Dough and poppy seeds and sugar. One can never go wrong. Has anything wonderful and surprising happened to you this week? The Bartender discovered their favorite painting was coming to NYC in March and is experiencing all the feels. How about you? Open-thread!
Good things about Prague:
-A million cafes to sit and drink hot chocolate at
-Lots of public transportation
-Also nice walks
-Beautiful buildings
-I have a job
-I have a place to live
-I am already able to have more enjoyable social interactions than in Russia with prospects for future social interactions looking promising
-My non-boyfriend will be visiting from Scotland at some point, and that point may possibly be soon
Bad things about Prague:
-I get paid monthly which means I don’t get paid for 5 more weeks
-I would just really like some money now, please and thank you
Yes to Prague cafes. When I was there I hung out in a cat cafe and it was amazing.
And the Billfold shared my grocery receipt today, if anyone is curious about how much cheese I eat.
ha! I was going to ask if you were the same Russia>Prague mover from the Billfold receipts series. 🙂
and yay for cafes and hot chocolate!
I am! I guess I’m famous now.
Czech hot chocolate is the best thing in the whole world! I had it all the time when I studied abroad there and I miss it so much!
I have never been to Prague (it’s on my List) but oh, I hear you on getting paid monthly. I once had a job where we were paid monthly and our rent was due fortnightly, which meant that some months, we’d have three rents due in one month. That’s fairly hard to budget for, when there’s only one of you working in the household, too. Hope you have enough for the hot chocolates for the rest of the month, though!
Prague is so beautiful! But yes, money is also good.
I can’t believe it’s been a year since Harris Wittels died. If you want to cry at your desk, read this piece his sister posted today: https://medium.com/@stephaniewittelswachs/yahrzei…
The day he died I listened to the podcast (i think it was you made it weird?) where he talks really openly about his addiction and the lying and finally gettting clean and his niece and I just sobbed and sobbed. What a great loss. Thank you for posting that link, I will read it when I get home.
Splitsider has a good read about that You Made It Weird episode today, too: http://splitsider.com/2016/02/on-the-anniversary-…
man, his is a death that I did not expect to stick with me like it did. They did a tribute to Harris at the end of Comedy Bang Bang, and it’s great.
“It’s all very ordinary, and then it’s all very over” – That hits hard regardless.
Same – I don’t get emotional about celebrity (?) deaths, but I was torn apart by Harris’s. He was in my earbuds so often, and was so open about his struggles, that he felt like a friend. Feeling very melancholy about it today.
Right?! He just seemed like such a dude you could be friends with. And he even though he wasn’t like a capital-C celebrity, he was in the comedy/podcast world.
I have nothing of substance to add, but if you get too depressed and sad reflecting on Harris’ passing just listen to this bit from the final episode of Analyze Phish.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WTvmZ6kIT2w
It’s perfect. I’ve never not laughed at it. That’s BECAUSE OF THIS JAM!
RIP Harper Lee.
Thrilling breakup update for those following the saga of my dumb relationship!
Thank you Cocktail Hour! It has been A Week. I’ve been having migraines for a couple of hours most days and my osteopath is FREAKING OUT about how tense my muscles are, but I ate more than one cinnamon bun today so things are looking up.
Cooking thread please. I made pasta risottata twice this week (at the start and the end, so that’s okay right?), poached pears in mulled white wine in my slow cooker, and also made a really good pumpkin and red lentil curry.
Right now I’m in the library, someone is staring at me (who are you, guy, you’re in my eye line and I am not looking at you at you, what are you doing) and someone else is watching flashy videos on their laptop. I’m trying to write a history paper and I am finding it SUPER different to my usual art history style? If possible my voice has gotten even snarkier…
Tried to embed a picture of the pears and failed so here’s a link! https://www.instagram.com/p/BBurtf-If4Z/
Also curry recipe: http://www.kitchentreaty.com/slow-cooker-pumpkin-…
And the base recipe for pasta risottata that I use, chuck anything in (I used spinach, kale, roast pumpkin and the end of a jar of pesto) http://eatlikeagirl.com/one-pot-pasta/
I want desperately to ask about your migraines because this has also been a week of them for me and I have no idea what to do next and I have three new prescriptions one of which terrifies me (Topamax – HOLY do NOT read the reviews of it. Or do read the reviews of it, and then … I do not know WTF to do next).
But yeah. Why do they all hit in a week?
The cooking looks amazing. Pears are a wonderful thing.
I’m sorry about your migraines!
I finally got to an emergency appointment last night after getting double vision at work, and she doesn’t think they’re full blown migraines, at least not yet. They run in my family, so this is apparently a good chance to keep an eye on me and see if I develop them too. So she’s put me on a painkiller routine (nothing scary, just paracetamol and ibuprofen throughout the day) and I am going to my optician to check it’s not my eyes. Hopefully the painkillers will help for the short term so we can figure out what’s causing them and deal with that…
As a super non-medical person… I don’t know. I tend to follow doctors to the point where I’ll walk out of an appointment and realised that they’ve prescribed me something I don’t want for something I don’t have. But at the same time… I trust them? Can you talk to your doctor about it? I now start every appointment with “hello I am super anxious, especially about my health, so you have to explain every decision to me in detail please”
I hope you are okay.
I don’t know if this is helpful, depending on where you are, but the best doctors I’ve found were at a practice that also had woo-woo alternative medicine practitioners. I don’t believe in any of that stuff, but what it did seem to indicate was a willingness to take time and listen to patients and consider their whole experience rather than focusing on one symptom or illness. I don’t know how common these kinds of practices are, but it could be worth checking out. Also, migraines suck. If you can handle it, some caffeine may help as its a vasoconstrictor and migraines happen because of misbehaving blood vessels.
I made this toasted chickpea and lentil salad (I used split yellow peas) and it BLEW MY MIND. I substituted an equal mixture of soy sauce and mashed red fermented tofu for the fish sauce and it worked great. The soaked legumes were crunchy, the citrusy ginger was sparkly and fresh, and the salty soy sauce balanced everything out.
The pears sound So Good! I made a crustless quiche in the slow cooker yesterday which is not photogenic but still delicious, and have been chowing down on an immune-boosting/liver-friendly borscht otherwise. This week I hope to make peanut-sesame noodles at some point.
I made these: http://food52.com/recipes/3112-cheese-crispettes for at-home happy hour and they were delightful! I’m making them again for game night tonight because they’re addictive.
I also made one pan greek-ish chicken thighs with toasted orzo and it was v good.
Boyfriend will be getting his copy of Beachbum Berry’s Potions of the Caribbean tomorrow so it will be a tiki weekend.
This is a fail-safe recipe for Creamy White Chili, with chicken.
http://www.tasteofhome.com/recipes/creamy-white-c…
I use boneless, skinless chicken thighs instead of chicken breasts, as the thighs are less dry. You can also use 1/2 of a habanero or 2 jalapenos instead of the canned chilis, I don’t use cayenne pepper and I use real minced garlic instead of powdered. I double this recipe and my daughter and her friends eat it up in one sitting. It’s incredible.
I did not know white chili was a thing and now I am enlightened and grateful.
I didn’t make anything exciting this week, but last week I made a spinach-sausage-and-feta quiche that made all my coworkers hate me every lunchtime.
Recipe please! Pleasepleasepleaseplease! All my favorite things!
I made roasted tomato soup with nice hot house tomaters, and while it was pretty good, it wasn’t worth the whole rigmarole, I think. The cheddar jalapeno biscuits were, though, 100%.
Where did you get your recipe? I made roast tomato soup recently and it was really easy… I could post it here?
I think mind was Epicurious, hybrided with something else, and it was easy! Just not easy enough.
I really enjoy hitting that sweet spot on the graph between difficulty/cost and impressiveness/deliciousness/rarity in results. And I feel like I spent too much time and too much money on tomatoes and the soup WAS delicious, but not way more delicious than buying fancy pre-made soup, and probably more expensive. So overall, not thrilled.
I would be interested in that recipe! I haven’t liked tomato soups I’ve had in the past but I recently made the smoked tomato soup recipe on Budget Bytes and enjoyed it so I’m thinking I should try some more.
https://www.donnahay.com.au/recipes/onepot/soups/…
This is really basic! Also you don’t need a blender, you can cook your tomatoes soft and mash them up, or I used a stick blender but didn’t make it totally smooth.
As much or as little garlic as you want, more or less stock depending on your texture preference and how watery your tomatoes are, I threw some dried oregano and dried chili in at the roasting stage, and a bit of tomato paste with the stock for extra flavour. Next time I’ll use some fresh basil…
I just picked up three tubs of tomatoes for £4 so I’ll probably make this sunday or monday! It keeps well in the fridge for up to 3 days, and also freezes really nicely so you can have it with a grilled cheese wheneverrrrrrrr
I made a FANTASTIC short rib ragu after it was recommended to me last week from a fellow Toastie. So rich and cozy and on a bed of mashed potatoes yes yes.
I’m going to have to make it again, for sure.
I made truffles for the first time! Inspired by autostraddle’s disco truffles but my store did not carry disco glitter so I just used cocoa, and they’re delicious! And way easier than I thought they would be be – like it takes time, but really only about 5-10 minutes of work three times, with 30-60 minutes waiting in between.
I made mashed cauliflower to go with my pork loin and peas last night, and was really impressed by how easy and yummy it was. I used to hate cauliflower, but now I am finding new recipes that I like!
Oh, and for Valentine’s day I made Arpege eggs (aka Hot-Cold Soft Boiled Eggs) for our appetizer, and they were fabulous! Subtle and sophisticated, very dramatic looking but not too complicated.
I’ve been fantasizing about good ol’ fashioned mashed potatoes since lunchtime yesterday, so I’m definitely making a big batch this weekend. They are my comfort food.
Today I made mashed potatoes the way my parents did them when I was a kid, i.e., with about a half a packet of butter, and it’s the first time since I arrived here that there haven’t been any leftovers. My host mum, normally a delicate eater and not the biggest fan of my food, had four helpings!
Pumpkin and lentil curry sounds great, might have to give that a go this weekend…
I haven’t been able to cook as much over the past few weeks due to being away from home for research, but I visited my cousin and his partner earlier this week and basically took over their kitchen for the day. I made these orange pancakes with orange berry sauce (http://iowagirleats.com/2013/01/03/orange-pancakes-with-berry-orange-sauce/), which are a favorite. I also tried and really enjoyed this super easy bacon, pea, and pesto carbonara (http://www.iwashyoudry.com/2014/05/02/pesto-spaghetti-carbonara/) and these three-ingredient Nutella brownies (http://www.thecomfortofcooking.com/2014/09/incredible-3-ingredient-nutella-brownies.html)
Also made all of these by eyeballing the amounts because measuring cups are not a thing in Germany, so I’m pretty proud of that.
wait whaaaaaa? do you weigh everything instead? if not how does one bake?
edited to add: clearly my life priorities begin with cake :/
I bought cookbooks this week and I am very excited to try them out! So far, I’m most excited by Smoke and Pickles which is a kind of low key Korean/Southern mashup full of delightful things. I’ve already made the Winter Red Cabbage Kimchi which is amazing and I have been putting it on everything and it was fantastic on the lemon pepper tuna burgers I made last night. Tonight I’m planning on making black pepper and parsnip biscuits to go with a chili I have going in the slow cooker.
The other one is Saving the Seasons and is about canning, so there’s not much to do given that it’s winter. I might try and make the vin de pamplemousse, which is citrus in a mixture of white wine and vodka that looks pretty interesting.
Mr ZNF and I have had reading week so we’ve done SO MUCH COOKING. Highlights:
– cheesecakes baked in our silicone muffin tin – no need to cut them up or fuss with an entire huge cheesecake! Highly recommended.
– Toom, Lebanese garlic sauce – pretty much straight-up garlic. We put it on potatoes.
– Naan bread to go with the butter chicken my brother made (tried to link the recipe but my phone browser is being stupid, sorry)
– Garlic corn – frozen kernel corn sauteed till nearly slightly burnt with butter and crushed garlic.
http://allrecipes.com/recipe/14565/naan/ Ah, now the link works! Here’s the naan bread recipe I was talking about.
I made 100% home-made palak paneer (including making the paneer myself) and it was DIVINE! Also 100% impossible to fuck up.
I made lemon chicken chickpea soup and lemon blueberry cornbread and they were both extremely delicious, highly recommended.
Toasties, what are your comfort books? I don’t mean your childhood favorites or the ones you enjoy on an intellectual level, but the ones that are a goddamn delight in all ways. The ones you would gladly re read for the rest of your life. Mine is Monstrous Regiment (Mal is nonbinary, Froc is an old-fashioned butch dyke, and Wazzer’s ace).
Yes, comfort books! Mine are two books by Michael Korda, Horse People and Country Matters. I just love to be transported to the country-gentleman life of a rich white man for a little while. There are horses everywhere and he just keeps buying sports cars!!!
Going to look that up. Have you read Cereus Blooms at Night, by Shani Mootoo? A lot of people outside of Canada aren’t as familiar with it but it’s a queer classic.
Both of Mindy Kaling’s books! I find myself reading them over and over again and I am delighted every time.
Monstrous Regiment is a comfort book of mine as well! And, of course, Sunshine by Robin McKinley. Cinnamon roles, fighting evil, and a world that feels entirely real.
Sunshine! Oh, the baked goods!
YES on Sunshine!
OMG, Sunshine permanently lives on my little bedside table (my heart-shaped, made-by-my-grandfather-who-died-when-I-was-16 bedside table) and I read little bits of it almost every day.
I could probably re-read The Name of the Wind and Wise Man’s Fear until the end of time. Or until the third book comes out. Whichever comes first (it’s really a draw at this point).
Also Good Omens, American Gods, Hogfather, and the entire Vorkosigan Saga (which I haven’t even actually finished yet, but I’m taking it on faith that I’ll continue to love it)
I’d choose The Slow Regard of Silent Things as mine, probably. I’m one of those who’s actually glad he paused in Kvothe’s story long enough to give us Auri’s, though.
I love that book, too! I made my husband read it and after he told me that he understood me better, which was really nice. Books are so great.
I’d absolutely choose that one, too. I think by now I could recite the chapter where she makes soap (soap!) by heart. I love Auri so much…
Yes to the Vorkosigan Series, and also her Five Gods series when I want something a little less hyperactive.
Paladin of Souls, all day, every day, forever.
Bitter Ista!
——– Original message ——–
Memory and A Civil Campaign, depending on my mood!
Me too! Also, me too for the Paladin of Souls and Curse of Chalion!
Yes, Memory. And selected portions of Mirror Dance. 🙂
A Company of Swans by Eva Ibbotson (I’ve practically got it memorized, but it still makes me cry)
The Blue Sword by Robin McKinley
I have a hold of A Company of Swans ready for me at the library.. this is making me even more excited to read it.
I love The Blue Sword!
Oooo I love everything by Eva Ibbotson. The way she builds little backstories for even the most minor characters makes everything feel so warm and real
I love A Company of Swans, but it makes me so stressed when I’m reading the section where there are all these misunderstandings because people just won’t talk to each other. I think my favourite of her books is A Song for Summer, but they’re all so good.
but he snaps out of it! the rooster walks by and the feather makes him think again and then he gets all the stories out of everyone, and BOOM – happiness. It reinforces for me that talking is the MOST important.
both of those.
The Eyre Affair by Jasper Fforde. A goddamn delight.
Yessss!
I’m in the midst of moving right now and I just packed my Fforde collection. I found out as I packed that I have inadvertently bought at least two versions of every book in the Thursday Next series. I have no regrets.
I have the same, except for I somehow ended up with 4 copies of The Eyre Affair (after giving away 3). I call them lending copies so I am never without a copy myself and I can also just hand over the book whenever I recommend it to people. My hobby is library used book sales.
Fforde’s Shades of Grey might actually be my favorite book. I always have to preface it by making sure people know I’m not talking about the Twilight fanfiction.
Yes! I always read Pratchett to feel better. Reaper Man is my all-time favorite.
The Pursuit of Love and Love in a Cold Climate are both delightful. No matter how many times I read them they still make me laugh out loud.
But the end of The Pursuit of Love is so heartbreaking!
Yes!! In fact, I just reread The Pursuit of Love last week. That and Persuasion always get me through the best and worst of times.
Madeline is Sleeping and Invisible Cities are two that spring to mind. They’re both surreal and you don’t know what’s real and what’s made up, but the prose is so pretty and the world is so cool that I like to sip tea as I re-read these two at least once a year.
Invisible Cities is like a dream that you read.
That is such a beautiful way to describe it.
The Perilous Gard for sure. I’ve been comfort reading that since I was nine. (With a substantial gap of a decade and a half after I moved away and forgot what it was called and only stumbled on it again by accident…)
The Seven Pillars of Wisdom because some things just make no sense and apparently I am comforted by reflecting on the fact that I am not fighting in WWI?
Advice books from the thirties and forties. Dorothy Drapers, Live Alone and Like It, Orchids on Your Budget, etc. The language is soothing in an odd way?
Ooh, I didn’t discover The Perilous Gard until I was an adult on a Tam Lin kick, but it is lovely.
I also discovered it late and I adore Tam Lin retellings. What are your favorites? I’m rather fond of Pamela Dean’s retelling (part of this is due to how much I liked it at the time in my life that I read it)
For sheer pleasure, probably the Dean one (which also led me to reading The Lady’s Not for Burning, which I also love!) Have you read Juniper, Rosemary, and Gentian by Pamela Dean by any chance?
Fire and Hemlock by Diana Wynne Jones has lovely bits, but I have to be in certain mood for it–it has some time-shify, alternate universe stuff.
There’s an Alice Munro story, too, but I’m drawing a total blank on the title at the moment.
There’s also a Tam Lin motif I really like in The Dogs of Babel by Caroline Parkhurst, but I have mixed feelings about the book as a whole. (also, has some parts depicting dogs being abused, so head’s up.)
Do you have any others? I’m always on the look out for a new one here or there.
Well, I did just find this listing when I was looking for the Pamela Dean one. I’m thinking I’ll have to do some worldcat searching to see how many of these I can check out from the library this weekend…
Fire & Hemlock is my favourite book ever in the whole world – I could probably reread it every week!
I have read ALL the Pamela Dean and boy do I have opinions and feels about all of it, and I would be delighted to have lengthy discussions about what the heck is going on with Gentian and Dominic Hardy. 🙂
Also… Christopher Fry! “Show me daffodils happening to a man!”
Yessss to talking about Gentian and Dominic!
So many great lines from The Lady’s Not for Burning. That scene with Humphrey when she spits out “I am interested in my feelings” gives me chills.
I invite you to email me at brynplusplus at gmail and engage in Pamela Dean discussions! She is so generally unread and unknown!
Have you ever read Diane Wynne Jones’ “Fire and Hemlock”? Definitely one of the classic Tam Lin retellings.
Hearty seconding to Fire and Hemlock, it’s one I often revisit. If anyone likes the Child ballads, here’s a really nice rendition of the Tam Lin one.
Love that song! I can listen to it for HOURS.
We are also crazy about Tam Lin retellings! I think Pamela Dean’s novel is not really a very successful novel but it doesn’t matter, it has people declaiming ancient greek in tunnels and a Christopher Fry play and analysis of productions of Hamlet!
I like The Perilous Gard a lot, I ought to reread it. Also good: Catherine Storr’s _Thursday_, Diana Wynne Jones’ _Fire and Hemlock_.
That book and its heroine was a major influence on my childhood. I decided I would be Kate Sutton and spent years trying to mold myself into her. Mostly by never crying about anything ever and perfecting my baby resting bitch face.
The Perilous Gard is so good! The audiobook is great too. It makes me wish I could save the day by sassing people…
I will freely admit that I accidentally stole my library’s only copy when I went to college. I couldn’t find it anywhere else!
Oooh, I love this idea!! Thank you, @grumblyqueer, for starting this thread, I can’t wait to see what other people recommend.
“The Magician’s Assistant” by Ann Patchett. I can’t explain why, but this is a book I keep coming back to, probably for deeply personal reasons.
“A Civil Campaign” by Lois McMaster Bujold – you have to read quite a ways into the Vorkosigan saga to get here (which is not a problem), but it is just delightful.
“The Goblin Emporor” by Katherine Addison – I only read this book recently but I think it may be on the list. The protagonist is just so nice, and kind, and earnest, and it’s refreshing.
“The Wild Iris” by Louise Gluck. If we’re allowed to include poetry, I think I need to include this one.
I keep going back and forth between whether “A Civil Campaign” or “Memory” is my favorite of her books, but the former definitely made me laugh the most. Miles’ dinner party may be one of my favorite scenes ever written.
Yes!! The butter bugs! So amazing.
“Memory” is a definitely more… emotional? There’s such a wide range, from despair to triumph. The “you just go on” scene is so amazing, it’s become a bit of a mantra for me.
The scene in Illyan’s office (you know the one) still makes me cry so hard I can’t see the page. It’s my favorite Vorkosigan book.
Yes! Truly a great scene.
I love those two= read ACC first, then when I finally read Memory, wanted to punch Miles in the face for the dinner party. Arrgh!
Those are my two favorites, too! Although I think I was in the minority in loving Captain Vorpatril’s Alliance as much as I did; it might be my third favorite. A Civil Campaign is a perfect comfort book that will always make me laugh.
That Idiot Ivan is my favorite directly behind Miles himself, so i LOVE CVA!
So, I haven’t reread it yet, but I really enjoyed Captain Vorpatril’s Alliance! You are not alone!
aaaah yes, they are my two favorites in the series as well, I don’t think I could pick one definitively over the other because they suit such different moods.
I still read the dinner party through my fingers! I have so much second hand embarrassment!
I can’t even reread that chapter – like you said, too much second hand embarrassment!
Those are definitely my favorites, closely followed by Mirror Dance. I love the introspection in Memory and the quiet moments, but also the multiple perspectives and politics and laughs in A Civil Campaign. They are both fantastic!
I teach The Wild Iris to intro lit seminar students in a persona class. ALWAYS AMAZING. I think I’ve given it to about a dozen people over the years, too.
I read The Goblin Emperor after a friend told me it was ideal bibliotherapy for when one is struggling with impostor syndrome, and wow, was she ever right. (Now I want to go back and reread it.)
I think I’ve said this before in the Open Thread but I read Happy All the Time by Laurie Colwin when I can’t sleep.
Mine is also a childhood favorite: Linnets and Valerians by Elizabeth Gouge. It’s so calming and makes me happy every time I read it.
Oh, I remember reading that as a child! With the amazing Dartmoor landscape and the gruff but kind grandfather and the entire family running away at the beginning! Gotta reread that again.
I love that book!
Screening Party by Dennis Hensley. Re-reading a chapter here and there is basically a perfect snack-sized bite of the most delicious, least nutritious comfort food.
A Wrinkle in Time. Aunt Beast hugs are the best comfort hugs.
Jennifer Crusie’s Faking It. I re-read it every few months because it makes me so happy.
Have you read Bet Me? Also wonderful.
oh yes, thank you! I have read all of them and stalk her blog… she is an exceptional human being as well as a writer of people I love.
She needs to write more things! I also loved Agnes and the Hitman with Bob Mayer. Manhunting may actually be my favorite, but the title is so so bad. The book itself is so funny though!
Mine are The Princess Bride, the Thursday Next books by Jasper Fforde, In a Sunburned Country, and the Bridgerton series by Julia Quinn. All very different, but all such a joy to read.
Oh, and Eva Ibbotson’s YA romances- especially The Secret Countess and Magic Flutes. Soooo atmospheric and beautifully written
Probably the Princess Diaries which might count as a childhood favorite but it also helped me survive high school
To Say Nothing of the Dog, I Capture the Castle, the Montmaray/Fitzosbourne trilogy, The Bean Trees, Tam Lin and The Secret Country trilogy, also by Pamela Dean. Even the sad parts are the right kind of sad.
Oooooh, To Say Nothing of the Dog, how did I forget that one! So delightful! Penwipers! “And I kissed her for a hundred and sixty-nine years.”
Now that Willis has gotten Blackout/All Clear off her chest, I really wish she’d catch us up on Verity and Ned (and Penwiper)’s further, light-hearted adventures.
I reread To Say Nothing of the Dog when I’m in the mood for a funny comfort read and Blackout/All Clear when I want a good cry. Soooooooo good!
I just started a re-read of Blackout/All Clear the other day, and I am already bracing myself. The first time I read it I stayed up until three in the morning to finish it and sobbed for an hour.
Ah hah, you have read the Secret Country — have you read Owlswater?
oh you sent me running to figure out what I missed! I have not read that one, although I did read a lovely short story by her in an anthology I had years ago, with office workers and magic clothes.
Bridget. Jones’s. Diary. Now has the added benefit of seeming delightfully 90s.
SO 90s. I love it.
Anything by anthony bourdain or ruth reichl. Caroline stevermer and tamora pierce for fantasy.
nice to see someone else mention Caroline Stevermer! Love her work, especially the College of Magics
For me, it’s any of the Aubrey/Maturin books, because there is always something unexpected in them that makes me laugh, and anything by Patricia McKillip, because her worldbuilding feels so elegant and detailed. Though I also read Scott Lynch’s The Lies of Locke Lamora last year and I really think that might get added to my comfort list, too.
Return of the Native – reminds me of where I grew up in the West Country but it’s also so otherworldly and old timey and the characters are so nuts that I can forget real life.
Sarah Monette’s Doctrine of Labyrinths series. It’s not light reading, but for some reason I always re-read it when I’m feeling horrible and it makes me feel better.
Lloyd Alexander. The Chronicles of Narnia were the first new books I bought with my own money, but the Chronicles of Prydain were the first used books I bought, and they’ve held up much better. (Both the physical books and the stories, actually.)
Oh god, me too on Doctrine of Labyrinths. I’ve never met anyone else who has read it, but omg so good, especially Corambis for uplifting character development and heart-warming moments. Even though they are so dark. I love how Sarah Monette/Katherine Addison can get both into her books!
ETA: Also agree on Lloyd Alexander! Especially the Prydain Chronicles. I reread them for a children’s lit class and wrote a paper on Alexander’s anti-war stance as evident in Taran Wanderer, which was actually my least favorite as a child (definitely not enough Eilonwy!).
Ooooh, Taran Wandered was my favourite, all the different crafts! I still love Prydain but even more I love The Kestrel and The Beggar Queen.
Anything Sir Terry has ever written, tbh, but most of all Night Watch and the Tiffany Aching books. Monstrous Regiment is one of my favourites as well!
Christopher Isherwood’s A Single Man might be an odd choice, because it’s so sad, but it’s also just lovely and I have first read it on vacation in England, sitting in York on a bench by the river. Those are precious memories.
The Importance of being Earnest. Oscar Wilde stole my heart.
And then, probably most of all, Erich Kästner. A German writer with – here a caveat – a sadly difficult relationship to women. For how ever much I love the guy’s books, he … underperforms in regard to female characters. I’m willing to cut him some slack though because It Was DIfferent Back Then and he obviously loved his Mam a lot. Anyway. He wrote mostly books for children (The Flying Classroom is my favourite, it’s about friendship and loneliness and courage), but one of his more obscure adult novels is one of my favourite books of all times, Drei Männer im Schnee (“Three Men in the Snow”), which I’ve read about a hundred times and it’s very close to my heart. It is also about friendship.
I absolutely HEART the flying classroom and have done forever. I didn’t think anyone else had ever read his stuff.
In Germany, I think he’s one of the widest known author, albeit always connected to children’s literature. He definitely deserves an international audience, too.
My copy of TFC is stolen from my primary school library, so he must be read over here too, but I’ve never come across anyone else English who had the foggiest idea who he was.
Let’s take that as a good sign… at least one person found him important enough to steal the book.
With hindsight, I have probably stopped future generations of kids loving him like I do by nicking the book… (still don’t feel guilty though.)
Oh, wait, I misread – you stole the book? Book thief! Book thief! Get the tar and feathers!
I’ve still got it 30 years later though, it wanted to come and live with me. Also it appears the school library stole it, since as well as the stamp it also says ‘to Richard, love from Andreis’ on the inside front cover.
I love that cover. Maybe it was honorably donated to the school library though? Also, all this got me thinking about where MY copy is, and I just can’t find it. I hope I didn’t lose it.
He’s still a bit of a classic for children’s literature around here, and people usally know at least one of his poems. The stories are quite dated, and efforts to rejuvenate them in forms of silly German films have failed quite spectacularly, but I don’t think they are going to fade into real obscurity any time soon. He’s a representative of the moral voice of a particular kind of German lower middle class, and I love his simple, down-to-earth, sometimes gently ironic and occasionally bitingly sarcastic style of writing.
I could go on for ages about Kästner! And I still always cry when I read the Flying Classroom. When Matz visits Ulli in the infirmary! The story about the two old friends and their reunion! The end! Ugh, I have all the ugly emotions!
“efforts to rejuvenate them in forms of silly German films” – hee, we watched the 2001 Emil und die Detektive film when we were reading it in my German 202 class, and I actually quite enjoyed its silliness.
Andddd now I wish my German hadn’t fallen entirely by the wayside. Guess I’ll have to try and find translated versions of all these.
I was being a bit facetious, I guess :c) – also the most recent Flying Classroom adaption is not as terrible as it could have been, I guess.
And yes, I need to go find those books when I go back to my parents’ place, I’ve got only Drei Männer im Schnee here, and I’ve recently re-read that one (it’s soooo good).
Discworld Witches books, Discworld’s Night Watch (it’s dark but it’s somehow so comforting that Sam Vimes is always eternally Sam Vimes), The Goblin Emperor, Pamela Dean’s Tam Lin.
I have read and re-read the Amsterdam Cops series of books by Janwillem van de Wetering many times.
Stone Butch Blues. It always feels like home.
I would like to join the Eva Ibbotson chorus, especially Secret of Platform 13 and Island of the Aunts, which I just adore for some reason. My sister and I think that if Studio Ghibli ever starts making movies again and they’re looking for a book to adapt, they should start with Eva Ibbotson. C. S. Lewis has his problems, but Till We Have Faces and a couple others I don’t think I will ever get tired of, despite the flaws. And, of course, what kind of Toft would I be if I didn’t put the Moomintroll books on this list? Those are comfort books, but they aren’t really escapism – especially in the later books, they grapple with the darkness and weird melancholy parts of life and make it seem okay.
Secret of Platform 13 is a perfect book in my opinion
Such love for Eva Ibbotson especially Journey to the River Sea especially especially The Secret of Platform 13. I own six of her books and they are all a great comfort to read, even though some are clearly superior.
And of COURSE the Moomins! Comet in Moominland and Finn Family Moomintroll are the ones I return to for fun, Moominland Midwinter and Moominvalley in November are for times of melancholy and deep contemplation
Nthing the Discworld comments.
My faves are paper books of beloved webcomics: Nimona, Hark! A Vagrant, Octopus Pie, Johnny Wander, Girls with Slingshots, Nedroid…Discworld is my post-heavy book or stressful times go-to but comics are my sick day thing.
I can also read and re-read funny chick-lit, like Sophie Kinsella and certain Jennifer Weiner novels.
Nimona – check – Hark! – check – Johnny Wander – check.
I hope you’re also familiar with Dresden Codak and (even more important) Evan Dahm? Rice Boy might be the best and saddest webcomic to have ever graced the webs.
yes! For whatever reason Dresden Codak never really clicked with me but so many friends love it.
Ah, well, I guess it’s all down to taste. I just enjoy his careful drafting and the architectural feel every single page has. It’s so art deco sometimes.
Oh: Wormworld Saga is also highly recommended.
Hark! A Vagrant is so great! Mr ZNF and I quote from it all the time. Nedroid too – both of those are part of our weird couple-language now.
Pride and Prejudice forever, which I also enjoy on an intellectual level, but I just need to reread once or twice a year.
The Haunting of Hill House. (. . . I worry about what this says about me.)
Or literally any Nero Wolfe novel.
Oh, it’s been way too long since I’ve read any Nero Wolfe, thanks for reminding me!
Any Discworld works, so does Ella Enchanted and The Year of the Secret Assignments by Jaclyn Moriarty. Other favorites to reread are the Chrestomanci books by Diana Wynne Jones and Stardust by Neil Gaiman.
Yes to the Chrestomanci books, for sure.
did people who love the Chrestomanci books first read them as children? Because I first read them just a couple of years ago, based on my love for Howl’s Moving Castle (definitely a comfort read for me) and I actually found several of them quite disturbing, in the amount of bullying and mistreatment that happened to various children. I thought they were *good,* I just found a lot of them much more distressing than comforting. I think I react to these kinds of things, especially adults being cruel or callous to children, much differently than I did when I was a child myself, though
We read them in our early 20s when we were still close enough to our own childhood that it just seemed like a fairly accurate depiction of life, and what was comforting/interesting was how the characters manage to move through it mostly intact. But rereading it now that we have kids… wow, terrible adults in those books!
I read my first copy of Ella Enchanted so many times that both the front and back covers fell off… I have a new one, I need to read it again…
Yes to Ella Enchanted and Jaclyn Moriarty! I think Feeling Sorry for Celia is my favourite, but I love them all.
Harriet Vane/Peter Whimsey.
Mary Russell series/Laurie King
All Robin McKinley everything
Ursula K LeGuin all the Hanish books.
Animal Dreams (Kingsolver)
Yes, the Wimsey books are old favorites of mine. Good choice.
My old ratty high school copy of the awakening. There’s a speculative new Orleans fanfic I fell for around the same time that would be just as ratty if it existed on paper.
So many comfort books! Many Discworld books (Small Gods, Thief of Time, Guards! Guards!), Good Omens, Watership Down, the Bartimaeus Trilogy (by Jonathan Stroud), Digger (by Ursula Vernon), and as others have said, The Name of the Wind, and Lies of Locke Lamora. …I have a lot of comfort books.
Nina Kiriki Hoffman’s A Fistfull of Sky. I just find it lovely and gentle and comforting.
Also Shelly Laurenston’s Bite Me, because nothing seems quite so bad when you’re being entertained by the sheer quantity of batshit shenanigans in that book.
A Fistful of Sky is very satisfying. <3
Northanger Abbey and Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland are my two go-tos when I just can’t think of anything else to read
The Wind in the Willows is a favorite from childhood, as well as Eight Cousins, by Luisa May Alcott
On the slightly less classic side: Anything by Eva Ibbotson, Lloyd Alexander, or Juliette Marillier, and Tamora Pierce’s Trickster series
North and South and all the Jane Austen. Oh, and Lord of the Rings. I reread those when life is crap.
I adore that book but have only read it once. I don’t know what’s wrong with me! I can’t reread anymore! Too much access to library books, I assume.
Love this question! Mine are:
The Secret History
Rebecca
Dangerous Angels by Francesca Lia Block
Magic for Beginners by Kelly Link
City of Bones by Cassandra Clare
This Lullaby by Sarah Dessen
Patti Smith’s Just Kids makes me feel OK to be dreamy and cultivate personal flourishes and wear a jaunty hat and have intense relationships with dead writers and make things like collages and poems without judging them. I also love Art & Fear: Observations on the Perils (and Rewards) of Artmaking by David Bayles and Ted Orland, which will also make you feel good about making things.
I just read Patti Smith’s M Train and liked it even better than Just Kids — think you might really enjoy it (if you haven’t already)!
Lighthousekeeping by Jeanette Winterson. There was also a span of about 4 years when I read The Red Tent every fall.
Oh! I forgot the Tales of the City series by Armistead Maupin. Anna Madrigal makes everything better.
Also L.M. Montgomery’s Anne books, even though I have only occasionally reread those, they warm my soul.
Honestly, This Alien Shore by C.S. Friedman. My partner and I have talked seriously about how we would emigrate to Guera in an instant, since the rules of social interaction with each person are literally painted on their faces! We wouldn’t be socially inept freaks there – we’d just be different, in a society that embraces it.
I also regularly read Cuckoo’s Egg, by C.J. Cherryh, because it helps to read Duun-hatani’s instructions to Thorne about surviving as the only alien in a hostile world. Sometimes neurotypical majoritarian people spike social interactions with black pebbles, and it’s okay to be on guard for it.
Also, anything Octavia Butler. She taught me how to be a person.
I like everything about this comment. <3
Thank you! Most people haven’t heard of Cuckoo’s Egg but it’s such a part of my entire nuclear family’s canon that a) we all own a copy, since we all wanted to reread it at the same time for a while, and b) they would know I wrote the comment if they were to see it. Then agree that yes Guera does sound lovely and relaxing.
Love Octavia Butler. The world echos in her absence.
I loved This Alien Shore when I read it, but that was a while ago now and I can’t remember much about it. Time to add it to the reread stack.
Mine are the Lord of the Rings, ANYTHING by Jeanette Winterson (I just like to mumble them to myself and let the worlds rattle in my head, her language is so beautiful), and as a more recent addition Jenny Trout’s blog or books.
I’ve read them all so many times there are chunks memorized, but I think that’s a large part of the appeal.
Reading through this thread has made me realize that books like A Civil Campaign and the Eyre Affair really are my comfort books (for some reason I had only applied the label to books I first read as a teen, I don’t know why).
Also The Thief by Megan Whalen Turner. And I don’t know if it really qualifies as comfort, but I still read Saving Francesca by Melina Marchetta. I usually cry but the ending is so full of hope. My Dad has bipolar disorder, and this was the only book I read as a teen that really encapsulated how it is when your parent doesn’t get out of bed for months. There is the one line where Francesca is talking about being scared of this disease sleeping inside her, and it feels like the book was written for me.
I felt the same way about Saving Francesca. My mom suffers from chronic migraines and depression; reading it helped me untangle my own knot of love and resentment and hope. I haven’t reread it, though — maybe sometime soon.
apparently we are comfort-book twins, because The Thief by Megan Whalen Turner has been one of my all-time favorite comfort books since I first read it in middle school, with both A Civil Campaign and The Eyre Affair close behind.
Saving Francesca! I read that for the first time as a teenager, and for me it was one of those books that I just wanted to live inside; I was pretty lonely, and the friendships it depicted made me yearn for people like that in my life. I love it very much, although I haven’t read it for ages as it’s still in my parents’ house.
I love Dorothy Sayers’ Busman’s Honeymoon (‘a love story with detective interruptions’). Lord Peter and Harriet finally get to be happy and there are so many allusions that I discover something new every time I read it, and the characters are lovely and human.
David Copperfield. Gotta read it at least once a year.
Dodie Smith’s I Capture the Castle and anything by P.G. Wodehouse, because there is something sublimely comforting in the thought of Jeeves quietly sorting out life’s problems.
Yesssssssss
If you love I Capture the Castle, try the Montmaray novels by Michelle Cooper. They’re kind of like ICTC meets WWII, with a dash of Narnia.
Ditto on the Montmaray rec. Also, if you love Wodehouse, check out Good Night Mr. Wodehouse by Faith Sullivan — it just came out last year, I believe, and it’s basically all about the value of comfort reading, in particular Wodehouse. The main character goes through a lot and it’s heartbreaking at times, but in a gentle and ultimately life-affirming way rather than in a gratuitous one. It reads like the book equivalent of a cup of tea, is what I mean, which is frankly at odds with some of the actual plot points. Anyway, you may appreciate it if you like Wodehouse!
_Partly Cloudy Patriot_, _Take the Cannoli_, and _Assassination Vacation_ by Sarah Vowell
_Taps: A Novel_ by Willie Morris
_Davita’s Harp_ by Chaim Potok
_Eleanor and Park_ and _Fangirl_ by Rainbow Rowell
and Harry Potter. Reading any of those books is like taking a cathartic nap.
The ones that I re-read the most are I Capture the Castle by Dodie Smith, and Anthony Burgess’s Enderby novels.
I should clarify that my above descriptions of characters’ sexualities have never been confirmed by PTerry, but they are absolutely 100% true. I will fight you on them.
Lofty and Tonker’s lesbianism and Jackrum giving zero fucks about gender are canon though.
Gilead, by Marilynne Robinson. It’s like a peaceful sunbeam for my weary soul.
a lot of my favorites have been mentioned already, but I also really love to reread most of Ursula Le Guin’s short stories. Particularly the ones in A Fisherman of the Inland Sea, and The Birthday of the World. They just feel so beautiful and perfect and right.
Oh, also, The Dark Is Rising series by Susan Cooper, and The Last Unicorn by Peter S. Beagle. I’ve read them so many times over the years.
OMG. So many. So so many.
All of the Anne books, but especially Rilla. I love Rilla SO MUCH.
A Civil Campaign and Memory are my two fav Vorkosigans (with runner up of Captain Vorpatril’s Alliance), and it looks like a lot of others agree with me!
THE FIONAVAR TAPESTRY OMG.
And this is one that I expect no one else will have read, but Mindcall by Wilanne Schneider Belden (https://www.goodreads.com/series/56705-mind-call). It’s supposedly the first in a series, but I’ve never been able to find any others.
Ugh, Monstrous Regiment, so much! Also Night Watch, but mostly Monstrous Regiment!
Can I say how much it warms my heart to read through everyone’s responses and see so many titles I recognize? It’s not easy in real life to find people who like the same books you do!
(Some of) my comfort book choices are Doomsday Book by Connie Willis, Dark Lord of Derkholm/Year of the Griffin by Diana Wynne Jones, the Casson family books by Hilary McKay, and the Sorcery and Cecilia epistolary novel trilogy by Patricia C. Wrede & Caroline Stevermer
omg are you me
No but I bet we would be great friends!
“The Blue Castle” by LM Montgomery, and “Frenchman’s Creek” by Daphne du Maurier. I love these two novels with my whole heart; I read the first every winter, and the second every summer.
Some excellent choices in this thread, it’s so cool to see so many people having the same favourites as I do. For me, I’ve been rereading I Capture the Castle, Jane Eyre, and LotR for as long as I can remember for exactly these reasons. More recently, I’ve found myself rereading Anna and the French Kiss by Stephanie Perkins (it’s just so cute!) and Attachments by Rainbow Rowell more than anything else.
– Summer and Bird by Katherine Catmull: A lovely aching fairytale book about girls who want to be birds and queens.
– The Bacchae by Euripides (I have like 8 different translations too): Sometimes I just want to read about guys getting dismembered idk what to tell you.
– The Queen of Attolia by Megan Whalen Turner: !!! more like queen of my HEART
– The Scorpio Races by Maggie Stiefvater: This is the only book by her I really like, and I read it every November.
– The Goblin Emperor by Katherine Addison
– Anything Terry Pratchett ever touched
Jenny Crusie’s Faking It, pretty much any Pratchett, and Martha Wells’ Wizard Hunters which has multiple worlds, one of my favorite ever heros, a pair of brothers and their affection depicted SO well, and also lasts for three books. For a long time it was the Hero and the Crown, McKinley, but for the moment I just cannot.
The Dispossessed by Ursula K LeGuin, good lord, yes. Also her short story collection The Birthday of the World.
When I was younger The Mists of Avalon (to the point where I had chunks pretty much memorized) but then I found out that the author was a terrible person and I haven’t read it since
Don’t Lets Go to the Dogs Tonight by Alexandra Fuller, and I don’t know why–it’s a memoir about growing up white in Africa with really terrible (racist, alcoholic, irresponsible) parents. I think maybe it’s the way she portrays her family–brutally honest yet somehow affectionate. I don’t know.
Most of the rest are fanfiction if I’m honest.
NO WAIT I have more:
Juniper and Wise Child by Monica Furlong (I’m honestly surprised more people haven’t read them, they’re so damn good, especially if you liked Harry Potter and The Mists of Avalon)
Persepolis by Marjane Satrapi
ElfQuest up until it split into a million storylines
Summer of Love by Lisa Mason
Juniper and Wise Child are so good! Have you read Colman? I don’t find it as magical, but it is nice for some closure.
I haven’t! I didn’t even know it existed until I went online to double-check the author’s name, and the reviews were all kinda meh, so I decided to skip it.
mine are Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, Pride and Prejudice, Good Omens, The Sandman, and Hark! a Vagrant, off the top of my head.
Hey everyone! Nicole was kind enough to post my fundraising link for the Eastern Massachusetts Abortion Fund in the link roundup on Tuesday, but I wanted to throw it up here too in case anyone missed it. The EMA fund and other abortion funds all around the country (and the world!) do such amazing work, and I’m honored to be a part of it and to be able to touch the lives of people who need our help. It’d be awesome if you could toss five or ten bucks my way, or if you could look up your local fund and give them money instead!
Also, a huuuuuuge THANK YOU to the Toasties who’ve already donated! You’re the bee’s knees!!
I think that link may be broken? Somehow it links back to the open thread for me!
Agh! Annoying. Here it is all plain-text like:
http://bowlathon.nnaf.org/nicshel
What a great service. Another marvellous one is the Abortion Support Network, a UK-based charity that provides information, funds, accommodation and other resources to women forced to travel from Ireland for abortions. An Irish group called Parents For Choice have come up with a great initiative to counter an obnoxious scheme cooked up by anti-choicers to harass women outside women’s health clinics in Ireland and Northern Ireland during Lent (and afterwards as well, no doubt). Basically, every time Parents for Choice become aware of women being harassed, they pledge a donation to the Abortion Support Network. People can donate here: https://www.justgiving.com/40DaysForChoice
This is such excellent information, thank you!! I read an article about the Abortion Support Network; they are really doing great things, and their assistance is so comprehensive! I’ll definitely donate to them, and thank my lucky starts for the Parents for Choice group and their genius idea too!
Yay EMA fund! Yay bowlathon! I’ve bowled for NYAAF two years in a row; taking this year off because it is in the middle of CRAZY BUSY WORK TIME. Bowlathon is wonderful, abortion funds are wonderful, and YOU are wonderful!
Thank you thank you thank you!! We work with NYAAF sometimes to do collaborative funding; they’re great folks! So glad you’ve gotten to participate in the past…. this is my first year and I’m psyched!!
There have been exactly two great Accomplishments in my week:
1) I made my partner a prinsesstårta last weekend and made everything but the jam from scratch! Granted, it took me six exhausting hours and it turns out I don’t actually like marzipan very much, but still!
2) We bought the remastered Final Fantasy X and I beat the Luca Goers in the opening blitzball match 2-0! Okay yes it was on the third attempt but it was still enormously satisfying, especially the Jecht Shot right into Graav’s smug dumb face.
There is no need to speak about the rest of my week. I would much rather hear about great Accomplishments in the weeks of others.
I cannot believe you accomplished that. That is INCREDIBLE. GBBO & me applaud you.
Prinsesstårta!!! I first learned about this on the Great British Baking Show and I have been dreaming of eating one ever since! I kind of love marzipan, so I’m pretty sure it would be my ideal dessert. I’m very impressed at your attempt – that shiz looks complicated!
If you live near an Ikea, they sometimes have them in their restaurant!
That genoise sponge is so tricky!
Toasties, two of my best friends in grad school are moving across the country on Monday, to be shortly followed by two of my other best friends. I’ve just accepted that next week I am going to be Not Okay, so any comforting/cheering links, gifs, recipes, books etc. would be greatly appreciated. I really, really hate change
(((Toasthugs)))
My go-to Feel Better Fast books are “Shirakawa Yofune” by Banana Yoshimoto (I think Emmerich translated it as “asleep” for the American market) and “Winter’s Tale” by Mark Helprin (be warned this is heavy and ponderous and kind of preachy, but has big whammo Guiding Light lines every single chapter. I don’t even read it anymore, I just flip it open to a random page to see what life advice it will dispense to me).
Also, I just want to tell you that I without fail pronounce your username as “papaya junebug” in my mind whenever I read it. I hope that can make you smile a little.
It does make me smile because that’s exactly how it should be pronounced! “Papaya” was/is my childhood nickname from my dad, who was the one who determined whether I could use AIM or not when I was in middle school and chose that username.
I’ve made this samosa pie several times and it’s tasty and comforting.
Nooooo broken link! Can you post it again in a reply? I want this tasty pie!
Here it is again samosa pie. Turns out that having both “” in the html kind of makes a difference. Who knew?
YES SOMETHING SURPRISING HAPPENED TO ME THIS WEEK.
I walked into the public restroom on my floor at work on Wednesday, and a chicken walked out of a stall. (Its person was in the stall and came out moments later). It wandered around the room unconcernedly, and crapped on the floor, so it was perhaps more used to public restrooms than I would expect of a chicken.
… why would you bring a pet chicken into a public restroom? I mean, I guess you can’t tie it up outside, but still.
Nothing can be more surprising than this. Just. Nothing.
Did you catch it so you could make a nice Kiev and absorb its power?
Wow! Were you able to ascertain why the person had a chicken in a public restroom?
Yes! Its person explained to me that they were there to lobby a councilperson for it to be legal to keep backyard chickens in our city. Which is fine. I’m not sure why the chicken needed to be out of its box, though.
They should have bought Debo’s hen boxes from the Sotheby’s auction.
Having the chicken walking around and pooping on things was probably not helping their argument.
To be fair, she did clean up after it. But still.
That’s kind of great. “We should be able to keep chickens, like THIS ONE!”
“You look Mrs Flufferbutter in the eye and tell her she’s not welcome.”
That is straight up “citizenry of Pawnee” logic. Ah, politics.
“HAM AND MAYONNAISE!”
Pray tell, what was the chicken’s name?
I didn’t ask, unfortunately. Nor did I get a picture, I was just too boggled.
Well, the next time this happens, please do! (If you get so lucky, that is!)
OK so I am biased because I kind of have A Thing about chickens (a dream of owning one as a pet someday), but I sort of see this as a good omen? Like, surely, this is some kind of blessing from the God of Poultry, or a sign of favorable things to come.
I like this idea. Better than reblogging a tumblr dog or whatever.
This is like something that would happen on The West Wing.
– Josh, why is there a chicken in the bathroom?
– Those nuts from the local backyard chicken lobbyist group are back again, CJ!
– Well, just don’t tell the President. He hates birds.
Better a chicken in the bathroom than an alligator through the window, I suppose!
That’s amazing. I live in Portland OR, and it’s pretty much like all the stories. My sister (who also lives here) and I do a contest–what’s the most Portland thing you’ve seen today? My still the winner was a lady carrying a snoring baby pig in a duffel bag on the Max train. Why? I don’t know, didn’t want to ask and wake the pig.
Here’s my Portlandiest thing: one night I channel-surfed past the local news and saw that the teaser for the upcoming story was “GOAT DEFACED.” Obviously I had to stay on the channel to find out what the hell had happened to the poor goat — my best guess was that someone had shaved a design into its fur. Turned out it had been briefly goatnapped, then returned with its little horns painted red. Then they showed the goat’s home and I realized, WAIT A MINUTE, I KNOW THIS GOAT. I’VE PETTED THIS GOAT. Portland: kind of a small town! Full of goats!
(This is also my best brush with fame. A goat I knew was on the news once!)
Sadly I know no famous goats, but I did have a friend here who had 3 chickens and a bunny. For Christmas one year she did a picture of herself as Mary, the bunny of course was Jesus and then the three wise chickens. Pretty much the greatest Christmas card ever. Portland, surprisingly high in farm animals.
Like the goat that boarded a bus by itself in SE and took a ride around town.
In case you missed it: there’s now a facebook group for pdx toasties! We’re having our first meetup the first wednesday in march!
Hi fellow Portlanders!!! I have no idea if you’ve already joined, but if you or other Portlanders haven’t, we have a FB group now for Portland Toasties — just search for Pdx Toasties!
We’re scheduled a meetup for early March at a place literally called Toast and Pho. 😀
A link went around facebook recently that was like “the thirty most portland things ever,” and I knew the people in like five of the photos.
Okay, you win the prize for Most Surprising Thing, hands-down.
Toasts! What are you reading?
I am reading Who Fears Death by Nnedi Ookrafor, and it is ah-may-zing! It’s a page-turner, I can’t put it down, and it’s unlike anything I’ve read before. Wow!
Last week I finished up Just Mercy by Bryan Stevenson, and I’m recommending it to my church study group, in lieu of a biblical-based lesson. We’ll see how that turns out!
I’m rereading N.K. Jemisin’s “Hundred Thousand Kingdoms” series; currently halfway through the last book, Kingdom of Gods. I love her writing so much.
Currently in my bag: “Racing the Dark” by Alaya Dawn Johnson, which I expect to finish this evening, and “Midnight Taxi Tango” by Daniel Jose Older, which I will begin immediately after.
Ooooh is that new Alaya Dawn Johnson?
It’s actually a few years old. 2009, I think?
I LOVE WHO FEARS DEATH. LOVE IT. Have you read the Fifth Season by N.K. Jemisin? I think you’d like that, as well.
I wish Jemisin’s work were available in audio form. I get through a lot more audio books than paper. I talked to my librarian earlier this month and she said they would definitely order it on CD or e-audio if it were available.
I am reading The Fifth Season by N. K. Jemisin and I am so enthralled. I’ve read her other books too, but for some reason, this one is really grabbing me.
It is SO GOOD, holy shit. It’s next on my list to re-read after I finished Kingdom of Gods.
I’ve got it out from the library. It is in the short stack of things I am tearing through. (I have two more ahead of it.)
Is anybody else reading Hunger Makes Me A Modern Girl? I’m about halfway through and I’m really loving it. (Also how is everybody putting their titles in italics?)
HTML! You use these brackety guys < > to make many magical things happen. For italics, put a set with an i in the middle in front and then a set with /i at the end of whatever you want italicized.
You are both amazing!
< i > text < /i > (Just remove the spaces)
I just finished it a few days ago! I have to admit I wasn’t super familiar with Sleater-Kinney before I started so there were some points where I thought “that would probably be a cool behind-the-scenes tidbit if I knew what she was talking about” (forgive me, I’m a Youth). But overall I really liked it!
I’ve been listening to them all week to catch up. They’re my reading soundtrack
i am eagerly awaiting getting it off hold at the library!
I just finished it and I loved it!
I’m so close to finishing Lafayette in the Somewhat United States so close! I have a stack of 5 new books from the library, but I haven’t dived into any yet…
Satin Island. It makes me wish I was an anthropologist. Kind of.
I’m making my slow way through Kushiel’s Chosen
I’m doing a re-read of the Thursday Next books, which I haven’t done in ages. God, I forgot how I love all the literary/historical puns in those books.
Short Stories by Jesus by Amy Jill Levine, which is a great look at some of the New Testament parables. She is one of my most favorite NT scholars.
I’m reading The Boleyn Inheritance by Philippa Gregory – I haven’t read any of her other Tudor-y books but it was lying around and I needed a book to read! pretty good so far.
Earlier this week I finished The People in the Trees, which was definitely good, but holy moly. O_O what a disturbing book. gonna be an interesting book club discussion, that’s for sure!
Hanya Yanagihara is coming to my library to give a talk next week. I am so curious as to what she’s like as a person, because…damn…her books are terrifying/disturbing/sad. (I like them, though)
I LOVED The People in the Trees – it was such a wild ride, and then the ENDING, holy crap!
(I also loved A Little Life, but as my sister said after she finished it: “it was the greatest book I would never recommend to anyone else ever.”)
YEAH. I finished it on the train and it took all my self control not to yell “WHAAAAT. WHAT WHAT WHAT” out loud. HOO BOY.
Yes. I was emotionally destroyed by A Little Life (but in a…good way…maybe?). After I read it, I wanted to talk to people about it SO BADLY. But everyone I spoke to said something like “Oh you liked it a lot, maybe I’ll pick it up, then.” To which I had to respond, “No no no! I’m not recommending it! just need to find someone who happens to have read it.” Its like searching for survivors.
Yeah, a couple friends tried to pick it up after that because I was RAVING and posting quotes here and there, but later they came back to me and were like N O P E NOPE NOPE. I can’t really blame them.
Almost done with Lafayette in the Somewhat United States, and my library hold on the Hamilton bio just came through, so it’s all American Revolution, all the time here.
I finished the Hamilton bio this week! It is good but extraordinarily long.
I’ve moved on to Rainbow Rowell’s Carry On, which is delightfully world-building and teenagery and quick.
Did Chernow write like he was running out of time. 🙂
On the recommendation of Toasties I’ve got Men, Women, and Chain Saws, and House of Psychotic Women just came in at the library. I forgot how much I love feminist horror criticism. <3 <3 <3 (Also, I have high hopes that one of these will point me back to the essay on what’s so hilarious about Texas Chain Saw Massacre that I remember reading in college but have never been able to find again.)
Also, my pagan study program has me reading The Velveteen Rabbit and The Little Prince.
<3 House of Psychotic Women. Think I’ll re-read the Zulawski parts tonight…
“Also, my pagan study program has me reading The Velveteen Rabbit and The Little Prince.”
Um, why?
Or, I guess, are you reading them in escape from your pagan study program, or is this a branch of paganism I’m unfamiliar with?
It’s for the work on virtues – they were both recommended as examples of wisdom. I laughed, but I read them anyway (well, re-read, but it’s been a long time for both), and yeah, I think they’re good recommendations. I mean, given that you can’t ask people to read Lord of the Rings as background for a 125-word essay.
Ah, that makes more sense.
I have House of Psychotic Women in my bookcase, but am wondering if I should wait to read it until Fall is closer – seems like something that might be nice to take a seasonal approach to. Thoughts?
Would love to see that Texas Chainsaw Massacre essay if you find it.
I read it as one thing, but I honestly think it might be better suited to grazing. Just a chapter at a time, or just a few of the film descriptions in the back. It’s quite a lot to take in as a whole.
Hasn’t Mallory made both TVR and TLP horrific at this point? I know she’s done TVR.
I am reading The Book of Strange New Things and I love it so far but have been warned it answers only a small number of the questions it raises.
I previously read Dietland and would love to discuss it with Toasties if anyone else has thoughts! I thought it was a great read, deeply fun and funny even when it was dark, but also soooo second-wavey and with a handful of total WTF moments.
Finishing The New Jim Crow, will now become monthly ACLU donor.
Learned about this and may get back into graphic novels as a result: http://blacknerdproblems.com/black-a-graphic-nove…
Right now I am reading SPQR by Mary Beard.
I’m about 20% into How To Be Both by Ali Smith. So far, I don’t get all the stylistic choices (it took me a while to get my bearings) but I am interested. For the record: I have the version that starts with the historical section.
I just read “The unfortunate importance of beauty” by Amanda Filipacchi and it was so odd. Just, the oddest odd I have ever read. It was so fun.
The Lightkeepers by Abby Geni, who I know in real life and is lovely and amazing.
I just finished Remember Mia, which I would rank above The Girl on the Train and below Gone Girl, although it actually reminded me more of Dark Places.
Reading a book to review, A Wish for You, which is very trope-y romantic comedy with a sprinkle of fairy tale, but decent enough within those tropes for the most part.
I also went on a Curtis Sittenfeld reread binge (everything except American Wife) and I still, after about 10 years, can’t decide how I feel about her writing.
Under the Udala Trees, by Chinelo Okparanta. It’s sometimes emotionally fraught without being anxiety-inducing, somehow? Which is pretty exciting for me.
YES it’s so good!!!
eeee I just put this on hold at my library and I can’t wait to read
Yes yes yes! Read it last week!
I read Life After Life this week, and I loved it. I need to talk about that ending with people!
I am pretty much always here for Kate Atkinson discussions! I haven’t read the sequel yet, though, because of waiting for the paperback.
There’s a sequel?!?!
Not as such, more of a companion piece from Teddy’s POV. It’s called A God In Ruins.
Here for that discussion! I thought the ending was oddly triumphant for how sad it was?
I liked the ending in theory, but I thought it was missing several key steps! (Spoilers obviously) Like, how did she pull off saving Teddy, when she hadn’t in previous lifetimes? How did she make the decision to NOT try and save all of Europe? And how are we supposed to feel that this is an ending when she’s just going to keep reliving everything forever?
I’m reading the illustrated Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone I got for Christmas. It’s been a while since I’d actually read a Harry Potter book, and it turns out it’s still fantastic. I’m really enjoying the illustrations as well.
Delicious Foods. Oof.
One of the characters is addicted to crack, and her chapters around that time are narrated not in third person limited like everything else but in first person…by crack. Narrated by crack. It sounds hockey but is really sinister and sad and really drives home her disconnect and lack of strength. And also kind of makes one want to curl up into a ball in the corner, but it’s an awesome book.
I’m a little over halfway through Life After Life by Kate Atkinson, and I looooooove.
I’m working my way (slowly) through Parzival in an attempt to find out how much I’m really into German medievalism before I do anything drastic on the academic planning front
This seems wise! And how much are you into German medievalism? 🙂
I just started The Old Curiosity Shop, because Dickens is great. I laughed loudly several times on the bus ride home yesterday.
Who Fears Death is a treasure. Enjoy.
Thanks!
I just started “Dead Mountain” by Donnie Eichar, which is about Dyatlov Pass, and so far it is fantastic.
I’m also reading the first of Kate Beaton’s published “Hark a Vagrant” books though, because I get easily freaked out by unsolved mysteries and need something lighthearted to take my mind off things before I turn my light off to go to bed.
I just finished “On the Road”, the last book that Oliver Sacks completed before he died. Highly recommend it– it’s an autobiography covering the latter part of his life (after he finished medical school and went to the US). It’s a fascinating look at his personal life and career.
I was particularly moved to read about how he unexpectedly fell in love towards the end of his life, after 35+ years of celibacy (and having difficulty with his family over his homosexuality).
I have been slogging through a book called Masters of Empire: Great Lakes Indians and the Making of America by Michael McDonnell, which I bought because it got great reviews for being a history of early modern North America that focuses on the Indians going about their business, with Europeans as kind of tangential pawns they made use of when appropriate–which is something I am really interested in. But I am just not feeling it. Okay, part of the problem is that, even with the shift of focus, the sources are pretty much all European, because they’re the ones who wrote things down, but the reviews also said that it was so well written, and it’s just dull. But dammit, I am going to finish it eventually, because this is something I want to know about.
My book group finally started Infinite Jest, so I’m about 50 pages into that now. I was worried it would be denser (maybe that happens more later), but am finding it easier to read than expected, if not a “brilliant masterpiece” as advertised just yet.
Also reading God’s Secretaries about the writing of the King James Bible and Dewbreaker by Edwidge Danticat. Lots of good, interesting stuff all around!
oooohhh I want to read Nnedi Okrafor. On my list.
I’m reading Ken Liu’s A Grace of Kings right now, as well as Adichie’s Americanah. liking both a lot, but going soooooo sloooooowww.
Hey, I’m reading A Grace of Kings too! I just started a couple days ago. It’s been a while since I read a proper brick of a fantasy novel, and I’m not doing so great at keeping all the names straight. Especially the gods.
Ranier Maria Rilke’s Book of Hours and Wendy Cope’s Two Cures for Love, both poetry. And just finished Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, which was too close to the original Austen for me to enjoy it as much as I wanted to. (The film was a delight though!)
I want to read WFD, but knowing what I know about the plot, I just can’t bring myself to do so. I’m not even actually triggered by it, in a PTSD way, but I cannot deal with depictions in fiction.
Just got Vol 1-4 of Saga and partway through Part 1. Liking it a lot so far.
This week was not much for reading due to school vacation & thus extra parenting, but I have finally made it to The Magician’s Land! I am deeply annoyed by the end of the second book, it was such a failure of imagination on Grossman’s part and I hope he is very ashamed of himself.
Also we are still very slowly reading an introduction to literary criticism book and now structuralism and post-structuralism kind of make sense sort of, at least enough I think we could answer GRE questions about them.
I’m reading Chop Suey: A Cultural History of Chinese Food in the United States by Andrew Coe. Very interesting so far. Also, reading Ancillary Mercy to my spouse (his first time, my second), and really enjoying rereading it and having someone to discuss things with. Also, Kalr Five/dishes = OTP 4EVA!
Late to the discussion, clearly, but just read Private Citizens by Tony Tulathimutte. It only came out a few weeks ago, but I heard about it because he wrote an interesting piece for The Paris Review as part of his promotional activities. Anyway, it was being touted as “Middlemarch for Millennials” which is pretty ugh, but I guess I can sort of see it — there’s way more irony and satire than George Eliot would approve of, but perhaps that’s what makes it “millennial.” Not recommended if you require characters, or even just one, to be likeable — they’re pretty much all hateful in equal measure — but it’s an excellent exercise in empathy and by the end you do feel empathy with the characters, I think, even if they haven’t changed fundamentally, which is a bit scary.
I recently survived an excruciatingly thorough web content management training, wherein I learned such valuable skills as “how to use a rich text editor.” However! It did have the benefit of introducing me to bacon ipsum, cupcake ipsum, and hipster ipsum. They have brought me great joy and therefore I’m sharing them with you. Any other awesome ipsums out there?
I have to deliver those trainings to clients. Everybody hates them.
I don’t have a good ipsum, but a developer friend did turn me on to place holder Kittens https://placekitten.com/
I haven’t gotten to use it get, apparently its not ‘appropriate’, but I live in hope!
Place holder … in my heart!!!
Have you seen writtenkitten.co ? It got me through law school exams. Not quite a placeholder so much as motivation.
What the hell is “not appropriate” about a placeholder kitten? Placeholder kittens: always appropriate.
I have sent this and the link to Hipster Ipsum to my boyfriend, who works with a web design company.
…and if anyone wants to explain to the uneducated what ipsums are, the knowledge will be appreciated.
Haha, sorry! Lorem ipsum is the standard faux-Latin placeholder text. 🙂
Thank you! Maybe this is why much of the web scares me–it sounds like the person who inevitably sits next to me on public transportation. I’m also confused by those word-substitution apps, but while hitting an awful snag while doing my taxes and trying to search for a solution I was offered the Taxes to Butt app, which certainly felt apt.
Donut croissant carrot cake pie chocolate donut cookie powder. Candy canes cotton candy jelly beans marzipan powder donut. Biscuit tiramisu gummies.
OH MY GOODNESS Cupcake Ipsum IS A GIFT. Thank you!
I just emailed cupcake ipsum to my friend/our web development contractor. I really hope they start using it.
Although really their firm needs, for a range of reasons, a Whale Sounds Ipsum generator.
I’m so glad I now know about these! And the next logical question is ‘what about cheese?’ Well I am glad to report someone has done that important work. http://www.cheeseipsum.co.uk/
Yessss cheese ipsum! *adds to list*
I sent that to my brother the cheese-loving editor.
I use http://www.fillerati.com/ for testing things, because it gives me interesting snippets from books (Alice in Wonderland, War of the Worlds, etc.) which I enjoy. However, it isn’t REALLY a lorem ipsum bc it is all English sentences.
This is awesome!
There was a NFSW 50 Shades ipsum generator out there (not gonna google it at work)…
Yeah, I’ll look that one up some other time. Not sure it would go over well in the office.
Bacon ipsum is my favorite!
YES HELLO I AM HERE
http://fillerama.io/ has Futurama ipsum, Doctor Who ipsum, Monty Python ipsum, and more. The Futurama is my favorite.
Amazing.
You Ipsum nerds may or may not be delighted to know that in Jasper Fforde’s Thursday Next universe, children learn to speak in Lorem Ipsum. I know I was.
http://panipsum.com/
choose or collate your own personal ipsum
I know this is late but I’m a graphic designer and I’m now SO GLAD I went through and read this thread, thank you for the gift of the ipsums.
Hello everyone! I just want to check in and tell everyone I performed for the first time in front of an audience of about 75 lovely women and non binary friends. I told a story about how a cutout of vanilla ice ended up on my ceiling. I was not only the youngest performer, I was the youngest person there. It was such an honor, I can’t even articulate it. It went really great, I had such a fun time, and people laughed! I was terrified they wouldn’t. I really feel like that’s something I want to do with my life. Tell stories and make people laugh.
Anyways, you can read the story here http://daisymesmolling.tumblr.com/post/1394626930…
I’m really proud of it and myself yay self confidence
Have a great weekend everyone!
The news of my week is that someone was hiding in the women’s bathroom at my work (the bathroom I use ALL THE TIME) to take pictures of people peeing. But like, super not stealthily? They literally stuck a camera phone under the wall between the stalls, camera on, causing the person in the stall to shriek and run away and call the police. But they didn’t see what the person looked like at all. And now we’re all eyeing each menacingly whenever we finally get brave (slash in pain) enough to use the bathroom.
What the fuuuuck
Do you work at a major educational institution with a dome? Cuz that’s happening here, too.
Yeeeep, hi colleague! My lab is on the hall with this bathroom. Fun fun fun.
It’s deeply effed up that this is happening to you, BUT: I’m very pleased that now I know there’s at least one other Toastie roaming the halls here.
Me too! We are legion! 😀
whattttttttt that might be my former institution (I guess there are multiple domes in the world…). That’s super gross and uncomfortable.
Me three! I got the email alert about it. Fortunately, not a building I do much in. Grrrr!!
Campus Toastron club? Or maybe we just team up and solve creeper crimes?
Why not both?
I’m in!
I saw the e-mail alert, too. My building is near there, and I cut through that building all the time. As if being here at night isn’t already inherently creepy and sad.
Buddy system needed, clearly. Also perhaps a pillow case of oranges or soap bar twisted into a t-shirt.
I know who to call:
This week, I finished a Stephen King novel (Bag of Bones; the only other I’ve read is The Green Mile). While overall I found it creepy and interesting, it definitely had its share of “WTF, Stephen King?” moments, and I was left with an overarching sense of… you know, I really don’t need to hear about what your penis is thinking, dude.
It has inspired me to read only women-authored books for the foreseeable future. I think I will start with a re-read of all the Harry Potters. I’ve only read them once each, so I’m excited!
King has a way of winning you over with a great character or undeniably gripping premise, then completely fucking it up by defaulting to his genitals for writing advice. Drives me bonkers because there’s a lot to like there, but…ugh.
This has been my reaction to the several times I’ve read Stephen King.
Welcome to the quintessential Stephen King reading experience! May I recommend Tananarive Due, a female horror author of color, for a palate-cleansing experience?
I don’t think Stephen King’s wife Tabitha has written anything lately, and she is not a horror writer per se, but some of the things that happen to her characters are pretty horrific. I have enjoyed some of her books.
Coincidentally, I started reading his Danse Macabre last night and am only about thirty pages in, but we’ll see how it goes. It’s a nonfiction book about the horror genre, so maybe there will be a lower level penis-thought moments than usual?
(I admit the only King novels I’ve read are Carrie and The Shining, so I can’t vouch for the rest of him. But I totally know what you mean from having read those.)
(Although his On Writing book is mostly great, so I have hopes that his nonfiction has fewer King problems than his fiction.)
if you like, you should join the Harry Potter re-read twitter chat some of us are doing! Chamber of Secrets will be next week 😀
details here: http://hprr2016.tumblr.com/ (oh, I totally meant to storify the Sorcerer’s Stone tweets, note to self, do that for real.)
Thanks!
Woah I’m so excited for you to re-read Harry Potter! That would be the second best thing to reading them for the first time. I generally read part or all of the series each summer so I’m many re-reads deep and jealous. Enjoy!
I’ve been informally reading only women this year (although I’m currently reading a non-fiction book by a man, so…) and so far it is going swimmingly! I’ve transitioned so much of my reading to mostly women over the last few years that it’s barely making a blip on the reading habits.
I have made this change, and it makes me SO HAPPY. if I need a dude book, I’ll borrow it from a friend.
My own breakup update in the reply.
I’m meeting briefly this weekend with ex-metamour to say what I would have wanted to talk about, had we ever had the meeting I requested back when B (my ex) and I were still together. Trying to figure out to say in my limited (15 minutes) time.
I think the most important thing amounts to, “It would have meant the world to me if you’d ever asked how I was doing.”
Also important: “I never learned what was high-value to you, other than dating B. Back when B and I were still dating, I wanted to talk about whether we could make this work in a way that was less painful to me. Part of that was wanting to learn what I could do for you that you would recognize as a sign of kindness and goodwill. And I mean, something other than pretending to be more okay than I was so you could have the kind of unfettered relationship with B that you wanted.
“I tried really hard to signal goodwill. I sent you links to music I thought you’d like. I cooked food at Thanksgiving that took your preferences and allergies into account. I tried to make sure the group’s conversation included you. I found a certification program that looked as if it might give you some better employment options. I asked how you were doing and listened to what you had to say. I don’t remember you reciprocating, or saying thanks. I remember feeling like I was making a lot of effort, and it was hard on me emotionally, and it didn’t seem to do anything positive for you. I kept thinking that there was a magic thing I could do that would result in you caring about how I was doing, and all I needed to do was find it. And I never did.”
Also: “When we first met, before B or I knew that you were interested in him, I remember thinking, ‘Wow, this person really doesn’t like me. Maybe I stepped on a sore spot. Maybe I remind them of someone they hate. Maybe they have no patience for try-hards like me.’ But I perceived an unusual degree of what I perceived as instant rancor. When I saw you hugging B at rehearsal, a look of yearning on your face that was so intense that my first instinct was to look away, all of a sudden, I thought: ‘OH. This person sees me as an obstacle to expressing their feelings for B.’
“And nothing in our interaction after that moment called my perception into question. I was terrified that what you really wanted was for me to vanish entirely from B’s life. That fear makes no sense– you’re polyamorous, used to being with people who have other partners. But it’s the total I kept getting when I added up everything I saw. I was afraid that I was going to be replaced. And now I have been.”
I am apprehensive about this meeting. EM has a defensive streak. But if I’m going to have any hope of staying friends with B– and I’d like to, since we’ve been close friends since high school– I need not to have a degree of rancor and hurt stored up toward the person he’s with.
Anyone have ideas of what to do to burn off steam after a brief but stressful and maybe not-as-gratifying-as-I’d-hoped conversation?
Maybe just skip the conversation to begin with? It doesn’t sound like this person is able or willing to give you the peace or comfort you want, and though they may be able to give you some explanation or justification for how they behaved towards you there isn’t anything they can say that would undo the hurt you felt. I can certainly understand the impulse to make things right with your friends partner or possible partner, but sometimes the best we can hope for is cordiality. In any case, if you and your ex have just recently split, maybe it’s worth giving everyone (yourself, most importantly) a little breathing room and time before having what might prove to be an intense and/or emotional conversation.
But, if you do go ahead with your talk with EM, then maybe have a treat of some kind in mind for afterward? A long walk somewhere nice, a good snack? A little bit of pampering in whatever way you like?
This sounds awful– I am so sorry this happened, and the way it happened. But I think I agree with msjinxie in that I don’t think this person is going to give you what you need. If anything, maybe the best thing to do is to just write a letter to her, so you don’t have to hear her responses/defensiveness/etc. I am so sorry once again.
I’m sorry, that sounds really hard! I think I’m with msjunxie in wondering if the convo will really help at all. Any time I’ve wanted a conversation after a breakup in the hopes that it might bring closure or greater understanding on my side or theirs of what went wrong – it has not helped one whit. It seems like something really emotional to put yourself through that probably won’t make you feel better or change how they see things.
Take the money. Also, have a look at what you’re entitled to, if common law marriage is a thing where you are.
And be kind to yourself after the conversation. Maybe a movie? Or fave book to turn your brain off for a couple hours?
CA doesn’t have common law marriage, but thank you– I appreciate the suggestion.
I’m with everyone else on maybe reconsidering the conversation. I don’t think you’ll get anything out of it, and I highly doubt it will be productive. I also second the idea of taking a good long break from contact with either your ex or the metamour, although if you decide to take some money from your ex that may be complicated. I don’t think you can or even should expect yourself to be friends with B right now. It may be beneficial to take some time off from “processing” and “closure” and “meeting” and “talking” and just focus on learning how to put your own needs first and do some healing on your own.
So, I had the conversation. I feel not-worse. In fact, I feel some degree of better.
I don’t feel like we’re going to be friends soon, but that is okay. Capable of being cordial is fine with me. Clearer air is fine with me.
In other news–
1) I am meeting with the landlord next week to get final approval on my entering the intentional community I’m trying to join. Prospective housemates and I like each other, and I like that they don’t see my desire for talking on a weekly basis about what’s going well and what needs improvement, so it never gets hard to talk, as weird or impossible.
2) The cat of the friends I’m currently staying with is a great lap-warmer and sleeping buddy, and I am going to miss her terribly when I move out.
3) B has offered financial assistance for six months. I am waffling on whether to accept it.
Pros:
If we’d been legally married for 11 1/2 years, he would have a financial responsibility to me.
There are decisions I made that privileged the relationship over my financial independence, especially once we were struggling.
If the house I’m going to live in does lose its diocesan support, which is somewhat likely, I am going to be searching for housing again within the next year, and at much higher cost. Some financial cushion would be helpful.
He wants me to be okay. This is a thing I arguably need: I’ve been skimping on food and walking to avoid paying for public transit.
He can manifestly afford it.
Cons:
I don’t want to appeal to B’s sense of obligation. I don’t think I can be both an obligation and a friend.
B didn’t *make me* decide to optimize for lower-paid jobs that I could get without moving away and putting further strain on our relationship.
If part of the problem in our relationship was my dependence, my being dependent isn’t going to help our friendship. Finding a living situation I can afford is the only way to solve that problem.
I don’t want to need anything from him. I don’t know how I can get over him if I need something from him.
I worry that I’d perceive him as doing this to assuage his conscience– to feel generous and good about himself– rather than to help me. I feel pretty ambivalent about him assuaging his conscience right now.
UGH UGH UGH.
If anyone has any spare clarity or fortitude they can send my way, I would be mightily grateful.
TAKE THE MONEY. takethemoneytakethemoneytakethemoney
Sorry. I am a rando on the internet who doesn’t know you, so take this with that particular grain of salt. But it sounds like you have bent over backwards to make those other people feel ok, and now it is time for you to make sure that you are ok. And take that money as your fucking due, not as a magnanimous gesture, whether he regards it as such or not.
I will add: In a lump sum, if at all possible. You don’t want to be asking every week for the phone bill money or the rent money or whatever. Make a budget and get the exchange all over with.
So I think what I’m hearing you say is that I should take the money? ;P
I like the idea of independence, but maybe scruples are for people with savings.
Use that money as the FOUNDATION for your independence. And don’t think that taking it is being dependent on him, or him doing you a favor; it is, to the contrary, not-even-adequate recompense for your years-long emotional labor. You can do it!! Good luck!!!!
Yes. Take the money. You yourself said that you made sacrafices in terms of employment in order to accomodate B. That $ is yours as much as it is B’s. I mean yes, B “earned” it, but they were in a position to do so because of your support and selflesness.
If you have access to a common account, clean it out. Visa? Max it out. Build yourself a fuck you fund and never feel like you did not deserve it. Just because capitalism does not value emotional work does not mean that you cannot.
Also ::toastiehugs:: sounds like you are having a tough time.
If you’d been legally married, I’m pretty sure you would be entitled to half of his savings (and vice-versa, though it sounds like your savings are much smaller). Whatever six months of assistance comes to, it’s probably less than that, so it’s not in any way an excessive amount of money for you to take.
I agree with both betsaroo and wondertwin2. Take the money, in a lump sum if at all possible.
Nothing particularly wonderful or surprising happened to me this week, but exactly one week from now I will not be trapped behind this desk–I’ll be on day two of wine binging… ahem… tasting… in Napa, where there will be sun and mild weather.
Wait. Something wonderful and surprising did happen to me this week: my pipes froze on Valentine’s Day, then burst (surprising) and then my no-account landlord fixed it and cleaned it up RIGHT AWAY (wonderful and surprising). I was fully expecting for him to shut the water off and leave us high and literally dry until whenevs, as has happened in other emergencies, but VALENTINE’S SHOWERS FOR ONE AND ALL. So romantic.
So jealous! Have you been to Mustard restaurant in Napa Valley? Go there. Get the burger. Be blown away.
No I haven’t–and I’m looking for one or two more places to eat! Thanks so very much!
I just got into a fight with strangers on Facebook about the Catholic Church’s treatment of people who are miscarrying. Not my usual style, and am feeling kind of ashamed (I told one woman that perhaps the ghost of Ayn Rand should provide her emergency medical care) but also, it is so fucking disheartening. If comments on ACLU posts are any indication, people do not know how common it is to lose a pregnancy, how fucking hard it can be on the body, and in general lack a basic level of human empathy. Feeling very anti-democracy (and social media) at the moment.
Also the Catholic Church should be banned from owning hospitals, and failing that, should not receive a drop of state or federal funding. NOT A DROP.
I’ve talked to my dad, a Catholic who would be responsible for making my medical decisions if I were unable to, and made it perfectly clear that I should never be taken to a Catholic hospital and if I end up in one he should transfer me immediately. I’m lucky to live in a place where there are other options and it’s a legitimate concern for when I have to move next.
Consider “liking” Catholics for Choice and A Voice for Choice, and, oh there are others on FB but I can’t think of them right now. I think you will feel better about the world when you see their work.
Fuck all of those people. That story made me so angry I couldn’t finish it.
RIGHT! One of the hospitals being sued is in my hometown, is the only hospital within 70 miles, and is the only hospital within 2-3 HOURS for many people who live further north. Used to volunteer there as a teen. Nauseating.
I know some of them were probably just trolls which is why I try to avoid that shit usually but it is such a horrifying topic and I felt like if I could just explain well enough how common and how horrible these experiences are, they’d change their mind. A fool’s errand.
My mother went to the only non-Catholic Church run hospital in our town to deliver me because she had high blood pressure and other risk factors that made choosing between the life of the mother and the life of the baby a very real possibility. She wanted to be somewhere where her choice make decisions to protect her own life would be respected, and I 100% respect that too. I can’t even put into words how upsetting I find it that some women are coerced out of that choice.
And 100% would stay off facebook, because I wouldn’t be my best in response to anyone who wanted to disagree there.
I was NOT my best, and shall head your advice. It makes me so sick, to think of my own personal nightmare of an experience as a luxury. So much hatred for people with uteri.
Wednesday evening I responded to a “Skeptics” page that they should A-keep up their criticism of David Wolfe, for obvious reasons and B-refrain from using the word “derp,” for ableist reasons.
OH MY GOSH the responses. They ranged from a meme encouraging me to hang myself to memes with pics of people with down’s syndrome, mocking them. After I turned off notifications for that post, I still got messages.
Sorry to hijack. just, YES to staying off facebook fights. It’s too tied to your personal information and there’s usually no one moderate or curate the page. And YES the the beautiful land of Toast, where our fearless leaders wade through the disgusting comments and keep them away from us. THEY ARE THE REAL SHEROES.
Why is “derp” problematic? Not attacking, I genuinely don’t know and would like to be able to tell all the people I know who use that word.
In my experience, it is a mocking word meant to sound like things that a person with Down’s Syndrome or another developmental disorder would say. Usually accompanied by mocking faces and gestures.
Yep, what Nina said.
Honestly, the reason I mentioned something on a public page is that a lot of people don’t know. Just like how I didn’t know plenty of harmful words, and I appreciate people letting me know. I figured that some people would disagree, but we could just exchange some thoughts on the subject and go our merry way. Because I am not very smart.
Thank you, this is very helpful.
What does the Catholic Church do?
http://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2016/feb/18/mi…
Why are so many US hospitals being sold to the Catholic church?
They can afford it and it suits the church to control our reproductive health.
Who are they buying the hospitals from? Would these be formerly state or federally owned hospitals that are suffering due to cutbacks? Or are all hospitals in U.S. owned by a religious or private org?
Sorry for question assault, I don’t know much about US healthcare so was curious about the background. It’s pretty grim to see religious control of hospitals increasing.
A lot of hospitals were started by churches (I think most hospitals are run by companies that are technically non-profits), and those hospitals have often since become huge. In my city, a number of church-run hospitals (many of whom weren’t Catholic) merged to become a huge system that runs three hospitals and a bunch of smaller associated clinics.
We also have other large hospital systems, one is run by the Lutheran church and one is Seventh-Day Adventists.
Now that I think about it, the only non-religious one might be the the Veteran’s Association, and the university hospital (which is a huge campus with many specialties and that does a lot of research).
EDIT: No, wait, we also have Kaiser Permanente, which is its own weird system–if your employer gets KP insurance, all your care comes from KP, and they have all their own hospitals and clinics, everything is just in-house. They’re not religious at all.
Thank you for clarifying! The name Kaiser Permanente is vaguely familiar – am I right in thinking that Huey Newton was refused or partially refused treatment at one for a gunshot wound, because of the insurance thing? Must look that up.
As far as I know, some places have county clinics and hospitals, but they’re much, much smaller. The biggest hospitals were all either started by a religious group or a university.
Toastieeeeeez happy weekend! I have an interview next week in the US (where I’m from but don’t currently live) which I have a sneaky suspicion that I got partly because of the Toast? My resume is completely middle-of-the-road for this type of position EXCEPT for a piece I wrote for the Toast, and the hiring manager seems the right demographic/mindset to be a Toastie. SLIMMEST of suspicions, but still.
The other thing is: I am SUPER PUMPED to go shopping at American mass retailers!! What should I get? Anything amazing at Sephora? Did Gap come out with any extra-soft underpants? What clever gadgetry and new types of scented candles have been invented since I was here last?
I’m particularly in the market for tinted lip balm recommendations. I can’t bring myself to spend the money on those Fresh ones, though.
In the last year I’ve used up and re-purchased a Revlon Matte Balm in Sultry, sort of a dusty rose color.
I’m loving the Revlon Balm Stain in Honey. If you see it, do not fear the pink shade of the tube – the balm itself is a more neutral lip-pink.
For true tinted lip balm, I love the Burt’s Bees Tinted Lip Balm in Rose, for a sheer dark pink/light red that works with my pale skin – not orangey at all. (btw, this is the lip balm that comes packaged in a cardboard tube – I’ve seen it at drug stores, grocery stores, natural markets, for around $8)
Any of the Burt’s Bees tinted lip balm are great.
Finances Thread Second Attempt! First gif apparently upsetting to some: attempting soothing Rihanna instead.
Hey Financial Toasties –
I didn’t post last week so my numbers are for two weeks, not one:
Expenses: $1,582.39
Income: $2,726.44
Debt repayment: $3,074.11
I’m … sort of okay with these numbers? My expenses include Valentine’s Day spending, which amounted to about $500 for dinner out with my partner, little gifts and flowers for my colleagues and friends, postage to send packages to my friends out of state, etc. There’s also the $375 for my rent for my office, which is a business expense. So overall I spent around $700 over two weeks in groceries, eating out, household expenses, and some new jeans I needed since my old ones fell apart.
I can still improve significantly on dinners out. And I tallied the amount of money I spend on snacks/candy alone, and it’s over $100 for those two weeks – for food that isn’t real food. That’s no good. Going to work on that, because snacks also aren’t helping in the area of getting my fitness level back up where I want it to be.
I’m proud of the amount of money I repaid in debt. Not all of it went toward credit cards as intended, because I needed to pay back one non-credit card debt kind of urgently, but it’s still a significant amount of money off my total debt, and my credit card debt still went down despite my putting the Valentine’s Day dinner on a card.
Total credit card debt: $19,261.05 <— still going down. I’m going to break into the 18k range by the end of this month, which is great – right on schedule.
Total debt repaid since beginning of the year: $3,523.19, bringing my total debts, cc and otherwise, down to $32,381.05. That’s pretty good. I wasn’t making any money at all until the end of January, so I think this is good progress.
I’m sorryyyyyyyyy
It’s really no problem! I’m sorry the first gif was trigger-y for you!
Besides, now we get Rihanna. Which is never a bad thing.
WELP. I will copy-paste here then.
I spent way too much money this past week. 🙁 Went out on multiple dates, which meant eating out at relatively nice places multiple times. As small consolation I’m packing lunches for work again. But it will not be enough, I think, to immediately counteract my profligacy.
I feel you on the eating out. It’s a hard thing to cut, especially since it’s so easy to justify when so many social obligations revolve around food/drinks. What’s done is done; we’ll do better this coming week.
I had a whole thing of feeling very guilty about getting the wine pairings with our meal (because Valentine’s Day!) and realizing afterward that we could have just ordered a nice bottle and even a glass of champagne each in addition and saved like $120. But I can’t change what I did, so I will just remember going forward what I decided would have been a better way to go and try to act accordingly.
Otherwise you have to feel guilty for stuff Past-You did, and without a time machine you can’t do fuck-all about Past You’s actions.
YES x100000 regarding food/drink and social obligations. It doesn’t help that I really really enjoy food and drink, and exploring all the options that are available to me in that arena.
I am also going to make a large, planned expense at the beginning of the month. (New tattoo! Yay!) I have the savings for it, but I still want to cut back on my expenditures as much as possible to minimize the effect on my savings. (The Fuck-You Fund will be untouched! That I can guarantee.)
Dinners out is the hardest category to manage, IME. You’re doing great!
I went a little bananas with the President’s Day sales, because I was in the middle of an “I hate everything I own” moment. That said, if I keep it frugal for the rest of the month I anticipate having about $200 to throw at my credit card, which ain’t nothing.
One of my student loans is due to enter repayment soon, and I’ve maxed out the possible forbearance. I may just start paying it off rather than asking for an exception — I could probably afford to make double the minimum payment for the forseeable future. I still need to run the numbers (which this thread gives me some motivation to do!).
If you can afford to make the payment, do not stay in forbearance! Interest is accumulating all the while you don’t pay. You are going to come out with a higher monthly payment than you went in with.
Yeah, the biggest reason the loans have been in forbearance so long is that I’ve been in grad school without the means to pay the total (massive) volume of my undergrad loans, and the interest is something that keeps me up at night.
So I got audited this year. Yeah! So I owe NY state money that I do not have, because I cocked up a form 3 years ago. BOO. The lovely man on the helpdesk consoled me that
1. This particular mistake happens all the time (me: then FIX THE FORMS!)
2. The statute of limitations would have run out in 3 months (me: good for you?)
3. The state of New York would rather spend 2 years chasing me, a poorly paid academic, for $1k than investigate the billions in evaded tax by literally half the residents of Manhattan (no shade on the rest of you, but I am bitter).
BUT.. I did start an emergency fund last summer. Which is now empty. BUT, goes to show you that emergency funds are useful things.
I owe backtaxes and I haven’t filed yet. I’m terrified of what happens when I do.
I’m really glad you had that emergency fund ready! And I agree with you on the fucking bullshit that is corporations/financiers getting away with murder in their taxes and the government chasing down people who make tiny salaries for itty-bitty amounts of money (to them) that are huge amounts of money (to people with tiny salaries). What the shit is that.
Albany are ruthless and I think they deliberately wait for a few years of penalties and interest to accrue before they let you know about an issue. I am so,so conscientious about my taxes and I have still gotten burnt there.
We just did our taxes and are relieved that we are getting a rebate this year instead of unexpectedly having to pay a few thousand dollars like last year. (Our W2s were messed up because we changed them after getting married to deductions that make logical sense but are apparently not what they should be if you don’t want a massive surprise tax bill).
Any one have advice over balancing paying off student loans and not feeling guilty for not sending every dime that way? In my late 20s and my partner has 37k in loans (combined finances), I struggle with feeling ok about how I balance savings, loans / my tuition (about $5k a year), and just… having a bit of fun.
We talked about this a bit last week, and the general consensus was that fun needn’t be pricey, but that it’s also ok to set aside money for it because it’s part of taking proper care of your mental health. I have found since I started earmarking funds specifically for recreation, that I don’t feel as guilty because that’s what it’s for, if that makes sense?
My advice is to come up with a payment plan/goal (paid off in x number of years at $y per month), so that you assign a certain amount of money off to student loans and use the rest for whatever you like guilt free. Being out of debt is awesome, but you don’t need to make yourself miserable or risk having a emergency with no savings to fall back on to get there. Slow but steady wins the race.
We are ahead of the game this week, finally! All bill and credit card payments are on time, groceries are covered, and I started setting aside some money for recreation after last week’s meltdown, which means I can pick up a bottle of wine or some beer this evening, and may even get to have fancy brunch next weekend with a friend (pending her health weirdness, what is it with this year and bizarre health issues?). I want to emphasize again how powerful and helpful I’m finding Simple’s envelopes. Keeping me from “seeing” the money I have set aside for various things makes it SO much easier to keep to the budget.
Groceries are covered as well (see grocery/meal planning thread I started for details), and I think I can trim them down some after the tax refund, which I plan to use like $100 of to stock up on HUGE bags of rice and lentils and beans.
We ran the numbers on a balance transfer credit card for me, but the amount I could safely transfer would only be about $500 of my $4,000 credit card balance, which I don’t think is a good return on the amount of hassle and aggravation it would cause for me.
So, a good week!
I know exactly what you mean about the powerful feeling of being ahead of one’s bills. I’m practically high off of it. It’s February 19th and normally I would be panicking about now, because all my bills are due the 19th, 20th, 21st, 23rd, and 26th. But I just checked all my balances for this thread and I owe, to every credit card: $0.00, $0.00, $0.00, $0.00, $0.00. What a relief to see all those zeroes.
I mean that’s just the minimum payment, I still have the balances, but still. I’m not behind. It feels incredible. Simple is amazing.
I just got signed up for Simple based on all the comments in these threads. I’m so excited!
hahahahhahaksdjfhakjdfg I spent $80 at Primark two Saturdays ago, and then $80 at Walgreens the next weekend, I am banning myself from all stores ever again.
BUT I do think I can rescue it, as the Walgreens expenses were majority stuff I needed, and my weekly budget is like $50-70 on non-essentials, so as long as I stick to not spending this week, I should be back on track? ish? and I finally FINALLY got a paycheck for an actual two full weeks of work, so I do have a bit more wiggle room.
I got my tax return this week, plus a paycheck, so my income was like $930, and my expenses so far $230ish.
But, I’m looking at at least 3 weeks without employment in March. My current temp job is ending, and then 2 weeks later the bf and I are moving to DC, so no real time for another gig in there. I’ve got a DC temp company that I’ve had a Skype interview with, so hopefully they can set something up for end of March.
But with the move expenses and food expenses, and no income, I’m going to be making 0 progress on my CC debt in March. And, the next month, my student loans go back into repayment. sigh. I’m cautiously optimistic that I can make it through this by excessive frugality, but life just keeps knocking me down over and over again. I’m going to look into some writing/editing gigs online to see if I can even get a few hundred bucks during the next few weeks. Every little bit helps.
You can do this! Making zero progress is not negative progress, and in a month with no income, making zero progress is quite good: it means you planned ahead.
Keeping my fingers crossed for some temp work coming through for you!
I spent SO MUCH MONEY in the last two weeks, but I’m still okay. (Now 17.83 months from debt freedom!)
I go to a fiber retreat in Texas with my sister every year. She generally covers the retreat fees because I have to buy a plane ticket (and pay a dog sitter). But we ended up going out to eat a bunch, and I also bought some lovely spinning wool (which I totally don’t need because I have a huge stash, but I was there, and it was there, and I was supporting a small business….) Then oldest sister joined us, and then there was clothes shopping. Oldest sister used her excellent employee discount at the chain store where she works, so I got something like 7 pieces of clothing for $130, which is really a steal. Then I found a great wool houndstooth coat at a consignment shop (that magically fit my magnificent bosom!) and had to buy it for $70. My wardrobe is kind of a disaster, so I don’t really feel bad, but it was a lot all at once.
I came home to a bill from my dentist (emergency filling) and my highest electric bill ever ($150 for two months, which I realize is actually really cheap since it’s my only utility), plus the dog needs to go back to the vet for more tests. Sigh. But, I did math, and I’m still going to have a smidge of money in my checking at the end of the month, without having to dip into savings. Yay!
Tl:dr – Expensive month is okay since I’ve been frugal in other months. Still on track!
I love that you know this precisely how far you are from debt freedom. 17.83 months, give or take a decimal place.
Expensive month is okay! Those are good words.
I have a spreadsheet. One sheet is a cash flow for this month and the next. The other is debts and savings accounts, which I obsessively update every time a payment goes through. There’s a formula in there that adds up the total amount of debt remaining and divides it by the amount of money I currently have committed to debt payment.
I do it that way because my largest debt is a credit card I’m currently chucking $750 a month at. If I just consider that, I’m not done for 22 some-odd months. BUT, my car is almost paid off, as is my student loan (!), so if I redistribute what I’m paying on those to the credit card, the number of months comes right done.
(As a side note, it also means I can periodically do things like figure out what would happen if I applied all my savings to my debts, and the answer is that it only shaves off about 3.5 months, so it’s smarter to keep the savings for emergencies.)
It’s the most satisfying thing I have ever done. That’s freedom out there on the horizon, by dog.
Coats that actually have enough room for boobs are a solid investment. I may have bought my old winter coat based on Christina Hendricks’ association with the brand because I figured if she could button them up, maybe I could too….
My therapist’s receptionist called me and left a voicemail telling me that my therapist wondered if I would like to consider a plan for handling my debt to her. It was sizeable because my insurance changed and no longer covers her and I wanted to continue working with her (we’d been in process a good eight months already and I was having some High Stress Life Stuff right then) so we worked out a payment plan. So despite paying her $400 a month, I owe her almost $5000. I was shocked at the number, and felt really betrayed that she played this weird game of telephone via her receptionist. Like, you talk to me every week. Ask me before or after session maybe? We have actually talked about IN SESSION my extreme money anxiety and how hard things were when my career ended with health issues and the stretch I spent struggling to keep a roof over my head and going without meals, so I was really taken aback when her receptionist specifically said “______ would like to know how you want to handle your debt.” I was in crazed work-mode on a project that is kicking my ass and I am stressed to the max and hearing that voicemail basically made me want to hide under my bed. I can;t wrap my head around why I felt so betrayed and unsafe, but I did.
We’re in a better-enough spot that partner suggested we see about trading in my engagement ring for an upgrade (the band, which was supposed to be white gold, turns out to be plated. Poorly plated, at that. We were massively cheated. So he has been swearing up and down to do something about it, and it was going to be my birthday gift.) on a payment plan that we could handle. Now, that is absolutely not happening. I am really crushed. Not for the lack of an engagement ring that doesn’t slice my finger from where the plating flaked off, but because the momentary sense of, “we might be in control of this. We can make choices about things. We can have more than the necessities” is completely out the window. It’s a bad feeling.
And to top it off, I now feel like we cannot afford therapy anymore, and given that we just started digging up all my horrific sexual assault skeletons, that’s disappointing. I was hoping the time of being haunted by that would be ending, or at least better.
Ugh.
Meanwhile, partner has not received w2 or 1099 because the raging idiot who runs HR very poorly at the start-up where he was once an employee and it now a contractor has not bothered. This is the same moron who has forgotten to make sure the contracting company had money with which to pay him on multiple occasions and we sat around for days waiting for paychecks. The result being, I am on pins and needles wondering whether we held back enough to pay taxes or if we are royally screwed through our own poor planning and stressing about being able to find/afford an accountant to advice us on how to manage this better next year.
And my school loan got sold again, and I did not get any notice, and I completely failed to to note when my automatic payments stopped, and now I am being penalized. My loan somehow just increased by a third it’s own size through one change of hands and I am livid. Bad communication on their part, poor observation on my part, and now I am thousands more in debt when I had finally whittled it down to a number I could look at and see paying off in the real, live, almost-reachable future.
I do not have a great relationship with money. But I wish to graduate to Rihannaing in a pool with money floating down like a gentle rain of freedom and opportunity. That sounds pretty good.
You could try filing a complaint with the consumer finance protection bureau, that loan business sounds super shady!
Sorry you are going through all of this.
It might be worth filing a complaint with the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau about the shitty way your student loans have been handled. Their job is to ensure citizens aren’t cheated by the financial industry, and they’ve been paying special attention to student loans lately. Best case scenario, they scare your loan servicer into waiving the penalty. At the very least, you will provide one more data point for them to use when creating new regulations, so this shit can’t happen again in the future. Their website is consumerfinance[dot]gov.
CFPB *and* your state attorney general. Student loans are an important concern for a lot of AGs right now.
That would mess me up if my therapist did that. Jesus. I want to hide under my bed just reading about it. Do you feel strong enough to talk to your therapist about this? I don’t know if that’s the right answer tbh but oh man. I’m so sorry.
I’m so sorry about the therapist/money debacle. I had to break up with my therapist because my insurance changed, then she went into private practice and wasn’t on their plan anymore, etc. It was awful and she was awful about it, but I had told her that money was a giant problem for me (emotionally and practically).
I imagine it’s really hard to balance the benefit you are/were getting from therapy with the detriment of the financial disaster. Do what’s best for you right now. Toastie hugs.
I don’t know what the first image was, but I AM HERE FOR SOOTHING RIHANNA AND CASH.
I did my taxes last week and submitted them this week. Did you know that you can’t actually submit your taxes right at the beginning of the year? I had to *wait* until the 15th of Feb. That’s crazy. I have never been so on-the-ball ever.
I thought this year I would give myself extra time to get it all done because I have my first freelancing income (and write-offs and etc.) to account for. Turns out it was a snap.
So, I’m getting $4,700 back.
That was all deductions from my corporate job for the first eight months of the year. FIVE GRAND IN EIGHT MONTHS. When you have as much student debt as I do, you REALLY resent having that withheld from you when you could’ve paid it onto your debt or built up some meagre interest on it instead. Stupid corporate HR.
I’ve resolved, though, to put 2 grand in the Fuck Off Fund, 2 grand on the student loan, and whatever’s left toward travelling of some kind. Alternatively, I’m buying my mother a new(-to-her) stove, because hers is literally rusting through and probably a fire hazard.
Even without that, finances are great. I am getting rid of my one-bedroom in downtown Toronto and officially moving in with my partner, so that’s my rent halved, as well as his, which means higher student-loan payments and probably a kickass gaming/graphics-rendering desktop we’ll build together.
The exchange on my USD freelancing income was even better this month than the past few months, not that those $20-50 really matters, but it does make me feel great for some weird reason.
But that’s Beyoncé!!!!
Then why did it show up when I googled ‘Rihanna money gif’? Goddamnit, Google.
It’s far away enough that I cannot see her face and I do not know the video, so I will take your word for it and feel shame.
Toasties! I know this reply is late, but you will all be very proud of me. I did not spend my tax return on ANYTHING and I did not get a puppy! I bought a few odds and ends that I’ve needed for a while, but put the rest into savings. I now have over $600 in savings! I am on track and feeling good. Bills are all in the black, credit score is up, and I’m feeling like Rihanna(Beyonce?) in that gif right now.
I got back from a nice visit home and already I’m kind of sad I have to be back in reality. Ugh.
I’ve done literally nothing at work today :X except for make a pop punk work out mix? Probably would not be appreciated by my employer.
In other news, I saw The Witch last night! It was weird, creepy, and messed up! I really enjoyed it! If you have a Drafthouse near you, I recommend checking it out and then getting the goat cheese raspberry tart inspired by the movie, soooo good. Also it was kind of delightfully misandrist? Not the tart, the movie.
New band name: Misandrist Tarts.
I’m really hoping to see that in the next few days, so I’m both glad to hear that it was good and also to hear about the tart, because I do have a Drafthouse fairly near me but would probably not have thought to see it there otherwise.
My two great loves: Good creepy movies and things made with goat cheese.
It was so creepy that at one point a woman a few rows up from me got up (probably just to go to the bathroom) and I legit had a moment of panic where I thought the drafthouse decided to make the movie interactive and that she was playing the part of a witch to scare us :O
I hope you enjoy it and the tart! Let me know what you think!!
Ugh we were promised a Drafthouse in Brooklyn last summer and it never came! The closest one is in YONKERS.
Can you share a tracklist? I love pop punk.
Yes!!! I’d love to! It’s pretty basic, with some definite staples. Here’s the spotify playlist: https://play.spotify.com/user/1223217477/playlist…
I welcome any suggestions! 😀
I really want to see that movie, even knowing damn well it’ll scare the ever-loving shit out of me. Things that I can’t see but wish me harm are legit my worst fear.
Something surprising (but not wonderful) there was a leak in my building’s basement (that the mgmt did not think was impt to tell anyone about) on Tuesday and as a result my apt has no hot water (except for a brief reprieve on wednesday night) and the plumber is an hour late to fix the gas valve. I like working from home as much as the next person but if he doesn’t show today and i have to wait til next week to take a shower in my own bathroom I will be VERY grumpy.
Toasticles, I have such good and important life news. My partner is going to see his therapist next week about getting a referral to someone who can prescribe him antidepressants. He’s struggled with depression and anxiety for years but has resisted medication for a long time (cultural stigma, belief that he can will his way out of this, etc.). The risk is so small (maybe there are some side effects or he has to try a few before there’s one that’s right for him) and the reward is possibly SO BIG.
I don’t know if you think this would be helpful to tell him or not, but I was this very-resistant person and what finally resigned me to trying antidepressants was the assurance that I only had to use them as long as they were useful to me. That for some people, it’s like having a broken leg – the antidepressants are the cast you wear for however long it takes for your body to heal. Maybe your leg/brain is permanently damaged – this happens – and you’ll need support forever to help out with that, but maybe it is temporarily damaged and you are only hurting it more by walking around on a broken leg. Maybe the reason you haven’t healed is that you needed some outside support to allow the healing to happen.
You don’t know until you try, is the point. But it’s not necessarily a life sentence to being on antidepressants, unless you find that it is better for you to do that.
For what it’s worth, I myself just got prescribed antidepressants this week after years and years (and years!) of avoiding and trying to cope by myself. It’s still much too early to see if they are making a difference (and I’m sure I’ll have to try a few/ try different dosages), but I remain hopeful. Best of luck to you and your partner, and thanks to you for being a supportive partner. A big help for me was/is having a supportive partner, and a huge part of my motivation was that they’ve been so great, I didn’t want to disappoint/drag them into my depressive episodes anymore.
Hey gang! A cautionary tale for your Friday enjoyment: don’t rent from your employer.
I’m putting all the sordid/boring details in a reply so I don’t assault everybody’s eyeballs with a huge wall of text.
So, until very recently I worked for a company with a small office here in the US and the primary office/headquarters in Britain. My former office is located in a large house with a separate basement apartment (required by zoning laws, I believe). A little over three years ago, the tenants down there moved out and I moved in, escaping the World’s Shittiest Apartment where I’d been living. Everyone I worked with there was fabulous and even though it was kind of an unusual situation, I was sure it would be fine. And it was! The apartment was great, my landlord was my super nice coworker, I didn’t have to sign a lease or pay a security deposit, and everyone was very respectful of the separation between my work and my personal life. My rent even stayed the same (high-ish for my income, but affordable enough) for three years. WHAT COULD POSSILY GO WRONG????
Then, sometime around November of last year, I was informed that the owners over in the UK wanted to raise the rent. I’d been making noises about my low salary for a little while, so I was pissed, but I signed an agreement acknowledging that rent would go up $100 in March of 2016 and $100 again in September. Very soon after that I got a new job for a LOT more money and got the hell out of there, which was good timing because I was about to have a real hard time affording the apartment I was renting from my own employers (because they’re stingy assholes). There was no weirdness at all about me staying in the apartment, but they did ask if I could sign a lease, which I said was fine.
Fast forward to this week, when my landlord/former coworker finally emails me a copy of the lease (the bosses dragged their feet, it seems). In her email, she says that they have changed their minds about the rent and it will now go up $100 in March and $100 in June, instead of September as previously agreed. I’m already angry at this point, and THEN I start reading through the lease document. The rent info, the same as what was in the email, was outlined in clause 2. Allllllll the way down in clause 13, I find a little section (crammed in between, like, “don’t set the apartment on fire” and “we’ll fix stuff when it breaks”) saying that after the six-month lease ends, I can continue to live there on a month-to-month basis, BUT AT A RATE THIS IS ANOTHER $100 HIGHER.
To recap: we’ve now gone from $100 in March and $100 in September to…$100 in March, $100 in June, and $100 when the lease runs out in August (that no one ever mentioned). Meanwhile, the only thing that’s changed since I signed on to the initial round of increases is that I have quit my job. This is SHADY AS FUCK YOU GUYS.
I wrote like fourteen drafts of a reply to my landlord, finally settling on an extremely neutral response that essentially said, “I understand that I am an at-will tenant, but I’m confused why the rent schedule has changed from what we previously agreed and also why there is a third increase hidden in the lease that no one ever told me about.” I received a snotty reply back reminding me that I’m an at-will tenant (…yes, I am aware of that, thanks) and saying “this is a boilerplate lease that we give to all our tenants so don’t take it personally.” DON’T. TAKE. IT. PERSONALLY. No mention whatsoever of the deceptive clause I pointed out. (This is doubly distressing to me because it’s coming from someone I had an excellent working relationship with for nearly four years. I know she’s probably just covering her own ass, but it was condescending as fuck.)
So here I am. I haven’t responded to the second email yet and I have literally no idea what I’m going to do (besides call my mom and rant a lot and angrily listen to “No Children” by the Mountain Goats like a hundred times while pretending it’s about my old employers).
Don’t be like catoclock, kids: rent from fucking strangers.
I’m not sure where you are, but that sounds illegal from a lot of angles! Many cities or states have a limit on how much a landlord can raise your rent, HOW they can raise the rent, what can trigger a raise in rent, appropriate notice to rent increase etc. Also, if you didnt have a copy of the lease UNTIL the rent increases that it also an indication of illegal behavior.
I would reach out to a free legal clinic that focuses on landlord-tenant law, most law schools have them. Sometimes a strongly worded email with some legal jargon will get people to back down, or at least STOP ROBBING YOU.
Just +1ing the suggestion to contact a legal clinic. In my state, you can find all your rights as a renter (and almost all apply to at-will/month-to-month situations) on the attorney general website. The page about your rights links to all of the legal resources, many of whom you can send emails about the situation and they will advise you over email (which is great! I hate having to call people!).
So look into that maybe? I had a landlord just refuse to return my deposit, so I know about how helpful they can be from personal experience (do to their help I did get my complete deposit back plus $500 extra dollars for having to deal with the whole thing!)
Thanks! I’m in Mass. I have been reading up on tenants’ rights here, but as far as I can tell, at-will tenants are not afforded very many protections. I know some states have limits on how much you can raise rent in a year (20% seems common? What my landlords are proposing is roughly 30%), but Mass doesn’t seem to be one of them. I also feel weird about getting lawyers involved considering I worked with and for these people for years, but they’re also being so, so shitty about this. It’s really frustrating.
I’m sure you’re also doing this, but just in case – double-check that your city doesn’t have more stringent protections for tenants (for instance, in Washington state, the state law is “landlords have to follow these laws plus all laws in the county/city/etc. the dwelling is in.”
You are 100% on point to look out for yourself and ask for what is legal and fair. If someone is an ass to you or bullies you over it or makes it personal or implies that it is personal for you, they are outside the lines, and you must be especially careful to protect yourself.
Any chance you can find someplace new?
I am inherently distrustful of landlords – one bad experience will sour you on all of them forever. The best landlord I had only owned the one property, had a clear lease with no surprise rent increases, and never showed up at all except to pick up the check. Perfect.
Other landlords have included guy who would only accept cash or money orders (tax evasion?), another guy who frequently neglected to pay the water bill and would also offer discounts on the next month’s rent if I paid it early in cash, and the company that owned pretty much all the properties in my college town and is so universally despised that the owner won’t answer to his real name in public.
No terrible tenant is ever going to be as bad as the worst landlord.
Hopefully you can find a landlord like my best landlord and move out ASAP.
My first landlord was this weird stoner dude but on the other hand he was the only one I ever got a security deposit back from.
Now I wonder if we lived in the same college town, but probably not, it is likely that every college town has its own awful slumlord.
SAME! The slumlord of this college town died of a dramatic illness that could possibly be correlated with how polluted the city is, something I found very fitting, in that he never gave back to the city and maybe all the carcinogens in the air attacked him in the end.
i too lived in an apartment in a college town where everything was owned by the same awful slumlord
Was it King Properties by any chance?
“No terrible tenant is ever going to be as bad as the worst landlord.”
I dunno, I’ve never had a SWAT team take my landlord away…
The landlord in my college town left the hot water unfixed in a (pregnant!) tenants apartment for months during the freezing winter, then sued her for libel when she spoke to the newspaper about it.
The worst tenant deprives a landlord of money and property, which is bad, sure. But a bad landlord deprives a tenant of a safe and habitable place to live.
Bad tenants can also threaten other residents’ safety. I was afraid that the neighbor below me (the one who eventually got taken away) was going to hurt me in retaliation for reporting his domestic violence incidents. He claimed to have a gun, and was completely unstable. (Fortunately, I never saw him again after the police took him).
I also had another neighbor who was letting her boyfriend sell drugs there, and random strangers would come beat on my door and windows trying to get in, at all hours of the day and night.
But that’s bad neighbor territory, and would have been the same if they’d owned their apartment. My point was that tenants face worse consequences when they have bad landlords than landlords do with bad tenants. The relationship is inherently unequal.
“No terrible tenant is ever going to be as bad as the worst landlord.”
PREACH
After months of hemming and hawing, I finally went ahead and asked my crush for coffee! AND THEY SAID YES! Like not just yes but “awesome yay I can’t stop grinning” yes.
!!!
Downside: one of my best friends is being very weird and passive-aggressive about it. And so, yeah, that kinda sucks.
BUT WHO CARES WOOO A DATE!
CONGRATULATIONS! I hope the coffee date goes well. 🙂
Yay for exciting new dates with exciting people!!!!
YAYYYYYYY way to be brave! Your crush is crushing you back!
I swear, being able to ask people out is like having a superpower. At least, that’s how it felt to me after I did it the first time. Like, oh my gosh, if I think I like someone, I can take a definitive action that will either result in a date OR the secure knowledge that they aren’t interested! This is the best thing! I asked people out all over the place in the ~year or so between that first date and my now-husband asking me out, and the sensation of power never got old.
So impressed, well done!
I have had what I have determined is a stubborn variant of the common cold for what seems like forever but is probably only about two weeks but it is NOT GOING AWAY and I have had to take a lot of time off from work and I am usually barely awake for long and Julie Andrews (SHE IS A CAT) is upset because she wants to sit on my boobs and I keep coughing her off and I have to pass the baton on the Chicago Hamiltoasts event and and that is all.
Thank you for letting me rant.
And I bet Julie Andrews isn’t even fixing you soup or cleaning the house or doing ANYTHING to help. Cats!
Ugh, I’ve had a very similar cold, although I think I can see light at the end of the tunnel–I’m still (tmi) coughing up mucus and fighting a sore throat, but the being unable to speak/breather/climb stairs part has mostly passed.
Boooo, illnesses! Colds are such assholes, they really are.
My dad has invited me to learn to make cheese with him on Sunday! I’ve been wanting to do this for years and it’s super, super exciting.
What kind of cheese????!!!
Halloumi! He learned when he was visiting the family in Cyprus a few years ago, and I’ve wanted to learn ever since.
FUN! I’m made mozzarella which I assume is made in a similar way and it’s like magic!
During my most stressed out period of library school, I decided to drop out and make cheese for a living.
I did not drop out. I do not make cheese for a living. I am very happy with my lot.
But I am envious of you and your dad. 🙂
I have a friend who did that and it worked out really well for him and his business partners, but he was already a chef and knew people with the appropriate background so YMMV.
My mileage would definitely have varied. I don’t have the skills and connections. 🙂
Oooooooooooh! Neat! Do you know what kind of cheese you’ll be making?
That’s so COOL!
SO COOL. I want to learn how to make cheese. I have a feeling I could manage ricotta without much trouble, but like – homemade mozzarella. I want that to happen one day. I want to eat homemade mozzarella with CSA tomatoes and basil.
This is absolutely the easiest beginner cheese recipe I’ve come across. It isn’t really ricotta from a technical standpoint, but you can make it from stuff that you probably have in your fridge already (if you don’t have cheesecloth on hand, I’ve used layered paper towels successfully, and if you don’t have a thermometer you can eyeball it–you want the milk juuuust below a simmer). Plus, it is delicious.
I make a fair amount of paneer and now tofu (basically paneer made from soymilk, using different coagulants), and I’ve found that cheapo “flour sack” towels work just as well as cheesecloth.
I forgot to tell toasties about this last week, but I thought everyone would appreciate this story:
A man interrupted my first date with another lovely queer lady to ask us if the girl he liked seemed gay. (“Sorry to interrupt your date, it looks like it’s going well, but can you check out this girl’s instagram?”)
And then told us that seeing us on a date was scary because if we could be queer…anybody could be.
MEN.
Ugh. Men.
And then told us that seeing us on a date was scary because if we could be queer…anybody could be.
Just when I think I have grasped how much dudes will always make something about them, they UP THEIR GAME.
Oh my god.
This is so horrible I lol’d. NO STRANGE MAN also LMAO
The girl he liked was his manager (we got the whole story, unfortunately) and when the girl I was with abandoned me to powder her nose or something (an escape I envied), he tried to bond with me over how I was “getting lucky”.
IT JUST KEPT GETTING WORSE
NO
You know those queer people . . . lurking . . . they could be everywhere . . . just waiting to ride in on their robot unicorns and take over the world . . .
I, for one, welcome our new queer robot-unicorn-riding overlords.
What.
WHAT?
*channels Daveed Digg’s Jefferson* WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?
This was basically my reaction tot he end and I can’t stop mentally chuckling.
ANYONE CAN BE QUEER
ANYONEEEEEEEEEEE
it is incredible how differently i feel about the “is she or isn’t she?!” when it is coming from queer ladies vs. when it is coming from straight men
[i say this having examined many an instagram for queer qlues]
What. Ugh. #banmen
Jesus, god, men. Just knock it off before we make misandry an actual real thing instead of a joke.
Writing/otherwise creative activities thread?
Right, so I had a poem out this month in Apex Magazine and it’s finally up on their website and I’m kind of weirdly still freaking out about it? Like, if my little sad 13 year old self who wrote lots of depressing, awkwardly rhyming poems about loneliness could see me now, what would she even think?
Anyway it’s here: http://www.apex-magazine.com/arrhythmia/
What creative projects are you all working on? I’ve written like five sentences of fiction this entire week and it’s been like pulling teeth the whole damn time.
Congratulations! I had a poem out in the new Goblin Fruit that dropped this week so I am sharing your freakout: http://www.goblinfruit.net/2016/winter/poems/?poe…
I’m working on a couple short stories at the moment and one of them is going surprisingly well! Except it’s in second person, which is going to be a rough sell.
ooh that’s awesome 🙂
I am still working on my book! I am on chapter four and just over 8k words in. (This is less impressive when you learn that I’ve been working on it since last August or so.) It’s going pretty well so far, there are definitely spots where I’m like, “well that isn’t going to make it past the first draft,” but I’m okay with some parts being crap. That’s what first drafts are for.
Don’t be too dismayed about the length of time you’ve been working on it. My book, that I am still not finished with and is about to undergo yet another change in the direction of the story, is now hitting the five-year mark. 2016 goal: finally finish this g-d m-effing son of a beestinging thing.
You can do eeet!
Mine’s even older than that. . .let’s say if it were a person it could be starting middle school. Big block about the end, utter burnout, getting really demoralizing feedback.
Everyone works at their own pace, so don’t stress about it! And first drafts *are* crap, pretty universally. One of the things I’m struggling with now is “wait…so how do I get from the shitty draft to a good one?” part of things.
Congratulations!! I have two stories I’m trying to submit to the SF/F markets, but no dice yet. I also have two novels, two short stories and ideas for a couple of novellas brewing. The trouble with having so many projects is that it makes it hard to finish one, but if I burn out on one idea, I can work on the other stuff.
Also, I’m learning to draw and make music too.
I’m the same way, I tend to bounce around projects until I hit my stride with something. It can be pretty annoying and I’m *trying* to be more disciplined, but not much success yet.
I’ve been trying to do the RPM Challenge (Like NaNoWri Month but for writing and recording an album) but I’ve fallen super behind. I had a burst of creative energy last night though and did some work and I’m hoping I can ride that inspiration train all through the weekend so I have a prayer of finishing by the end of the month. I’ll be disappointed if I fail because I did it last year and it was really satisfying to finish.
That sounds like a really cool challenge.
It is! The actual challenge doesn’t stipulate that all of the songs have to be written in the month so a lot of people focus most on the recording aspect but since I don’t have much by way of recording resources/know-how I like to think of it more as a songwriting challenge. I’ve done it twice and it’s been pretty intense both times but it’s been so helpful in getting me to actually write songs when I’ve been in a slump and also to expand my writing horizons (because when you’re writing 10 songs in a month it becomes pretty obvious if they’re all exactly the same style).
Congratulations! I’m going through a serious dry spell re: writing (although I had a revelation about format/style the other day that I think might be pointing toward a way out) but I’ve been painting and learning how to draw and it’s delightful. So much less pressure! I started an artist’s journal and have been having so much fun cutting up all those old calendars I knew I was saving for some reason.
That is a truly beautiful poem, and it speaks to me in very familiar and slightly scary ways. I wasn’t prepared for this and need to go hug someone now.
oh, thank you so much and also I’m sorry? I can offer an internet hug at least.
Oh, no no, don’t be sorry, that’s what we need art for, from time to time. But I’ll have that hug anyway. The cat was not very enthusiastic.
I really love it!
After two years of barely writing fiction, I’m finally inspired again. It’s a very pulpy idea, but I think it could turn out fun.
pulp is good!
Congrats! Apex was my first poetry sale too.
I’ve been trying to get in there with fiction for years. I was utterly gobsmacked that they liked my stupid little poem thing.
I don’t want to be That Person, but behind the scenes at Apex has,per the scuttlebutt, been kind of a mess the past couple of years and is only now smoothing out after some editorial changes. And they bought your poem, yay!
I’m trying to move the many filed of my novel into Scrivener in hopes it will actually make me see what I have, and make me feel more like it’s a book and not a series of nerdy vignettes. I have a kind of YA short story I’d like to submit a couple places, but am not sure about the end.
I’m wondering if it’s totally ridiculous to start using my Twitter account now, when everyone is all “ack death throes” and if not, how to begin. Have a couple of blog ideas, but skittish about committing.
Thank you for reminding me that I need to check into Scrivener. I keep meaning to do it,
Twitter has always been kind of a mess to me, and I don’t like the proposed changes, but I have found that it’s helped me a lot on the submissions side of things- by following people and publications I like, I’ve found out about a lot of open calls that I never would have heard of otherwise.
Congratulations, that’s so exciting!
I’m in a really great nonfiction creative writing class at my university and my prof is so good at seeing and drawing out potential in people’s work. I just watch in awe every week as he takes a badly-written, not-very-interesting piece and talks the author through it. It makes me look forward to class so much! Also I’m actually being motivated to get writing done, which is Great.
OOOO CONGRATS TO EVERYONE! I am (slowly) working on musical compositions and performances to record into an….”album?” to give to my partner for Christmas this year :> Aside from something he would appreciate, it’s also a nice kick in my ass to return to projects that kind of stalled out when I left music school.
That’s so awesome! Congrats! I love that toasties are awesome creatives!!
Congratulations! The poem is lovely!
I’m stalling on writing even as we speak…bouncing around between multiple ideas in progress, letting myself worldbuild eternally without ever actually sitting down to write things out, the usual. But I have been having good ideas lately, which is good, at least.
Your poem is excellent & makes me feel a pang in my own heart. Congratulations, and thank you for sharing!
lovely work!! congrats on publishment!
Toastttiiieeesssss!!!!!!! My current position has been pretty uninspiring and not a great fit, but I work for an awesome national organization that has an opening for a job that would grow/hone my current skills AND provide some bombass professional development! I got encouragement from the hiring manager to apply (!!!), and just got the blessing from my current manager and I am SO EXCITED. MUCH COOL. VERY WOW.
Also I’m going on vacation next week! To New Orleans! Sun will see my legs before June!
Prepare yourself. It got really warm down here all of a sudden! Have fun in our fair city!
I’m so excited! It’s freezing where I live.
Hope you enjoy your trip here.
I’m pregnant!
And everything is so weird and crazy-making. Everyone says to not tell anyone until the second trimester. But my social interactions have all been going about like this:
Them: Would you like some wine?
Me: No thanks, just water please
Them: Are you pregnant?
Me: ::secretive smile::
So, everyone is gonna know soon. But for all that I drank a lot socially, I’m pleasantly surprised by how easy it has been to just go cold-turkey on the alcohol. Even when my husband wanted to try out a new brew-pub or when I spent a weekend in a rented house with friends. Or tonight when we’re taking my mother-in-law out for dinner for her birthday and she will inevitably figure it out as well. Tuna melts are going to be much harder to give up.
And it’s weird, because almost every woman in my family miscarried their first pregnancy, so I’m half expecting I will, too. But I would probably also tell all of these people if I miscarry, because they’re my support network. Why would i just cut that off when I need it?
I’m also the first of my friends to get pregnant or try to get pregnant, so I don’t really have anyone my age to talk to about all the weirdness. If anyone wants to talk about weird early-pregnancy stories, I am here for it.
OMG CONGRATS CONGRATS CONGRATS CONGRATS!!!!!!!!
Know that whatever happens, we’re here as your support networks as well.
<3
Is it normal for people to immediately assume “pregnant” when one turns down alcohol? O_o
Yup.
…Huh. Once more affirming that the crowd I associate with is not normal at all.
Yes.
It certainly was for me. I pretty much always have a glass of wine or beer with dinner, especially when I’m with friends/family. Turning it down is a significant deviation from my norm and everyone’s noticing. I’m not even attending a couple of upcoming work functions because I worry that it will be too obvious.
I carried around wine glasses and abandoned them in odd places and then would get fresh ones without ever drinking a thing. I really, really didn’t want my work to know for a while. I am totally on board for having a network in case of a miscarriage (been there, was very grateful for the support), but didn’t want work to know because they were the opposite of a support.
If you’re married and in the first half your 30s … yes. Definitely.
Yes. Or if you say you don’t feel well… or you leave class/church service to use the washroom they assume you have morning sickness. I’ve been married for six months and it’s getting a little old that I feel my every move is being analysed by friends/family. :/
I tend to get nausea easily, and in my mid-20’s learned to just not tell people, especially coworkers, because they always immediately asked if I was pregnant.
I am not pregnant, but I have always chafed at that “don’t tell anyone until the 2nd semester” advice. I will probably not tell casual acquaintances and, like, most work friends, but I am very open book person, don’t like/do secrets (of my own) very well, and REALLY don’t like suffering alone.
And I feel like it’s weird advice. Like, there are about 30 people in my life from whom I would appreciate sympathy and love if I had a traumatic event, like a miscarriage. But a miscarriage you should deal with only in private? I will almost definitely tell many people.
Anyway, CONGRATS! That’s very exciting.
It is so weird, and it mostly just helps keep everyone ignorant. Like, talk to your doctor and research stuff online, sure, but I also want to be able to talk about this stuff with more than just my husband. And I know not everyone is as excited as I am and no one wants to hear about it all the time, but there is surely a balance that’s not just total secrecy
I’m seven weeks- we will probably tell family soon/ this weekend, but I am holding off telling people who might feel the need to suggest/ enforce restrictions in my activity beyond what my doctor has suggested for as long as seems practical. But I have gotten lucky so far on the nausea & tiredness front, so it has been fairly straight forward to pick and choose.
Congratulations! I really appreciated Rebecca Schuman’s take on talking about her miscarriage: http://pankisseskafka.com/2014/01/23/un-pro-tip-n…
Thanks for sharing, that was great and makes me feel better about my big mouth
You’re welcome!
In my first pregnancy, I waited until the 11th week before I told people. Then I couldn’t keep it to myself anymore. I had a miscarriage the 12th week and had to untell everyone, which meant rehashing grief more than I would have liked. The problem was not the people my husband and I had told ourselves: it was all the other people they had told. On one hand we did have a lot of encouraging stories and sympathy, but on the other hand, we had a lot of confused acquaintances for a while. I think talking about miscarriage is very important, but maybe not right at the moment you have one and not to everyone in your respective offices. The reason to keep it quiet for a while is so that you can control the information. And by keep it quiet, I just mean tell the people who you want to know, and swear them to secrecy. Also through my experience, I learned that my husband had some strong and previously unknown feelings about miscarriage/fertility/pregnancy; it is good to get your partner’s perspective on when to tell and why.
Yeah, that’s actually been a weird balancing act, too. My husband is somewhat hesitant to tell his mom because she really can’t keep a secret. Everyone else we know is good about not spreading information and won’t say anything until we post on Facebook. But she’s going to immediately inform her entire extended family, possibly even if we ask her not to. Then again, I’m awful at secrets. We’re going to see how dinner goes tonight.
Condolences on your miscarriage. And I’m sorry it happened so soon after you told everyone.
Thanks! And super congratulations to you!
Yes.
We told some people, and I did miscarry, and I was so very glad they had known.
same
Idk, in my case it was good advice. My parents still don’t know I had a miscarriage; they are super pro-life and would have screamed at me and accused me of having an abortion and pretending that it was a miscarriage if they had known. In short, they would have been absolutely horrible. My inlaws would have been differently horrible, and I’m glad I didn’t tell them either.
I think that people in general don’t know how to react when someone says they’ve had a miscarriage and tend to err on the side of horrible. I would definitely second this advice to anyone who’s pregnant-don’t tell people until your chances of miscarrying drop. Unless, I guess, you’re one of those semi-mythical people who have nothing but kind people in their social/familiar circles.
No stories or weirdness, just congratulations to you and your husband!
thanks!
Okay, so my friend wrote about this very thing (that is, talking about pregnancy early on) and maybe it will help.
Yes! This is all exactly how I feel. Everything right now is such a mystery and more knowledge can only be good. I had to explain miscarriages to my husband last night – like how can you tell and what do you do – and I was a little mad that this wasn’t information he already had.
Congratulations! I am also pregnant, and also the first of my (local) friends to do this, and I spent the entire first trimester bitching about how NO ONE WARNED ME HOW MUCH THIS SUCKS. I mean, it was fine. I am having an objectively easy pregnancy. In which a parasite shoves my internal organs around and makes me constantly dehydrated. Yay?
My weird early-pregnancy story involves suddenly not wanting to eat chocolate (which I usually ate EVERY DAY) for the entire first trimester. I wasn’t repulsed by it, I just…didn’t want any chocolate. It was very weird. For me.
Things haven’t sucked too much for me yet, but I did start feeling weird on the metro in to work this morning and I couldn’t tell if it was the first instance of morning sickness or if I was overheating because of coat + heater or if I was just imagining the whole thing because I’m starting to obsess about the fact that I haven’t had any morning sickness yet. My lack of symptoms is starting to get to me.
I’d be sad if I wasn’t in the mood for chocolate anymore, especially since I just got a bunch of it for Valentine’s Day.
Congratulations!
Don’t worry too much about the when to announce thing. I agonized over it too, because people make SUCH a big deal about keeping it hush hush for a while — but at a certain point, it’s just harder keeping it a secret, and it impacts your day to day experiences.
This isn’t super weird, but kinda — my cycles were apparently way off, so on my first midwife visit, the typical first-day-of-last-period math had me at nine weeks, and then we had an ultrasound the next week (supposedly ten) and found out the baby measured six weeks instead — so that was weird. Not bad, just weird to go from thinking I was almost done with the first trimester to jumping back to the middle of it!! And that was another reason it was so hard about announcing — I wanted to wait longer and further into the pregnancy, but then POOF, I was earlier along than before! We ended up sharing at eight weeks just because working and not having anyone know was TOO HARD.
Best wishes for a safe and healthy pregnancy!!!
Congrats!
I’m about a month away from having my second kid, but between then and now had 3 early miscarriages. I did tell people each time, but only people that I knew could keep secrets and that I wouldn’t mind telling myself if things went wrong. Thats really the biggest distinction you need to make for yourself. Things did go wrong, and I was so glad to have people to talk to. Even in the two pregnancies that worked out, so far, being able to go over my fears with people I trusted was invaluable. It wasn’t just me that needed it either, my husband really needed to talk it over with his family and a few trusted friends too.
The other thing is that if something does go wrong you can have a designated person to handle all the telling for you. Like, I told my mom and my husband told his each time I miscarried and they took care of telling everyone else so we didn’t have to. Another bonus? One of the miscarriages involved a day long hospital visit and it helped so much to have a little extra support for me and my husband that day.
It’s obviously up to you but it sounds like you were leaning in the direction of telling some people anyway and I thought I’d chime in with the good bits of telling.
I have no tips on telling early (I waited for-ever, mostly because I wanted to tell my parents in person and after I had a clear CVS, b/c I’m old), BUT you don’t have to give up tuna melts completely!! I think the recommendation is switch to light instead of white tuna, to lower the mercury. Or, this is my trick– make the tuna salad part with sardines instead. Oily fishes: most excellent for baby brains.
ahhh congrats!
Toasts, how mentally “unwell” do you have to feel to call in sick at work? Sometimes it’s difficult to tell if my brain funk is severe enough to stay home, or if I should just power through and do the best I can. (And brain weasels are not exactly an infectious disease.) I have a decent amount of sick leave and good employers, which helps.
If your brain weasels are interfering with your ability to do good work at an approximately equivalent way that a nasty chest cold would, take the day off.
My own personal test is: Does the thought of going to work today make me want to lie in a puddle on the floor and cry? Now I’m not sure this is the best test, because it is a little bit severe (I also do not have a lot of sick days so I have to use them sparingly). But in general, if I sit and think to myself, and realize I really, really can’t bear the thought of going to work that day, that’s a good sign I need a mental health day.
Two of the questions I ask myself:
Will taking a day off help me breathe, get back on my feet, and be more productive after?
Will the stress of being out overwhelm the benefits of being out?
I use my workday to-do list as a test- are there semi-mindless admin-ish things I can do? Or do I have to hardcore focus and (worse) interact with people?
If I have been 1) crying, 2) having significant sleep disturbances above my usual level, 3) think I’m likely to burst into tears again, I stay home.
If I’m just kinda zoned out or spacey, I try to power through it.
If you have sick leave and employers who won’t pitch a fit…do it. It’s totally worth it (for me, anyway) to take the one day and deal with a little bit of guilt over it versus not taking the day and powering through, which usually means I’m miserable for weeks.
Yes to this! If you have enough sick time that you won’t worry about running out because of this then do it. You’re legally entitled to the time off and you don’t have to pass any kind of test to prove you’re worthy. I know it’s easier said than done because I always feel guilty taking mental health days, but everybody does it! Take care of yourself!
THIS ONE. I had ample sick time at my old job, or I just “work from home” which is basically me in my pajamas watching TV & keeping up on emails, or doing editorial stuff in bed with NO emails. Sick days are for when I can’t think–if I can think but feel like person-soup, I will attempt to do work at home. If you have the time & it won’t set you back & your employer won’t be in knots about it, just do it guilt free. I have no “how bad is too bad” because for me, trying to power through is the worst and sets me back so much more than just taking a day (or even the morning off). Or, sometimes I’ll promise myself a Friday, if say, I can’t take it when I want it on Wednesday. That can be good motivation. Give yourself permission.
I have had my days of dealing with extreme anxiety at work. Luckily those days are past, but now I would stay home rather than go through that again.
Hmm… whatever the threshold is, it MUST be lower than “talking to people makes me either A) cry B) rage” (which is something I don’t realize until it happens, and then too late to get a fill-in receptionist!) so I hope you can determine something you’re comfortable with and support yourself to feeling better.
An important consideration is whether it interfered with your sleep the night before. If you got three hours because you were busy staring at the wall catastrophizing, it’s not really much different from having been up most of the night because you had severe leg cramps or something. Your performance at work will suffer a lot, and sleep will help you feel better.
If you’ve got the leave and good employers, I’d say if you’re considering staying home, take a day and stay home.
Is it weird that I’m just jealous that you can take sick time?
When I was a mail carrier part of the reason they supposedly fired me was “absenteeism.” In my 90-day probation I called in sick once. Because my mom was in the hospital. And that was after almost a year and a half of working six-day weeks as an entry-level carrier, where the two times I called in sick I had to get a doctor’s note. (Thankfully the union made them pay me back for the appointments.)
Wow that’s super duper bullshit.
Thank you all so much for the lovely advice and support on my breast reduction question last week, Toasties, it really helped. I am now officially on the wait list!
Follow up question, though, I feel like after having talked out my desire for this surgery, and why I want it, I am more self-conscious about my chest then ever. Like so so so uncomfortable. I am running out of work appropriate tunics and slouching. I’m going to call my eap and try to find someone to talk to, but anyone else have any ideas on how to make it to my surgery date?
Cowlnecks and scarves? They helped me when I was trying to get used to going up a cup size, so not nearly the same magnitude… but at least when looking down or in a mirror there’s something other than BOOBS.
can you see it as giving your boobs one last night (or however long until your surgery) on the town? Like alright girls here we go! say farewell world! maybe dress them up maybe not, but they can’t help being who they are, give them a good death is what I’m saying.
Or maybe like they are your nemesis and you have an evil plan and you don’t want them to guess it, so you have to act like nothing is wrong.
I just had a BR 9 months ago. Once I finally had the consultation with the surgeon, I suddenly thought about them all the time and became more self-conscious. I had about 4 months between consult and surgery date. I didn’t want anyone at work to know about the surgery (my team is 4 middle aged men). So I got some bag-like tops from Target in hopes to camouflage the curves. After surgery I continued wearing those tops even though they had suddenly become ridiculous. Over the course of a month I transitioned to more fitted tops. My manager insisted that I must be really hitting the gym and asked for my secret. I told him I stopped drinking :). As far as I can tell, no one ever figured it out, or if they did they never mentioned it.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER.
THIS WILL BE THE BEST THING EVER.
Whatever you decide to do, remember: the only people who will guess “breast reduction ” are people who have had one. I did NOTHING to camouflage the situation, wore the same clothes before and after, and everyone just thought I lost weight.
I definitely thought the bartender was eating cookie crisps. Now I really want some sugary cereal…
What IS the bartender eating? I can’t tell from either the description or the picture. Am I dense?
I don’t know either, but I love poppy seeds, sugar, and dough so I want it.
Looks like it could be Slivkové Knedle (Slovak plum dumplings) although maybe not! Here are a couple of recipes:
http://www.slovakcooking.com/2009/recipes/plum-du… http://worldrecipes.expo2015.org/en/recipe-plum_d…
My coworker told me this morning that swearing in emails is illegal. I said it was not,and she said “I’m sure! I heard someone went to jail for swearing in an email!”
I don’t even know what to say in the face of gross stupidity.
Just counting down to hearing where we will move next and then I can start trying to sell our house and job hunt in earnest. And be out of this hell hole job.
I just…don’t understand when people don’t have the instinct to fact-check themselves even a little? Argggghhhhh. Good luck job hunting!
I fact check myself all the time! Google is a thing! (granted, so are wikipedia holes that eat up large parts of your day, but whatever…)
Every time you share something this coworker has said, I’m worried I’ll damage my neck from how far I have to do a head tilt trying to understand her lack of brain workings. I really hope that you can get out of there soon!
This is a different coworker! She’s clueless in a different way.
My husband is expecting a posting message within the next month so hopefully I’m only a few months away from being able to quit!
SUBJ–> re: email jail
Plspassthepinot says fuck off. From a government computer.
Maybe she heard this about some other form of media? It is legit illegal to swear over a CB radio, for example, although I doubt imprisonment is a typical sentence for the crime.
Sorry, I’m not trying to excuse your coworkers, whose ridiculous conversations are the joy of many an OT! But I just feel so curious as to how this misapprehension came about.
I used to work with someone who claimed that a) if you use a certain combination of words in a phone call (along the lines of “bomb”, “attack” and so on), the emergency services will be dispatched, and b) if you’re mugged and forced to withdraw money from your bank account at gunpoint, just put the PIN in backwards and it’ll alert the police. (“But what if your PIN is the same forwards and backwards?”) It was tiring.
~Friday, Friday, everybody’s looking forward to the weekend~
So today a friend of mine invited us over to his house for sauna! I was at the university when he suggested it, but it’s not a problem that I didn’t magically intuit to bring a bathing suit to school this morning, because the usual dress code is to wear a towel or nothing. And him being a guy also doesn’t matter, because in my friend group, platonic mixed-gender nudity is normal. But first, I’m meeting up with my gf at the government’s monopoly liquor store to pick up some beer. #scandinavia
What are you doing tonight, Toasties? Have you been a stereotype today?
Well, I waited way too long at a car-less street because of a red traffic light. Other than that, no particular German-ness today…
This amused me so much on a shitty day that I made an account to say so–thank you!
–An American who routinely got scolded in Erfurt for crossing on red
It’s just so silly, I don’t even know why I stood there that long. Culture. It’s a thing, apparently…
I millennialed by calling in late to work because I was LE TIRED.
I haven’t been a stereotype myself today, I don’t think, but less than an hour ago I walked past the campus of an American college with a Scottish name and saw a student wearing a kilt. Dress shoes and folded-over knee-high socks and everything. (I bet he’s in their pipe band.)
You bet your ass I have! I cancelled plans (ahh, the sweet, sweet smell of newly-vacant schedules) and did yoga, bought an overpriced hair accessory, and came home to spend fri eve by myself #spinsterfabulous
spinster stereotype best stereotype
ok i know i’m days late, but I had to add: I’m Canadian, and I bought a pair of hockey skates on friday.
February survival thread. I’m taking baths, avoiding difficult things, watching good TV, and counting the days until spring.
I’m eating more chocolate and sugar than perhaps I should and I’m gonna kinda lie to the nutritionist about it next week when I talk with her.
Fireplace, sleeping as much as possible
Those + hot water bottles are exactly the things I’m doing.
February is for getting through. I’m doing the exact same things- prioritizing self-care and ignoring the outside world. And it’s working, I feel really good compared to how I usually feel at this time of year. It’s making me really optimistic about spring!
I’m down to reading basically two websites — The Toast, and Shakesville, because I cannot even with unmoderated spaces right now. I’m also only checking Facebook from my phone, which makes it easier to NOT ENGAGE with dildobrains.
How does that help? I only ask because I MOSTLY go on FB on my phone, and I really, really need to stop engaging. My most recent battle was whether or not liberals hated homeless people (acquaintance insisted they did, and I was not permitted to weigh in because I have never served in the military).
For me, typing on my phone is a LOT harder and less efficient than my very quick typing on the laptop or desktop, and I have to go back and fix autocorrect issues all the damn time (my autocorrect has gone insane). Also, it’s a lot harder for me to switch back and forth from Facebook to an internet browser to find links and quotes to backup my arguments with, which usually means I just give up before even getting into it.
Oh also, I have who I actually see and who sees my posts really, really limited so that’s always good 🙂
Hm. That’s smart. Maybe I need to do some … pruning, I guess. But then what would I do with all this impotent rage?
maybe join a hockey league?
This is my life right now. You are brilliant and smart and I wish I were as smart as you.
I pared down my tumblr follows and actually haven’t been on in over a week. I miss some of it, but I think overall it’s good. Maybe in a couple more weeks I’ll decide that I want to spend an hour in the weekends checking in, or maybe I won’t!
I’m eating more pizza than is sensible or right.
oooh me too! my take-out ratio has skyrocketed this past month!
Running. Hot baths. Running more.
Yoga and a complete abandonment of pressure to produce art. Which, paradoxically, results in me making more art. I’ll take it.
Buying tulips and other spring flowers to keep in the house, trying like hell to keep up with the boring self-care, reading wayyyyy too much fanfic.
as much solitude as possible. i spent what energy i had tidying up my house a bit, and now it’s a peaceful wonderland and i have given myself permission to never leave unless i really want to.
This. I can be really lazy and a super slob and I typically view it as a privilege of living alone, but I realized recently that I’m playing a mean trick on myself — when my house is messy, being inside it makes me feel like a gross, lonely, antisocial troll, but when it’s clean, it’s gloriously restful.
Loving all the self-care ideas in this thread.
I decided to leave this weekend completely unscheduled and only consider offers for social engagements as they arise, which is a challenge for me as a planner. I will probably still go out but that’s the best I can do.
Other self-care I’ve been engaged in is face masques and weed showers, both great.
Is that…. smoking and then taking a shower?
Glad you asked! It can be, but now that I’m living alone it literally means hotboxing the shower. I like to put some music on my portable speaker, pack a bowl, and take a long ass luxurious shower. It’s wonderful. http://themuse.jezebel.com/a-self-care-playlist-f…
Wow just formulated my weekend plans, thank you a million for the best idea anyone’s ever had.
Going to bed early on new bedding, drinking tequila instead of whiskey at night and hot lemon water instead of coffee in the morning, tulips on the table, making an effort with hair/makeup/clothes even when I don’t want to, getting stoned with my weird upstairs neighbors a lot (social interaction without leaving the building!), emotionally inspired Spotify playlists, ignoring election coverage, quiet brooding.
Why tequila over whiskey? Summery associations over wintry associations?
A little bit (I usually mix it with fancy grapefruit soda), but mostly because tequila is not a depressant. I love whiskey but it leads to tears when mixed with winter blues.
So this is long.
in an effort to celebrate the parts of the year we feel strongly about, we have settled on some (Winter Solstice has become Curse the Darkness and Light Candles at the Sunwheel, Pi(e) Day is Pi(e) Day) we had decided to celebrate the thermal minimum of our area – the moment the temperature is coldest and then starts warming up. Which there is a map for, and for us it happens right around the end of January. Which Red Kate has pointed out is not Actually the Apex of Apathy, that would be Valentine’s Day. An Mr. Corvid pointed out that the rest of February is also grim (your point, I WILL reach it) and clearly we need some pagan/invented reason to be grumpy during February and cheer ourselves up in whatever way is viable.
So we have been desserting regularly – whatever you need for sugar, fat and pleasure on a regular basis, turning up the heat when necessary, and some fair about of whatever we can find to make us laugh. This is applied as necessary until Pi(e) Day, March 14, when we will binge on pie, make hilarious jokes about math and philosophy, and walk around in the lengthening daylight outside. We have, in fact, been treating it as a kind of reverse Lent.
tl;dr – pie, cake, and kids on my lap with books (you could substitute cats or dogs, or something/someone that is warm and loves you)
I realized this week that I have apparently lost two things that are pretty valuable to me- a pair of earrings my step grandma gave me for college graduation which were very pretty and probably pretty expensive, and a lipstick I bought with my best friend at the Sephora on the Champs Elysees which had a lot of sentimental value and isn’t sold anymore, so I can’t buy it again. I’m really confused about what happened to the earrings, since they were just sitting on my dresser until they weren’t, but I’m kind of generally distressed about both things walking away from me!! I hope they turn up next time I do a deep clean/uncluttering but it’s such a weird and frustrating feeling to lose something within your apartment and have no idea where it is. Blergh.
I can’t offer any help except I know that feeling and it suuuuucks. I once lost my laptop battery (how?? I don’t even know) but I found it YEARS later so don’t give up! If you can’t find it when you do your next deep cleaning it might still be around.
That’s very encouraging, thank you! I hope I find them before I move out in the near-ish future but if I don’t the next tenant will get some free Glamour.
Do you have a cat? It’s possible they got knocked behind the dresser.
Hope you find them soon!
No, no cats. My secret fear/suspicion is that I forgot what box they were in and tossed it in the trash absentmindedly :0 I don’t know why I would do that, but if I did, YIKES.
No, they would have given a little rattle as you tossed the box and you would have noticed! Don’t fret, I always think I threw things away when I didn’t. Have you taken the drawers out? I once lost several things of importance that somehow got BEHIND the drawers inside the dresser.
Ooh, I’ll check behind the drawers, that’s a great idea!
hi hi hi hi your username is delightful
Yours TOO my new friend
Also Fort Collins more like Fort Colons am I RIGHT because of the colonoscopy you know. I missed my chance last time to point that out.
HELL YEAH <3
I once found my driver’s license, debit card, every piece of jewelry I’d lost that year, and eighty dollars while packing for a move, so you never know!
I bet that made your day!
I’m 99% sure I accidentally threw away my passport. Ugggggh.
Has anyone tried Betabrand trousers?
I’m a runner and my thighs are making it hard to find pants that fit.
I have the Betabrand bike to work pants. They are pretty roomy in the thigh area. I sized up as recommended.
I’m fairly certain I have a runner friend who loves Betabrand. HELLO THAT IS SUPER HELPFUL.
This is not really an answer but as a lady with some thighs, I’ve had remarkable success with pants from Express. Yes, that Express. There’s a cut of trousers (“Editor”) that has just the right amount of fullness and stretch but don’t reveal every crease and curve AND they’re machine washable!
I just ordered some of their dress pant yoga pants…if I remember I’ll update you when I try them on!
I thought about shelling out, until I realized the POCKETS ARE FAKE.
My actual yoga pants have pockets. Why do these not have pockets.
So I bought some very similar pants from Athleta on clearance instead. They have pockets.
Link? I’d love to see a comparable product. I need dress pants that have a stretchy waist, since my waist is no longer as waist-like as it used to be pre-baby.
So does anyone know anything about this new app that “helps employees make better healthcare decisions”?
It’s by Castlight Health and it is supposed to track health information and then offer suggestions for what employees should do. It’s a win-win, helping the employee get the healthcare they need and saving the employer money. Nothing but upsides here. Right?… Right?
“In one example, the app tracks female employees who have stopped filling their birth control prescriptions, and then matches that information with a woman’s age. The app then sends them messages about how to find an OB/GYN to help them with prenatal care.”
http://www.cbsnews.com/news/the-big-data-app-that…
Agh. As a woman of a certain age who recently stopped filling her birth control subscription, it was because I was crying all the time and never wanted to have sex, and I wanted to see if there was maybe a hormonal reason for that. (Bonus: I decided to stop drinking for a bit.) Whyyyyy must everyone assume everything in my life is about babies? Most things in my life are about me!
Also – it’s totally not a bad idea to have healthcare linked to employers, it never gets invasive or has unfortunate consequences for employees, nope.
“Castlight” is nearly indistinguishable from “gaslight” in most accents, so at least it’s nice the company is open about being creepy.
NOPE
I was horrified to discover that my employer’s WebMD portal had a record of my misoprostol script from my first miscarriage. The fuckery of corporate wellness initiatives is unending.
My company offers $300 if you get a doctor to fax in a form that says you have a “healthy” BMI and blood pressure. I had mixed feelings (wanting money vs. for real, office? this is health? also… privacy?) but I decided the choice that would bring me the most joy was to have my oncologist fax it.
What a delicious undermining of nonsense “health” standards, and also congratulations on the free money!
I wonder if one could have an herbologist complete the form and fax it in? That might be joyful.
And how much do you wanna bet that every single “health” suggestion for anyone whose BMI is even .5 above “normal” will be “lose weight! lose weight! if you don’t lose weight, you’re a burden on your coworkers and society and should be financially punished, because that will help you lose weight!”
Lord have mercy.
I scream internally every time I hear about it.
Anybody have tourist recommendations for NYC? I know this question gets posed often but for the life of me I can’t find it in a past thread. I’ll be in town March 4-7 (seeing Hamilton on the 6th!) We’re staying in Midtown and so far have reservations for a fancy restaurant (Aureole) for the night of Hamilton and loose plans to go to his house and see his grave. I would love to hear your favorite things to do and see (and eat!)
I don’t have any suggestions, but I’m going to be in NYC in a week to see Hamilton on the 26th and I have made zero other plans yet*, so I am here for any advice folks give you.
*It seems that I am so terrible at planning in advance, oh god.
Oooh, I will be there a week after you, I’m looking forward to the recs you get. I also have planned . . . a hotel room; airplane tickets.
I might be going up mid-May (or DC? haven’t decided yet) and I’ve never been, so I’m keeping an eye on your responses! So exciting.
No broadway for me, though. I get embarrassed for the actors. (I’m totally cool with being on stage myself, though?? It’s so weird.)
SNACKS
-Golden Unicorn for dim sum
-Levain for cookies (this is the most important item on this list by far)
-Jin Ramen for delicious ramen
-Absolute Bagels for bagels
-Cones or Sundaes, Cones, or Chinatown Ice Cream Factory for ice cream
-Plaza Food Hall, Gotham West Market, or Vanderbilt Food Hall for tons of tasty food vendors
-Alta or Barraca for delicious tapas
-Awash for Ethiopian
-City Bakery hot chocolate is a THING, but it’s also a thing that makes me really nauseated and I’ve never actually finished one, so maybe don’t? But also, maybe DO. Live your dreams!
Parks and Stuff!
-Central Park obviously! My favorite part is the Conservatory Garden <a href=”http://(http://www.centralparknyc.org/things-to-see-and-do/attractions/conservatory-garden.html),” target=”_blank”>(http://www.centralparknyc.org/things-to-see-and-do/attractions/conservatory-garden.html), but it might not be that pretty right now!
-Riverside Park and the Hudson River Greenway (great for riding bikes, depending on the weather)
-Brooklyn or Bronx Botanical Garden
-The Highline is usually super crowded, but still very cool to check out
-My favorite neighborhood to walk/wander around in is the West Village
Culture!?
-Museum of the Moving Image is amazing if you’re into movies
-St. John the Divine
-All the big ones (Natural History, The Met, MoMA, Guggenheim, Whitney, etc.) are worth checking out, but might be bonkers crowded. BUT if you go to the Museum of Natural History, you can reward yourself with Shake Shack after, and if you survive museums on museum mile/the Upper East Side, you can hit up Two Little Red Hens to eat amazing baked goods and ~relax~ after.
-Bookstores: The Strand, Housing Works (you can also get food/drinks here, plus all of their workers are volunteers and all of their profits go to ending homelessness and AIDS, and also it’s the most charming place in the world)
All of these food recs are just things I want to eat right now because I’m hungry and eating sad desk lunch, but if there are certain kinds of food that you like, let me know and I can send some more options! Also if you like other things that aren’t food, let me know that too, and I can send some more options for those as well!
Ahhh you are the best! Also, I am really regretting my decision to wait for a mid-afternoon lunch. Culturally, we’re interested in slightly odd and charming historical things? I’ve been to NYC before but I stayed with a friend in Brooklyn and we mostly did things there, so I’m interested in exploring more of Manhattan!
Seems up your alley!: http://morbidanatomymuseum.org/
I haven’t actually been, but I’ve heard good things!
A) I just went to Golden Unicorn for the first time with all my coworkers after we did an escape-the-room type thing in Chinatown and HOLY SHIT DELICIOUS.
B) Have you lived in my neighborhood at some point? Because no one name drops Jin and Absolute without having lived uptown.
A) YESSSS. And sometimes you don’t even know what you’re eating but you know that you like it.
B) Yup! I went to Barnard and then moved like 20 blocks south, but am still 100% loyal to Absolute.
I live on 122nd Street, on the block where JTS is, and depending on when you graduated from Barnard we may have some real-life people in common…
I graduated in 2009!
So I don’t want to namedrop in the OT, because not nice to potentially-mutual-friends, but between Barnard and Columbia I definitely know people who overlapped with you. rhgoldfarb AT gmail, if you want to try to actually figure out the people in common and/or if you’re looking for new friends in the neighborhood?
Always looking for new friends…I’ll email you!
Reporting out for Toastie knowledge: the answer is yes. Four people, according to Facebook.
Seconding St John the Divine! It’s not listed as a historic building so a lot of people miss it, but it’s the largest Gothic structure in North America and often has cool art installations besides its own magnificent architecture.
And if you’re looking for a small museum, the Frick or the Morgan Library or the extension of the Met, the Cloisters, are all worth checking out and should be less crowded than the bigger names.
If you go to St. John the Divine, it is well worth getting some strudel at the Hungarian Pastry shop afterword. I might even recommend getting it to go because they have a fantastic old-school bakery twine dispenser that fills me with joy.
Get the hell out of midtown! After four years in NYC, my favorite thing is still kind of “take the subway somewhere, get out, walk around.” If you haven’t spent much time in NYC before, I highly recommend the Village as a neighborhood to do this – east, west, or Greenwich (aka center) doesn’t matter. Lots of fun little shops, lots of interesting looking food and drink spots that you can stop in, and zig-zaggy streets that will make you feel confused and lost in a good way.
If you love musicals – and ONLY if you love musicals – Marie’s Crisis is going to be your new favorite place in the world. It’s packed on Friday and Saturday nights, though. It’s an all-showtunes piano bar with some great pianists, cheap drinks, and a whole lot of love in the room. Be prepared to sing in a big chorus with everyone else in the room. It’s on Grove Street in the West Village, around the corner from the Christopher Street subway stop and the West Village location of the Big Gay Ice Cream Shop, which is also a fun place.
Marie’s Crisis sounds like a place where I can be at peace with My People. We will definitely check it out!
My two favorite bookstores are near each other: Housing Works Bookstore Cafe and McNally Jackson. While you’re down in Soho, you should also get a cupcake at Georgetown Cupcakes.
Seconding both Housing Works and McNally Jackson. Great bookstores. And cool events at Housing Works – check their calendar!
Awesome! Thank you, Kind Internet Friend.
FWIW I would avoid Soho at all costs. Everyone is too like with it and hip for me and most of it has been equivalent to going to a way too fancy mall. I say this as a hipster of center 21 year old. Maybe it’s just not for me, but it’s not the neighborhood I would pick to just go hang out in. I’m sure the specific places recommended here are lovely though!
For some reason my work computer isn’t opening the link, but check out Not For Tourists (www.notfortourists.com) I bought the book when I moved to NYC (years ago, I am since out of there) and it was very helpful and very amusing.
I second EeMmBb’s recommendation below to venture out of Midtown. Personally, my favorite neighborhood is Chinatown–if you like literally any kind of Asian food OR haggling for designer knockoffs (2 of my favorite activities…), you will have a great time. The shopping and eating in SoHo is also amazing.
Also, the reading room at the New York Public Library is gorgeous (and free!) Grand Central is also gorgeous and free, especially if you’re into cool architecture. I know those are touristy, but they’re touristy for a reason. If you’re going uptown to see Hamilton’s house, you could visit the Cloisters (further uptown)–I’ve never been there myself but I hear it’s pretty cool.
I would always take people to Alice’s Tea Room on the UWS (they have a few locations) because it’s cute and yummy. If you’re into Alice in Wonderland or tea, you’ll have a better time, obviously.
Ooh, that website looks like an awesome resource! Now I can blow off work this afternoon in good conscience. We were definitely planning to go to the New York Public Library. We might have to check out the Cloisters.
Re: NYPL, the Rose main reading room in the main branch (with the lions) is closed for renovations, but much of the rest of the building is open. I’d hate for you to show up and be disappointed. http://www.nypl.org/help/about-nypl/capital-proje…
The Cloisters can be pricy if you pay the suggested admission but you get in free with a same day Met Museum ticket I think.
Also, if you are stopping by at the Columbia Campus check out. Hamilton Hall and the Hamilton statue in front of it.
Midtown I recommend Sapporo for cheap beer by NYC Standards and awesome fried Japanese food and soups (cash only).
I second Chinatown–you can get good food, and it’s so busy that you can have fun just wandering around and enjoying the chaos.
I just went a month ago and I was:
Happy I got fresh fruit in Chinatown if possible, good to snack on
Happy to look at toys and clothes in Chinatown
Happy I had some bills (and fruit) to give to people who were panhandling, but sad that I could have brought more, or also gave an extra scarf or something (is that weird)
Sad I drove on the George Washington bridge with a toll of $15!!
Happy to pay attention to whereabouts of public restrooms
Happy to feed the pigeons
Happy to be in the touristy spots, Broadway, 30 Rock, look at the empire state building
Happy to come back to Chinatown for the nighttime fish market where all the fish are placed out in the cold and it just looks very cool
Seconding the Frick and the Morgan Library, and the American Museum of Natural History was my favorite place in the world as a child, and is still at the top of my list, if you like wandering around amazing old shit for hours
Leave Midtown! Take the ACE down to W 4th St and explore all the food and shops in the village + Washington Square Park (look at dogs! buy a dosa from the dosas guy! listen to whatever live music is being played or look at whatever live art is being made! buy weed from a dude under the arch! whatever!). Specifically I recommend Murray’s Cheese shop, Joe’s Pizza, Olive Oil and Co, Marie’s Crisis, Big Gay Ice Cream, Employees Only and the restaurant Cuba. Basically everything in this area is good though, yet confusing to navigate since this is where the streets stop being on a grid. Google Maps is your friend.
Also the LES and Chinatown are both great but I have less specific recommendations for them: LES – the candy shop on Rivington, the OCC Makeup store, this bar on the corner of Rivington and Ludlow called Spitzer’s Corner, Gaia Italian Cafe (so tiny! so cheap! so delicious!). The Laboritorio il Gelato is right across from Katz’s and a must eat – they have flavors like pumpkin and sesame seed that taste like the actual thing instead of like the candied version and they are EXCELLENT. Chinatown – if you like Shanghaiese food/soup dumplings, Joe’s Shanghai is better but 456 Shanghai is way better and less busy and touristy. The Shisiedo store is great. The streets smell like fish from all the markets but it is fun to explore. I haven’t been but Unicorn is supposed to be one of the better pushcart dim sum places around, and the Peking Duck House is SO worth it. Also check out Apotheke (it’s a speakeasy so google directions on how to find it if you go) if you’re there at night.
If you stay in Midtown, go to Hell’s Kitchen to eat. Walk up and down 9th Ave and find every kind of ethnic food you could want + 900 Thai restaurants (the Yum Yum branded ones at 46th St. are passable and cheap, and have $7 cocktails that come with a free appetizer). Southern Hospitality is great for brunch. Tasty Hand Pulled Noodles is excellent, and a spin off of a Chinatown noodle shop. Get the fat wide noodles in a pan fried dish, they are awesome. Empanada Mama and Breeze used to be two of my favorite places but one has been “closed for renovations” indefinitely and one burned down. Hell’s Kitchen, the Mexican restaurant/gay bar has good tequila drinks and food. Five Napkin Burger is excellent (get their classic burger with the caramelized onions and rosemary aioli) and your Broadway centered trip is not complete without a huge cookie from Schmackary’s. If you venture off 9th and stay in Midtown, foku+ and X’ian Famous Foods are both good.
(I don’t even live in New York I just go there a lot, oops).
ETA: if you love Broadway and can afford it, see who/what is going on cabaret wise at 54 Below while you’re there. Also Bar Bacon on 9th, where everything has bacon in it.
The Victorians didn’t invent vibrators after all: http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/nov…
Always did think that ‘hysterical paroxysm’ theory was a bit hokey.
ETA: Ha that link is two years old. I am late to the debunking party.
In other news, someone wrote a rebuttal to that vile techbro who complained about the homeless population of SF harshing his buzz: https://medium.com/@jimatdeltaco/open-letter-to-a…
Good rebuttal, that guy’s an absolute embarrassment.
My fiancee showed me that Fern Riddell article a while back, and now I’m happy whenever I see it show up places. The vibrator myth is such a good weird history story, I wish it were true, even so.
I know somebody who has done a lot of work on the history of sex, and *hates* all the misinformation about vibrators. http://www.lesleyahall.net/factoids.htm#hysteria
Toasties, I am about ready to scream at my girlfriend’s dissertation adviser. It’s been in the plan for months for my gf to defend this March, and now her adviser, who has been great so far, has been downright impossible about actually saying she is done or setting any kind of timeline. First the diss was to be finished the 7th of this month, then the 15th, then the 20th was the latest day she could turn it in for a March defense, and now . . . who knows? We are firmly in uncharted waters and my gf has no idea when it will be done. Her adviser told her last year that it could be finished and ready for the committee quite quickly if she got a job offer (which did not pan out), and now the adviser is asking for revision after revision. I am doing all I can to help with editing/reading, but we’re four hours apart from each other. She’s stressed, I’m stressed, our plans for the future center around her diss being done, she can’t be done until her adviser declares it done, and I am utterly fed up with the power dynamics of academia.
My bf is currently in this process, and it’s the same thing “oh if you get a job, then your dissertation can be done! but otherwise we’ll keep you a Phd candidate forever bc cheap lab labor!” It is also impacting our life plans.
Ugh, academia.
At this point I’m nearly convinced her adviser would be happy to keep her working on it forever and we’ll just have to live in her university town forever.
I am so sympathetic. So, so sympathetic. I turned in my complete draft in January, and my supervisor said “What part of this am I supposed to read, again?” and he thinks maybe I’ll be able to defend in fall. In FALL. I submitted this draft in JANUARY.
It sounds to me like you should contact her committee chair. There are professors in my program who are notorious for dragging their feet on approving dissertations and in all cases the committee has stepped in to force them to let the students finish. If she can’t do that, could she contact the director of graduate studies? That person may have some advice about how to proceed.
I have no helpful advice, but I do give you all my sympathies. I quit my Ph.D. program over this issue combined with losing half of my committee to job transfers. I actually remember the exact moment I realized that my department had no standards beyond “does this student have a job offer” (it was at another student’s defense). So I got a job offer… as a technical editor. I have zero regrets.
Best of luck that your girlfriend has the outcome that she is seeking. If she hasn’t gone to the chair of the program, that may be a good next step.
It’s my birthday early next week and I have all kinds of weird feels. Partly because I am so Alone.
I don’t like acquaintances/FB friends wishing me a happy birthday because it feels forced, but I don’t really have close friends at the moment so I don’t think I’ll be doing much. My housemate and I are hopefully going for dinner, but this weekend is going to be spent in the house alone.
Part of me wants someone to make a fuss, but then I don’t because it gives me all kinds of social anxiety. And my family is particularly useless with organising anything unless I do it for them, so the likelyhood of me even getting a card on my birthday is low, nevermind surprise presents or them even remembering. I won’t see them cause of the whole emigrant thing and I’m thinking I might just go to Ikea on my own for my birthday.
I’m sorry you’re having such conflicted feelings – I hope you can come to a happy medium between celebrating a year of your life and feeling comfortable. But then again, if you want to opt out, you absolutely can! There is no rule that says you have to organize/participate!
I totally get you, for some reason every year around my birthday I get a strong desire to delete my FB., but I think it’s because I feel a weird social pressure around who says it/who doesn’t/how I respond, etc and it kinda stresses me out.
Yeah I just don’t like people I haven’t spoken to in years saying happy birthday because a website reminded them to. Its a thing I have where I don’t see the point of non genuine platitudes, I don’t care how many ‘HB x’ posts I get, I care about the people who care enough to do it privately cause they know me and know that’s what I like.
at least for me, if someone is my close friend then I know when their birthday is coming (at least roughly); and if anyone is a good friend of mine, then hopefully they’ve seen me in person in the last 3 months and then I will have told them explicitly when my birthday is and what I’d like to do, but I don’t post about it online to remind people its happening.
I get that too. I hardly wish anybody a happy birthday on facebook anymore, although it does help me remember the exact dates for friends I don’t see very often (who I then text/call/etc). I should just write their birthdays down and not have to deal with it anymore.
If you would like, we can find a way to privately trade contact information because I would love nothing more than to send you a birthday card, even if it gets there a little late.
That’s very kind, I’m not a huge birthday card person, its more that I would like to believe my mother would be together enough to remember to send me something, but I highly doubt it since she hasn’t asked when my birthday is or my address (she knows my address, she just lacks the ability to write it down or remember it)
I…um. I think that your mother must be very unwell…in some way? I’m sorry about that.
Toast hugs if you want them. Birthdays can be baggage ridden. :-/
Not unwell just ditzy and unorganized! (ADHD runs untreated in the family)
Ikea for your birthday sounds lovely. Sit on all the couches! Eat Swedish meatballs and watch people! Fantasy plan your dream kitchen!
I have a troubled relationship with my birthday, and so I just do exactly what I feel like doing even if it’s not something other people would understand. I’ve spent it alone at a bar, out to dinner with friends, on my couch with a pile of movies, at the laundromat, and in various other ways.
Happy birthday. Enjoy whatever you decide to do or not do.
I thought this, too! Go for it, Selma! I love spending my BD doing stuff just for me, me, glorious me because it’s the only day out of the year where you can get away with such indulgent behaviour, even if it’s as small as adding an extra scoop of sugar in your morning coffee or gleefully telling someone “no, not today for X,Y, Z it’s my BD MOFO!”
IKEA all the way!
I really want to indulge, but I’ve already indulged a lot this month and next month is going to be tough thanks to a roommate leaving me in the lurch, so money is tight 🙁
I personally enjoy getting freebies on my birthday. I’m signed up for all the clubs, mailers, etc. Free drink at Starbucks, free gift at Sephora (okay I usually pick that up earlier in the month, because I can), free soft serve at Carvel, etc.
Oh, and get yourself a $1 fancy cup from Clearance! I guess birthdays are a celebration of You, and it’s sad when you don’t have anyone to celebrate yourself with, but really you’re the most important part to your party. Just don’t do anything you wouldn’t normally do, like blow out the candles by yourself–if you don’t enjoy it, it’ll just feel desperately empty and lonely. Get yourself something nice and maybe treat it like a personal New Year’s Day, make resolutions and think of how far you’ve come.
It me. My b-day is next Tuesday and my relatives are notoriously negligent in celebrating me. I typically get a call a few days before – “So, what are you doing for your birthday?” – to which I reply “Nothing,” because I generally hate gatherings and people in general and my family in particular and then nothing happens and I might get a card, but probably not.
Is there something that you want to do/buy/see/experience that you can gift to yourself? I find that relying on other people to celebrate me, especially as I get older, is an exercise in futility. My Pisces-introvert brain doesn’t enjoy celebrations anyway.
Anyway, HAPPY BIRTHDAY and have fun at Ikea. Perhaps you can buy yourself a pack of 100 floating tea light candles and put them in your bathtub and watch them congeal into a giant floaty waxy blob.
Oi you better shove off my birthday. The 23rd is mine.
I resent how popular February is for birthdays, frankly the whole month should be off limits just for me.
(I’m only kind of kidding. Happy birthday.)
Right? February birthdays are every other day in my family. It’s like everyone had sex in May.
Plus, too many years of “well, your Gran’s b-day and Cousin Loser’s b-day and Aunt Flake’s b-day and Friends x, y, and z’s b-days are all so close together, we’re just going to throw one big party for all of you. Can you bring bread for sandwiches?”
I will literally trade with any day in any other month except Christmas. I usually celebrate my un-birthday in August because no one’s b-day is in August and it’s the day before my wedding anniversary so I can milk it for extra prezzies.
I like my birthday date, I jsut wish everyone else would shove off. I have dated two different guys who have birthays either near mine or on the same day.
I know this feel, my birthday is a time of year when people are often busy or traveling and many people I’d like to celebrate with are geographically distant. And Facebook is overwhelming, even if you love all the greetings! And if you say “I’m not doing much” some people get weirdly disappointed!
I hope it’s a fun relaxing weekend and you get to eat lots of tasty things but mostly [awkward birthday feels fistbump]
I hope you have a very happy birthday! Buy yourself something that you really love. You deserve it. Mine is Monday, when’s yours? I hope it’s sunny and you eat something very delicious.
I hope you have a lovely day whatever you decide to do/whoever you are with. Happy birthday from over here!
*Hugs*
My birthday is soon, too, and while I usually enjoy it quite a bit (it usually coincides with my SAD receding), this year I’m dreading it somehow, and for the first time in years I haven’t planned a party.
ooof, i feel this every year. (and mine’s coming up too.) i want someone to make a fuss over me, but i also want to hide and have nothing happen. but i don’t want arrangements made and then have nobody come. and i always put off doing something for myself, and then if i do it’s the last minute and of course people have other plans.
i have no practical advice, just a respectful shoulder-nudge of solidarity.
You put it in words.
to complain even more: mine is april fools’ day, so some people don’t believe it’s actually my birthday. which makes celebrating on the internet kinda tricky.
so i guess i’m saying, if you spend the evening in bed with a bottle of whatever, i will be toasting you from afar.
Oof, I feel this. Times that I’ve felt lonely, birthdays are almost like a slap in the face if you don’t get enough love. If you’re thinking it’s going to be crappy, I always just plan something ridiculous and distracting for myself that other people can attend if they like. Here in Seattle we have a bunch of artsy circuses that are just the right mix of decadence and distracting brashness to make me feel pretty pumped even if my social circle is tiny. Lord knows what works for you, but it always helps me to go big.
No advice, but solidarity hugs–this is pretty much the way I feel every year (and this one is one of those numbers I think will feel melodramatic.)
Birthdays are hard. I am going to Prague this week(!) but if you wanted to have a little late birthday tea drinking and cake eating i’d love to go for a slice in one of the fancy cafés in Brockley in early March if you’re interested. (Posting this here in case other London toasties also feel like future cake)
1 enjoy Prague!
2 cafe trips are always welcome! We’re doing drinks and deadpool in peckham tonight if you haven’t left yet!
I would have come but gotta get myself ready for Prague tomorrow! I will organise something in a few weeks – hope deadpool is good!
You know, I felt the same exact way on my birthday this year. And so I didn’t do anything. And it was weirdly freeing? Like, it was an absolutely normal day. I didn’t respond individually to people who had wished me HBD on FB, like I usually do. I honestly forgot that it even was my birthday. And it was just how I wanted to spend this birthday. Just letting it quietly pass without any fanfare. It’s been a hard few months for me, and adding all the weird pressures that comes with birthdays was really too much.
I’ve been there 🙁
After moving across the country for a with–good-reason ex and experiencing depression due to feeling cut off from friends and family, he went off to do some out of town for 3 weeks that included my birthday so I spent the day completely alone.
I got a bottle of bubbly, cooked up something I knew I liked and devoted the day to watching a tv show I was into. Think you can work up a solitary plan that feels like fun? I know it’s not quite the same, but there are definitely ways to treat yourself that don’t involve other people.
Cat thread!
These jerks. Taking up all the real estate.
How are your house tyrants?
Oliver is unsure about limes.
However, both Oliver and Asa agree that having a human play video games is pretty awesome for cuddling.
Been away visiting family/the home country for about two weeks, so I’ve only now been reunited with Klaas-Jan. He seems happy to see me and as attention-seeking/bratty as ever. But it looks like my newest housemate did a good job of taking care of him, he had food in his bowl when I got home and seems untraumatized.
Here he is kneading my lap:
Mack is being his stupid cuddly self. I’ve been exercising/working a lot so he’s not pleased with the diminished cuddling time.
So fluffy!
Gertie rejects both my affections and my prescriptive stance on shitting in the litter box.
I think Atticus is enjoying being the good cat of the household for once.
I can’t post a picture, but I’m glad you started this thread because I woke up this morning feeling so happy about my little life with my kitty Boomer. My life is very enriched by my cat overlord.
My house tyrants are still feeling the cold and being very cuddly.
And currently yelling from behind the sofa because I am not playing with them.
BUTT
PILLOW
One of my boys has developed the irritating habit of running about the house for anywhere up to an hour, at 2 or 3 am, waking me out of a dead sleep. I’ve been trying a bit of melatonin in a late-night bowl of wet food, and I have some Zylkene on order at a local vet to try that, but last night I gave them all some poached turkey to see if that would work, and either I was so tired I didn’t hear the running, or else he didn’t do it, but I slept through the night.
Good thing he’s cute, to make up for it.
i got some treats Quiet Moments that have both tryptophan and melatonin. i end up putting it in their food, because most of the treats arrived pulverized. maybe some evening playtime where you tire him out before bed will help prevent the night time jog-a-thon?
I tried some treats I got off Amazon and no one liked them. I did attempt to mash them into some food but damn their skilled noses, they still knew the treats were in it. Trying to see if I can track down a sample size bag of Royal Canin ‘Calm’ to use as evening treats too.
We probably should have playtime, I just have to find something he’d want me to be at the other end of (he prefers ‘by myself’ toys like mice and skittery rolly things).
Mostly it’s just puzzling that he’s taken up doing this now, as he’s almost 8! He was never this hyper as a kitten, so….what are you up to in that brain of yours, little man?
If he’s being generally hyper, you might also want to get his thyroid checked! Especially if you notice that he’s losing weight, or eating more than usual without gaining weight. Hyperthyroid is pretty common in older cats; not-quite-8 is a little young for it, but you never know.
Man, I hope he isn’t. My little group were semi-feral as babies, and while they’re mostly okay, grabbing them for anything like medicating is a task in itself. I would take him to the vet to get a checkup but I don’t think either of us are ready for another wrestling match about getting in the carrier (he was so afraid while being rounded up for my move last year, he bit my hand). Maybe later this year when it’s dental month again.
Been waking me up at 6 am all week, even on the days I could conceivably have slept until 7:30 am. She is lucky she is so cute and sweet!
my house tyrants are doing surprisingly well! we had 3, and then an unexpected passing landed us with 2 more who are somewhat difficult, and we’ve been trying to make the best of it. but we gave everyone space, and bought all kinds of calming treats, and 1 month in, nobody has come to blows or peed anywhere they shouldn’t.
also, little manzanita pants [the tabby] started playing fetch recently. it’s so cute, i love it. she likes a certain kind of plush stuffed toy, and she only does it with those.
there were 4 sitting together, but one got up. the black one is one of the new guys. progress!
My Local Monster insisted in helping with computer assembly the other day: http://imgur.com/RXJkBpc
No idea how you all do this fancy image embedding.
Either the cats really like the boy, or he’s just taken over their couch and they’re refusing to not sit on it.
Jack was ill earlier this week, but she seems to be okay now! She threw up a lot, was lethargic, lost her appetite, and had a ton of eye boogers. But after a day or so she perked back up.
Here she is taking up half the couch.
Aw. I’m glad your barfy kitty feels better.
my kitty has calicivirus which has similar symptoms. the vet said there’s nothing you can do, just have liquids available and syringe-feed on the third day if she won’t eat by then. glad she’s feeling better! if it’s calici, she could be carrying it and it may happen again if her immunity is down. i was advised to give my cat lysine, which is like a vitamin c for cats, but i heard it tastes terrible, so i bought lysine treats.
I suspect that she just ate something that disagreed with her, since she got over it so quickly. However, immediately after she got sick, my brother and I got sick as well. We joke that she gave us the kitty flu. (We know this is not actually possible.)
‘Human, why have you disturbed our slumber?’
No pics today because she looks all pathetically bedraggled, but as of today Daisy is on her last day of eardrops for the yeast infection in her ears. I have to take her back to the vet to make sure she’s all good, but she’s started climbing on me again, so I figure she forgives me for the 2 weeks of medication hell. Probably.
Attempted picture of cat trapping my arm with a firm “petting, no typing” plan
My coughing made me a less satisfying piece of furniture, require her to move to this huge pillow.
Going to the V-E-T Wednesday for our overdue annual, plus a persistent peeing on the bed issue I thought we’d fixed. Definitely nervous about getting them into their carrier for the first time in this new space, which has way too many high-ups and nooks and crannies.
I’m supposed to be going to the theatre tonight but I’m stuck at work and going to miss it! But…that means I get to sneak home and play Star Wars on my iPhone which is all I want to do anyway!
Anyone have any fun iOS games they recommend?
I don’t know if it’s an iOS game as well as an Android game, but I’ve been enjoying “Wedding Escape” recently.
Puzzlers: Two Dots and Threes are pretty fun. I also like an older one called DungeonRaid, it is like a bejeweled type matching game mixed with an RPG. Hexagon is fun but intense. And there is an RPG action-y one called Wayward I like.
DungeonRaid is my fucking jam, I play it for probably an hour a day (I have a long, crappy commute by train).
Wait, are you playing Galaxy of Heroes?
If you like puzzle/room escape games I highly recommend The Room (1, 2, and 3) games. Beautiful graphics, intuitive controls, and built in hints if you get stuck. Plus a kinda creepy ongoing mystery.
I’m reliving my youth and playing knights of the old republic! How’s galaxy of heroes?
The only games on my phone are Two Dots and Neko Atsume – both are addicting in different ways! though Two Dots can get annoyingly difficult once you get to the higher levels. Not unbeatable (I have beat all available levels), but frustrating!
Monument Valley! It’s a series of levels designed with bright colours and Escher landscapes that you have to navigate through! I love it so much.
Otherwise, Neko Atsume is great; lots of people call it a stress-free alternative to Tamagochis but with cats.
If you’re a scrabble, boggle person ALPHABEAR.
I love alphabear!
Revolution 60 is a really cool game–it’s kind of a mini space action saga, and the graphics and style are very unique, plus the choices you make affect the ending of the game. Ghost Trick is another fun one, but it’s a little goofier. Choice of Games, LLC makes a bunch of choose-your-own-adventure story games that are interesting (and at any given time some of them tend to be free).
Yes! RYB is a fun non-verbal puzzle-game that you figure out the rules of as you go along. (Full disclosure: I know the person who made it.) It’s also really gorgeous to look at.
I missed last week but I am here again to talk to about TOOOOOAST POOOOOST!!
What is Toast Post?? Real, live, hold-in-your-hand mail from the internet friends you’ve made at The Toast. This works in a round-robin style, where you’ll get matched with Toasties but then those Toasties will get matched with completely different people, to maximize connections between Toast pals. If you want to keep up the correspondence, let your Toast-match know, if you just want to send off a single fun postcard or note, that’s fine too. One sided postal relationships are also welcome! Is your address up in the air? Do you want to receive post but can’t send any? There are options for that!
Follow @ToastiePost on twitter or email [email protected] if you want to be in touch with the Toast Post Mistress!
Do you know when you’ll be sending out assignments? I submitted my info in a previous week, but haven’t seen an email come through. I want to make sure it’s not lost in spam somewhere.
Oh gosh not for weeks!! I leave the sign up form open for about a month and then it takes me 3-4 weeks to match people – I don’t anticipate sending out matches until early April to be honest. Maybeee mid-March if work calms down and I can get some done during the day 😉
I have a terrible confession to make: I signed up last time, got names, bought cards… and got stuck there. Would it be ok to send them out egregiously late?
Go for it! Maybe explain it’s from the first round, so people don’t start worrying that they haven’t got their matches yet, but the postal service knows no deadlines!
I LOVE this! Following now!
I just signed up but I can’t send at the moment – is it ok to receive for a bit and then switch to sending too?
Do you know when you can start sending? I’m not going to send out matches for another month or so at least!
Um… Dissertation in end of April, exams in May, could probably send from mid-May onwards? Is that too late? If not should I re-sign up?
Oof sounds like you’ll need some pick me ups, don’t worry about it! As long as you checked that you can only receive notes so I don’t send you matches by accident, you’re good!
I did! And I included my toastname so you can find me here too 🙂
love this! Followed and submitted!
Thanks to everyone who gave me laundry ideas last week, and to those whose food ideas I shamelessly stole (quiche, burrito bowls). I’m grappling with the size and expense of a heated drying rack (this place is tiny and the same amount of $ could buy a lot of other household-y stuff), but I found one of those hangers with 8 clips at a thrift store and think a mix of tumbling for half an hour, then giving things a day on my little folding rack should keep me afloat for now. All shall be well.
I’d love to hear about non-traditional foods you’ve made in the slow cooker! Not really inspired to buy a microwave or toaster oven, so I’m leaning hard on the 6 quart crock for nourishment.
Today I made ham and white bean soup for my staff. Overnight in the crock pot. It was glorious and appreciated. Ham bone w/meat. Soaked great northern beans, chopped onion, celery and carrot. Bay leaves, garlic and pepper. Water to cover. Wait 8 to 12 hours. Remove bone, chopp up ham, return to soup. Soo good.
I like slow cooker pizza topping soup. I’m going to point you towards the open thread where I posted the recipe before, instead of reposting the recipe, because there are a whole bunch of other slow cooker recipes there too: http://the-toast.net/2014/08/29/cocktail-hour-ope… (expand the third comment, from aravisthequeen, for most of them; there are a handful that aren’t in that subthread, but I don’t remember where).
Only change I’ve made is that sometimes I buy regular Italian sausages and remove the skins, because they’re easier to find and often cheaper.
Ooh, I remember that thread, thank you for the link! I burned the heck out of cinnamon rolls so I assume biscuits should work, and one night I put all my random vegetables in there and went to bed with it on low, turned it off when I got up at 1 am to pee, and had the best roasted veggies all week. Wish I could make coffee in it, but actual pizza is something I plan to try soon.
Mulled white wine! And while it was mulling I used it as poaching liquid for pears and an apple. Double duty booze and dessert, I felt so fancy yet simultaneously thrifty. And I drank the hot wine in bed with a hot water bottle and alllllll the blankets, it was so cosy. Can recommend.
Kalua pig! I use this recipe, but I skip the foil-wrapping step and make it in the crock pot. Cook on low for about 6 hours. http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/sam-….
Glad I followed the link, I have always misread this dish as somehow containing Kahlua, but no (although I’ll bet a Kahlua BBQ sauce would be really tasty). I’m not hugely meaty, but remain curious about the pulled pork made with root beer.
I had a sorta bad sorta good surprise thing? Because one person is a perceived low performer who “can’t focus when wearing headphones”, now suddenly my entire office is forbidden to because “fairness”. Meanwhile, I was wearing them religiously because between all the slamming of paper files and PTSD-triggering language, I couldn’t focus and was having a nervous breakdown.
So now I’m very seriously job hunting. It’s good that I’m over my fear of change to look elsewhere but I’m so pissed that the one small indulgence I had has been taken away, and that trying to get it reinstated as a formal accommodation would get me fired. 🙁 At least this’ll get me into a techy job soon…
Wait . . . no one can wear headphones because someone does not perform well while wearing them? How is it not a solution for said person to just . . . not wear headphones?
Because somehow, that’s picking on them and isn’t fair at all. I don’t even know, for real, management is aware of what fair *actually means*. Like it’s okay to spend an hour chatting with your work friend and blowing off work, but not to work while listening to your ipod. I’m very hopeful to be out of here soon.
How about earplugs?
The ostensible problem is that we might not hear the phone ring, so those are also forbidden. 😐 I face my phone and it has a big red light that flashes when it rings, but reality doesn’t matter to these people.
Gah! I’m sorry. We have one manager who loves to listen to super conservative talk radio LOUDLY in her office so that everyone in the next two departments can hear it. A. she has a door and could SHUT IT and B. everyone else in the world WEARS HEADPHONES WHILE LISTENING TO THINGS IN THE WORK PLACE. It was brought to the director but because he’s terrified of her, says nothing. I hope you find a new work place that is pleasant and that if you should need your headphones, they act like normal freaking adults!
Thank you! Offending people with my musical taste is a worry of mine – I don’t listen to cursey or sexual stuff, but I listen to a very wide variety of music and enjoy dissonance and atonality. That isn’t exactly beloved by most folks. It was better for everyone when we just wore headphones and were done with it… Now there’s sound leak all over.
In retrospect, I think there’s a lot of generational stuff here. Everyone below the age of 40 views headphones as common courtesy. The older staff act like it’s an insult to have to get one’s attention with a polite gesture, before launching into their super urgent interruption. 😐
Eta: I would totally want to throw eggd at your conservative radio manager. That’s OBNOXIOUS.
Hmm. What about a white noise machine right next to you? Just floating ideas. I have no idea what I would do. That is ridiculous and disheartening.
I have a Dohm, and they’re not cheap, but they really do make an effective and truly “white” noise (like a fan, but much better) while taking up very little space.
Hey, clever and literary Toasties (so in other words, Hey Toasties): I teach English at an east coast private high school, and I am wondering if anyone has suggestions for a good novel to teach at the ninth grade level. Ideally, it would be something that expands the high school canon– in other words, not by or primarily about a while man– and that would help spark interesting thematic discussions and conversations about literary craft and style. I know the old standbys for high school English, but I would love to find something new (and hey, get some good reading suggestions for myself along the way!).
I can think of nothing off the top of my head, but I am totally gonna ask my friend who teaches 9th grade English. This question is legit right up her alley.
Hooray, thanks!
Heroines by Kate Zambreno! Really great as a critique of the other canon that they’re probably getting. (Looking at you Hamlet and Gatsby).
Also I did Antigone in 9th grade with a very feminist teacher and it was GREAT. You could also pull in Ann Carson’s lovely translation.
ETA heroines might have sex? But also Djuna Barnes seems like a lovely thing to read in that vein.
I…might not recommend Heroines? I mean, I think the general sentiment about expanding how we talk about these authors and their wives is important, and informing them about what the canon is. But it’s also deeply contingent to knowing the work of the husbands. If you haven’t read the Great Gatsby yet, I think the investigation into F. Scott plagiarizing Zelda for Daisy doesn’t have the impact if you don’t know that passage. Maybe read them in companion? Also, her memoirish stuff / critique of the personal in academic writing might not be right for 9th grade? I don’t know how you start from, “I take issue with New Criticism” without first understanding what and how new criticism works, and would be great for 12th grade. But perhaps not 9th?
That being said, something my favorite English Teacher in high school did was fill a book case of supplemental reading in the back of the classroom for student to engage with. Like, “here’s Gatsby because we have to, but if you want to know more, you might want to read A Movable Feast and Heroines…”
I think we read Things Fall Apart in 9th grade–maybe that would work? It’s a bit intense, so that might be a problem for 9th graders, but I loved it.
I read that as a senior!
Toni Morrison’s A Mercy! It might be a little too sexy for 9th graders, butttttt that is a call you are going to have to make!
The chapters switch back and forth between perspectives, so the writing style varies. I taught it to college first years as a literacy narrative, but there are themes of motherhood, literacy, religion, slavery all going on. I find that it is pretty accessible, though my students got a bit bogged down in the language — though it is nothing that some explanation can’t clear up!
ha, i also recommended some morrison!
How about Sherman Alexie’s The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian?
I was about to recommend that, too!
That is a great, one, yes, thanks! Thanks to all you helpful Toasties– this is a fantastic list!
Drama, but Tarell Alvin McCraney’s In the Red and Brown Water.
Oh yes, absolutely yes. And as a script, its a fairly easy one to engage with and read without actually seeing the play.
the bluest eye! i read it in sophomore english– it’s a fairly easy intro to morrison, and it’s so important / powerful.
Kindred by Octavia Butler. https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/60931.Kindred
Among Others by Jo Walton. https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/8706185-among…
You didn’t ask for short stories, but I’ll recommend Vampires in the Lemon Grove anyways. https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/13531832-vamp…
What about D.J. Older’s Shadowshaper? Recently published YA urban fantasy. Should be out in paperback soon. (Could do this and American Gods for an interesting unit about keeping immigrant culture alive in the US.)
Ursula Le Guin, Left Hand of Darkness; Mikhail Bulgakov, The Master and Margarita; Sandra Cisneros, The House on Mango Street.
mm, we did House on Mango Street in 9th grade, it definitely stuck with me.
Mikhail is a guy and I would definitely say he is in the canon (but I love that book too!)
Yeah, he’s definitely a guy, but at the same time, when someone is writing from a place of extreme powerlessness and in defiance of censorship and oppression, I think some of the objections to his being white and male can be laid aside?
Seconding Left Hand of Darkness. The only problem with it is that the first half is so slow compared to the second half. In a way, that’s much better than the other way around, but then again, you don’t want people to give up before they get to the really good part.
Somebody mentioned The Lone Ranger and Tonto Fistfight in Heaven, and I think that’s a great idea.
Ordinary Wolves by Seth Kantner. He’s white in the sense that his parents were white, but he grew up in an Alaska Native village and is very culturally Native, and the book is largely autobiographical. It’s definitely regarded as The Great Alaskan Novel.
And how about Station Eleven? It’s awfully recent, but I can’t think of any reason why it wouldn’t work for that age group.
Oh, I was clarifying in case the original poster was very attached to her stated criteria. I love The Master and Margarita too, and agree with you that it is great for that age group.
I also think (à la your username) that Homer is fabulous for kids of this age — they relate to it surprisingly very well and find it vivid and direct, and it is so worthy of getting into one’s bloodstream and circulation at an early age. Surely cultural & temporal diversity are also important in reading lists!
I wouldn’t necessarily want to equate “written by a women or minority” with “written from a position of extreme powerlessness” because I bet there are specificities in perspective other than “powerlessness” we are selecting for. Otherwise George Orwell, for example, might fit the bill (Down and Out in London and Paris — another fantastic book!). Or Dostoevsky. (On second thought, why not Dostoevsky? Notes from the Underground – what teenager doesn’t relate to that?)
How about Louise Erdrich, A Plague of Doves, or The Roundhouse? Or, honestly, A Room of One’s Own by Virginia Woolf? (It is a lot easier to read than her other writing). Or Americanah, by Ngozi Adichie, which they can probably relate to easily and is great and is written in a diction younger readers can easily understand? It’s a bit long, but not longer than some of the Harry Potter books. Or Toni Morrison, so good, and maybe The Bluest Eye is the most accessible for 9th graders. Jeanette Winterson, Oranges are Not the Only Fruit.
I am all for stretching the 9th graders a little bit, as someone who will be teaching them later on in college 🙂
Good point. I know there are a lot of reasons other than power/authority issues to choose women and minority writers, and I didn’t mean to suggest that all minority and women writers are powerless or oppressed. I just meant that one of the problems with consistently teaching white men is that you’re continuing to privilege a group that has historically been dominant in Western culture – and that after Bulgakov tanked his career and risked his life to get his glorious subversive masterpiece written, it would be a pity to reject it as “written by a white man” when it doesn’t embody any of the privilege we associate with that phrase. That said, there are a lot of other reasons to represent women and minority writers, and a reading list loaded with white men who struggled against a dominant authority would still be a bad idea.
Basically, I’m just saying that while “dead white men” can be a useful shorthand/rule of thumb to see if your reading list is skewing too far toward the traditional canon, it’s also important to evaluate each writer individually. (Which I think everyone here does, but I had a boss at a bookstore – she was also a former English teacher – who would sweepingly dismiss the idea of teaching “dead white men” but who also refused to let me put Jean Toomer in the Classics section because in her mind classics were dead white men, and thus the Harlem Renaissance didn’t count. Apparently, she thought of “Classic” as a term for outdated literature that wasn’t worth teaching. The idea of simply expanding the category apparently never occurred to her. The complete insanity of having a segregated Classics section was one of the things that led me to quit.)
i agree with you about the Odyssey – the Fitzgerald translation is my favorite. The only reason I didn’t suggest it is that I read it in ninth grade English, so I thought of it as already being on the standard reading list.
Another Alaskan one – though actually it could be read at a lower reading level than ninth grade – is Two Old Women by Velma Wallis. It’s a retelling of an Athabascan legend about two old women who are abandoned by their tribe during a lean time, and who manage to survive.
I read The Beantrees in 9th grade, that was fun, and Tracks by Louise Erdrich in 10th.
Nectar in a Sieve by Kamala Markandaya? Could spark a lot of really good discussions on colonialism, India, and the role of women.
Or Incidents in the Life of a Slave Girl? I think we did that in my English class despite the fact that it’s autobiographical.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto Fistfight in Heaven or The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian by Sherman Alexie are both great.
Maybe Powers by Ursula LeGuin? It’s the third in her YA trilogy, but I don’t think you have to read the others to get it. I worry it might skew too young, though?
I also really like the novella Binti by Nnedi Okorafor. Maybe Ancillary Justice by Ann Leckie for talking about unreliable narrators (that don’t just provide plot twists), definitions of humanity/civilization, and the use of “she” for all genders.
I don’t think Powers is too young! I was also wondering if Lathe of Heaven would be good (although gasp, mild drug references).
Hello Toasts! Does anyone want to continue talking about meal planning, couponing, grocery shopping, things like that, away from the broader budget thread and recipe threads? Would anyone be interested in sharing meal plans and/or grocery lists?
I had to re-stock a couple of things last week, so I’m on a VERY tight grocery budget for next week, but I think I can swing it all for around $35. I’m very lucky that I have a very well-stocked pantry and have a large stockpile of spices, rice, frozen veggies, that kind of thing. I also have a stockpile of soybeans and have been making my own tofu, which is fun and very cost-effective.
On the off chance anyone is interested, here’s my meal plan for next week:
Black beans and rice (using rice I have on hand)
Sichuan garlic tofu (using homemade tofu), rice, frozen broccoli
Penne and broccoli with cheddar cheese leftover from this week
Black bean tacos, cilantro-lime rice (using rice I have on hand, and leftover frozen corn)
Penne arrabiatta (already have a jar of pepperoncini in the fridge)
Broccoli cheddar brown rice casserole (using half bag of leftover brown rice)
Dumplings and spicy sauce (using the leftover soybean gunk from making tofu as the filling)
Potato and red lentil curry, rice (using leftover potatoes from this week and red lentils on hand)
My shopping list:
Pantry stuff:
1lb bag dried black beans ($1.79)
1 pkg Goya corn tortilals ($1.99)
4lb “family pack” box of penne ($3.49)
2 cans crushed tomatoes ($1.58)
1 can diced tomatoes ($0.79)
Cheap grated cheese ($2.99)
Condensed cream of broccoli soup ($1.69)
Gallon white vinegar for cleaning ($2.99)
Flour ($1.89)
Dairy
Sour cream ($1.79)
Produce
Bunch fresh cilantro ($1.99)
Small head of savoy cabbage ($0.75)
1 lime ($0.60)
1 carrot ($0.50??)
2 big green peppers ($2.00)
Bag onions ($1.99)
Frozzen
2 bags frozen broccoli ($2.00)
Hope this is helpful to some people!
I can’t copy this precisely because of pickiness/allergies, but this is really inspiring – I am moving house in about 6 weeks so I’m trying to go through some of my back-stores. Planning like this would be very useful, I think.
I would love to know how you make your tofu!
I use the process laid out in Andrea Nguyen’s book “Asian Tofu,” and I coagulate the rendered soymilk with epsom salts. Despite Andrea’s insistence that they make a “gritty” tofu, I have not at all found this to be the case.
The basic steps are that you soak soybeans (I use 9 oz for a slightly over 1lb batch of block tofu) overnight until soft. Then blend them and simmer them with an amount of water (edited, not milk!) related to the final use for the soybeans. For block tofu, you only need a “light” soy milk, so it’s like 8 or 10 cups of water. Then you strain it out into smaller pot, and proceed with coagulating. I can’t remember the exact measurements but it only takes a couple teaspoons of epsom salts dissolved in water to coagulate the soy milk (very similar to making ricotta or paneer out of cow’s milk!), and I follow her instructions on finessing the additions of the coagulant, which nets me lovely large curds, that I then drain and press in a shoddy homemade tofu press made out of some aluminum disposable loaf pans.
I highly recommend the book just for the incredibly detailed tofu-making instructions, but the recipes are also worth a look!
that’s so cool! i just read the section of sandor katz’ book about making your own tempeh, and i’d love to try it.
His new book or the old “Wild Fermentation” one with all the stuff about his weird commune and the super awful transphobic interlude about one of his commune-mates?
wild fermentation. i don’t even remember the transphobic stuff, probably because i can’t get past the wacky awful 90s cover design.
It’s truly awful. It starts under the “vegan alternatives” section in the dairy fermentation chapter, and includes many, MANY uses of the t-word. From context, it’s clear that he thinks that it’s an acceptable term to use, and his ideas on gender and trans-ness are incredibly retrograde, even for the early 2000s when this was published, FFS.
Thanks!
I love this! The food budget has been a big point of discussion lately at my house. We’ve been eating out too much, which is expensive and not as healthy as cooking at home.
Here’s my meal plan for the week:
Carrot Ginger Soup (got a great deal on a 5lb bag of organic carrots and my MIL brought over a huge amount of fresh ginger yesterday)
Braised Mushroom, Barley, and Brussels Bowls (From my current favorite cookbook, Salad Samurai by Terry Hope Romero)
Chickpea Quinoa Salad (using my weekly batch of quinoa)
Roasted Broccoli, Cauliflower and Garlic over lentils (and some of the quinoa, maybe add an egg on top)
Spaghetti with Roasted Red Pepper Sauce and Bean Balls with Kale (I got a huge bag of red peppers for $2 at Sprouts a couple of weeks ago and made a big batch of spag sauce. Bean balls are a freezer staple in my house)
Tofu stiryfry with whatever veggies are left in the fridge at the end of the week
How do you make your bean balls? I found a terrific recipe that uses eggs and ricotta, and I’d like to find something less tummy upsetting (eggs and dairy) and less spendy (ricotta).
I use Isa Chandra Moskowitz’ recipe from Veganomicon:
1 20-ounce can kidney beans, rinsed and rained (about 3 cups)
2 Tbsp soy sauce
2 Tbsp steak sauce
2 Tbsp olive oil
2 cloves garlic, grated or finely minced
1/4 tsp grated lemon zest
1/2 cup plain bread crumbs
1/4 vital wheat gluten (this makes them chewier, but you can substitute whole-wheat or all-purpose flour)
1/2 tsp dried oregano
1/4 tsp dried thyme
Instructions:
Preheat oven to 375F. Mash the kidney beans in a mixing bowl until no whole beans are left. (Start with a potato masher, then use a fork to get any rogue beans). You don’t want them to be completely smooth; you should still be able to recognize that they are kidney beans. Add the soy sauce, steak sauce, olive oil, garlic, lemon zest, bread crumbs, wheat gluten, and herbs and use a fork to mix everything together. Use your hands to knead the mixture for about a minute, until everything is really well combined and firm.
Roll the bean mixture into walnut-sized balls but don’t make them too big; smaller makes for the best texture.
Grease a rimmed baking sheet with olive oil. Place the balls on the sheet and drizzles them with a little more oil to coat [I sprayed Pam]. Bake for 15 minutes, until lightly browned on the bottom, then flip them and bake for another 10 minutes.
Yay, thank you! I love the PPK and wish she would go back to updating.
I too love Isa and the PPK. Do you follow her on social media? She seems to be doing some awesome stuff at her restaurant in Omaha. Now if only I had a good reason to go to Omaha.
But if you like the PPK, I highly recommend Terry’s cookbook Salad Samurai. I’m not a fan of all of Terry’s books on her own, but that one is damn good.
I don’t follow … Well, anyone really on social media, because I am An Old and basically I only have Facebook but I’m thrilled that her restaurant is doing well!
Do you have a recipe for the potato and red lentil curry? That sounds exactly like something I’d like to eat for lunch. I like using spices and herbs, but I’m really inept at judging by myself which ones will work well/how much I should add.
Yes! I will transcribe when I get back to my lappy!
Here you go, it’s from Rhagavan Iyer’s book “660 Curries,” which I highly recommend:
One-pot potatoes in a red lentil sauce with lime juice
1 cup split red lentils (masoor dal)
2 tbsp oil
2 tsp cumin seeds
1 small onion, finely chopped (he specifies red onion but I like yellow)
1 tbsp finely chopped fresh ginger
1-3 fresh green chiles (to taste) finely chopped (de-seed if you like less heat)
1 lb russet or Yukon Gold potatoes, peeled and diced in 1/2-inch cubes (submerge in cold water if you’re going to be a minute to prevent browning)
2 tsp salt
2 tsp cumin seeds, ground
1 tsp coriander seeds, ground
1 tsp turmeric
1 tbsp cilantro (if you have it and like it, I think it’s fine without)
juice of 1 lime
1. Rinse the lentils under running water or in a big bowl. Add the lentils and 2 cups of water and a dash of salt to a pot and bring to a boil, then simmer 10-12 minutes until they start to break down.
2. *You can do this while the lentils cook if you want* Heat the oil in a large skillet over medium heat. Sizzle the cumin seeds for 10 to 15 seconds. Add the onion, ginger, and chiles, and cook until the onion is starting to brown. He says 8 to 10 minutes but my burner is hotter than his and it usually takes 5 minutes 🙂
3. Add the potatoes to the skillet, along with the salt, ground cumin and coriander, turmeric, and cilantro. Stir-fry to toast the spices for a minute or two, until they smell terrific. Add 1/2 cup water and scrape the good stuff off the bottom of the pan, then simmer for 8-10 minutes until the potatoes are done.
4. Puree the lentils either using an immersion blender or by carefully transferring to a blender. Stir the pureed lentils into the potatoes and simmer for a few minutes so the flavors get to know each other. Stir in the lime juice off the heat and serve — you probably don’t even need rice, but some spicy lime pickle or some flatbreads might be nice!
Thank you! I know what I’m eating next week 😀
OH MY GOD. I am eating this right now for lunch and it is so freaking delicious it is brightening my whole day.
On Fri, Feb 19, 2016 at 4:26 PM, Sara Wolkov <[email protected]> wrote:
Thank you! I know what I’m eating next week 😀
i kind of love talking about this stuff, because when well-planned, it’s a very satisfying experience to buy the right things and make good food and not waste stuff.
personally, i don’t do coupons. i tried them, and i felt like i was always pushed into buying something i wouldn’t, or tricked into paying more with a discount than something else that is similar. so i gave up. i do make lists, but i have an elaborate shopping strategy, where i start at the farmer’s market, and then supplement at one of 3 local markets. so my lists and prices are kind of up in the air, and we stock a lot of pantry stuff so we can use everything on the fly without being too recipe-driven. but i do love a good recipe!
i don’t have a list to share, but 2 recipes i’m excited about. i guess i’m really breaking this thread’s precedents, sorry about that. i try to eat grain-free, so my shopping strategies are usually about keeping almond & coconut flour around and buying lots of extra eggs.
one is this paleo pad thai which i like for the use of broccoli slaw instead of noodles. i made mine backwards, in that i cooked the slaw first and then added cooked shrimp after. i want to try this out as a base for all kinds of things.
another are these lemon lavender blueberry muffins, using coconut flour. i’ve made them twice. they are fantastic! we have 2 lemon trees, and the slippery slope with lemon baking is that you use relatively little lemon and add a bunch of sugar to your life. these taste good with minimal honey, so, it’s a win!
My routine during the farmer’s market season is way different, and lemme tell ya, I miss cheap fresh veggies SO BAD. I live in a very cold part of the country and it’s not only dark and cold all the time but nothing grows.
Speaking of picking things up at different places, I hope I’m not the only person who keeps actual lists of things that are cheaper at Trader Joe’s vs. Wegmans vs. Indian store vs. Korean market!
ITA about coupons btw. Until the paper starts printing coupons for fresh veggies or dried beans I will use the ones Wegmans sends me for store brand paper towels and dishswasher detergent and leave the rest 🙂
i don’t have lists of things that are cheaper at TJs, but I have staples that I always get there for that same reason. we always get coffee, cheese, oils, canned fish, nuts, coconut flour & frozen meat there, except olive oil since I have a favorite they don’t carry. sometimes wine.
you’re reminding me about the other groceries too, we have a japanese market that i have a short list for. we also have an indie market that is like a blend of TJs and Whole Foods, and I have some favorite things I only get there. and I moved over to Target for paper goods, because I also have to buy cat litter, and Target is one of the few places that carries my favorite kind. So many errands!
i totally understand about living in a cold place. i’m in southern california, and i’ll shut up about it. ha.
do you think I could use buckwheat, or even regular flour, instead of coconut flour in your muffin recipe? should I add in extra fats if I do?
The recipe looks great but I am feeling budget-y myself and don’t wish to go out and buy coconut flour specially to make this — would love to make it from what’s already in the pantry. Thanks for any tips on substituting coconut flour!
Actually, coconut flour is its own whole deal, and behaves differently than anything with gluten, with higher fat & egg [or chia] ratios than traditional flour. It’s not something you can directly substitute, they have all their own recipes.
If you’re looking to make a traditional muffin, I’d just look up a typical blueberry muffin recipe and add in the lemon zest and lavender. You won’t have to offset any other ingredients, since these 2 things are so small.
oh wow, i missed the part about 6 eggs going along with coconut flour! never mind!
you are right, i found what looks like a good buckwheat blueberry muffin recipe that i can just flavor with lemon and lavender (which, strangely enough, is already part of my pantry supplies and needs to be used up!)
thanks!
I don’t do my meal planning until Saturday, usually, but since I’ll totally be stealing all of your ideas I feel like I should contribute. Here’s last week’s meal plan:
Sunday: Breakfast – eggs and toast, Lunch – leftover red beans and rice, Dinner – went out for Valentine’s Day, prepped for the rest of the week by cooking some leftover farmer’s sausage, hardboiling eggs, and cooking a bunch of wild rice blend
Monday: Breakfast – apple mug muffin thing, Lunch – rice bowls with a hardboiled egg, bit of sausage, cucumber, and sliced red cabbage with nutritional yeast dressing (it’s good, really!), Dinner – pork chop with cabbage, feta, and date salad which is leftover from Saturday, Snack – banana with peanut butter
Tuesday: Breakfast – same, Lunch – same, Dinner – was the boyfriend’s day to cook and he made tacos, Snacks – banana and peanut butter
Wednesday: Breakfast – same, Lunch – same but with pickled carrots in place of the cucumber, Dinner – lemon pepper tuna burger with homemade red cabbage kimchi, Snack – banana and peanut butter
Thursday: Breakfast – same, Lunch – basically the same but with kimchi in place of the sliced cabbage, Dinner – leftover tuna burger with green salad, Snack
Friday: Breakfast – same, Lunch – same, Dinner – crockpot vegetarian chili and parsnip-black pepper biscuits
I tend to eat the same thing for lunch and breakfast for an entire week but change it up between weeks. Also, I have trouble with being overwhelmed while trying to plan so I made some guidelines to make it easier. Each week I try and have at least one vegetarian meal (used to do one meat dish per wek only, but between my calorie counting and the boyfriend’s aversion to all types of beans or anything carb-heavy it’s tough so we eat lots more meat), one crock pot meal, one seafood meal, and one soup-type. I often don’t follow that, but it provides some direction when I’m floundering.
I’m not sure how much it all cost, probably about $140-160, which is our typical grocery bill per week.
Apple Mug Muffin Thing?? Do tell! I love muffins more than life.
I have two! It is so nice to have something warm on cold mornings and I’ve gotten bored of oatmeal. I make a week’s worth of them in mason jars on Sunday night with all the wet ingredients in one jar in the fridge and the dry ingredients in individual jars on the counter. In the morning all I have to do is put a couple of spoonfuls of wet into the dry jar and microwave for 2 minutes. It’s so fast!
There’s this apple muffin that I modify because I don’t eat paleo, so I replace the almond flour with 2 tbsp whole wheat flour and 1 tbsp oat bran (you need to add some water/milk/liquid if you do this because the flour absorbs more than almond meal), and replace the egg with a flax egg (1/2 tbsp ground flax meal and 1 tbsp water) and I mix the toppings into the muffin. And sometimes I add half a scoop of unflavoured protein powder to make it more filling.
I have also done this gingerbread pumpkin one which is also really good. I also add protein powder to that one.
Yesss, I love this kind of stuff! I haven’t had much money lately, but I’ve been successfully getting by on about $25 a week for groceries, thanks to Budget Bytes and actually using up the stuff in my fridge/pantry.
Here’s my meal plan for next week. I live alone so I usually pick one recipe each for breakfast, lunch, and dinner and live off the leftovers all week, throwing in snacks (a lot of peanut butter toast), improvising meals, or going out to eat to fill in the gaps.
Breakfast: Savory oatmeal with fried egg, Parmesan, black pepper, and green onions – (my version of this recipe and my current obsession – I love savory breakfasts!), avocado sriracha breakfast pita (recipe here)
Lunch: Curried red lentil and pumpkin soup (recipe here)
Dinner: Broccoli cheddar casserole (I saw it posted here in a couple past open threads, recipe here)
Snack: Chai-spiced scones (recipe here) with tea
Grocery list (I already have most of the staples so I won’t have to buy much):
Green onions
Yellow onion
Avocados
Baby spinach
Ginger
1 can pumpkin puree
1 lb frozen broccoli
1 bag brown rice
Butter
Milk
Flour
Pita pockets
We learned to make America’s Test Kitchen Hot Crab Dip the other week, and yes it requires TWO BLOCKS of cream cheese which makes it DELICIOUS. And I have no regrets.
Any new recipes you’ve tested and can rec?
It’s not a recipe per se, but a combo – I made a boxed chocolate cake, topped it with homemade cream cheese frosting (with very little powdered sugar), and topped it with blueberries, pine nuts, and dried dill. It was very weird and most excellent and got rave reviews, even from the skeptics.
Soft pretzels! The recipe isn’t new but I always forget about it and then when I make them I’m surprised at how easy and delicious they are! http://smittenkitchen.com/blog/2007/02/knotted-an…
I made this slow cooker chicken curry last weekend and it turned out really well! I cut the vegetables smaller than they suggested, added some carrots and sweet potatoes, and used chicken breasts instead of thighs. http://www.realsimple.com/food-recipes/browse-all…
I love her whole blog but Lady and Pup’s West Lake Hybrid soup got rave reviews last weekend from roommates and lovers: http://ladyandpups.com/2013/11/15/the-west-lake-h…. .
Toasties, it’s been a bad month so far. I’ve been enjoying my own personal fun-size crossed conditions and would appreciate some good vibes.
I got accepted to my department’s masters program and all the teachers highly recommended me and wanted me there. The problem is, I’m just not qualified for a TAship. I knew going into the interview I wasn’t qualified and wasn’t likely to get it, but yesterday they finally told me they weren’t taking me (they want me to spend a couple more years in Japan first since despite being half I’ve never lived there for a really long stretch at once). I knew it was coming but it still hurts like hell and I cried a lot on the bus home. There’s no money for me to join the grad program without a TAship and I feel like I’m going to get in a Career Rut if I take the couple of years away that they recommend (for money reasons I didn’t get to go to college immediately like most of my classmates, so I’m as old as or older than most of the current MA students in my department even though I’m finishing my BA).
So! Tips for coping with academic rejection? I mean, I know I need to get good at this because as I keep progressing I won’t be accepted into even 10% of the things I apply to.
I once had a fiction professor who said that when you got a rejection, you should “say five Hail Marys and ten Fuck Yous.” I am more of the “five ‘I am awesome and worthwhile’ses, ten Fuck Yous, and one glass of cider/wine” persuasion, but the point is, the more you can practice not letting it cut you deep, and the more you can accept that no matter how much you practice those cuts will still hurt, the better you will be equipped for the next one. If it is any comfort, in the course of three years of living with my parents after college I got 32 graduate application rejections and one acceptance that finally had (some) funding attached. So you are not alone.
Thank you, this is very helpful to hear!
Thinking about it, a huge part of my problem is that the rejections are like one-ups for my impostor syndrome, who then uses them as a soapbox from which it screeches, “See? See? You’re an underqualified fraud and they’ve found you out! They know! They knoooooooow!”
Oh I feel you. I spent my first year of my master’s program fearing someone would come tap me on the shoulder and tell me there had, in fact, been a mistake and I was not supposed to be in the program at all.
I think perspective is important; keep in mind how little you’ll probably think of this rejection in 20 years.
I have had a very fragmented education experience. Had to leave school a few times because of family/personal/financial stuff that kept cropping up. I’ve dealt with a lot of rejections because of that, but I eventually was able to get to a good school that was willing to take a chance on me (U Penn). I didn’t finish my BA until I was 29. I worked for a few years and then I went back and got my MA in London; just graduated last month at the age of 34. I was older than nearly everyone, but it didn’t really matter to me because I knew it was something I wanted to do. If you know what you want to do, try like hell to do it. If you’re not successful, forgive yourself, re-evaluate, and either try again or move on. When you’re looking at grad school and funding, you cannot think of it as a reflection on your own self worth. Same advice holds for job searches too. Places are so limited that you just have to accept the fact that unless you happen to be an Olympian with a 160 IQ and a research idea that will revolutionize knowledge in your field…the odds aren’t in your favor. Don’t judge yourself for it.
I cope with academic rejection by reminding myself that even my super-successful science heroes went through serious rejections. George Church straight-up flunked out of his first PhD program at Duke, but then went on to get his PhD from Harvard. When Bonnie Bassler was applying for faculty positions, she applied for a bazillion jobs but only got two interviews. She was offered only one job, at Princeton, and now she’s the chair of that department.
Also, maybe I should mention that I started college late and took a few years to work before starting grad school, and it was without a doubt one of the best decisions of my life. Maybe if you take a couple of years away, you’ll be glad that you didn’t get this TA-ship, because having that extra experience will make you qualified for a bunch of other opportunities.
It does at least sound like they would be willing to accept you for a TAship down the road (and! they did want you in the program!), so you shouldn’t consider this a closed door. I don’t know if the issue is that they are concerned about a language/cultural barrier, but you *did* get into the MA, so this isn’t really a rejection. It’s a “try again” that actually comes with useful feedback.
I say this as an ex-academic, too. Honestly, I wish I *had* taken time between my BA and grad school. It’s good to have more job and life experience as a way to keep perspective down the road when grad programs get ridiculous. Also–and I do not know your age or your field of study, so grain of salt if needed–in the long run, it probably won’t matter that much if you got an MA at 28 or 30 or 32 or 40. You’ve got decades to go before retirement, regardless. Your path may change many times before then. You could take to the sea.
You know, I got rejected a lot during my job hunt and it hurt every time, and especially hurt when i was closest to getting it and it felt like a great fit. One thing that I think is worth asking yourself is if this is the thing you know you should do with your life. If it is, then I think it gives you resiliency to keep at it in the face of rejection. I kind of started to say that in my job hunt. Like, “screw you, I know this is what I’m supposed to be doing, its your loss. But you can’t get rid of me! I’ll apply to everything until I’m in this field! EVERYTHING!” And that’s what happened.
Also, if they’re telling you what they need you to do it’s good information. They’re saying you need to be more immersed. That’s information you can use to decide what you want to do. One option is to follow what they want you do to and come back to this place. The other option is to find something equivalent that doesn’t have that requirement.
I think sit down, get a clear sense of what the final thing is that you want to be and then kind of map out several paths to get there. Then you pick an approach or approaches. Ok I’m taking path one. Lets see where it goes. Being rejected is a sign you tried. You get 0% of the things you never apply for, so a rejection is at least a step in the right direction, it meant you were in the running and all you have to do is it hit the target once. See it as whittling away at the problem- ok I got three rejections. If I get 6 more I’ll be on target for my 10% chance. Plus by application 8, you’ll be a pro with lots of practice in the questions.
Qualifications are important, in that it’s helpful to figure out what qualifications make you attractive as a candidate and aim to meet them, but overall different people look for different things, so I think you can disregard your imposter syndrome. I know it’s easier said than done, but there are always incompetent people who get things, so it’s irrelevant whether or not you are good or bad, its only relevant that the people who accept you think you are good. At least for me this goes, “I don’t care if I’m the best for the job, although I know I’m good, because I WANT IT. It’s irrelevant to me if I’m perfect or not, I just need to convince them that I am, because then I get the thing I want”.
I had an offer and a full ride to a program in another city. Because of my divorce agreement I couldn’t leave to take it without giving my ex custody of my kids. Everything I’d prepared for seemed out of reach and I took my local, second best MA offer. It cost me a 20k loan. It turned out that I ended up in a research position much better at the non-research university. Not only that, the original choice had a larger department and I wouldn’t have been high enough in the ranks to go to the sites I was able to with the smaller school.
Then I graduated with my MA and thought I was taking a full time job. However the job didn’t pan out and a year and a half later I”m now back at the same school. I was upset that I had lost the time and wished I had enrolled earlier. If I had, I would be forced to re-start due to one of my advisors being under probation, so I’ve saved myself a year and a half of research I’d have had to dump anyway. Now I’m in a very good position, in the meantime my other advisor has gotten a promotion and an NSF grant, and I have full funding for all my dissertation research. In another area of of the world that I”d never have dreamed I’d get to go see. I will not tell you “everything happens for a reason”==that’s bullshit. But some of my disappointments actually *did* open other windows as the cliche goes. BTW, it took me 4 schools and 10 years to get my undergrad. I’ll be almost 50 when I get my PhD. It will be ok.
For those of you who remember last week’s thread about potentially dating a coworker, so far I haven’t really spoken to crush this week (we have just had some slightly stilted small-talk at work) so I now I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO THINK.
I have coped by drinking gin at the pub on my lunch break with work buddy and booking a trip to visit my friend in Milan in 2 weeks so I can eat all the amazing foods in an attempt not to care. One day I will stop using booking holidays as a coping mechanism, but that day is NOT TODAY.
Okay so non-Toast Post related: My now-husband and I have a wedding gift of a free weekend at a relative’s vacation home in Phoenix. We’re trying to time our trip to see one of our sportsball teams when they’re playing in PHX (neither of us live near our hometowns anymore) but it also occurred to me I should keep an eye out on concert venues in the area to see who’s playing where and when. BUT, I don’t know concert venues in Phoenix and Toast recommendations are much more fun than googling! So I ask you Toasties: what places should I get on mailing lists for?
Not sure how big of a place you’re looking for or are interested in a particular type of music, but Crescent Ballroom downtown is cool, as is the same owners’ Valley Bar. Enjoy Phoenix!
New England Toasties!
Every Year, Smith College runs Conbust, a sci-fi/fantasy/anime/gaming convention with a focus on the female members of the participating community. Tamora Pierce and Holly Black will be there this year (as well as a bunch of other lovely people, check the website). As an alum, I usually run a discussion panel or two, this year the one I’m doing the most work on is a discussion of FOOD in fantasy/scifi.
So, Toasties, consider this my personal invitation to you to come to Conbust! It’s lots of fun, it’s small and friendly, it’s NOT just college kids, and I’d love to meet more of you crazy kids in person. If you have any questions, I’m happy to answer them (although I won’t have a LOT of free time this afternoon, I’ll be back around in the evening,)
Also, if anyone wants to talk about their favorite food items of Fantasy/Scifi/etc, tell me about them! I have lots of ideas (my shortlist includes Star Trek, Roald Dahl, Harry Potter, Narnia*, Hitchhiker’s Guide*, Redwall, Firefly, Copperbadge’s Fanfic, etc etc etc….. But I’m always happy to hear about the ones that stick out to YOU!)
*and the pieces by Jess Zimmerman about them
Merp, I live in that area and had no idea this was going on! Definitely would appreciate meeting more Toasts if we can get a thing going.
Oh no, that’s the same weekend as my professional conference (any NEA Toasties here?), which is a shame because Holly Black is my FAV. But thank you so much for sharing this, I had no idea this was a thing at all, so now I can be on the lookout for next year!
Whoa! I’ve lived here for four years (I can just about see Smith from my apartment) and had no idea this was a thing! Tamora Pierce pretty much single-handedly got me through middle school. I met her once when I was like 12 and it was the best thing that had ever happened in my short, awkward life.
you know, somehow I made it through five years at Smith without actually going to Conbust once. I always, ALWAYS missed the fact that it was going on until after it’d finished.
No, I don’t know how either.
three of my four years, it was the same weekend as collegiate club fencing nationals, so i only got to go one year while a student. I’ve gone a bunch as an alum.
Jup, jup, jealous again that you US-people have all the fun and authors. Harrumph.
Conbust rocks and I love it and I hope to be there.
My co-worker just brought in his 5 week old baby and it was soooooo tiny. & my boss’s puppy was in the office yesterday wearing a tiny doggy sweatshirt, so really my work is pulling through on the cute factor this week.
My two favorite things in the entire world are Animals with Jobs followed very closely by Animals in Clothes. Babies are cool too, I guess.
I just held a month-old baby at work today! Totally unexpected and fun. Until I touched him with my icy-cold hands and he started to cry.
Okay Toasties, we just found out that we’re moving to Fort Bragg, North Carolina this summer. Anyone have recommendations on areas to live (preferably with good preschools and elementary schools and decent grocery stores)? Things to do? Restaurants to eat at?
Ugh, today was supposed to be a day off, even though I brought work home with me, and now it’s open thread, and I’ve been working all morning, and I haven’t even started teh work that needs to be done for Sunday morning.
I have the fireplace going, and am not wearing a bra – this is a close to work/life balance that I can achieve today.
/whining
Toasts, I am a little sad.
I have PTSD. Four years ago, on the one year anniversary of the event, I had to go into hospital. Since then, the anniversary has never been… fun, but I’ve gotten past it. But this year the friend I normally spent it with is, not available as a friend, shall we say, and I’ve found myself at a loss as to what to do, so at the suggestion of my psychiatrist, I’m going back into the hospital for five days or so over this year’s anniversary.
I was really worried about the anniversary, because it’s a rough time of year and I knew I was going to miss my no-longer-present friend badly too, so I am relieved to find a solution which works and will keep me safe and able to bounce back from the turmoil fairly quickly, but on the other hand I find myself feeling pretty conflicted about going back into hospital again. I had done so well staying out for four whole years! And now here I am again. It’s a pretty different situation (I’m referring to it as a maintenance visit, while the last one was absolutely crisis care), but it’s a little saddening all the same. I know it’s the right choice — I feel much more calm now I have a safe and good solution to the looming problem — but it’s still a little hard.
I’m really sorry you’re facing this, but (if it’s not weird for a stranger to say) I’m really, really proud of you for making the choice to go into hospital for the maintenance visit. Such a different situation, and something you chose rather than being foisted on you. I’m sending good energy your direction.
I think it’s really normal to feel bummed that you’re going to the hospital. Because staying out of the hospital for the past four years really meant you were handling the anniversary in a healthy way! And that’s something fantastic to hold onto and be proud of.
This time, though, going to the hospital means that you’re handling the anniversary in a healthy way! It probably feels so different, but the truth is, you’re not regressing. You’re moving forward by facing two hard things–the anniversary and the ickiness of your own PTSD and need for help–at the same time. You’re doing both!
I hope that this hospital time is 5 days of safety which helps you grow and keep progressing. I hope you get to spend some time reading your favorite books or watching your favorite tv or whatever it is that helps you through. And I’m so, so, so, very happy that you’ll be safe. It’s okay that you’re sad about this. It’s also okay to give yourself a break.
When we get an oil change and then take the car back in for another one 3000 miles later, it’s not because the first one failed. It IS maintenance care.
I think it’s really commendable that you’re making a proactive choice. Don’t let it feel like failure to do what’s best for you.
Adding my voice to the chorus of “you are pretty damn awesome” for making such good decisions about your health. I hope you come out the other side thinking “that was just what I needed” and that the next many months until the next anniversary are peaceful.
You are still doing really well! You are doing really well at taking care of yourself, by acknowledging that this is what you need and planning ahead. I can imagine that it’s really hard and scary, but it sounds like you are doing something positive to take care of yourself. That’s not easy.
I don’t know if this is something that would help, but is there something you could do to reward yourself after you’ve finished your maintenance visit? It would give you something to look forward to and might also help you to reframe the experience. Like, “because I was brave and did the right thing and went to the hospital, now I get to go do X thing that I am really excited about! Go me!” Just an idea.
This sounds like a hard time and I wish the best for you.
… maybe I will buy something nice. I will have no energy when I get out, I know myself that well, and I have to get stuck back into university work straight away, but maybe something to buy…
I am really impressed at how you are taking care of yourself in this situation. That is smart and proactive and responsible. I wish I could get my level of self-care up to that example. It’s a challenging goal. I am really happy for you.
Thank you Toasts. I feel a little bit better.
I’m really sorry that you’re going through this. Please don’t be sad! Having to go back doesn’t mean you’re not doing well. It means you’re being good at finding a strategy that will help you. It’s just a maintenance visit, too. I know this is easy to say as a stranger and I understand why you’d feel this way, though. Just know that it doesn’t sound like a step back.
This has been a week of ups and downs (but mostly ups!):
Bad:
-a guy who was briefly interested in me and for whom I was harboring unrequited feelings for a few months decided he wanted to date someone else which was a bummer
-I am very behind on schoolwork after gallivanting in NYC for a weekend
Good:
-I realized that I DO NOT REQUIRE A MAN TO GET BY and decided to stop giving a shit about dumb boys
-I made it into the finalist pool for an internship at the Museum of Natural History in DC
-I started exploring options to study abroad in Australia next year which has been a lifelong dream
-I rediscovered my passion for my first love: Hamilton
As a procrastination tool yesterday I made a playlist ranking all the Hamilton songs. What are your top five? (The Room Where It Happens, Satisfied, The Schuyler Sisters, Non-stop, Helpless) Which ones do you always skip and feel a little bad about? (Farmer Refuted, The Story of Tonight)
Happy Friday Toasties, you poetic noble land-mermaids!
Mine are “Satisfied”, “My Shot”, “Dear Theodosia”, “One Last Time”, and “Quiet Uptown”. Apparently I like awesome raps and also weeping.
These are also my favorite- we can weep together at least haha.
I think my top five are Burn, It’s Quiet Uptown, Non-Stop, Yorktown and Right-Hand Man, but it’s tricky. I also skip The Story of Tonight, and quite a lot of Act 2, I am ashamed to say.
I skip Say No to This without any guilt. The Story of Tonight and Dear Theodosia, on the other hand…
My top five are probably Burn, The Room Where it Happens, Wait For It, Cabinet Battle 2, and Washington on Your Side. Which is really strange, because at first I thought Act Two was dead boring. Now that I have a better handle on the lyrics and character arcs, they’ve switched places.
I skip Your Obedient Servant because I find it unbearably dull, and then I feel guilty because it’s like the CRUX of the thing, but musically it’s so meh.
My played counts tell me that my favorites are “Washington on Your Side” and “Guns and Ships,” so apparently I’m all about Daveeeeed. I also tend to do frequent runs of the first three songs as well as “Helpless”/”Satisfied” over and over again.
I tend to skip (but not always!) the family songs in Act 2 because honestly, I don’t care about upstate or mistresses or Philip. CAN WE GET BACK TO POLITICS
Omg, I LOVE “Farmer Refuted,” I find it so clever and love the music behind it too. My top faves are “Wait for It” and “The Room Where It Happens,” followed by “Helpless,” “Satisfied,” “Non-Stop,” “Guns and Ships,” “Hurricane,” “Burn,” “Right-Hand Man,” and of course “Alexander Hamilton.”
I skip “Story of Tonight,” “Schuyler Sisters” (I know), “That Would Be Enough,” “Blow Us All Way” (TOO SAD), “What’d I Miss?”, and “Say No to This.”
I also realized last night that I can rap the full version (cut from the musical) of “The Adams Administration” (the open letter to President John Adams), which pleases me indeed. That’s definitely one of my top favorites, even though it didn’t make it to the musical — I hope it does in the Chicago or San Francisco runs.
Mine (not in order): The Schuyler Sisters, Satisfied, Helpless, Non-Stop, Wait For It
I skip Farmer Refuted, Schuyler Defeated and sometimes Say No To This
I am apparently the only person who can take or leave Satisfied and Helpless. I can, however, listen to The Room Where it Happens over and over, with Wait for It a close second and the title track and My Shot being the ones I probably listen to the most because of all the times I start it and don’t finish it and also I love them.
Suprising/Not Suprising
Lately I’ve been seeing an above average amount of news articles about male professors being accused of or fired for sexual harassment, which obviously has been going on since forever, but I guess now things are (starting) to be done about it. And since my own university is having a lovely Title IX investigation in which I was interviewed for yesterday, I’m just curious:
Got any weird/creepy professor stories? Stories about investigations? Stories where those creepers were sacked? Stories where there were accountability?
Let’s just say the interviewer yesterday looked horrified and angry in the wake of dozens of interviews and I’m curious.
My high school sociology teacher once told our class that she frequently witnessed male teachers talking about female students’ hot outfits in the teachers’ lounge which was pretty upsetting. At the same school, a younger social studies teacher ended up dating one of his former students right after she graduated (so probably something was going on prior to that) and suffered no consequences. A gym teacher at my middle school was fired after a couple of members of the girls’ basketball team reported him for sexual misbehavior (I don’t remember the exact details because I was still in elementary school at the time). I never realized how many of these stories I had…
Oxford had a charming situation where a philosophy professor harassed a student to the point of suicide. The professor was kept on with absolutely no consequences and weirdly even the activist community greeted it with a big “meh” because we just assume that this is the sort of shit the university will pull?
Not a professor, but several years ago I had an internship where my employer was… kind of crass, but generally a good person, or so I thought. Actually liked the guy a lot, he worked pretty hard to find me a permanent job in the field and wrote me some great recommendations. Last year a different person in that workplace resigned in shame because of an inappropriate relationship with an intern. Oh, geez, I’m telling all my friends. Good thing I worked for a more upstanding individual when I was there.
A few weeks later I hear that another intern has stepped forward to report a different case of sexual harassment in the same building. Guess who! Yeah.
I wrote out a couple stories but then realized they needed trigger warnings and ended unsatisfactorily. So yeah, I’m not going to put those out into the world today. Are there actually stories about male professors being held accountable?
Let’s see….. Yes, no, no, and definitely no. Lolsob.
Yeah, that about sums it up.
Freshman year of college, I had a science professor who was charming, funny, young, and attractive (for a professor). He always seemed a little flirty with the girls in my class. I eventually learned that he had a habit of targeting and making advances on young, often vulnerable, female freshman (some of whom were my friends). With those who were charmed by his attention he would have sex or hook up during his office hours, and often would exchange grades for sex. He did all this in a very manipulative, faux-romantic way, so these too-young-to-know-better girls often thought he was in love with them. And everyone loved this professor, so it was hard for people to think negatively of him. Some guys I knew laughed it off and just thought of it as a cool professor getting it in with his students. Basically, it was almost an open secret. But eventually faculty found out through the sheer force of enough girls in his class knowing about it and banding together, and the professor got suspended then fired. Also, he was married to his former grad student when all this went down. Anyway, glad he got his comeuppance!
My junior year of college, my roommate was dating a professor, and HE USED TO COME TO OUR DORM ROOM TO HAVE SEX WITH HER. Roommate would give me a heads-up and I would run like the wind to my friend’s dorm on the other side of campus.
I should clarify that she was a little older than most of us, at 23, but that doesn’t make it much better, does it?
I had a Latin teacher in high school who, aside from being a terrible teacher, was sketchy as hell. He told a pregnant girl that she “should have kept her legs closed.” And then he was fired! Every now and again there are repercussions for gross men.
there was a notoriously creepy 8th grade science teacher who always picked certain girls as TAs to spend a lot of time alone with him. Everyone complained and nothing ever happened.
also, in high school a teacher was fired for sleeping with a student (who was probably around 16). The senior/junior classes held a sit in to protest because they all loved the teacher. Ughh.
Not creepy, really, but still shitty: I was emotionally abused by not one, but TWO teachers in middle/high school. Both are still gainfully employed, and after reporting the first one, I was forced to apologize to him. So.
We also had a basketball coach fired for sleeping with half (HALF!) of his freshman/sophomore team. Epitome of yike.
I had a shitty experience with a happy(ish) ending so I like sharing it. Basically, I worked with a postdoc in a former lab who was a complete condescending ass. I thought he didn’t like me because I was an undergrad, turns out he just hated all the women in the lab. This was brought up with the PI and HR, and things were kind of handled, but I also left the lab (for unrelated reasons) so put it out of my mind.
About two years later, I saw he was interviewing for a faculty position at my school and PANICKED. I figured I could avoid him (and to be clear, this guy was a dick but I never felt threatened by him) but I thought he would be a really shitty PI, especially for other young women. After a lot of stress about whether it was appropriate to bring this up, whether I would be taken seriously, etc, I approached my (male) PI about it and he was AMAZING. He was super receptive, horrified and disgusted by my story, completely validated my decision to bring this forward, and agreed that that was not the kind of person they wanted to hire and bring into our community, which was hugely comforting. So boo to people being horrible abusive misogynists, but yay for the fact that there are also lots of people in actual positions of power who want those things to change.
“If I had killed him when I met him, I’d be out of prison by now.” Literally.
It’s been 18 months since I left him and four weeks since our divorce was finalized, he is currently incarcerated, and I have not seen him outside of a courtroom in over a year. And yet. He is still capable of being a controlling manipulative abuser. He has knowingly, maliciously, created yet another situation that I am legally bound to unravel.
I have stood in front of a judge 13 times since I left him and stood up for myself, my children and our right to a pursuit of happiness. – I am weary of going into battle.
Though I have never commented on the Toast before, I am a faithful reader of the articles and the comments and I see so many of you as role models. There are so many strong women in this community and I have often taken strength from you even though you didn’t know it.
Today is just one of those “crying in the bathroom at work” kind of days and I think I just need someone to help me put my armor back on.
Oh, I am sorry. You are very strong. You are very strong to have kept fighting for so long, and I know you’re still strong. I am sorry that someone is making you have to use that strength so much when you shouldn’t have to.
You can do this.
You’ve survived so much – you got out, you stood up for your kids. No doubt you are tired; but you still have strength left, and it might suck, but you will get through the next challenge too; and years from now you will look back, and be amazed at your strength, courage and tenacity
You’ve got this. Let me just tighten the strap on your shield and straighten your breastplate before you go back out.
This all sounds incredibly difficult, I’m so sorry you are entwined with such a nasty shitbag. I don’t have any personal experience to offer, but I’d be more than happy to post some pictures of cute creatures or gifs of snarky ladies?
HUGS You are strong as all hell and your armor looks great.
Oh, my dear. You are so strong and so wonderful. You are doing absolutely the right things for yourself and your kids. Thanks for letting us be your shoulder to lean on. We are here for you.
You can do this! Your armor is super shiny in some places, and battered to hell in others. Proof positive of how hard you can fight not just to survive, but LIVE.
this sounds so hard. you just have to keep getting out until you don’t have to anymore.
we’ll keep polishing your armor for you, until you can hang it up for good.
All the internet stranger love to you. You’ve stood up, you will stand up again. And remember that love begets love. Wave “hi” and “bye” to the shit, watch it sail in front of you and past you, however slowly, but you don’t need to ride on that shit ship. The Toast loves you, you love your kids, you love yourself. And do something joyful, like sleep, or make your favorite dinner, or watch a movie as a family. Think of the armor as a protective love fortress for yourself and your family, not hatred of the situation.
You can do this. It is hard and it hurts, but you are strong and amazing and should never feel less than that. <3 hugs.
You are my role model! It’s incredible what you’ve done so far, and what you’ve been through and survived, and how strong you are! We are all here for you, to help get the armor back on, to help take it off when you need a rest, and to cheer you from the sidelines. Lots of love to you and your children.
Hello,
First-time commenter as well, largely precipitated by drunkenness. But I just wanted to let you know that I support you. Physically, I am on another continent. I left my abusive ex, and while he languished in jail, I pursued my dream to live in India. Now I am preparing to visit my (consistently wonderful) family in the U.S. for the first time since he has been out of prison, and it is scary. I know if you have gone through this much hell, it is well worth it. I had to plan leaving my ex multiple times, and he stymied my plans (all except for the all-important last time).
You viscerally know the change in your daily attitude – believing that life is worth living and that hope is an appropriate response. It is all worth it. He is not worthy of breaking down your armour… because his tactics are weak.
Lots and lots of love and solidarity…
You are amazing, and I am in awe of you. I am so glad that your children have a warrior like you to stand before them.
He will not win. You have already won.
Have you ever see problemglyphs? Problemglyphs.org I sometimes find them really inspiring and empowering, and for some reason your post made me think of them. http://problemglyphs.org/post/111807575042/anonym… http://problemglyphs.org/post/120805081692/burn-i…
You are a champion. You have gone so far and done so much, to protect yourself and your children. I am sorry your road is not over, but you can do this, and someday it will be completely over.
I’ll hold your shield for you. Someday, you won’t need it. It will be a great day. For now? Every good day? You made those days. You can make more, and so much as we can, we’ve got your back.
Thank you to all of you ladies for your awesome words of encouragement. The tears from this morning were from frustration but the tears from this afternoon have come from awe at your support. I am ready to take him on.
5 years later and the anniversary of the divorce final decree, and he’s filing for a custody change, meaning yet again I have to get a lawyer and fight mine. I am cory coakley AT hotmail DOT com. Mine isn’t in jail but only because beating up his girlfriend to get her to leave worked and so they dropped the charges.
This year he got written up as a model businessman in the local business news.
You are doing very very well.
There are a number of women on the board Survivinginfidelity.com with absolutely the degree of narcissistic hell you are going through. I only lurk there but there are some old-timers who can give you very good advice and empathy and will understand exactly what you are going through. I can point you toward their usernames if you’d like.
He’s cost me upwards of 30k, jobs, my house, school plans, messed up my kids, I get it. I still spend some days just fantasizing about his car in a flaming wreck.
*hands you a shield and a sword* You got this!
I feel like I had all sorts of good open thread stuff this week, but at 11 p.m. last night, right as I’d fallen asleep on my couch, Mr. Mad Editor got a call from his mother with the shocking news that my (future) father in law has cirrhosis of the liver and pulmonary fibrosis and a million other horrible medical problems caused by long-undetected hemochromatosis, which is a genetic condition that causes you to absorb more 4x the amount of iron in his blood than is normal or healthy. My in laws are all very scared, and didn’t know what to do. His doctors said that he really needs to get into a premier hospital equipped to deal with it, but the lines are very long and getting in is nearly impossible.
I immediately bolted up and stayed up late doing research. I called my grandmother first thing in the morning, because she runs a lab out of a research institute at a medical school (and has a weird passion for hematology). She’s going into work to talk to all the specialists and get their take. I sent an email at 8:30 a.m. to my author, a big deal liver specialist at Harvard Medical School/nicest guy on the planet, about first steps. He sent me an email IMMEDIATELY back that was like, “I”ll call you at 9:15.” Mr. Mad Editor and I talked to him on speaker phone for about half an hour, and my author gave us a whole schpeal about what it is, how it works, what needs to be done, etc. Then, he said, “email me his tests, I’ll look him over, and refer to him a colleague.” LIKE THAT. I don’t know this doctor particularly well, we haven’t known each other for long at all, our relationship is professional, and he kind of came into my life out of sheer luck, but he just dropped everything to help my family.
And though it’s scary, I feel this overwhelming sense of community and goodness. And after years of feeling so outsidery with my in laws, I feel really really really good to welcome them into how my family handles crisis situations. All hands on deck. And you do everything you can to make sure the sick person isn’t carrying the weight of figuring out how to navigate it. And it’s the first time I’ve had a sense of what it means to be a real daughter in law–to organize, to spring into gear, to make calls, to delegate care tasks, because I’m not going through the same emotional process as the immediate family. So though it TOTALLY SUCKS, it’s a thick silver lining for me.
I would love some toast hugs, but also like to know how others have felt in these tricky in-law situations. What were the things you guys did to feel more united as a family unit?
(((Toasthugs))) I don’t have any particular advice, but everything you’ve said so far sounds like the right thing to do to me.
Wow wow wow! This is amazing! You’re really rounding up an army, which is awesome. Your in-laws are lucky to have you, and so is Mr. Editor. Toast hugs to you!!!
I am maybe going to be getting a promotion that doubles my salary but it’s only in the sounding-out stage right now, and I have to talk to the hiring manager and director next week and it’s so stressful. What if they decide to change the position and I’m no longer a good fit? The last person left because she was seriously overworked, which is a common problem in this industry, but I’ve been dealing with it (and super underpaid) for 6 years, and I’m overdue for earning enough money to be able to afford rent AND things that help me keep my depression tamed, so maybe I can handle it, especially since one of the overwork things is going away??
And I’m such a people-pleaser what if I get too timid to ask for the salary I think the position deserves. And also they can’t post a job ad for my current position until I get an offer for the new one and accept, but we’re understaffed in the department, so we really need to start searching for someone now, so that they can be trained ASAP, and that’s causing a little stress. (I’m already being asked to do tasks related to the new position with the assumption that I’ll be moving into it anyway, and because I’ve filled in before when the position was vacant, which is also a little stressful.)
I’ve been talking off and on in the comments about my job/living situation for the last few years, and I can’t really talk about this super publicly because it’s so tentative and I’m so afraid it’s all going to fall through like every other potential yay in the last few years (ex: my sister maybe letting me rent her garage apartment last summer; a maybe job change 2 years ago; a good course for depression meds 3 years ago that only worked for 6 months…) but I needed to get it out.
I really, really, really hope this works out and doesn’t end up burning me out in 3 months like the last girl in the job, because the BEST PART is that if I get it, not only will i be able to afford rent and will have more opportunities in the museum world in the future, but I will be able to adopt a pet and you guys that is exactly what the doctor ordered for my mental health.
Best of luck! Remember to do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your mental health and don’t get lost in the stress! Ask people for help with time management if you need it. You sound like you are on the right track!
Thank you!
I keep reminding myself that even if it turns out the job is a total mess, I don’t have to stay there! I can stick it out for a few months and then I’ll finally have on-paper proof of my experience (seriously: over the years I’ve accrued so many duties and experience, but none of it is part of my official job description with HR and everything), and then I will have a lot more options. I just really want this to work out, because I do truly love my current museum, and I am still excited to be part of it, after all this time.
1. you can’t control anything that’s out of your hands. So when you worry about things like them changing the job description, take a breath and say to yourself “I can’t control this, I can’t do anything to change it, I will worry about on if it becomes reality”.
2. If you don’t get it, do you know what’s your next step is? I think it would be helpful to have one. Like, ok, if I don’t get this, I will, 1. make a great resume. 2. Apply to 2-3 jobs per week for the next 6 months until i get a better job. 3. Find some absolutely intense but cheap living situation to dramatically lower cost of living and save up. 4.Call every single mental health clinic in commuting radius and see if they have a sliding scale fee. Just making a list of what you COULD do, even if it’s not what you want to do, helps.
If it doesn’t happen, you have a plan and you don’t have to act on it unless it doesn’t happen. I always like to have a plan for a few things to accomplish in any given year. They don’t always happen, but when I do them, usually good things come to me. After 6 years at the same job and being tired and underpaid I know how easy it can be to feel stuck. You get more stuck the longer you are in one place. This is a chance to uproot no matter what. See it as a sign, your life is moving forward now, no matter how this works out, because you have a plan either way for the next year.
Thank you!
One of my coworkers has been trying to get me to think extra hard about taking the position if it’s officially offered because A) I do love what I currently do, B) she knows that I have health problems that make me exhausted and burnt out really easy, and I struggle with my current schedule sometimes, which tends to be only 35 hours a week (10:30-5:30), and C) there’s some cattiness and pushiness and general unpleasantness from some of the management staff and poor communication that I don’t currently have to deal with because I work in a completely different part of the building. She seems to want the best for me, but it’s making me worry, because she’s voicing my own concerns about changing roles. I’ve stuck where I am because it has easy hours but is still considered full-time with excellent benefits, even if the pay is less than average for a receptionist in my area, which is great for me.
I’m currently living in my mom’s house low-to-no rent, and she and my sdad have made it clear that as long as I am keeping up on my bills and am not earning enough to pay rent but I’m working a job I enjoy and not wasting money, i’m welcome to stay. I really would prefer to be able to fully support myself, but right now I’m sticking money into savings when I can and working on my health. (For a little more context – one of my sisters was also having trouble making ends meet while living at home, and she got kicked out and told that she had to find her own place to live. This arrangement isn’t just because I’m their kid, and if they ever thought I was taking advantage of their goodheartedness or would be better off on my own, they’d start the process of kicking me out, too. I’m looking forward to being able to pay them back one day, some how.)
Definitely you’re right about the uprooting – I realized last week that as much as I love my receptionist job, I’m starting to get a little burnt out about it, and it would be very nice to switch things up. (Which is why when someone asked if i’d be interested in the open position on Thursday, I said yes – it really has only been this week that it’s even been discussed! the position’s been open 2x in the last year, and both times I said I didn’t want it because I preferred the job I have, but both times I filled in for it until someone new got hired, and I think this time I’m ready.)
Thanks again, you’ve given me some more food for thought, and have helped me remember things I’d already told myself. My anxiety keeps forgetting that the only place to go from here is UP!
You’ll be great at it I bet. Especially if management is nudging you multiple times into the position they believe you can do it. If it’s not great, you’ll figure it out. i really believe that.
Change is scary, because things can change and it might be different. But probably it’ll be better in some ways and worse in others. I know I always get freaked out when things change.
So yesterday’s post on bildungs-wo-mans led me to Project Gutenberg, which I was previously familiar with, BUT I learned that they have a function where you can send Kindle versions straight to your DropBox, Google Drive, or OneDrive.
I apparently haven’t used Project Gutenberg since they added this, so many of you may be smh’ing at me, but my life is forever changed.
My surprise this week was fainting at the eye doctor after the glaucoma poke test. I came back to consciousness and dude was like here sip some water out of this Panera soup cup.
Surprise!
What, no smelling salts?
High five? I have also fainted at the ophthalmologist’s office before (after I had the dilating drops put in my eyes).
The numbing drops for that procedure do that to me too, they trigger some sort of wacky vasovagal response and I have to sit with my head between my knees for a while
I saw Hamilton last night and it was beyond anything I could have imagined or dreamed. I cried through half of it and there were so many things I didn’t pick up on in the cast recording that made it even more complex and beautiful. We had pretty much the entire cast as well. It was exhilarating, but so emotionally draining–it’s like I have an emotional hangover and all I want to do is sleep and go see it again.
I saw it Wednesday! I’m still completely in awe of the whole thing.
I saw Hamilton in October and loved it with every fiber of my being, but didn’t happen to listen to the cast recording until a month later and then couldn’t stop listening to it. I picked up so much more than I did in the performance! It really enhanced my enjoyment.
Fun fact, my sister and brother-in-law, who saw it with me in October, are going AGAIN in July. They may be the only regular people who will have managed to see it twice.
…raising my hand because I am a regular person who has seen it twice and has tickets for a third?
Once at the Public, a year ago. Once at the Richard Rodgers, in August. And I’ll see it again this coming December.
AGREE! Lin, Phillipa and Munoz were all out when I saw it and I STILL had that type of reaction. Oh Hamilton 🙂
What a beautiful comment, augh! I’m not going to be able to see it in NYC (fingers crossed for Chicago and San Francisco), but this makes me both excited and wistful. Glad to get a teensy bit of the experience vicariously through you.
So much angst.
We’re moving forward with this move to Connecticut. My husband is stuck on living in Fairfield. Or West Hartford. One or the other. This is after an exhaustive search during which he looked at greatschools.net rankings for every CT school district he could identify to find “the best” ones. Cross-referenced with housing affordability.
I applied for a job which appears a really good match for me on paper, but is based in NYC. The commute from West Hartford to NYC is not even under consideration, but I had deluded myself into thinking I could probably swing a 90 minute commute from Fairfield.
But then I realized that’s three hours a day, minimum, on a train/bus/what have you. 15 hours a week. That’s not getting my kid off to school in the mornings, and my husband having to prepare dinner every night. And the train pass is almost $400 a month? How even…
So that’s clearly insane and I feel all kinds of deflated about life right now.
Could you do any work during that commute? I once worked with a guy who had a ~2 hour bus commute, but he spent the whole time working, so he was only in the office 4 hours/day (and he worked from home once a week, too). Perhaps that could help mitigate it?
Oh, that’s clever! I would never have thought of that, but it seems obvious now. It’s so strange the way habits are different based on commuter culture variations.
Seconding the possibility of working on the train, perhaps. I grew up about 90 minutes outside NYC on a different Metro North line and know plenty of people whose parents commuted into the city. Three hours a day on public transit is never going to be pleasant, per se, but Metro North is okay as far as trains go and so maybe that time could be productive? Or if not productive for work, at least productive for yourself (pleasure reading, podcasts, knitting, etc.)
Good luck, I hope you figure out something that works for you and isn’t too much angst.
I have a 2-hr-each-way commute, mostly public transit. (I don’t have kids, so that changes the dynamic, though.) I do work some on the train when I can, and I work from home 2-3 days a week, which helps a TON. I also occasionally do two tens and spend the night in the city with a friend in between — then half the week is done already.
This depends on how flexible the office is, of course.
hey do you Toast folks think people would be interested in creating one of those writing groups that writers sometimes have, where you share work and talk about it? I mean in a regular way, as opposed to sporadically on the Cocktail Hours.
I have got poor relationship skills, and after having alienated all of my friends I have got not one to talk to about writing plays and novels &c., and I guess I didn’t realize how important it was that I had an outlet for that.
I would be into this if you would be cool with that fact that I write reeeeeeaaaaaaaally slooooooooowly
well that’s six of one to me there’s no time limit. What do you like to write?
I had my first idea for fiction in over a year yesterday, so I may not contribute much, but I am available as a beta reader/editor?
I would be interested too. Maybe create a facebook group? I am a part of one from a workshop I took a year ago and it’s a great no-pressure way of going about it. Basically, you can pop in to say, “Hey, I have a short story. Can anyone critique it?” Also, people on that group also post links to markets open to submissions.
hey so we have this! It started with members of the MOOC class that was advertised on here this past fall and has grown to include other toasties through other open thread posting. We have a slack channel now!
We do prompts every other week and also have a space to post our “other work” and ask for critiques.
Oh. Well, I guess. Good work then, well done.
Ack I did mean to say: join us! I don’t run the slack channel, looking for info on joining so I can post 🙂
email @Megaaaaaan: meganlogan42 at gmail dot com to join the toasties.slack channel.
I do hope you’ll join us, braak! We have lots of fun, and it’s a really great supportive group. It’s always so interesting to read writing from other Toasties.
I heartily recommend joining it! It’s a lot of fun and very encouraging.
OH man, i want a salon so badly. But I think I need an in-person one, because I want accountability and it’s too easy to ghost electronically.
I got a promotion this week and I’m going to celebrate by upping my contribution to my 401k. In other news, I officially feel old.
Older? Roll with it because it’s not going to change. I cannot believe i am 64.
Congrats!! I’m excited about using my tax refund to make an extra mortgage payment so I’m right there with you.
Congratulations! 🙂
Congratulations!
Well, not for feeling old. but I’ve been dealing with that on the regular for the last three years, and it just keeps snowballing.
yeah, but when you’re actually old, you’re gonna have money!
I know that feeling 🙂 Setting up an IRA, HSA, and committing to setting a percentage of my income each month to savings/paying off debt was one of the moments when I first felt like a real adult.
A bunch of weeks ago some lovely person on here posted a photo of the swanky spot where they were going for drinks before or after seeing Hamilton. I don’t think the name of the establishment was shared in the post- would the original poster mind sharing it now? Or anyone want to share their favorite swanky NYC spot for fancy grown-up drinks? My husband and I will be in town for a matinee on the 27th and would like to treat ourselves.
Does it have to be near the theater? Because I highly recommend Raine’s Law Room.
Thanks! Will note the name. The only reason I prefer not to stray far from the theater because I am anxious about arrival times and unfamiliar commutes and might have trouble relaxing far from the theater. Ugh, anxiety.
I believe it turned out to be Dear Irving.
Dogs!
Arya giving her best “wat” face:
Bonus snuggles:
And tail wags:
Visiting home meant I also got to visit Lola, who is a good and often ridiculous dog
This is her while I am eating my lunch:
SHARE WITH HER, YOU MONSTER!
Word class chin stare!
Shelter pups!
yes i will take them all please thank you
my little weirdo:
This is dog-related but includes no pictures of dogs. I’ve only seen clips from the Westminster dog show, but did anyone else read this WaPo article on it? https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/w…
It is amazing!
Key quotes: “…in dogs as well as baseball, glory is fleeting…” and “The field at Madison Square Garden, not unlike Thermopylae after the storied 300 Spartans met their end, was strewn with the bodies of CJ’s worthy adversaries.”
Hello Toasts!
Content note: anxiety and depression
I lurk a lot but don’t comment often and feel like when I do, it’s always to complain and/or ask for advice, so apologies for that first! :/
Second, what are the different, easy things you do to relax and comfort yourself when you’re generally totally overwhelmed and exhausted, and are probably going through some unsatisfactorily-treated depression stuff but for administrative reasons aren’t immediately able to see anyone about it? This week my brain has kept me in a weird, constant state of gloomy, unfocused boredom and has just refused to do any of the things it was really supposed to do: it’s been really hard for me to wake up in the mornings and hard for me to leave my house. Emails, dishes, trash, errands and postgrad homework have been building up; I acknowledge that things need to happen but feel too tired and empty?? to manage much of it. I think what might help would be to try to do some fun treat things that would be *easy* for me (because *effort* is really complicated right now) and would break up my routine a little, and I was thinking people at the Toast might have some suggestions.
uggh, I read every link roundup and Open Thread and really appreciate you all a lot and wish I had the energy right now to find a better way of showing it. <3
It’s not the healthiest coping mechanism, but I find ways to spend money. Kidding. Not kidding?
I knit (which leads to yarn shopping, which can be surprisingly expensive if you do it right). Or cook (expensive in a different way). Or read (the library is freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee). Or watch Korean dramas (free in some places, nominal cost in others).
I should say something healthy, like, go for a run. But that actually leads to buying running gear: winter running stuff, wicking fabrics, socks that won’t kill my feet, new running shoes.
We are cut from the same cloth, friend. My depression “hobbies” are often just depression shopping. Smash cut to the time I was deeeeeply miserable and decided to “get into makeup” …. woof.
I’ve been there. I usually attempt to do ONE THING (and only one thing) on my list. Then I go read or watch tv, or whatever turns off my brain. That way, I can foster a feeling of accomplishment when I desperately need it.
I take baths, and I try to focus on the one thing I need to do at a time. Like, is the trash actually smelly and a problem? Ok, if I deal with that, I’m off the hook for everything else. And then I take a bath.
I’ve found Unfuck Your Habitat suuuper helpful. The basic strategy is to not worry about having everything super clean all the time, just to do what you can, and realize that even a little bit is better than nothing. Here’s a post about unfucking and depression, it might be a good place to start to see if UfYH might be something you want to try. http://www.unfuckyourhabitat.com/the-depressionme…
The article understood me, and I feel both relieved and ashamed.
I’m at that place right now, and also kind of at ends to figure out something to help. Often, riding my bike for an hour is a good thing to let me just not think about things, but it took over a year of regular rides to get to the point where it’s relaxing rather than a chore. BUT it also takes a lot of effort sometimes just to get myself geared up and then to get the bike checked over and out of the garage. (And the last time I told myself “it will be worth it” i ended up a mile away from my house trying not to convince myself to turn around and go home, and not just sit by the side of the road and wait for weeds to grow, because turns out it really was too much effort this time. It was…not good.)
My bad habit is when I’m feeling down like this, I just sleep and eat chocolate and drink cherry cokes and tea and buy things that I think will make me feel better (but rarely do – I’m just looking for novelty and comfort).
Maybe try to figure out which is the Most Important task, do it, and then reward yourself with a nap and not having to think about the other things until tomorrow? Or set an alarm: do Most Important/Immediate, then give yourself 8 hours to sleep or do whatever. Then do the next thing on the list. Sometimes that helped me when I was still in school and feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. Once I gave myself permission to sleep, I felt like I could get through everything else, and then the sleeping helped with the exhaustion/boredom thing so that I had more energy the next day.
Getting out of bed and out the door is a struggle for me too right now, and I don’t have any easy answers for you – just know that you’re not alone with that?
For me, I think that one of the hardest things about depression is not. being. able. to. move. I have less energy, but even more, I’m paralyzed. I know *how* to get things done, but I just *can’t.* I don’t find it hard, I just absolutely feel it is impossible. and that SSUUUUCKS. I am sorry you’re dealing with something similar and I wish I could take it away from you.
My advice is, if you have 1-3 friends you trust to see you when you are feeling shitty, ask them to come over and do a load of dishes. Ask someone to take out your trash. Ask them to take your card and buy you some groceries. And then, the two of you can make some simple, pre-planned and packaged meals so you are getting nutrition in your body for the rest of the week. And then you can sit down and eat a meal together and enjoy how amazing friendship is that we will help each other.
YOUR FRIENDS WILL NOT JUDGE YOU. They probably want to help. (Hell, I don’t know you, and i want to help.) They just don’t know how to help. So give them a clear job (Load of dishes.) they can do. And tell them thank you. Let them show you how much they love you, and let them know how grateful you are for them. That’s the basics of friendship, right?
I am there. About to make myself a cup of tea, which is my go-to tiny thing that might make me feel a bit better. Taking a shower or a bath and putting on clean clothes is also good.
Sometimes I shower at midnight, because that’s when I’ve finally got enough energy/interest to budge, and washing off the gross-hair funk and putting on fresh clothes does help a bit, you’re right. Even if I’m just going to go back to sleep, it makes it easier to get moving the next day.
When I’m at my very flattest with depression, I prepare yummy easy comfort food. Grilled cheese and canned tomato soup. Scrambled eggs with a shitload of cheese. Or even frozen pizza. I forgive myself if it’s not “good for me”. I ignore everything in the kitchen except whatever little things I need to make the food happen. Then I’ve accomplished something (I cooked! even if it was just heating up a can of soup or throwing a frozen pizza in the oven!) and I’m fed, and most things seem less horrible.
Step One: Buy some food at trader joes/costco/etc that is easy to prepare, and feels fancy. For instance, the little curry packets or the little samosas or flatbread pizzas, or a baguette, some cheeses and a dip, etc. Really stock up so you have a pile of things to eat that take no thought, but also feel delightful. Also get yourself some flowers while you are there and a thing of vitamin D, its winter and we all need some vitamin d. This will have gotten you out of the house, it will have felt good to think about the food, it will be nice to come home after grocery shopping, it always is.
Step Two: Think about how good a long bath with all the trimmings will feel. Really think it through ahead of time, that you are going to take a shower and wash your hair, then do shaving (if you do this) then do a soak at the end with wine and listening to a podcast, then you are going to get out, wear a robe or towel, moisturize everything, maybe even paint the toes, etc, just do it all in a very slow fashion, like calm molasses, it might take 4 hours even, but at the end you’ll put some of those little mushroom puffs you got in step one on to heat so it doesn’t matter how slow it takes.
Step three, Ok you are clean, you are fed, you are calm. If you have any time left in your night you are going to get the dishes ready to wash. Put all the silver ware to soak in one pan. Put all the plates in a stack, put a little water in any bowl with stuff on it, put those in a stack, etc. Do this while listening to music or podcast as well. If you feel inspired, wash some thing easy, like just plates or just cups, or put something away. if not, getting the stack under control and ready for when you are washing, is plenty.
Day 2. Carve out some time to make a comprehensive list. Then star things that are easy to do and cross out anything that can wait a week or more. Figure out if there’s anything you can do as you go (aka take trash out when you already have to leave the house. Check emails when you wait for the bus) Do things bit by bit.
I think for me the big things that keep me getting through it, are lists, pre thinking how something will go and seeing myself doing it calmly (Aka just sitting in bed thinking about how it will feel to do the dishes and how it’s going to feel like no big deal when I’m doing it and I’ll listen to music while I do it) and then giving myself permission to move slow and think of maintenance as a reward helps.
I’m especially a fan of listening to music or podcasts for chores, because you can get yourself going to get things done, whereas tv and internet kind of suck you in and hold you still.
This is a wonderful plan. I love the suggestion to be calm molasses. My depression is much worse when I feel dirty or haven’t eaten, and this is some detailed self-care.
I like meditation when my anxiety is going crazy, just 5 or 10 minutes, and I feel accomplished after.
I get overwhelmed when i have a lot of little chores and this is definitely how I combat it, just by slowing down a lot, and kind of savoring the process enough to get out of my head.
I love this and am saving it for later!
I mentioned this to someone else downthread… lately I’ve gotten into adult coloring books, such as this one: http://www.amazon.com/Secret-Garden-Inky-Treasure…
It’s fun and relaxing, you can do a little or a lot at a time, and it gives you a feeling of accomplishment without any risk or anxiety. Sometimes when I’m feeling stressed or overwhelmed I’ll just sit and color for a while and it makes things feel a bit more manageable, because this is a small little world that I can control. And even if I goof up and can’t stay within the lines, it still looks very pretty and satisfying when I’m done, and I get to choose which colors I want for each flower.
I know this is 3 days late, but in case it helps:
I smoke weed. I kept track of my habits, and I literally get more housework, tidying, and general chores done when I’m smoking up on the regular, compared to when I’m not, and my place is a comfier, cozier, happier place to be. It’s definitely not the solution for everybody, but I find the barriers between seeing that something needs to be done, and doing it, just disappear. I think to myself, “Self, you are a good person who deserves to live in a clean apartment that makes you happy. Let’s clean this up as a present to ourself.” And for some reason, it’s really hard for me to connect those dots when I’m not a stoner.
I make lists and heartily enjoy crossing things off them. I add things I’ve already done just so I can cross them off. Sometimes “take a shower” is on the list. Then at the end of the day I’ve somehow managed to rack up enough things that it feels ok, even if a lot of the things are kind of bullshit. If I have an actual real to-do list, I try to do one small thing on it at every natural break point in my day (tv episode ends, I need to go to the bathroom, I die in a video game) and then reward myself by continuing to do the not-working thing I was doing.
For treats I buy things small and frivolous like nail polish or scarves. Going to a store can calm me down, it’s like a place out of time where I just look at pretty things for a while. Today I went to a Lush ministore and two Extremely Helpful young salespeople were very interested in me and rubbed lotion on my hands which was outside my normal comfort zone but also kind of nice? Also plants. I have so many damn plants right now.
Are any of you Toasties accountants who can give me advice on owing back taxes? Or know of trustworthy ones you can refer me to?
I’m happy to pay for this advice, but I definitely need help. I’m starting to have nightmares about the IRS banging down my door. (Unlikely. I haven’t made enough money to be worth that. But still.)
I am not an accountant, but I have owed back taxes to both the IRS and my state. My ex-employer had withheld taxes, but not paid them to the appropriate bureaucracies, so it was a fairly substantial sum (well, for me anyhow), around $5k. In both cases, I contacted the local offices, filled out some forms, made a payment plan, and paid it back over several years. It wasn’t fun, but it wasn’t horrible either.
There’s even a funny bit. Years later, when my state was having one of its budget crisis thrashing about situations I got an invoice stating that I owed $0.00 in back taxes. Why, yes, yes I do owe $0.00 in back taxes. Fantastic way to save and recoup tax dollars, ha!
My situation was not complicated. It was clear that I owed the taxes and what had happened, so if you have a more snarled situation, it probably would be better to get an accountant, but neither the IRS nor my state were the snarling brutes of tax lore and legend.
This comforts me immensely. I know what I owe, more or less, and it’s not a crippling amount, but I was genuinely frightened that I was going to wind up having my wages garnished or my possessions seized or something snarling-brute-like.
I’m going to go through my accountant just to make sure I’m dotting i’s and crossing t’s correctly, but you have eased my fears a bit, and I thank you very much.
It’s not uncommon and the IRS is not that unreasonable and if you just send them money they’ll accept it and then charge you whatever interest and penalties you accrued. They want their money, not drama and debtor’s prison.
My spouse had his wages garnished many many years ago when we were in our early 20s and even that wasn’t a big deal. Nobody was angry or mean, and I’m not sure he ever even talked to anyone about it. His employer presumably knew about it but they never said anything to him about it. It sucked for sure and we should have been better about paying his student loan (this is a long story though that involves shady parent stuff and then his mom getting cancer and dying), but you know, it didn’t ruin anyone’s life or anything.
Oh and non creepy thread– I got a fitbit to shame myself into being active again. I finally am on antidepressants and have some motivation to do more than roll around on the couch, so this is my step one of attempting to be healthier. Anyway, any fitbit tips? Things I should know about? I have the fitbit HR one. Also can we be friends? isn’t there a social network thing where we can motivate each other?
Anyway I’m excited for shiny new things.
I just got a fitbit with the heart rate monitor yesterday! I know you can have friends, but right now my only friends are my parents. My mom is killing me in terms of steps.
There’s a Toastie group! I don’t think it’s being utilized to it’s full potential but we’re here!
https://www.fitbit.com/group/22QWSH
Yes! I have joined this group!
Sent via the Samsung Galaxy S® 5 ACTIVE™, an AT&T 4G LTE smartphone
——– Original message ——–
Oh, cool! Joined!
I will be your friend! (https://www.fitbit.com/user/3KZWRMP) There’s also a toast group here: https://www.fitbit.com/group/22QWSH
get ready for data entry, because that’s a lot of what fitbit is all about!
i say that because i was kinda disappointed when i got it since nobody really told me that it’s just a glorified pedometer. that hasn’t stopped me from using it, however. in fact, i made a spreadsheet with math functions and food ingredients & nutrition info, which i can paste into an adding function & divide by portion so i can come up with food entries for homemade meals. that’s a lot of work though, so it goes in & out of fashion for me.
what it has done best is made me aware of the days when i do very little walking, and motivated me to find ways to add walks to my life. and i still do a little dance when i get my daily total.
This is me! https://www.fitbit.com/user/4BYTQM
I have been watching Ghostwriter on youtube thanks to The Toast reminding me of the horror that was that slime monster! This show handles some really dark topics, there’s an episode that talks about poaching which pulls no punches when dealing with how devastating it is to animals and the environment. It’s not a perfect show, the closest I’ve seen them come to discussing racism is when a white character feels upset about being called “white boy,” and the drugs episode was really heavy handed about marijuana (though I do think 8th graders shouldn’t be smoking it).
It makes sense, knowing who the ‘ghost’ in ghostwriter was intended to be, but yeah for something I watched as a kid and don’t remember much of, I’m just really amazed by the range and depth of topics covered!
OH MY GOD THIS SHOW WAS MY CHILDHOOD. And it’s on YouTube you say??? Thank you thank you!
anyone else feeling DRAMATIC and SELF-PITYING even when you know it’s 10% valid and mostly not?
somehow landed with the responsibility to buy the beyonce tickets for my squad but no one explicitly ASKED they just knew by saying they couldn’t do it i would. and i’m LIVID, even though i would 1000% have offered.
in other news, i’ve been considering #livetweetyourperiod as another activity for today, but have professional people in my following and feel too shy.
I’ve been massively dramatic and self-pitying lately, and you know what? I’ve just fucking embraced it. People I’m dating are fuckheads, February is awful, and I’ve made an appointment with a therapist, so I’m basically off the hook for everything else. <fist bump>
yes! i feel this!
also there were no tickets to be had, so i am all the more dramatic now than i was a half hour ago. COME ON, WORLD.
I often feel that way. Sometimes I lean into it, sometimes I just take a deep breath and say “okay, what’s actually happening in this situation?” Like I take out the trash every week (every week I think one of my roommates will realize that taking out the trash is a thing, and every week they don’t). Depending on my mood, sometimes it’s weirdly fun to stomp around and be indignant while taking out compost scraps. Most of the time I’m like “eh, let’s be real, this is 5 minutes of my time”.
Um, yes? For all the small annoyances of life, all the time. I’m such a baby in my head. Guy says some stupid shit about my dog while I’m out for a walk, I’m annoyed about it and thinking what a jerk some stranger is for at least the next hour (and at scattered moments throughout the day). HOA sends me a notice about not bringing the trash bin in on trash day the week I had the flu, I feel like yelling at the world. If there’s a formula for not letting the little things get to you, man I need it.
About the first line in this- ONLY ALL THE TIME. I am probably feeling indignant about something right now that I haven’t quite let come to the surface of my psyche.
About the second line. ARE YOU ME!? Being the mom of your friend group is that best/worst but mostly the worst.
About the third line. I am not capable of giving good advice about this. Don’t ask me.
I hope your day/weekend gets/got better!
appreciated this comment! was so dramatic / sullen that the bestie who i was disgruntled with asked me “if someone was injured and if people were okay”
[but then we talked about it and i was able to be less of a pill for the remainder of the weekend]
*raises hand* me too, completely here for the mostly nonsense self pitying. Yesterday I went jogging for the first time since I got pregnant and I only could run about half a mile and had to walk the other half. I didn’t exercise at all while I was pregnant because I was too exhausted all the time, and then after the miscarriage I kept on bleeding for 7 weeks and was so weak and anemic and exhausted that I didn’t exercise then either. Now that all that’s over and I’m actually getting to keep any iron that I eat I’m impatient to be healthy and normal again.
I’m just counting it as a success that I managed to not cry at all during the running. It was so frustrating. Anyway, I’ll try again tomorrow and hopefully be less pathetic.
not pathetic! feelings are feelings, whether they are the ones we want to be having or not!
for what it’s worth, i am in my normal state of health, and i do not think i could run a half mile in the first place — so note your own strength!
WELP, I just found out Kesha lost her ruling. Farewell, Planet Earth. Goodbye, world of men.
UGHHHH 🙁
Noooooooo my glittery queen 🙁
Whaaaaat. NO.
Noooooooooooooooooooooo
WHAT? No! Fucking hell.
I pray that a sparkly whiskey maenad will just tear out Dr. Luke’s heart and eat it during a bacchanal.
Yes good.
That’s it. This sucks.
I am waiting for some awesome contract-law lawyer to dissect every word of her contract and then instruct her fans on how best to get her out of it. E.g. maybe if her next release tanks she can get out early? Thus, don’t buy the damn thing. (There will probably be a boycott anyways.)
Remember when Van Morrison did a Contractual Obligations album that featured such classics as “Ringworm?” (Sample lyric: “Actually, you’re very lucky to have Ringworm/ ’cause you may have had/ something else.”) I wonder if there’s any chance of Kesha doing something like that?
#BoycottSony was trending earlier today.
Need to vent for a little bit: after our pipes froze Sunday, meaning that baby and I stayed in the bedroom with the space heater blasting, one pipe burst in the wee hours of Tuesday morning. I had just showered and fallen asleep, but I had to wake up and clean for hours. Then the ceiling started falling, so we had to move all the furniture. Then we had to go to a laundromat to do all the laundry. Then we discovered late yesterday that the pipes were insulated in asbestos, so we had to move everything with fabric out of the room and seal it off. Now the only way into the house is through a door that’s incredibly hard to open: I need to use two hands and all my strength to do so.
Luckily we’re renting, and have closed on a house the next town over: we’ll be moving in early May. The landlady just called an hour ago and asked if we were still interested in buying this house. I told her no, politely.
This WEEK.
I … This situation … that LANDLADY, tho! … ugh. I don’t suppose there’s anything in the tenant laws in your area that say asbestos hazard + baby = landlord finances hotel stay while asbestos is mitigated?
“I told her no, politely. ”
Not gonna lie. I lol’d. Then my eye twitched for a while. Landlords, man. What gives?? Sheesh.
Sorry you have been through such chaos. i wish you very good luck making it to May with minimal troubles.
I am voting for Sanders in the primary, but I am getting very frustrated at people who claim there’s no sexism against Clinton among progressives when I see it every goddamn day.
i appreciate this post!
If I see one more supposed liberal post the “Hillary lying for 13 minutes straight” video or the Elizabeth Warren video about Clinton’s vote on the bankruptcy bill and how that meant Clinton crapped all over the vulnerable, I will HULK SMASH. You know who PolitiFact has as their candidate who says the most true and the fewest false statements in this election? That’s right friends, it’s our lady HRC. And I really like Elizabeth Warren, so it pains me to say this, but she was leaving out quite a few essential truths in that video.
that, and people who suggest female support of HRC is “voting with my vagina” as if the only thing leading my decision is the desire to vote for a woman. do conservatives say that about carly fiorina supporters?
I find that phrasing sooooo dehumanizing, on top of being just plain wrong and transphobic.
it’s straight-up women-phobic while also being openly misogynistic and presumptuous and probably a lot more high school vocabulary words i’m forgetting as well.
I am in a late primary state, so I doubt I will be able to affect the election but the blatant sexism is pushing me from the Sanders camp to the Clinton camp. It’s not the sexism per se, but the way Sanders is responding to it. It’s made me really question whether he sees so-called women’s issues as central, important people issues or whether he sees them as peripheral, dispensable, niche issues.
ding ding ding
Like, I genuinely believe that both Bernie and Hillary hold views that are strongly pro-women (reproductive rights, equal pay, paid family leave, etc.). But I also believe that these are central, driving concerns for Hillary in a way that they are not for Bernie. It seems to me that he takes sort of a “rising tide lifts all boats” approach–if we fix income inequality things will get better for a lot of women–rather than addressing women’s issues directly, with an understanding that even if women are lifted out of poverty we will still experience sexism and inequality in other ways.
I am grateful for this post. I’m voting for HRC, but I love Bernie, and I want the Bernie people to feel as conflicted about how to vote for as I do instead of stomping all over everything and retelling Republican smears on My Girl. Peeps – they are both amazing. they will either be grand. Stop being all “Bern or nobody” because I will BITE you if the Repubs retake the white house because you Sat This Out.
This is exactly how I feel. It’s really made me frustrated with social media lately – many of my closest male friends are posting things with SUCH sexist undertones, but they’ll never see it, let alone admit it. Ugh.
So over the weekend I was in NYC and went to the Natural History Museum (Massive dinosaurs, yay!) and the Met, where I saw many beautiful statues of nude Greeks and other things that might be of Toast note:
Exhibit A: Long-division cross-stitch sampler
Exhibit B: A glorious painting, the description of which noted rather perplexedly “the prominent position of the hindquarters”
Exhibit C: The women in this Sargent portrait who are everything I aspire to be and more
My sister also showed me a fantastic book in a store in Bedford but it has language that some may want to avoid so I will put the pic under the jump
There are literally no words
Well, how else are you gonna decorate a university lecture hall for the Vagina Monologues? (Which is what I’ve done with that exact coloring book)
I have colored this. Highly recommend.
“Prominent position of the hindquarters” is just museum-speak for “BUTTS! BUTTS! BUTTS!”
butts-butts-coconuts
Was the artist trying to convey that the subject of the painting is a horse’s ass?
I love that sampler so much. I want to have a home filled with science and math embroidery.
Oh my god you guys, right now I am rereading Jess Zimmerman’s emotional labor piece. Until yesterday, I understood it in theory, but now I GET IT. After spending half an hour talking down some jittery, whiny dude because he made changes to a PDF that could not be saved, then listening to him tell me how his feelings were hurt when my coworker made him follow the rules of the library, to him saying to me, ‘I wish I had a girlfriend like you! She’d help me with this stuff all the time.’ (Never mind that I’ve met this guy’s girlfriend upon several occasions?)
Then there’s another guy who comes in who talks just like my abusive ex did: just a string of anecdotes displaying how much smarter, well-informed, harder-working, funnier, and all-around BETTER he is than anyone else around. He talks about his libertarian ideals right before going off to work at a government agency, but thatsnoneofmybusiness.jpg
I am so fucking D O N E assuaging male fragility.
RIGHT ON.
I don’t know if you saw the Metafilter thread about Zimmerman’s piece, but I found it wholly validating to read: it’s long but awesome
My workplace is the hotbed for my area’s libertarian party.
I work in a federal department. One of the most highly paid departments going around. This never ceases to amuse me.
Snort! The irony, it burns.
It’s been a while since we had a board/card/tabletop games thread, so let’s do that!
I did play some games that aren’t Netrunner with friends, which was nice. I also have now played in small Netrunner tournaments for five consecutive weekends, which was fun but also ridiculous.
Tomorrow I am running a women-only Netrunner event. I have now invited enough people who seemed interested that I am mostly no longer worried that I will be the only person there. Part of me is worried that there will be, like, twenty new players and I won’t have enough decks to lend everyone. But that is just my brain running worst-case scenerios, I actually expect about three to six people, I think. If you live in the Edmonton area and would like to come, ask me for details!
There is, of course, also a small Netrunner tournament tomorrow, which I will be skipping. And a larger one next weekend, which I will probably enter.
Who else has gaming plans this weekend?
Tonight is out board game night, in fact! Our friends are hosting and making mac and cheese, we are bringing brownies. I dunno what we are going to play yet though.
I just got Colt Express recently which we played last board game night, which was a lot of fun.
That sounds both fun and delicious. And the little train for Colt Express looks so cool!
Not this weekend but some friends got Lords of Waterdeep and man is it fun. It may replace Star Trek Catan as our usual game for game nights!
Lords of Waterdeep looks like such a big commitment to me! But then Catan isn’t exactly fast and casual, and it’s not like either of them is Arkham Horror, so.
Once you get the hang of it, game play moves pretty quick, so pretty similar to Catan I guess 😀 I really enjoy it, there’s lots of different ways to put together a win, and it has a distinct start and stop point.
This is timely! I played like five rounds of Dominion last night with my husband and another couple. We each won a round and my husband won two…once with 48 victory points, while the rest of us combined had about 24. RAGE.
That’s a pretty big point spread. I hope you trounced him in the game you won.
Unfortunately not, but a win is a win 🙂
We are playing Ticket to Ride with our couple friends. It’s so fun!
I just played Ticket to Ride for the second time recently. It didn’t really grab me the first time, so then it sat on my shelf for about a year, but it turns out it is indeed fun!
I think it really depends on the group you play it with tbh.
That could be it, but I think in this particular instance it was mostly me.
Oh, I miss my gaming friends (lost them due to a move). I should find a new group…
Oh, that sucks.
This is is one of the things I would recommend trying Meetup for. I live in a not-that-big city, and we have about three different active board game meetup groups. And at least one RPG group.
I don’t think Meetup is the go-to site for such things in Germany, I live near a middling small city, and there’s… no game groups at all. But I know of one board game club, so, maybe I’ll get over my social phobias and hit them up. I’m just really bad at getting along with an already established group of friends.
Drat, so much for that suggestion.
If the club you know about doesn’t work out, you could try asking board game shops and cafes if they have groups with open membership that meet there. (Hopefully you have some such establishments, they’ve become fairly common in Canada but I don’t know about Germany.)
My boyfriend has to get up at 5 tomorrow morning to leave for a week in Barcelona for work. He has been away for work a lot recently (and may be being sent to Australia for two weeks in March), and it makes me sad, although I know it is worse for him (I at least get the comfort of being at home and not having to interact with customers). And I don’t even feel like I can take advantage of his absence to eat the unhealthy meat-containing things he doesn’t like, as I am trying to eat better at the moment. Not fun.
My bf will be out of town next week. He rarely travels and I am a bit of a loner, so I’m really looking forward to it. I plan to listen to Hamilton (for the very first time ever) and (if comments here are any indication) sing along with it for the rest of the week. I also plan to watch all of the Harry Potter movies and not have to worry that I’m hogging the TV. There are fun things to do even without unhealthy foods!
I have done quite a bit of singing along to Hamilton today!
Hey all! I was wondering in anyone has any opinion of, or experience with hypnotherapy? I’ve been looking into it a bit for a problem of mine, and part of me thinks it`s a sham, and another part of me thinks it kind of makes sense? The meditation and repetition aspect of it appeals to me. I have no plans to spend any money on it, but have been looking into certain tracks and playlists.
Does anyone have any experience with this?
My experience with therapeutic hypnosis was terrible, but self hypnosis great.
I use it to fall asleep/relax, mostly self-hypnosis. People like to make ridiculous claims about what it can do for you (like make severe pain just vaaaaanish which NOPE not even no), but for things like calming down and handling mild to moderate anxiety attacks, it can be great.
Yes! I saw a professional hypnotherapist for a few years and had a really good experience, although I think a lot of that was the rapport with the provider, who was probably the first counselor type person I ever saw who let me acknowledge how much my parents were hurting me and that I wasn’t the crazy one.
I will say despite having generalized anxiety, fibromyalgia, and a tortured dental history, he gave me a special prompt when I needed my wisdom teeth pulled and I sailed through it like a breeze.
Lots of good info and some free stuff on his site:
http://www.csgiles.org/
eta: don’t let the religious stuff bother you–it’s part of his bio and he got into hypnosis partly through doing hospice pastoral care, but there’s nothing in the hypnosis materials that references or relies on that.
my father is licensed but no longer practicing. the basics of it are that it uses positive suggestion while you’re in a relaxed & open state. i think it can help with things you’re motivated to do but find hard, like following a diet or quitting smoking or dealing with stress or changing perception of things & fears, etc. but it can’t do it for you. and it might work really well for some people and not well for others.
if you have a yoga studio nearby that offers yoga nidra, it’s a guided meditation of sorts. some is very straightforward about noticing your body, and some is about these narratives where you find something or talk to someone. oddly, i have found them very revealing of what might be an issue for me at the time, and the things i come up with often resolve a lot for me. or maybe there are tracks of this you can find online instead of an in-person class.
Hi fellow Toasties, it’s Mo aka An Historian. I’m taking reader questions for next week’s Downton column. Post them here or find me on twitter — I’m @hammock_tussock
I’m rocking a new CPAP machine at night, which is showing some improvement, but I still wake up multiple times every single night. I can only sleep for 2 hours at a stretch. This has been going on for years, and it’s depressing.
that would be incredibly depressing – I do hope the new CPAP helps in that regard
Everyone needs to read this if they haven’t already! http://laurie-penny.com/fifty-shades-of-socialist…
Laurie Penny is the mack-skippy-fizzm-fazzm.
Well. I’m glad someone wrote that.
“You’re just an entitled sociopath and misogynist in a nice tie, and there are plenty of people who might find that sexy, but I don’t.”
Yay, I got to the Open Thread early enough for this not to get lost! I posted this in yesterday’s Link Round-Up, but it was late in the evening.
My grandmother got married in a beautiful blush pink satin (I think) gown (“That dress was NOT white,” she said to my fascinated now-sister-in-law). They moved into assisted living last year and I grabbed the dress so it didn’t get tossed out because it’s still in amazing condition and is really beautiful fabric.
I want to have the fabric made into something for us 8 grandkids (3 girls, 5 boys), something that we could all wear or use. Something that could be special occasion but doesn’t have to be. I’d be outsourcing this as I am not talented in that direction myself, but I know there are likely to be many Toasties who might have great ideas.
Fabric flower boutonnieres?
Could the satin be used to line a keepsake box?
–mount it to something and use it as matting for framed family photos
–make delicate embroidered christmas tree ornaments out of it
–neckties for the boys, hair ornaments for the girls
…that’s all I can think of, as there might not be very many household decor uses for blush pink satin?
Thanks guys! You’re right, bibliophibian, there aren’t many household uses for fancy satin fabric. 😀 I really like the idea of making tree ornaments out of the fabric. Or ties/pocket squares and hair ornaments. I appreciate the suggestions!
Two weeks from today I will be in Barcelona and I. Cannot. Wait.
Anyone been? Suggestions?
We’re actually going hiking in the south along the seashore but will be in Barcelona for a day before we head down. I’m planning to eat all the things in between beverage opportunities.
I’ve been! I don’t pretend to be an expert, but I have been and it was gorgeous. I was only there for like 8 hours, so I mostly saw the super touristy stuff. BUT, I highly highly recommend seeing at least two Gaudi buildings. Everyone goes to the Sagrada Familia, and it is gorgeous. But we also went to Casa Batllo, and I fell in love with it to the point that if I ever have like 2 billion dollars, I’m going to buy it and just have it be my house. I’m not even a person who gets/enjoys architecture, but his stuff is awesome.
Barcelona is amazing!!! The Gaudi park is pretty cool, but my favorite part was walking around the neighborhoods near the MACBA. There’s amazing gelato and coffee places and bakeries and lots of picturesque architecture!
Seconding the Gaudi! It is almost silly how much money it is to get into the houses but it is worth it. Get the audio guides and just admire. The fort at the top of the funicular had good views of the city/sea but was otherwise not that interesting. Wander through El Born and the Gothic area, there’s lots of tiny streets with these incredible old buildings that are now apartments and shops and restaurants. There was this fantastic tiny restaurant we went to in the El Born area, would highly recommend! Go in the churches, they’re gorgeous even if you’re not religious.
Hiking along the seashore there sounds amazing!
Have you seen Travel Man? The first episode is the one where they go to Barcelona, and there’s some really great advice. Maybe you can have cava where Richard Ayoade had cava! There are other ideas too, but that looked the most tempting.
We spent our entire honeymoon in Barcelona and loved it. I’d highly recommend La Pepita for food / tapas, as well as Cafe Venus (good salmorejo and mojitos).
Toasties, I had Active Shooter Training yesterday, and now can’t stop worrying that our library is a death trap. Has anyone else had something like this? Was there anything that made you feel safer at work afterwards?
My desk is basically at the end of a deadend hallway. If there’s a shooter, my only option is to hide or fight.
I’m begging for an active shooter training for my library branch because we have so many creepy patrons to begin with. And I’ve put together an unofficial plan for our children’s room and shared it with all my staff. I feel very jumpy and on edge the last few months and I want my kids to be safe. 🙁
We had an Active Shooter Drill at our university a few months back and it took a while to get back out of that headspace. (I helped two separate people through panic attacks in the bathroom that week.) You just… move on, eventually?
We used to do a LOT of these kind of things at my govt work where we made people regularly unhappy in our building that was poorly guarded. One thing the guy kept pointing out which I don’t know if it makes it better or worse is that the people who kill you are usually your co-workers, so i guess the best thing you can do is be nice to everyone you work with? Also we have a lot of space under our desks so I just decided my strategy would be put the phone on silent and crawl behind boxes under my desk.
aaughghhhhh
Did you get the advice to keep a box of golf balls under the desk so that you can throw them at the shooter to distract them?
All you can do is accept it and practice it, maybe go to a karate studio that does self-defense classes or gun defense/knife defense training so that running through the gun simulations and takedowns becomes more comfortable. Our dojo does gun defense as a part of class every couple of months. I’ve been going for 8 years. I still come out of class shuddery and hyperalert on those days. But I do feel as if I’m doing what I can to be prepared and that’s all a person can do.
That sounds awful, but also, libraries with stacks have always felt like an evil mastermind’s death-trappy labyrinth to me.
Toasts, my beloved iPhone 4s may be nearing the end of its life. I’m going to have to get a new phone. I *also* need to get my own phone plan, as opposed to continuing to mooch off my parents’ plan. What order should I do these things in? New phone first, then new plan? New plan, then new phone? Is it possible to take care of both at once? I don’t know these things, I’ve had this phone for almost 4 years.
You should be able to do both at once, I think you could probably get it all done at an Apple store.
Is there a reason you feel the need to get off your family plan, instead of maybe contributing to the costs of the family plan? I ask because a single-person cell phone plan can be SUCH A RIPOFF.
If you must switch plans, you should be able to get both at once, but I mean, I’m a 26 year old with no plans to ever get off the family plan if I can avoid it, because it’s such a good deal.
Mom asked me to find a plan of my own. If all the options I find are significantly worse than just staying on the family plan, I’m sure she’ll be happy to let me stay on the plan and pay.
Thanks for the advice, all!
I’m in Canada, so the phone plan options may be slightly different, but I think they’re pretty similar. There are basically two options.
Both at once will let you buy a phone at a very steep discount, if you sign on to a contract that usually lasts two years. Basically the rest of the price of your phone is folded into your monthly bill for the next two years. This will save you a lot of money right now, will probably cost more money in the long run, and makes it tricky and expensive to switch providers if you get annoyed at whoever you get your plan from.
The other option is to buy an unlocked phone first, then get a plan. This costs a lot more up front, but you may be able to find a cheaper plan or get a discount for bringing your own phone to the plan, and it makes it very easy to switch providers.
You could get a new plan first, but unless your current phone is unlocked, you’d have to either stick with your current provider or pay to get it unlocked. If you want to get a discounted phone & a contract, I think it makes more sense to go straight to that, since you’ll have to choose a plan when you sign up for a contract anyways. If you want an unlocked phone, it makes sense to get it first so you have more options when you’re choosing a provider & a plan, without having to pay to get your old phone unlocked.
Haircare thread? My great-grandmother was apparently cursed by a witch as a young teen and all of her descendants have since gone prematurely grey. I thought my dad’s DNA would be strong enough to balance it out, and then I turned 27 and started getting greys like crazy. I don’t mind the color, but I hate how they refuse to lie flat and blend in with the rest of my hair. What kind of potion can I use to fix this? I’m trying to hold off on dyeing my hair because I’m trying to save money and my hair is too thick to do it at home and not miss patches.
Do any curly haired toasties have secrets they would like to share? I go through phases where I try and figure out my hair so that it is actually nice and predictable rather than the current state of affairs where sometimes it’s beautiful but most of the time it’s just a giant frizz pile. However, good haircare stuff is expensive and while I’m willing to pay if I can find a system that works for me, I don’t have a ton of money to spend on experimentation and buying products to find out they don’t work for me. Any insights? How did you figure out your hair? What weird gods of curls should I pray to? (For reference, I’m somewhere between 2C and 3A in the naturally curly taxonomy).
Argan oil! It appears in a lot of hair are products, but I get 100% argan oil at Whole Foods. After a shower, I put the oil on my hands and use like lotion. Once most of it is off, I run my hands through my wet hair, starting at the roots and working down to the ends. It is like magic–my hair is so soft and not at all frizzy.
One of my best friends has beautiful frizzy natural curls and she swears by argan oil – the cheap products are decent if you can’t afford anything better, but if you can, pay the extra and go for the purer oils. Also shampoos and conditioners with argan oil or Moroccan oil in can be really helpful 🙂
Hello fellow early gray hair haver! I started going gray at 23. The coarse hairs take some time, but they eventually match the texture of your hair once they’re around for a bit. I used to pluck the really crazy ones, but now they usually copperate. In the meantime, maybe a smoothing oil you put on while your hair is still wet?
Also started with the greys at 23! They’re concentrated around my temples and hairline and make the front of my hair a frizzy nightmare someone please help me.
I would like more information about this witch and this curse, please.
Also, I like a product called Multicultural Curls, which is good for curls, yes, but might also be heavy enough to smooth down the wild greys.
This week my good friend’s father died. 🙁 I am heartbroken for her, and she’s absolutely devastated, but I…did not like the guy. At all. This week has been lots of supportive texts and this weekend I’m going to see if she wants to go out for lunch.
Her parent’s death is not about you. As you seem to realize. Your friend’s loss is paramount right now. No need to be too sappy about the man, just hold her hand.
Yes, absolutely. I guess I’m just feeling a tiny bit guilty that I’m relieved I’ll never have to deal with him again.
Understood.
I feel like a saw a thread about this long ago, but are any Toasties pooling into a group for Hamilton in Chicago? Husband and I have just decided that this is a thing we would like to do (we avoid visiting NYC at all costs, sorry NYC people) but I love planning in advance and single tickets aren’t on sale yet!
Yeah, join the group – The Toast-Chicago – and I’ll add you to the event!
Yay, thank you! Where/what website is this group located?
Oh, sorry! Facebook. If you’re not on, let me know and I’ll find a way to get you my email.
Hello Toasties!
First time poster, longtime admirer from afar.
So I have an interview for an Associate Librarian position this week. I do not have my MLS but I live in a small and boring town where no does. I am not sure how seriously they are considering my application but I obviously want to do well! Does anyone have any advice/tips/encouragement?
Thank you so much!
Not sure what kind of position/department it’s in, but general tips:
Find out what the user population looks like (Mostly retired folks? Lots of job-searchers? Pretty good mix of all kinds of folk?) and come up with a couple of sample program ideas — movie night, resume writing workshop, teen lock-in, bonsai tree basics (real program at my library that is popular with seniors!), whatever. You don’t actually have to do all the work of planning out a real, viable program, just have some ideas in your head about what you’d do for whatever the user pop looks like. Also, like ginkgotree said, stress public service! If it’s in YA or Children’s, know some recent (published in the last 2-3 years) titles, authors, or genre trends. Have an answer for how you’d do reader’s advisory – NoveList, Goodreads, whatever you like.
Good luck!
My boss always says, we can teach the skills here. That’s what training is for. But you can’t train for aptitude or attitude.
Thank you for the advice! I had to submit several essay questions to be considered and one of them was about new program development so I have a feeling that will be very important here. I actually used a resume writing workshop as an example so I am glad to hear I may be on the right track.
I will probably totally be stealing some of your other ideas too if that’s ok with you. Those are great suggestions!
Ditto on the service. They’re probably going to ask you how well you know computers; evaluate your skills on that front honestly and sound as confident as you can! In small libraries every day is an adventure – one day you’ll spend all day long filling out paperwork and the next you’ll be cleaning up bodily fluids. Flexibility is important. If you’re already living in the town where the library is you have an advantage over out-of-town applicants because you already know the community and you have connections outside of the library; emphasize that!
Good luck!
Thanks for the tip about computer stuff- I will def make myself a pro at their online cataloging system at least before I come in.
I DO already live there and I know the head adult reference librarian very casually through friends of friends and I am trying to figure out how to be classy about that. Like, I don’t want to be all “hey I know you remember me we have so many friends in common hire me so we can be bffs” and put any awkward pressure on him. But it could also possibly work to my advantage. I am still working out how I am going to handle that.
What everyone else said! Stress public service and customer service, especially anecdotes of specific times where you’ve had exceptional patience and tact with people who were struggling.
Stress project management or any leadership you’ve had, in directing people or delegating or juggling multiple balls at once. Working with volunteers is very helpful, if you’ve ever done stuff like that (anything from bake sales and phone trees on up). Event planning or programming is great, so is tutoring, so is anything fundraising or budget-management.
If they’re really small, try to suss out early on how much of the prevailing attitude is “we all pitch in around here.” If their director works desk shifts, that’s a good sign that they’re going to be a healthy place to work. Beware red flags that seem like people are working too many hours or are overstressed and understaffed, or if there’s a “not my job” feel; be honest with yourself whether you want to be in that position. Workplace culture is really important in librarianship, for good or bad.
Thanks, that is good advice. I am so excited about the potential oppertunity be a librarian that I feel like I would accept the job even if the library was like, in the basement of a prison where everyone catches lead poisoning and dies young.
I will try to slow down and make the decision rationally but it will be hard. Being a librarian seems like The Dream.
It’s been a while since we had a video game thread (or that I’ve played anything myself). I just got Firewatch and barely started it, but the art is gorgeous and the game play seems interesting and different. It starts of with a story you pick some choices on (warning mine was sad and I assume it always ends sad). You then end up in the middle of the woods as a park employee keeping a lookout for fires. That’s as far as I’ve gotten.
Anyone playing anything new?
I recently played 80 Days and LOVED it. Amazing writing. I need to play more text-based adventures, clearly!
Other than that, XCOM2 is my life atm.
80 Days has been on my steam wishlist for a while now. Perhaps I should just buckle down and buy it this weekend…
I get too anxious from adrenaline to play most games myself, so I watch Mr ZNF when he plays Skyrim or Dishonoured. Portal I and II were so great though! Logic puzzles and barely anything attacking you!
Firewatch is definitely beautiful and I really liked it and I will probably be ordering my pictures. (Here they are (as it warns, some spoilers be under the link).) I kind of love how they turned out — they look a LOT like some of the pictures I took back when I would just get a single-use camera just cause, including similar angles and a continued failure to properly time shots.
I am… probably going to play some of the Division beta? Which I’m a bit surprised about because I had NO interest in it whatsoever but I watched a preview and it seems potentially cool? And it’s something I could play with Mr. Seas (which we haven’t had in a bit — we tend to like really different games). I’m glad there’s a beta though, because for all I know I’ll pick it up and hate the way it controls and that will be that.
Also, more Splatoon, because there’s a splatfest and I will take any excuse. <3
I am really late to the DA: Inquisition party but I bought it for myself as a reward for turning in my dissertation, and I’m already into my second playthrough. First playthough: female Tal Vashoth wise-cracking rogue, supported mages, flirted with literally everyone but only Blackwall returned my affections and I have to say that I’m a little sorry I pursued things with his mopey self-hating self.
New playthrough: human male warrior, supports Templars and totally believes he’s Andraste’s chosen, going to date Cassandra if she’ll let me (although I am so fond of Josephine too, they are both so pretty and so smart!).
I also started playing Terraria recently. I downloaded it when it was free on Xbox but just didn’t understand how not to get killed by zombies at night until recently I saw a few play. I’m still not great at not dying–always fall down holes and forget my umbrella–but I have built a stone palace in the jungle and filled it with glass furniture and weird statues I found underground, so that’s pretty great.
New? No. I have been too busy to play much for a while so I recently revisited my wizard in d3, and am working on better gear for her. I keep wanting to get back to DA:I and also SWTOR but I am just kind of swamped and when I have a free moment, all I really want to do is watch garbage TV and fall asleep.
I am excited for Legion to come out, though. i imagine my gaming mojo will come back around then.
Remind me next week to start a subthread about building wicked-cool gaming machines. Like I know PCPicker and etc. exist but I haven’t even really decided on my budget and feel pretty out-of-touch with the component knowledge I used to have. If anyone has AWESOME SUPER GREAT builds they want to share that will run all the XComs and some other newish resource hogs, please do.
Toasts! I am rediscovering my love of classical music. (Was the sort of super fun kid who wouldn’t listen to anything else until I was thirteen.)
What composers or preformers do you like? Points for being really loud and crash-y.
Shostakovich!
Yes, him!
I went to my first symphony last Saturday after a VERY LONG workweek and was struggling to stay awake until 8pm when it began and nearly fell asleep through the Verdi and Bruch at the start of the program, but post-intermission when they did Shostakovich’s 10th symphony I was definitely NOT sleepy, so it’s good and loud and crash-y. (Also it was pretty thrilling. Verdi and Bruch were booorrrrring)
Berlioz! I listened to Symphonie Fantastique near constantly for…several years.
Ever since I learned about the symbolism/story of the symphony from a music history class, the end of the third movement never fails to give me the morbid giggles every time I listen to it. Talk about literal gallows humor!
Bartok!
I adore Stravinsky! Also Dvořák. Also, ugh, Mussorgskij’s Pictures of An Exhibition is the best.
You are all the best!
The overture of Die Fledermaus! I always picture myself flouncing into a room with it playing in the background.
Ravel! Shosty! Dvořák!
(Also Tchaikovsky because I’m a ballet dancer and he was practically written into my DNA when I was little.)
They’re Neo-Classical rather than regular Classical (because they use some industrial sounds in their music as well as normal instruments), but Elend have a really amazing album called Winds Devouring Men. It’s dark and stormy and has some awesome violin-playing 😀
I listen to Tosca on high volume when I am needing loud and crashy things. Also, have you watched “Mozart in the Jungle” yet? It’s delightful and I’ve been reminded of many amazing pieces I had forgotten.
Do you enjoy watching it? I find it innocuous/enjoyable, but it drives my orchestra teacher boyfriend nuts how they didn’t put any effort into people miming instruments, ha!
Oh, see, I don’t know enough for that to bother me! I like it very much, mostly for the characters and the pacing.
I listen to Sousa marches when I feel ridiculous and loud.
I don’t know much about classical music, but today I listened to an Elgar cello concerto since a friend will be playing it soon, and I was digging it.
My man Ludwig van! also Dvorak. But Beethoven above all (Symphony no. 3! The Kreutzer Sonata! swooooooon)
This is not *exactly* loud and crashy in the overall noise sense, but it has some very bombastic emotional energy.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBUgMI50aA4
Hm. Thi is sort of in the loud and crashy vein, maybe?:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XXGJEt3S5Ec
Holst’s “Planets” suite! My favorite is Jupiter but don’t listen to it in public because you WILL be compelled to do interpretive dances while crying
<3 Jupiter. I’ve had multiple music-y friends use it in their weddings.
Mahler! All of his symphonies, but for maximum crash-y loudness, my favourite is his 5th symphony .
I’m a Bach girl forever and always. Which is neither loud nor crashy, but there we are.
The Toccata and Fugue bit of Fantasia is totally loud and crashy if you crank up the volume enough. (Says someone who did that often as a child cause Bach was my homeboy.)
Hi everyone! I’ve been in LA all week and am here until Monday, and I can’t tell you how great it’s been not to wear pants I am not looking forward to going back to frigid New York.
In other news, I went on an excellent date before I left. We were texting pretty much constantly, and he’s very smart and clever. But now he’s in South Africa for 10 days so I haven’t heard much from him. But I’m so excited about this prospect, which I haven’t been in a while. However, I’m trying to temper by expectations because expectation leads to disappointment. Everything’s coming up Milhouse?
Here’s something that happened to me this week. Some asshole broke into my house and stole one of my computers. Also, my favorite case to my other computer, which fortunately was not stolen, since it had about 20,000 words of not-backed-up novel on it.
I’m sorry. I hope you can get them back somehow, but I suspect it’s probably a long shot. 🙁
Yeah, pretty sure it’s gone for good. I’m just relieved they didn’t take anything important or valuable. Still, if I ever find out who did it, I’ll hold them down and poop on their face.
Better get that novel backed up somewhere safe, and soon.
oh no! That happened to me a few years ago and it was awful.
:hug:
For the comp you still have, this is a totally free way you can track it if it gets stolen: https://preyproject.com/
And, if the cost isn’t prohibitive, having an automatic cloud backup like Carbonite or Backblaze is definitely good for peace of mind.
Sorry you have to deal with that 🙁 I’m home most of the time, but still sometimes paranoid someone’s gonna break in and steal myself and hurt my dog.
Is anyone watching Please Like Me? I tore through the first two seasons on Hulu and woke up this morning to find I’d accidentally bought the third season on amazon. I’m so excited!
I met Josh Thomas when I was a teenager – I can confirm he’s exactly like that in real life and aahhhh I’m so glad he’s making such exciting things now
Yes! Just a week or two ago I watched it all. I don’t generally laugh out loud while watching TV but I did with Please Like Me.
Yesssss it’s the best thing ever!
I have no idea when this was, but I remember reading a thread of love for That Thing You Do.
Here is Tom Hanks doing a seven minute reenactment of all of his film roles, including That Thing You Do and Joe Vs the Volcano.
http://liketodiscover.com/tom-hanks-hilariously-r…
Hi Toasties, long time lurker/first time commenter, and I could use your advice and wisdom.
Yesterday I think my ex and myself finally – FINALLY – reached the stage of “wow, this is really, truly, irrevocably over” after several stop-starts since our official break-up in 2014. My anxiety and worry about the future without him (still someone I love very much and who I consider my best friend, despite his long record of garbage behavior) is in high gear. Any stories of perseverance or commiseration as regards break-ups/moving on/etc. would be much appreciated.
ETA: Y’all are the best.
You will be okay! It’s really fun discovering who you are without a long time partner, though it is also tough. There are glorious moments where you will suddenly realize you are doing/eating/buying something that YOU like that your partner didn’t, and it will be magical and lovely. No one interrupts your naps! The ice cream you bought is still in the freezer, waiting for you!
For me, there was a magical moment when the end of the month arrived, and bills were due, and I knew how much money I had and I could pay all the bills. After years of juggling and worrying and negotiating, I was free.
I made myself a bunch of playlists for coping. I have songs for heartbreak, songs for feeling better, the therapy list, and others. I find them very helpful.
Thank you! Already I’m thinking I may get some pizza and snuggle in to watch a reality tv show tonight (2 things my ex detested but which are my guilty-not-guilty pleasures). And making playlists based on moods is a great idea too, as already I’ve swung from despair to euphoria a few times today.
YMMV, but I found it really helpful to read up on the chemical properties of affection – how our brains get ‘love drunk’ and form attachments that our rational, computer mind-bits find it difficult to unravel.
Also, move yourself – physically – as much as you can, depending on your circumstances, of course. Walk. Dance. Roll around on the floor. Somehow, it helps.
Does anyone want to talk about the ending to the Divergent trilogy? (Spoilers below).
Argh. I loved Divergent and liked Insurgent a lot, but argh.
* I don’t have a problem with protagonists being killed off, necessarily, but it shouldn’t seem unnecessary. There were so many plot holes that I just didn’t find it believable that there wasn’t another way. In that really messed up meeting when they all decided “well logically, one of us has to die, so who’s it going to be?”, it didn’t seem like they’d even considered other options. I mean, I can’t actually see another way that wouldn’t have resulted in more loss of life, but it was so badly written that it didn’t feel convincing to me that it was necessary. The plot seemed really engineered.
* I know that in Insurgent Tris supposedly came to value her own life, but i’m not convinced her sacrificing herself wasn’t motivated by guilt and grief, given the things she says to her mother at the end.
* Tris is written to be relatable, and kind of a power fantasy for young women (I don’t mean that in a bad way, and I don’t mean that her abilities are unrealistic; but we are supposed to want to be like her). So it’s kind of messed up that it seems like she sacrificed herself unnecessarily?
I read an interview with Veronica Roth where she said something like, she didn’t want it to be like other YA novels where the protagonist doesn’t die, despite how dangerous the situation is, and that men in stories get to sacrifice themselves heroically but women don’t. And that she wanted to do the opposite of that trope. But there was a post going around tumblr a while ago about how YA heroines being self-sacrificing is a trope, and a problematic one, when women are raised to always consider other people before themselves.
* Surely the government found it suspicious that everyone at the bureau lost their memories and then immediately changed their ideological position, with the exception of a few people from the city, including someone who had recently participated in an attempted insurrection?
Sorry that was long >_< I’m still excited about the film. The trailer for the first half of Allegiant looks quite different from the book.
I’ve basically blocked any memory of that book out of my mind but I remember hating it so much because NONE OF IT MADE SENSE. It felt really rushed and like she just wanted to be done with it.
ughhh you guys I need y’all to reassure me that I’m not a fool for expecting men who are literally almost twice my age to just see “girl, 20, not looking for a relationship” and think “not for me then”? I joined ~a social media site for people with a certain interest~ and tbh I was expecting to get message from dickbags but there’s this one guy who’s LITERALLY ALMOST TWICE MY AGE (I can’t stop repeating this enough because my age is right there on my profile, a great big two and a zero, it’s not fucking difficult to do the maths and work out that he is LITERALLY OLD ENOUGH TO BE MY DAD)
Today he asked “why aren’t you replying to my messages?” and for some reason this makes me angrier than messages that are blatantly building up to “want my dick?”
Am I being crazy for being so aggravated by this?? I this just the sad reality of being female on the internet??
LITERALLY SEVENTEEN YEARS OLDER THAN ME?!?!?!!?!?!??!?!!?!?!?
Ugh, rant over. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest~
Ugh. Men.
You are not a fool. Men are just really stupid and entitled.
(I originally modified the previous sentence with “sometimes.” Then I thought about it some more.)
UGH. Dudes like this manage to be both predatory and pathetic at the same time. Like you’d feel sorry for them if you weren’t so disgusted.
Like you’d feel sorry for them if you weren’t so disgusted.
Thank you for articulating a breed of disdain I’ve often felt but had never thought to describe.
Oh god that is exactly it
Fucking gross. It is a sad reality of being female on the internet, but at the same time you are 100% justified in being aggravated.
Nope. Every time I’m on a site like that I get tons of stuff from people outside of my (pretty generously set) age parameters. Very aggravating.
You aren’t a fool or crazy, they’re predators and you are already smart enough to know that! Which is great because a lot of smart women at 19 or 20 think that a man that age liking them means they’re sophisticated.
If it were me I’d tell them off. I’d be like, OH MY GOD, EWWWW YOU ARE SO OLD AND NASTY, STOP MESSAGING ME YOU GIANT GROSS CREEPER. Then block them.
I don’t do it a lot but sometimes when i get catcalled and I feel like I have a good chance of not being murdered I stop in my tracks, look them up and down and really shout, “OH MY GOD DID YOU JUST CATCALL ME? EWW LIKE, NO WAY YOU ARE SOOOOOO GROSS, OMG, CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS GUY THINKS HE HAS A CHANCE WITH ME? HAHAHA, OK LATER LOSER”. And they get so UPSET. So Upset, it freaks them out to much. This one guy kind of looked me up and down one time and I held his eye, then looked him up and down and laughed in his face and the look on his face….it’s what I hope to see again right before I die. He was SO UPSET.
I’m against shame in all formats except when it turns the tables. These guys are getting off on their power to compel a response. If it doesn’t go the way they hope it really fucks with them.
I say this with this disclaimer, Only do it if you feel very safe and can block him because he might say something really awful after you do it, but man, in your position i’d be actively trolling creeps and giving them hell.
I used to get ridiculously older male customers saying really crude things when I worked in a bar and my usual response was to look at every woman nearby, look at the guy and then all of us would laugh at him, and I know that it’s no fun to be laughed at but omg do some people deserve it. At least men in bars have drunkenness as an excuse ¬___¬
Toasties of an academic persuasion:
The deadline for my graduate study application is two weeks away. WHYYYYyy has my last referee not yet submitted the reference he (enthusiastically) agreed to write a month ago?? I have already sent him a gentle cheery nudge email.
I just want to plan my life! I just want to have something to look forward to! I JUST WANT TO WRITE ABOUT FEMINIST LEGAL THEORY *cries, confirming every bluestocking stereotype*
Awww, I hope he’ll submit soon! Good luck with your grad school application!
a few things:
1) one of my referees sent hers in an hour before it was due. it will be ok.
2) the head of my program told me this year that they never penalize applications with late references because professors are terrible about submitting them on time.
3) I am taking a class co-taught by the philosophy department and law school on contemporary issues in feminism and now all I want to do is talk and write about feminist legal theory too!
Augh, I had a referrerrerer promise four times she’d submit something for me, and then go totally incommunicado the month before it was due. I had to scramble for a last-minute replacement. BUT IT ALL WORKED OUT. YOU CAN DO THIS. Even though the system totally suuuuuuuuuuuuuucks.
Oh, man. I write recommendations all the time, and I have to say that if there are still 2 weeks to go, not yet having the letter in sounds like a very normal situation to me. You have to remember that recommenders have tons of stuff to do and they care about your letter, but a lot of their other stuff is even more pressing and has an earlier deadline — for example, they certainly have other recommendation letters in addition to yours to write, and very little control over how many students ask them — and they might even have a big thing going on in their personal life, or be ill — you just never know. It is better to err on the side of generosity.
And if it gets down to 1 week, you can send another gentle cheery nudge email — that seems totally reasonable and helpful to do. Fingers crossed, I bet it will be fine.
I discovered that chia seed pudding, while it looks almost exactly like frog spawn, is delicious and filling.
(In fairness, frog spawn may also be delicious and filling, but my dedication to science is not that deep or that true.)
it is! and you can make so many flavors!
I used coconut milk, honey, and lime juice, for a pudding version of the Key Lime smoothie I like to make when avocados are in season.
WOW I’m stealing this idea!! The best combination I’ve come up with so far has been unsweetened vanilla almond milk and canned blueberries.
I’ve also seen recipes involving canned pumpkin and pumpkin spice.
i was going to come in and write this same comment. i still haven’t tried the pumpkin one yet, but i have a pumpkin that needs to be cooked…
I, on the other hand, have cooked pumpkin that needs to be used in order to free up the cans for more pumpkin.
Update: I am now eating chia pudding with pumpkin, coconut milk, honey, ginger, cinnamon, allspice, and cardamom. It is delicious.
i made 2 last night! one was just a simplified version of the cherry / walnut milk recipe, and then the pistachio milk / cardamom recipe, both in the link i posted last night, below.
i think i got stuck on always doing these with coconut milk, and i didn’t have a vitamix before, but i feel like alt nut milks really open up all kinds of possibilities.
yours sounds fantastic!
your base is a good one, just try adding all kinds of things. i’ve seen coconut milk typically, i think because it’s thicker, but sky’s the limit after that. add cacao powder and some honey for chocolate. zest of any citrus is nice.
this post has a bunch i want to try.
My little sister is very into matcha chia seed pudding. Which sounds like one of the hippiest things you can imagine, but she swears is delicious.
I respect your dedication to science and that it has boundaries.
You all, I spent way too much time doing other things at work this morning BUT
I need… a pat on the back? A virtual hug? I don’t know.
This has been the week from hell. Sadness over a beloved coworker retiring. I went to the director of our institution to remind him that “Hey, around 4:30 we’ll be breaking out all of the food and stuff for Jane’s retirement and we’d love to see you down there for a minute or two.” To which I was told that there was a history there that I wasn’t aware of and it would be best if he didn’t come down. After the frustration of politely telling him on three separate occasions that he needs to interact with his staff more and been given an excuse EACH TIME I lamely said “Think about how that looks to the other staff…” which he cut off with a “Well in that situation they can honestly think whatever they like.” I awkwardly nodded and fled his office. he appreciates none of his employees (professional level or otherwise) and does nothing but hide in his office and avoid any sort of conflict.
To top it off, the hubs got a shitty review at work where his manager (also BAD- it’s a theme!) basically turned around and accused him of all of the unpleasant stuff that SHE does on a regular basis (uncooperative, doesn’t reach out for help, we like the work just not how you’re *doing* the work, etc.) and basically threatened his livelihood though he is one man doing the work of 5 and is the sole reason the department is still standing.
tl;dr: bosses fucking suck and most of them should NOT be bosses!
Wow, that’s really terrible boss behaviour, and just terrible human behaviour. On both your bosses. Is there some kind of HR department that could gently interfere? I can only offer virtual hugs and imaginary cookies.
That’s what I said to my husband! It doesn’t matter what your history is with that person, they gave 30 years to our city and simple business etiquette says that you should at least just say “Thank you for your service.” As for HR, no. Because HR only ever sides with management. Ever. Hubs has wanted to leave his job for a while now but is pissed because if a future employer asks to see his performance evals what is he supposed to say??? I accept your virtual hugs and imaginary cookies and use them to steel myself as I ready myself to do battle with the public.
I would encourage him to go ahead and job search; even if his “if” comes true, there’s strategies (other references, for instancel; looking for jobs among his own network) to use, and ultimately – people with bad job evals have got new jobs, it’s happened before (think of some of the bad co-workers we’ve all had to deal with…)
Appalling managers is my theme of the day! (Not mine, but other people’s). I just read a case study about how leadership shapes so much of the workplace atmosphere, right down to the likelihood of people acting ethically or not; then I talked to a wonderful, smart as paint colleague who is constantly being talked over by her out-for-himself boss; and then I was reminded of a discussion group run in our company with entry-level employees where almost everyone (80%) had a bad manager experience.
So yes, bosses suck, and it completely matters, and I am livid on you and your husband’s behalf!
Toasties, hooooooow am I going to survive in this conservative, internalized racist/homophobic/misogynistic office until the election? This is a legitimate question, I think? I’m not here to start fights or get into intense discussion during my work day, I’m here to do my work, earn my paycheck, and go home — but these horrible conversations happen around me constantly, and it’s constantly lifting a match to my powder keg and making me furious that I have to listen to people vocalize these (to me) offensive opinions out loud like no one could possibly disagree with them.
Maybe that’s what bothers me most? You’re welcome and entitled to your opinions and politics, whatever they are, but I DO NOT feel like the office is the place to have these conversations LOUDLY and asserting your dominant opinion like no one could possibly be offended by it?
Maybe I just needed to vent. It’s just been really bad lately and it’s not like I can get up and leave my desk for hours at a time to avoid this…
I’ve had similar problems though not to that apparent extent. I think at a certain point if it’s getting to where you think you’re going to blow up, it’s completely valid to take someone aside and politely ask that certain topics of conversation be kept private. It may or may not help, but it’s better than stewing in silence and then having any sort of incident that will make you look like the unreasonable one.
In my office, various people have said out loud “let’s drop this” over some topics – and you could make an argument that the loudness of the ‘discussions’ is distracting, regardless of the topic. (Are headphones a possibility? Podcasts have saved me many sanity points)
I am right there with you, and earphones don’t work. I’ll take any and all suggestions.
you’re not just venting, it’s inappropriate office behavior to say the least. if you can come up with something brief and to the point, like “hey guys, time to take the politics outside!” and just repeat it as often as necessary, hopefully they’ll get the point.
Happy Friday, Toasties! This weekend is the annual masquerade ball in my town and it’s an excuse to create an amazing costume and dress scandalously and smooch everyone with impunity. It’s basically my Christmas. I can’t wait! Plus Monday is my birthday and my husband and I often use our birthdays as a good reason to have a threesome with someone, so maybe the night will end like that. We’ve never had a MMF threesome but my husband is GGG so this could be my chance. I’ve been day dreaming about potential candidates all week…! *heart eyes*
What are YOU doing this weekend?
Also, I left Facebook almost a year ago so this is my first birthday with no Facebook. I think I’ll be a bit sad! 🙂
i’ll be spending my weekend fantasizing about your weekend. not to put too fine a point on it. 😉
Happy birthday! I hope you and your husband and the hottest gentleman of your daydreams enjoy yourselves.
Oops. Accidentally double-posted. See comment above!
Take time to grieve the relationship. Five years is a long time to think in a certain way (as a “we”), and it takes time to retrain all those brain pathways to put yourself first. You deserve to be happy and loved. There will be some trying times ahead, but you know that you did the right thing.
I broke off an engagement many moons ago and it was very difficult, but looking back it was the best decision I ever made. It was messy, and it was an extended breakup with some stop-starts and couples counselling, and we lived together and shared everything, but we teased our lives apart and both ended up marrying other lovely people. I’ve always wanted to be friends with him again because he was such a wonderful man, but he’s never responded to any emails so I had to move on without his friendship, unfortunately.
I’m proud of you. Go on a little trip (or a big trip?), do something you’ve always wanted to do, eat your favourite foods, buy some new sheets, and rejoice in a big empty bed.
Thank you so much for the kind words and encouragement! Buying new bedsheets is an A++ idea.
I am Coleridge.
I was dreaming that I was riding the horse I had when I was ten. First horse. The greatest horse love except maybe one you saw born or something. The horse who taught me about horses. And my little son was there, riding double in front of me, thrilled. Ultimate happiness. It was like, ecstasy.
The phone rang. My father had a newspaper clipping to fax me, but he’d sent it to the voice line. At 5:00am.
That Vanity Fair article about Joan Didion… Anyone else bothered by it? (This is maybe coming a bit late in internet time, but… here’s the link: http://www.vanityfair.com/culture/2016/02/joan-di… I read it because it was linked in the Ann Friedman weekly newsletter, but I don’t think there was anything redeeming about it. The insight that Didion exposed the dark side of L.A., and made everyone reconsider the city is old news. As is the insight that she is misrepresented if you only know her recent grief memoirs.The rest of it was cheap shots: speculations about the dynamic of her long and loving marriage (she dominated her husband, because he was an inferior talent); gossipy insinuations that they were starf*ckers on arrival in California; criticism because she stole someone’s story for the ending of Play It As It Lays (don’t all fiction writers steal things they hear?); claims that Maria (the protagonist) is basically a stand-in for Didion. Like a slanderous “unauthorized bio,” crafted for click-bait, masquerading as serious writing. Even the attempts at an Andy Warhol comparison seemed spurious. ETA: or if there was something redeeming about it, l want to know! I haven’t been able to discuss it with anybody!
I don’t even like Didion much, and I’ve not RTFA, but all of those ‘accusations’ sound flimsy and sexist AF (which is Vanity Fair’s thing right now, someone on twitter posted two insanely sexist quotes from a recent issue, ugh). Like, an author creating a character based on themselves – heaven forfend! Are we throwing Bellow in Lit Jail for that?
Thrilled that Fire Emblem: Fates comes out today, even though I’ve poured 50+ hours into Awakening and still haven’t completed it yet. Gotta get those supports!
I am very excited as well! Although I will have to wait until next week to play as I ordered the special edition and it will not be here until wednesday 🙁
Are you planning on playing Birthright or Conquest? (or both?)
Does anyone have good ideas on artsy exercises outlets when you’re a little stir crazy? I’m feeling wild-child today and want to channel it into something creative, but most more traditional arts outlets end up feeling too fussy and focused. Honestly, this usually ends with me half try to start painting or writing something, feeling too energetic and ending up getting tipsy on wine and dancing around my room. Which, you know, great night, but it’d be fun to actually channel. And it seems like toasties might be just the type to have amazing ideas.
Ooooo I recommend you get Lynda Barry’s What It Is — it’s part collage/art book, part memoir, and a TON of really cool creative writing exercises that I think would go toward what you want. I believe there’s a second book (called Syllabus?) that’s similar but with drawing exercises. And she posts extra-credit assignments for her amazing sounding comic-drawing class at UW that you can steal here: http://thenearsightedmonkey.tumblr.com/
ooo! THIS LOOKS PERFECT
Collage with old scrap paper/magazines; Writing a letter (and decorating the envelope/postcard); making mix tapes; baking; sorting through buttons/coins and arranging them into shapes; jewellery making; origami or paper cutting; colouring books; Jackson Pollock-style splatter art (or Rorsarch-test style blot art); finger knitting; rearranging the art on your walls…
oo, thanks!
Fancy adult coloring books! I highly recommend Johanna Basford’s books, such as: http://www.amazon.com/Secret-Garden-Inky-Treasure…
It’s very fun and calming.
Guys, I have a friend who is moving to Chicago and is looking for recommendations of good books to read before moving to Chicago (like, books set in Chicago). Someone gave her Devil in the White City which is … not a book that is going to make you feel great about moving to Chicago! Any suggestions? Chicago citizens, what books make you feel good about your city?
Devil in the White city is awesome, though! But, try Sin in the Second City. https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/219780.Sin_in…
Crossing California and Washington Story were faves of mine well before I ever thought I’d live here. I haven’t reread since moving here, but, such fun books.
I recently read historical fiction called White Collar Girl which didn’t blow me away but it was full of great local detail and, i understand, pretty accurate historically.
Nonfiction-wise, I loved The Working Man’s Reward, and Exit Zero (okay, that one’s very sad, but it’s gorgeously written and you get a sense of the subjects’ pride in their history). Nature’s Metropolis has been on the to-read shelf forever…
I have spent 0 time in Chicago, but I LOVED Crossing California and Washington Story. I haven’t read either in a long time, but I remember them being great and also very much about Chicago as a city (rather than just happening to be set in Chicago).
yes, so detailed! I haven’t spent much time in Rogers Park but after I reread Crossing California I will need to go for a long CC-themed walkabout there. Mostly I just love the tone of the books, like the author is constantly making fun of his characters in a VERY affectionate way. And I totally went to high school with most of those kids.
The Chicagoan – A Magazine of the Jazz Age, it’s beautiful and fascinating. There’s a top 40 here which looks full of good stuff – like Sandra Cisneros.
If she’s open to reading romance, most of Julie James books are set in Chicago, and they’re really good.
Check out Joe Meno or Aleksandar Hemon? If she’s into kids books at all, Chasing Vermeer and The Sixty-Four Rooms have some charming bits about the Art Institute. (The titular rooms being the Thorne Rooms.)
The Jungle! Just kidding. Looks like Wiki has some good lists: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:Novels_set… https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_fiction_set…
I’ve read a few but haven’t loved any.
You guys, yesterday I found out that Beverly Cleary didn’t apply to the U.C. Berkley librarianship program for the same reason I didn’t — they come across as big old snobs.
Yeah they are totally Silicon Valley grooming up in there. But also they are non-ALA accredited which means they are one of the only schools in North America to have License To Innovate. Which is why all their grads are making six figures now, in Silicon Valley. So, it’s complex.
Yeah they are totally Silicon Valley grooming up in there. But also they are non-ALA accredited which means they are one of the only schools in North America to have License To Innovate. Which is why all their grads are making six figures now, in Silicon Valley. So, it’s complex.
I love Beverly Cleary!
BOOK RECOMMENDATION!
Right now I’m reading “Trick” by Natalia Jaster. I’m pretty sure it’s a self-pubbed (maybe indie-pubbed) book. It’s so beautiful and lyrical and compelling, I can’t believe it’s not been snapped up by a major publisher! If you like fantasy-set stories with prickly princesses and lots of secrets, it’s for you.
It actually reminds me most of “Uprooted” by Naomi Novik, so if you loved that, give Trick a try.
Ooh, I loved Uprooted and wished it had been about 10 times longer! I’ll have to give that a try.
I’m seeing Hamilton in April and will be staying with a friend walking distance from the theater. What does one wear to a Broadway show?? I’m from Seattle where you can wear your jeans and birkenstocks to the symphony if you want.
You can wear that to a Broadway Show. People only dress up for Lincoln Center here, I think.
Totally acceptable attire here, too!
I’d say something comfy because the seats are not so much, and constantly plucking at a waistband or whatever gets old. You could dress up a bit if you’d like and not look out of place, either. But jeans are pretty standard.
Agree comfy is the way to go. You might want to layer as well; most of the theaters here I’ve been to are cold, so it’s nice to wear a cardigan/pullover for extra warmth. Only other tip: if it’s a cold or rainy day, take a minimal coat with you; there’s not a coat check at most theaters and there’s also not a lot of room around your seat for a bulky coat, so be prepared to scrunch it in your lap or put in on the (ugh gross) floor.
I really want a “If Donna Haraway were your girlfriend” piece today.
I read that as “Donna Hayward”, which makes me want “If Audrey Horne were your girlfriend.”
I want that, too.
I would SO be here for this.
I read this as Donna Noble and honestly it’s a toss-up. I can’t decide which I miss more, undergrad or pre-moffat Doctor Who.
Lifting Toasties, I need your suggestions!
I used to love doing Stronglifts 5×5, but I’ve been out for 2 years with back/foot injuries. I’m slowly starting to lift again, but I need to avoid lifts that put downward pressure on my spine. That means no deadlifts and only light squats 🙁 Any suggestions for other lower body lifts? Leg press machines are not great for my back either and my knees protest lunges, so I’m not sure what’s left.
The one thing that looks promising so far is barbell hip thrusts. I’ve done them before, but late at night in my apartment gym. I’m a little nervous about going to my university gym full of 18 year old bros to do an exercise that makes me look like I’m humping the barbell, but whatever.
So I don’t lift, BUT I lurk pretty hard at the xxfitness subreddit, and the commenters there are super helpful, and would probably be able to give you some advice! (I promise it’s not horrible like other parts of Reddit! It’s all women talking about fitness, and people are very friendly/supportive!)
I’d forgotten about that one! I used to lurk there many years ago, but maybe it’s time to start participating.
When you’re saying your knees protest lunges, is that, like, “they get a little achey” protest, or is that like “old knee injuries flaring up” protest? If you can’t do heavy squats, pistol squats and step-ups, weighted or otherwise, can be great alternatives, but they might both hurt your knees. Other stuff that can at least get some quad activation would be biking with heavy resistance and rowing. For hamstrings, glute-ham raises and lying leg curls are the best I can think of. Unfortunately, legs are so strong that without barbell exercises it’s difficult to train them effectively.
Unfortunately, it’s the “old injury” kind of hurt. They’re less injured than my back, so I should try some of those things and see what happens. Thanks!
I got my stitches out from my rotator cuff surgery and my ortho is very pleased. I am just achy, sleepy and cranky.
Also I had a dream where my former best friend was back in my life, and it was real enough that I believed it, and I’m still sad. Every time I think I’m over losing that bastard something like this happens. I don’t even want him to come back! Wtf brain?!?
My brain does that too with basically the exact same situation, so I totally feel you. It’s the worst feeling.
Whhhhyyyy isn’t my dream self yelling at him/cooly ignoring him/anything but having a lovely time like we did once upon a time.
I got to sort-of meet an actress that I have seen on TV and such, so that was certainly wonderful and surprising. I won’t say who it is because I don’t want to be THAT jerk, but she is lovely and you probably liked her on TV.
Would you still be a jerk if you gave us a teeny-tiny hint?
I don’t know, I might be a jerk, or a madwoman, or if I identified as male… a mad man.
Anyways it was wonderful and surprising to see her in person.
HMMMMM
Toasts, it is February and news continues to be terrible and I am not feeling good about humanity. What small things are giving you hope right now?
I am working on a project where all of the 20 or so researchers are female, my office continues to stock delicious mint tea in the kitchen (they switched from an inferior mint tea a few weeks ago, and I didn’t know if it was for good), and the days are getting longer.
I am idly musing travel plans, which fills me with some sort of, like, vicarious-to-myself joy. Just reading about other places and finding things that could potentially be great to do is really wonderful.
So, Toasties, if a daal recipe calls for yellow split peas, and one were to use green ones by mistake, how screwed would one be, hypothetically? Asking for a friend.
(the friend is me I fucked up y’all)
taste it! i bet it’s good.
Thanks, I hope so! Right now I’m just powering through the recipe and hoping for the best. More on this as it develops.
the only thing is the green ones may take longer to cook. It’s still dal!
Whew! Yeah, I simmered it for a while and it came out alright, which is a relief since it’s for a potluck
It’s fine! I make a lot of Indian food and often switch out legumes for what I have. Yellow split peas for green split peas, red split lentils for white split lentils, sometimes I’ll even us something totally different if the flavor combination seems interesting and I don’t want to make a shopping trip! Just keep an eye on the cooking times!
Good to know. It was my first time making it, and I wasn’t sure. My friend who isn’t South Asian said it tasted like “her mom’s split-pea soup” so I’m going to go ahead and say it was fine 🙂
My boss is a racist and mercilessly judges only-children. On Martin Luther King Day he went on a rant about how the US had to choose a holiday for “that black guy.” Then the other day, with 7 people present, he went on and on about how spoiled only-children are and we’re all lucky we have siblings. (I don’t have siblings.)
Also today, I was really distracted talking to someone at the coffee bar and put something in my coffee other than half-n-half. I don’t know if it was the coconut creamer or the soy milk, but it’s oddly not terrible.
I’m going to a big birthday party in the mountains tomorrow night.
Christ, what an asshole. Your boss, I mean. The party sounds cool though! Mountain stargazing ftw.
i’m sure younger-siblings everywhere are glad to know that their sole reason for existence is to keep us eldests from getting too comfortable.
1. I am sick, pity me.
2. I am waiting for several important emails with GREAT IMPATIENCE. I cannot deal.
3. I have been catless for two weeks and I really want another cat. I don’t know if it’s too soon. My younger daughter has never experienced death before, and she keeps asking where Liza is and then answering her own question: “She’s not coming back. Liza time is all done.” 🙁 🙁 🙁
Get well soon! Being sick is the worst. Gah.
I’m very sorry for your loss 🙁
Oh honey, I’m sorry.
being sick and waiting for emails would be a lot easier with a cat. maybe it’s not too soon, and when you’re better, you can try meeting some and see what you think of them.
That is so sad, for you and your daughter. Sorry for your loss. Hope you feel better soon (in all ways).
:((((
Sorry again for your loss Nikki. I lost my best beloved cat two years ago. It was about six months until I got new cats, and I was solidly miserable for the entire interval. I’m not really sorry I waited as long as I did, but nothing really made me feel better until new catfriends. I’m sure you’ll make the right decision (there’s no wrong one). Until then though, poor you and poor kiddos and I hope you feel better soon.
“She’s not coming back. Liza time is all done.”
That is so sweet and sad, but it seems like she does have a handle on it. Have you asked her how she feels about another kitty?
Augh, children’s unique interpretation of death are so, so heartbreaking. I’ll remember that line forever. I hope you guys can talk soon about getting another kitty.
Also sick here. Let’s feel better soon.
Sorry about Liza. Maybe talk to your daughter and see what she’d think about a new cat or kitty, and then — after you’re feeling better — both of you could check out some cats together?
It’s only too soon if it feels too soon for you and your family. No one else’s opinion matters. Go get you a cat, if you and your daughter want one!
There’s no right or wrong about timing, if you really want another cat then get one. I can’t imagine being happy catless when mine go.
I live in slightly upstate New York, and this winter has been ridiculously mild, all things considered, but I’m still g-d sick of it and feel trapped in my tiny apartment with my two needy children and two needy animals. I want sunshine and warm breezes and some freaking grass and to be able to take my baby outside for longer than five minutes.
Knowing that this happens every year doesn’t make it any better.
You are brave. I lived in upstate New York for a while and eventually ran away forever because I couldn’t handle the cold and dark..and the dark and cold. It will eventually end! There will be warm breezes and sunshine soon!
Lemon Poppy Seed Pancakes with Blueberry and Apple Cider Vinegar Syrup for dinner will report on success later.
~90% success. Could have used a touch more lemon zest and I needed to boil the syrup down more than I did. Otherwise delicious, the vinegar kept the syrup tart like fresh berries and easily made up for the lemon zest.
I have already boiled the syrup some more and have half the batter left for tomorrow!
Dang, that’s an awesome combination that would not have occurred to me. Did you use a recipe?
I got the syrup from ladyimogen last month (There’s a pancake thread at the bottom of page 1) it’s this just this recipe with blueberries and apple cider vinegar (I didn’t strain it because why would you throw away blueberries if you weren’t trying to drink it)
Then I just pretty much used the first result from google which ended up being this recipe for the pancakes (the amount given for zest is probably fine I was trying to save half of my lemon for something else and so was a bit shy around the middle).
In general I’ve been trying to up my pancake game for the last month now because of that thread.
For the record I made a half batch of the pancakes and a 1/4 batch of the syrup (a quart and a half is a big ask) and I think the 1/4 batch of syrup would be enough to for a full batch of pancakes as long as you went a little light.
I am working hard on the inside to stave off some blues due to a disappearing romantic interest and also February, with like 80% success? My positives for the week include getting an annual bonus + an amazing ~greenery~ connection, not leaving the dirty dishes in the sink for days on end, Broad City coming back, and discovering my secret office platonic girlcrush is mutual.
Those are all fantastic positives!
Maybe I should start saying “greenery” a la Broad City too, I kinda like it!
So, I work in the library at a private school and when I walked into my room today, I noticed several of my desk drawers were open, the trash can had been spilled across the floor, and the smell of cigarettes was strong in the air. It turns out that two homeless people broke in and spent the night. They emptied the first aid kit, ate my Valentine’s Lindt chocolates and half of a Luna bar, stole the cash box, and tried to pry open the safe. They also stole a kid’s expired epi-pen and apparently used it. I guess these people aren’t applying for MENSA anytime soon. Anyway, my morning has been spent talking to the police, who were very helpful, and discovering more little items which were taken (Lysol wipes, trash bags, an Amazon gift card I left lying out.) Funnily enough, they did not eat my organic Pink Lady apple, nor did they touch the computer.
I felt sick for five minutes before my brain went into Writer Mode and began trying to dissect their motives.
I couldn’t post about this on FB because several of the school families follow me and that’s not the kind of publicity we’re looking for.
Ugh, I’m so sorry 🙁
Firstly, that is awful and I am so sorry that happened to you! Second, they ate your Lindt Valentine chocolates!?! That’s worse of all!
It’s probably hubris to think you can get into the minds of not only people you haven’t met, but people who clearly have lived a very different life and are in what is probably an undesirable (to them) and difficult situation.
I get where you’re coming from here, but lilyreads is probably feeling pretty shaken up about this and that’s a perfectly valid response.
Thank you to the people who joined my pity party in Monday’s open thread – my mother did drag me out to urgent care on Tuesday where we learned that my sinus infection/cold thing had morphed into mild bronchitis. I still haven’t had a decent night’s sleep in days (at around 6 am this morning, I sorta woke up to find myself standing in my bathroom getting ready to take a hot shower and, well, that explained a lot about the past few nights), but I think I’ll be more or less back to normal soon. I even got through 45 minutes of my hour tai chi class today!
Bodies, they’re so weird. All the advice for decreasing the weirdness was much appreciated.
Toast, I am having a pretty good week. Only one mildly bad thing happened, which was that I spilled a mostly-full margarita down myself at a bar last night, and the glass smashed into a zillion pieces on the floor. But the waiters were very nice and helpful, and they made me a new drink, so it’s all good.
Tonight I am going to go home, eat tacos with my husband, pour myself a drink, and catch up on Jane the Virgin and Broad City. Life? It is okay!
Late to the party, but I hope that everyone enjoys watching someone in a T. rex costume riding a remarkably blase Paso Fino stallion to the dulcet strains of the Jurassic Park soundtrack. It is majestically bizarre.
This is perfect!
New to commenting, so I should introduce myself I guess? Canadian, uni student (English and history), writer (short stories, articles, working on a novel), married for 6 months to a pun-loving science geek, left-leaning Lutheran Christian, nerd. I love The Toast so much, the link posts are one of the highlights of my day.
Hi!
Hello and welcome!
Hello, nice to meet you! 🙂
I just made a donation to Planned Parenthood in honor of KY Governor Matt Bevin, that weasel. I hope it gives his staff a chuckle.
Heh, I recently made one in honor of my least-favorite public official in the state where I used to live. Feels good.
Habits I am doing well on:
Gratitude lists, planning my outfit the day before, making lunch ahead of time.
Habits I am doing badly at:
Not reading the Jez comments.
Anyone else trying to re-wire their routines?
I’m trying to only take the stairs (when possible, I’m not going to walk to the 18th floor) for a month, if that counts.
Toasties, my friend of the “neo-liberal hellscape” pronouncement who Berniebroed out on me on Sunday then unfollowed or blocked me on Twitter has still not spoken to me. The longer this goes on the less sad and more irritated-to-angry I become. If he ever deigns to talk to me again I’m not sure what my reaction will be. Like I genuinely don’t know if I’ll just be like, “that was weird and shitty enough that it has fundamentally changed how I feel I can approach you as a person” and THAT is giving me angst.
In happier news, I started some preliminary research and planning for a trip to Florida in the late fall. Bucket lists aren’t really my thing, but I’m definitely going to v. respectfully swim with the manatees (although from my reading it seems more like you sort of bob quietly in the presence of the manatees but I am down for that too).
Manatees are kind of a trip because they just float with the current most of the time which means there’s no real push of water as they move. Sometimes you’ll be swimming, turn your head and there’s just this wall of hide and algae that managed to utterly sneak up on you.
“they just float with the current most of the time”
I relate to this so hard. This is basically the Platonic Ideal of one perfect weekend day (the other day is the Get Shit Done day).
Where abouts in Florida are you looking to visit? Because I would like to very humbly suggest taking a trip through NEFL if you can. Our national park area is gorgeous for picnicking and paddleboarding and stuff, we we have a couple of excellent art museums. 🙂 (Also the Lightner in St Augustine is awesome because it’s a treasure-trove of Gilded Age rich people collections and there’s a dinosaur egg, a mummy, and this nifty crystal carousel thingy that moves with steam! Also an ENORMOUS indoor swimming pool that used to double as a ballroom and it’s drained now. It’s kind of a lot of fun to poke around there at least once. It’s just a few blocks away from the Castillo de San Marco and some pretty good restaurants/bars.)
Ugh, what I have seen of St. Augustine is AWESOME, and I would totally love to kick around there one day (instead of just having lunch and a quick stroll while driving through). This trip is my manatee/Dry Tortugas thing so I will be heading south and east. I have plans to stop off at Weeki Wachee Springs for a mermaid show, the International Independent Showmen’s Museum, and Coral Castle before heading into the Keys. Because I get, like, 99% of my travel must-dos from Roadside America.
Luckily I have a ton of Amtrak points, so I can imagine doing a solely-Augustine trip in the future!
Yay Dry Tortugas! Coral Castle is weird but kind of underwhelming. If you haven’t been to the Everglades and have even an extra hour I highly recommend stopping off and at least doing a quick lap of anhinga trail.
I have never been south of I-4 (unless you count the 9 months I went to college in Sarasota and never left the town except one day trip to Myakka) and it is a TRAVESTY because I’ve lived my entire life in Florida! I also have never been to Weeki Wachee and it was one of the biggest things I ever wanted to see as a kid. (I did get to see Silver Springs many times when it was still crystal clear, at least.)
Your Roadside America plan sounds right up my alley, ngl. I used to adore collecting and reading those pamphlets at the roadside stands as a kid, and always loved visiting the places. Have you been to Ripley’s Believe It Or Not! ever? Because that was the highlight of my ten-year-old life, when my gifted class went. The year before, we visited Splendid China in Orlando and also Medieval Times on the same day and oh my heart. I really want to go to the big rock castle one day…
If you do plan a trip to St Augie, you’ll have to come north a bit! Jacksonville and Amelia Island are also fantastic and only 30min north. The Timucuan National Preserve (which includes the oldest still standing plantation house in Florida, Kingsley Plantation) is sort of between north Jax and Amelia Island and borders Little Talbot Island state park, and then just a little more north is the golden isles of Georgia, like Saint Simon but ESPECIALLY Cumberland Island, which has wild horses (they only let like 50 people onto the island on any given day, and you can’t take food with you, but it’s worth it). The only thing is that in Jax, in my opinion as a lifelong resident, all the best stuff to do is outside stuff, unless you happen to be around when the symphony or Florida Theatre have good shows on.
Toasts, I’ve mostly been embracing the fact that I’m now in my 40s, but last weekend I was considering going to a speed-dating event for queer women only to discover that the maximum age they wanted was 39 (I could’ve gone and lied about my age, sure, but it kinda stung all the same). And then, a couple of days later? An AARP solicitation showed up in my mail. I dunno if you’d call it a midlife crisis, but now I kind of want to get a fancy haircut, upgrade my wardrobe (somehow) to TERRIFYINGLY AWESOME, and actively work on becoming a silver fox.
Toasts of a certain age, what do you do when the universe seems bent on telling you you’re over the hill?
Wellll I got an AARP membership offer in the mail just last month, at the ripe old age of 25. So I’m probably not much help overall, but please don’t take it that seriously! Odds are they just have no idea what they’re doing.
They used to send me stuff when I was 24-25. Took a lot of persuading that, no, I’m not eligible, please stop posting me things.
Remind myself that I’m awesome.
I have a job that I love, when it’s not driving me to distraction. I’m through the bulk of the parenting years. I can buy myself nice shoes. I know who I am, and I like her.
One of my former colleagues had gorgeous dark silver-grey hair cut very short; she said that when she was 40 she decided to start paying for fancy haircuts, and it worked really well for her. So yes, embrace the silver-fox-ness – it is an excellent look.
Remember that I know how to do a lot of stuff that seemed impenetrable when I was a sweet young thing. When I give people advice it’s actually kind of . . . reality-based.
Other than annoying health stuff, I really don’t find being older very much different from being younger except that certain stuff isn’t as paralyzing. I don’t feel too much call to act my age, though, and when I was young I already didn’t like staying up late and acting flaky so there isn’t so much difference.
I’m prob posting this too late, but if anyone is looking for a job my agency is currently hiring. Its a federal government agency based in DC with satellite locations in Boston, Chicago, San Fran and several other cities. Its a job involving policy analysis with emphasis on researching, organizing/analyzing information, drawing conclusions, interviewing (for info, not for hiring), and writing. You don’t need to specialize in a certain subject area; in fact if all of your experience falls in the advocacy realm, is strongly partisan, or focuses on a specific specific perspective on a specific issue, this *may* not be the job for you. (Note the “all” here; some advocacy experience, eg campaign work, is OK.) Around two-thirds of new hires have an advanced degree in public policy or something very similar; however, we’ve also hired people with undergrad degrees and/or people with education/experience in journalism, statistics, health care policy, psychology and other subjects.
If you have any interest let me know and I can give more info! mintmarshmallow[at]openmailbox.org
I’m about to graduate this May and am in the ‘holy crap I need a job now’ stage right now. I may have to hit you up for more info about this.
YES SOMETHING WONDERFUL AND SURPRISING HAS HAPPENED TO ME!!!! On Wednesday my mother acquired tickets for Hamilton for January! They’re good seats! And they were reasonably priced! And I get almost a year to look forward to it! I’m so excited!
Roseaca/acne question.
I got hit with rosacea and adult acne post-pregnancy. (Thanks, hormones.) Not much works except hardcore oral antibiotics. I have tried a variety of creams and masks and topical antibiotics and even an essential oil blend with *always* worked for me in the past with breakouts and I have made with wonderful results for other people. Any other suggestions? I just got the Crunchy Betty mask for sensitive skin as a last-ditch effort before trudging back for an expensive dermatology visit, and picked up some salicylic acid wipes from the store. They really might be helping, because my skin feels better, but it’s that bonkers-before-it-gets better transition thing.
Anyone else out there? What do you use on your face for washing/moisturizing/treating?
As annoying as dermatology visits are, it sounds like one will do you good! Perhaps ask about a retinol? I have acne and roseaca too, and I’m on a topical antibiotic/benzoyl peroxide and a pretty strong retinoid. I’ve gotten very good results! Plus, since my skin loves Vitamin E and glycerin, I found a moisturizer with tons of both: Derma-e Vitamin E 12,000 IU cream. It’s done a lot for my redness and never makes my acne worse.
I’ve always subscribed to the theory that facewash is kind of a racket; it’s only on your face for like two seconds, so you don’t need a really fancy one! Just something that isn’t too harsh and doesn’t dry you out.
Look for something with retinol in it, like the Cerave cream serum! I also swear by the Queen Helene Mint Julep mask you can get at the drugstore for like a dollar.
i have sensitive skin and i use some pretty gentle stuff- thayer witch hazel as a toner, avalon organics lavender face wash, and I usually hit any acne with tea tree oil (make sure it’s the real stuff, they sell some stuff that’s only 2% as tea tree oil.)
Oh I got accepted to college on Thursday. I mean it’s just the state school so it’s not a big deal but I honestly hadn’t thought about that they could say no until like two days after I hit submit on the application (I think they’re like any 80% acceptance rate but 20% is not a small %). So that had sort of been stuck in the front of my head for the last week and a half “Naw of course they’ll accept me…but they don’t have to… :o”
Congratulations! It is a big deal! And state schools are great! I went to a state school for my B.A. and M.A. and graduated into a well-paying tenured job with manageable student loans, while many of my Ivy/Private university-bound friends felt superior for a while but are now mostly unemployed or underemployed with over 100k to pay back. You made a good choice. Best of luck in your studies!
It’s not really a big deal, I’m 30 and this is me going back for a second degree. There really wasn’t actual doubt and I would have just noodled about at the local community college doing some electives and reapplied for the fall or spring if they had said no.
Make-up-lovin’ Toasts: I just started a FB group for makeup and beauty talk. If you’d like to join, leave your FB email in the comments!
Mind posting a link to the group? I don’t want to publicly associate my gmail with this account.
I thiiink this should take you there? https://www.facebook.com/groups/1506331796343183/
I just requested to join through that link. I’m always up for makeup talk!
I just requested to join through the FB link.
I’ve requested as well!
ETA: feeling better after drinking lots of water. Note to self: coffee is not a good source of hydration!
Been feeling really shitty for no reason the past two days – I have great mornings at work, then spend the last two hours in a funk unable to motivate myself. In two years in this job this is the first week I’ve committed Internet Time Wastage.
Even the fact that I waited this long after Open Thread went up to say anything kind of tells me i’m sabotaging myself and avoiding meaningful contact with people. Stupid brain.
Have you ever felt like this before, or is this a new experience for you? Sometimes it can help to be like “oh yeah this is what happens in the middle of winter and I think I tried this or that last time to help.” Two years with NO internet time wastage must be some kind of record though!
on and off, used to happen a LOT in my teens but it would be more of a melancholy/sadness/self-loathing spiral, this was just feeling a combination of sad/MEH and some spontaneous tearing up. There was a large part of my mind kind of “watching” the rest going, “Seriously, we’re gonna do this again?
And I used to have a desk where my screen faced the room & a SUPER micromanager for a boss, and my job is 95% client meetings. I never had TIME before to waste on t’internet, I guess.
I should have posted earlier, but our first Bay Area Toasties Brunch is tomorrow at 11.15 am at Bill’s Cafe in San Jose. Join our facebook group, even if you can’t make it to brunch!
Hey Toasties 🙂 I’ve never posted here before, though I love reading what other people post! I just wanted to reach out today because about six months ago I moved across the country for my first post-grad school job (yay!) and it has all been very overwhelming. All my adult life has been spent in big cities, and now I am in a very, very small farm town full of the NICEST people who have no idea how to react when I tell them that I’ve traveled to other countries alone and that no, I’m not particularly interested in marriage/kids right now. No snark intended– they really are the nicest. Just very different from me.
My job is going really well, I think. I am up for a promotion. But it is really scary a lot of the time because I am not always sure about what I am doing. I know that is normal, but normal does not always equal easier.
I made one really good friend when I got here. He was (is?) great. We really connected, and after a few too many drinks and way too much commiseration one night, we slept together. He has a girlfriend many hundreds of miles away. We kept hooking up out of both loneliness and mutual attraction before we had to sit down and admit to ourselves that this is wrong. Straight up immoral, in fact. We tried to go back to being just friends; it didn’t go well. Now we can’t/don’t talk.
I don’t expect many people to read this– there are a lot of posts in front of me!– but I wanted to put this out there. I know everything will work out okay and that I have been handed an amazing opportunity in the form of this job. I really am grateful! But I’m lonely. I miss my friend. I wish I could talk to him. And I wish I could fast forward and feel secure in my job.
Best wishes to everyone here– whether you are posting something about your own life or just a lurker like me. 🙂
Aww, hugs to you. I’m sure it’s small consolation coming from an internet stranger, but you are a good person making the best decisions you can in a tough situation. Being lonely sucks. Living in an area that has in general radically different ideas about what life is like is hard, and finding the one other person who shares you values/views on life makes for an immediate and intense connection; you two just got carried away. You’ll get through this, and your job is awesome. Maybe after time passes you two can go back to being friends; maybe not. But either way, you’ll get through and you’ll stay true to yourself. So go you!
Thank you 🙂 I woke up at like 3AM, feeling vaguely sad, and then I read this and smiled– at 3AM! This is all so kind of you to say. Even though we have never met, I hope you realize what a lovely, kind, special person you are!
The eldest got two jobs yesterday! I had a friend whose son got a construction job over one summer and she described it as “his little boy dream job”. My boy is going to be a delivery driver, and I think it’s his version of the little-kid dream.
Middle child is starting antidepressants. This weekend he has another hell essay due. The last two have been awful, please send mojo.
I still don’t have enough kids for a Lax team.
My daughter wants me to sew her a dalek dress and go to the wizard world con next weekend. I want to. She will be at her dad’s, if she asks HE will take her, and my ticket will have been a waste of money because I’d rather not go at all then have it ruined by knowing he’s there.
I’m rockin’ grad school, but holy cow, I have no time for sleep or eating or exercise. I am impressing people by stepping up and lecturing when necessary, so that is cool. I need to start research this weekend. I am also actually enjoying the quantitative geography class and (barely) keeping up with HAND calculating things like Moran’s i.
You’re awesome, go you! I hope the con works out for yall. Sounds like an awesome opportunity to spend time with your daughter!
Thanks! We didn’t get very far on her costume today, but I think we have a plan. Her dad said it’s ok for me to take her, but I have a feeling he’s going to use this against me legally, so I’m strongly suggesting to her to spend tomorrow at his house to prevent any complaints about unfairness.
Wow you are amazing. Any word yet on the thyroid situation for your son (I hope I am remembering correctly)?
He had an appointment last week, they did decide to up his dose. I don’t know if he’s feeling any different yet. I am not sure I’m amazing. I do know I’m tired! (But loving this busyness, it at least feels like moving forward).
For me it takes a little while to feel the effects, and depending on the dose change, the effects may be so subtle that he doesn’t notice (although you might). It’s such a process to get to the right dosage, ugh.
I’m glad things are feeling good at least!
I’m continuing to have A Week. I had that low moment in the open thread on Monday, and now my boyfriend has come down with pneumonia again so I’ve been doing a second shift as the sheet-washer & soup-maker. He at least went to the urgent care clinic quickly this time, so he’s on antibiotics & starting to feel better but we’ll be living off my income for the next week at least. I did end up taking Thursday morning off because of a minor mechanical problem that I maaayyy have slightly misrepresented to dispatch, so I’m feeling much improved after 4 hours spent watching GBBO and eating stir fry. Also, couldn’t get my Saturday night shift completely off, but it’s only 4 hours so it’s practically a break.
Good things this week: found a new album to get obsessed with & ruin for myself by listening to every single day, finished season 3 of Bake-Off, and realized a childhood dream by eating an entire pie in a single sitting.
Also, tonight I’m going to my best friend’s going away party. They’re going to the Philippines for an entire year, and I’m going to miss them so much! But this party is going to be a really great time and I’m looking forward to it greatly 🙂
Oh, the first time I read that, I thought you were missing the party. I’m so glad you aren’t! But I am sorry your friends are leaving.
only temporarily! but it does suck a bit
I love reading this thread every week and seeing what everyone else is up to and what I can snarkily riff on.
The ONLY contribution I have to make is that I am starting down the path of the crossovers in historical references between Jane Austen and Patrick O’Brian, now that I’m just about done the Aubrey/Maturin series. First up: The Asp! A frigate that Captain Wentworth says he manned during the Napoleonic war, that was “barely fit to float” at the time, but was apparently refitted quickly (and well) enough to resurface in Chile in “Blue at the Mizzen.”
/neeeeeeeeeeeerd
How do you find them all? I never can find more than 4 or 5 books. Well, I guess if I tried online, but it’s more fun to look at used bookstores. Well, nevermind, I answered my own question. But fellow book nerd here! I love the idea of cross referencing.
Oh my gosh, anonymous toastie, your gift was so sweet and wonderful and made me happy cry. I hope I can pay it forward someday. Thank you!
What do you do when you want to vote “I quit?”
Generally I cry in my designated crying bathroom, but frankly I wouldn’t advise anyone else to follow my example.
Seriously tho do you have a Team Me? You need a Team Me.
Team Me is doing the *most* right now on serious things (recovering from surgery & have had so much help) and I’m still depressed about politics and in general.
My son’s first foray into local politics was a really horrible, transparently racist school board meeting, during which the high schoolers walked out in protest. After we lost the vote to the racists, he was so jaded and hurt. Personally, I told him, this is why there is dairy queen and turtle sundaes. Ice cream therapy may need applied more often in presidential election years.
I know everyone else is pretty much for sure done with the open thread, but I’m posting anyways. I’m in a current state of constantly being torn between wanting to sit outside cause the weather’s perfect and knowing it’s going to make my allergies TERRIBLE if I do so. I work from home, so spent all of today sitting on my deck and damn, do I feel like shit now. But I’m in TX, so summer is coming, and I’ll pretty soon just want to be inside all the time cause it’s gonna be so damn hot (I recognize to anyone reading this in some parts of the country, the idea of already dreading summer will sound crazy, but for reals it’s almost here).
What’s a girl to do?
Depends on the allergies, I guess? I’m pretty blase about having a stuffy nose so I just have tissues everywhere. Once my eyes start watering, though, all bets are off. So I guess it’s a matter of how acceptable your symptoms are to you. Will it put you out of commission?
And, well, sunlight is good for your health, too. Supposedly.
I gave up and just make sure I take allegra every. damn.day. (or whatever works for you). I buy the allegra and I”ve noticed that if I take it every day, skin issues that I thought were hormones (red, puffy face, enlarged pores, breakouts) are actually allergy problems. I can tell just by looking at my face if I’ve forgotten to take allegra for a few days. I’m allergic to cats, dust, tree pollen, ragweed, milk (and I can’t stop cheese, I have no willpower). So inside or out it gets me. I just decided I’d rather be sneezing in the garden than depressed in the dark inside. On really bad days I need to take sudafed on top of the allegra but if I take it every day I don’t get the huge ramp-up effect where it starts the bad allergy feedback loop where you feel like your head will explode.
I also (when I had my own farm) kept a metal breadbox in the garden to keep my kleenex box dry.
I highly recommend getting a neti pot, rinsing the pollen out of your sinuses as soon as you go back inside really helps. Just always use boiled water. So does washing your hair at night so you don’t bring the pollen to bed.
ETA: make sure you take the 24 hour kind, or your body will react to the allergens when you sleep. If you take the 24 hour kind, or a 12 hour at morning and night for at least a week, that keeps the rebound from happening and after that week you should be really improved. When I forget to take the night dose I just keep the allergies at bay during the day, they rebound at night when the pill wears off, and I wake up with sinuses from hell, so I have to start from square one. Even if you have to be jittery and get a few nights of bad sleep from the 24 hour sudafed, the end result is worth it because your base allergy-reaction level is much lower.
I just got a neti pot and was pleased to realize it does help, although I’d been doing it in the morning instead of right after I come in from outside. Am storing that tip away. I think I’m still figuring out which of the different (all way too expensive) allergy pills works best for me.
I take Zyrtec daily and just get a giant big-box-store bottle when I can. But I’ve also taken some generic versions of Zyrtec and I haven’t noticed any side effects or diminished efficacy when I do. Now, ymmv–I take a couple of brand-name prescription drugs where the generic form has wildly different so I’m never going to argue that brand and generics are the same–but this experience makes me think you could probably experiment with inexpensive options fairly safely.
HEB has more reasonably priced (though still too expensive) store-brand versions of all the big OTC allergy medications. I use their 24-hour fexofenadine and it works just as well for me as the same dosage of Allegra for like $5 less per bottle.
I’m new to Texas and am constantly delighted by HEB.
I’m sitting here doing open thread a day late since our daughter had vacation all week & our son was home sick yesterday, so no computer time on Friday. Anyway… our daughter is sititng next to us playing with kinetic sand and just said, “You know… it is time to start thinking about Toast. I need to get involved in Toast Things.”
Not signing in because IRL friends do sometimes read this site.
I’m moving in with a friend’s family this week, because after 2 years living alone is impossible – my rent is more than my income, my utility bills are astronomically high, I never coped well with isolation honestly.
I’ve known this friend for about a year and a half. His mother is a wonderful, generous, hilarious woman but I’m nervous around her especially since she’ll obviously notice more of my flaws over time. Since October 2015 I’ve had three pretty big arguments with the friend (over my sex life and my getting too drunk at a party, sounds weird but can elaborate), but if I left him for 24 hours to cool down then he apologised for his immaturity and I apologised for being inconsiderate.
This arrangement should be for 3-5 months, since I’m moving into university accommodation at the end of the summer.
Any advice for how to basically sofa surf with minimal drama?
I’ve agreed to help with cooking twice a week (which I think I’m good at, and it’s on days I typically have an excess of free time), if I clean any area of the house aside from my own I’ll get £10/hour which is an amazing rate (everyone else in the house works full time and – in their own words – they’re ‘lazy about cleaning’), pay a little over 1/3 of my government benefits in rent, and I’m looking for a part time job that’ll hopefully bring me in as much income or a little more so I don’t have to keep dealing with the DWP.
Captain Awkward has a great post about couchsurfing etiquette that is more geared towards short-term stays but is probably still helpful. My big three suggestions for keeping the peace are be more polite than you think you need to be, pitch in more around the house than you think you need to, and spend as much time out of the house as humanly possible. http://captainawkward.com/2015/12/15/810-couchsur…
I know this is late but I'm a graphic designer and I'm now SO GLAD I went through and read this thread, thank you for the gift of the ipsums.
Link? I'd love to see a comparable product. I need dress pants that have a stretchy waist, since my waist is no longer as waist-like as it used to be pre-baby.
I make lists and heartily enjoy crossing things off them. I add things I've already done just so I can cross them off. Sometimes "take a shower" is on the list. Then at the end of the day I've somehow managed to rack up enough things that it feels ok, even if a lot of the things are kind of bullshit. If I have an actual real to-do list, I try to do one small thing on it at every natural break point in my day (tv episode ends, I need to go to the bathroom, I die in a video game) and then reward myself by continuing to do the not-working thing I was doing.
For treats I buy things small and frivolous like nail polish or scarves. Going to a store can calm me down, it's like a place out of time where I just look at pretty things for a while. Today I went to a Lush ministore and two Extremely Helpful young salespeople were very interested in me and rubbed lotion on my hands which was outside my normal comfort zone but also kind of nice? Also plants. I have so many damn plants right now.