How To Really Make Friends As An Adult -The Toast

How To Really Make Friends As An Adult

ByJaya Saxena

on April 6, 2016 in Advice

If you don’t already, live in a place where there are lots of people like you. No, I don’t know how you’re supposed to get a job or housing there. I’m not here to solve everything for you.

Spending lots of time with the same people will strengthen your relationships with them, so if you keep running into that one coworker you hate, sorry, she’s your best friend now!

Be yourself, but more outgoing and less argumentative.

Get out of the house and participate in activities where you’ll meet like-minded people. For most people that means going to a rock-climbing class or signing up for a wine tasting. You don’t like those things? Well, do them anyway. All potential friends are into rock climbing.

For the love of god don’t tell anyone who you’re voting for.

The hardest thing about making friends as an adult is getting the confidence to start making plans. Ease into it by hacking into your potential friend’s Google calendar, so she’ll think you’ve just always had plans to see My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 on Thursday.

Nobody builds relationships with small talk. Don’t engage in it. Get personal. If they ask about the weather, respond with a story about how you were bullied in high school. If they ask where you grew up, go into intricate details about your dental work.

Straight up, say “I’ve decided you are my new best friend, and you get no say in the matter.” People respond to directness!

See if you do the same drugs. Do them together.

Work in the same industry, and remain forever anxious about whether you’re actually friends or whether this is just networking.

Some people have stretched their social bandwidth too far to make new friends. Take this very personally.

Up front, talk a lot about how you far prefer reading at home alone to socializing. This will make them feel special.

Tape about 20 balloons together into a human form. Cover with papier-mâché and wait until it dries. Paint with any flesh colored paint you desire, and apply makeup. Voilà, a new friend.

Jaya Saxena is a Staff Writer at The Toast.

Comments (228)

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+226 Vote up Vote down

cait0716 125p · 469 weeks ago

See if you do the same drugs. Do them together.

I think you've confused adulthood with college

2 replies · active 455 weeks ago

+354 Vote up Vote down

dreadfulwind 156p · 469 weeks ago

"Live in a place where there are lots of people like you."

*moves into a cave full of stray cats* Done.

2 replies · active 469 weeks ago

+98 Vote up Vote down

worseforless 127p · 469 weeks ago

"Spending lots of time with the same people will strengthen your relationships with them, so if you keep running into that one coworker you hate, sorry, she’s your best friend now!"

Uuuuugh, I knew Courtney from Construction would figure out a way to invite me to her wedding.

+90 Vote up Vote down

Strophoria 99p · 469 weeks ago

"See if you do the same drugs. Do them together."

Is this... not how you're supposed to do it?

6 replies · active 469 weeks ago

+91 Vote up Vote down

raqueue 115p · 469 weeks ago

Some people have stretched their social bandwidth too far to make new friends. Take this very personally.

Complain to mutual acquaintances about this person's lack of bandwidth. They will find this endearing.

+165 Vote up Vote down

theburnersmydestination 142p · 469 weeks ago

Be yourself, but more outgoing and less argumentative.

That's the entire opposite of my personality, though!
My plan is usually:
Join in on group events. Realize 20 minutes into said event that you don't want to be there. Ignore all conversation as you try to think of a way to escape. Make half-assed excuse and leave. Three weeks later try to get invited to another group event. Rinse, wash, repeat.

13 replies · active 468 weeks ago

+180 Vote up Vote down

lizzythecat 120p · 469 weeks ago

"Work in the same industry, and remain forever anxious about whether you’re actually friends or whether this is just networking."

Hello, my greatest fear. How unpleasant to see you.

2 replies · active 469 weeks ago

+383 Vote up Vote down

MsPetuniaWiddershins 145p · 469 weeks ago

Be assured that that one time your comment got over 400 upvotes meant that all those people would absolutely be your friends if they ever met you IRL or knew your actual name.

27 replies · active 469 weeks ago

+124 Vote up Vote down

poppy · 469 weeks ago

But if you are an introvert, don't be surprised if you end up showing up for events with a bunch of other introverts, and then no one makes any new friends. I'm looking at you, Friends of the Symphony and various scholarly lecture series.

I know, I know, people told me I should join the kickball team instead. Squirm.

8 replies · active 469 weeks ago

+113 Vote up Vote down

missellabell 116p · 469 weeks ago

"Straight up, say “I’ve decided you are my new best friend, and you get no say in the matter.” People respond to directness!" This is how I have made all of my friends, and it mostly works quite well.

18 replies · active 469 weeks ago

+46 Vote up Vote down

catmanscrothers · 469 weeks ago

"Be yourself, but more outgoing and less argumentative."

okay but aren't they the same thing, my brain seems to think they're the same thing

3 replies · active 469 weeks ago

+280 Vote up Vote down

Emily 128p · 469 weeks ago

~I~ prefer my balloon women without all that ~unnatural~ makeup.

7 replies · active 469 weeks ago

+46 Vote up Vote down

ms_whatwhat 99p · 469 weeks ago

Work in the same industry, and remain forever anxious about whether you’re actually friends or whether this is just networking. oh god this

2 replies · active 469 weeks ago

+163 Vote up Vote down

renegadeoboe 138p · 469 weeks ago

A. This is hilarious and I love it with all of my heartmeat.
B. I have never before heard of "social bandwidth" but holy crap the instant that phrase passed through my brain it snapped perfectly into place. "It's not that I'm TIRED of my friends, it's that I have used a lot of data in a short period of time and now my provider is throttling my download speeds."

4 replies · active 469 weeks ago

+72 Vote up Vote down

thebeagee 127p · 469 weeks ago

Way harsh, Jaya. *lies down on floor and sighs*

"If you don’t already, live in a place where there are lots of people like you. No, I don’t know how you’re supposed to get a job or housing there. I’m not here to solve everything for you."

This is the truest of truths, but also: "Just go out and make friends. You need to hang out with young people your own age. Just go do it!"

7 replies · active 468 weeks ago

+169 Vote up Vote down

HelveticaBonhamCartr 130p · 469 weeks ago

Hate the same things.
95% guarantee of friendship.

1 reply · active 469 weeks ago

+42 Vote up Vote down

Kelsey · 469 weeks ago

"Up front, talk a lot about how you far prefer reading at home alone to socializing. This will make them feel special." This is ever self-congratulatory queer woman and alterna-dude on a first date hehe.

+109 Vote up Vote down

Frumiosa 141p · 469 weeks ago

Like and comment on one another's witty Facebook statuses until one day you muster the courage to send a direct message asking if they want to get coffee sometime, die forever when they don't respond. Extra points if your message includes the phrase "We should be friends!"

7 replies · active 469 weeks ago

+63 Vote up Vote down

ughanothername 132p · 469 weeks ago

This definitely also applies 100% to dating. I'm convinced everyone's lying about all the things they do.

At least, that's what I tell myself when I start to worry that people will start dating me only to realize I'm a lazy loser who doesn't do anything.

6 replies · active 469 weeks ago

+98 Vote up Vote down

Frumiosa 141p · 469 weeks ago

Plunge deftly into new associations thinking naively that none of these fellow adults could possibly care about being "cool" and will relate to your open awkwardness because we're all awkward inside and who has time for cool?

This failed me every time until I starting meeting Toast persons irl. Love you guyyyys.

8 replies · active 469 weeks ago

+125 Vote up Vote down

ksek 140p · 469 weeks ago

If a thing you like to do is bowling, do not attempt to make friends by joining a bowling league. You will only meet middle-aged men and a couple in a volatile relationship that will invite you to a threesome.

4 replies · active 469 weeks ago

+163 Vote up Vote down

thewhelk 139p · 469 weeks ago

I find it easy to make friends as an adult cause I read studies about what happens to men as they age and they basically become friendless isolated weridos who die alone cause they where never expected to do any emotional labor so NOW IM A HUMAN PUPPY DOG LETS BE FRIENDS EVERYONE I DONT WANT TO DIE

10 replies · active 469 weeks ago

+147 Vote up Vote down

ipomoea 117p · 469 weeks ago

Make friends online. Make them all over the country. Tell them your deepest secrets. You've never actually touched them, but they know your preferred tampon. Realize it's been eight years of talking to these people daily. Decide they're actually friends not just "internet friends". Eventually pass through each other's cities. Meet in person, gossip about fellow internet friends and weird Tumblr drama. Send each other pizza and baby clothes as needed. Repeat.

5 replies · active 469 weeks ago

+69 Vote up Vote down

ashurredly 115p · 469 weeks ago

There was one shining moment when I saw this on facebook and hoped it might be actual advice.

*sobs*

3 replies · active 469 weeks ago

+22 Vote up Vote down

meetapossum 110p · 469 weeks ago

Go to the bar and get drunk. Start talking to random strangers and the bartender. Forget their names when you see them next week. Eventually you'll be best friends and joke about how you could never remember their name.

+56 Vote up Vote down

Xolandra 116p · 469 weeks ago

Get a crap job. Hate everything about said job except one other human. Leave crap job and keep said human. Convene every now and then to bitch about how "the only good thing about that job was you". Add wine and stir.

1 reply · active 469 weeks ago

+53 Vote up Vote down

liv 116p · 469 weeks ago

"Get out of the house and participate in activities where you’ll meet like-minded people. For most people that means going to a rock-climbing class or signing up for a wine tasting. You don’t like those things? Well, do them anyway. All potential friends are into rock climbing."

This is so freakishly close to advice I have gotten from actual therapists. Also, they don't listen to me when I reiterate that no one under 60 is part of book groups or knitting groups or whatever at the public library. (Not to mention, not at times when working people can actually go anyway.)

I should add here I don't live in a big city; options are more limited in general.

12 replies · active 468 weeks ago

+57 Vote up Vote down

RudyRed 124p · 469 weeks ago

Date someone who is more outgoing than you are, and just hitch yourself to their social circle.

Or at least that's my method. So far it's worked out, but we haven't broken up yet, soooooooooo.....

2 replies · active 469 weeks ago

+159 Vote up Vote down

Andre_Skiles 107p · 469 weeks ago

I had a friend once.
We would lay on the floor on the white carpet in the sunbeam.
He was a cat.

2 replies · active 469 weeks ago

+33 Vote up Vote down

meditatingontherain 89p · 469 weeks ago

"All potential friends are into rock climbing."

I have long suspected this...

1 reply · active 469 weeks ago

+24 Vote up Vote down

Kwyjor · 469 weeks ago

Frequent local drinking establishments. Sit around in semidarkness nursing your drink while you imagine what people nearby may be saying if you could hear them over the music. You may choose to occasionally voice a contribution by screaming as loudly as you can.

I guess?

+56 Vote up Vote down

Elsajeni 114p · 469 weeks ago

"Stalk them in Toast comments for a while, then realize they live near you and ask them if they will teach you to lift" worked pretty well for me, I recommend it.

+22 Vote up Vote down

thebastardtitle 108p · 469 weeks ago

Ok but honestly I'm just about at that balloon person stage.

+11 Vote up Vote down

terb 114p · 469 weeks ago

I made friends with a some rock climbers outside of a rock climbing situation, and they're much easier to talk to when not halfway up a sweaty knobble wall or giving themselves groin strain

1 reply · active 469 weeks ago

+45 Vote up Vote down

michelle w. 110p · 469 weeks ago

I've been having a hard time striking up a conversation with my balloon homunculus. There is literally no hope.

+9 Vote up Vote down

foxandwhat 102p · 469 weeks ago

Channel your loneliness into joining a lot of nostalgic pen pal organizations...

+12 Vote up Vote down

bookwormV 119p · 469 weeks ago

Tape about 20 balloons together into a human form. Cover with papier-mâché and wait until it dries. Paint with any flesh colored paint you desire, and apply makeup. Voilà, a new friend.

Definitely the best option here.

+55 Vote up Vote down

bookwormV 119p · 469 weeks ago

If you have any tendencies towards introversion, never live with someone you are very fond of. You will never go out again.

As a child and teenager, I had no motivation to go out and socialise because I had siblings I was very close to (stupid triplet bond). I got together with my boyfriend at university and we now live together; my social life is basically non-existent because why bother when going out is exhausting and I have a nice, equally introverted person at home who'll watch Netflix with me? Sometimes I panic thinking about how utterly screwed I will be if we break up or he dies.

2 replies · active 469 weeks ago

+7 Vote up Vote down

SingingRae · 469 weeks ago

Straight up, say “I’ve decided you are my new best friend, and you get no say in the matter.” People respond to directness!

This is how I've made most of my best friends...seriously

1 reply · active 469 weeks ago

+25 Vote up Vote down

bucklemeswash 109p · 469 weeks ago

"If they ask where you grew up, go into intricate details about your dental work."

Did this, now I have many new friends, but I hate them all, please help.

+11 Vote up Vote down

Summer · 469 weeks ago

It took me so long to realise this was a joke.

(Is this a joke?)

+14 Vote up Vote down

Strophoria 99p · 469 weeks ago

Oh, late entry but: I met my current best friend because I was at a free lunch thing (Food not Bombs except not that group), they were serving and they pointed at me from across the room and yelled "I know you from tumblr!" and hugged me.

+8 Vote up Vote down

fromthelandwithlove 94p · 469 weeks ago

Wait for all your current friends to marry lovely people. Simultaneous advantages of having awesome new friends and being constantly reminded of the beautiful healthy relationship you have never had.

+7 Vote up Vote down

alder_tree 97p · 469 weeks ago

I've actually met people through mutual interests, but I am also really really outgoing??

Like bike rides that were also parties--a huge part of my IRL social circle is people I met on bike rides; both the kind where we stopped and looked at heritage trees/interesting architecture/spots related to local history, and the kind where people had loud music and everyone was drinking and/or in costume. (Ah, Portland.)

One of my other IRL friend circles I made through going to a weekly Doctor Who trivia night that no longer exists. Also where I met my boyfriend.

5 replies · active 468 weeks ago

+12 Vote up Vote down

Loz · 469 weeks ago

My new year's resolution this year was quite literally - make a new adult friend, by being yourself but more outgoing and less argumentative.

I've had very positive feedback from my existing friends on my new 'debating' skills - recently managed to convince a friend's boyfriend that rape culture is a thing ... the last time I'd had that conversation at a dinner party it ended in yelling and me crying into my beef stew with disappointment... not my most successful social outing ...

AND I joined a new book club - and didn't hide in the toilets during the first session once!

Not actually made any new friends yet but it is only April...

+7 Vote up Vote down

kayjayoh_ 101p · 469 weeks ago

As a person who is actually into rock climbing, I find that finding "hey, do you want to go climbing sometime?" buddies is one of the most fraught parts of finding friends in a new town.

You are cool. I want to spend time with you. You are terrified of heights. Ok, that's fine.

(I am also terrified of heights.)

+12 Vote up Vote down

Layla 131p · 469 weeks ago

Guys, you just need to make one friend. Make sure that friend has lots of friends, and then attach yourself to their social group. Send group emails saying "Had so much fun with you guys!!!! When/where is the next dinner. Let's all throw out some dates."

1 reply · active 469 weeks ago

+7 Vote up Vote down

WibblyWobbly 94p · 468 weeks ago

"I already know an awful lot of people, so until one of them dies I couldn't possibly meet anyone else."

+4 Vote up Vote down

PixilDot · 468 weeks ago

So, going to places, finding a corner, reading my book, hope someone cool who also knows how to read, says "hey whatcha reading?" and is actually a book person stops by to chat for a while, is a fond, faint, fading thought?

+2 Vote up Vote down

providerinternetcikarang 9p · 463 weeks ago

See if you do the same drugs. Do them together

1 reply · active 431 weeks ago

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