Previously: Why are you lonely.
WHY YOU ARE ANGRY: CHOOSE ONE
- YOU DEMAND THAT EVERYONE YOU MEET IS EITHER INSTANTLY IMPRESSED WITH OR INTIMIDATED BY YOU AND HAVE DECIDED IF YOU EVER WALK INTO A ROOM WITHOUT A SUFFICIENTLY ADMIRING RECEPTION IT IS BECAUSE THEY HAVE ALREADY REJECTED YOU
- INCAPABLE OF DISTINGUISHING BETWEEN REASONABLE, JUSTIFIED INDIGNATION AND FREE-FLOATING, TARGETLESS RAGE THAT THERE IS THE SLIGHTEST GAP BETWEEN YOUR DESIRES AND REALITY
- CONSTANTLY “DOING FAVORS” FOR PEOPLE WHEN THEY DON’T ASK YOU TO THEN FEELING OVERLOOKED WHEN THEY DO NOT RECIPROCATE EVEN THOUGH THEY MADE IT CLEAR FROM THE BEGINNING YOU WERE SHOULDERING A BURDEN NO ONE INVITED YOU TO PICK UP
- REPEATEDLY CONFUSED “STOICISM” WITH “QUIETLY FUMING”
- YOU THINK YOU DESERVE EVERYTHING BUT ASK FOR NOTHING
- YOU’VE SO SUCCESSFULLY CUT YOURSELF OFF FROM MAKING YOUR FEELINGS CLEAR TO OTHER PEOPLE THAT SELF-RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION IS THE LAST AND ONLY JUSTIFIABLE EMOTION YOU HAVE ACCESS TO AND IT MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE A PURPOSE AND CLEAR SET OF GOALS LIKE NOTHING ELSE IN YOUR LIFE
- LOVE WATCHING OTHER PEOPLE HAVE TO REACT TO YOU AND HAVE LEARNED EARLY AND FREQUENT OUTBURSTS OF TEMPER IS THE QUICKEST WAY TO MAKE SURE YOU NEVER HAVE TO REACT YOURSELF
- INCAPABLE OF ABSORBING A SINGLE PIECE OF CRITICISM WITHOUT SUBSEQUENTLY FEELING THAT THERE IS SOMETHING FUNDAMENTALLY WRONG WITH YOU AS A PERSON AND HAVE THEREFORE MADE AN ACTIVE DECISION THAT ANY AND ALL CRITICISM WILL KILL YOUR HEART STONE DEAD AND MUST BE REJECTED AND PUSHED OUTWARD AT ANY AND ALL COST, LEST YOU CEASE TO EXIST AS YOURSELF
- NURTURING GRUDGES IS THE MOST MATERNAL YOU HAVE EVER FELT AND IT MAKES YOU FEEL LOVED AND LOVING TO BRING YOUR GRUDGES OUT AND CAREFULLY NURSE THEM
- VICIOUSNESS DELIGHTS YOU AND YOU SPEND THE MAJORITY OF YOUR TIME CONJURING SATISFACTORY EXCUSES FOR CAUSING HARM WITH JUSTIFICATION
- NOT YET FREE OF THE DELUSION THAT MAKING SOMEONE ELSE FEEL GUILTY FOR THEIR BAD HABITS IS AN EFFICIENT WAY OF ENDING A BAD HABIT
- YOU HAVE MISTAKEN “SUDDEN EMOTIONAL WITHDRAWAL” FOR “TAKING THE HIGH ROAD”
- NEVER TOOK THE TIME TO FIND YOUR OWN BREAKING POINT AND ONLY LEARN WHERE IT IS WHEN SOMEONE ELSE HELPS YOU REACH IT
- HAVE MISTAKEN “CONTROL” FOR “SILENCE” AND “SILENCE” FOR “PEACE”
- ALWAYS LOOKING FOR AN EXCUSE TO SAY THE UNFORGIVABLE THING YOU KNOW WILL END A RELATIONSHIP AND HAVE BEEN PLANNING IN COLDNESS BUT SPEAK IN THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT AND USE THAT MOMENTUM AS AN EXCUSE FOR SOMETHING YOU ALWAYS BELIEVED AND WERE MERELY TOO COWARDLY TO SAY WITHOUT THE EXCUSE OF EMOTIONAL MOMENTUM
Already got me with the first one there Mallory.
INCAPABLE OF ABSORBING A SINGLE PIECE OF CRITICISM WITHOUT SUBSEQUENTLY FEELING THAT THERE IS SOMETHING FUNDAMENTALLY WRONG WITH YOU AS A PERSON AND HAVE THEREFORE MADE AN ACTIVE DECISION THAT ANY AND ALL CRITICISM WILL KILL YOUR HEART STONE DEAD AND MUST BE REJECTED AND PUSHED OUTWARD AT ANY AND ALL COST, LEST YOU CEASE TO EXIST AS YOURSELF
GODDAMMIT MALLORY NOW I NEED TO GO CURL UP IN A BALL UNDER MY DESK AND CRY FOR AN HOUR
MALLORY
Yeah, MALLORY, especially when SOMEONE tells me I don’t know what Stoicism means.
Seriously GODDAMMIT MALLORY, GET OUT OF MY HEAD.
Choose one?
Once a Hiddleston GIF appears on the scene, it becomes very easy to pinpoint the reasons for Mallory’s anger.
About halfway through reading this started to think, “Wait, none of these is me… am I…. NOT ANGRY after all????”
Then got to this one: HAVE MISTAKEN “CONTROL” FOR “SILENCE” AND “SILENCE” FOR “PEACE” and was all *lightbulb emoji*
Same, going to crawl into a hole now
None of them is really me either; I am angry all the time, but it’s mainly just based on despair at the world? The thought of enjoying viciousness or wanting other people to react to me and so having an outburst is … not me. And the Why are you lonely one was so accurate!
NCAPABLE OF ABSORBING A SINGLE PIECE OF CRITICISM WITHOUT SUBSEQUENTLY FEELING THAT THERE IS SOMETHING FUNDAMENTALLY WRONG WITH YOU AS A PERSON AND HAVE THEREFORE MADE AN ACTIVE DECISION THAT ANY AND ALL CRITICISM WILL KILL YOUR HEART STONE DEAD AND MUST BE REJECTED AND PUSHED OUTWARD AT ANY AND ALL COST, LEST YOU CEASE TO EXIST AS YOURSELF
I mean, criticism does make me feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me, but it rarely induces anger; mostly it just makes me feel like the most worthless person imaginable and I have to go and cry on the floor for a bit.
NEVER TOOK THE TIME TO FIND YOUR OWN BREAKING POINT AND ONLY LEARN WHERE IT IS WHEN SOMEONE ELSE HELPS YOU REACH IT
oh cool so like the last two months in therapy
Was feeling really good about myself until I got to YOU HAVE MISTAKEN “SUDDEN EMOTIONAL WITHDRAWAL” FOR “TAKING THE HIGH ROAD” and then HAVE MISTAKEN “CONTROL” FOR “SILENCE” AND “SILENCE” FOR “PEACE.” But I’m fine. Everything’s fine. Nothing to talk about here.
CONSTANTLY “DOING FAVORS” FOR PEOPLE WHEN THEY DON’T ASK YOU TO THEN FEELING OVERLOOKED WHEN THEY DO NOT RECIPROCATE
but if I didn’t do the thing, the thing wouldn’t have gotten done! Are you just telling me now that the thing was *optional*??
I have a friend who does this all the time!
Which always leads directly to the NOT YET FREE OF THE DELUSION THAT MAKING SOMEONE ELSE FEEL GUILTY FOR THEIR BAD HABITS IS AN EFFICIENT WAY OF ENDING A BAD HABIT fight. It’s a vicious cycle, really.
Your friend is “favor sharking”, as the Captain Awkward commenters call it. It’s a really shitty form of manipulation.
This bugs me because I’ve dated a lot of ADHD people who insisted I was doing this when “the thing” was NOT OPTIONAL but required for living, but they assumed it was optional because they’d tricked people into doing for them their entire lives and RAWR. So basically NOT YET FREE OF THE DELUSION THAT MAKING SOMEONE ELSE FEEL GUILTY FOR THEIR BAD HABITS IS AN EFFICIENT WAY OF ENDING A BAD HABIT.
HAVE MISTAKEN “CONTROL” FOR “SILENCE” AND “SILENCE” FOR “PEACE”
Oh look, my entire emotional life in 9 words
“NURTURING GRUDGES IS THE MOST MATERNAL YOU HAVE EVER FELT AND IT MAKES YOU FEEL LOVED AND LOVING TO BRING YOUR GRUDGES OUT AND CAREFULLY NURSE THEM.”
It me.
Me too. Look at this grudge, it is mine, I nurtured it and grew it and made it all myself!
Myyy precccciouusssss.
I only have one grudge like this, but man is it a DOOZY. I’ve been nursing it for seven years.
Ahahaha I have a couple that are almost a decade old too. There’s some things, that no matter how hard you try, are very hard to let go…
Yeah. This one is against my That Ex ™. He was very very lovely to me, and then very very shitty, and I still haven’t fully disentangled my feelings about that seven years on. I’m mad at him for pulling the rug out from under my younger trusting self in a way that still isn’t repaired.
*Internet hug*
My brain has two modes for sudden random thought interruptions:
HEY, REMEMBER THIS THING YOU DID THAT WAS SUPER EMBARRASSING?
and HEY, REMEMBER THIS THING THAT HAPPENED THAT MADE YOU SUPER MAD?
Still mad about stuff from childhood. It’s fine. This is my life now.
Ohhhh god. This is my life. I’ll just be going about my day, and then suddenly my brain reminds me and I’ll randomly be super mad about my asshole choir director from high school, or my old roommate that hated me for no reason. Like you said, it’s fine.
Goddammit, Mallory.
Where is the petition to make GODDAMMIT MALLORY an official Toast tag? I would like to sign it please.
I would settle for an official t-shirt, so that I can identify others in the wild who’ve had their days ruined by Mallory
I am 100% confident someone here knows how to make that happen.
I need this in my soul
She isn’t ruining our days, she’s just providing us with jagged little pills. We are the ones who choose to swallow them.
NOPE. Not this time Ortberg. I know better than to read this when I’m in a good mood that I don’t want ruined.
HAVE TOO MANY EMOTIONS HAPPENING AT ONCE AND ARE INCAPABLE OF EXPRESSING ANY SINGLE ONE OF THEM SO YOU’VE BOTTLED EVERYTHING UP UNTIL YOU EXPLODE AT THE FIRST PERSON WHO EXPRESSES MILD DISPLEASURE WITH YOU.
I am going to use this article as proof positive of my “I’m always a glowing ball of rage” theory. Because that first one is too real, Mallory.
M@LL0RY
YOU’VE SO SUCCESSFULLY CUT YOURSELF OFF FROM MAKING YOUR FEELINGS CLEAR TO OTHER PEOPLE THAT SELF-RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION IS THE LAST AND ONLY JUSTIFIABLE EMOTION YOU ACCESS TO AND IT MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE A PURPOSE AND CLEAR SET OF GOALS LIKE NOTHING ELSE IN YOUR LIFE.
Brb stuffing the feelings back where even I can’t find them.
Not this againnnnn, thank you for this againnnnn. All the feels.
VICIOUSNESS DELIGHTS YOU AND YOU SPEND THE MAJORITY OF YOUR TIME CONJURING SATISFACTORY EXCUSES FOR CAUSING HARM WITH JUSTIFICATION
might as well call this one hannibal lecter because it is dark, cutting, and accurate
That is me in traffic dealing with my feelings 99% of the time.
Listen. I’m just so good at viciousness. I cannot deny the world that art form. The best I can do is try to direct it at those who come closest to deserving it.
100% read that as “Hannibal Buress” and was like “Yeah, DAMN he’s fine!”
Yeah I came here to post that and say “…oops?”
(my coworkers regularly congratulate me for my bad-cop takedowns of telemarketers. or maybe they are not congratulating me, exactly, but i take it as congratulatory.)
Kylo Ren? Is that you?
I’m just going to ignore the ones (la la la la la la la la) that might be true in a regular week, because this week what’s making me angry is work.
Haha, guilty!
“YOU’VE SO SUCCESSFULLY CUT YOURSELF OFF FROM MAKING YOUR FEELINGS CLEAR TO OTHER PEOPLE THAT SELF-RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION IS THE LAST AND ONLY JUSTIFIABLE EMOTION YOU ACCESS TO AND IT MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE A PURPOSE AND CLEAR SET OF GOALS LIKE NOTHING ELSE IN YOUR LIFE”
Clear to other people? That can’t be right. *curls around hoard of feelings like dragon around hoard of gold*
I HAVE NO FEELINGS, ONLY ANGER AND HUNGER. SOMETIMES THE HUNGER CAUSES THE ANGER.
So 100% of this is me and 0% is my husband and the same statistics for the “Why you are lonely” and IS IT GENDER OR IS IT COINCIDENCE I NEED TO KNOW.
Coincidence I think. 0% was me (female), but about 60% was former male boss and 100% was Worst Coworker. But yay that you’ve found a partner who balances you out?
I’m never angry or lonely. Just a ball of anxieties and depressions. But don’t let Mallory know or she’ll come for me too.
I know a married couple in which this is 95% the man and 5% the woman. Not gender.
This is good news I guess but also means that I cannot blame my anger and loneliness on ingrained societal pressures to feel things in a gender coded way like I usually do so now I have to make an effort to change my life, so, crap.
Yes, you have to make efforts. But you can still blame society. Because I said so. (Hey, my dogs take me seriously, why wouldn’t the random human person?)
There. Is that better? ::Toasthugs::
Look, I’m pretty sure that stoicism and quietly fuming are synonyms.
otherwise what would be the point
Amazing sense of lightness to realize, after careful self-inquiry, that not one of these is me.
You share a name with my daughter, so I’m hoping that you are her and you/she feels this way.
Take your bragging elsewhere. Only bitterness here.
INCAPABLE OF ABSORBING A SINGLE PIECE OF CRITICISM WITHOUT SUBSEQUENTLY FEELING THAT THERE IS SOMETHING FUNDAMENTALLY WRONG WITH YOU AS A PERSON AND HAVE THEREFORE MADE AN ACTIVE DECISION THAT ANY AND ALL CRITICISM WILL KILL YOUR HEART STONE DEAD AND MUST BE REJECTED AND PUSHED OUTWARD AT ANY AND ALL COST, LEST YOU CEASE TO EXIST AS YOURSELF
Oh, dear. Also being incapable of finding one’s own breaking point without, erm, help. I am a joy to live with, I am sure.
You are such an advice columnist
P.S. you have gotten me addicted to advice columns. Still not sure if I’m thanking you rn or not
When did you download my ex’s brain?
Oh, for a minute there I thought I was reading Dear Prudence. Mallory is the best!
My grudges read above their grade level and brush their teeth without being prompted.
“Viciousness delights you…” I actually raised my coffee cup in thrilled recognition to an empty room
“Making people feel guilty for their bad habits…” That’s my mom, but to be fair, she’s terrible and I’m a delight
Oh, hey, college roommate, what up.
… but then I got to YOU HAVE MISTAKEN “SUDDEN EMOTIONAL WITHDRAWAL” FOR “TAKING THE HIGH ROAD”
me mE ME THIS IS ME
WHY, MALLORY, WHY
It me. It me too. 🙁
I’m very sorry for how I treated you.
(I am not actually your college roommate.)
OR ARE YOU???
i’ll never tell
*shakes fist*
Literally every single one of these applies to me. Every damn one.
As if I didn’t know that this was the place for me, amongst the archivists and feminists, it’s now been cemented in my heart forever.
I don’t want to kill your heart stone dead but I do it because I love this one and it bugs me that it is missing a word.
YOU’VE SO SUCCESSFULLY CUT YOURSELF OFF FROM MAKING YOUR FEELINGS CLEAR TO OTHER PEOPLE THAT SELF-RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION IS THE LAST AND ONLY JUSTIFIABLE EMOTION YOU <have> ACCESS TO AND IT MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE A PURPOSE AND CLEAR SET OF GOALS LIKE NOTHING ELSE IN YOUR LIFE
Every single one of these is me to the extreme and actually, I just figured out with my psychiatrist that I have bipolar 2 features and a cluster B personality disorder so that’s a thing.
._.
Beware!
Diagnosis is the first step to getting better. I hope you will get better! I had a coworker with the same diagnosis, and medication helped her so much. She was able to be her normal happy smart funny creative friendly self.
“Every single one of these is me to the extreme and actually, I just figured out with my psychiatrist that I have bipolar 2 features and a cluster B personality disorder so that’s a thing. Beware!” I’m sorry to hear that. I wish you well. I might be avoiding the diagnosis, myself.
Yeah, I’ll take 70% of these and the loaded revolver, thanks.
YOU THINK YOU DESERVE EVERYTHING BUT ASK FOR NOTHING
Naturally, because asking might invite that dreaded criticism you mentioned. I CAN GET IT MYSELF AND I WILL HEAR NO OTHER SOLUTION.
ALWAYS LOOKING FOR AN EXCUSE TO SAY THE UNFORGIVABLE THING YOU KNOW WILL END A RELATIONSHIP AND HAVING BEEN PLANNING IN COLDNESS BUT SPEAK IN THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT AND USE THAT MOMENTUM AS AN EXCUSE FOR SOMETHING YOU ALWAYS BELIEVED AND WERE MERELY TOO COWARDLY TO SAY WITHOUT THE EXCUSE OF EMOTIONAL MOMENTUM
jeez. jeeeeeez. last relationship lessons.
This isn’t quite me but is soooo similar. It’s not an anger thing, but if I’m in a relationship I need to end but can’t, I will say something so horrible (& probably that I don’t mean) that it can’t be taken back or explained away. It’s the “I have too much stuff to organize so I’ll burn my whole house down” method of ending things. Just burn the whole thing down.
Though sometimes I get irrationally angry that the person didn’t realize that we needed to end things or that that’s why I poured the gasoline and handed them the matches. So in a way, I guess, this is in fact, indirectly, why I’m angry.
“Poured the gasoline and handed them the matches.” Lmao. Yeah, I am there right now…
I had a habit of doing this with complicated romantic-friendships. . .just letting my resentment build and build until FEELINGSBOMB. (ex 1) I wrote an angry, angry email about an month after an incident wherein former friend pushed my sexual boundaries; the other person knew it was fucked up at the time but I laughed if off and then only realized how fucked up it was later (ex 2) I realized that whenever my ex-friend got drunk he became a terrible argumentative asshole, and it was the culmination of many nights of this behavior that pushed me to a FEELINGSBOMB point.
I guess I just have trouble knowing when to bring up behavior that bothers me . . .either because I’m so taken aback by it, or I don’t trust my own bad reactions, or I think “Oh, lets give them ONE MORE CHANCE”
If I never say the thing, but just polish that one cutting remark like a pearl of deadly wisdom that I know I’m too cowardly to use, does that count?
Hey that’s neat how this could also be a list of “signs you’re an adult child of alcoholics and/or narcissists”
YES YES YES YES.
[chanting] SILENCE IS PEACE, SILENCE IS PEACE, SILENCE IS PE-
Hey, I remember that mantra
And somehow my husband doesn’t understand why I don’t yell
Now that you mention it, if attention was light, my mother would be a supermassive black hole.
But not seeing connections to any of this stuff at all, nope, nossirreee
YOU’VE SPENT YOUR WHOLE LIFE ACUTELY AWARE OF EVERYONE ELSE’S EMOTIONS AND MANAGING CONVERSATIONS SO THAT NO ONE EVER SAYS ANYTHING THAT WILL HURT ANYONE ELSE’S FEELINGS AND DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE DON’T MAGICALLY INTUIT WHY YOU ARE UPSET AND WHY AND ACT ACCORDINGLY AND IMMEDIATELY.
Hahaha ow.
ahhh that’s the one
YES!
Also know as being from the Midwest?
Yeah, most of these don’t apply to me, but I know this one well.
This Captain Awkward post was super useful in helping me aware of this habit.
http://captainawkward.com/2013/10/23/meetups-galo…
“When you need stuff from others (and you will need stuff from others eventually), being super relaxed all the time doesn’t exactly work as the quid-pro-quo the aggressively-relaxed person thinks it does. “When you need x, I just go with it, so obviously the reverse is true!” Nope. Weirdly, other people are not mind readers, so they can neither suss out your wants nor give you the credit for the robust emotional work you were doing in prioritizing their wants over your own. You haven’t built up a favor reserve that you can draw on at need, you’ve just taught them that it’s normal for you to always go along with whatever they want, so when you do speak up it comes across as you being uncharacteristically difficult.”
Ouch. Damn. So I need to learn how NOT to be so accommodating and understanding that other people don’t even realize I’m doing it?
Yup. But the bright side is that feels lots better when people appreciate your sacrifices, and also when you’re not a seething ball of resentment for making them.
There it is.
I didn’t realize I was doing this until age 20, and then I realized that I could stop, and the ensuing Rage Blackout over how much unreciprocated time and energy I’d wasted over the years nearly killed me. This is why I am calling my 20s the Decade of Rage.
Oh god, this is me. But only like 2/3rds of the time. Once I am actually really upset at someone for this I become the last one on the list.
YOU HAVE MISTAKEN “SUDDEN EMOTIONAL WITHDRAWAL” FOR “TAKING THE HIGH ROAD”
*stares into the camera*
I came here to say thank you for describing every friendship I’ve ever had since the first grade
*absolute determined silence*
*hello darkness, my old friend…*
Stop reading my mind, Toast. Thanks. *skulks off in silent, righteous rage*
I, too, tenderly raise my grudges from wee little babies into giant grudge-monsters, carefully hand-feeding them choice bits of resentment and frustration, shielding them from sunlight and the scrutiny of others until they are fully-formed and resilient against criticism, etc. I am 100% aware that this is Bad. but it feels so right!
YOU’VE SO SUCCESSFULLY CUT YOURSELF OFF FROM MAKING YOUR FEELINGS CLEAR TO OTHER PEOPLE THAT SELF-RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION IS THE LAST AND ONLY JUSTIFIABLE EMOTION YOU ACCESS TO AND IT MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE A PURPOSE AND CLEAR SET OF GOALS LIKE NOTHING ELSE IN YOUR LIFE
have you been reading my diary, goody ortberg? or my therapist’s notes? because, like. the above bit gave me an actual physical shiver of recognition. I LOVE righteous anger. I know I should not. but I do. oh, how I do.
Mallory, are you spying on me??? Ugh I guess I gotta work on this one: NOT YET FREE OF THE DELUSION THAT MAKING SOMEONE ELSE FEEL GUILTY FOR THEIR BAD HABITS IS AN EFFICIENT WAY OF ENDING A BAD HABIT
u ok?
*lays down, tries not to cry, cries a lot*
WELL I’M ANGRY BECAUSE ALL OF THAT ALL CAPS GAVE ME A HEADACHE
same. 🙁 it’s a testament to how much i love mallory that i read it all the way through. (twice.)
YOUR CONCEPT OF MASCULINITY HAS NO PLACE FOR ANY OTHER EMOTION SHUT UP SADNESS YOU DON`T EVEN EXIST
[Redacted Male Relative], are you a commenter on The Toast???
ALWAYS LOOKING FOR AN EXCUSE TO SAY THE UNFORGIVABLE THING YOU KNOW WILL END A RELATIONSHIP AND HAVE BEEN PLANNING IN COLDNESS BUT SPEAK IN THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT AND USE THAT MOMENTUM AS AN EXCUSE FOR SOMETHING YOU ALWAYS BELIEVED AND WERE MERELY TOO COWARDLY TO SAY WITHOUT THE EXCUSE OF EMOTIONAL MOMENTUM
So I suppose that I was incorrect to take, “your late night emails read like Cormac McCarthy in a particularly biting, nihilistic mood.”, as a compliment?
What I have learned from this is that I am always angry and may, in fact, secretly be the Incredible Hulk.
Apparently, we are a swarm and they will not like us when we’re angry?
… this sort of feels more cruel than angry? I mean, I am angry all the time, but it is because I am furious at the world for being shitty and unjust and I want it to be kinder. Looking for excuses to cause harm is the complete opposite of that anger! (I am sorry for being judgemental and/or smug, Toasts! I just think of myself as a very angry person but am a bit horrified by this.)
NOT YET FREE OF THE DELUSION THAT MAKING SOMEONE ELSE FEEL GUILTY FOR THEIR BAD HABITS IS AN EFFICIENT WAY OF ENDING A BAD HABIT
Hi, parents! Thinking about that conversation about my weight does still make me cry ten years on; thanks for asking.
Me too, friend. Me too.
“I mean, I am angry all the time, but it is because I am furious at the world for being shitty and unjust and I want it to be kinder. ”
You and Terry Pratchett! The intro to his book on writing says he was angry at the world, and that’s why he wrote so much–to make it better.
YES YES PRATCHETT. I hope Binky is still nuzzling him lots :’)
I feel like you don’t need a choose-your-own-adventure to diagnose that rage, though, and so therefore it’s outside the scope of this list?
Yeah, I suppose “Because EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE” would be a short and dispiriting list.
A thousand times this! I am angry at the world, at my government, at my country that keeps beating up and torturing its students repeatedly, at all the violence everywhere (especially on womxn, and so much of this is stuff I have no control over, NONE. And that keeps me in a perpetual state of helpless, seething, anger.
INCAPABLE OF DISTINGUISHING BETWEEN REASONABLE, JUSTIFIED INDIGNATION AND FREE-FLOATING, TARGETLESS RAGE THAT THERE IS THE SLIGHTEST GAP BETWEEN YOUR DESIRES AND REALITY
Hello, prednisone side effect.
CONSTANTLY “DOING FAVORS” FOR PEOPLE WHEN THEY DON’T ASK YOU TO THEN FEELING OVERLOOKED WHEN THEY DO NOT RECIPROCATE EVEN THOUGH THEY MADE IT CLEAR FROM THE BEGINNING YOU WERE SHOULDERING A BURDEN NO ONE INVITED YOU TO PICK UP
Hello, mother.
Hello Perimenopause.
Right?!? Free floating rage for everyone!
This entire thing is the truest piece of writing that has ever existed or will ever exist.
It’s me. It’s all me. Mallory is too witches.
Mallory, honey, baby, sweety…
You’re so delightfully self-aware. You’re a benevolent priestess guiding us gently to self-responsibility and forgiveness. You’re like a 12-Step sponsor for Codependents Anonymous. Bless you for being you and helping us all along the road to happiness. Amen.
CONSTANTLY “DOING FAVORS” FOR PEOPLE WHEN THEY DON’T ASK YOU TO THEN FEELING OVERLOOKED WHEN THEY DO NOT RECIPROCATE EVEN THOUGH THEY MADE IT CLEAR FROM THE BEGINNING YOU WERE SHOULDERING A BURDEN NO ONE INVITED YOU TO PICK UP
this is my coworker and it is crazy making CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY making. if she wanders around the office loudly talking about some task she did that was not urgent and no one gave a crap about again I will just begin screaming.
*backs away from computer screen as recognition sinks in*
*runs away screaming with fear and panic*
“NOT YET FREE OF THE DELUSION THAT MAKING SOMEONE ELSE FEEL GUILTY FOR THEIR BAD HABITS IS AN EFFICIENT WAY OF ENDING A BAD HABIT” should be tattooed on certain people’s foreheads
IT TURNED OUT I WAS JUST HUNGRY.
I’m fine now!
So mostly I’m not angry (lol) except TARGETLESS RAGE THAT THERE IS THE SLIGHTEST GAP BETWEEN YOUR DESIRES AND REALITY
And the fact that this article didn’t provoke the same response as “why are you lonely” is giving me a blissful feeling that I hope will last until at least the afternoon.
it me
YOU THINK YOU DESERVE EVERYTHING BUT ASK FOR NOTHING
Butbutbut isn’t asking for nothing the only way you deserve anything? Like, if I am just good enough and quiet enough and don’t take up any space enough, then that means I deserve great gifts from a benevolent and loving somethingerother. My anger is not that I think I deserve them, it is that they are so long in coming and maybe I’m not being good enough and should therefore be angry with myself for failing to deserve any good things.
Woof, that brought back some childhood religiosity-feels. Thanks, Attached-Avoidant Catholic Parents!
Corollary: you asked for something, which makes you an ungrateful wretch. The universe must now pile disdain on you to show you how good you had it before.
That’ll teach you to ask for stuff.
Short answer: no. If you were a loud pushy person, you’d deserve everything still. *hugs*
Parents weren’t Catholic, but *sad little IT MEEEEEE flail*. Turns out being an abuse survivor and/or growing up in poverty is a good start towards turning your kid into this.
One of my parents was ex-Catholic, the other was an abuse survivor who was raised – in poverty – by a narcissist.
I’m in my late 30s and I am JUST NOW starting to figure out exactly how much the deck was stacked against me. Which should maybe be another item on this list.
THE DECK WAS ALWAYS SUPER STACKED AGAINST YOU AND YOU’RE JUST NOW REALIZING HOW STACKED AND HOW LITTLE YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT ALSO YOU’VE JUST REALIZED IT’S NOT ACTUALLY YOUR FAULT THAT IT IS STACKED
AND SINCE IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT THAT MEANS YOU CAN’T FIX IT BUT IT’S YOUR JOB TO FIX THINGS, WHY CAN’T YOU FIX THIS
YUP
Fist bump of solidarity, internet stranger!
Indeed! I agree with and endorse this solidaritous fist bump.
THE TRUTH, YO
ALSO BECAUSE THINGS ARE SHIT.
Today in my hometown a flyover under construction collapsed and there were 21 people dead and dozens trapped/injured at last count. AND IT IS BECAUSE OF FUCKING CORRUPT POLITICIANS WHO HIRE FUCKING CORRUPT CONTRACTORS FOR PUBLIC WORKS AND THEY USE SUBSTANDARD MATERIALS AND PEOPLE DIE. AND NO BODY CARES BECAUSE *INSERT THIRD WORLD COUNTRY*
THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME–ONLY THE LATEST TIME. I AM FULL OF BURNING, IMPOTENT RAGE.
Oh god, I saw that in the news and it sounded so horrifying. I’m so sorry it’s happening in your hometown (I mean, it would be horrible anywhere, I’m just sorry for the extra distress it means it causes you).
It’s extra awful because I’m in the US now, tens of thousands of miles away from home. I can’t even go and donate blood or help out. At most, send money for relief. IT DOES NOT FEEL LIKE ENOUGH.
And -hugs- for your kind words.
“Choose one” is a bit unrealistic here mallory
This was so great; I laughed too hard so I wouldn’t start crying. Just fantastic.
I am angry because gender inequality still exists.
MEN.
That’s it. That’s the reason.
hey, mallory, what if you, like, didn’t
oh wow. some of these remind me of Jenny Holzer’s Truisms, but way better.
couldn’t agree more. i <3 jenny holzer from, like, Art GCSE onward. Particularly this one:
> You are a victim of the rules you live by.
I am a being of pure rage. I exist solely for vindictive purposes. There is no root cause of my anger. It simply is.
The hate must flow.
(Seriously. The only time I have flying dreams is when I have dreams wherein I am so utterly pissed off that my rage literally lifts me into the air and I soar above the source of my anger on pure spite alone, spouting bile upon them from on high.)
NURTURING GRUDGES IS THE MOST MATERNAL YOU HAVE EVER FELT AND IT MAKES YOU FEEL LOVED AND LOVING TO BRING YOUR GRUDGES OUT AND CAREFULLY NURSE THEM
Like any responsible grudge parent, I let my grudges make their own way in the world when they’re ready to leave. But you can be sure I’ll have nurtured them and fed them the highest grade organic resentments, petty grievances and the purest self righteous indignation first. When my grudges leave me they will be the biggest and strongest they can be.
I mean if you’re really serious about raising, bulky healthy, organic grudges ya gotta raise them free-range, man. How else are they going to be self-reliant?
CONSTANTLY “DOING FAVORS” FOR PEOPLE WHEN THEY DON’T ASK YOU TO THEN FEELING OVERLOOKED WHEN THEY DO NOT RECIPROCATE EVEN THOUGH THEY MADE IT CLEAR FROM THE BEGINNING YOU WERE SHOULDERING A BURDEN NO ONE INVITED YOU TO PICK UP
…Mom?
…Daughter?
overall I was like “well I guess I’m not that angry then” but
NEVER TOOK THE TIME TO FIND YOUR OWN BREAKING POINT AND ONLY LEARN WHERE IT IS WHEN SOMEONE ELSE HELPS YOU REACH IT
HAVE MISTAKEN “CONTROL” FOR “SILENCE” AND “SILENCE” FOR “PEACE”
oh
Holy F! How did you manage to rummage around inside my psyche!?
YOU’VE ONLY JUST LEARNT HOW TO FEEL ANGER AGAIN, SO YOU HAVE AT LEAST A DECADE OF IT STORED UP
YOU THOUGHT – YOU AREN’T HIDING YOUR EMOTIONS, YOU’RE JUST NOT HAVING STRONG ONES. followed by IT’S NOT BEING A ROBOT, IT’S EQUANIMITY, A NOBLE THING.
The lonely list was depressing but this one is even worse, lol. I was nodding and cringing throughout, and then that last one just brought it home. I totally did that last one…. Now I feel like an awful person.
Oh I can manage to choose only one. That doesn’t apply to me. I don’t do unsolicited favours. Too selfish for that.
i'll never tell
mallory ortberg as psychosocial jenny holzer.
I used to relate to this: CONSTANTLY “DOING FAVORS” FOR PEOPLE WHEN THEY DON’T ASK YOU TO THEN FEELING OVERLOOKED WHEN THEY DO NOT RECIPROCATE EVEN THOUGH THEY MADE IT CLEAR FROM THE BEGINNING YOU WERE SHOULDERING A BURDEN NO ONE INVITED YOU TO PICK UP. This used to make me feel unappreciated and useless. I thought, why do I even bother. I don’t want to be here anymore. Such a daily pity party back then. Now I need some wine!
and this one – YOU HAVE MISTAKEN “SUDDEN EMOTIONAL WITHDRAWAL” FOR “TAKING THE HIGH ROAD”. I’m not going to let you know that you’re hurting me or pissing me off because I am better than that. This only works with people you don’t want to have an honest and lengthy relationship with. Now a need a bottle of wine.