WHERE ARE MY JAMMIES
sir they're right where you left them
NOT THOSE
THOSE ARE MY CIGAR JAMMIES
I WANT MY WHISKEY JAMMIES
I ONLY WEAR THE CIGAR JAMMIES WHEN I'M SMOKING CIGARS
here they are, sir
ARE YOU BLIND
THOSE ARE MY UNDERSECRETARY JAMMIES
I HAVEN'T WORN THOSE SINCE THE BOER WAR
ZENOBIA: I would like to discuss the possibility of hiring another housekeeper if Mattie ever gets married
as you know I'm chronically ill
and the doctor insists I have a live-in carer to help treat my condition
imagine that pent up with two women who love me whom I love and who coldly hate each other oh well how could this tragic situation have been avoided mm like trains on a senseless track we speed toward our fates speeding helplessly and speedily see I feel like forcing your wife and your mistress to live with you at the same time if it's not directly a cause you could at least this was…
hello there Miss Davis, is it allow me to tell you – please do not speak to me like that, sir I can see your wedding ring oh, this? no, no, no you've got the wrong idea I mean, yes, I'm married but I've already written four books about how the Church should let me leave my wife I see one of them is called THE ROD OF PUNISHMENT so you know this ring doesn't…
HROTHGAR: ah, Beowulf welcome to Heorot and the land of my people we have heard of your deeds from across the sea BEOWULF: yeah it's no big deal I pretty much swam here UNFERTH: Is't so? I heard you were bested by Breca in a swimming contest not three w– BEOWULF: yeah actually I once held my breath for like a million hours it was crazy my friends weren't even worried because I fight guys…
hey babe im gonna be out late tonight dont wait up you'll have to take care of the kids but it should be pretty easy theyre dead so you dont really have to do anything lol MEDEA: Jason babe i love you SO much JASON: ahh i love you too MEDEA: and i'll do everything i can to make sure you complete the tasks my father set before you JASON: ahh…
MAZARIN: sire, Paris is revolting LOUIS XIV: lol youre damn right it is MAZARIN: sire please
you make that joke every time there is a revolution
and it is a very good one
but there is an actual mob at the gates LOUIS XIV: so stay away from the gates then
this place has like sixty rooms
go find another one
Originally. PEOPLE OF ATHENS: at last our city is complete CECROPS: my people now we must decide which of the gods we will offer our worship to who among the deities of Olympus will we select to watch over us shall it be Poseidon? Lord of the sea, creator of the horse, to protect our warships and supply us with battle stallions? or shall it be Athena, goddess of wisdom and justice?…
ANGEL: i just wanted you to know
i've
i've had sex before TESS [striking a match on his bare chest and lighting her cigarette]: yeah me too, guy
I've even been to Suffolk ANGEL: what does Suffolk have to do with anything TESS: oh i thought we were just listing obvious shit to each other
Previously in the Worst Boyfriends in Literary History Series: Lord Alfred Douglas. hey are you home rn yes can i come over who is this rimbaud who the poet? i sent you like a bunch of my poems and you said i should come to Paris anyhow im in Paris and i dont really know anyone here so idk where to sleep or live or eat or anything look don't worry about it just…
Previously: Dirtbag Theseus. you think i dont you think i cant see that my dick looks like a little orange thumb, like a Cheeto fuck you is why ive got a fruit hat im a BABY goddammit i already have gout whats your excuse hand me that flagon im sorry im sorry i didnt mean that I WILL GET THIS LEOPARD DRUNK no let's shut up no shut…
REVEREND MOTHER: come here, Paul
there remains one final test for you
the test of the gom jabbar, the test of pain
this will truly reveal whether you are the Kwisatz Haderach
place your hand in my box PAUL: hahaha
hell yeah
u got it babe REVEREND MOTHER: oh
oh i see what you --
oh HONESTLY
grow up
