Pretty Much All Songs From The 1970s I Think, From Someone Who Was Not There At The Time

by Mallory Ortberg · March 31, 2016
  • Babe, I Think I Have Seen A Mysterious Wizard
  • I’ve Been Thinking About An Old Shipwreck, May I Tell You The Tale
  • I’ve Been Warned About This Type Of Party In The Past But Still I Came
  • I Have Specific Instructions About How You Can Non-Verbally Inform Me Of Your Love
  • I’ve Just Learned About The Age-Of-Consent Laws
  • The People Who Wear Scarves And Me
  • There Is Neither Water Nor Women In This Desert, But I Will Not Leave It
  • This Song (Has Got Parentheses In It)
  • The Sad Waitress’ Backstory
  • The Tale Of An Old Crime And A Whole Bunch Of Violins And At The End you Find Out I Was There The Whole Time
  • My Grandmother Says We Have A Relative Who’s Part Cherokee So This Song Is Fine
  • Something About Trains
  • If You Think About It, People Die During War, So You Should Think About It
  • Girl, I Want You To Keep Your Emotional Expectations Extremely Low After This Night of Lovemaking
  • I Exude The Quality Of Funk
  • This Mysterious Woman Sells Potions Out Of The Back Room But What Else Does She Sell, If You Know What I Mean
  • Stay Away From That Girl On The Dance Floor, Her Daddy Has Money
  • Extremely Uncomfortable And Unnecessarily Elongated Euphemisms For Sex, Like “Makin’ It”
  • I’m Too Busy Being On The Highway To Call You
  • No One Is Lonely In A Big City The Way I Am Lonely In This Big City

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.


89 Comments

  1. JoelleVanDyne +115

    I will now add “I Exude The Quality Of Funk” to my Linkedin profile. Thank you.

  2. betterpast +113

    only tangentially related, but i have often said if there were D&D in the late 60s/early 70s led zeppelin would not exist

  3. Hoolia +57

    “If You Think About It, People Die During War, So You Should Think About It”

    Well now we know who is to blame for so many people dying in wars. It was the songwriters, in the 70s, with the making people think about it!

      2. dakimel +47

        Paleo Seattle Tandem Bike

        Sweet Cornbread Oklahoma City Pogo Stick

        Baked Juneau Ferry

        1. szielins +59

          I’d swear I had Sweet Cornbread Oklahoma City Pogo Stick on vinyl. Had the lead singer with the nose and the guitarist with the hair, and that… fellow… who just stood there with the maracas. Never shook them or anything, he just stood there– swayed every now and then. He was married to the woman with the headband and the fringed jacket who was always chewing gum. And in all the PR shots there was the Vietnamese woman in the rabbit-fur bolero jacket who always looked like she was freezing to death, but you never saw her on stage. Then the drummer got elected to the state legislature, was impeached, and went to prison for selling banana peels as a cancer cure.

          1. dakimel +33

            Oh right! We had that on 8-track, and for the longest time I thought it was a format problem that stopped me from hearing the maracas.

            Imagine my shock when I caught them in concert at Six Flags in the late 80s.

        2. bignorseblog +37

          I’d swear Baked Juneau Ferry was on a Creedence compilation tape I found in the glove compartment of my uncle’s Datsun.

          1. dakimel +46

            Protip for when you travel back in time: never look in the glove compartment of your uncle’s Datsun.

      4. OoTheHumanities +19

        I believe you mean [Food][City][Beverage][Mode of Transportation], to wit:

        Flapjack San Antonio Yoohoo Dogsled

        Drumstick Phoenix Sarsaparilla Snowshoes

        Lollipop Miami O.J. U-Boat

        Popcorn Memphis Martini Rickshaw

  5. logicbutton +103

    Way too many Sad Waitress Backstory songs are still being written if you ask me.

    1. AliceIsHopeless +32

      There’s a First Aid Kit song that is actually called “The Waitress Song” and I’m not sure if it’s parody or pastiche

      1. askelade +18

        Also a really, really, really great Freakwater song called “Waitress Song” that puts all waitress-related songs to shame, and as a bonus is REALLY fun to sing out loud esp when driving.

  6. m98widow +86

    As someone who spends most of her time listening to 80s playlists on Spotify, that whole “age of consent laws” thing doesn’t last.

    1. rawrbook +17

      This just gives me the best mental image of a club in the 70s and it made me giggle, so thanks!

  10. erinflachsbart +174

    I was mostly there at the time, and this is very accurate.

    There’s also “I’m Nostalgic For The Sixties Which Literally Just Ended,” “All My Friends Are On Cocaine Now And I Just Want To Drink,” and “Producers Still Think White People Need To Remake Popular Songs By Black Artists.”

    1. Ethylbenzene +27

      I’ve been working my way through some Judge John Hodgman podcasts and the amount he knows and cares about the Sha Na Nas is astonishing and wonderful.

  12. jimmyrabbitte +53

    And don’t forget “The Theme Song from That Show You Watch (I Think) (This Could Also Just Be Smooth Jazz)”

  13. Iulia +13

    The only one I actually recognized was (I think) “Hurricane” by Bob Dylan? The violins are definitely doing there thing being violins.

  14. grumblyqueer +46

    The one problem with these songs is how grammatically vague stoner-songwriters tend to be. Look at The People Who Wear Scarves And Me. Is it a song about you and some scarf-wearers? Or is it a song about scarf-wearers who also wear you?

    1. Heathered +42

      If the artist is Carly Simon, you and some scarf wearers, or at least one very vain one. Blue Oyster Cult and we’re getting into “I will wear you as a scarf” territory.

    2. bonncat +30

      I initially read that as “The People Who Wear Scarves AT Me” which was much simpler to understand but knowing the real title now, I’m baffled.

          1. adoptraya +9

            o jesus christ

            i can’t even with that gif

            it evokes a very NSFW reaction in me and i am AT WORK O_O

            (PS – Did you know that I used to post this on the almost every Friday for a while back when The Hairpin was in its heyday? Either way: bless you. #welldoneyou)

    1. maryoftheassumptions +15

      Now, imagine her finding out that she has this interest in common with known goddam hippie Arlo Guthrie. Good times.

  16. halloweenjack64 +100

    A Euphemism For Doin’ It In A Language From A Country That I’ve Never Been To, Unless Canada Counts Because I Wasn’t In Quebec

    Having Orgasms The Giorgio Moroder Way

    Cruisy Places For The Closeted Man

    Someday You’ll Have To Mow The Lawn, Dad, How ’bout That?

    If It’s Not Too Much Trouble, Sir And/Or Ma’am, I’d Like To Tell You About Ba’hai

    Still Smokin’ Dope, And Lots Of It

    (Yes, some of these refer to specific bands and/or songs)

      1. irishbreakfasttime +60

        Have You Guessed What The Song’s About Yet? Have You? I’ll Give You Another Hint

        1. halloweenjack64 +12

          Pretty much all the Village People’s big hits: “YMCA”, “In the Navy”, “Macho Man” (health club), “Go West” (San Francisco).

  17. irishbreakfasttime +226

    I Understand In The Future There Will Be A Video Game Based On Playing Rock Instruments; Please Consider This My Contribution to The Highest Difficulty Setting

    I Understand In The Future There Will Be A Video Game Based On Playing Rock Instruments; Please Consider This My Contribution to The Lowest Difficulty Setting

  18. theanagrace +169

    I misread the title as ‘1790s’ at first, and the picture did not clue me in, so the whole time I was imagining these songs as old sea shanties and folk songs. Still worked.

    2. mydonkeyfeet +29

      The picture made me think 1790s too. I was a little disappointed they weren’t sea shanties or songs about Whigs, or wigs.

      2. FeuerroteZora +14

        With the exception of the parentheses, I think “Brandy (You’re A Fine Girl)” could just as well be from the 1790s. I mean, it has a close-to-sea-shanty thing going on, and there were certainly a LOT more men in the 1790s whose lover and lady was the sea than there were in the 1970s.

    3. OoTheHumanities +12

      Perhaps this will become a series. I could see one for each 70s decade from 70 CE to 2070. Somebody put her up to it.

      1. mydonkeyfeet +10

        The ships actually do look like they could be 1670s.

        PS – I looked it up, just to see if my shippy knowledge was up to snuff, and the painting is from 1620. Aw yiss, only 50 years off.

    4. dancingcorvid +4

      oh thank you because I did too, and then maybe halfway down the list had to double-check. Half way!

  19. Chance_Hale +151

    You left out the pioneering New York punk anthem “I Like Weird Sex, But I’m Angry About It, In Stark Contrast To Everyone Else On This List (They’re All Melancholy About *Their* Weird Sex)”

    And its British counterpart, “I’m Disaffected (Here Are My Policy Concerns)”

    1. Ethylbenzene +60

      “I’m Disaffected (Here Are My Policy Concerns)” just caused me to laugh out loud so hard while waiting in my car for my spouse to get done at work that the car actually shook a little.

  22. bignorseblog +120

    This Hotel Has No Doors Or Is It the Acid

    I’ve Discovered This Thing Called Orientalism and I Think it’s Mainly About Silky Curtains and Really Great Pot? Also Kasbahs

    I Got a Whole Lotta Sexual Frustration To Guilt You With

    Middle Eastern Province I Saw on a Map Once

    Black Magic Evil Voodoo Witch Woman Spurned My Boner and Cursed Me, Probably, You Can’t Say That She Didn’t

    Tight Leather Pants (Don’t Need Cleaning)

    I’ve Been Thinking ‘Bout Druids

    1. cleoreads +10

      This made me smile.

      Numbers 3 and 7 pretty much describe Led Zepplin’s entire catalog.

    2. debkwebr +7

      OMG, I seriously LOL’d, coffee spewed through my nose, I was choking, coughing, still laughing, my life flashed before me with ‘Black Magic Evil Voodoo Witch Woman Spurned My Boner and Cursed Me, Probably, You Can’t Say That She Didn’t’ as the epic theme song, & I was thinking, ‘this is it, this is how it ends,’ and I was actually kinda happy to be checking out in great peals of laughter, albeit mixed with gagging/choking sounds, then my roommate walked in, said, ‘WTF is so funny. You’re cleaning up that mess.’ and killed the moment.
      < / euphoria >
      #ColossalKilljoy #BadVibeTribe #NoLube

  24. ScarlettHairdye +70

    This Is A Song About Jesus But It’s Really Weirdly Sexy

    We’re Awesome And Don’t Wear Colors

    In Retrospect This Song Will Be Really Racist

  26. velvet goldmeme +39

    Glitter And Be Gay
    Glitter And Be Gay (In Space With My Alter Ego)
    Five Minutes Straight Of Just Yelling

  28. jujy +28

    This Song (Has Got Parentheses In It) has to be the actual name of a Sufjan Stevens song

  29. Redcrow +10

    “Babe, I Think I Have Seen A Mysterious Wizard” is one of my favourite kinds (just add a feather boa or two and some chequered leotards/a Richard Dadd’s painting, and I’m all in). I’m also fond of “Babe, I Think I Have Seen A Mysterious Alien (In The Mirror)” stuff.

  30. rhiannonrevolts +11

    As someone who is a 70s music connoisseur, thank you, Mallory.

    Also, it’s rather sad that ‘I’ve Just Learned About The Age-Of-Consent Laws’ could refer to about a dozen songs.

  31. cleoreads +9

    Hah. This seems right on.

    Mr. Cleo was a teen in the 70s and has an impressive knowledge of 70s top forties music – I mostly just knew classic rock and whatever 70s music made it onto easy listening stations, but, thanks to my spouse, I now know (some of) the lyrics to classics like “Ramblin’ Boy” and “I Think I Love You.”

    ETA: more for the list:
    Yes, this is a Feminist Anthem (if you don’t listen too closely to all the lyrics)

    Complicated allegory about how much I hate Mick Jagger

    I was a shitty boyfriend but you should take me back now

  32. adoptraya +15

    I Have Specific Instructions About How You Can Non-Verbally Inform Me Of Your Love….wait. I thought ‘More Than Words’ was from the 90s?

  36. mydonkeyfeet

    Misread that as Dogs and felt kind of excited. Why can't there be more songs about pets?

  39. getoffthesidewalk

    This works as a microcosm of the differences between early American and British punk tbh

  40. Lily +1

    Also quite recent shipwrecks. Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald is my third favorite song about a shipwreck.