Toasties. It snowed. And is properly cold. So we’re back to dark pictures of warm food… in this case pelmeni with butter. Much butter. Open-thread!!
Friday Open Thread!
Toasties. It snowed. And is properly cold. So we’re back to dark pictures of warm food… in this case pelmeni with butter. Much butter. Open-thread!!
I don’t know what a pelmeni is, but I want one.
me too!
They’re AMAZING little Russian dumplings (usually meat-filled). They are fantastic with some sour cream and dill
Sounds like piroshki?
Piroshki look more (from google, I haven’t had one but I want it) like a pasty whereas a pelmeni is more like a wonton
Yum, yeah. I wonder if they’re related foods?
Are piroshki related to pierogi? From the description, distantly. But from the language cues, closer?
I enthusiastically recommend reading the Wikipedia page for both, as I just did, if only for this morsel:
“Pierogi are probably the only Polish dish that has its own patron saint. “Święty Jacek z pierogami!” (St. Hyacinth and his pierogi!) is an old Polish expression of surprise, roughly equivalent to the English language “good grief” or American “holy smokes!” The origin of this expression is unknown.”
And then there are vareniki, with potato filling. There is a place in Madison, WI that makes the best of both of these. I crave them when I am away.
I’ve seen potato-filled dumplings served with jam recently. I was skeptical, but they were beautiful and perfect.
vareniki can also be filled with sour cherry filling. my grandma used to make them. they are delicious.
vareniki can also be filled with pre-cooked meat as opposed to pelmeni, which have raw meat (and then you cook them, obvs)!
I would eat at Paul’s Pelmeni every day if I could!
I am of the unwavering opinion that the One True Vareniki Filling is cottage cheese, even though they’re nigh on impossible to find commercially and I have to make them myself. I have a mad hankering for them now, and no time to make any 🙁
I haven’t lived in Madison for 10 years and I still think about pelmeni sometimes
Paul’s Pelmeni is on my list of must-eat foods when I visit.
There was a pelmeni place in the university town I used to live in and they were so good, especially since that city was super cold and miserable for a big part of the year.
Paul’s?
Yes!!! 😀
I knew it! College town. Pelmeni. Super cold and miserable big part of the year. Check, check, check.
If you are interested, here is my family’s pelmeni recipe. Note that although this is the real deal from my mom’s Cousin Vina, the proportions do not really work out–you will need to add a lot more flour to make he dough properly and probably make extra dough for this amount of meat. But they are totally worth it! (Also I like to eat them with vinegar rather than butter)
“This recipe is from Ann’s cousin Vina, who is from Minsk, in the former Soviet Union (now Belarus). Vina says, “Enjoy eating pelmeni!”
1 C+ flour
1 C cold water
1 egg
1 lb ground meat 1 onion, minced 1/4 tsp pepper 1/4 tsp salt
I. Mix egg with cup of cold water. Add gradually to flour to prepare dough. Dough has to be soft. Take a piece of dough and roll out (before rolling put some flour on cutting board).
II. Mix ground meat with salt, pepper and onion, add some spices (as much as you like).
III. Put 5-10o spoonfuls (teaspoon) of meat at the edge of dough next to each other and fold.
Take a small glass or a round cookie cutter and cut crescent shape.
IV. Prepare a big pan with boiling water (add a little salt) and put pelmeni into boiling water for 5-7 minutes till they come to the surface.
V. People eat them with butter and black pepper or with sour cream, or with ground pepper and vinegar.
You may freeze raw pelmeni on plastic tray and boil frozen when ready. You can keep them into freezer for half a year.”
yum! thanks!
Only thing more Slavic than “eat with sour cream or vinegar” is “eat with horseradish” 🙂
Eat with sour cream, horseradish and vodka. That’s how it goes in my family.
add some spices (as much as you like).
This is my kind of recipe
My sister has tried repeatedly to get the recipe for a certain Bosnian meat pie from her Bosnian coworker, who will only say things like, “make a dough!” “How? What kind of dough” “You just make a dough!”
The reason I have a recipe book full of my grandmother’s dishes is that one year my mother went over every time she was making a big family dinner and watched her cook, stopping her every time to measure how much of whatever she was using, because Grandma described cooking like that. “Make a dough!”
Your mother is a genius.
That’s my best friend’s mom’s potato salad recipes. All I have been able to get out of anyone is “uhh… potatoes, eggs, Duke’s mayo, mustard… ???????????” No measurements, nada. But boy is it delicious.
That’s an amazing document! How thoughtful of your mother to do that.
My sainted Czech ancestress who created the family kolach recipe had to be stopped before every step so the sainted Czech-American ancestress who transcribed it could properly measure the handful or drizzle she dropped in.
I get lazy an make my varenyky with sheets of premade pasta from the local market.
A surprising number of other countries’ dumplings can be simulated by using won-ton wrappers, and then boiling/frying.
I did Irish Stew Empanadas for St. Patrick’s day last month. Dough making is one of my least favorite aspects of cooking.
Do you cook the meatmixture ahead of time or put it in the dumplings raw?
in pelmeni you put in raw meat, in vareniki cooked!
This is excellent timing, because I was just thinking about a pound of ground beef I had in the freezer that I wanted to use up this weekend, but didn’t know what to do with, and then I saw the pelmeni and thought “Man, I wonder if i should try making dumplings for the first time” and then I scroll and there’s a recipe! It’s fate.
https://www.cia.gov/news-information/featured-sto…
CIA 1944 Sabotage manual people! I live for this. Ask me about the 1973 Army Survival Guide.
I’m pretty sure several of my co-workers and managers think that the 1944 sabotage manual is a how to guide on running meetings.
Totes:
“be pleasant to inefficient workers; give them undeserved promotions. Discriminate against efficient workers”
I’ll bite. Will you tell me about the 1973 Army Survival Guide?!
Key take-away: There are many ways to trap various animals for food but, when in doubt, try clubbing them.
My father is an army ranger. He will gladly tell anyone and everyone about the variety of animals he’s had to club in times of duress. Especially that rattlesnake.
I ate a live beetle because one of my RIs told me if I did he wouldn’t recycle me in Desert phase. It worked.
I LOVE those sorts of things. Ask me about my Korean War Airman’s Manual. Or the WWII Army Handbook. Or the WWII RAF ones. … Or the 2008 Airman’s Guidebook, but that’s boring.
You would probably get a kick out of Roger Hall’s WWII OSS memoir, You’re Stepping on My Cloak and Dagger. He’s fairly serious about the work, but he takes the piss so well you’d think he was British; it’s very funny.
Oooo. I heard about that, forgot the name and never read it. Thanks.
This is amazing. I think my favourite bit so far is from the list of ways to sabotage railway transport: “issue two tickets for the same seat in the train, so that an interesting argument will result”.
That, and the instruction that was basically “handwrite everything, but really slowly, and kind of messily. Oh, and move slowly, too.”
I got the sense that this sabotage manual was written for an extremely polite population.
Oh my god. As someone who has witnessed the bitter battleground that is the 1820 from London, with its chilling scenes like, “I’m afraid I have this seat reserved,”
“Oh, I’m so sorry, please just give me a moment to move my 3 heavy bags of shopping.”
“The sign does say it is reserved.”
“Oh, did it? I’m afraid I hadn’t noticed.”
“I’m sorry, but it is very clear.”
“Oh I am sorry, just give me a moment and I’ll be right out of your way, it’s no trouble at all.”
Two tickets with the same seat reservation? There would be anarchy in the streets, I tell you. Anarchy.
Did they also advise on eating crisps from a rustling bag in the quiet coach, followed by watching something on one’s phone with the volume just at audible range?
Not long ago I got into an argument over an armrest with a man on a very crowded Friday evening train from London and cried. I shudder to think what duplicate seat reservations would be like.
Toasties, it has been a long-ass week, so I shall give you the gift of my favorite video on the Internet.
Drunk Girls Getting Surprised with Puppies
Even if you have seen it before, do yourself a favor and watch it again. Share your favorite lines. Share the joy. Share the hope
I am one of those people who gets teary eyed whenever I have a strong emotional reaction, good or bad, and the joy of this video gets me every time.
“I CAN’T PROTECT THEM”
I FEEL LIKE A SINGLE PARENT
Seconded! Also, how can I sign up?
I watched this while drunk the other day and cried because I didn’t have puppies. True story.
Currently crying sober in bed because I’m not covered in puppies :”””(
“Look at this [beep]ing dog. And look at this [beep]ing dog!”
ahahahahahawwwwwww
“I shouldn’t have drank whiskey. I can’t protect them.”
You are the hero the Open Thread needs.
“My bunnies would eat you… but they’re all dead”
Personally I prefer Stoned People are Surprised With A Sloth
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iLONKRcJ1Zo
Its beautiful.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh
Oh THANK you.
My greatest regret in life is that I can’t watch this at work. (sobs into hands)
when you do get to watch it, enjoy. I just watched it again.
It’s at the absolute top of my list when I get home!
oh my god i am irrationally terrified of sloths. if someone ambushed me with one while i was high i would jump out the fucking window. (i’m glad these people are happy though.)
ME TOO and that was all I could think while watching this. Show me one of those things while I’m high? I would KILL YOU.
What kind of words should I use to convey the fact that my heart is exploding with joy right now?
This video is the best and purest form of humanity and I hope someone takes it up to Space Station so if we all get hit by an asteroid and die, aliens will be able to look back and have a fond impression of us.
“The dogs were on purpose. I was a mistake.”
This is my go-to surprise animal video for when I need cheering up http://youtu.be/rvP8nrKbIfE
If I don’t get surprised by animals today I will never get over this. I did not know this was An Internet Thing and now I do. I DO!!! Somebody bring me the babies!!
The dude I’m seeing works at a pet insurance company, so sometimes people bring pets to work, which is very exciting because he sends me photos (yesterday it was a hairless cat!) but also very jealous-making because my coworkers only bring babies and it’s much more awkward to try to pet those.
This video is a gift. A gift and a treasure.
“Remember when you guys kept bringing more dogs in here?”
Say cheese, Pistachio, say cheese!
Is anyone watching Criminal Minds: Beyond Borders? Join me for a point’n’laugh.
“Over 68 million Americans leave the safety of our borders every year. If danger strikes, the FBI’s International Response Team is called into action.”
It’s the most gorgeously offensive thing of disgusting beauty I’ve ever seen. Google-translated signs! Mysterious and hostile furriners! Cultural briefings read as-is from Wikipedia!
The fifth episode was particularly lovely. And featured the first non-POC killer of the series. I wish more American TV shows would be set in Paris. Or “Paris,” to be precise.
I hadn’t heard of this. I can’t believe this is even a real show.
I saw that it existed and I was going to watch, because I couldn’t imagine it not being terrible. But then I forgot all about it: apparently the concept we enough to impress me with it’s terrible potential, but not memorable enough for me to actual follow through. But now that you’ve confirmed that it’s as bad as I expected…
(I love terrible tv. We have so many conversations around here where I’m babbling about something, saying “You don’t understand! It’s SO stupid!”, and my husband is just perplexed about why I would watch it then.)
Yeah, I’ve been watching it, because Criminal Minds: Original Flavor is one of my guilty pleasure marathon shows. The new one is truly ridiculous with the stereotyping, but also kind of hilarious? My main problem so far is that I don’t even care about the characters enough to know their names yet. The characters are the best part of the original version!
God I love original Criminal Minds. I made up lyrics to the intro music. I know it has eight million problems but I could re-watch any one of those episodes at pretty much any time.
In my house it is referred to as “Murder Show.”
Do you drink every time someone says “unsub”? (My dad used to call that show “Unsubs” and CSI:NY “Bonasera” due to her constantly answering her phone that way)
No, but every time Hotch says, “Wheels up in thirty,” we raise both an imaginary glass and our real eyebrows.
I forgot about “Wheels up”! Then you have to say a really random quote that’s probably real but sounds faked. “Milk milk lemonade, around the corner fudge is made…Soren Kierkegaard.”
Ah, the adventures of the Crime Plane Crew. I watched so many of them and then started having murder nightmares so I had to stop.
i also love and binge on this bonkers show (penelope is my real life style icon though) but every time i get to the one with tim curry i have to take a break.
I read that phrase as ‘mysterious and hostile furriers’ which is a thing I would totally watch!
I think we should make [Nationality] Trope Bingo cards for future episodes. I was only half-watching Paris, but the Tokyo episode was totally tropetastic.
I watched the first episode with my mom, who is a retired Foreign Service officer, and we lost count of how many times we yelled about stuff that was wrong (like THE ENTIRE PREMISE OF THE SHOW)
In case anyone is curious what will really happen if you are involved with a crime abroad: Jack squat. Once you’re in prison, you might get a yearly visit from a foreign service officer who will bring you a magazine. But otherwise you don’t really get anything, whether you’re a victim or an offender (like if you get caught with drugs).
Ooh, do you watch Eurovision with her? Diplomats are insanely good at predicting the results.
No, I doubt she even knows what it is! None of her posts were in Europe.
“Over 68 million Americans leave the safety of our borders every year.”
Or, as I like to call it, “Go on holiday”.
“Are you leaving the safety of our borders this year?” “No, I’m just staying at home.”
If you haven’t already heard about MyNoise.net background/meditation noise generator yet, and you’re into that sort of thing, check it out. I am appreciating the “hydrogen” preset on the Stardust option right now.
Fellow Penzey’s lovers! Did you see they’re printing a limited run hardbound version of their 2016 Earth Day catalog? Here’s the text from the email: “To celebrate, we’ve produced a limited edition, hardbound expanded version of this catalog. And for its introductory weekend, we are making it yours free with any $10 purchase through Sunday the 10th. Just bring this coupon into one of our stores, or visit us online at penzeys.com and once you’ve reached $10 in spending enter in code BC001C in the Apply Code box at checkout.”
And a request! A friend of mine is out of town for a sad reason. I’m compiling a “Take A Break” email for her with small and happy things she can look at as she has time. If you’ve got suggestions for things to include, would you please comment with links to articles, tweets, Tumblr posts, etc., that are short, cheery, and about any of the following? Leverage, Harry Potter, Hamilton, Labyrinth (you bet your booty I’m sending her this), Steve/Bucky, and/or Norse gods? Much appreciated!
The Burgomaster just sent me a link to this article and holy crap. A team of computer scientists and engineers have figured out how to store and retrieve image files on DNA. We can store 10,000+ gigabytes in a pinhead-sized agglomeration of DNA molecules, thus shrinking datacenters a million-fold.
I sense a future where you’re partially made of GIFs, and I like it.
You know what this means, right?
HOLODECKS.
I’ll never have to leave my house for vacation again.
Re: MyNoise, I am in loooooove with their Cat Purr generator. It tricks me into having warm, fluffy thoughts when my office is cold and fluffless.
If she (and you, and everyone) aren’t already signed up for Two Bossy Dames newsletter, get on it now – it’s a small happy things dose every Friday, and they’re almost at good at gifs as you.
That’s where I get all my Hamilton fun (well, and here, of course), so you can hit their archives for specifics.
Hope your friend’s week gets better.
Thank you! We both already subscribe to The Rec Center, and this looks great, too! I love these services that find good stuff on the internet for us.
Meditation noise generators!! I’ll take anything keep me from wanting to punch my office mate when he goes full Buggs Bunny on his keyboard.
This has nothing to do with any of the things you listed for cheering up your friend, but sometimes when I’m feeling down, I google the words “Norwegian Cheese Fire” And the result is this article from the BBC that makes me giggle: http://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-21141244
I mean, it’s a little bit sad because of toxic fumes and damage to a road tunnel, and because a truck full of delicious brunost was destroyed, but no one was hurt, and the last line just makes me laugh. It was also immortalized in web-comic form: http://satwcomic.com/we-re-all-mad-here
Thank you for sharing this thing.
Thank you for the Penzey’s info! There is a store near our partner’s new workplace and we have been encouraging him to get us some things there. Perhaps this will tilt it over the edge!
I’m holding out for the real-life version of the “Star Trek white noise machine” that ThinkGeek was offering on April Fool’s Day.
I was pretty irritated that wasn’t a real thing, NGL.
I’m hoping that, given the apparent nerd demand, they’ll starting making them for real.
Ahhhh! I just found this as an option, way down at the bottom of the middle column!
thanks for the MyNoise link! As an acoustics consultant, this is right up my alley. I mean, my twitter/grammin handle is @soundandnoise.
In the interests of both gif-majicks and Things That Never Fail To Cheer Me Up, Hopefully It Will Be The Same For Your Friend:
http://www.goodreads.com/review/show/340987215
A gif-laden review/reaction series regarding each of the Fifty Shades of Grey books. Is it a little dated? Yes. Does it load slowly? Kinda, yeah. Do I have it bookmarked on every computer I use? Of course. Have I saved nearly every gif used in all three installations? You bet yer ass.
Ah-HA! I finally, finally figured out how to embed gifs!!
I wanted to so bad but was afraid to ask how.
Also, definitely nabbing that gif that is fucking hilarious and if you want to shop any of my gif collection now that you know how to use them, they’re almost all here.
How about some adorable Marvel doodles<a/>, some featuring Steve and Bucky? Like this:
Damnit, I can’t html today, and it won’t let me fix, but you get the idea!
ADORABLE!
I’m not even much of a Marvel person, and those are adorable.
Thank you for posting that noise generator! I have a cold and my brain is mush, and it has been very pleasing to just space out with tea and relaxing sounds. I think “Dark Water” and “Saturn Rings” are my favorites so far. 🙂
Oh! I hope you feel a bit better by now!
Job hunt thread, anyone?
So I’m pretty certain that I haven’t got through to the second round of the job I really wanted. Next week it will have been a month since the application deadline passed and I have heard not a peep. If anyone has stories about HR departments taking forever to respond to successful candidates, please share!
I did, however, get an interview with a company I don’t particularly want to join but applied to anyway since I don’t really feel like I can be picky when it comes to job hunting in such an over saturated industry. And now I feel like an ungrateful pig, because hearing I had an interview has filled me with anxiety and the only thing that’s getting me through is telling myself that a) I don’t actually have the job b) I don’t have to take the job if it is offered to me, and actually can’t take it if they’ve changed it from part to full time as I suspect they may have, and c) don’t even have to do the interview if it makes me feel this bad.
Actually I just wrote this all out then had an hour-long crying spell and admitted to myself that I feel totally overwhelmed and really don’t want that job. I think on Monday I’m going to talk to my therapist about it, but probably politely apologise and explain that I will no longer be attending the interview.
Navigating mental health issues and getting/staying well, at the same time as trying to find a job (and indeed do a job!) is shit. I have so much love and respect for everyone who is dealing with this too. Have the drink of your choice on me!
Navigating a different situation that also involves mental health + job searching and it IS tough. Sending support and repect and love back at you!
I feel this so aggressively. I’m still waiting to hear back for a job that I first applied to back in February (I made it to the edit test part, and I was told they couldn’t decide on anyone until April 5, but now it’s the 8th and I don’t know, I’m just impatient/convinced I didn’t get it due to radio silence). I just found out I missed the application window for a job because my application somehow never went through and by the time I followed up they had filled the position, which was heartbreaking, and then I have about five other applications out in the ether that I’ll likely never hear back from (because that isn’t anxiety-riddling.)
Let’s raise a glass to each other as we try to muddle our way through this hot mess?? As much as this sucks now, we can do it!
Unrelated to ANYTHING but I just noticed your image is a pallas cat and just. Yes. Perfection.
Speaking of things floating into the ether, I went in for an interview more than a month ago, and they said I’d hear back by the week after. Still haven’t heard anything, so I’m sure they gave the job to someone else, but for fuck’s sake — if I go into your damn offices, you need to have the courtesy to reject me explicitly.
I had one of those, but it turned out they just “got busy” and eventually had me in for a second interview. HOWEVER, after that 2nd interview I had to contact them to find out I was rejected. So….could go either way!
I’m here for empathizing/mutual complaining.
I had a phone interview this morning, so naturally I woke up with the worst sore throat of my life. Then I tried to follow-up on an application i sent in for a job that I would love and think I’m well qualified, but the hiring manager didn’t answer 🙁
Here’s to your successful search!
Don’t bail on the interview yet! OK to do so *after* talking with your therapist. Let’s be sure it’s really what’s best and not depression’s lies.
That said, I trust your judgment. Do what you feel is best. I support any decision you make. And I believe in you. You can tend your health, job hunt, and do interviews all at the same time. It is exhausting, but you can do it.
And it’s ok to call and ask if the position is still part-time, that will save everyone some trouble if it isn’t. I agree with the therapist/wait and see option. If you decide to bail, you’ll know you gave it considered thought and that it wasn’t the best for you, not a panic-induced reaction.
I’ve been job hunting for about 6 months now, I have a job already, but I’m lucking for something new so I can afford to be a bit picky but I’m probably not giving it as much effort as I should be. I hate filling out applications, so I’m just letting recruiters do all the work for me. Heard back from one and they want to interview next week, so thats good!
I’m also torn between continuing along the path that I’m currently on (Digital producer, mostly website builds) or really pushing to change to what I want to do (Video producer, producing tv ads). I’ve been applying for every suitable Junior Producer job at a production company I can find, but since I’m non-shooting and don’t have much previous video experience I’m not really getting anywhere (ITS THE SAME SET OF SKILLS PEOPLE. I really don’t know why people can’t see that.)
I hope you find something good soon!
Yes, hello, print production manager here, looking to do project management for literally anything other than educational publishing. It’s all just data, I can organize it. Give me a job.
I also feel you, given that I went back to school to get the video experience I was missing.
In my personal experience, sometimes for video producing, people expect you to intern with them (for free!) first. Everywhere’s different, though, obvi.
Yes! They expect you to have a couple of internships and be an expert in editing software to even consider you for an assistant/junior producer!
My current plan, sort of, is get a new job with a significant raise in digital and save some money for a short course in shooting/editing. Since I already working in the industry I want (advertising) in agencies, I’m hoping to get a job in an agency that does video/TV spots as well and try a lateral move into doing some video.
Did you get the job you wanted?
“My current plan, sort of, is … save some money for a short course in shooting/editing.”
I highly highly recommend this. Graduate education, in my experience, hasn’t given me any more practical abilities whatsoever. I lucked out in that I had to do a work/study thesis for the on-campus tv studio, and they hired me.
I think your way sounds a lot smarter and will hopefully be less painful.
Thanks! I’m very pragmatic about education, it it’s a means to an end, it needs to give me what I need on my CV to get the job I want. (I only did a degree because you need one to get a professional job and I did mine in 3 years instead of 5 and I have the same line in my CV as everyone else and all it does is tick a box in an ATS to get my CV in a pile with others.)
Ugh. That’s a crappy situation to be in. I just did the same thing – interviewed for a job I didn’t really want. Then they turned me down, and it was simultaneously a little bit of “well, good” and “well fuck you then!”.
I also had a really great interview for a separate job, but it was for a dev job at a porn site, and most of the people who I spoke to whose opinion I value (parents, GF, one of my very good friends) told me not to go for it. It would have been some really cool technical challenges, but I understand the reticence, and I was a little worried that, down the line, when I’m looking for work again, having a porn site on the resume might make it a little hard to keep moving on and up.
So now I’m back to chatting people up and sending out resumes. My roommate was supposed to hook me up with some people at his work, but I’ve never heard anything back on that front, which puts me in a slightly awkward position. (Not too awkward, I’ve known him forever and can bust his balls about it, but it’s awkward to reach out again to other people there and be like…hey. Remember me?) Ugh. I hate job hunting.
There was recently an AMA on reddit about some porn site developers, and when asked about if they envisioned this being a problem in future job searches, they were like, No, being able to say that we worked on a site that got millions and millions of page views should be impressive enough.
This is 100% true, and if I were planning on staying entirely in development, I may very well have taken the job, but I have some ambitions beyond just writing code, and in the area where I’m likely to live/work it probably would be an issue. Also, my GF is from a culture that’s pretty conservative (I mean, I’m a white Midwesterner, so I am too, but her family is even more so) and it would probably be a stressor, even if it was a great job for me. Basically, there were just a bunch of things that lined up against it, and didn’t outweigh the positives it offered.
As another person trying to balance depression/anxiety with job hunting, you have my sympathies. I raise my glass to you.
I had two interviews this week. One was a really fun conversation with cool people, the job is mostly what I did at my last job, …and it wants to pay me $20K less than my last job. So that’s a big fat no.
The other was a second-round interview for a job that ALSO pays slightly less than my last job (but much more than the other), but it has flexible hours, lots of benefits, and cool people as well. And it has a better title. So I think if they offer it, I will take it. The biggest downside is a much longer commute than I’ve ever had before.
I hate this part where I’m tentatively excited and planning how life will work if I get the job, because sometimes it does not happen.
Re: the interview you don’t want – is there any benefit to going to the interview just for practice? Obviously you know what is best for you, though.
I’m wondering how many jobs you guys apply for in a week. I’ve been averaging 3 or 4, but I feel like I need to pick up the pace because I’ve had zero responses. But it’s hard to convince myself to put in more time and effort to tasks that are onerous and fruitless thus far. My last interview was January 22nd. Crickets, since then. I’ve had other things on my mind (moving last month, then promptly ending a 10-year relationship with my boyfriend and realizing we now have to live together for an unspecified number of months until one of us can move out, etc.), but it is starting to be alarming.
I just moved to the DC metro and there are WAY more jobs for my skill set here than in Philly, but I think part of the reason I’m getting no response is because there are always other people with actual non-profit or legislative experience, and I have none of that. Wouldn’t it be nice to live in an economy where companies were able/willing to give you a shot to prove yourself?
I’m feeling a lot of dis-motivating factors right now, making it hard for me to really throw myself into editing my cover letters for the 1000th time in a blind hope of better responses.
I’ve decided to deal with all this by adopting a dog. They’re better than antidepressants, for me anyway.
More dogs is always the right answer.
I’m lucky if I apply to one or two per week. There aren’t a lot of openings in my field. Interviews seem to come in batches for me – three weeks of nothing, then two in a week, for example. I don’t know how applicable my experience is to less niche industries though.
I’ve been averaging like 4 to 6 applications a month, which I think is too slow – I have been getting interviews (yay!) but no offers, which is deeply de-motivating.
One career coach I know says that if you’re not getting interviews, you probably need to rewrite your resume, if you’re not getting 2nd interviews, you probably need to work on your interviewing skills and I forget what his remedy for not getting offers was (but I probably should be doing whatever it is).
I’m slowly getting ready to target organizations I want to work for, instead of waiting for job postings (which are drying up), which terrifies me but also feels like I’ll have more control. It’s all terrifying.
Job hunting sucks.
Are you completely unemployed right now? Could you swing some volunteering at an org very similar to where you want to work or doing similar skills/activities? Sometimes it’s easier to grab those types of positions and then revamp to put that on your resume and get more interest that way.
I got a call for an interview approximately 2 years after applying, once. I have also had delays of several months. The hope is alive.
My mother’s mantra is always “people who already have a job are in no rush.” Basically, what she means is that YOU may need/want a job this very moment, but the people doing the hiring can take their sweet-ass time.
Might have to write that on a post-it above my desk!
Hugs to you because I’m also doing the “I’m depressed and anxious and yet I must summon the fortitude to chase job opportunities” dance.
Last week I was officially for-real rejected from my dream job (after being a final round applicant) while at a conference with a bunch of people from this organization in attendance, while SITTING IN A PANEL by those people. I already knew they’d offered the job to someone else, but there had been such a delay that I was hoping that person turned it down. So I feel simultaneously validated that I made it to the final round, but also really fucking sad because I wanted that job and I feel like these people are the “cool kids” and I have no idea how to break in.
However, I did get in touch with someone I really admire about volunteering with her organization, and she said my resume was so impressive she “didn’t know where to start.” So I think that maybe someday someone will pay me to do a job, which is better than I’ve felt recently, but I also know that the hard parts are yet to come (I’m going to start full-time job searching in a few months once finishing my degree is actually in sight) and it makes me tired.
but also really fucking sad because I wanted that job and I feel like these people are the “cool kids” and I have no idea how to break in.
This!!!! I feel weird talking to acquaintances about their jobs in the same field because I always end up feeling like I’m angling for an invite to a party no one really wants me at.
Crossing my fingers that something turns up for you soon, and good luck with finishing your degree!
Ugh I feel you so much. Sending good thoughts and raising my mug of tea to you!
I got a job offer early this week, and I start on Monday, after a long weekend of moving. So that’s great, I hope I’m not too brain-broken to look sharp for training. Also they need a police check done, and it has to be delivered within 14 days of Monday, and now I’m terrified that it will be late and they’ll rescind the offer and augh.
Alright, so my job situation is I am waiting on formal offer from competitor in less than desirable snowy place (months ago in open thread I solicited advice on high pay/less desirable place vs. lower pay/more desirable) and I am so dreading negotiating a counter offer. Dept head on board, dean has been prepped to expect it, but I am still so scared they are gonna be like ‘No, you traitorous person, go off to distant climes and REPENT.’
I may be a touch dramatic here, but I am having trouble sleeping.
I’ll drink of mug of my favorite ginger peach tea (good for grounding) to that.
I’m also trying job hunt with mental health issues and it’s such a catch-22: being unemployed / underemployed makes my PTSD symptoms way, way worse and yet, my PTSD symptoms make it much harder to look for a job. It’s actually better right now, but I’m so aware of how precarious this all is.
Lots of love and respect to you too.
Internet hugs to you. Job searching is so stressful, and mental health issues make it extra tough. Hang in there!
I am an HR Coordinator at a Chicago tech company, and I’m directly involved in all of our interviewing and hiring. Hiring processes are different at different companies (we come from startup world and tend to move super quickly, and I know many places are much slower), so obviously take everything I say with a grain of salt. Generally, if a company is interested in interviewing you, they will reach out ASAP, especially in really competitive job markets.
I know that can be hard to hear, but I promise I have more uplifting things to say too. There are a lot of stupid reasons a company might pass you over for an interview, so please, please, please don’t feel like you are any less qualified because of it. One of the biggest deciding factors in most hiring situations is the ever-elusive “culture fit,” and people make decisions on this based on silly things on resumes all the time (I’ve heard hiring managers say things like “I don’t know about him. His resume font choice is really strange.”). The good news: you have piqued a company’s interest in a saturated market! That’s so awesome! That’s an achievement! Trust me–the person who chose you looked through a LOT of other resumes. And it means that if you’re not interested in this place, other companies will likely be interested in you too.
I would recommend talking to them if the job is still part-time (unless it feels like too much to handle, mental-health wise, in which case, take care of yourself first). You never really know what the vibe will be like anywhere until you start talking to people who work there, and vibe is important. If a company doesn’t like you, chances are high that you wouldn’t have liked them either. This thing goes both ways.
Anywho, I hope I have not been really depressing, and I wish you the very best of luck. I think you are going to kick the job search’s ass.
I work in HR in a government and, as one might expect, we are sloooooow. I don’t do hands-on recruiting anymore, but when I did, I had to go through a central recruitment unit and there were levels and levels of approval and steps and yeah. The quickest we could turn around a competition was 3 months, usually it took much much longer.
We put in an offer on a condo and it was accepted! We had an inspection and there’s nothing really wrong with it! It’s less than a mile away from not one but TWO T stops! It’s got central A/C (the unicorn of Boston)! I only had to be in this terrible housing market for a hot 3.5 minutes! We can actually afford it! It’s got a mansard roof and I’ll never get that Vampire Weekend song out of my head!
I just signed the P&S for a *house* in Boston! A whole house, at a price we can afford! Yay for Toasties living in Boston unicorns!!
Unicorns, indeed! Congratulations!
We basically traded our dream of a stand-alone house for A/C (and a good kitchen). I will miss my gardening opportunities, but I’m sure Pinterest will tell me neat ways of growing stuff on my little porch.
Central A/C is so clutch! Congrats 🙂 I do not garden at all, though maybe I will learn something?! The front yard/garden area is about as tiny as tiny can be so maybe it will be a good learning spot haha. But there is a lovely tree in the tiny area which, we just noticed during the inspection, has flowers! *dying*
Amazing! Congrats! Whereabouts did you end up?
We are near Alewife (so, technically, Boston area, not Boston lol). I am so excited!! They wanted to sell really fast and we didn’t have to sell our current place since we are renting, so they picked us even though we couldn’t afford as much as the other offers. 😀
That’s great!!! I used to work in Alewife and I really liked it there. I could go for nice walks on my lunch break around the reservoir, which I miss a lot now that I’m downtown. Plus you’ve got like the mother of all Whole Foods so that’s a perk.
Aww that’s so good to hear! I’ve been thinking it was a little far out for me (my husband works in the suburbs, so his commute on rte 2 is going to be way awesomer now, but I like my city) so I’m glad to hear good things about the area!
Depending on where, exactly, you are with respect to the highway, it’s a little bit…not of a neighborhood. I used to live out there and called it “where the sidewalk ends” (even though, technically, there are, in fact, sidewalks). But it’s filling in pretty rapidly. Maybe even too rapidly for the infrastructure. And the Whole Foods is at *least* the size of God’s toenail, so there’s that.
I’m so jealous – I’m renting in that area and have been looking to buy there for ages! Congrats!
Oh man. We wanted something out there, since I work in Kendall and the husband in Lexington, but hardly anything fit our needs and our price range. Double congrats.
Almost our exact situation. We got so lucky! Thanks!
Congrats! Yay unicorns!
Central A/C in Boston, near a T stop? Adopt me! And congrats!
Congratulations! That’s fantastic news!
Boston real estate hunt! So terrifying, so magical! I can hardly believe that this time last year I was in the thick of that, too!
Congrats!
We ended up with a house (a house! with a yard! and a driveway!) at the Roxbury/JP border (so many T stops and busses), also with central air, and I keep calling it our goddamn unicorn.
HOTDAMN! That’s like a unicorn-pegasus that also does your dishes.
It has a dishwasher, so it literally *does* do our dishes!
I mean, it’s also on a wee little dirt road of a private way, which never gets plowed. And our basement, which seemed totally dry when we were looking at it, likes to fill with water when there is a lot of rain. So, trade-offs.
Oh, basements! I have a bit of an anxiety about this, because one of the levels of living space is in a partially above-ground basement. I mean, it all looks good now and there is no sign of leakage anywhere despite the rains recently and the walls look sound, but who knows–one day I may wake up in a bed-raft afloat…
Fortunately, it has all been clean, clear water. There isn’t very much of it, just floor puddles. And my general suspicions about basements means that everything that matters is already up off the floor and sometimes in plastic bins.
Congrats!
Is there a salty message written in the eaves?
I’ll see myself out.
*as I disappear into the distance* congratulatiooooooonnnsss….
No–but soon there may be, if I can get up under there.
Congrats!! There must be good real estate karma going on for Boston Toasties today, bc I’m about to sign the lease on a great apartment exactly one block from the T, in a nice area. No more 1 1/2 hour commute, yay!
We should all do a meet-up when we’re settled 🙂
Highest of fives on the reduced commute! I FEEL YOUR PAIN (or at least 1.25 hours of it).
(I got better.)
I loooove wine. Do not like port, even as a friend.
Rich tapestry, eh?
I love to smell it. But any more than that, and I will have an insta-headache.
Noooo port is so gooooood
Then again, I don’t think I’ve ever had more than two glasses at a time, and it only seems to happen when I’m visiting family and eating somewhere fancy
I will not be following my drunk advice, I assure you.
Yet another plus of living in a community with a large Portuguese population is port at all price points. 7 dollar port! 15 dollar port! 30 dollar port! Free port of unknown provenance in an old crystal decanter!
Ohhhh man I will drink pretty much any free thing of unknown provenance that comes in an old crystal decanter
ETA: so now you all know how to poison me, if that ever becomes necessary
BE CAREFUL, they might do it just to steal your Viking.
Perhaps I should haunt thrift stores for old crystal decanters to glam up my $10 Trader Joe’s port!
yes yes yes do this I will follow your lead.
I think I really will do this but not until summer when we have moved into the NEW HOUSE (because I must mention NH every open thread!) always assuming we actually close on the 18th!
I do this–we have four fancy old decanters from an antique store, filled with grocery store-brand vodka, gin, whiskey, and rum. No one can tell your vodka cost $8 when it comes out of a beautiful bottle!
Not to be a downer, but – you know you’re not s’posed to store liquids in crystal decanters, right? Because crystal is made w/lead? 🙁
http://scotchaddict.com/are-leaded-crystal-decant…
Ooooh, I did not! But I am pretty sure mine are just made of glass anyway.
I knew people in college with a similar theory: wine in a box, poured into a decanter = fancy wine! “Excuse me, I have to go in the kitchen and decant the wine for dinner.”
Noooooooooooo
But then again, it almost feels selfish to try to keep him all to myself. Maybe we can work out a rotating calendar of some kind?
Please nobody poison meeeeee
No Toasties would ever steal the Viking. We love the Viking but we would never stoop to such dishonor.
True friends, all of ye
Ohhhh man I will drink pretty much any free thing of unknown provenance that comes in an old crystal decanter
This sounds like the preface to something Interesting happening in Fallen London.
It does!
Tweet #2 is why I didn’t choose to open the port last night.
This brings back a memory for me. When my housemate went into labor and went to the hospital with her husband, I FREAKED OUT that she might die in childbirth and decided the only thing to do was cook so much food for them. In addition to a bunch of other stuff, I made Smitten Kitchen’s mushroom marsala pasta bake. I drank the leftover marsala pretty fast while the pasta baked, not realizing that it was a fortified wine like port. Fast forward to 11 PM when they come home without a baby (don’t worry, they went back to the hospital the next day and had a lovely baby girl), I am SMASHED and there are two weeks of delicious homemade meals in the fridge that weren’t there before. Everyone was confused (me: why don’t you have a baby? them: why are you so drunk? where did this food come from?).
That is the best story.
Thank you! Would recommend Smitten Kitche’s mushroom marsala pasta bake btw: http://smittenkitchen.com/blog/2015/01/mushroom-m…
If I ever change my mind about never ever becoming pregnant ever, can I move in with you?
Sure! I’m not actually good with babies though, just panic cooking…
You and me both!
Oh god who’s going to take care of the baby
I volunteer, I like babies and eating food.
Perfect!
Fuck it, let’s just start a commune
You are an AWESOME housemate.
Everything about this story is wonderful.
Best. Story.
oh god this is fantastic
hilarious tweets! port is fantastic, but it’s a sipping wine, usually paired with cheese at the end of a meal. if you want to get your wine on, any of those smallish or thin bottles are usually going to be too sweet.
Haha, oddly Port is my husband’s go to camping drink? Okay, it’s kind of his go to drink in general, but he definitely drank nearly a whole bottle of port one night of a somewhat rowdy camping trip.
Yeah, I can see that as a good choice for camping. It generally comes in smaller bottles than regular wine, and it’s dessert and alcohol all in one! V pragmatic.
My sole episode of “drinking until I threw up and had a hangover” (yes, I am very dull) involved port. I don’t even like port that much! I was just in a very bad mood.
(It was not just port; it was cava, white wine, red wine and THEN port. Thanks, Oxford.)
hey darlings I have two amazing and beautiful college stories for you
one about my final for my Global class and another about registering for classes this morning.
My French class was cancelled this morning so my first thing today was a meeting with my advisor to register for classes. Registration opened at 7 am this morning, but non of my classes were totally in demand. I get all set up for registering for French 201….when I get an error saying I am not eligible for registration. So I of course freak out and get all panicky. We go down to the registrar’s office, the intern looks at me, tells me to log out and then back in, and then I finally get to the registration screen. Turns out I changed my password and it automatically logged me in with my old one.
I signed up for:
Dramatic Writing
Design for the Stage 1
French 201
Digital Visual Thinking
and …on a lark…
I’m taking Archery and Badminton pass/fail.
it’s to fulfill a requirement, but it should be fun.
in other news, my Global final:
Over my trip to New York I started designing clothes in a coqui sketchbook I picked up at the Met. I used my theater costume skills and applied it to regular clothes.
I presented it for a preliminary project to my class for feedback, and everyone loved it. I started talking and really getting INTO it. I get super passionate about it and it showed.
Anyways, my professor pulls me aside after class and says that she would help me design my own fashion major and that I should pursue this as a career, it’s my calling.
And…I’m really happy with this. It makes me so happy to design things, and to learn about clothes.
Good things are happening!
ARCHERY OH MY GOSH
Classes taken on a lark are always the most fun classes, it is just science.
I took Archery and Badminton as my two P.E. credits in college! They were both a blast.
Years later, it was discovered that Mr. Ksek (in a different school in a different year) ALSO did archery and badminton as his P.E. credits. Something about those credits apparently appeals to a certain type of nonathletic person! (As a bonus coincidence, we both discovered in archery class that we’re right-hand-dominant/left-eye-dominant — a fairly rare thing that means we got to shoot with left-handed bows and (in my case) meant that we didn’t have to share bows with anyone else .
I am also left eye-dominant but right-handed. I am confused why you would shoot with a different bow though; wouldn’t using a right-handed bow (where you are holding the bow in your left hand and firing with your right) just put your dominant eye closer to the target?
No, because a right-handed bow is set up to be held on the right side of your body (as far as the grip and what side of the bow the arrow rests on), which means your left eye would always be further away from the bow, making it much harder to aim accurately.
archery is so fucking fun. I learned it on a Becoming an Outdoorswoman weekend!
I had a knack for it, and people were asking me if I’d done it before, I said “yeah I do this in video games all the time”
So you said we should be friends, wanna Toast Post (extracurricularily)? Like people with real places to live?
YESSSSSSS I’m dangerflakes at hotmail and I AM a real person with a real place to live so let’s do this!
I sent you my address! I love the Toast!
Wow, that’s fantastic about the clothing design! I’m an artist but NOT a designer at all, so I really really respect people who are good at design. (Also, theater costume is so much fun. I would love to wear clothes designed by a theater costume person.)
Archery is fun as hell; I got a makeshift archery range set up in my back yard and when it is warm enough I can spend hours at it, it is very soothing.
oh shit also congratulations on finding your calling, that is way great
I love this story! Congratulations on a serendipitous revelation about your calling! I was primed by the drunken puppy video, and was moved on your behalf! <3
I got snowed on while biking to work today and my pants got all cold and wet. 🙁
It is April and you have snowpants, that is unacceptable and someone needs to make a law against this.
I have to admit I was a little confused by your comment at first and was like, “But if I did have snowpants I wouldn’t have this problem!”
Me too — was not snowing at all when I left home and forecast was clear 🙁 Now I’m looking out my window at pretty intense snowfall and wondering what will become of me tonight.
Yup, ditto. I even rode my fast bike as an attempt to keep the snow from getting worse (was just a few flakes when I left the house). But it seems to be sunny outside right now!
hahahahaha I just looked outside, what the fuck
::warm Toasthugs::
The WORST. We had such a false spring that I can’t imagine ever being able to wear a sundress again.
This is the worst week. My job is a nightmare, it’s been snowing on and off here, I’m stuck in a holding pattern waiting to find out when and where we will be moving, my husband won’t be back till the end of the month, I’m lonely, and I must do something to perk myself up.
What’s your favorite comfort reading? And comfort foods? I will be diving into an LM Montgomery hole with some type of cake.
Chocolate cake and The Princess Bride
I made a cake last night. You mix it in the pan. It is delicious
*internet hugs*
Comfort reading recs–
I Capture the Castle, by Dodie Smith
anything by Stella Gibbons, but particularly Nightingale Wood
Rainbow Rowell’s YA books
Jaclyn Moriarty’s YA books
Ella Enchanted, by Gail Carson Levine (can’t go wrong with anything by her actually)
Historical fiction by Daisy Goodwin, Phillippa Gregory, and Ann Rinaldi.
anything by the Mitfords
And Evelyn Waugh isn’t as cheerful, but Vile Bodies is a delightful satire and I love it.
Hope that your weekend gets better! Also, I don’t know if there’s a Whole Foods near you, but I’ve found that their Chantilly fruit cake works wonders for terrible weeks.
JACLYN MORIARTY YES
I love The Year of Secret Assignments SO MUCH. Female friendship FTW
Ahhhh I’m so happy that there’s other Moriarty fans on here! Feeling Sorry for Celia is also SO GOOD. And I can’t recommend the Colours of Madeleine Trilogy or Spellbook of Listen Taylor enough.
AHHH I just finished reading the last in the Colours of Madeleine trilogy last week and it was SO GOOD and I’m so sad it’s over; guess it’s time to read all the Ashbury books again!
Just followed you on tumblr (via your IntenseDebate link) if you want to squee over Tangle of Gold more without worrying about spoilers! I’ve been dying to discuss it with more people. (Princess Ko forever and ever).
I love Jaclyn Moriarty so much! Feeling Sorry For Celia, Finding Cassie Crazy (called The Year of Secret Assignments in other countries?) and Becoming Bindy Mackenzie give me so many feelings. I love them. I have not read The Spellbook of Listen Taylor, but I have read the adult book it is based on, I Have a Bed Made of Buttermilk Pancakes.
Yes! That’s all I’ve read by her but I loved it.
I have a total love/hate relationship with Ann Rinaldi! She pops up on my blog all the time because I MUST TALK ABOUT HER.
Her YA books were my CHILDHOOD and one of the main reasons I become the huge history nerd I am. I love Break with Charity a lotttt, and I recently reread The Fifth of March, which I enjoyed, just because I love John Adams.
I reviewed The Fifth of March a few weeks ago but haven’t gotten back around to A Break with Charity yet, though I should!
Ooh link to Fifth of March?
I also really loved her Quilt Trilogy.
ETA: Just found your blog! *scurries off to read*
Hello my reading twin, I am going to be checking out all of your recs that I haven’t yet read!
My most comforting Mitford book is Wigs on the Green where Nancy makes lots of fun of the British fascists she is related to by marriage.
Also is Nightingale Wood your favourite Gibbons?
Ahh I haven’t read Wigs on the Green, but that sounds WONDERFUL.
It is! I really love Cold Comfort Farm as well, but Nightingale Wood is just so lovely and romantic and soothing, so it fits all my requirements for comfort reading. Cold Comfort Farm is one of the best satires ever though, which I am HERE for, so I also adore it. I actually haven’t read any of her others–do you have recommendations?
ok so question for you and everyone else in the internet world. until very recently i always read the expression “here for” with the inflection that you would use with a sad friend — like, “i’m here for you,” meaning that the user advocates for and endorses the relevant content. but i recently had the stunning realization that it’s actually probably usually meant in the sense of “i’m just here for the cumberbatch gifs”, which i find much less charming. your thoughts, user of this expression? (to be clear, i’m going to keep using it the first way — but i wonder if i’m the only person in the world who hears that intonation.)
I have just started using this expression recently and I definitely mean it like… “I am totally into this and would like to have more of it, please sign me up for your newsletter!” Which I think is more than the first meaning than the second?
Your stunning realisation does in fact stun me and now I will have to think about it.
hm I dunno, I don’t think either of those fits my usage. to me it’s like- “I’m into it, I’m ready, my butt is in the metaphorical audience seat and my wallet is in my hand, please put this content in my face and let me talk about it for days”
(whereas not here for something means “noooope I’m physically walking away/going to disengage now bye”)
I think it’s a more forceful expression of interest & approval than either of the intonations you suggested!
ooh that’s EXACTLY what I meant by “advocating and endorsing,” completely. yessss you are all vindicating me
Yes, I definitely meant it in the way that the other commenters have indicated-as in “this is great, sign me up, let’s talk about this more.” 🙂
I (Cassandra) enjoyed both of those very much; Cold Comfort Farm is an old favourite, whereas I have only read Nightingale Wood once. I enjoyed it, and I take great comfort in knowing Gibbons is wrong about Saxon’s future, since the second World War will happen.
I think my favourite of hers (although there are many I have not yet read) is Westwood, which is set in London during WW2, which is also when she wrote it. It is long and denser than her others, and about growing up and discovering idols have feet of clay, and whether or not it is possible for a woman who wants marriage and children to actually have a satisfying life without those things.
Ooh that sounds wonderful! I love novels set in WW2, so I will definitely have to check it out. Thank you for the rec!
Somewhere else in the open thread we are discussing Angela Thirkell, who wrote one novel a year from perhaps 1933 through 1959 or 1960, so there is one for each year of WW2, and they are all set contemporaneously.
Have you read Jan Struthers’ Mrs. Miniver?
Okay, I might have to look up that as well. As I mentioned, I love anything related to WWII, so those sound wonderful. (I’m also flying to London in a few days, so I’m looking for London-based books to read on the plane. I might download those or the Stella Gibbons novel for my Kindle).
I have not read Mrs. Miniver! I’ve heard wonderful things about it though. Another must read?
Mrs. Miniver sounds like a must-read for you; London during the early days of WW2 — and it is available for free online with copious notes by the author’s children:
http://digital.library.upenn.edu/women/struther/m…
The Thirkell… I really do enjoy them, she was writing them as she lived the war and while the setting is fictional (she stole Trollope’s Barsetshire to write in, and I had thought it was because she was descended from him in some way, but I cannot find any evidence of that so I am not certain where I got the idea) the concerns are very realistic and very clearly her own. Her 1930s novels are satiric, she is making fun of village life and country house life and the society she knew very well, but by the 40s she finds that society under attack and so she is more concerned about defending it from change. Thus her WW2 books are both describing rationing and ranting about how it is going to destroy England because nobody is getting decent nutrition now that they have to eat all those *vegetables* instead of bread with lard spread on it. So if you are both Anglophilic and a WW2 buff, do read them, because it is on the ground and very real, but she is exceptionally conservative and by the 50s she has ‘sympathetic’ characters sitting around talking about how lovely it would be if all the working class people would just die off so the traffic would be better and the shops less crowded.
Have you read The Diary of a Provincial Lady and its sequels (one is set in WW2) by EM Delafield? It makes me laugh out loud.
Oh yes, I love those books, and all the rest of Delafield’s work — when I was still in university & had inter-library loan I read almost everything she’s written. I like them all but I think the WW2 makes me laugh the most. What a pleasure to find another Delafield reader!
I just commented about Westwood! I love it.
Although it has a lot of flaws, I really liked Westwood by Stella Gibbons, especially this line about a loathesome male character: “Like most seekers for an ideal woman, he did not really like women, believing that they disappointed and failed him on purpose”. Perfection.
Yes, and did you know he is based on an actual novelist/playwright? I tracked down the original to better understand what Gibbons was making fun of and oh my.
I feel you, sending good thoughts your way. Also, I am at this very moment eating a huge thing of mac and cheese right out of the pot, which is basically my number one comfort
That was my Wednesday dinner and it was phenomenal.
My comfort reads are Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy and Lamb by Christopher Moore. LM Montgomery sounds like good comfort reading too, I must try that.
I like reading books targeted to young readers about codes and solving them, or how to play chess, and nacho-cheese-coated chips dunked into cottage cheese and salsa. Cakewise I’m a coffee cake-r, largely for that crumb topping.
Have you read Blue Balliett’s Chasing Vermeer and if so what did you think of it? And have you read the many others she wrote?
I have not! And i remember seeing them while shelving in days of bookstore yore and being curious. Making a note for the library this Sunday and I will report back when I’ve dug in a bit.
I’m looking forward to the report!
Mac and cheese and the Harry Potter books!
I’ve been reading Shannon Hale’s Austenland and Midnight at Austenland, for when you want Austen fluff fun without parsing out Regency realness, and god help me I think I’ve only eaten burritos for a week. (That can’t be good for me physically, but it does my spirit wonders, so screw it.)
Asian cuisine and Netflix has been my favorite comforting thing lately.
I made/ate a giant pot of southwestern chili and watched an entire season of
New Girl, and I never felt better.
Podcasts have helped me with loneliness.
I’ve lived alone for five years and it helped me not go completely crazy.
Oh, bb, I hope things are better soon. My fave comfort reading is Mary Stewart 60s romance/thriller novels. These are my favorite comfort treats. For savory comfort food, I’d have to say fried potatoes. Mmm. Now I really want some fried potatoes.
Ooh I second Mary Stewart! I have only read The Ivy Tree so far, but I just bought Nine Coaches Waiting!
Ah! Nine Coaches Waiting is my second favorite of hers and no kidding, I started re-reading The Ivy Tree this week! What a charming coincidence! I hope you love it.
Charming coincidence indeed! Thanks, I’m pretty sure I will! Which of hers is your favorite?
This Rough Magic! Teenage me had a thing for Greece and Shakespeare, so it was already a good fit, but then throw in Bonus Dolphin and sold.
I have been looking entirely forward all day to going home and reading a handful of Mary Stewart I picked up at the library yesterday. THIRTY MORE MINUTES UGH
Oh yay! Which is your favorite? Mine has always been This Rough Magic with Nine Coaches Waiting as a close second.
When I really need a break, it’s an entire box of Kraft Extra-Cheezy Mac & Cheese with like half a pound of bacon crumbled in it, followed by brownie-inna-mug, while reading Sarah Monette or any of the ludicrously large numbers of 80s fantasy novels I still have lying about the place.
(Guess what my Sunday plans are?)
Cookies (literally any kind) and Moomin books.
I enjoy eating an entire Party Size bag of cool ranch Doritos. The crunch is very satisfying, and sometimes looking at the different folded triangles and thinking of ways to fit them in your mouth is mentally stimulating. Sometimes.
Definitely kraft mac & cheese for comfort food, sometimes with ground beef cooked separately and mixed in while the sauce is still very wet so it gets all cheesy and delicious.
As for reading, we are down with the flu right now and I am devouring YA novels as fast as I can download them. Rainbow Rowell’s _Fangirl_ was fantastic, Stephanie Perkin’s _Anna and the French Kiss_ was sort of puff pastry, and I did not think much of _An Abundance of Katherines_.
My comfort books are I Capture The Castle by Dodie Smith and anything by Eva Ibbotson (e.g. Magic Flutes or The Morning Gift, and I’m about to read A Song For Summer for the first time because I, too, have had A Week). I also love Jane Austen, Elizabeth Gaskell and PG Wodehouse.
As for food, I find baking cakes and making pasta to be very relaxing and in both cases the results are delicious 🙂
A Song For Summer is my favourite, I think. Enjoy!
Warning, A Song For Summer will make your heart ache – in a good way though!
LM Montgomery is always good for comfort reading. I also reread a couple of cheesy Nora Roberts trilogies with terribly contrived 3rd act disagreements that eventually are overcome with marriage. And a very strange trilogy from the early 2000s that involves elves, caves under Wales, and time travel.
For comfort eating, definitely cake, string cheese, and Moroccan spiced chick peas with greek yogurt.
I live in NYC, so it is painful to admit this, but my comfort food is Domino’s pan pizza. Easy on the sauce, extra cheese, pepperoni. It’s gross but so comforting. Also this dump cake: http://www.bakerella.com/ridiculously-easy/ which you can and should eat for dessert AND breakfast.
PG Wodehouse is my usual comfort reading, but it’s almost too cold and dreary outside for Wodehouse, so I’d probably pick a story by Tolkien or George MacDonald.
Comfort reading : Mystery/detective novels. Agatha Christie, Henning Mankell, Harlan Coben, I’m not picky, I will read it all. I find it relaxing for some reason (?)
Comfort foods : grilled cheese sandwich, chips/french fries, ramen noodles. I also have emergency cookies in the freezer, because freshly baked cookies are 1000% more comforting.
Agatha Christie’s books are like my ultimate comfort reads; the cozier the mystery the better!
Comfort reading:
A Wrinkle In Time
The Eyre Affair
Outlander
Comfort foods:
Brownie batter
Nestle chocolate chip cookie dough (sold in tubes at the supermarket)
Bean & cheese burritos
Nachos supreme and a blended margarita at the corner joint
mm, anything ever diana wynne jones. also howl’s moving castle, the miyazaki movie, which takes about 70% of what’s great about the dwj book and adds some visual goodness. i have been feeling stressed this week and attempted to counteract it by buying a (possibly bootleg??) studio ghibli box set on ebay. no regrets. also um, salt and vinegar chips? we all have our particular vices.
Any of Tamora Pierce’s Tortall books with a diet coke and a big bag of flaming hot chips always makes me feel better! Cake is an excellent choice too!
ALANNA FOREVAHHH
Some of my “comfort authors” are: Georgette Heyer, Angela Thirkell, Susanna Kearsley, and Kate Morton.
Lately, my favorite comfort book would have to be The Lost Art of Keeping Secrets by Eva Rice. It’s a coming of age story set in 1950’s London and is filled with lovable characters, glamorous society parties, Dior dresses, and a crumbling country estate.
It’s utterly, utterly charming and I wish more people knew about it:
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/259912.The_Lo…
I (Cassandra) have a shelf full of Angela Thirkell for comfort reading purposes, so I will certainly go look for the Eva Rice book.
I was about to suggest Thirkell. She’s such a wonderful blend of food and banal chitchat and eccentricity and enraging class privilege.
I read them all in order when I was pregnant with our daughter, which was fascinating; early on they are all truly charming and satiric and playful and lovely and then WW2 happens and they are bleak and all about the weather and then post WW2 suddenly they are full of “If only all the lower class people would just conveniently die so we could shop on the High Street without it being crowded!” and “Let me tell you how awful central heating is compared to having human beings wait on you hand and foot!” But I love them all, despite feeling that if I had ever met Thirkell I would have wanted to push her off a cliff.
She does have unapologetic lesbians, though. And _O These Men These Men_ is a very Toast book in some ways.
Do you know Miss Read? She is akin to Thirkell but a generation younger, and from a different social class, so many of the things Thirkell would mock (like travelling carnivals) she appreciates.
I haven’t yet read any of her WWII or post-WWII novels. I believe Virago is releasing several of them later this year so I will have to check them out!
I’ve been meaning to try Miss Read. Is there a good place to start?
I hope you will post on the OT what you think, because they are really, really something.
Miss Read has two series, as I recall, and the one I liked more started with Thrush Green — daily village life with a sympathetic eye towards people who really worked for their living, nothing much happens except characters get new cats, or someone figures out how to afford a new roof, and so forth. There are I think 5 of them, written over about 30 years, and the setting does not change as much as the world changed in that time, but some.
LMM + cake sounds perfect.
(LM Montgomery *or* Lin-Manual Miranda and cake both work, now that I think of it. But hard to combine them. I can’t listen to music with vital lyrics and read at the same time.)
Have you read Randall Jarrell’s The Animal Family?
What about the minor Alcott titles (I like Jack and Jill)?
Books: Good Omens or any of the sillier Terry Pratchett.
Comfort food: Trader Joe’s original flavor hummus and crackers.
Sending hugs and happy comforting thoughts your way! I was having a similar awful time recently – partner out of town for three weeks, in housing limbo, job struggles, luckily no snow but endless rain (and I bike commute). Hope it gets better for you soon. As requested:
Comfort reading: Gerald Durrell (especially My Family and Other Animals) and Jeeves and Wooster (the TV series with Hugh Laurie and Stephen Fry is excellent also).
Comfort food: mac and cheese with the crispy breadcrumbs on top, beef and barley stew, spaghetti and meatballs, thai tom yum soup, warm brownies, chocolate chip cookie dough made with browned butter, jellybeans.
Bonus comfort TV: Parks and Rec, the aforementioned Jeeves and Wooster series, any and all Jane Austen adaptations, My Neighbor Totoro, Nora Ephron movies, Shakespeare in Love.
Seconding Durrell! Love him so much, although the later books are definitely problematic/racist in their depictions of Africans and South Americans
There’s a new ITV adaptation of the book(s) that is airing now. It’s just called The Durrells.
Gerald Durrell’s accounts of his youth on Corfu, starting with My Family and Other Animals.
Comfort foods-wise, when my husband isn’t home I make the stuff I like that he doesn’t:
Armenian-ish stew: sauté an onion, add a bunch of torn kale, add a can of chickpeas and a big can of whole tomatoes roughly chopped with juice once the kale is wilted. Simmer for a while until the tomatoes don’t taste raw/tinny anymore. Add some salt and pepper early in the simmer. Squeeze in a lemon at the end. Good by itself, over brown rice, and very very good with feta or an egg on top (as are most things). Tasty and veggie packed enough to provide a good base for large amounts of cake.
Weird spaghetti my college friend used to make: sauté an onion. Add a jar of sauce. Add a can of drained tuna. Add some capers and black pepper. Make your choice of pasta. I like a high ratio of sauce to pasta.
Sweets: trader joes peanut butter pretzels dipped in Nutella
hugs for worst week solidarity.
So many of my go-to books have been mentioned, so let’s see: Howl’s Moving Castle, the Dealing with Dragons books, Castle Waiting, The Bean Trees or Prodigal Summer (Barbara Kingsolver) all the Edward Eager books, the Anastasia Krupnik books and also Taking Care of Terrific, which is both comforting and sad, Vivian Vande Velde fairy tale spoofs (The Rumplestiltskin Problem, Cloaked in Red), Connie Willis in general, Tennyson’s Gift by Lynne Truss (the eats, shoots, and leaves Lynne Truss–a hysterical, slightly manic novel of Victorian eccentrics.)
I’m still inhaling my half-price Easter Candy, mostly. And bread that makes lovely, crisp buttery toast.
I got a text from my housemate this morning saying that little Mordred, Maudie, died this morning. My housemate is a vet nurse and has been hand-rearing Maudie and her brother Murdock, for the last three weeks after they were found in a bin at about a week old (no one really knows, they still had their umbilicals attached and eyes closed.). Murdock was put to sleep last week, he had a bad hernia and cut on his back leg that got infected.
As a kid we often had kittens that were found in the garden, none of them lived past a few weeks, so I knew it was a long shot that these two would survive, but if Maude had pulled through I was seriously thinking of keeping her.
And so in related news, I really want a cat. I really shouldn’t get a cat, but I really want one. Talk me out of it Toast! (Or in to it…)
Oh no, the poor wee kittens. 🙁
oh no, how sad about that little sweetie! Maudie, you shoulda had a long, awesome, cat life.
I won’t talk you into or out of getting a cat without knowing your reasons that you “shouldn’t”…but also, if your housemate works with animals, I bet this won’t be the last one that wanders into your life…
I only let the housemate move in with us because she occasionally brings kittens home! But she is changing jobs now and won’t be working with animals anymore 🙁
Reasons I should not have a cat:
-I’m a broke ass millennial who will definitely be moving country again in the next few years
-I have a dog back home with my mum, who is very nearly dead and hates cats, so getting a cat would be a bit of a betrayal to him
-Vet fees are fucking expensive.
-Cat will definitely be an asshole, my horse and dog are both raging, loveable, assholes who embody cats in different species.
-There’s probably more reasons but I can’t think of them right now.
Reasons I want a cat:
-I’m an animal person who has no animals!
-We do have a cat that lives in the house, belonging to my housemate, but she hates everyone and is scared of people who aren’t her owner
-I WANT CUDDLES.
-I really want to adopt the grumpiest oldest cat I can find and give him all the love.
-Cats are better at being left at home (we have a catflap and a safe road) than dogs.
Is fostering an option at all?
Would fostering be an option? Still $$ but you do get snuggles and it’s less of a betrayal to your dog, as a foster isn’t permanent (in theory.)
I haven’t looked into it too much, but I imagine that my lack of cat owning experience and full time job will work against me in that area; there’s an abundance of cat fosterers in my city and the rescues can be really picky!
I wouldn’t count yourself out yet! I had never owned a cat when I applied and was also working full-time, and I was approved almost immediately and offered a foster kitty within a week. (I ultimately ended up declining having coincidentally taken in a different half-starved trash cat only hours earlier, but the point is that shelters are often looking for all types!)
yeah, these are pretty much all the reasons I fostered kitties. Well, a kitty, because no one ever inquired about adopting her and then I got more stable and had more money and adopted her myself.
Same here! Insisted for months that she was staying only temporarily, only to eventually realize that, yup, now she’s mine.
Moving country foreseeable soon and not having a good cat backup plan=excellent responsible reason not to get a cat. Get friends who have cats and spend time at their houses.
Yeah that’s my biggie; I’m fairly confident I could find a new home for a kitty if I did need to move (either in in London or with family in Ireland if they’re good with kids), but I feel like if I’m gonna get a cat then I should be willing to make a commitment for a few years at least and I don’t know if I can do that 🙁
Oh sweet kittens =( at least they knew that someone loved and cared for them.
Cats are wonderful, I highly recommend them. I am also prone to making bad cat-related choices and that’s why I went from 1 to 3 in less than 6 months.
Ohhh, I’m so sorry. I’m glad that both kittens could spend their few weeks of life in a safe environment and people who loved and cared for them.
Sending love to you and your housemate
Oh I’m so sorry about Maudie and Murdock! I volunteer at a cat refuge, and right now it’s kitten season and they’re desperately seeking fosters to take care of the moms and tiny kittens until they’re 10 or 12 weeks old and can come back to the refuge and meet visitors and adopters. Maybe you could find a situation like that? Then you would have a temporary cat and also fun kittens and also have the expenses and vetting paid for, and you’d be helping everyone.
I’ll mention that to my housemate and see if she knows anyone with mummies and babies! I don’t know if our house it really set up for kittens, but we can see!
The kittens are teeny tiny newborns, so it’s not like they’d be wild and crazy running around everywhere. At my refuge, they’re just being kept in big cages for now, which isn’t ideal. (The other cats are free roaming, but they want to keep the moms and babies contained for safety and monitoring and quiet.) Even one bedroom would be an improvement. You can ask animal shelters nearby!
There also might be old grumpy cats who need fostering too! Those are often the hardest to get people to adopt, so you could give them love and then take them to events and tell people how wonderful they are.
Just checking our local shelter, you need a spare room for mum and babies to live it, but I’m gonna look at older cat fostering!
Unfortunately in London shelters are over run with volunteers, so many people are in the same position as me where they can keep pets but want to spend time with animals. Most shelters require you to apply to be a volunteer and have a waiting list! (I looked into it last year because I wanted to do some dog walking, I’m good with big wild dogs, but no body needed me!!)
That’s amazing that there are so many volunteers! Well that’s a good problem to have. Maybe they should make something like pet memberships where everyone comes in and shares pet time, and the organization maintains their health and welfare, like at a gym.
But good luck older cat fostering! That would be great. I wish you were here near my cat refuge! We’d hook you up with a steady stream of fosters.
Yeah it’s obviously a great problem to have! And there are pet share website and things now springing up but I haven’t brought myself to join on yet!
Also sometimes people who are traveling or have a health crisis or whatever will post on Craigslist etc. looking for a temporary foster for their pets, at least where I live in the USA.
Or you could also just volunteer at an animal shelter and spend time loving all the animals!
volunteer at a local cat sanctuary, maybe? the org i work with has a space dedicated to hard-to-adopt cats and volunteers come to hold them and brush them and love them–i think it’s perfect for a person who maybe can’t have a cat but needs cat time.
Turns out a lot of people in London have the same idea and most shelters have waiting lists for volunteers!
Eventually it will get old / sick and you will spend thousands of dollars on its care, only to be rewarded by constant showers of diarrhea all over your life.
Though they are quite snuggly some of the time.
🙁 Poor sweet kitties. I am glad they got to meet you and your housemate and had some experience of people being good and gentle to them.
Oh my gosh what an amazing kitten. I recently rescued three feral kittens that were about five weeks old. After a week with constant love and food and toys, their natural instincts took over and they escaped to return to their mother (a feral who lives in a wooded lot next door). Not the same kind of pain as your baby not making it, but, oh, how I thought I could tame them! Animals improve our lives so much. Sounds like you’re ready for your own 🙂
Aww! Maybe they’ll come back to you! If they’re just next door, they might become regular visiting neighbors. I managed to tame two neighboring feral kittens out of a litter of three, but it took months of patience. (And I think the third and the mother became regular visitors at a neighbor’s house, and we managed to get all of them spayed and neutered, hooray!)
Don’t get any pet unless you are able to afford to take care of it (and not just basic needs like food and etc but afford shelling out a lot of money if they get sick/have some health issues and yearly check ups with a vet). My best friend is a tech and the people she loathes the most are pet owners who LOVE their pets but are irresponsible in that they are not prepared to take care of them WHEN (not if) their pet gets sick.
If you do get a pet, for the love of god get pet insurance.
I SCREAMED AT A CREEP WHO MADE A PASS AT ME AND HAS BEEN INCREASINGLY INAPPROPRIATE IN PUBLIC SPACES YESTERDAY AND THE LOOK OF FEAR AND SHOCK IN HIS FACE IS SOMETHING I WILL CARRY WITH ME FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
#BANALLMEN
I read this as ‘banal men’ to begin which which, yeah.
I read it as “banana anal men.”
*raises 70,000,234 glasses of champagne in your honor*
DAAAAAAAAAAMN that’s awesome! Congratulations!
Fire them into the sun.
HERO
THE BEST PART? I WAS AT WORK AND NOT ONLY WAS I PAID TO DO SO, MY BOSS ENCOURAGED IT.
I am so proud of you. Well done!
The other day I was on the riverfront during my lunch break, and as I was turning to walk back to work, some asshole yelled at me that “frowning is why it rains.” I wanted to reply that if that were true, my frown would be able to call down a bolt of lightning to strike him where he stood. I didn’t feel like engaging, though, so I just walked away. Then he literally yelled “bah humbug” after me, which really elevated the experience from the irritating to the absurd.
Next time I’m just going to channel you and unleash a furious shriek.
Ooh I love your lightning comment! Now I want someone to say that frowning thing to me so I can use it on them.
Definitely do the Banshee Lightning Shriek next time!
I like rain and live in a drought prone area, so good to know that sticking with my bitchy resting face is doing important work. 🙁 (but meant in a happy way)
Yes! Once a dude put his hand up my skirt while behind me on an escalator and I pushed him backwards down it. Then I ran and ducked into a building because I was afraid I would be arrested/attacked. But I think it was sort of the best thing I ever did.
What. The. Actual. Fuck.
*incoherent rage*
Nice response tho! Kick ass.
I can’t even handle how epic that is. SO. FUCKING. BOSS.
DIVINE
Hero.
my spirit has ascended to a higher realm reading this
In eighth grade one of the boys slung his arm around me and tried to cop a feel. I turned around and punched him in the face hard enough he fell down. I was terrified that I’d get into trouble, but strangely enough, he never told on me. The boys left me alone after that.
Go you!!!!!
ATTAPERSON!
Go you! I wish, just once in my life, I can do that successfully. Last time I tried, when I yelled at the creepy guy who always stands outside the supermarket doors, it kinda made me feel better but had no effect on him whatsoever.
So proud of you! That was a public service.
I have a sort of on topic story! About a year I had to go to the M&M store in Times Square, which is a torture zone in its own right. The product I needed was on the second floor, so I was on the escalator, when I feel a hand on my elbow. Now, when you’re on an escalator, it is permissible to rest your arm on the rail… what is NOT permissible is to extend your arm so far up the rail that you are actively touching the person in front of you. I turn around, glare, and pointed move my arm. A few seconds later, he is touching me AGAIN. Now, I’m already in Times Square and inside a tourist trap, and I have had. enough. So I turn around again and actually slap him on the hand and snarl “stoppit” in my most tourist-eating voice.
Of course, the second I turned around, I heard him telling his child how RUDE and AWFUL it was for the cranky lady to hit him for no reason, and I was so shocked that he was blaming me for the whole thing that I was rendered speechless. So no one learned anything. And it wasn’t sexual touching. But I got to smack a rude person!
well done.
Thanks everyone for the great book recs and travel tips in yesterday’s thread!
Let’s have a Little Things thread: what are the Little Things getting you through April so far? Here are mine:
1) I ordered a Sephora Favorites lip kit, and have been enjoying trying new lipsticks that are better quality than my usual drugstore purchases. Plus the free samples are fun!
2) On Saturday, I’m driving down to Providence, RI, which is probably my favorite city.
3) I made tacos last night and they were great. Spinach, cheddar, some chipotle salsa, and this filling, but made with carrots instead of sweet potatoes.
The Sephora Favorite kits will be my downfall. Do I need more lipstick, no, but so many brands I wouldn’t try myself, and colors.
Providence is such a great little place. I always get so angry driving through it because I ALWAYS get stuck in a standstill right as I have to pee, but down in the actual city it’s just so charming.
Yay good little things!
1) Korean skin products. I finally caved and ordered a ton of stuff from Soko Glam, thanks to Nicole’s recs, and they’re life changing. The sheet masks are so soothing after a blah day, and I can’t remember the last time my skin has felt this nice. Also, as squicked out as I was initially by the snail goop, it is also amazing. I’m officially a convert.
2) Good books! I don’t know if there are any Jaclyn Moriarty fans on the Toast, but I’ve been obsessed with her Colours of Madeleine trilogy, and stayed up devouring A Tangle of Gold the other night. (completely worth being exhausted the next morning).
3) Discovering more great musicals soundtracks, including Natasha, Pierre, and the Great Comet of 1812, which I’m now obsessed with.
4) I bought tickets to see the musical Anastasia in Hartford in May, which I’m also super excited about.
5) Going on a trip across the pond (London!!!) on Tuesday, for a week, and getting to see a friend I haven’t seen in almost two years. (we’re also going up to Haworth, which I’m more than a little excited about).
OMG, I didn’t know that the third Colors of Madeleine book had come out! Eeeeee!! I shall buy it immediately.
IT’S SO GOOD. And available in print and for Kindle!
I have been totally won over by snail gel as well. Never thought I’d see the day, but here we are.
The Great Comet! Yes! So great.
My latest musical love is “Sun Is Gonna Shine” from Bright Star. Cast album won’t be out until the end of the month, but it’s posted here and I downloaded Sound Cloud to my phone just so I could play it in my car. Such a catchy little earworm. http://brightstarmusical.com/album.php
Ooh thank you! There are just so many good shows out on Broadway right now. <3
IT’S A COMPLICATED RUSSIAN NOVEL, EVERYONE’S GOT NINE DIFFERENT NAMES!
Gosh, I love that show, and I’m so happy people are hearing about it. I got to see it at the American Repertory Theater in Cambridge (twice, because I played hooky from work to see it a second time) and I’m so ready to buy tickets when it opens on Broadway.
AND ANASTASIA!!! Please tell us all how it is, I am very interested in this.
When I first heard the “complicated Russian novel” line I burst out laughing. So great. I’m now kicking myself for missing it at ART, and I’m definitely going to try and see it on Broadway.
I will definitely report on Anastasia! It’s supposed to be darker than the movie, and I’m excited.
1. My former roommate, current friend is having party tonight, and I’m going to bring this: http://smittenkitchen.com/blog/2015/12/feta-tapen…
2. My current roommate just finished her thesis! Exciting times.
I’ve made that twice and it was a hit!!! I hope you are making this dip too. Ahhh it is one of my most favorite things to eat.
Hell yes I’m making the dip! It’s just two kinds of cheese with olive oil and lemon juice! Deb knows what’s good.
Whaaaa, oh my gosh I am MAKING THAT this weekend!!
Little favorite things:
1. I had lunch with my Mom today
2. I’m seeing “the last five years” tonight at my local community theatre
3. I got to work early today and I don’t feel as haphazard as a result.
I love Sephora Favorites lip kit. I have too many lipsticks but it’s just so satisfying.
Getting in early to work on a Friday is a weirdly good feeling. Like, yeah, finishing the week strong, and not in a whimpering pile!
The Last Five Years is one of my favorite musicals! Let us know how the production is 🙂
Are you getting any food while you’re in Providence? I have been loving The Grange lately, which is a vegetarian restaurant with phenomenal food (I am not a vegetarian, and I still eat there like once a month.)
I am 100% getting food in Providence. I know the event I’m going to will have Nice Slice for lunch, so that’s ticking one box, and then we’ll decide where we go for dinner once we’re there. Abyssinia would be the shoo-in but apparently it closed?? 🙁
Yeah, it’s closed. 🙁
Aside from The Grange, my usual favorites are Julian’s, Kabob and Curry (and K+C’s sister restaurant Rasoi in Pawtucket), and The Red Fez.
Little things:
1. My MA essay (lil thesis) won an award from my program. I have been working since I graduated and have been bummed about not being in school this whole time, so this was a nice little treat and a good kick in the butt to start getting serious about applying to PhDs in the fall (okay maybe this is a big thing?)
2. Turning 25 tomorrow — planning on eating lots of pizza and drinking lots of wine.
3. one of my bffs from college is moving to my city for the summer!
happy birthday!
1. The Rogue One trailer!
2. Concerts – I saw Sean Watkins the other day, and I’m seeing Erin McKeown next week and Abigail Washburn the week after. 😀
3. Andrew Bird’s new album is great and full of catchy songs.
Aside from those things, this month has been No Fun. It should get less stressful in a few days….
Andrew Bird is touring the new album – I got tickets. I’m excited!
My little thing would be the awesomely masculine haircut I got last weekend, complete with a hard part. As my partner puts it, “you look like a hot guy” which yesssss.
Also Harvest Moon games on my 3DS. They’re so simple and soothing and I can fish one handed, without even looking at the screen much, while watching The Path on Hulu.
Are you enjoying The Path? I like it SO MUCH and all of the reviews I’ve read are pretty lukewarm. I think I’m just… into media about cults.
I just started The Path last night! I am So Into It, but my husband is just lukewarm, which I hope means that I can continue to watch it at my own pace (AKA watch all available episodes this weekend – whyyyy can’t it all be available at once).
I am actually really enjoying it, and I wonder how much of that is due to my family belonging to a very culty independent Baptist church for a couple years. Some of the behaviors are very “yes, I knew people like that.” and the spiritual abuse is so *familiar*.
The extremes of the wife’s personality are fascinating to me, and I am dying to know if she’s “transgressed” physically with Cal or just emotionally. Because come on, you can totally have mixed gender friendships but that is not what’s going on with her and Cal.
I can’t tell if they deliberately cast Hawk to look way more like Cal than Eddie or if it’s just another case of “casting directors don’t understand genetics”.
I hadn’t even picked up on how much Hawk looks like Cal. I’m also fairly faceblind so that’s not unusual. I now officially hope it was on purpose, because wouldn’t that bit of hypocrisy just tear everything apart?
Apparently I want horrible things to happen to fictional characters, unless they’re named Mirandafrank. Who is never just Miranda, nope; always Mirandafrank all one word.
Little things!
I had some very tasty enchiladas the other day.
I also had to get a tooth filled, and it was…fine?! Like, dentist stuff has really come a long way in the last several years, and it sucks a lot less than it used to.
1) Lilies. They are cheap, last a week minimum, and make my apartment smell good. (Daffodils and hyacinth, also)
2) I’ve been on a serious hunt for a go-to lip color and after many Sephora purchases/returns, found the perfect thing for $6 at CVS (Kate Moss for Rimmel #107, best applied with a finger)
3) Without even trying to I’ve only read books by women in 2016 so far. (I’m going to ruin it when I buy Hollywood Babylon for the beach this summer, blame Nicole)
Yessss to your #3! For the past couple years I’ve intentionally only read fiction by women (occasionally I will read something by a male author I’ve read before/trust or a new release by a male author of color but I’d say a solid 90% of fiction and 80% of books I read overall are by women) – have you noticed a difference in your experience? I feel like I’m not really missing out and truly love not having to come across random objectification of female characters in otherwise perfectly fine stories.
So this year I’ve actually changed my reading experience in a bunch of ways — in addition to having all been by women, they’ve also all been memoirs, which is a departure for me — I’m generally very much a fiction reader with the occasional 60s/70s rock memoir or true crime thrown in. It started by accident and then when the first one made me want to start keeping a diary again, I kept going — and keeping a diary means that my brain is engaging with what I’m reading in a more active way than when I’m reading a novel for pure pleasure. I’m thinking a lot about honesty, ego, audience, and performance, which is admittedly inherently gendered.
Having been through an MFA program and worked in publishing, I think there are a lot of good and important reasons to read closely and champion writing by people who are not white men, and I benefited from a high school reading list that featured a lot of women and people of color (as I remembered the other day while reading that nonsense about VA trying to require permission slips for Beloved in AP English)…. but at the same time I recently had a full on panic attack thinking I had somehow lost the copy of Infinite Jest I’ve been annotating for 15 years (nope, lent it to Dad when he wanted to go see The End of the Tour). I’ll never be able to give up dudes entirely, sigh.
That’s really interesting! I like memoirs a lot as well, but I’ve never thought them it in quite that way. I sometimes get that urge to start documenting more so it’s really cool to know there’s someone who actually sticks with that desire! What are some of your favorites from this year? (Oh, and speaking of 60s/70s rock memoirs + memoirs by women, I assume you must have read I’m With the Band by Pamela Des Barres but that sprung to mind immediately when reading that sentence. I read it a long time ago and loved it but I’m pretty sure there were tons of…problematic stuff, to say the least, that would stand out if I read it today, so don’t take that as a 100% endorsement).
And I feel you – a good portion of my Favorites of All Time shelf is definitely comprised of men, but I have definitely enjoyed the break from wading through the swamp of not-so-subtle sexism and just generally tired plots in order to get to the gems (the gems in this absolutely horrible metaphor being male-authored books I really love). Speaking of the Virginia situation, I just realized my high school required reading list was pretty much all white dudes and my outside reading was a lot of the same with the addition of white ladies so I may be making up for lost time.
I kept a diary for 10 years when I was younger but it has been a long time. When I was younger, I was basically telling stories about myself, but now it helps me a lot in managing and expressing and trusting my feelings effectively, especially my relationship with my ego. A lot of it is me calling myself out without being a jerk about it.
Totally read I’m With the Band last summer, LOVED it. It’s probably not as problematic as you’re imagining in hindsight, but Pamela does view things with some aggressively rose-tinted glasses that just, like, don’t allow for any dark shadows… then again, all of that was LA pre-Manson murders and by all accounts that WAS a very innocent time, so who knows. (Benefit of the doubt, PdB!)
Highlights so far are Eve’s Hollywood by Eve Babitz, The Folded Clock by Heidi Julavits, and Prostitute Laundry by Charlotte Shane (scampers off to make a more ethnically diverse to-read list — recommendations?).
High school was pretty solid though! I mean we read Shakespeare and Salinger and Fitzgerald and even Cormac McCarthy and John Irving, BUT also The Bell Jar, The Bean Trees, House on Mango Street, Beloved, Tracks, Yellow Raft in Blue Water (I wonder if they still teach that), Their Eyes Were Watching God, Native Son, Frederick Douglass, and tons of other stuff.
That’s probably one of the best uses for an adultdiary, I think. I keptone sporadically throughout high school/college but looking through it now I’m essentially just complaining about different boys, which okay, I had a point but also is kind of disappointing for being the only window into my thoughts at that time! I really like the idea of it being a tool of self-reflection rather than a simple account of events.
Aw, good!Rose-tinted glasses is definitely a good descriptor, and I’m gladto hear that! I just remember really digging her and her attitude and I love classic rock but lament the dearth of women’s voicesso it was a good match for me, book-wise. I haven’t read any of the other ones you mentioned and am putting them on my to-read list as we type! Also, this made me realize that one of my genres is severely lacking in worksfrom people who aren’t white women – Issa Rae’s book (The Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl, which is very fun but more a collection of humorous essays than a truememoir, I think) and of course I Know Why the Caged Bird Singsarethe only ones who don’t fit that bill by my count. As for more white ladies, I loved Susan Jane Gilman’s Hypocrite In A Pouffy White Dress when I was in high school and anything Mary Karr does is solid. This Common Secret: My Journey as an Abortion Doctor by Susan Wicklund was a really interesting personal look into, well, what the title says. I’m not sure if H is for Hawk by Helen Macdonald counts, and if it does you’ve probably already read it, but I along with everyone else recommend that.
Your high school reading list sounds so great! The ones I’ve read from your non-classic-white-dude list I’ve only gotten toin the past couple of years, so your school district was doing great work.
I’ve mostly been reading books by women and/or POC for the last year (except for book group books, which other people play a role in picking) and I’ve become much more aware of random objectification in books by men now. I was reading a book I otherwise really liked a lot a while back that was so bad on that point and at some point hit a page where the narrator does that thing some men (and women) do where he puts women into two categories: those for fucking and those for marrying/considering seriously and I wrote NOPE! to the side of the paragraph and put it away. It just so clearly lets you know how much this book is not for you.
Ugh, I hate that experience in an otherwise perfectly serviceable story but I do love the weird feeling of control thatactually writing your disagreement provides. I slipped up in 2014 and read Mr. Penumbra’s 24-Hour Bookstore because of the favorable reviews – now I look at author photos/pronouns before I start because guess what, Robin is traditionally a name for anygenderand was in this case the name of a man who I’m sure is a perfectly decent humanbut spenta little too much timedescribing the physics of breasts in movement for my tastes (I had to stop as soon as I got to that part in the book and look him upbecause I KNEW a woman couldn’t be behind that).
Ha. It did feel good! I think the putting it away in frustration would not be nearly as satisfying without writing my thoughts in the pages first.
Law school text books have taught methis lesson very well.
(Also, sorry for the weird formatting! I’m sort of new to the system and replying through email and I just saw that a lot of mywords seem to berunning together.)
1) I just got back from travelling, and I got to see my lil’ furry bastard (cat). He purred up a storm, and I gave him some wet food as a treat. Looking at this little content creature in my home, I can actually feel my blood pressure lowering.
2) I finally gave into my morbid curiosity (and foot shame) and ordered that “Baby Foot” exfoliation kit. I think I will relish peeling dead skin off of my feet a little too much.
3) Mango season has started in Delhi!
4) This is not a little thing, but I am going back to the U.S. to visit friends and family in less than 9 days!! I am so excited. I usually stock up on some of my favorite U.S. little luxuries, and was thinking of buying myself some very fancy rose-based perfume samples. Novelty + not breaking my wallet (my wallet, unfortunately, contains rupees).
5) I am going to try to blog more consistently, and I enjoy thinking about my next post (not so much writing and editing it). I am in the “thinking” phase now…
It snowed this week, so I’m going to content myself by dreaming of a place where “mango season” exists.
It’s fun that planning blog posts is enjoyable! If you feel comfortable, you should link your blog here
Thanks! With your gentle encouragement, I am tentatively toeing my blog out here. Not sure it’s ready for the prime time of the Toast… http://slowconvictions.blogspot.com
Little happy things!
1) Homemade pizza for dinner tonight
2) I forced myself to go for a run this morning and watched the sun rise over Lake Michigan (probably my favorite thing about living in Chicago).
3) I have to take a certification exam for work tomorrow morning at 8AM, which is not great, but I have plans for lunch at a brewery after the exam, which means day drinking + lazy afternoon naps.
My “Ted Cruz was the Zodiac Killer” shirt came in the mail and I wore it to stop by the dispensary and go to the farmer’s market and I really felt like I was living my best life. Also, a person I really admire told me that my resume was impressive. Things are not hopeless!
1) I’m slowly getting back into my long neglected running routine! I ran almost three miles on Wednesday, and it was a slow run, but dammit I ran it and it felt good.
2) I have tickets to see a play tomorrow night, and some of my good friends are in it!
3) I’m going camping for an entire week at the end of the month!
4) Last night I had to stop at a convenience store to get cash from an ATM, and then of course I needed to break a 20 so I had to buy a pack of gum, and I shamelessly danced some Charleston to Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It) while waiting in line.
It’s been a shitty week at work, but speaking of Sephora, maybe treating myself to something fancy will make it all worthwhile.
The new Underworld album. When Nylon Slung comes on I can feel the tension going out of my muscles and a smile floating across my face.
Little good things:
1. The baby let me sleep a decent amount last night.
2. It is dreary and rainy in LA for once (and I love it).
3. My mom just visited so our fridge is stocked with delicious food.
4. I have coffee next to me and the open thread to read.
5. And old friend is visiting this weekend and bringing fancy booze from her family’s distillery.
6. I ordered a new wallet finally, to replace the tattered one in my purse.
7. I reordered my favorite fragrance, Jo Malone Nectarine Blossom and Honey.
Happy Friday, y’all.
1) Being sick is awful BUT I am lying in bed next to our 6-year-old daughter who is watching videos on her iPad with headphones on so I can sit here typing to you all without having to overhear cartoon voices, and she has a huge pile of books to read when she gets bored of the videos, and it is amazing that being home sick with her is no longer a huge hassle but actually pleasant together time.
2) Our NEW CAT (new as of January) has gone from a shy skittish slinky guy to an aggressively affectionate lapmonster, and is even now lying on the bed with me & our daughter, taking a bath.
3) I went to Daiso and got a cardboard box decorated with elephants to put stickers in for penpalling purposes. Also my body weight in stationary –well, not quite that bad, but I think it counted as a ‘spree’.
4) The sky is gray and overcast and it is supposed to rain a lot this week which is all to the good since California, drought, etc.
Starting to plan a friend’s trip to visit me in August!
I love getting packages. Absolutely love it. And I have so many to look forward to, or that I recently got:
1. Hamilton vocal selections book from The Drama Book Shop
2. New glasses from Warby Parker!
3. Lazarus Vol. 4 trade paperback (comic series from Image) and Kindred by Octavia Butler from amazon
4. Sephora sale purchases, including the Urban Decay Gwen Stefani palette I’ve been eyeing
5. #Hamiltome! On Tuesday! (LMM has been tweeting a few annotation excerpts. I am beyond excited.)
In general the flowers and warmer weather, even though that means allergies, even though it’s now freezing cold this weekend. Still more spring than not!
Wow. I have both glasses from Warby Parker (sunglasses, specifically) and Kindred from amazon on the way as well. Coincidence!
Little things
1) after I finished my thesis, I threw away the disgusting bedsheets that have been on my bed since winter break and put a brand new set on there.
2) I have been taking a picture of myself every day, which is good for my usually rotten self-esteem.
3) my little cousin is coming into the city to visit on Sunday, which is always such a good time! She’s a young teenager and her parents are pretty overprotective, so it’s great when they let her come visit and we can have fun, see some sights, and spend time together.
I love my yard. The house I bought a few months ago came with a little fake pond that has a fountain that runs, so I have the sound of running water all the time and it’s pretty. And I planted a pecan tree and am enjoying seeing that grown and am starting to dig my garden little by little (I want it to be BIG, so didn’t want to try and do it all in one day). I’m mostly a hermit, so having this nice outside space I love has been really meaningful. Maybe that’s a big thing, but I’ve been appreciating it more with the spring weather lately so it was the first thing that popped into mind.
Also I’ve been getting more dogsitting and doggie day care clients that are small and thus play with my dog and that makes me happy.
vintage kitten pajamas.
Okay actual comment: Toasts, do you have any tips for mentally/emotionally getting through home improvement projects? Like, my living space needs quite a few fixes (new paint and new flooring are the big ones), and just thinking about how I’m going to have to clean up everything, move all my furniture around, etc. etc. makes me stressed out and exhausted. How do you deal?
Put together some home improvement playlists or streaming music stations! Schedule at least twice as much time as you’ll think you need! Eat a big breakfast before getting to work! (Not too big, don’t want to fall asleep instead!)
WHEW. I have no tips, I am just wishing you luck, because I hate the idea of home improvement projects for this exact reasons — everything out of place, disorder as you finish up.
Good luck, God speed — is wine an option to help?
Wine is always an option.
Break down what has to be done into tiny, manageable steps, and rest between them.
what we do at my house is fuck everything up for a week.
If you take that method, and if it involves the kitchen, be sure to do a batch cooking prior to, because you will need food while your space is a wreck. Just clear a path to the microwave and you should be okay.
Fortunately there’s a downstairs apartment we can retreat to for eating/sleeping, if need be.
YMMV, but sometimes I like to put on nice clothes (not fancy or anything, just nice, business-casual clothes) for really gritty cleaning tasks. What you sow in dry cleaning bills you will reap in Motivation.
oh man, we did stuff like this last year and probably should have paid for regular massages or some kind of body work, because painter’s shoulder [which i have just made up] is a real thing.
i already subscribed to tons of podcasts, but hours of greg proops ranting about culture and baseball and feminism really helped the hours go by. we were working on an empty house though, so the overwhelm of prep wasn’t part of it.
however, we’re going into a project that requires prep. if you’re a list person, you might want to list out the steps of prep to help get a handle on it. i mainly did this in my head, but thinking about how i wanted to go through things first and pack them for long term efficiency [rather than short term omg gtfo] helped me formulate the steps. then you can allocate a rough timeline and kind of visualize the days ahead, what you expect of yourself, etc.
Beer!
Demarcate an area of the house that is Not To Be Mussed. (Like, the couch plus two feet in front of it.) Make sure you always have a place to fling yourself. And I like to work a room at a time so that at least one area of the house is complete and final and beautiful and reminds of what I’m striving towards (usually the bathroom, tbh, but a really clean and neat bathroom can work wonders on your psyche).
These are great tips, thank you.
Cosign. Beer and one unfucked room was all that got us through …years… of projects. Still ongoing. Sob.
I like to subscribe to the Unfuck Your Habitat method of doing 20 minutes work/10 minutes rest/repeat. For big projects I might do 45/15, but the idea is the same. Set a timer, work until it goes off, set another timer, chill hard, repeat.
I just installed vinyl tile flooring in our basement and repainted nearly the entire upstairs floor of our house, by myself, while my husband was out of town for two weeks. I tried to just work one project at a time, marathoning Avatar: the Last Airbender in the background while I worked.
You can do it! And if you’re doing vinyl floor tile, I would be happy to give you my rundown on Lessons Learned. Good luck!
Shit, vinyl floor is EXACTLY what I’mma be doing. Lay it on me!
Ok! Start by watching this video. This was my main reference, and it came out great! I don’t know if you’re doing peel and stick or not, but even if they are supposedly self-adhering, you probably want to put down your own glue for security.
1. Put your glue down before bedtime, and then start laying tile the next morning. You need to wait for your glue to dry out and turn clear, and once it does, you’ve got 8-12 hours of ideal stickiness to work. If you try putting it down in the morning, you’ll end up waiting most of the day for it to dry. And if you try to put down tile while the glue is too wet, they will slip around more, you’ll get more ooze between tiles, and any wet parts will take forever to finish drying once they have tile on top of them. Seriously. Weeks. You don’t want that.
2. More adhesive is not better! If your bucket of glue says it should cover 160-180 square feet, they are not joking! If you are covering significantly less than that, your glue is not spread thin enough. If it’s too thick, it won’t dry well or quickly enough, and will squish out between your tiles and you’ll track it all over the rest of your flooring and make a mess. Like I did.
3. Try not to step on the cracks between tiles while you work, because that will worsen any ooze that may happen. Although hopefully you will have less than I did, because you know better than I did!
4. Goo Gone is your friend for dealing with any adverse glue situations you may get yourself into.
Those are the big ones! It was a lot of work, but I did it in ~2 days by myself, and the results were well worth it. Also, don’t feel like you have to get everything done in one fell swoop. I did everything except the edges, took about a 24 hour break to sleep/go to work, and it was just fine.
You are awesome, thank you so much. We’re probably gonna do the interlocking panels instead of flat tiles, but this is still helpful.
Wow, you’re amazing! And that floor is beautiful.
In my case, my dad stayed with me for a few days during my sister’s wedding and ended up doing them all while I was at work. But that’s probably not very helpful…
Unless you’re willing to rent out your dad. He’d like my guest room. I’ll stock his beer/beverage of choice. Does he like small dogs?
Probably the best tip I can think of is: know your limits. Know how handy you are and how handy you are NOT, and stop before you cross that line. I can assemble furniture and hang photos just fine, but I have never once finished a painting project, and I have no idea how to find studs. Luckily, one of my friends is a handyman who knows lots of handymen, so I will be paying one of them to install important things.
Which leads me to my next tip: mentally assess each project and decide how mad it will make you if you DIY and somehow screw it up, and assign projects accordingly. For example, I bought a sweet wine rack that mounts on the wall, holds 6 bottles of wine, and has rungs underneath to hold 6 wine glasses. If I hang it myself and it falls, breaking 6 bottles of wine and 6 beautiful wine glasses, I will be unendingly furious with myself, so I will not be doing that one myself.
I pretend I’m on Trading Spaces. Like, I will talk out loud and pretend I’m a designer or something, or try to find reruns on TV to play in the background so that I can make uncouth comments about Ty Pennington.
I have a couple weeks off work and decided in a moment of optimism to repaint the outside of our house, so these tips are timely.
I’m about two days in at the moment – it’s at the point where everything is messy and the task ahead looks monumental, so I’m finding it helpful to just remember all the tasks I have managed to achieve already (choosing colours! buying paint! washed down a whole wall!)
Good luck!
Snow? It was 93 tiny superscript circle capital F here in Northern CA this week! Yikes. I am dealing with a lot of small complicating irritations that may beg big questions soon, but for now I’m trying to ignore them. Most of the GOOD things about this week, though, were ideas I found as a result of this space, so thank you for burrito bowls and Allie Brosh and the admission that Adulting is hard and sometimes small incremental rewards really help a body stay on track. I appreciate it all.
That 90+ degree day was soooome bullshit.
In Portland. It was like 85 yesterday. Supposed to be that hot again today. What the fuck is weather.
About 90% of what I worry about now is climate change. I am so close to vibrating with anxiety whenever someone talks about how ‘great’ this unseasonal weather is.
It’s very frightening–I looked at those dumplings and thought “What’s wrong with that ice cream, it’s wrinkly!” Thumbs up for good rainfall this year, but the overall unpredictability is deeply unsettling.
Updates:
My neuropsych testing appointment was canceled and verizon didn’t put the voicemail through so I took yesterday off as a mental health day (EDITED TO ADD: i was too witches to work) after a brief cry and finally watched Star Wars and read the KonMari method book. And the guy at starbucks messed up my order so I got a large Dirty Soy Chai Latte instead of a medium and that helped.
Self-study people were appropriately horrified by what we said. And then when they thought they were going to end on a high note, they asked “What will happen if you don’t get the budget increases you asked for?”
My co-worker who’s very shy and quiet responded with “Let’s be honest, none of us think we’re actually going to get any of the things we asked for.”
We all laughed and the self-study guys looked at us like we’d lost our goddamn minds and then asked us what we’d do when we continue to get more services piled on us. No one had a good answer and my answer of “Free Xanax in the breakroom” didn’t seem appropriate so I im’d it to a co-worker instead.
Anyway, thus ends my bad terrible no good two weeks. I also taught myself how to knit and there was a snowstorm on saturday so I didn’t run my half marathon because snowstorm.
dirty chais help with nearly everything!! my favorite is when they give you the medium but have an extra shot so they toss that in for free x-D
What’s a dirty chai?
[refusing to Google in place of conversation with a human]
chai latte with a shot of espresso!
This is something I will never consume.
IT’S SO GOOD
it seems so wrong because…tea and coffee? together? but starbucks chai is so removed from actual chai already that it’s just like amazing spicy sweet coffee. i’m not sure i would order it at a reputable chai purveyor.
it also costs a billion dollars.
I once said the same thing.
And then I tried it and it was like rainbows.
Maybe if you like coffee to begin with?
no that’s the beauty of the thing — it doesn’t really taste like coffee (though i do in fact like coffee), just like…a dirty chai. like, a little bit nastier and more potent. (i was trying to think of something to describe it, like, if tea is cumberbatch sherlock this is jonny lee miller tormented sherlock, but really “dirty chai” pretty much covers it.)
They’re SO DELICIOUS but also because of the sugar/caffeine combo I have an anxiety attack every time I drink one. Alas.
yes i try to save them for events of celebration or high stress. in all honesty i think that the way i drink dirty chais is most akin to characters in books giving heavily milk-and-sugared tea to people who are in shock. it’s a form of self-care. some days i’m just like “today, self, you need and deserve a dirty chai, and we’re going to get you one.”
Yes that’s a good way to look at it! Unfortunately my system can no longer tolerate them, maybe I’ll start having them with decaf espresso because they are so yummy (and a perfect way to celebrate because they are frivolous and like $6, but also readily accessible)
I’m waiting in line at the grocery store with a bunch of baking essentials because I bought an oven thermometer so I think I can get a rough idea of the temperature in my stupid oven now, which has no temperature markings and is literally just fire. Boxed mix brownies came out fine, so I’m hopeful real recipes will too.
Back in the hippie days, my mom used to impress traveling whomevers by make souffle in a wood-burning stove with no thermostat of any kind.
You can do it! Make some cake!
Damn! Badass mom!
Uggggghhhh Toasties so we got our taxes done yesterday and we use an actual fancy accountant for a variety of reasons, and he’s kinda pricey but has been great for the last couple of years. But this year – and I don’t know if it’s because we waited until a week before the tax deadline, or because we had a ton of extra complicated paperwork this year and were asking tons of questions while he was trying to work, or what – but this year was not good. We finished the appointment and were signing off on the paperwork at the front desk and were like wait – why aren’t there any forms for our city taxes, which we definitely owe? Why aren’t there any forms for my small business taxes? And the front desk staff is completely apologetic, has those done up for us real quick, it’s fine.
Except this morning, as we were about to mail out the payments for our state and city taxes, we realized that the pre-addressed envelope they’d given us for our state taxes was addressed to the actual IRS, and not the state dept. of revenue. So it’s good that we noticed, because I hear this rumor that being delinquent on your taxes is kind of a really bad thing.
I’m just fucking praying that they actually got all the numbers right, because that would just be the icing on the cake.
The one time — the ONE time — that we paid for an accountant, she screwed us over royally. We have the simplest taxes in the world (we own nothing and owe little), but we were gay married before Windsor and my then-job was a dickhead about reporting our health insurance benefits correctly, and we thought it might be good to have Not TurboTax do it one year? I called the LGBT community center (I live in a MAJOR METROPOLITAN AREA. Readers, I live in THE major metropolitan area) and asked for a recommendation and they referred me to a licensed tax attorney.
She made these mistakes:
1. Did not do ANYTHING about the health insurance mess, which was the whole reason we hired her
2. Put down that we gave a lot more to charity than we had, so that we could itemize our deductions (when asked, said “because you can claim this much without being asked to show receipts, so you can put this much with no problem”)
3. LIED ABOUT OUR SON’S AGE so that he would qualify us for a state tax credit. Which the state, you know, PROMPTLY NOTICED when they ran his SSN to confirm that he/we qualified.
NEVER AGAIN. I pass her office frequently and every time I am filled with a gross poop/rage feeling.
Oh my god. That accountant sounds like certain members of my family who just do not… understand the standard deduction. They twist themselves into knots to find things to deduct. They BUY EXTRA CARS to write off as business expenses. Madness.
Honestly, I don’t really understand it either. I just put all the numbers in TurboTax each year and let it tell me what to do. “Friends” who are more well off than we are tell us we are probably missing out on all the great extra deductions or magic that an accountant could do. . . but we basically have income and a house and a kid – it’s not magic.
After my experience I’m a bit worried what “magic” really means when it comes to taxes!
My grandfather used to work for the IRS and even after retiring, until his health began to fail, he would do my parents’ taxes for free every year. Seeing him sitting at our dining table with a pencil and a bunch of worksheets, wearing a total grandfather cardigan: so cozy! so sweet!
I mean at least they actually buy the cars, and not just, you know, lie about buying them.
Oh nooo! How awful. Neither I nor my husband are great with numbers so we’re way more comfortable having a pro do it, and this is the first time we’ve had a bad experience with this particular guy, which is why it’s so bizarre. :/
JFC. “Here, lie on your taxes”. What? No.
I’m sorry this happened. I’m in this profession and all the reasons you listed did contribute to the problem. And another one is that there just aren’t enough CPAs out there. There’s a huge bubble of Baby Boomer CPAs that are all retiring and the remaining ones are terribly overworked. It sounds like maybe they had some inexperienced people working on your return and the high level reviewers were just too damn tired at this point to catch it. If anyone likes numbers, go back to school, get an accounting degree and sit for the CPA exam, you’ll never lack for work. Unless Trump gets elected and does the thing to the tax code he says he wants to do.
I wish I were any good at numbers, or I’d sure as hell give accounting a try; I have the utmost respect and sympathy for CPAs at this time of year. What worries me is that we had the name partner (or whatever – the owner/senior accountant) doing our taxes, so it shouldn’t have been inexperience causing any issues. :/ Here’s hoping it was a fluke, because we really like him.
I should be doing homework but instead I’m watching beauty gurus on youtube with my friend’s dog. She’s already got better eyeliner than I, soon she will have mastered contouring. This is a good use of my time, clearly.
Had so much fun in Ithaca last night! Thanks to the Toast for a great evening and a great excuse to drive out and see my bestie!
I LOVE that the construction of this comment makes it sound like your friend’s dog has better eyeliner than you do. Unless… she does and I’m misreading! I don’t know what’s happening!!!
Oh she (the dog) does! She’s a Keeshound and they have some amazing winged liner.
Well in that case, perhaps she should also become a youtube beauty guru? People would love to know her secrets!!
I am still floating on the residual high of the Rogue One trailer.
My brain is pretty much one of the Key and Peele valets and I’m useless for any sort of work, thinking, or non flailing human interaction. I am at peace with this. Wake me up when it’s December.
I love how accurately the Key and Peele valet sketches embody the glee and love that fans have for their fandoms.
STAR WARS IS MY SHIIITTTTT
Those guys are imminently gif-able. This particular one sums up my feelings quite nicely. (hope I got the html right…)
Oh fuck it…
http://giphy.com/gifs/key-and-peele-ovCcgydFfX4be
That was my immediate reaction yesterday. Now I’ve moved from the screaming phase, on to the luxuriating in the awesome stage. (Pictured is the sexy walk that happens before you turn into an x-wing and begin making pew pew pew noises?)
Oh, agreed. On my first watch, I was rapt and filled with the purest, most beautiful light; on my second, I was scream-texting my closest Star Wars-loving friends; by my third, I was dreaming up cosplays for Rose City Comic Con, which isn’t until September. After work I’m going to meet my husband at the comic shop he works at, and I’m not gonna lie: knowing that I can go full valet with him and his assorted regulars over Rogue One when I get there is getting me through this day.
I envy you your nerds you can nerd in person with. The only one I have is twelve. But I did get to have this lovely text convo after I dropped the trailer on my middle/high school nerd friend that I went to see AotC with. (Somehow she managed to get to this point without knowing anything about the movie.)
L: WTF is happening? Tell me what is happening!
B: The Star Wars. The Star Wars are happening.
L: How could you not warn me of this, my heart can’t take this much star wars all at once
B: Get used to it. We live in an age of wonders. Today we are all Lego Batman. We deserve this.
!!!
I love this.
I find it disappointing that the Key & Peele valets never got a chance to freak out about Hamilton.
THE FINAL MUSICAL CUE. THE ONE THAT TAKES THE FORCE THEME AND THE IMPERIAL MARCH AND SMOOSHES THEM TOGETHER LIKE “NOW KISS”
I WANT TO MARRY THAT MUSICAL CUE
I would apologize for all-caps but it is objectively the most accurate way to convey my Rogue One feelings.
NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR ROGUE ONE FEELINGS AND RELATED CAPSLOCK
Hi Toastfriends!
No real updates on the Traffic Ticket from Hell situation. I got my complete driving record in the mail earlier this week and mailed both it and a check off to my attorney, who will hopefully get everything taken care of for me. It’s still over a month until the court date. I hate Virginia.
In happier news, I helped my sister sell at the Trenton Punk Rock Flea Market this past weekend, and we had a BLAST aside from the cold! We have another convention this weekend, Kogaracon out of Rutgers University, so if any of you are local and into buying some really cool artwork, stop by! It’s free!
I really hope everything works out from that ticket! Virginia does indeed reeeeally suck in that regard.
Full disclosure: I remember you posting about that right after it happened, because I’d said my brother had literally just gone through the same thing, and I went home and complained on your behalf to my dude, going, “And this poor person I haven’t even met just went through the same thing! And they don’t even live here! They’re in New Jersey!” (I remember this because my dude is a transplant from New Jersey to Virginia, so he has extra sympathy for anyone from the ancestral homeland who suffers through the terrible things that Virginia can pull on people.)
The World Inferno Friendship Society has a song called “My Ancestral Homeland, New Jersey,” so since then “the ancestral homeland” and “New Jersey” have become interchangeable for us, I think. The first line is “When I die, they’re gonna bury me in Jersey,” so I think it might be his personal anthem for that alone.
I kept my kid out of school today because they sent home a notice saying “Light It Up Blue!” with a puzzle piece, and asking kids to dress today in specific colors for Autism Awareness. I’m all for Autism *Acceptance*. LIUB and that puzzle icon are associated with the org Autism Speaks. People who are actually autistic consider their message pathologizing neurodiversity to be actively harmful.
I don’t want my kid used as a prop for anyone’s agenda. But not dressing him up for today and sending him to school would be making him a prop for my own. So spring break starts a day early for him.
I know they probably mean well, or think they do. But this is not okay. I am considering asking his teacher who was behind this idea and trying to figure out whether it’d be worthwhile for me to try to educate the educators on this. Do I even have the spoons for this?
UGH.
They probably genuinely don’t know.
My un-asked-for advice, is to wait until you DO have the spoons. The message would probably be better-received well in advance of NEXT year’s Autism “Awareness” season. You could figure out who is the best person to hear your message, and make an appointment, and go in calmly – with the benefit of a) more spoons and b) less stress because it’s not omg this is happening right now my kid should not be put in this position I must protect my family.
*hugs* anyway and happy early spring break!
Seconding this. You are definitely under no compulsion to talk to them about it, but if you decide to, the beginning of the next school year seems like a good time.
We kept our kid home from the lockdown drill this year in a similar-yet-different way.
This is excellent advice. Thank you. I am too sad and angry about it to approach logically right now, and whoever organized this whole school awareness celebration is probably feeling good about it right now. It’s not the right time for me to share this message, and it’s not the right time for them to hear it, either.
Our school lockdown drills are not announced. *bug-out-eye emoji*
Ugh, I do not think I could cope with that. At least at the elementary schools they tell us the week of so the parents won’t freak out if they try calling the office or whatever and nobody answers. Our school has a very strong volunteering culture though so there are parents in and out all the time.
You don’t have to do the emotional labor of educating your kid’s educators. You’ve done your part already, refusing to participate and keeping the kid home. Kudos. Sit back and feel good about your excellent parenting. Speak to the teachers only if/when you want to, if/when it coincides with extra spoons.
That’s such a tough spot to be in. It sucks when kids get caught in the middle of stuff like this, but I think you made a good decision here. Not sure how old your kiddo is, but can you discuss it with him? My parents were pretty political, and they started talking to me about the various ways their politics impacted our lives at a pretty early age. I know some people around them thought it wasn’t appropriate, but they felt that, if it was important enough to make a stand, they would need to tell me about it.
My mom and I have talked about how she balanced telling me about politics and not overwhelming me, and she’s admitted that she thinks she made a bunch of mistakes in the process – I learned about the murder of the nuns in El Salvador when my parents got into it with our priest one Sunday; I was 7 and maybe didn’t need to hear quite that many details, but I appreciate now that they didn’t let my presence mean that they would just sit quietly and listen to somebody say things they felt were morally wrong.
Thank you. He’s only 5, not really ready for understanding the issues involved here. We adults do discuss things like this sometimes where our kids can hear. We aim not to go too dark in their presence, though. It’s definitely a balance.
That sucks, I’m sorry. My guess is the teacher had a kind-but-misguided heart at work, and other than dismay that they screwed it up for you and your kid, they would be open to hearing ways they screwed it up and ways to do better.
But you using your brain and heart to teach them is above/beyond, so don’t do it if you aren’t up for it.
Uhg! My kids were ‘supposed’ to wear blue today, probably for the same thing. I think that they forgot. I have little to no regard for that organization, but just…UGH! Enough spoons, indeed.
I heard that some people wear red for Autism acceptance/awareness, specifically in contrast to Autism Speaks’ blue. Sending an article like that to the teacher might help educate her without using too many spoons?
They may genuinely not know.
I am Facebook friends with tons of folks who attend my church. One family has a daughter with autism who is a little older than my kids. I see the mom in this family sharing Autism Speaks tidbits All.The.Time. on FB and it just hurts my heart. How can she not be aware?
And then because this woman is sharing them, everyone else in my church thinks it’s not just OK but really supportive and helpful to share them. And I just sit and think “How can I even speak to anyone about this?”
Anyway. It’s a real puzzle.
You can always send them John Elder Robison’s essay on why he resigned his position as the only autistic member of the board of Autism Speaks:
http://jerobison.blogspot.com/2013/11/i-resign-my…
Toasts, I need your advice.
I am in my late twenties and have always worked at these boring office jobs and I want a Major Life Change/ 1-2 year Adventure. The problem is, I don’t know what that is.
My first thought was the Peace Corps, but that’s pretty intense (although I haven’t ruled it out) and my second idea is teaching English abroad somewhere, but I’ve never felt I have the patience/temperance for teaching (again, not ruled out). Has anyone done anything like this, or know someone who has? or has suggestions? or any thoughts at all? Thanks!
Have you looked into WWOOF-ing? I haven’t done it, but have had friends who speak very highly of the experience! http://www.wwoof.net
Alternatively could you look into a study abroad programme? Obviously that would require funds, but it would certainly be an adventure, as well as an opportunity to learn about something new/further your education!
I haven’t been able to find any reviews from volunteers, but this seems a bit similar, but in a rainforest village:
http://www.fincabellavista.com/learn-conserve/vol…
ugh me too except I’m 35. I’m starting to think of looking for a boring office job in another country so at least it would be like tiny part-time vacations on the weekend. Like, you know, whew that was a hell of a week *looks out the window* OH YEAH I’M IN NORWAY LOL
I teach abroad! I did one year in Russia and now I’m in Prague. Before Russia I lived in Scotland for a year for university, but before that I was in the US and often quite bored. I say go for it. I wish I’d moved abroad earlier, but it’s never too late. I’m 29 now and not sure when I’ll be going back to the US. Eventually, I’m sure, but I’m really happy I took the plunge and left.
You don’t have to be an amazingly patient person to teach English. A lot of my classes here are conversation classes. Depending on where you go, you can get a job without teaching children, which does try your patience more.
How did you get started in this? Are these different programs with these countries? or are you just applying for teaching jobs…?
You should do a TEFL program first. The standard is one month and you can do them in the US or abroad. Most of the teachers at my school did them here in Prague but I did mine in Boston years ago. Not all schools require a TEFL certificate but most do.
It’s just different teaching jobs. I applied for one in Russia, had a Skype interview, got a job. For my current school I had to do an in-person practice lesson as well.
Is there any country in particular you were thinking of moving to?
There are websites you can look at to find TEFL jobs, as well as Facebook groups you can join.
I have always wanted to get working holiday visa to New Zealand. If you’re not familiar with the working holiday visa scheme, it’s pretty cool – you can go to Australia or New Zealand for a year and work (you have to change jobs at least every 6 months though), mostly service industry type jobs – you have to be a US citizen and under 31 at the time of your application, I think. A friend of mine is there now and has worked as a barista, in a hostel and at a ski resort and he LOVES it. WWOOF-ing is also highly recommended by people I know who have done it.
I was going to comment to say this exact thing. Working holiday visas in New Zealand and Australia are the bomb.
Did either of you do this visa program?
Yes, I did. I have also done some of the other things listed above, like HelpX, WWOOF, and teaching English abroad. Not Peace Corps yet, although it’s something I’ve considered too! Let me know if you want more info on anything.
I taught in China for a year. That was a sister city exchange program; I also know people who have gone through programs, like EPIK in Korea or JET in Japan, and people who simply applied for a job they saw listed on Dave’s ESL Café. In most of those cases, the teaching load is maybe 20 hours per week, maximum; personally I saw different students every day, so I only had to prep one lesson per week, and the overall workload was very manageable. I later taught a college writing class back home in the US and in comparison the teaching-abroad experience was way, way, way easier. It was harder socially, though, because I didn’t have a lot of support and for obvious reasons didn’t know a lot of people in town, so I was kinda lonely. Still, I learned a lot–things that are hard to put into words, as well as the more straightforward stuff I learned about China–and I got in some AMAZING travel.
Before I did that, I also did some WWOOFing (kind of a bust, just because of the farm where I was; it’s a good idea to do more research than I did!) and had a seasonal job at a wildlife center, which was great. I’d been really jonesing to get out of the city where I had been living before that, so the opportunity to spend some time in rural areas was good for me. Is there an environment you’d like to spend more time in, and can you look for opportunities that would let you do that?
I did Peace Corps in my late twenties. I’m really glad I did it, and it was an amazing experience, but it is very intense and a big commitment. That being said, you can always go through the application process and see what they offer you; just applying and going through the process doesn’t mean that you’re obligating to join. Peace Corps works in lots of different places and has lots of different programs. There are volunteers working in HIV/AIDS education in Africa and volunteers working in coastal resources management in the Philippines who spend a decent chunk of time scuba diving as part of their work. There are volunteers in Latin America and the Ukraine. You can always call a recruiter and talk to them about your specific background and see where you might fit.
I do think that the more time goes by, the more glad I am that I served, and the more grateful I am that I had that opportunity. Peace Corp provides some really amazing opportunities. There was some good discussion of Peace Corps specifically on a previous open thread: http://the-toast.net/2016/02/12/cocktail-hour-ope…
Like most Returned Peace Corps Volunteers I’m also more than happy to talk about my service, ad nauseam, if you have any specific questions. 🙂
Wow, thanks for linking to that other OT. I totally missed that, and appreciate how much information you wrote there.
That’s a great idea of applying/talking to a recruiter and seeing if they have any use for me (they probably don’t, I have no marketable skills besides Reading the Internet), but that would be a great place to start. Thanks!
My year teaching in Korea was absolutely one of the best of my twenties. It might be a bit scarier now with New Kim but you are within a 3 hour flight of so many great countries and the cost of living is lower than in Japan.
Peace Corps is pretty hard core but looks great on resumes.
My husband and I dream of packing it all in and teaching English as a Second Language in Scotland….
You guys are great, thanks for all your thoughtful answers! (I mean, of course they were, The Toast is best place ever)
* opens up a Google doc named “The Future,” adds new notes… *
I spent a year teaching in Finland through the American Scandinavian Foundation. It was great! I had zero teaching experience and no background in TESOL or anything like that (though I did major in International Studies). I was at a folk high school, so the students were about 18-20 (I was 22-23 at the time) and already spoke very good English. My classes were mostly conversational, so I just came up with games and situations for students to practice talking to each other. I also taught a US history class, which was wicked fun because I got to choose what aspects of US history to highlight. It was all a lot of work, but I had a lot of freedom and really enjoyed living in Finland and traveling in my free time. It didn’t pay much, but it was a great experience and gave me something to fill out my resume when I came back to the States, where I got a job working with international students. I left that job after a few years to go to grad school abroad — maybe that’s another idea for you? — which was also pretty great. I’m now back in the US working as an international student advisor at a university.
Good luck and happy adventures! Keep us updated!
I really like this idea, I think I could handle teaching like this. Also, the point is to challenge myself, so maybe I should be more into the idea of teaching bc it’s out of my comfort zone…
Oh, wow. . .I actually have in the back of my mind a writing project I would love to be able to work on in Sweden. :bookmarks ASF as a possibility:
I did Peace Corps and had a very different experience than the one described above- the only thing intense about it was the intensely bad behavior and immaturity of the majority of volunteers, who spent their afternoons getting drunk together watching the full set of Friday Night Lights dvds that someone brought along. The organization as a whole was incredibly disrespectful, while giving non-stop lip service to “Respect.” This was in Mongolia- I’ve heard more positive things from volunteers in other countries, so it seems to really depend on the country director.
If you don’t mind sharing, where in Mongolia were you stationed? I traveled there a few years ago, and it struck me that it would be really hard to be a PCV in one of the isolated towns. And did you learn Mongolian????
I did learn Mongolian! I actually left after three months, the training period, because I was so disappointed and really didn’t see a way to make a positive impact in that structure, but in that time I got to an Intermediate-High level with the language, which was so much fun! Mongolian is great in that it has all kinds of useful cases and grammatical arrangements that I could geek out over, and the kids I was teaching were really fun to trade phrases with. I was in a settlement called Javkhlant, which is roughly between the towns of Darkhan and Sukhbaatar, in the North. We were about 1-2 hours walk from the road, although people did have cars and just drove over the steppe. My husband was in Sukhbaatar for training, so when we wanted to see each other I’d hike out to the road and then flag down a passing car (the Peace Corps wouldn’t let us catch rides with the trainers who were traveling directly between our towns, for mysterious Reasons) and then it was about an hour drive before I got dropped off at the side of a road closer to him and walked to his family’s house. As far as I know, none of the PCVs were actually stationed alone in any of the towns- there were over 100 volunteers there- and that was one of the reasons we didn’t stay on. If we knew we’d be the only volunteers in our town, it would have been a lot more appealing!
I have not done this, but there’s a thing called HelpX where you can volunteer somewhere (it doesn’t have to be farming – some people do cleaning or childcare) in exchange for accommodation and food. My housemate found her placement (a deer farm in Denmark!) through this, and liked it so much she decided to stay for a year instead of a few months.
This week has been full of rage and stress and the return of winter. Toast loves, I need stories of inappropriate but satisfying ways you’ve let your anger blaze out at the world.
I have not actually done anything in reality, but here is my favorite (and shortest) creative writing exercise venting such feelings:
this Monday morning features me
descending on you from above
unleashing a banshee scream
brb writing on post-it, sticking to mirror
I want to embroider this and hang it above my desk.
One time a lady stopped and stood still at the top of an escalator and I just went ahead and gently cannoned into her because you cannot.stand.at.the.top.of.an.escalator.
i admire this but it sounds dangerous
it was a very gentle cannon.
pooo
ooof…
….!
I like to play a little game I call Sidewalk Chicken. Unless it’s teenage girls coming at me, because they will cut me down.
If the person in front of me on an escalator stops moving I keep going. Don’t just stop if you’re supposed to be moving!
today i unfriended both of the two people whom facebook told me had birthdays. neither of them were actually friends! one of them was actively unpleasant to me in college! good riddance and enjoy trying to figure out who constitutes that one less friend in your friend lineup birthday kids!!
Birthday unfriending is a not-so-guilty pleasure of mine. Great job!
never done it before, but it gave me such a surge of satisfaction that i may keep on
Shortly after I graduated from college I spent an evening drinking a bottle of wine and unfriending some 150 people. It was magical.
oh i’ve gone through many purges over the years but previously they had been about actively unfriending people who made me uncomfortable…this thing of unfriending people who incidentally cross my digital path without contributing any active positive input is new and I LIKE IT
My social media policy is to cut anyone whom I don’t feel good about knowing. Like, I don’t want to even deal with people I’m lukewarm on anymore. I have to feel like I am glad someone is in my life in order to keep them.
I did this, too. It was the best.
I occasionally punch/kick cars that are illegally parked in the bike lane. Dunno if I’ve ever left a dent, but I probably have.
Oh! I thought I didn’t have anything to offer, but seeing this, I guess I do. I punch cars that drive within punching distance of me when I’m in a crosswalk. If I have an umbrella with me, I’ll use that, but most of the time it’s just fists. Sometimes it’s scary (I had a guy stop his car, get out, and try to fight me once), but always satisfying.
MY HERO
My friends dragged me away before anything actually happened, which was totally for the best, but…
I was recently injured and I had to wear a really obvious leg brace.
On the train, people frequently wouldn’t stand/take their stuff off of seats so I could sit down. It was at “pretending I don’t hear your request” levels. So I decided to start complaining loudly about how inconsiderate people are to pregnant, elderly, and injured people on transit. Can you believe it? How rude people are?
It was so satisfying. And I got a seat.
I did this when heavily pregnant in London and people would pretend they couldn’t see me. I would gesture to my nearest standing companion and state (yell really) ‘Can you believe what arseholes people are? I am sure their mothers would be PROUD.’
God that was satisfying.
I wear leg braces and I just death-stare people. I get on and look around sheepishly but if no one moves…..
The death-stare is on.
I once had an art professor who I really hated so I threw my final project into a whole bunch of really gross dumpsters before I handed it in to her. It was… not my most mature moment. But it sure was satisfying!
I was crossing a parking lot on foot, waiting for traffic to clear. Made eye contact with the approaching driver. He was about to join a long line of waiting cars, but he pulled up in front of me anyway. After he stopped, I walked around the back of his car and thumped his trunk, hard, with the flat of my hand. I chose a spot likely to make the most satisfying noise. It did. I watched him jump with surprise, waited for him to turn and look at me. Then gave him a big grin and one finger.
I live in a college town. I feel it is my duty to teach some of these kids what they have yet to learn.
I was at a hockey game with paisleybro and some friends, and the 20-something guy directly behind me kept being 1) disgusting 2) flail-y in that he continuously kicked my seat and 3) – most terribly – kept pinching/hitting/generally abusing his friend next to him who was a girl with obvious physical challenges. She kept begging him to stop and leave her alone and finally I just blew my top, whipped around and screamed:
HEY! LEAVE HER ALONE. And SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP. What is wrong with you?!
I gave him a nasty up-and-down with my eyes during the last sentence, which I felt very happy about. He was stunned into silence, but not for long because then he started complaining loudly about how rude I was and how I could have just asked him *nicely* to be quiet. And to that I looked at my friend next to me and said just as loudly, “He was being a dick. I don’t *have* to be nice to him.”
I apologized to paisleybro afterwards, because my ex would have been angry and mortified at my unladylike behavior, but God bless him, paisleybro was just proud and amused.
You are my hero. That hockey guy is the WORST.
My crowning moment of responding to catcalling: on my way to a dance in college, some man drove his truck onto the sidewalk to block my path. I stopped dead and said the first thing that came to mind, which turned out to be “I’m going to rip your throat out.”
I’ve never seen anyone drive away so quickly.
I just chortled with glee at this. You’re excellent.
Yes, very good very good.
i mean we really should be able to thumbs-up something twice, because two thumbs. then again if i had the chance at two i would probably be asking for three here.
Omg, that’s BRILLIANT 😀
I set my phd thesis on fire. (SO. SATISFYING.)
I love you all. This list and a beer have made my day 1000% better. I want you all in my imaginary posse.
Super mean, maybe not super ethical, but I sent some stories by people in a previous writing group who really hurt my feelings and undermined my confidence to my writing BFF/soulmate so we could make fun of them over Viber.
But mostly I just yell at people inside my head.
I used to clean a house at a country club while I was in college. I was running late going from there to class and I had to drive through a golf cart crossing. I see an older man on a golf cart eyeing me approaching and he actually sped up so he could beat me to the fucking crossing. I know he had the right of way and everything, but he’s leisurely playing a douchy rich-person’s game on a weekday in the middle of the afternoon and I would have beat him to the crossing if he hadn’t have sped up and he basically darted the thing in front of my car so that I had to slam on the breaks. He points to the painted bars on the gravel and raises his eyebrows like, “see!! I get to go first!” The combination of stress from work/ class/ running late/ income inequality/ douchebags always getting their way all time came to a head and I jutted my middle finger out at full arm’s length and mouthed “FUCK. YOU.” Very slow and deliberately, and drove around his ass. Then I freaked out at the possibility of him knowing the family I cleaned for and telling them, but nothing ever came of it.
Fibroid thread?
Any experiences, advice, warnings? Good and not so good options?
UGH. Don’t wait too long to deal with them. I didn’t realize I even had them until they got so bad my uterus was taking up my entire pelvic bowl and they had to remove the damn thing. I didn’t have the option of looking up more holistic and healthy ways to deal with them but I’m sure there would have been other options if I hadn’t let things get so bad before I asked the doctor about it. If you’re not opposed to acupuncture/TCM/reasonable alternatives to western medicine, consider looking at those options for treatment. Good luck!
Oh no! I’m so sorry this happened to you. I remember you posted about this before. How are you now? Also, acupuncture! I never thought of that but I think I even have coverage for it. Worth a shot.
I didn’t get notification of this! Sorry I didn’t respond earlier. I’m doing okay, thank you! The surgery itself went well. No complications. I think if I hadn’t been already such a terribly unhealthy person before the surgery, I’d be doing really well.
Acupuncture can do amazing things! Best wishes finding a practitioner whose style and personality work well with you–that’s a great thing when you find it!
I would second the ‘keep on top of them’ comment. Mine are pretty big, probably actively contributed to the restricted placental growth of my last pregnancy. I wouldn’t have realized how big they were (although I was pretty sure I had them, as I have always had the monstrous periods and all the women in my family have them) without an ultrasound I had before attempting to have an IUD installed. Unfortunately the position of fibroids meant it was no dice on the IUD front. My mother recently had a hysterectomy after a biopsy of one of hers showed endometriosis and calcification of the uterus (?!) so I basically am counting down the years until they can cut the whole damn thing out.
Damn. That’s rotten. I’m glad to hear the chorus of keep on top of it because it is tempting to think I’m over-medicalizing this whole thing and to just put up with it.
I’m inclined to think that if they’re causing you discomfort, pain, or bleeding, having them treated appropriately isn’t overmedicalizing things. We still have to fight to be taken seriously when we say our reproductive system is doing intolerable things, after all, and we’re trained to minimize and disguise our menstrual cycle because it’s “icky”. That means you’re much more likely to minimize, or be ignored for talking about, a serious fixable problem, than to exaggerate something that isn’t a big deal.
Ugh, this. My doctor is fab and isn’t even behaving this way, but I’m so well trained I DO IT TO MYSELF.
Yeah you kinda are, but I didn’t want to just say that. 😡 If it’s bugging you, you deserve to explore treatment options!
How do you know if you have them? My mom did, hers were bad enough that a doc recommended a hysterectomy in her mid-20s. Luckily she got a second opinion, but I was a c-section because the fibroids obstructed things. My cramps have become increasingly bad, but my flow is normal (to light, even, for a 36 year old not on BC?).
unless they’re large enough to make you look like you’ve got the beginnings of a baby bump, you only find out if they go looking via ultrasound, either because you complain of symptoms, or they’re looking for something else for another reason. in my family, people have had the bump before any other symptoms start, but depending on size and placement, they can cause pain [sometimes constant pain], intensify period cramping and increase period flow.
it’s not uncommon for your hormones to change mid-30s and have worse cramps than ever before [according to my GP]. i triggered mine in revealing themselves by switching birth control right around then and suddenly everything was awful–each pill we tried lasted 2 weeks before my hormones overran them and i had cramps i had previously thought were a thing of lore. oddly enough, while nuva ring is lower dose than pills we tried, the constant hormone release works for me and things are back to normal. but it was scary for awhile and nobody told me this could happen.
they are in my family, and somehow i seem to be the only one who hasn’t got them, or noticeable ones at least [maybe due to constant hormonal birth control my entire adult life?].
if you have them and they’re painful and you’re considering surgery, shop around. some doctors are better at listening than others, some will go more aggressive with the knife, which could sacrifice your fertility. if you want children, you want someone who will remove them without compromising fertility and help you with timing pregnancy. if you know children aren’t in your future, you can consider a uterine ablation, which kind of zaps the tissue and prevents all kinds of things from growing, but either compromises or eliminates fertility [i don’t remember].
however, if you go the surgery route, removing them is no guarantee that new ones won’t grow. much of the advice is to avoid wheat, soy and caffeine [i’m not sure how solid that wisdom is, but it’s what the doctors have told my relatives].
Thank you! I’ve never heard of the diet recommendations so thanks. Will look into that.
I’m thinking about having the surgery next year (if I can save up enough money and vacation time at work).
As I understand it, the type of fibroid (e.g., where it’s growing) matters a lot in terms of the type of surgery that’s recommended, whether the fibroids interfere with getting pregnant, etc.
http://www.nwh.org/departments-and-services/migs/…
I’m still hoping to have kids eventually, otherwise I’d probably just get rid of the whole thing. Not fond of the horrible cramps I have since I went off the pill… 🙁 (Though those disposable heating pads that you can stick on yourself are life-savers).
I have to interview my replacement for a summer job I am leaving. He’s the cousin of the artistic director, so basically this is a formality, but to me it still feels kind of weird. Any tips? Good interview questions in general? The job is for a management position at a classical music festival.
Ask them what their co-workers in the past have thought of them.
I am an arts management person currently interviewing for new jobs, and I find it challenging in a good way when interviewers ask for specific examples of times I’ve dealt with whatever particular kind of stress is common in the position (communication across many locations, something going truly wrong, helping an org adapt to new technology, whatever the case may be).
So, I am probably moving to my most-hated neighborhood in this city, because [long money story]. It is one of the hottest!, trendiest! neighborhoods in town, and I hate it I hate it I hate it. There is nothing there I want, and there is nothing there useful for me at all. Everything is far away. The transit goes downtown to work and back, nowhere else. It’s super car-dependent. It’s like living in the coolest…suburb…ever.
Help me grieve my life.
Oh no! Does the transit at least continue running into the evening, so you can maybe stick around downtown after work to do things?
Downtown is not where the cultural life is here, downtown is just a bunch of finance buildings like the one I work in. But yes, the transit runs late, so there’s that.
Darn.
Still, presumably the cool places also have transit to downtown? Having a longer bus/train ride with a transfer sucks, but it is doable, at least on occasion.
Yep, I am preparing myself to Suck It Up.
I feel your pain and I am very much the same way.
My dream life would be living in the middle of nowhere, where I have to plan monthly excursions for supplies and my only interactions with other humans are planned and deliberate on my part OR in the middle of a lively and bustling city with just enough room for a small garden, and everything I need and everything I love is walking distance and I never have to drive anywhere.
The suburbs would be a nightmare for me; all of the downsides of living among people, none of the benefits.
lemonadefish’s official policy: if I have to wear pants to go outside, I’d better be able to walk to the grocery store (it’s a bit of a stretch at the moment, being 1.25 miles to the nearest one, but I can walk to a fried chicken restaurant and a hamburger stand, so who needs groceries, anyway?)
Truth! Unfortunately, the only thing within walking distance of my (probably) new home is a jagoff Michelin-starred restaurant with cocktails in mason jars and expensive plates of fucking octopus marrow or some shit.
octopus marrow!
Those are exactly my two dream lifes.
And my suburban coworkers just can’t wrap their heads around it. Like, “but you can get so much more for your money if you buy in the suburbs!” and “just wait until you have kids, you’ll change your tune!”.
No. I won’t. I don’t want more house to clean for my money. I want a cozy place in an awesome neighbourhood where I only need to use the car when I want to get out into nature on weekends. OR place directly in nature where I don’t have to deal with all of you and your minivans and your yappy dogs and your shopping plazas with gateway-to-hell parking lots. And where my potential future kids can see people and things that don’t look exactly like them and exactly like their house.
i’m pretty sure i know this city, and now i’m kinda dying to know which suburb you’re talking about.
lol not actually a suburb. Its Chicago, Logan Square.
oh, ha! everything you were saying sounded like it could be LA and i was going to maybe suggest some things. instead i will help with your grieving.
Ahhh I had a feeling you lived in Chicago! Totally disregard this if you already know about these places, but have you been to The Boiler Room? Super reasonable, delicious pizza, some actually cheap drinks!
I also love the Chicago Diner for a once-in-a-while treat, and I’ve heard great things about the Logan Theater for cheap cheap movies. I know Wicker Park can be a total garbage fire sometimes, but at least it has Myopic and some cool restaurants/a lot of theater/concerts, and that’s not too far??
Anyway, if none of this appeals to you just DISREGARD. I definitely definitely feel your blue line transit pain, and I hope that the neighborhood grows on you once you’re there!
I know a lot of people who like living in Logan Square who are not total d-bags or hipsters, so hopefully you’ll find things you like in the neighborhood. The farmer’s market they have there is pretty nice.
Alternately, you could take the Kimball bus up to Albany Park and get great tacos/possibly smacked in the head with a machete. I’m hoping we gentrify just a little bit more but not too much. Already too many moustaches walking around for my taste.
Toasties, wish me luck! I entered three works for the Equus Film Festival and it would be SO COOL if I got even an honourable mention! You can see the three at http://www.RedBubble/people/west50east (I wish I knew how to hyperlink). The titles are “Beyond The Vertical (Giving to Rico)”, “DeeDee” and “Last Foal For The Old Mare”.
OH, and on [email protected]!
Good luck!!
And I often keep my OneNote open to the tab with this info –
Hyperlink code: (add < & > to either end of this)
a href=”http://www.hyperlinkcode.com”>Hyperlink Code</a
Thank you!
Best luck!
I officially accepted an admission offer to grad school yesterday and told the other professor who offered me a place that I will not be going to his school and I can’t stop thinking about it and feeling like I’m going to puke. That’s normal, right? What are feelings and why do I suddenly have so many?
When I was choosing grad schools I had very similar feelings. It was one of the worst decision making processes ever and the only thing that got me through it was realizing I’d have regrets either way and I just needed to make a choice already. Even after deciding I felt wrong and weird about it, went back on that decision and still felt the same way!
Anyway, yeah I think what you’re feeling is normal.
Thank you. It’s such a weird and awful feeling; I’m kind of excited and kind of panicking. I just really wanted one of the schools to be *perfect* and the other to be *awful* but instead they were both really good in a lot of ways and not great in other ways.
normal, cosigned. it’s the thing of I Just Made A Life Decision Based On Relatively Little Information! but it’ll be fine. they’re not that different, trust, and you already did all the thinking to get you to the decision anyway, so just have faith.
I think it’s totally normal to be really anxious when you make a major Life Decision.
Related note: YOU ARE GOING TO GRAD SCHOOL! YOU ARE SUCH A ROCKSTAR!
I just did something similar. The anxiety is too. much. Big life decisions are terrifying, worth it (this is what I’m telling myself).
Congratulations for making the life decision and doing all the work that allowed you to make this decision! It’s a big step.
I sobbed a lot while making grad school decisions. Not because I was unhappy with my choice, just lots of feelings and big decisions going on.
Health and Fitness? Health and Fitness.
My calf is finally calming down enough to run but oh my god I have lost almost a month of training, and that is Not Good. Yet my doctor thinks that I am still all of healthy it’s possible to be, so plus signs there.
How’s everyone’s training and healths going? Goals? Achievements? tell me everything and reassure me that there is light at the end of this very long tunnel.
I am going to try and run this weekend. I’ve been doing bjj for two months and I think I am in shape enough to add another activity. Plus I need to improve my endurance.
Also, for the first time, I am buying more work out pants than regular pants.
I’m in the recovery slog as well. I’ve been rehabbing a hip impingement for going on 2 months now, oof. I had a month pain free and tried some light deadlifts last week and… nope. Didn’t hurt a lot, but made itself known, so out of an abundance of caution I’m still barred from deadlift and squats.
On the plus side: the things I’m supposed to be strengthening through physical therapy are definitely getting stronger! And I can still train upper body stuff and cleared 75 lbs on bench press last week which is a big deal to me!
I recently discovered the weird “it feels like my cervix was bruised during particularly enthusiastic sex” feeling is actually DOMS in my pelvic floor from PT because that’s how bad things were in there. So that’s great. I’m halfway through my FMLA time and things are not improving yet, fatigue-wise. Extra great.
I can’t reassure you of the light because I sure as shit can’t see it from here yet, either, but here’s hoping.
I just got back in the gym after a month of no training (no injury, just… my life does that sometimes) and I forgot that working out properly results in me:
– being too hot all the time
– being hungry all the time
– needing wayyyy more sleep
– having a much lower alcohol tolerance
Remind me why I do this to myself.
Just started running outside again yesterday. I sorta dirty bulked this winter (sorta, because I didn’t really plan it, I just ate a lot because mmm food good and lifted a lot because otherwise I would have gone crazy) and then I went and hiked last weekend in Denver and nearly died (hyperbole), partially because it was at a bachelor party and I was drunk, but also partly because I was so out of shape. So it’s time to drop the weights, up the reps, count some calories, and take up cardio again.
Current goals: get back down to a 22ish minute 5k, keep my squat and bench roughly where they currently are, fit into my summer suit again, and somehow do all this while still going to like 30 Cubs games, drinking on patios on the reg, and grilling out whenever possible.
I am enjoying FitStar. I decided that rather than getting the premium now, I would combine the free program with trying Zombies, Run! 5K again, since the free FitStar program doesn’t have that much cardio. I will probably subscribe to premium FitStar in the fall, when it gets too cold & icy to run.
For the running, my initial plan was to do every week twice. Last time I tried it I had to quit due to heel pain (I think plantar fasciitis, based on the internet, but all my doctor said was “there’s a lot of tendons in there”). I was hoping that progressing even more slowly would help. Unfortunately, after doing week one 1.7 times, my feet and knees are already starting to complain a teensy bit. New plan is to repeat week one until they either toughen up or make it clear that this isn’t going to work this time either.
i have to try fitstar again. last time i tried it, it was summer, and the best room set up for me is kind of a sunny room, so i gave up. i’m going to revisit it though, i liked the feedback.
I signed up for a faculty/staff 5k training group at my place of employment.
It starts meeting at 730 am the day after my birthday and I am SO SAD at the good choices I am making but hopefully this kickstarts me running on my own at times I find acceptable/don’t involve me having to shower with undergrads before work (sorry undergrads, it’s just weird being 5-10 yrs older than y’all and naked in the same space)
I just started seeing a trainer after a massive knee injury and it is so great to feel sore because I’ve worked out instead of injury pain. The first trainer I saw was afraid of pushing me but this new one is amazing. I did my first sets of step ups and mountain climbers in 4 years. I even managed (modified) push ups.
Rehabbing injuries is the worst, but nothing beats that feeling of getting back in routines that seemed impossible after an injury.
I’ve been… not great about working out. Been taking the train instead of biking more than usual (in my defense, the weather has been really wet and crappy lately), and I’ve been going to the exercise room only 1-2 times per week, on average, instead of 3 like I used to. No particular reason… just the gray spring blahs, I guess?
I’m with you. I stopped running last year at around this time because of an IT thing. It’s fine, but I’m still just going on long walks and not doing much else. I just moved a week ago, and the stress and disruption of that, plus rain the last few days means I’ve had a fairly sedentary week.
I just need to re-establish my routines.
The foot I broke in SEPTEMBER is finally almost healed; it may already in fact be pretty much done recalcifying, but the doc’s x-ray machine threw a shoe or something and is in repairs. But I’m doing push-ups again and lifting heavy things and looking forward to starting all over again with C25K. Improvement happens on its own frustratingly slow timeline.
i’m doing a whole30 this month, halfway through currently. i’ve also been doing workweek hustles with some friends on fitbit for something like 6 weeks running.
a place where i contract-work some days is doing a step challenge for the month of april, with a shared spreadsheet, which is kinda like taking the workweek hustle up a big notch without all the silly fitbit commentary. it’s keeping me on my toes though, literally, since one co-worker likes to get 17k steps per day, and i’m anywhere between 15-19k if i focus on it.
i’ve been trying to ramp up my yoga class attendance. i actually love it when i’m there, but have a hard time getting out of the house when it’s the only destination i have. on the way home from work? no problem! go there today? i’m feeling very couch+cats today.
I did my Zombies, Run! virtual 5k on the treadmill yesterday. Usually when I run outside I am shit at pacing myself — my last outdoor 5k run was an average of 10:08 but it varied from 9:10 to like 11:30. On the treadmill I am obviously going a constant pace, and I keep it lower, like 11ish, and I can go much farther. Yesterday I set the treadmill to a 10-min mile and I *did it* even though I was very, very sweaty afterwards.
(Anyone else doing Zombies Run?)
I love Zombies Run – I’m nearly at the end of series 1 and there’s a cliffhanger and I need to get over this cold so I can find out what happennsssss.
I posted this yesterday, but I have found a women’s boxing gym that I am very excited about as my normal judo workouts are currently curtailed.
A month always feels like a forever amount of time off, but in the grand scheme of things it’s not the end of the world. I was out three months total with a fractured hand and was pleasantly surprised how little time (a few months) it took me to feel like I had never stopped.
I recently got into weight training, but just like, swinging a kettlebell at home and doing bicep curls with 5-lb weights. So today I bought a groupon for some personal training sessions and I am really stoked. I’ve always been pretty active but this is the first time I’ve gotten into strength training seriously. My only real goal at this point is to have impressively muscular arms.
I am going rock climbing for the first time tonight! Like, in an indoor gym. I’m scared I will suck at it, but also excited because I like climbing on things and I am in decent shape so I might not suck. My soccer group is doing a “takeover” of a climbing gym and there will be a DJ and someone to tell me how to do things. Hopefully it will be fun.
Unnecessary update: it was fun! I didn’t suck that much! But I really should have cut my nails beforehand. Also what happened to my legs?? I have a soccer game tomorrow, yikes.
My crossfit box is closing at the end of the month, and the juuust let members know. Now I need to find a new one and I feel like a little kid transferring schools. What if they don’t like me?!
This week was the end of my 12-week training cycle, which meant I got to do bench and squat tests to see what my new one-rep maxes are, and: turns out they are great! I brought my bench up to 105 lbs, which is a 10-lb increase over the 12 weeks, and my squat to 165, which is a 22-LB INCREASE! I am super impressed with myself. (Also, if you would like to see a video of my PR squat, Coach GruntledDave posted it here on Instagram.)
ALSO, tomorrow is the 100th day of 2016, which means I will be officially checking in on my New Year’s goal to do some kind of exercise every day, and it looks like I will probably have an 86% success rate! I’m shooting for 90% overall for the year, so that’s not bad at all.
Oh man this week was a big achievement week for me! So far, I ran a mile without stopping/slowing down for the first time since high school, probably, and did my first assisted handstand/inversion thing in yoga. And I have this thing where I don’t do something if I think I might fail at it, which is bad enough in fitness and even worse in the rest of my life, so today I am working on that by going rock climbing with my best friend, who loves to rock climb. I am not good at rock climbing, and utterly failed the last time I tried it, but I’m hopeful!
(best friend tried to assure me that I would at least be able to get all the way up the beginner wall, and I replied “really? remember that time I fell off the bunny hill TWICE?” so… we’ll see. but the point is i’m trying!)
ETA: off the bunny hill, not down the bunny hill. Like, I rolled into a ditch. Twice.
Small-boobed, bra-wearing Toasties: what are your favorite bras? I’m afraid Target doesn’t sell my fallback anymore, and I’m looking to expand my…palate? I’m 34A-ish.
I wore this bra exclusively when I still had disposable income. Now I wear a Calvin Klein one that’s sort of similar.
I have a friend who raves about aerie’s bralettes – lots of lacy “adult” options. The size chart says they go down to 30A & 34AA.
I feel strongly about a fully-lined bra and I like the gapbody pullovers and the victoria’s secret no wire bras.
aerie! Lots of small sizes in-store, and I’ve recently noticed I’m no longer the only adult shopping there.
I am also an adult and I wear Aerie’s Haper bra almost exclusively. It’s way better than many fancier bras and the salespeople are always so helpful.
I swear by Maidenform bras which I used to only find at Macys (though I also love, love Calvin Klein’s), but now target sells them. I think the target ones are probably a bit lower end, but they work well. I just discovered this when pregnancy made me a 34b instead of a 34a, and none of my old ones fit.
cosigning calvin klein — check out nordstrom rack if there’s one near you, they often have them for half price — and aerie, i love their hannah cotton bra though they keep offering it in fewer and fewer colors which makes me x-( . also have been loving gap bralettes recently? i was anti-bralette for a long time (why make my small b’s look any smaller?) but i am finally giving in to the reality that i resent leaving my house because it means i have to put on a bra and in fact i rather like the flat-chested bralette look as long as i’m not doing something where i have to look Grown and Authoritative
Ugh i’m interested in this too. 32A, sometimes 34.
Barely There Concealer (or something like that) — they have both underwire and wireless, and I like them both. Shaped cups (not padded) that happen to fit my anatomy. . . might be worth a try. Plus they are not too expensive.
Medium-boobed here, but my favourites are Gap Body. I have consistently worn their t-shirt bra ever since way back in late high school, when I finally convinced my mom that, no matter how much SHE hated underwire bras, I did not feel the same way. They’re comfy, no-pushup or extreme padding, but ‘lined’. And the straps are convertible to cross-back.
For underwireless, their pullover bra is super comfy and I have multiples. It’s not the most flattering on my body, but I usually ain’t give a damn. It might look better with smaller boobs.
TOASTS, I was seriously inspired/motivated by the links earlier this week about queer style, and I AM GOING TO GET A HAIRCUT. Possibly tomorrow, if there’s an opening at a recommended salon (recommended twice in the PDX Lesbian group, no less).
I am someone who went through childhood with a bob and bangs, started growing out her hair in middle school (all the way to her waist), cut it off for college, grew it out again, then cut it again more decidedly as a Professional Adult in her early twenties who realized she looked more grown-up this way and it was a better route to be taken seriously. (But who has never stopped missing being able to braid her hair, all the same.)
Now I closer to thirty than twenty (auuuugh), I’ve been doing this A-line bob for the last year or so, but I still feel altogether too goddamn conservative for my new home. And the last thing I want is anything about my appearance to give away my extremely conservative, Baptist upbringing. I want to shed all lingering traces of that past and stomp them into the dust at my feet. And I just want a haircut like I’ve never had one before.
I perused the Queer Cuts tumblr for a while, and I think I know what I want? I’m still more on the femme side of gender presentation, so I’m not going too extreme. But I think there are ways to take the bob I have now to the Next Level.
We will see! I am going to be a less boring, risk-averse person.
Yay! I salute you– in a few weeks I’m also planning to get a Very Gay Haircut! I feel like if you are in the PDX and going to to a PDX lesbian recommended salon there’s literally no way you can come out of there looking anything less than 110% queer, even if you go for the more femme side of things.
post photos, and godspeed!
i went from an awkward bob to a variation on my current pixie about five years ago, and it was a great decision.
Getting a pixie cut was one of the best decisions of my life.
V exciting – I hope we get to see it! Enjoy stomping your way to hair victory.
It will be amazing and you will love your new hair. I chopped mine off to a pixie three years ago and haven’t looked back.
“the last thing I want is anything about my appearance to give away my extremely conservative, Baptist upbringing”
OH MY GOD I have long curly hair and I wear dresses and flats, and some days I’m really putting off a “have you heard the good news?” vibe, it drives me bonkers but I don’t know what to do.
Good luck with your haircut!!
As long as your dress does not include that wide, bright white lace collar, you’re OK. And skip the headband. Also no bow-as-big-as-your-face.
Haha, is that still a thing? That just sounds like the 90s, and me in Baptist high school. I was so mortified when I wore a wonderful new purple dress to church with a bright white lace collar, and saw my friend’s grandmother wearing the SAME dress. (It was a small town with only one clothing store, owned by other church members.) But a classmate also had a similar dress, and we liked being almost twins.
And hey, my hair is too straight and slippery to wear any hair accessory other than a headband! Leave 90s me alone!
I support you in your style preference! And I totally get it, because for ages now I’ve YEARNED to be so much edgier than I actually am. There is nothing that rocks my socks more than the punk rock aesthetic, but I still cannot imagine myself getting any kind of undercut, let alone a pixie. Like “oh man, that looks so good on you, but I could never pull it off!”
I AM THE ONLY THING BOXING MYSELF IN, AND YET I DO IT SO WELL.
(ps curly hair is super sexy in my book)
I love my hair! I just sometimes wish for a break, but that’s what buns are for.
Wearing dresses all the time is apparently “pulling it off”– I used to get “ooooh where are you going??” comments until my coworkers realized i always wear dresses. Then they ask why and I have to figure out a polite way to say “I hate pants all up in my crotch” at work. Also I hate putting together outfits in the morning. Dresses!
Right now I am wearing a grey dress with darker grey floral print, oversized white cardigan, hair in half ponytail, leggings and combat boots. I am trying.
I love dresses! It took a long time for me to come back to them, because of dress code at my Baptist school (skirts or dresses, always! Along with pantyhose, tights or socks, though I have no idea why). But now I have finally discovered that they’re actually comfortable and fun and not just for dressy occasions. I also am terrible at getting skirts and tops to look good together, so I much prefer dresses. (But never pantyhose.) Though I still usually just wear jeans to work.
You don’t owe anyone an explanation about your crotch! Just say that you like dresses and they’re comfortable. Nobody should be asking you to defend your clothing choices in the workplace.
if there’s an opening at a recommended salon (recommended twice in the PDX Lesbian group
WHERE WHERE WHERE
It’s a Closed Group, but I can invite you (I’m pretty sure)! Are you part of the PDX Toasties group? Sorry if we’ve already met and talked in person and I don’t remember your username!
This is all on Facebook, I should have mentioned.
Which salon, I mean. 🙂 Only my hair is lesbian.
Lol! Here are the recommendations I noted:
Bishops on NW 21st (two votes, where I’m going this weekend)
Cream on 28th and Burnside
Mia Bella Salon in Sellwood
Kim at Logik the Salon
Oh good, I was hoping it was Bishops! I haven’t lived in Portland for two and a half years but I still wear my hair in a cut that I first got at Bishops.
And why I love my mom so: I texted her yesterday to warn her I want this sort of haircut (which, again, I’ve never talked about doing before in my life), and her reply was “Have fun! Be empowered!”
HUZZAH!
For what it’s worth, I have a pretty queer haircut now – short back and sides, long asymmetrical top – and it works beautifully with all my retro-styled dresses. I think it actually makes me more able to pull off things like weird jewelry and bold lipstick? Or maybe it just makes me more confident. I hope this haircut does the same for you. (I also had super-long hair and it’s been getting progressively shorter.)
I am femme as all get out, but I shaved my head about two weeks ago and it is glorious. For me, it’s an experiment in personal growth–not having pounds and pounds of wavy hair to hide behind is so different! Crush your Baptist upbringing. Portland will never smell the traces on you.
Good luck! I must say I have had a bob nearly all my life, but I love it and it suits me, and I have a fantastic hairdresser who makes it sleek and chic. It’s stacked higher in the back, even buzzed a little bit towards my neck, and it feels great.
PS – Being in my 30s is great! I love 30s more than 20s. Worry not!
I have the feeling this is a common problem, but has any ever attracted people with personality types you personally aren’t attracted to?
In my case it seems like I attract a certain kind of men who are lovely people, but they have personalities and outlooks on life that I just don’t share. I’m a recovering Cool Girl and I think I still give off that vibe.
Broken Ones. I had a string of boyfriends with long term chronic health problems (ranging from “needs a specific pillow and takes a lot of Flexeril and smokes a lot of pot because of neck pain” to “uh, probably colitis?” to “will be wheelchair-bound and blind by age 40”) and hoo boy, did THAT reinforce some really negative headspace
Oh man, sending positive vibes your way. I wouldn’t know how to deal.
Thanks. It got a lot worse and then it got better, eventually, but there was a good eight years of not a lot of fun.
I attract creepy old men, if that counts? And also guys who are not as smart/knowledgeable as me. I wish that didn’t matter, but it does.
YES OLD MEN 100% OF THE TIME.
Also I look a lot younger than I am, which makes it even more creepy! I’m actually kind of glad I’m getting some gray hairs, especially so clients will not consider me a sweet little newbie. I’m finally aging out of the dirty old men’s tastes.
PS – I just found this story. I’m not middle aged yet, but it sounds great!
Midlife Woman Loves Being Invisible to Men
http://bust.com/living/16067-midlife-woman-loves-…
Guys who are not as smart/knowledgeable but still feel the need to mansplain fucking everything about a topic you know more about.
Ha! I certainly encounter those ones, but I don’t think they’re attracted to me, thank goodness. Those people are annoying, especially when they ought to KNOW you know more than them. Like
Me: I lived in X place for several years.
Him: Oh I love X. I spent a week there for vacation once. Let me tell you what it’s like there.
….
Me: Uh huh, well I see some food over there that I need to eat before it’s gone, bye!
Strong women attract needy people. When I was dating (all of my 20s) I got so tired of the Mama’s Boys looking for someone to tell them what to do. And the ditherers looking for someone to direct them. And the sad ones looking for someone to comfort and save them.
I actually created a list of open-ended questions designed to identify needy suitors. I asked them during every first date. Rather, I asked only enough of the questions to determine social health. If the first question revealed them as a Mama’s Boy, I was done. If they got through all questions with satisfactorily healthy answers, they got a second date with me.
Second dates did not happen often. When they did, I started looking for signs they cared about *my* needs, realized strong people have needs too.
Holy shit you should pitch that list to the toast. Please, do it for all of us.
seconded on the pitch please!
Thank you for that! I was being nice and vague, but yeah, I attracted guys looking for manic pixie dream girls.
Ugh I get this too! And I feel like I need a guy who’s at least equal to me in ambition/life/intellect but these guys are never attracted to me so instead I get guys who joke about how I’m going to be their sugar momma and wear the pants in the relationship. Which no, I want equal pants wearing, or not wearing wink wink, in my relationship!
At least I seem to finally be out of my cool stoner wasting his life phase. That took a few goes!!
Exactly. l just wanted to date an *equal*.
Please tell us what the first question is! I’m so curious.
“Tell me about your housemates.”
If he does not live with his mama, the second question is, “What do you feel is the most annoying part of doing laundry.” So many had their own housing, but still relied on mama to wash their clothes.
RoseCamelia, ‘Needy’ is the first word that popped into my head but I never associated it with being a strong woman until reading your comment! I never understood why I kept attracting that type when I’m the opposite of the kind, sympathetic, gives-a-fuck person I figured they would want (‘sad ones’ predominated). Light bulb moment!
SAME.
Precisely. I am not warm and comforting. I am more likely to say “Suck it up!” Than “You poor thing.” But the moths keep coming to the flame.
“hen they did, I started looking for signs they cared about *my* needs, realized strong people have needs too.”
Oh god, if only I had had your list I could have saved myself a pretty pathetic marriage.
Creepy old men and “fixers.” The first are usually old white men with Asian fetishes from my parents’ church (one of them asked me out when I was 16, fun fact! And then the pastor told me I was making things up when I went to him because this guy was not leaving me alone). The second, a guy who saw me crying once and said that was the moment he liked me because he wanted to fix me.
Ugh. Bad pastor. Total job failure there.
I attract people with theology degrees who later dump me because god told them to.
Have you listened to Virtue, by Emmy the Great? She wrote it after her fiance broke up with her for God.
YES. My sisters and I have a theory where you have a type, who you like, and an anti-type, who are the people you attract.
Boys who want manic pixie dream girls will forever be disappointed that I’m queer, not simply artistic
It’s nice to know I’m not alone in this.
this explains EVERYTHING
Mind. Blown.
I feel like boys are constantly disappointed that we’re queer, not simply [any adjective works here]
I’ve finally finished the last of the 19 papers I had to write this semester. Between that and SAD, it’s been kind of brutal but I am so glad to be done. (Almost. Just have to write exams now.) Thank you for the encouragement you gave me the last few weeks!
Now I can finally enjoy the sunshine. 😀
Also, my lovely literary criticism class finished yesterday and I nearly cried in class because of the nice things everyone said about each other. Such a wonderful class.
And I was looking for a new show to watch and remembered that people told me when I was a teenager that Good Christians should not watch Downton Abbey because it is full of Teh Gayz, so naturally that is what I am watching now, and it is delightful.
If you want another show that’s “full of Teh Gayz” (for real) and more of a sci-fi thing, try Torchwood!
Edit: Oh, I didn’t read properly and thought you were asking for recommendations, when you weren’t. (But still, it’s a great show!)
I’m enjoying all the new HGTV and Food network shows on Netflix. It’s basically Christmas for me.
Gosh yes! I’ve been waiting for new House Hunters for AGES, and I was really ridiculously excited when I saw there was a new batch.
Have you seen Tiny House Hunters? I’m not sure if it’s available there, but those people are all hilariously insane.
I have it, but I haven’t watched it yet! Do you recommend it or will it leave me slightly angry? Or is it an enjoyable irritation?
Very highly recommended if you enjoy mocking the people on regular House Hunters. They’re extra-insufferable.
That’s perfect. I recommend house hunters international renovation for that as well. They move to remote villages and then complain about the quality of work and speed of construction.
Couple quick Traveling-with-DivaCup questions:
–DO you travel with a DivaCup? In theory it seems like it will be so much easier. But if I do, I will A) definitely have to dump it in an airport (not airPLANE fortunately) and B) possibly have to dump it in some sketchy rest-stop bathrooms or one-step-from-portajohn park bathrooms. Is that a thing to be worried about?
–There’s no worries swimming with a cup, right?
EDIT: Will be staying at hotels each night of the trip (no camping), so I will still be able to wash it out properly at least twice a day
I definitely travel with a Diva Cup. I’m pretty comfortable emptying it in toilet stalls of various sorts, but if you’re not then it might be a thing to practice first? Or just practice emptying it and wiping it out without using the sink at home? And maybe take a roll of TP in a bag with you if you’re worried about sketchy bathrooms, but that’s not so much Diva Cup advice as general advice.
I would probably be more worried if I were using an outhouse, because I’d be afraid of dropping it, but I’ve never actually dropped it in the toilet so my worry would be pretty baseless.
It is fantastic for swimming. Nothing to worry about there at all.
Bring a plastic cup (a drinking cup) and a bottle of water with you. Then you can rinse your cup out no matter what the bathroom accommodations are! (A wee pack of baby wipes might be nice too, make sure to get unscented/”natural” to avoid throwing off your vaginal flora.)
Also, no worries swimming with a cup. If you’re swimming anywhere but the ocean, I’d take it out and wash it quickly once you return to dry land for the day.
I travel with a DivaCup with success! I have a heavy period the first 2-3 days and have not caused murder scenes in airports/sketchy rest stops, so it can be done. Just make sure there is PUH-LENTY of toilet paper in the bathrooms. Do wash it out when you can access a sink and you’ll be fine! I also wear the Thinx underwear because I’m hella paranoid.
You can swim with it, yep!
Back when I still bled I traveled with my Diva cup. If I needed to empty it in a public toilet, I would give it a quick wipe with toilet paper before popping it back in. I figured that as long as I gave it a good washing once I was at my destination it’d be fine, and I never had any problems with that method.
I have used mine on trips to Australia where I did have to empty it on the plane even, and it’s never been a problem. It’s fine to empty it and just wipe it out, if you can’t wash it in a gross bathroom (maybe bring your own tissues if you’re worried there won’t be any paper).
Swimming is fine, too.
Emptying on the plane is probably better than the airport, because you can just reach right over to the sink!
I find it so much easier both travelling and swimming with a cup than I did with tampons. I can usually get away without emptying it while actually on the move (I am blessed with loght periods, though) and it’s really not a big deal to just empty and reinsert without rinsing it if you need to (much better than having to find somewhere to dispose of used tampons in ill-equipped bathrooms). The nice thing with swimming is that there’s no, er, ‘wicking’ effect like with some tampons.
I’ve used a cup off and on for ten years (I’m lazy about boiling it between periods, ok?) And it is hands down the most convenient way to travel while menstruating. If you’re confident wearing it while running errands, you can wear it traveling. But on a plane, also wear a pad too, in case the pressure changes give you a real heavy flow. (So the first overseas flight I ever took, I accidentally checked my supplies, including my cup and pads. And that’s when I learned how air travel can combine with periods!)
Tangent: They no longer say you should it boil it every month. Just washing it is fine!
Thank you for that reply! I was really afraid that I’d missed something in the instructions!!
This lazy seldom-boiler thanks you for this glorious news!
I have traveled with a Diva Cup. So much better than tampons or napkins. My personal biologist (Mr Rose) warned me not to wash it with tap water when traveling in Third World countries. But I think he’s thinking of *his* travels in rain forests and the Sahara. I travel only to comfortable hotels with reasonable plumbing.
I have never had problems traveling with one, though I do like to travel with a spare, just in case I drop it in an unsavory location 🙂
If you can properly wash it twice a day, I’d just get a few pads/pantyliners for the airport/plane portino of travelling. That way you don’t have to dump, you’ll be secure in knowing you aren’t ruining your clothes, and it’s totally safe to stay in your body that long.
That being said, if you want you can dump it in the stall, carry it out to the sink and wash, and go back to the stall to re-insert. If someone freaks out about your normal body functions, roll your eyes at them so hard that their knees buckle. Seriously, you do you honeydew.
If you’re worried about it, you could get a box of disposable Instead Softcups. You leave them in for 12 hours then just trash them and put in a new one. No need to rinse on the go.
Ooooh, I didn’t know that was even a thing!
They’re kind of awesome. They also come in a semi-disposable version that lasts for one cycle before you throw it out. The main benefit over DivaCup is that you can have all of the P in V sex while wearing one without creating a giant sheet disaster.
At one point more people had problems with leaks with the Instead, but I haven’t looked into them in ages, so it’s quite possible they’ve improved.
What about wearing one while exercising? I always take mine out for yoga class because the idea of doing a headstand and flipping the cup upside down makes me nervous. Anyone have positive experience with this??
I do everything with mine in and with the exception of the first few times using it and figuring out where it should sit, I haven’t had any leakage problems. Everything includes swimming, hiking, biking, skiing, running, camping, going on planes, playing sports, and, yes, yoga.
When it’s in the right place, it’s like a sealed off closed system in there. Moving your body at large isn’t gonna disrupt it.
I’ll admit that I do fear dropping it down the outhouse, but it hasn’t happened yet. I should invest in a backup just in case though. I mostly camp with non-period-having people, so they definitely wouldn’t have backup. I’m also planning on camping in the desert toward the end of my period this month and feeling a BIT of trepidation about dumping and replacing in the backcountry (potentially sandy fingers, not a lot of water around), but I’m sure I’ll manage.
My yoga classes don’t usually involve any inversions more intense than a bridge, but I don’t have any problems with it. I do sometimes worry during stuff where I’m opening my hips or involving my pelvic muscles, but it’s not ever actually leaked on me.
Yes experience, but not a positive one! I had been on a road trip for hours, then got to destination and instead of using the rest room right away, I went and played on their trapeze. …yeah…. hanging upside down itself was fine, but the pressure changes in getting back the right way up/off the trapeze must have been enough to break the seal. 🙅🙅🙅
I went to Bonnaroo with my diva cup (nothing but porta potties for three? four? days) and both the cup and me survived just fine!
It was really unpleasant, though, I would probably not do it again.
I travel with it all the time; tend to use a pad as back up since my paraguard made my periods super heavy and I started having to empty/rinse every 3-4 hours instead of every 12, but that’s mostly for paranoia, no actual problems in years.
Seconding all the water bottle/cup ideas, or if you’re forgetful like me, grab some toilet paper or paper towels and soak them with water, pour it out and use the “sponge” to rinse on the go.
I travel far and wide with a DivaCup in the last 10+ years of my using one. I just give it a quick wipe with a little toilet paper and it’s good to go. Even when not travelling I only wash mine once a day (while I’m in the shower) – my work toilets are all cubicles with communal sinks, and a lot of NZ houses have the toilet separate from the bathroom, and there is no way I’m gonna waddle between rooms to wash it 😂
Also never had a problem swimming with it, including fun things like jumping off cliffs, or doing many tumble turns while swimming lengths.
Hey Toasties! I’m going to Montreal in a few weeks and I’m looking at booking somewhere to stay. Any recommendations? We don’t really have set plans, but we’ll probably be doing standard touristy stuff, so we’d probably like to be reasonably close or have convenient transportation to that sort of stuff?
Are you thinking Air BnB? I’d stick to the the Mile End, Plateau, or Old Port for anglo accessibility if you’re nervous about speaking French (for all I know you’re francophone, in which case, disregard that detail) and lots of fun cafés and restaurants. There are lots of metro stops around and that’s the best way of getting around town. What kind of touristy stuff are you thinking of?
For walkability, Plateau/Mile End is an excellent bet — there’s not a ton of busses through the area but there are several metro stops, which is far more useful. If you’re flying in, there’s a bus from the airport that goes through downtown, which is way cheaper than a cab and reliable. Bixi (bike sharing) should be up and running, and there’s stands throughout most of the city (and certainly all the main touristy parts). If you’re worried about Anglo accessibility, yeah, Plateau/Mile End/Old Port, but also NDG (my old neighbourhood 🙂 ), and Westmount if you want to boggle/scoff at the ludicrously wealthy. But really, the city’s widely bilingual, and I doubt you’ll have any big problems with it. 🙂
Buvette Chez Simone! I had the most amazing roasted chicken there. http://buvettechezsimone.com/
I know you did not ask for restaurant recommendations so feel free to ignore me, but GO TO LA BANQUISE that is all.
(We are going back to Montreal for vacation with our LDSO this summer, I cannot wait!)
There are hostels downtown, especially in the touristy areas. I would recommend the one I used but I just looked it up and saw it had not-great reviews (Le Jazz St Denis).
Walking around the old port is easily the nicest way to just kill time. I have a cobblestone fetish though maybe. Plateau and Mile End are good for shopping if you want clothing and housewares and stuff; otherwise the museums (McCord, MMFA, Musee des Arts Contemporain) are really great. If you do the Plateau, go to the Cardinal tea room. http://www.thecardinaltea.com/
I need to remember these suggestions too. I’m going next month for a conference (next door to the Musée d’art contemporain) and staying a few extra days for tourist stuff.
Toasties! Tell me about your safe! Literally, your safe. I’m looking to buy something that will hold my few precious gems and important personal papers that is difficult to steal. Our house was broken into twice when I was young and it really seems like an inevitability to me so I’d like to make sure the irreplaceable things are better protected and I think that it would have a significant impact on my peace of mind. Have any of you ever bought/owned a safe? What kind? Where did you get it?
I have one and I like having one. Couldn’t tell you the brand, but it is fireproof, which I think is a bonus,
Never mind how hard it is to break into a safe, how hard is it to pick it up and carry it away? We have a gun safe. Because it weighs 200 lbs. And can be bolted to the wall studs. No guns necessary.
Yup, my sister in law’s house was broken into a few years ago and they just picked up the safe and went. You’re gonna want something that you can bolt to the wall or something.
I’m assuming there’s someone who can do that for me? Like the guy at the shop? (What shop?)
I honestly don’t know. We don’t have a safe because everything worth stealing in our house is in the open and being used. (Electronics, etc)
After the break in I think my sister in law got a full security set up from a proper company.
We have a smallish fire resistant safe for important papers. It is heavy but I think a determined thief could take it. I have seen smallish safes at Costco.
Safety deposit boxes at the bank are also a good option and can often give you more security for less cost if you don’t need frequent/ constant access. That’s what we use for papers and rotating backup hard drives and such.
This can be a book thread because I just need to let everyone know that there is a book called “The Dead Duke, His Secret Wife and the Missing Corpse” which is about a sensational Victorian legal case. I haven’t read it yet but I assume it is great.
YES I HEARD ABOUT THAT OMG I NEEDS IT
BRB, requesting from the library.
Sounds amazing! I just added it to my Amazon cart.
Cat thread?
I have surprise foster kittens! They were found on the street on Sunday, taken to Animal Control, given meds, and sent to me Sunday night. They are four weeks old, still kind of sick, and ADORABLE. They’re not terribly photogenic yet because of bad eye infections, but they’ve improved a lot in just a few days.
We are calling them Anya, Lincoln, and Commander Lexa (the fiercest, and the runt). Hobbies include bouncing everywhere (Anya), purring while eating (Lincoln), climbing on bare skin with needle claws (Lexa), and falling asleep while being held and then suddenly attacking your face (all of them).
Any NYC Toastfolk need new kittens in about 4 weeks?
OH MY GOD I WANT TO SNUGGLE ALL OF THEM SO BADLY. I love Calicos. Great names too!
(I’m in Boston, but if I was in NYC, I’d be seriously tempted to take one).
(It’s possible that I took two of our last batch of foster kittens to their new home in INDIANA, so…)
…don’t tempt me further.
(but actually, if it is possible that you’d be willing to transport them, when would they be ready and etc?)
As a semi-experienced kitten foster family, my very best advice is to invest in a little kitty nail clipper! You can trim the sharpest tips from their claws and it also gets them accustomed to being touched on their paws. My little neighbor always wanted to hold the kitties but would get upset because they were “too sharp” and it turned out to make me much happier too 🙂
+infinity to getting them used to having their feet touched. Diesel more-or-less-calmly deals with having his toes bothered and nails clipped regularly, because I’ve been doing it since he was a babycat, but Moa goes off the rails if you look at his toes cross-eyed, let alone approach them with clippers.
Oh yeah, I clip my adult cats’ nails all the time. We haven’t done it with the babies yet because there are larger issues like giving them meds every few hours and trying to keep them sort of clean after they roll in their food/litter. Maybe I’ll give it a shot tonight.
When I do mine, I get about 20% done in each round. Then it’s back to cleaning pee off the couch.
yes, it’s a triumph to get an entire paw clipped at once.
Oh my goodness. Sweet little babies!!!!
Oh my god. Don’t tempt me, but I’ll ask my other cat-inclined NYC friends. (My roommate has a dog who has responded negatively to other dogs but was chill with cats, but even so I don’t think I’d want to expose the tiny cute floofs to that stress, as much as they all call to me.)
I am following SO MANY kitten fosters on instagram and yet this still made me squeal. SOMEHOW I have not reached kitten capacity. I suspect there is no such capacity.
HMMMM maybe I should set up an instagram for them. Do they just post cute pictures all the time?
Basically, yes!! For an example, some of my favorites are: myfosterkittens (she has an 8-week old litter, and then a Mama cat who just gave birth Wednesday night, she posted pics/videos and it was fascinating and a little gross, but now they’re all SQUIRMY and WIGGLY), love.and.hisses (my favorite litter, ahhh), foster_kittens, and purrminators (who just recently got a mama with three babies).
Instagram is the best for cute animal stuff. My friend finally convinced me to get one for social reasons, but now 90% of my feed is adorable raccoons and kittens and foxes and it is so wonderful.
Here’s another photo of Lexa. You can tell she’s totally a fierce warrior, right? Especially since her eyes aren’t all the way open yet.
THOSE FEETS
oh my goodness what a tiny catbean
i fostered 2 litters last year and despite having fixed about 10 ferals/strays on my street, i’m kinda waiting around to see if kittens magically appear sometime soon.
also, i heard a rumor that if you’re fostering with a nonprofit org, your out-of-pocket costs are tax deductible. i verified this with my accountant this year, and so if that’s what you’re doing, save those food + litter receipts!
That is a true rumor! Unfortunately I am basically never in a position to itemize deductions on my taxes, so I just lump the cat costs/duties in with the max sum you can donate to a charity without itemizing. Which…I think is how it works?? Yikes maybe I’m doing it wrong.
I live nowhere near you, but I wanted to squee with you about how adorable they are. SO FLOOFY.
I hope they find their people, and I hope that you enjoy each other until that time.
Fostering is THE BEST because you get tiny kittens to play with for a few weeks and then you get to know that they are in awesome homes! And sometimes you become facebook friends with the new owners and get photo updates as they grow.
OH MY GOOOOODDDDD THEY ARE SO CUUUUTE
Our big cat got his yearly lion cut, and they cut charming little front-chaps on him, and he looks and feels so good right now!
He spent the first night recovering from the sedative and sulking, and then last night he was like “WOO CUDDLE HANG OUT TIME 4EVA” and was very happy I was having insomnia so we could cuddle/hang out all night. I think he’s waaay more comfortable after a nice short-back-and-sides. I also have a secret theory that he’s smart enough to realize that we put him in a carrier and took him to the vet for his own good, and is grateful, which is of course insane.
so cute!
Oh man, I would absolutely love to take one, but the other occupants of my apartment would be SO MAD if I brought home another cat (my original cat would be maddest of all.)
My friend in NY has been looking at getting another kitten (and I got her first kitten for her as a gift years ago, so this is fate). How can she get in contact with the right people about these cute kitties!!!
The organization is called Anjellicle Cats, but these three won’t be listed on their site until they’re 8 weeks old (so, about a month). At that point, they will be on the website, and I’ll be taking them to adoption events on the weekends. OR she can email me directly at llyfrgell at gmail, but even then I would recommend waiting 2 weeks or so to meet them.
I’ve fostered for this organization about six times and all of the kittens have been great, so even if none of these three are the right one for her, there will be others available! Heads up that they don’t adopt out single kittens unless the person has another animal at home.
Thanks!! I will pass on this on to her. She does not have any other pets currently, but I already told her to get two so they can play!!
Just have to say, best name for a cat rescue ever. (T.S. Eliot’s cat poems for the win).
&If you don’t mind, can I also send an email about potential interest in adopting?
Yes of course! Since you are not local, it’s probably best to go through me rather than the org – though if it goes forward they will ask for an adoption application and fee, etc etc.
I wasn’t really expecting so much genuine interest! It’s been surprisingly difficult to convince people in the past.
Am still somewhat irked with one cat who 1) peed on the bed Wednesday and 2) peed on the mattress pad after I had stripped the bed on Thursday, leading me to say “fuck it, I’m just going to sleep on the couch,” where I set three alarms for an Important Thing this morning and NONE OF THEM WENT OFF. I have a card for my vet’s “cat behavioral specialist” but aside from being stressed to the max, I keep thinking I should wait until this being-professionally-organized stint wraps up, since I’m assuming that adds extra stress? idk.
But bookshelf cat continues her quests!
But where are the books?
Where are the SHELVES?
Soon, sweetie.
So, last week I asked for dog vs rabbit advice and was leaning heavily towards the dog side, but we went to a rabbit adoption event and talked to a bunch of rabbit owners and fell in love with a pair of tiny rabbits who were rescued from a fire! Meet Tula & Bunkins:
Edited to fix embedding and add: Thanks to the pro-rabbit commenter last week!
WOWOWOWOOW what babes!
PRECIOUS BUNS
Awwww WABBITS! I had bunnies growing up and although I am a dog lover through and through there is something about a lolloping bunny butt that makes me feel safe and loved.
oh dear lord they are the cutest!!
I had a rabbit for my high school/college years and she was really great. She wasn’t super keen on like sitting around with me and hanging out but she liked saying hello and licking my forehead and for a while we trained her to come with a specific whistle (using bananas; bananas were her favorite and experiencing rabbits eat banana is one of the best things in life). She loved running up the stairs (never back down) and nibbling cloth.
Now whenever I’m discarding stuff like strawberry tops or the ends of vegetables it’s a little disappointing because I’m not also giving my rabbit a treat.
RABBITS! They’re adorable.
Adorable. Are the they same sex? if so just keep an eye on them. In grad school we got two girl bunnies (they can be friends!! It will be so cute!!), and after one midnight trip to the Cornell emergency vet school for a large hairless patch on the back of ones neck we were told that females get territorial, and one was biting the fur off the other. Got two cages, and they lived happily, separately, ever after.
I’m having trouble gearing myself up to ask for letters of recommendation. I think maybe I’ll write the “please recommend me!” emails over the weekend and then send them on Monday, but ugh. Anyone else get uncomfortable with this sort of thing?
Yes! Recommendations/references are the worst! I hate asking for favours in the first place. But also I hate people knowing about my plans before I have them worked out. (What if it all goes wrong??) So having to ask somebody to do me a favour in which I also have to tell them about a plan that isn’t yet guaranteed…
I also write emails in advance and send them later. But with the added step of getting up and running away from the computer as soon as I hit send.
Yup! Also immediately closing all tabs, then re-opening the browser and scrolling through FB to distract myself from the awkwardness.
I get that discomfort too — I think sometimes it’s out of anticipation. Like, worst case scenario, someone will just say no and you’ll move on to someone else. But the waiting to write/send/hear back is agonizing.
Sometimes I find I feel WAY better if I just make myself call/text/email instead of spending another night worrying about making myself doing it.
Best of luck!
YUP, those emails are the worst, and I also do the “write an email and send it days later” thing.
You are not alone! Asking for letters is stressful and always feels like an imposition, but it’s also just part of the job on the letter-writer’s part.
I think the thing that’s helped me the most was getting asked to write letters of recommendation for other people, and pretty much always finding myself feeling pretty great about it, provided I had enough time and the student wasn’t flaky with the forms/prompts/upload links (or provided clear communication about when those things were going to be forthcoming, since sometimes you can’t get an upload link until the application is submitted). The biggest thing for me was getting enough warning ahead of time, which made me waaaaay more motivated to communicate with *my* letter-writers in an aggressively timely fashion.
I love your username. Good luck with acquiring recommendations!
Thanks! Yours is pretty on-point as well 🙂
That was/is always hard for me. Now that I’m old enough that I’ve been on the other side of the fence a bunch of times, I can tell you that I’ve always been flattered when people ask me for letters of recommendation. I also see it as sort of a professional responsibility to help people along in their careers/education.
Providing some information that people can use in their letters is always useful – either a resume or some information about the program/job you’re applying for, so that they can tailor their letter appropriately. Follow up with a thank you card.
Good luck! 🙂
LTR breakup update in the reply, with 100% more projects and 100% less contact with ex.
I went no-contact with Bex a little over a week ago. I have received and proffered no emails, no texts, no calls, no accidental-on purpose bumping into each others, no mutual friends halpfully passing messages back and forth.
Things that I have learned tempt me to break my own boundaries:
Occasional wracking grief. I still haven’t found anything that compares to being held while I cry. I don’t have anyone to do that. On the other hand, Bex hasn’t been the right person to do that for me since the breakup, and his conversational approach to sadness has changed to approximately what I would deploy with an acquaintance.
Anxiety. Bex is a problem-solver, not plagued with anxiety himself, and *solid*. While a some people find problem-solving obnoxious, I found it calming. I’m still struggling with how to turn down the levels on my stress hormones by myself when I’m flooded with anxiety. It takes me a lot longer to get to the point where I can start solving the problem on my own (which, I know, will get better with practice, BUT). There’s some tendency for me to start getting anxious again as soon as I reapproach the problem. And the problems I’m dealing with right now include things like adequate work and long-term housing– they can’t be deferred indefinitely.
Thing that have kept me from breaking my own boundaries:
Recognizing that Bex isn’t better at everything than I am. Bex was lousy at hearing and sitting with my anger. Actually, he was actively counter-productive at it. I’m better at handling it on my own, or with friends, or with kind internet acquaintances.
Stubbornness. So, my parents have been in an unhappy marriage for coming up on 50 years. This did a lot of things to and for my brain and my value set. Part of the reason the relationship with Bex lasted through the last 2 1/2 years of OW was that I learned young to prize commitment and to treat happiness as comparatively negotiable. I expect that there will be payoffs to sticking with something that is difficult, be it a relationship or a decision to go without contact, and I expect them not to be clear from the outset.
Past experience. Moving away, physically, has been effective in the past at keeping me from fixating on relationship loss. Part of that is probably that there’s a lot of other change going on simultaneously, which means the relationship doesn’t have as much brain space. But I expect part of it is also that moving increases the amount of effort it takes to stay in contact.
The pain of cleaning out email folders I currently use. Seeing Bex’s real name hurts right now, and results in me actively missing him, even if I don’t open the old message before moving or discarding it. If I do open it, that feeling is amplified. I expect that, if even extremely indirect contact is hurtful and counterproductive right now, more direct contact would be worse.
NaPoWriMo. I have 30 poems to write this month, and I’m a day behind. There is no time to waste on doing things I explicitly said I wouldn’t do.
Handkerchiefs. I’ve now completed four, and I have materials for approximately 20 more.
Library due dates. I want to read all the books that The Novel Cure recommended, plus all the nonfiction books that Toasties recommended, and they’re not going to read themselves.
Increasing hours at work! My co-secretary was hired away by a presidential campaign (which was lucky to get her, as she is multi-lingual, social media-savvy, and possessed of enough initiative to have started and kept afloat an international nonprofit in her late 20s). So I’ll be getting some of her projects and some of her hours. (This will also help with the food security thing.)
More contact with other humans. I apparently have to get above my current baseline level of human interaction (breakfast with housemates) before I stop feeling like I need to be indirectly reassured, by the fact of participating in a conversation, that I actually exist. (Yeah, this is material for therapy.)
Getting more fat in my diet. I’ve been having a lot of beans, grains, and root vegetables (because I can afford them) and leafy vegetables (because they grow well and we still have some in the yard and in the freezer). But eating and then being hungry two hours later– that is a recipe for nagging anxiety. I can’t afford to eat what I’ve portioned out for dinner / tomorrow. Finding ways to add fat seems to help. (I had an appointment scheduled with a nutritionist this week, but she was out sick. SO BUMMED.)
Thank you. You are inspirationally good at choosing just the right gif.
Are the poems something you’d want to share?
That sounds like a really wonderful project, particularly after a breakup.
Contemplating it, though I’m a little internet shy with work. I’ve shared them on the Captain Awkward forums, which feels somewhat less public (a person has to log in, in order to read there).
Edited to add: Thank you for asking. That makes me feel warm and fuzzy.
Toasties, give me strength for this coming weekend, where my mother-in-law and her boyfriend are coming to stay with us in our house. They are coming to help with DIY (some re-wiring, painting, furniture making and lots of gardening), which as our baby is due in less than three weeks, is very, very helpful and I am very, very grateful.
However, let me explain my anxiety… on the Sunday, MrSmee and I have childbirth classes all day long and his mum and her boyfriend will continue working on the garden etc. while we’re out. Lovely! But, last time they were alone in a house (MrSmee’s sister’s house), they redecorated the entire living room and bought new furniture as a SURPRISE. We were on holiday with MrSmee’s sister, and her mum was staying at the sister’s house looking after niece and nephew and that’s when they redecorated. As. A. Surprise. Painted the walls, ceiling, skirting boards, fireplace wood surround and got new curtains, lampshade, armchair and pouffe. Again – as a COMPLETE SURPRISE.
Am I the only one who thinks this is bonkers. Is this bonkers??
This is absolutely undoubtedly bonkers.
Will they have time to do a similar surprise, or do they have enough other things to keep them busy & make them feel like they’re doing something for you (something ACTUALLY nice, in this case)? Or can the sister or some other party gently suggest that now is not a good time for a “nice surprise?”
Yes my plan is to have the world’s longest to-do list! And also to have MrSmee double check there will be no surprises. Sister-in-law pretended huge gratefulness when she came back from holiday and then a week later phoned her mum to confess that actually, she really wished she had been consulted first, and mother-in-law LOST IT and had a rant about being ungrateful etc.
There’s a battle we have each time she visits anyway, where she arrives with unsuitable baby clothes as a present – the baby has been diagnosed with talipes (club foot) and while the treatment (which is great these days) is ongoing, can’t wear clothes with feet. So, guess what clothes she brings? She literally handed me a pair of leggings (there’s a period of treatment where the legs are in plaster casts so can’t use those either) and said, “I know you can’t use these but they were really cute so I got them”. And they are cute. But… My baby won’t be able to wear them!
Thanks for the advice and also thanks everyone else who has confirmed bonkers behaviour. I feel like it’ll be alright as they’re coming mainly for the garden, and it is such a mess out there that even if they go mad and install some kind of rockery or something, it will still, probably, be better than the current mud pit?!?
“I know you can’t use these but they were really cute so I got them”.
O.o
Wow, yeah she’s bonkers. Really weird. She clearly has more emphasis on her own emotional reward of giving, rather than the recipient’s emotional reward of receiving. Giving is great, but it’s not supposed to be all about making the giver feel good! It’s supposed to be about the recipient!
Copying and pasting your analysis of her to my sister in law – you’re exactly right!!!
I think it’s a pretty common thing, where the gifter is giving for their own benefit. I’m sure I’ve done it too. Probably a lot of wedding and baby gifts not from the registry are like that as well. “I know you registered for towels, but I just had to get this stained glass owl lamp for you.” Thaaaanks, that will be so handy when I get out of the shower every single morning.
I notice it too when someone is trying to comfort another person. Maybe I will be upset and crying and I just want to be left alone (like when my cat died), and someone else insists on coming to my messy house and talking with me and making me spend time with them when I would rather be in bed. And I have to remind myself “They’re just trying to help, be nice to them, they need to feel like they’re being helpful.” But occasionally I think “This isn’t about them, it’s about ME! Why do I have to be nice to them??” I have to remember that when it’s my turn to comfort someone, and I think I know the way to do it, but they have their own preferences.
Thank you for giving me a useful way to frame my mom’s giftiness.
I think with her it’s more that she just can’t comprehend not getting joy from giving/receiving, but I am still feeling guilty for finally drilling into her that no, partner does not want a million gadgety things and is actively made anxious by giving/receiving gifts. This Christmas I explained this to her yet again, and straight up gave her back the things we wouldn’t used.
She claimed it was ok, but she was obviously hurt. And while I feel bad about that, she learned the lesson, so I think things will be less uncomfortable for everyone in the future. (Him not having to pretend to be grateful for things he genuinely doesn’t want, me not feeling bad because I don’t want him to feel bad but I also don’t want my mom to feel bad, her not feeling bad or spending more money than she needs to on things we’re just going to Goodwill.)
I’ve been the gifter too. I had one friend in particular whose family had a culture that receiving a gift meant you were now obliged to give a gift in return. So every time I gave her something, she just had a burden of guilt and even resentment about that burden, and it didn’t allow her to enjoy the gift (even if it was just a $2 secondhand paperback that she had wanted). We finally managed to understand each other and reach a middle ground.
Come to think of it, that’s how a lot of big donors work too. “I want to donate money to start a sports program at the orphan school!”
“Oh, that’s very generous, it’s just that, what would you think about sponsoring a medical clinic instead? Or we would love to set up a library?”
“No, a giant gymnasium with my name on it! That’s what I will give you. Sports! I love sports. They will love sports too.”
For one of my gal friends, her in-laws surprised them by choosing and buying the engagement ring when her husband proposed! Without asking the couple’s opinion at all, just “Ta da, here’s a ring for you!” (She loves it now after years of wearing it, but at the time they were both rather disappointed.)
That is the most bonkers of all to me. Why insert yourself in the private decision they are making to create a family (somewhat) distinct from you?
I know! And it’s such a once-in-a-lifetime and forever thing! A symbol of their love! Like someone saying “Surprise, I wrote your wedding vows!” or “Here you go, I just wrote a love letter from you to your fiancee, sign your name here.” Or even “I just proposed to your fiancee on behalf of you and she said yes! You’re welcome.”
that. is. bonkers. and I would be freaked out too. I have nothing useful to say but I wish you luck!
So so bonkers! I can’t imagine anybody who would want their house redecorated as a surprise! Even if you knew for sure that they hated the current decor, wouldn’t you think that maybe they might want to pick out the new stuff? That maybe they already had some idea of how they want it to look?
Aaaah, they must have thought they were doing something like those reality decorating makeover shows? Like Changing Rooms / Trading Spaces / Groundforce etc? Did they at least chose tasteful things? I think you should just tell them “No surprises, ok? I mean it.” But there can’t be too much they can get finished in that short amount of time, even all day, since they are only two people.
Not gonna lie, I loved those shows. Handy Andy!
Well, what’s irritating is when they arrived at the sister’s house, they asked casually, “so what are your plans for the living room if you ever redecorate?” And sister replied, “well it doesn’t get much light so I want to paint the walls white, keep the fireplace wooden, get some bright curtains and just keep everything else the way it is”. So, they painted the walls mid-grey, painted the fireplace wood white, got beige curtains and changed the furniture.
Oh no! That’s so cruel!
If someone painted my wood trim, I would CUT THEM.
That seems extra bonkers. Ask what a person wants, do something completely different, then be mad when they are not suitably grateful.
It’s bonkers. My mom is exactly the same and it’s exhausting/infuriating trying to manage her. Good luck!
100% bonkers with a 75% chance of also being absolutely bananas. I hope nothing bad happens to your place!
MrSmee needs to put it to his mum. “I love you and I know you love me. So please make me a solemn promise. Promise me I will experience not one bit of surprise when I return. It’s all I ask. Please will you promise?”
Haha! This is a good idea and I will make him say such a thing. He is up to the task so that’s good anyway…
Could you also use the pregnancy thing to hammer it home? Like, smeesmeesmee doesn’t need any stress LIKE ANY UNEXPECTED REDECORATING stick to the to-do list or you don’t get to see the baby. (too extreme?)
Bonkers. Probably kindly meant, but still bonkers.
Oh my god, do they think they’re in Changing Rooms? Wither Carol Smilie?
Was your sister-in-law similarly horrified? If so, perhaps she could come and act as a Restraining Hand? Alternatively can MrSmee have a long talk with them and explain that given that the baby is 3 weeks away, you do not need any sudden, unplanned interior decoration changes right now (or ever…)
Carol Smilie!! Handy Andy and all.
Sister lives in Exeter, and if you see my reply to Emily, I describe her reaction to the redecoration in a bit more detail… Things are a bit touchy between them now so don’t want to ask her to get involved, but I think MrSmee pre-managing her might be the way to go. I hope.
100% bonkers, 100% something my mom would do.
For example, my parents came to visit me for the first time at a new apartment. My gf at the time let them in while I was at work, but then planned to run some errands or something.
So, when I came back from work, my gf greeted me at the door with the phrase, “Okay, don’t be mad…..” My mom had enlisted the help of my dad and gf to rearrange the furniture of the place. I totally just rolled my eyes and was like, “Oh yeah, she loves to design my place how she likes it.” and my mom was like, “You can move it all back when I leave, but just look at it like this.”
I know that sounds bonkers, but of all the boundary-crossing things a mom could do, it feels tame to me. And she’s good at knowing when she’s crossed the line. And good at listening when I say things like, “I know you think buying me a new winter coat right after you got me xmas gifts is just a kind gesture. But it makes me feel small and like you see me as a little girl who can’t take care of herself. Can you just respect that space?” and she’s like, “Yep, if it’ll make you feel better.”
So I think if your husband (or even you, if you feel like you can) said, “it was so nice you took on that project for sister-in-law, but that would stress me out if you did that here. I know you only want to help, so thank you. The best help you could do is not landscape the yard in your own vision–even though I’m sure your vision would be incredible looking.”
Oh yeah, that’s like my dad taking my car to be repaired. It is super handy to have family nearby for helpful rides when I am a one-car singleton and my car has to go in the shop, but I’m also a fully grown woman, so it rankled when the mechanic kept calling my dad to tell him “Your daughter’s car needs this and that, it’s going to cost this much, can I go ahead with that?” “Your daughter’s car will be ready to pick up tomorrow,” etc. It’s the closest mechanic (and the only one within towing distance) but I ended up choosing a different one just so I could avoid that patriarchal rigmarole.
Also, I saw a French movie where a couple were renovating an old crumbling cottage in the country to be their vacation house. The husband was glad that at least his father was too old and frail to come visit and lend a hand. But they arrived to find that his dad had paid to have the bathroom completely redone, all modern and clean and new plumbing, but it was entirely bubblegum pink! They were both so annoyed, and it was hideous, but it was also the only room in the cottage that was clean and in perfect working order, so it became a kind of refuge.
So apparently it’s not an uncommon thing, the surprise redecorating gift?
With a friend like Harry (Harry, un ami qui vous veut du bien).
Good movie too, kind of Hitchcock-ish!
That is bonkers.
Just thinking about that makes me want to set the whole place on fire. Not bonkers. I would say beforehand, “I am so thankful for your presence. I remember when you redid sister’s room and I just want to say, I think it looked great but please leave everything in our home as is for now! (besides the garden stuff they’re doing)”
I would freak the fuck out if that happened to me. FREAK THE FUCK OUT. Omg.
Do you have a friend who “wants to help” but is only available during the time you’ll be out, who can put the smack down on her if she tries anything crazy? Someone who could say “You know, Smee and I were just talking about that the other day, and she really hates that. She’d love XXX though!”
“Paint fumes make her feel nauseated with the whole pregnancy thing right now! And she doesn’t really want a gray and beige nursery.”
I’d classify that as nonconsensual Trading Spaces. Someone needs to put a shock collar on Hildi.
The hay wall…… Good god
That is completely bonkers! Touching up chipped paint or buying one new item – nice, although a bit odd and possibly boundary-crossing. A complete redecoration is bizarre.
COMPLETELY BONKERS.
Moving tomorrow aaaaaaaaahhhhh. It’s 2016, why do we not yet have the technology to instantly teleport all our belongs, neatly arranged, into new homes? Why do I actually have to put time and effort into packing, transporting and unpacking? Gah!
My upcoming move and I extend our deepest, sincerest empathy.
It seems like with all of us Toasties moving, we ought to be able to come up with a solution to this horrible problem.
The one thing I’m excited about is that I got a Groupon for scanning 1000 photos for $20 (plus mailing and whatever, but still) so I’m going to empty those drawers of disorganized photos from the pre-digital years and very few of them will survive to the new place, and it’s such a calming thought. So, as a spur to finally deal with emotion-laden clutter, I’m happy I’m moving, but otherwise: SO MUCH STUFF.
I’m moving next weekend, although the landlord gave us the okay to do a “soft move” this weekend for pictures/books/etc. which does help. We also hired movers for the big furniture pieces because our lovely new apartment has exterior concrete stairs and I’m not looking to add hospital bills to the equation. That being said, how have I managed to fit so much crap into a 900 sq. ft. shotgun? Am I secretly Mary Poppins? When do I get my umbrella?
Moving tomorrow, but in four parts: five bags of stuff to donate to the Sally Ann, four boxes of books to donate to the library, THEN six boxes and a few small pieces of furniture to the new place, THEN my bed and some other things are going into storage at my mother’s house, a 3 hours’ drive away. Get the truck at 10am, hoping to be at my mom’s by 6pm. Wish me luck.
I really wish I had put more energy into my grandiose plans to consign a bunch of clothing, sell things on Craigslist, and properly downsize the rest of my belongings. As it is, I am pretty pleased with the not-insignificant things I’m able to donate. But I’m horrified at how much stuff I have left over. What is wrong with me, why is my wardrobe so large? I’ve been living off a quarter of it for the last few months but I still can’t get rid of things I never use.
I moved last week, so I send out all my good thoughts to you folks about to do it. We had great movers and our only issue was our queen sized box spring didn’t fit up our stairs. So we had to buy a split queen. Which I didn’t know existed until they were monkeying around in the stairwell.
This is really the question for our time. We need to stop dithering around with this Mars business and make teleportation happen.
Toastfriends in the US, or who have to follow US news because we are a terrible hegemon, how are you balancing staying informed & staying sane during this election? Is it possible?
i have taken to dramatically refusing to read any articles / engage with election news for short stints of time. even when it only lasts a day or two before i get cranky enough to engage again, it reminds me that i am in fact in control of what media i consume! i don’t have to think about displeasing people who wish to be president unless i choose to!
Short answer: I don’t really know, but quitting Facebook helped. I know not everyone can/wants to quit FB (and I’m still on other social media), but this has helped me a lot. Also positioning myself in the gym so I can’t see the CNN screens.
I’m an avid news-reader/watcher, so for me it really is about cutting out certain things, rather than seeking out better sources: I’m not concerned that I won’t be informed, and slowly realizing that “informed” might not mean the level of saturation that I think it does, if that makes sense.
this is a good point; if I think of “informed” as “how much do I need to know to potentially take some action or change my mind on something?” that’s….not a huge amount of information.
I have opted out of facebook in order to survive the election too! Solidarity.
Sticking my head in the stand and/or yelling & making dark jokes on twitter.
Honestly, I’ve cut out watching all news/debates and stuck to only reading pieces from Jamelle Bouie at Slate and listening to Slate’s political podcasts. I know Slate is awful and terrible, but the Political Gabfest, Whistlestop, and Trumpcast give me just enough to stay informed and not enough to just rage at the gods 24/7
I limit my news intake to written formats only. And I refuse to read anything about anyone running for office. Sometimes I read a headline. But never more than that.
I work in politics, and I’m only paying attention to statewide races and below! It is a small blessing.
Hi! I am a lurker.. despite being squarely a Millenial I’ve had a long aversion to joining/participating in online communities. And even more so, despite the fact that I’ve read the Toast since its inception and reading the comments has become a regular part of my online habits and all are wonderful. Absurd. Time to plunge, dive in.
I’m American living in Germany, and I’ve found so very helpful getting my news from the daily BBC Newshour podcast. It blocks out the absurdity and satiates the inner news-junkie while retaining the most important bits. I’m still a relatively recent expat and thus very much in the honeymoon stage of global citizenship, but gosh it is refreshing and to really put US shizzat in context with what is happening in the rest of the world.
You can’t stay informed and stay sane in this election. No. I was too informed and now I’m burnt out and just avoiding everything election related until January. I’m taking this opportunity to learn more about foreign news stories.
Echoing a lot of other folks here, I’ve mostly checked out. “Trump/Cruz/whoever says horrible thing” is not the headline on a story that will improve my life, and I’m more interested in self-care than being 100% up-to-date on every monstrous action taken by that menagerie.
Yeah, I think my issue is that I see those headlines on twitter or facebook, scroll right past em just fine, but then even after a day of that I don’t want to read a Real Article and feel like I know all these superficial things & jokes about the election but nothing substantive. Keyword blocking is probably the really clunky solution?
I started out by blocking a bunch of folks of Facebook, but have since upgraded to severely restricting my social media consumption in general. It’s one thing to be informed on the news, it’s another thing to be emotional because people I otherwise love and respect are posting things that I find stupid/disagreeable/downright racist.
I have also instituted a policy of Just Not Talking About It with people other than a very select few. Like, I know my brother is a vehement Bernie supporter who has posted some awful anti-Hillary stuff online. I’m… just not going to engage! Because we are NOT going to change each other’s minds! Really we’re not! And exchanging links/memes on Facebook is not actually productive!
That being said I have/will continue to give $$ to Hillary/the DNC to try to stop the Republicans, because holy crap.
I listen to NPR during my drive to and from work, which is only fifteen minutes. I supplement that with the Skimm newsletter (every morning, hits all the important points). That’s it.
I’m not– just researching methods to launch myself into the sun
#1: Give yourself permission to disengage. I have now left long replies on some (respectful!) political threads on facebook, but I have also just plain disappeared from those threads after a day or two, because detailed debating is Work, and hey, it’s the weekend.
#2: Read nothing more than the headlines on articles about Republicans saying nasty shit, and resolve to Not Think About It Yet. Republicans saying terrible things is not news, I really don’t need to know every. single. terrible. thing. they say.
#3: Be selective with your news sources. For myself, I really like shakesville.com (Melissa McEwan does really good In The News roundups, as well as good articles breaking down and calling out the more subtle patterns of racism/sexism/douchebaggery in politics). Feel no shame in your selectiveness! If you are feeling brave, I’m sure anti-whoever-you-support fans will be happy to link you to articles expounding the other side! (If they haven’t already spammed facebook with them!)
I have cut way down on my news consumption outside of the John Oliver/Samantha Bee/Daily/Nightly Show cycle, and whatever I half hear getting ready in the morning. I’m never on Facebook much, but on my other main internet hangout, I’ve tried to get out as soon as things look too intense–a couple of my favorite people had a big fight, one took some time off, and basically my main emotion about Hillary and Bernie right now is I just want people I like not to be mad at each other about it.
here, have a new mean jeans song: “michael jackson was tight”
that’s all i have the energy for today. my boyfriend got laid off and it’s his last day at work and i’m sad i won’t get to see him every day and walk back to the train together and commute in with him on the days we sleepover and all that jazz. i’m going to see him less and that feels like a step backward. and also: this is the second round of layoffs at my job and i am tired of feeling like my job is in jeopardy. time to start actively searching. everything just seems like a giant sack of centipedes. i’m visiting my parents this weekend and i hope i can get out of my funk there.
Does anyone have any advice for dealing with rejection? I got waitlisted by my first choice college and rejected by my state colleges reu. I can’t help but feel inadequate now, which is reasonable in the case of the college, but makes less sense for the reu, since I was fairly under qualified in the first place, andesire several of my more accomplished classmates also got rejected.
Hey! I was rejected from my first and second choices for colleges and it sucked. I cried so hard I was shaking. And it does suck and college admission sucks and we don’t have any way to fix it. I journaled and watched Audrey Hepburn movies and hung out with friends and read Jane Austen and listened to Carly Rae Jepsen and collaged. I’m still doing that. I decided I was going to fall in love with all the schools I did get into and think about all the badass people who went there and be happy about it. When I was deferred from my top school people gave me a lot of advice that I couldn’t really hear. So my advice is let yourself be sad and keep doing the things you love because both of those things help. *hugs*
thanks, I’ve been trying to get back into my old hobbies and interests as a sort of recourse. I think I’m actually more upset with the waitlisting than I woiluldve been with a solid rejection, because I’m still hanging on by a thread whereas if I’d been rejected straightforwardly I probably would’ve just gotten really into my second choice. Whenever I talk to my classmates about it they’re like, you have a chance! So a large aspect of this is just the fact that people want me to stay hopeful, when I probably need to move on. Your advice is actually super helpful with regards to like the actual disappointment that I’m currently feeling, so thank you.
Augh, I hate when I’m doubtful and other people try to make me hopeful. “Oh, I know you’ll get in.” “You’re going to win, I’m sure.” “Of course they’ll pick you, don’t worry! This time next year you’ll be living in X!” No, you don’t know that! I don’t know why it bothers me, but it does. But yeah, drawing it out and leaving you hanging is rough.
Rejection is so hard! But it’s actually something I wish I had experienced earlier and more in life so I would have learned to deal with it better. Life is weird, and it’s not like movies. In movies, people all get happy news and just what they want or better, and it’s awesome and the movie ends. In real life, people get rejected all the time, or their dreams get crushed and they have to take second or third best… but I’m learning that that’s ok. That’s what nearly everyone’s life is actually like. I’m glad that I’m now seeing more articles dealing with rejection, or what to do when your life plans don’t work out, or how to live a content life without striving for amazing (which is where I am now. I don’t want to be amazing anymore. I just want to be quiet and content.)
Anyway, no real answer for you, except that I hope it’s comforting that almost everyone experiences it at some time. And it sucks, but the sad feeling doesn’t last forever, and hopefully whatever comes along later will turn out to be what was best for you. That’s what I believe (and that God controls it, so he knows what’s good for me).
Edit: Sorry, I just reread what I wrote and it sounds awful. I don’t know. But I’m sorry you got rejected, and I am not good at dealing with it myself.
nah, this is actually really relevant to my situation. A large part of the reason I’m so hung up on this is because I keep on seeing the waitlisting as a possible way out. But in reality it’s probably just a method of not actually coping with the possibility of not getting this thing which I’ve really wanted for a long time. I’ve been dealing with the same feelings for a while so your post is really great. It’s a huge relief to know that other people are also experiencing these things
Yeah, I think everyone goes through it at some point (or many times). You’re not alone! And not everybody else is going to be surpassing you in accomplishing all their dreams and being a perfect specimen of themselves. I’m still getting over something I was rejected for about 5 years ago, which I had tried for and worked for for YEARS, driving my life choices and my health and my money, and jumping through so many hoops.
Also, it’s comforting to me at least, to listen to “You can’t always get what you want.” It’s so true! And it’s a great song. And it’s a popular song because EVERYONE can identify with it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OagFIQMs1tw
Guys, when we’re YOU the bad ex?
I dated a guy for months who seriously adored me and I was never more than “eh” about, and I broke up with him by waking him up at 6am after a party when he was still drunk and telling him I never liked him all that much.
It has been MANY YEARS and I am feeling somewhat badly about this? Like…I was fairly nasty about it and I felt bad, but not badly enough that I necessarily want to reach out to apologize? I don’t know, I have a lot of feelings about how badly Past Me acted.
eh, i don’t know about bad, but except for one guy, i was always the dumper, not the dumpee, and they were…not happy, and i was rarely very apologetic. eh.
i had a Bad Breakup almost four years ago, and i have had no romantic success since then– newest theory is that she Cursed Me since i broke her heart… so perhaps coming up with a silly way you think he cosmically got his revenge will feel helpful?
I dated a couple of guys in high school because they were safe and boring and I was super-closeted. And then I dumped them abruptly and coldly because I got bored. And then I decided that maaaaaaybe I shouldn’t be dating guys after all…
I did this too, although much later in life… whoops.
I did this one time to a guy whose virginity I took, so uh. Unless you have a pattern of stringing people along and dumping them callously I wouldn’t worry about it. Or maybe if you strung him along for YEARS that might be a different story and would require an apology. But it doesn’t sound like either of those things happened.
I dated an 18 yr old when I was 15/16 and he was a nice, kind, mature gentleman and I was 15. So when he started talking about if we wanted to do long distance while he was in college I just totally pulled a fade away and ignored him in favor of my other friends and my lack of maturity really hurt him.
And yeah, I was 15, but I knew what I was doing was mean. He’s engaged now and working at a job he likes so clearly I didn’t ruin his life but I still feel bad that I didn’t have the maturity to just say “I don’t want to deal with serious stuff I can’t even pass Spanish.”
Past me was an asshole. Like, I was a seriously terrible person. It’s been…god, nearly 20 years since I realized I needed to cut that shit out and I still occasionally cringe. It is what it is, and honestly, probably best that I still feel a little bad sometimes. As long as it’s informing and not damaging your current and future interactions with friends and partners, I think that’s just the appropriate price we pay for being jerks.
Totally agreed. I occasionally writhe with horror at the thought of the shitty ways I treated past boyfriends, even those ones who treated me badly right back, and really the only way to get through it is to promise yourself you are no longer going to behave like that. Were he ever to confront you about it, then having the grace to own up to your actions and apologise would definitely be the right thing, but I think you’re right not to reach out.
I was often the bad ex! Usually of the forever clingy type, but sometimes also of the cruel type. I just deal with it by knowing that I was growing and figuring things out, and by not holding too many grudges against others for being bad exes. I had several conversations at my 10-year college reunion that basically went, “I’m so sorry for all that shit,” ‘yeah, it’s cool, we were kids!” (I was on each side of it at various times.)
hgggghhhhhhh I was such a late bloomer I worry about not having figured out a bunch of how-to-not-be-an-asshole stuff still now in my late 20s. I still have trouble expressing my feelings when they are not what the other person wants to hear, which does indeed end up making me the asshole sometimes. So like just recently I had a dude who was like head over fucking heels for me and it was magical, but also kind of scary, and I wanted to say no but had a really hard time saying NO so tl;dr he ended up getting real hurt because he kept hearing “maybe” when I was trying my damndest to say NO. I feel bad about that one, but you can’t date someone just because they reeeaaally really wanted to date you, so.
Ah yes, that’s me with every guy I dated before actually meeting someone I felt the same way about.
I STILL get the occasional urge to apologise to people I dated like 10 years ago for being a shitty girlfriend. It takes more self-awareness than I had from 15-22 to realise that “you like me a lot more than I like you” is a perfectly cromulent reason to just break up with someone, and a lot more self-confidence to actually do it. It’s way easier to do the “say a thing that implies maybe” while slowly fading away…
ooof, i hear you on the late-bloomer thing. i basically did high school/college partying/dating in my 20s and now i’m almost 30 and also almost 24.
Hoo boy, yes, I basically experienced my adolescence from 22-26, and, well, it’s been a ride.
I broke up with a guy I was hot-and-heavy with for about a month after realizing I was still in love with my ex (now current boyfriend of 5ish years). I 100% bungled our breakup and somehow managed to incorporate every cliche line AND a Jimmy Carter reference, but that guy just got engaged so I don’t feel that bad anymore.
ohhhh I’ve ghosted more times than is probably healthy.
Me too. Mostly early enough in that I don’t think it’s really a problem, but once with a guy that I’d gotten a smidge to far with for ghosting to really be ok and I still have moments where I feel guilty (but not enough to reach out and say so cause that would be weird).
I was the one who ended my first marriage. For the best, I did it the wrong way. Every now and again (18 years later) I will have a flashback memory (usually induced by something from the grunge radio station) and I will literally feel ashamed of myself for a minute. Then it goes away and I remind myself that I’m in a good place now.
I don’t know if that’s comforting, in any other way than “you’re not alone.”
I was a bad rejected suitor? I had this huge unrequited crush from ages 19-22ish, and was extremely ungracious about the rejection of my suit. I continued to press it, and got very guilt-trippy about each rejection.
I feel TERRIBLE about this! The chap in question was very sensible to have rejected me the first time, and every subsequent time, both because he really did not like me as much as I liked him, and because I was horrible. Now I wish him happy birthday on Facebook once a year, and worry about whether that is too much. I would love to be friends in a normal and sensible adult way, but fear I have given up my right to suggest this.
both because he really did not like me as much as I liked him, and because I was horrible.
we have this in common.
Sigh. Sad high-fives.
I once broke up with a guy in high school, about a week after Valentine’s Day (in fairness, because I thought dumping someone ON Valentine’s day would be worse). Bad.
Worse – We had tickets for a dance that I had asked him to, and I talked my other friend that was going to swap dates, so I brought the new guy I was interested in and she got to comfort my poor ex the whole night.
I once dumped a guy after 10 months because I realized I was far far far above him intellectually and I was so bored I was plotting a way to cheat on him with a former professor. It was better that than to actually cheat. (And actually I never got with the professor, but I did meet the legit love of my life a few months later and we’re equals intellectually and oh it just makes everything better.)
I still feel bad about kind of ghosting a guy in college, even pre-cell phone, although a big part of it was I was so tense about not being able to tell if he was actually physically attracted to me, and needing to know that was possible, and being totally unable to articulate any of that.
There was another guy on my hall freshman year who I never dated but apparently had a big crush on me, and the whole thing was so weird and confusing I’m not thrilled about how I handled it.
Oh man you guys, I’ve never been in the open thread this early, and with such exciting news!
I’m moving from Winnipeg to salt spring island bc at the end of the month! 2 days ago an old friend told me she has a job for me working on a farm 2 days a week for free room and board, and in my copious free time, I’ll be launching my career as a full time artist! (I’ll let you guys know even I have a web store and stuff).
I’ve saved up for eleven years working in stressful call center jobs, and now I can use that to do this, and I’m so excited. I’ll have my own trailer, and I’ll be surrounded by nature (like my mom and older sister in Alberta. Also, my mom just got 2 alpacas and 2 llamas and I’m going to turn their wool into yarn for fun)
Anyway, that’s all happening RIGHT after my 30th birthday. Like, I’m leaving the day after my goodbye/birthday party. Also, the fact that I’m leaving has caused the tinder girlI went on a date with (first lady-date 2 weeks ago, yeah!) Anyway, caused this girl to step up her game and we have another date in a few days! It might turn into a fling before I leave!
So many exciting things happening in my life!
Congratulations!! I love Salt Spring Island, and can only imagine how amazing it would be to live there.
That is amazing!
FULL TIME ARTIST! You are living the dream! Congrats!
This is amazing!!! Saltspring is the best, we’re having the nicest spring in BC, I’m so happy for you!
Oh! I live on Salt Spring! This is exciting! (I always assume that everybody online is impossibly far away.)
Yay! Please tell me all about how great it is, so I can think about that while I’m packing!
It’s pretty great. It’s quiet and there are lots of trees. It’s properly spring now, so everything is green. (The trees have a lot of lichen hanging from them, so people visiting in the winter assume that they’re all dead. But everything is clearly alive now.)
The rabbits are everywhere suddenly. Everybody hates them, because they eat everything, but I like watching them chase each other around the yard.
Sometimes there are wild ducks on my pond. I’m unreasonably excited about that. They’re really skittish though (unlike park ducks), so I’m always afraid I’m going to scare them away.
At night, the frogs are pretty loud: you can hear them inside with the windows closed. They’re clearly everywhere, but also, they’re really good at hiding, since I haven’t actually seen any frogs.
that sounds amazing, i am so pumped! thank you!
Salt Spring! Welcome to the west coast! I’m in Metro Van, but secretly dream of buying property on one of the islands to hermit away the rest of my days. Congrats on exciting life stuff!
Maaaaan Winnipeg to Salt Spring?! Now that’s an upgrade. Congrats!
Congratulations, that is magical and wonderful and I wish you all the best with the art and the alpacas and the move! GO YOU!
I’m having a hard day with a bunch of things, but this is the only one that I feel ridiculous about.
My 6 year-old DD got her haircut yesterday. She went, at her own request, from elbow length curls to “short like my mom’s” – shaved in back pixie cut. She looks adorable. She loves it. She is convinced that the kid at school who she wants to marry will also love it.
Every adult we have run into has absolutely taken her lead on her love of her haircut, because thank god they aren’t assholes to six year-olds. I am not sure how well I will take it if some six year-old decides to be a jerk.
Please tell me it’ll be okay.
it’ll be okay, 6 year olds can be jerks but if she loves her haircut and has gotten a whole bunch of positive feedback on it, I am sure she will remain positive. If somebody is a jerk, she will learn that some people are assholes. And it is good reinforcement of the ‘only positive comments about other people’s personal appearance’ rule (this is our house rule, as my daughter had an unfortunate habit of making VERY loud catty asides – she is one of the jerky 6 year olds you are worried about – but we are WORKING ON IT)
I have to keep reminding myself that children are a work in process, and that if my daughter’s fiance is a jerk about her hair, it’s not that we should write him off forever. Not *right* now.
But I’m also dealing with a know-it-all nine year-old who is definitely a really good kid under the ‘splainy obnoxiousness, and I feel sometimes like pleading with the entire world for patience while we teach him some advanced social skills.
I’m sure it’ll be fine. I had pixie cuts when I was that age, at my own request, and don’t recall ever getting shit from any of my peers, including my ex-future-husband, and that was in the 1980s.
I think it’s wonderful you let her choose her own haircut! I always wanted long hair and my mom would never let me because she said it wouldn’t look good on me, so I had a pixie cut forever. I got mistaken for a boy many times by adults. I don’t think any other kids were jerks about it though, including my 6 year old sweetheart. He didn’t care what I looked like. We just had fun playing.
Oof, yes. It is definitely snowing and really windy. I can’t WAIT for this day to end because this weekend I am going to gorge myself on MPS Film Fest films and finish hate-watching Love (I haven’t seen a lot of chat about it here or on twitter: would be interested to hear from anyone who was really into it).
I had (minor … ish?) surgery 3 weeks ago and my body is still EXHAUSTED, so I’m just going to get out of my own way this weekend and relax.
I feel like I get evangelical about the things no one tells you about surgery. Like anesthesia is a depressant and takes some time to bounce back from! And deliberate wounds are still wounds and you should rest!
But it basically comes out to “Please accept my gratuitous approval of your self-care plan!” It sounds like a good weekend, and should really help your recovery a lot.
Toasters! After a year of post graduation employment I just accepted a job in Richmond! So I have the following questions:
1) any advice about living in Richmond? I’d like to live somewhere young and happening, preferably diverse and not too boogie? If such a thing exists
2) my first real job also means my first real work wardrobe; I’m planning on trying to make a capsule wardrobe type thing from scratch (my parents gave me a budget for work clothes as a graduation gift); but any suggestions/advice for how to get the most quality for my dollar?
3) also my first real apartment! Advice on nesting/furnishing/decorating? I will be on a bit of a budget starting out but I don’t mind living out of boxes for a bit until my new salary kicks in, and engineering means I will have a bit of money to throw at home making
4) speaking of money, I want your boughs on budgeting! I have the basic ideas down but I never really had a steady income/I’ve always been dependent on my parents, so the actual implementation of my theoretical budget ideas might be a bit painful. But again I want to capitalize on the part where I’m still used to living like a student to eg max out my savings when I won’t miss the money
Any and all advice welcome, thanks in advance :))))
I feel like I’m some sleeper agent programmed to respond robotically whenever someone mentions the word budget, but …
YNAB! (www.youneedabudget.com)
Despite some recent changes to its software, YNAB is still the absolute 100% best budget software and method I’ve come across in a long decade+ of fretting over my inability to manage my money like an adult. Thanks to it, I now am able to manage my money like an adult.
For wardrobe tips: I’ve always found that neutral clothes and colourful accessories make for a really versatile wardrobe. ESPECIALLY if you choose one or two colour schemes and build around that. For me, it’s “black, white and red” or “black, grey and blue”. That way, I have the maximum number of outfits for the minimum number of dollars.
apartment furnishing advice: this is coming from someone who’s moved on average once a year for a decade. This advice is legit. For the first year after you move into a place, always look for stuff at the thrift store first, dollar store second, wal-mart or other big box store third. And the quickest way to make a place feel homey, hands down, is colourful scarves, christmas lights, and books on the shelves. Pick up some fun knick-knacks while you’re at the value village, put them on the shelves too. If you have some spare flat space like a windowsill you’re not doing anything with, arrange a few small things in a way that looks pretty to you. Little touches with cheap items will ALWAYS make a place feel like home 1000% quicker.
My mom’s motto is “Every color is a neutral if you work hard and believe in yourself”. But I agree on picking a color scheme, especially for something like a capsule wardrobe
I have definitely been doing color scheme planning. In case anyone else is interested, I found this website http://www.theviviennefiles.com/?m=1 (html is hard) to be really great for examples of building up a wardrobe and this one http://into-mind.com/blog/2014/08/25/how-to-choos… to have good advice about color schemes.
My favorite work pieces are from Marshalls/TJ Maxx/Kohl’s. You can get pretty good pieces for fairly cheap, and then spend the money you saved on clothes on a tailor to make them fit perfectly, especially if you’re doing a capsule wardrobe. Plus, knowing that everything can be tailored to fit you better also takes a lot of the stress out of the initial shopping trip.
My best adult apartment advice is to allow yourself to invest in a big statement piece that you love, and then fill in the blanks around it. Whether it’s a gorgeous sofa or a nice painting, it gives you something to work off of that you are confident about. If you focus too much on getting every little thing immediately, then (in my experience) you wind up with a bunch of stuff that you’re okay with but not actually excited about.
This is great advice and exactly he kind of attitude I want to be taking! Thanks
For furnishing, my best advice is to furnish and decorate the place as if you are going to really settle in, even if you know that you plan to leave in a year or two. In my experience, “a year or two” sounds like kind of a short time but ends up feeling like many long days living in a place that you never made quite suited to you.
I am so excited for you!
Thanks! Yeah I definitely want to commit to fully living in my new home. I was really depressed this fall, and pet of how I ended up pulling myself out of that headspace was by embracing my life in my hometown even bough it was supposed to be a short term living situation. Thanks, I’m really excited for me too!
*waves from two hours away in western Virginia*
So I only visit Richmond occasionally and my tips are therefore limited, but I love hanging out in Carytown with all my heart. It has cool thrift and consignment shops, my favorite bookstore (Chop Suey Books, with a tuxedo kitty named Wonton – check out their social media, he’s the best), and really good restaurants. It’s delightful.
Other than that, best of luck! Sometimes I think it would be fun to live in Richmond, do report back!
oh, and for furnishing… post-thrift stores, Craigslist, relatives hand-me-downs, et al – I’d go for Target and Ross/TJ Maxx/Home Goods type places for the essentials. And you can always take a weekend drive to the nearest IKEA (which is in Northern Va. – Woodbridge).
Home goods is literally my favorite store on the planet 🙂 thanks for the advice about carytown, it definitely seems like my kind of place, and I have already found some awesome restored historic apartments in the Fan :),
OK, I have a few thoughts on budgeting and “how do I money” for a person just starting out.
First, a budget is a spending plan. It’s not there to limit or punish you, it’s just to make sure you’re living within your means and not getting yourself into financial trouble.
Second, your employer can probably deposit your pay into multiple accounts if you want them to. You can take many approaches; here are two: Save $x and spend the rest: designate some amount to be deposited into savings each month; the rest of your pay goes into your checking account; Spend $y and save the rest: determine you need $y amount for basic monthly expenses and have that deposited to checking; the rest goes to savings. This distinction is less applicable when you’re salaried and get paid exactly the same amount each month.
Third, always put enough money into your 401(k) to receive the full match that your employer offers. That is FREE MONEY and you should never turn down FREE MONEY. If they match 50% of the first 7% you invest, then you invest at least 7%. Congrats, you just got 3.5% of your pay. If they match 100% of the first 2% you invest, then you invest at least 2%. Congrats, you just got 2% of your pay. Harness the power of compounding interest!
Always have money immediately on hand for emergencies. $1000 is probably a sufficient amount for a single person who lives in an apartment, unless you’re in a very high COL area in which case you may want to double. Have at least $100 in cash at all times, because you just never know. What if there were a [disaster likely in your area] and the ATMs were down but you needed to buy gas/food/water/get outta town fast? The balance of your emergency fund should be in a checking account with debit card – in a real emergency you don’t want to jump through a million hoops to access your money.
Know the difference between an emergency and limited-time events, or events you should have been planning for. “I ran over a nail in the road and need a new tire today” is an emergency. “My grandma died and I need to fly home for the funeral” might be an emergency. “My childhood dog is really sick and I want to drive 5 hours home for one last visit this weekend” might be an emergency. “My car won’t start because I’ve been neglecting routine maintenance” is not an emergency. “My tires are down to the wear bars and btw it’s early November OMG I need new tires” is not an emergency either. “[Lifelong music idol] is on tour in my city OMG OMG OMG” is definitely not an emergency.
Your car will need routine maintenance and tires. Price those things out now. If the cost can’t be absorbed into your normal budgeting cycle, set aside $25 or whatever into a kitty so it’ll be available for you when you need it. Keep track of what’s in the kitty by using YNAB, an Excel spreadsheet, or whatever budgeting tool turns ya on. Use this same technique for other periodical, predictable expenses like car registration, vet bills,
new glasses, new winter coat, saving up for moving deposits/expenses, entertainment/vacation fund, Christmas gift fund, etc.
On the day before payday, look through your upcoming expenses. What bills are coming up before the next payday? Do you need to set aside $300 from your mid-month pay check to pay the rent on the first of the month? Then do the math. Say your take-home is $1000. You want to save $100 per month, so take that off the top. Then you need $300 for rent on the first, and $100 for groceries, $100 for restaurants/bars, $300 for other assorted bills. Now you have $100 left. What are you going to do with that $100? If you don’t decide to do something, and then actually take the action, I promise you it will get frittered away faster than you can say boo. If you want to send $50 to your student loans and use the rest to buy a Mother’s Day gift, then go ahead and make the payment to the loans and buy the gift. If you want to save it, transfer it to savings. But don’t let it just hang out in your checking account, because it will evaporate.
I think cash can be really useful for spending like groceries and going out. These are two places that are really easy for me to over-spend, but when you spend all your cash, guess what? You’re done. So be realistic when you’re making your budget, and if you always spend $25 when you go out, know you’re limiting yourself to twice a week when you budget $100. If you know you really want to go out 3 times a week and you don’t want to spend less each time, you’d better figure that category as $150 in your budget.
So … yay! Good luck and you can do this thing!
Hello, I am in Richmond! If you’re into “young and happening,” look for places in The Fan, Scott’s Addition, Shockoe Bottom, or Manchester.
I don’t actually advise you live in any of those places because the traffic is terrible and the housing is expensive but shitty and the crime is pretty bad, but if you want hip, that’s what you’ll also get.
I don’t know if there’s a way to do PMing on this message board but you can certainly feel free to drop me a note with more questions – this handle @ gmail.
I’m 2 years out of school and living on a not-great income in an expensive city, and my budgeting advice is to keep track of EVERYTHING. At least for the first few months while you learn what your typical expenses are, but do it long term if it doesn’t drive you crazy. I have a basic ledger app on my phone, and every single time I spend money (even just a dollar in the vending machine) I record it there. Some people might find that annoying, but I find I worry about money way less when I know that I’m living within my means, that I can adjust day-to-day spending if it looks like I’m not going to break even that month, and that I can plan for bigger expenditures when I need to make them.
our door butterfly hatched, but the photo is on instagram, so i can only post a link. sadly, it was later than expected and i wasn’t home for it, but at least the husband was. i did see 2 fissures in the chrysalis when i left and told him to keep an eye on it. we left it some fruit and wished it well.
we have some days of rain here in LA, so despite a few preceding days of 80+ degrees, i am making comfort food as if it’s dead of winter. all-day ropa vieja, with extra sauce for a fake shakshuka this morning? yes! i’m finishing week 2 of whole 30 and pleasantly surprised at how many wintery comfort foods conform. biggest discovery this week is a delicious fruit-sweetened BBQ sauce recipe that actually hits the BBQ spot.
aside from that, we’re doing somewhat of a “stuff” overhaul at our house. part of it is in preparation for a repair, requiring that we clear our basement. another part is that we moved in quickly a year ago and shoved everything wherever it fit, and we’re finally irritated enough and not so busy fixing things to address it. it’s been tremendously satisfying to take everything out of a kitchen cabinet, put down cedar liner paper and arrange everything the way i want, prioritize based on use, let go of things, etc. oddly, i had held the spark joy book at the library and it just came up last week, as we started this, so i’m going to start reading it today and see where this overhaul goes.
Oh yay! Thank you for posting the birth picture! Beautiful!
I just boarded a plane and the guy (middle seat) who sat down next to me asked the woman on the other side (I’m window, she’s aisle) if she had a fetish.
Not sorry when he realized he was in the wrong row and got up and moved. Now I’m in a row of all ladies. *relieved sigh*
What the shit.
dear god
NOPE
May all the turbulence be focused on his seat, and may it not recline.
“My fetish is killing men on planes.”
I love you.
“Yes, I enjoy brutally torturing offensive men. Why do you ask?”
You’re all perfect.
“Also airsickness. I find it such a turn-on to be able to vomit on another passenger.”
I have never been afraid of flying before. BUT I AM NOW
I, on the other hand, live for the day when I have this sort of opportunity because shit like that never happens to me.
That reminds me of the time I had a few hours to kill while I waited to board my plan. I mostly read a book or watched movies on my laptop. When I finally boarded the plane, there was a guy next to me who said, “You don’t smile much, do you?” To which I said, “Nope!’ and sat far away from him.
“You don’t have very good boundaries, do you?”
One of my great teenage moments, which I mostly felt awkward about at the time but now want to go back and pat young me on the back for, was being asked by an older male coworker (I was 17-ish, he was early 20s) “you don’t talk much, do you?” and responding, cheerfully, “Nope!”
Way to not be sucked into trying to earn his approval, young self. Good job!
My go-to response for being told I’m too quiet is a cheerful “Yup! Someone has to balance out the loudmouths!” and then continue on with whatever I’m doing. Tends to stop any further attempt at conversation 😀
Toasties, the music video for Carly Rae Jepsen’s “Boy Problems” came out today, and it is perfect: http://www.rookiemag.com/2016/04/carly-rae-jepsen…
Between this and Tegan and Sara’s new singles I know what I’ll be listening to all day 😀
I’m heading to NYC this weekend! We’re trying our first mother/daughter trip, so fingers crossed we come out unscathed. And it’s supposed to be 27°C today, I’m 100% checked out from work.
This has been a good week because I saw Hamilton last night, and yep, Hamilton is really good. Daveed Diggs has the energy of at least 4 or 5 humans.
*hearteyes*
A hearty and heartfelt thanks to everyone who responded with words of guidance and encouragement to my OT post yesterday on my family’s situation with my grandmother. Love you guys.
In Other News, best ways to induce labor? I’ve tried walking, spicy food, eggplant Parmesan, nipple stimulation, and sex. Going to CVS today to get a shit ton of Evening Primrose Oil and raspberry leaf tea. Thinking of trying acupuncture for the sheer joy of watching my husband twitch as he emails me multiple scientific journals as to why it’s bunk. What else???
Put some childbirth videos on your computer and aim them at your belly! Tell it to get its act together!!!!
Castor oil?????? Which I feel like is something I never really want to recommend to people because it can be awful, and make sure you check with your health care provider first — but I’ve also heard that it works!!
Maybe do the primrose and raspberry leaf first and see how that goes?
Good luck!
Play “Hamilton” songs, but quietly, in the other room, so that babby can’t hear and has to come out and walk over so it can listen and sing along.
this is my boss’s strategy when he wants me to come to his office
Look, somebody’s gotta yell “LA-FAY-ETTE”, it ain’t gonna yell itself.
[dies laughing and is now a ghost]
Dancing.
Jump up and down on a trampoline?
Pitocin, misoprostol, Foley catheter 🙂
As your husband has no doubt told you, none of those old wives’ tales do much of anything. Unfortunately.
I know at least 2 people who swear that dehydration made them go into labor. One ate an entire jar of olives and then went into labor later that day.
I would second accupuncture. Find someone highly rated, pay and be delivered of your spawn. I had the good fortune to have delivered a few weeks early last time round, and I was regularly getting accupuncture for my hellish sciatica, about which I complained regularly, and I am convinced my accupuncturist willed the little devil out.
She is 2 and lovely and I adore her now but I was DONE being pregnant.
Bake some cookies and then say really loudly, ‘I guess we’ll have to eat them by ourselves if the baby won’t come out!’ ?
Get a massage. If it works, great! If it doesn’t, well, you’ve had a massage!
nothing worked for me except the threat of induction. She started the morning I was due in hospital to start that process…
Sex worked for me the first go-round. And it’s good to get it in while you can, as there’s a lengthyish no-sex period post-delivery. With baby 2, I even tried running a couple kilometres (at 38ish weeks), but no dice. He showed up 36 hours prior to my scheduled c-section. Because it’s important to keep mom on her toes.
Job search update:
I am completely invisible. Even in my own department. The people in my department who have promised me help and connections say “Oh, I don’t know that department/those managers, I can’t (won’t) contact people I don’t already know.”
I am a damn good web content editor.
And I am completely invisible with no connections.
ADVICE NEEDED.
Advice… needed.
I don’t have advice, but I do see you!
I see you too! And also don’t have advice! Keep nagging people though. Tell them they have nothing to lose by contacting someone they don’t know. It won’t hurt them, but might help you.
I’d like to politely say the opposite! *Don’t* constantly nag people to use their connections for you. Many people (myself included) are protective of our network and won’t reach out to them for everyone who asks, because sometimes it does indeed backfire on us. If someone was repeatedly asking me to contact folks that I didn’t even know on their behalf, I wouldn’t do it either!
Here’s what you can do to maximize your chances of someone helping you with a connection. Be specific and show them you’ve put thought into what you’re asking of them. Don’t say “I want to work at X, can you connect me to someone in Y department?” Do say, “I want to do X job at Y company, which I think is a good fit for me because of Z, can you help me get in touch with [this specific person]?”
Networking isn’t magical, and especially not if you are expecting people with connections to do all the work for you. Think carefully about what you want people to do for you, and ask them to do specifically that — it’s easy for people to say “sure, I’ll help you” and I’m sure they mean well, but they don’t feel the same urgency you do. Good luck!
Toasts I have a phone call with the lady from the Lab rescue in two hours! I am so excited and will ask a million questions and hopefully she can help my partner and I narrow our choices down from the ten (!) dogs we mentioned being interested in. Yay it’s finally happening hooray!!!
I think I accidentally said that I liked the wrong cat, and the cat refuge said “Great, he’s been waiting forever!” and I said “Ok, then that’s the one I’ll take!” and now he’s mine and I totally love him. Never mind that he wasn’t the one who initially charmed me on my first visit. They’re all good!
The most adorable and perfect mistake in the world!!
Yes! And to be fair, I did visit him (the real him) several more times and got to know him better before taking him home. And I was glad I was taking a kitty who had been waiting so long. His doppelganger was younger and hadn’t been waiting as long. (And I’m really not even sure which one I met the first time, it’s more just a suspicion.)
Also I had a big list of cats too, but when I mentioned his name, the lady perked up and said he had been waiting for a very long time. So that made my choice easier.
I am grumpy and this has been a disaster of a work week so I am going to buy myself some fancy tea to cheer myself up. Tell me toasts – what are your favorite teas and why?
I like hibiscus tea. It’s usually mixed with rosehips, pomegranate, raspberry etc.
Earl Grey because when I was 8 years old I wanted to be Captain Picard
Assam probably because it’s so hard to find that it always feels like a treat
Mint, iced in the summer
Rooibos Chai because it feels like a hug and it doesn’t have caffeine but the chai taste makes my brain thinks it has caffeine, so I always get a bit of a boost from the placebo effect
I drank earl grey exclusively for like five years but I never watched Star Trek. I actually only started watching it because people kept making jokes about it when I ordered tea! Now I feel like an accidental badass.
(Edited for clarity because that made more sense in my head.)
I love love love a good puh ehr with chrysanthemum: rich and earthy with a little brightness to it. But that’s hard to find and can get expensive; I’m also always content with jasmine tea. Partly because it’s delicious, but partly because it helps me to be more like Uncle Iroh, and who doesn’t want to be more like Uncle Iroh?
Ok I’m now drinking jasmine tea because I couldn’t NOT drink jasmine tea after reading this comment. ALWAYS be more like Uncle Iroh.
Wish I could upvote this at least ten more times. IROH. <3
Specifically, Rishi Tea’s Earl Green. It is fragrant and beautiful and has just enough caffeine to be interesting and oh my god I used to drink it by the quart.
less specifically, you can pry my Yorkshire Gold out of my cold dead hands
YORKSHIRE GOLD FUCK YEAH
Yorkshire Gold always and forever, but especially when stuck in a difficult crossword. It’s like brain lube.
Team Yorkshire Gold, reporting in!
Also, I have been drinking Earl Grey and enjoying its bergamonty goodness since long before Captain Picard was even thought of, so put that in your pipe and smoke it.
I’m a fan of lapsang souchong, because it feels like you’re shoving your face into a campfire that can’t hurt you, and then you feel like every breath is a little puff of smoke which makes you feel like you could probably breathe fire if you tried.
Lapsang souchoung is also the gothiest of teas, which was definitely a consideration during my teenage goth years.
How fancy are we talking? Cause this tea is super fancy, but I had a vanilla white tea from them once and I almost died http://www.mariagefreres.com/UK/1-icone_tea_black…
Jasmine tea always and forever. There is something so silky about really good jasmine tea. I immediately feel better for smelling and tasting it.
If you like lemongrass and green tea flavours, Kusmi Detox tea is really good, and definitely falls on the fancy end of the tea spectrum! Because it’s such good quality a little pot of the loose leaf stuff lasts a very long time.
I used to work for a loose leaf tea company who did their own blends and for a long time could be relied upon to be Very Boring About Tea if given the opportunity.
I love well-aged pu-ehr tea and get it from teacuppa.com. For decaf, I love Harney & Sons Blue and Yellow (lavender and chamomile) and green rooibos teas.
I love black teas, specifically Irish breakfast and Earl Grey. I’m warming up (heh) to flavored green and white teas, but overall I really recommend Adagio. They’re somewhat fancy and I delight in their fandom blends.
I got their Sherlock blends last year because my girlfriend is a big fan, the tins were really pretty! And we got to try a lot of different types.
Earl Grey with lavender. Regular Earl Grey is now ruined for me.
I have never had tea with lavender in it and there are so many comments here about putting lavender in tea! I am going to have to try this.
I forget the brand because I never see it around any more… Evolution, maybe?
Raspberry Earl Grey, which is like drinking pure luxury.
Pu’erh, for smoky earthy satisfaction.
I like oolongs in general. My #1 favorite Fancy Tea (speaking as someone who has a drawer with ~20 kinds of loose leaf tea in it) is milk oolong. It’s steamed over warm milk and it literally tastes like sugar and cream and happiness even when you drink it black.
Now I want fancy tea but I’m at work and all we have is gross lipton.
My favourite tea is Adagio’s chestnut — it is a black tea flavoured with chestnut, it smells like autumn and earth and good things, and it is delicious with sugar and a little bit of (soy) creamer.
There is also a coconut pouchong from Golden Moon tea that one of us likes a lot, it is an oolong and if treated nicely smells very tropical and lovely. In searching to find the maker I just discovered that Adagio also makes a coconut pouchong so I see another tea order on my horizon.
And I was already thinking of posting this — would you or any other Toastie passing by be interested in a tea swap?
I would!
Please email me brynplusplus at gmail — I’ll see how many people are interested !
That would be so fun!!!
Please email me brynplusplus at gmail — I’ll see how many people are interested !
Definitely!
Awesome! Email me brynpluplus at gmail — once I see how many people are interested I can figure out more details. 🙂
I really like Lady Grey! Twinings makes one that my coworker drinks, and I finally asked her if I could try some. I find Earl Grey a little too astringent, but Lady Grey is a little more delicate and has citrus notes. I want to find a blend that has lavender too, though, as the Twinings one doesn’t.
Tazo! Unless they’ve changed their formula lately, anyway.
ooh, yes to Lady Grey.
i don’t drink caffeine, so this might not be up your alley, but i really like:
republic of tea’s orange ginger mint—this one has anise hyssop and it’s delicious
yogi tea’s ginger—just a nice ginger without tasting burnt or too weak or too spicy
mighty leaf’s chamomile citrus—a lovely chamomile if you like it
numi’s dry desert lime—this is intensely lime-y and tart
English Breakfast is my go-to tea, and I’m always a bit put off if I can’t have some for my weekend breakfast. Spoonful of sugar, dash of milk, and I am set. (I think that’s called a London Fog? But I am a Yank and do not know these things.)
What I also love about English Breakfast is that it works really well when making homemade chai.
I bought a gorgeous green passionfruit tea last year and made iced tea all summer long. It was perfect. But with hot teas, I’m a sucker for any breakfast teas, plus lapsang souchong because it smells like a horse barn and I enjoy that.
I was just thinking earlier today that I need to go buy more tea.
I’ve been drinking this one recently! It is v good and the tin & sachets makes me feel v fancy https://www.harney.com/blueberry-green-1.html
I love Yogi Tea’s Choco Spice Tea. It’s so tasty! The condescending messages you get on the teabag labels are very annoying though.
Toasts, I am *finally* seeing Fun Home this weekend, and I am so intensely excited. (I was supposed to see it months ago, but then the one-day blizzard fell on the day of my tickets. Yup.)
I had great plans to go to the High Line on Saturday with the out-of-town friend who will be here, but the 40 degrees and rainy forecast makes me think we’re going to hit a museum instead. Suggestions welcome (though note that price is a factor).
FUN HOME. Bring tissues!
I will! At least I’ve read the graphic novel, so I am slightly prepared.
Seconding. I cried for a good two thirds of the show.
The Met and the Brooklyn Museum are both great and “recommended donation” pricing (don’t be intimidated by the clerks accepting your $5, smile brightly at them). Also, rain might still be a factor, but I like gallery hopping in Chelsea when I’m broke and need to look at art.
Chelsea’s a good suggestion! I am the master of brazening my way into the Met, but I feel like I’ve taken this particular friend there enough times that she begins to suspect I do not know any other NYC museums.
The Guggenheim is pay what you wish on Saturdays after 5:45!
Iiiiiiif you want to go out tomorrow night, Bell House in Brooklyn (Gowanus) is having its monthly 90s night, which is one of the best dance parties I’ve ever been to.
I love the Cooper Hewitt museum, which is pay-what-you-can from 6-9pm on Saturdays. It’s a design museum, and it usually has a very interesting range of exhibits. (I particularly enjoyed the Hewitt sister’s collection, especially the old birdcages.)
Ooo, this is new to me – even if she doesn’t want to go, I may later!
I have been to this one! Can confirm it is great! (Also hi.)
I have been having a rough week, Toasties. I won’t go into detail because it’s tl;dr, but suffice it to say that it involved cutting a friend out of my daily life (for the moment temporarily, i.e. not texting, unfollowing on social media) after they… let’s go with “called me out on something in an aggressive manner” that ended up giving me a very intense panic attack followed by 1-2 days of bad anxiety. I don’t really want to talk about it because 1) it makes me anxious and 2) I think I’ve responded well wrt putting up the boundaries I need to keep my mental health okay, but I can’t stop wondering now that the storm has calmed….
How do you know if you REALLY miss someone or if you just miss The Spot They Filled in Your Life? How do you figure out if you really miss Them Specifically, or if you’re just missing the abstract of them, you know, having someone to text certain things to, or IM, etc etc?
Ugh it is bothering me a lot, to the point that last night I did one of those “do you really miss them” quizzes like it would help. (Although, I did manage to fall asleep after the quiz result was ‘I don’t think you do miss them’.)
First of all, massive internet hugs. I’ve been there, and it’s the most painful. I had to cut one of my closest friends out of my life around three years ago, and I STILL get random moments of sadness about it.
In the few months of our friendship ending, I also constantly wondered if I was missing HER or the spot she filled. There’s no easy answer, but I suggest journaling, because that helped me a lot. Also, maybe weigh out your relationship, and the substance of it. For me, it came down to “yes funny texts and funny IMs and fun times are great, but this person is consistently toxic and mean and Not Good for my mental health.” I don’t know your exact situation, but evaluating that + making a new rule for myself that I’d only stay friends with people who are both fun AND make me feel positive about myself really helped too.
I don’t know if this helps, but again, internet hugs because I know how awful the situation is, and what an intense thought process it can be. <3
Thank you! Yeah, it is hard. And most of the time I know it is for the best because this person had been very stressful for me and not good for my mental health. (They are bad at respecting boundaries and also very selfish, which is ironic because that is what they accused me of being after I started putting up some distance between us, but they’re also toxic and the kind of person that always thinks everyone else is to blame.) It’s just especially hard at night when I’m feeling lonely and I just want to text them, you know? Blargh.
I might try journaling. I’ve been doing a lot of Adult Coloring, and reading, and focusing on like, decorating my apt and stuff so that helps. And oh, thank you! *hugs*
I don’t know the answer. I had one friend who broke my heart like a romantic breakup. We weren’t good for each other’s mental health, I guess, but I really loved her and missed her horribly when she cut me off. But a couple years later she apologized and we became friends again, older but wiser friends, not as exuberant as we had once been, but more steady and pleasant. I definitely missed her when she was gone, but she also filled a certain spot in my life that no one else filled in the same way. She was also a habit, and I missed that habit. It’s ok to miss both.
ugh this is so tough! sometimes [if you’re me] when it’s instinct or routine, you’ll find yourself picking up the phone to share a funny moment, and stopping yourself only to realize that reaching out isn’t in line with the intended outcome. as someone who’s been through this, though, it does pass, and you do focus on other things. but the transition is hard.
YEP, I do that, too. I keep picking up my phone and stopping myself.
And ugh, because I have been this before and rationally I know the urge fades and it gets better and it’s a slow process. But despite that, because I’m ~in it~ right now, I just keep thinking WILL THIS EVER END??? all dramatically. Oy vey.
It’s kind of like grieving, really! Because it’s almost like someone has died, has left your life, and you can no longer talk to them or hang out or just know that they’re there. Like when my cat died. I missed him so much, but also it was jarring that he just wasn’t THERE, that I didn’t have to give him his pills any more or clean his special litter box. I think it’s ok to grieve for a lost friendship. I grieved for my cat by making a quilt, spending all my free time working on it. I wonder if you could do some hobby thing that takes up the time you would have spent talking to your friend? (Also like people who quit smoking try to replace it with a good habit, like eating carrot sticks or knitting so their hands are busy?)
Also when my friendship ended (which really was the worst breakup of my life, more than any romantic breakup), I listened over and over to Stereophonics “Rainbows and Pots of Gold” and “I miss you now” and “Since I told you it’s over” which he wrote about 1) missing his former best friend and 2) and 3) missing his girlfriend who cheated on him with his best friend, eventually marrying him. There need to be more songs about friendships. (And sad breakups where the person singing isn’t angry OR wanting the person back OR thinking it’s good riddance, just sad and regretful.)
I dunno, maybe “do I miss them?” is the wrong question? I broke up with a dear friend years ago who treated me pretty badly, so a) if I did miss him, I reminded myself of what he did b) if I did miss him, he wasn’t that person any more. And maybe c) they were good times we had, and it’s okay to miss that, but the relationship is over. If you’ve read Jane Eyre you remember how St John let himself dream about marrying his crush BUT ONLY for ten minutes and then he put her out of his mind forever. He was kinda nuts but it seems like it worked for him?
Another good tactic is to delete their number and all contact info. If that seems drastic, write it down somewhere and put it someplace hard-to-get and THEN delete everything.
Reading thread! What are you reading?
Earlier this week I finished Life by Gwyneth Jones, a wonderful sf novel about women in science (and also gender binaries that don’t exist); I have We Love You Charlie Freeman by Kaitlin Greenidge on deck because I read an interview with the author and went Wow, I want to be friends with her. But it has to wait until I finish inhaling Patrick Ness’s Chaos Walking trilogy.
I feel like I’ve been reading The Ghost Bride (Yangsze Choo) and Grimspace (Ann Aguirre) f o r e v e r, but it’s only been a week (I usually finish books within a day or two). They’re both pretty good in their own ways, at least, but the new Raksura book came out on Tuesday and I’m DYING to finish these so I can start it.
New Raksura book!! It’s so good (but now I neeeeeed the sequel, and that won’t be out till next year.)
Eeeeeee, I’m so glad to hear it’s good!
I have a stack of the next three books in the “Daisy Dalrymple” series, by Carola Dunn, because they’re my favorite cozy historical mysteries, and after the week I had I just need a weekend of nice, easy reading.
But I did also just finish the So Sad Today book (so intense, and relate-able in that way that made me cry), and also read “Unbecoming” by Rebecca Scherm for the Toastie Book Club this month.
Oooh, I may have seen that same interview, either way Charlie Freeman looks like a great book.
Just finished Charmed Particles which was pretty good! I don’t think it’s a book for everybody, but if a novel about science and local politics sounds like your thing, you’d probably like it. And Calling Dr. Laura.
I’m also maybe 1/3 into this massive nonfiction tome called Mother Nature which feels very much in line with Toastie interests. I keep finding fascinating tidbits I want to share. On the other hand, as a social science-y person, I’m finding it hard to read this evolutionary explanation of human behavior without going “but what about—-” (The author is clearly aware & not dismissive of social factors, it’s just not the focus of the book.)
I just got The Laws of Medicine by Siddhartha Mukherjee from the library, but it’s short so I should finish it today.
This week I read Uprooted because the paperback finally came out. It was lovely and perfect and everything toast commenters promised me it would be and so much more. I want to read it again and again.
I also read Dandelion Wine which was interesting and poetic and very much about nostalgia.
And now I’ve started Who Fears Death, which is violent but good so far.
I’m glad to hear Uprooted is good! I’m like #22 on the library’s wait list for it… sigh.
Who Fears Death I enjoyed a lot. Violent but good is a good description.
I appreciate that I can usually see the violence coming 2-3 pages beforehand and have a chance to brace for it (or put the book down if I need to)
I finished George by Alex Gino yesterday, so I’m still dehydrated from all the tears.
And I just started Innocents and Others by Dana Spiotta and I think I’m going to love it, but could just as easily need to run away from it. Complexity.
George was so good. So good.
We finally finished The Sun Also Rises, thank goodness, and started on Gentleman Jole and the Red Queen by Lois McMaster Bujold which is super lovely so far, but then the flu hit, so now I am reading YA novels! I am about to start on John Green’s _Paper Towns_ in the hope it will be an improvement on _An Abundance of Katherines_ which was not terrible but not that good either. We usually do not get much time to just sit and read what with parenting and everyone’s hobbies and all, so while I HATE being this sick, I am enjoying the chance to just read novel after novel after novel.
On Paper Towns, it will likely not be an improvement. John Green has a specific writing style and set of characters that pretty much do not vary across books. I almost threw Paper Towns across the room a few times while reading it. There was also some yelling involved.
I feel like his books improved marginally until The Fault in Our Stars, at which point he perfected the book he’d been trying to write all along.
Paper Towns + Looking for Alaska just made me want to read a John Green novel about a bunch of friends on a road trip where absolutely no one falls hopelessly, tragically in love with anyone else. It would be so fun!
Maybe I should just skip ahead to The Fault in Our Stars — I was reading them in order because I am that kind of person but if TFiOS is actually *good* perhaps I should save time.
Yes, unless you want to complete them, do this. TFiOS is leaps and bounds better than the others. I liked the other ones I read (LFA, Paper Towns, Abundance of Katherines), but I didn’t love them. I love TFiOS. I haven’t read it in a few years, but I’ve read it at least three times.
I am about 1/3 of the way through TFiOS now (having gotten really annoyed by Paper Towns) and yes, it is LOADS better. I think having an adult intellectual for the kids to talk to/at as they try to figure things out really frees up the teens to *be teens*, plus unlike the characters in the other books, the teens are struggling with really serious stuff. (All right, I think Colin’s garbage parents in AAOK were a serious problem, but since nobody in the actual novel does, it never gets addressed.)
I’m glad you’re liking it! John Green actually worked with kids who had cancer for for a while (I think he was a chaplain in a children’s hospital, but I could be wrong). I think that’s one of the reasons TFiOS ended up so good.
Ugh that is too bad. I guess it is not a surprise that he writes about White Boys Being Sad but this does not figure highly in my range of interests. There were definitely some things I liked about An Abundance of Katherines, just not enough. And once I finished it I started thinking, hmn, _Me and Earl and the Dying Girl_ (written by Jesse Andrews) is kind of the same book, so are all books about Sad White Boys really the SAME book?
Also John Green has NO IDEA how smart people actually think.
I really do want to like his work because there will be these glimmers of something really great in there but it’s overwhelmed by all the other stuff that I find kind of gross and irritating.
And, he does not have any idea how smart people think. Which is weird because he’s actually really intelligent himself? Or has at least cultivated that image. I don’t know. I try not to pay much attention to him because I get kind of irritated.
I’m pretty sure all books about Sad White Boys are the same.
I am going to combine all of this into a Goodreads rant but the other thing which gets to me about the book is that Colin is clearly messed up because his parents were GARBAGE and yet the book is presented as though his problem is just that he’s smart and socially awkward and meeting the right girl and loosening up some will fix everything The End. I think this can be brilliant writing if it is clear that the author knows the narrator’s understanding of themselves is full of crap, but I never got the sense Green does.
The more I think about the ‘how smart people think’ issue the more I am left without words.
That is such an interesting criticism of his books (I haven’t read Katherines, but based on the others…), and I half agree with it…I feel like, as a Smart Kid, those are the thoughts and dialogues I would have had if I sat down and wrote a book about myself. They’re not the raw in-the-moment thoughts or really deep down the way I was actually thinking, but if I were trying to get my sense of self down on paper and editing and polishing it…yeah. I think teenage me would have connected a LOT with those characters, and then probably cringed looking back 15 years later.
This makes a lot of sense. I wish I could put my feelings about Colin (in particular) into words, because I think there is a real difference in my experience with ordinary-smart-people (like I consider myself) and frighteningly-smart-IQ-over-200 people (like Colin is supposed to be). (And yes, IQ is hugely problematic as a measure of intelligence!). But when Green spells out Colin’s thought processes, they are very familiar to me as the kind of geeky trivia-obsessed pattern-matching I do remember smart kids (especially boys) at my high school doing, and I definitely relate to it, but that is part of what frustrates me, because Colin as described in the book ought to be another level or two beyond that.
The more I think about it, though, the more I think I wouldn’t have any idea how to write it myself; I wonder who has written hyper-intelligence really well? And if someone has done it, is it relatable?
And also, whose work *do* you really like?
Since we’re talking about John Green, I’ll stick to YA authors for right now.
Sara Farizan, Libba Bray, Suzanne Collins, Malinda Lo, Celeste Ng, Dia Reeves, some of Laurie Halse Anderson’s stuff, Francesca Lia Block.
Thank you!
I am struggling to get through my first Hemingway. It’s his memoir so I thought perhaps that’s why I found it Incredibly Dull… but having read your first sentence I am reminded to trust my gut and not rush off to give him another try. I’m going to give myself some time to read something I *love* first!
ETA: there are occasional good moments in the book, by the way, but mostly it’s ridiculous. There’s, like, a whole chapter on F. Scott’s Fitzgerald’s penis size anxiety! (All without using the word penis. Ridiculous!!)
To be fair to Hemingway, we (mostly Cassandra) read _For Whom the Bell Tolls_ and loved it deeply, but _The Sun Also Rises_ is his first novel and stylistically different and while it was actually quite well-crafted, it is just not as much our kind of thing as FWTBT. *I* personally found it incredibly boring; Cass said “it was annoying because she could see where the craft and skill went in but it was not terribly enjoyable.”
The non-penis penis chapter sounds hysterical. 🙂
What are some things you would love?
Oh good to know – I will probably go with For Whom the Bell Tolls as my next Hemingway attempt! That description of full of skill & craft but not particularly enjoyable is definitely an experience I relate to a lot with certain classic canon authors, but I know it’s good to poke around through an author’s body of work because you never know which ones you will relate to and which will bore!
I lovelovelove well written memoirs, especially ones that have a big relationship with nature – some examples are Farm City: The Education of an Urban Farmer by Novella Carpenter, which just tickled me to death, and Wild by Cheryl Strayed. That’s such a specific genre though, haha. I also love historical fiction and fantasy and, like you mentioned, YA lit!
I hope you get over being sick soon, though reading is indeed a wonderful side effect of it! 🙂
I have not tried his memoir so I do not know how it compares, but For Whom the Bell Tolls is written very beautiful, much attention to the detail of the landscape and the surroundings, and attempts to see things whole. It is a long dense book, not a fast read, and very much the sort of thing that I like.
I have not tried any of those memoirs, but I am going to add them to goodreads since they sound very good. Have you tried H is for Hawk? I am reading it right now and it is very well-written although painful in its descriptions of grief.
I haven’t read H is for Hawk but I have been curious about it for a while, since I’ve been seeing it recommended in the window of my neighborhood book store. I will have to give it a try! Thank you for the recommendation. 🙂
I’m in the middle of The Goldfinch, which is pretty good but kind of emotionally intense. I want to finish it because this is my second attempt, but I also really – really – want something light and easy to read.
I got about 3/4 through that one, then one of my more fun holds became available at the library, and I abandoned the Goldfinch without looking back. I vaguely wonder what happened in the end, but not enough to try to pick up and read more about the part with miserable marriages in denial.
Chaos Walking!!! I keep meaning to reread those books, but it’s going to have to wait until I’m in the mood to handle all of those FEELINGS again.
I’m so swamped with academic stuff that I haven’t had time for fiction in a while, but I just bought Brian Selznick’s The Marvels because a friend (the same one who recommended Chaos Walking to me) told me it would make me cry.
I really liked The Knife of Never Letting Go but then The Bad Thing happened and I cried and cried and couldn’t handle continuing. I still get upset just thinking about it.
I WAS SO UPSET but I was reading it on desk at work (because what is Overdrive Read In Browser for if not for reading it at work?) so I had to keep going or cry all over my next patron.
ugh I do the exact same thing (reading on desk using Overdrive) and sometimes it is too much.
ME TOO, I was on the Metro when I got to it and it was terrible, I had nowhere to go to bawl.
I also still get sad about that book! I never read the sequels because I don’t think I could handle them.
I’m halfway through Carrie Brownstein’s Hunger Makes Me a Modern Girl. It’s great!
I’ve been on a Margaret Atwood binge. I read the first two books in the Maddadam trilogy, but I wasn’t sure about even starting on the third one. The series just seemed to be getting straighter? The first book had a relationship that could be interpreted as variety of ways, but by the second book it seemed like Atwood was going for a more conventional thing.
Now I’m reading Cat’s Eye which is super good! I’m really into stories about kids and they’re social dynamics so it’s been a pretty engaging read.
That was a common criticism of the Maddaddam books, iirc from goodreads reviews when I read them. Glad I finished the series, personally, but the first one was far and away the best, and the relationshippy stuff in the second one gets…more so…in the third.
Also since reading thread seems like a good place to put this — we finally made a Goodreads account!
https://www.goodreads.com/brynplusplus
Come be my friend!
I just finished The Dark Days Club by Alison Goodman which is sort of a Lovecraftian Regency romp, as it were? It’s the first book in a series so ended on a jumping off point, but I’ll be looking for the second one.
Am now 5 pages into the new Matt Ruff, Lovecraft Country , which I guess will be more literally Lovecraftian? The protagonist is a science fiction loving PoC in the 50s, so my fingers are crossed for him.
I am looking forward to more DDC.
Oh, I just read DDC too and I was like 98% into it (I was a bit bugged by the whole “you’re the only female Reclaimer” (ofc) and then on top of that, the “female Reclaimers in the past never did any fighting bc they were ladies” and THEN the other grossness that went hand-in-hand with what that one guy did/wanted to do with female Reclaimers.) But beyond that I REALLY loved it tbh and wanted more.
YES all the sexism may have been historically accurate but it was definitely off-putting, especially with all the romantic rivalries everywhere. But super engaging nonetheless!
The Girl Who Raced Fairyland All the Way Home by Catherynne Valente. I love this series so much.
Oh my gosh, there’s another? I’m two behind now (I was waiting for my library to get the last one still), I need to catch up!!
I think this is the last one.
I really need to catch up. I’m 2 or 3 behind.
The epilogue <3 <3 <3!
I started The Girl on the Train on Sunday, and finished it on Tuesday. I guessed the ending because I watch far too much Law & Order, but it was a good quick read, not too light, not too dark. Now I’m on to Daughter of Fortune by Isabel Allende. My first Allende, and I’m having a bit of trouble getting into it so far. Just going slowly, and I don’t have that same feeling of wanting to read it all in one sitting. But it’s good, and possibly the first book I’ve ever read that takes place in Chile.
I read Daughter of Fortune a long time ago. I liked it! Not enough to run out and read her entire back catalog, but would not hesitate to pick up another Allende in the future.
Try Allende’s “House of the Spirits.” It’s her first book, set in Chile, and it’s extremely compelling!
I just finished We Love You Charlie Freeman last night! I don’t want to say anything to sway your opinion at all but I will be very interested to hear what you think about it afterwards. I will say I’m super interested in following Greenidge’s career to see where she goes next. Earlier this week I finished Life After Life by Kate Atkinson which I finally got to after hearing it raved about for years and it did not disappoint – I don’t even usually like historical fiction! I also read Dare Me by Megan Abbott which I found to be a total dud and very wannabe Gillian Flynn except without the intrigue and characterization Flynn brings to her dark depressing stories, but YA’s not really my thing so I’m not the most impartial judge.
I’m currently reading If This Is A Woman: Inside Ravensbruck by Sarah Helm and it is heavy but really interesting. I think I’m going to start Rush Oh! by Shirley Barrett for my next fiction read.
There’s a followup to Life After Life from Teddy’s POV, in case you’re interested. It’s called A God In Ruins. Also quite good. I read them a year+ apart, but I think they would be quite nice read in quick succession.
I’m glad to hear it’s solid! I have it downloaded and will probably start it in the next couple weeks because I’m still just so impressed by Life After Life. I’m reallyinterested to see what Atkinson does.
Bah I was recommended Dare Me by a person whose taste in books I respect and trust, and I thought it was pretty bad! I could not get into the writing style at ALL.
Okay I wanted to be nice in case peopleliked it (it somehow has good reviews on Goodreads?) butI thoughtit was justawful.I am totally into the idea of a dark thriller about cheerleaders, but the portentousdialogue and narration combined with…not a really solid plotwere too much to handle. Not only can I not buy ONE teenager (or adult)talking like that, I can’t buy an ENTIRE cast of characters who are constantly waxing grimlypoetic at every moment. I rolled my eyes about every other page.
Completely agree! The POV did not seem realistic to teenagers at allll – I mean, I know they’re dealing with a lot of emotions and can be quite dark, but still, the poetic existentialism felt over the top and weird. And the mystery wasn’t terribly interesting, not only because I hadn’t emotionally attached to Coach or Beth or Addy but also because the twists weren’t particularly interesting? Idk. I’m glad some people are enjoying it, but it wasn’t my cup of tea.
We could not *stand* that book (Dare Me). To each their own and all of that, but yes, the writing was really, really awful — like at the actual sentence level, her sentences were often really bad, she uses metaphors without actually understanding them so her imagery is nonsense. Ugh.
I’m rushing to finish “The Three-Body Problem” by Cixin Liu because it’s due at the library and I can’t renew it because there are other holds on it. It’s great so far!
I’ve just started H is for Hawk, and it’s lovely so far. The Hamilton biography will be up next.
We are perpetually reading that because it is lovely, the writing is really something else, but I find it so dense and also so painful that after five or ten pages I want to put it down and breathe deeply. So it is taking me exceptionally long.
I read Tell the Wolves I’m Home last weekend, and wow wow wow was it good. Now I’m reading Mastering the Art of Soviet cooking so I’m just having the best book week ever.
I am reading Code Name Verity and I am 2/3rds and growing more worried as I read, but it’s really well done. I’m also reading Time Salvager by Wesley Chu, which is so far good, though kind of mind-bendy, given the complicated way time travel works in it. (Basically, people from the year 2700 or something go back in time to salvage energy resources and other things, but they can only go to where people are about to die).
WARNING WARNING WARNING
Do not read the end of Code Name Verity in public unless you REALLY like people watching you cry. I AM NOT KIDDING AROUND.
I am about to finish Jane Steele by Lyndsay Faye. I feel like it is SUCH a Toast book.
Simply put, it is Jane Eyre but with a heroine who murders despicable, misogynistic Victorian men. It’s tagline is “Reader, I murdered him” and its a clever and fun homage to the classic.
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/25868918-jane…
BRB adding this to my library holds list!
I’m reading Sisters in Law which is about Ruth Bader Ginsberg and Sandra Day O’Connor. I definitely know more about RBG than SDO, but I’m learning interesting things about both of them. The author keeps trying to present them on sort of parallel paths, which doesn’t quite land, IMO. The material is good and the writing is mostly OK, but the presentation is occasionally weird because of this parallel thing we’re trying to fit into. Maybe a better choice is to read Notorious RBG and wait for the SDO biography due out later this year?
I’m reading The Burning Stone, the third in Kate Elliot’s Crown of Stars series. I would have loved this as a teen, but now? I dunno, I think I’m almost ready to break up with it. I have a spot in my heart for YA, but there are lots of Teens with Emotions in Extreme Medieval Situations in this one, and I am getting a bit tired of them.
It gets some things right, and has some interesting ideas but I am just so sick of some of these characters and their teenage needs and lusts.
Mainly Ivar. I am sick of Ivar and I don’t care about him and he’s the medieval fantasy version of an Entitled Nice Guy and I can’t tell if the author wants me to identify with him or be annoyed by him. But right now it’s the latter, and I hope she either just stops focusing on him, or does some character development soon that makes me stop going “I don’t care about you stop whining oh my god I hate teenagers” whenever I read his chapters.
I’m also getting sick of Alain, and if his love life goes in the direction it’s been trying so hard not to go for so long, I’m going to be mad. But I’m pretty sure it’s going to have to go there at some point, because that’s his main source of tension.
I’m also REALLY hoping Liath gets some agency some time soon. She’s just constantly bouncing from one character-as-driving-force-in-her-life to the next. I get the sense that she’s going to be badasser than she has been, so I might stick around to find out when.
I’m totally here for Theophanu and Hanna though. They should get together and have adventures.
I just finished Sorceror to the Crown by Zen Cho, which was good but maybe had one or two plot threads too many? It felt a bit overstuffed, and like the weight of the many plots could not be supported by the light Regency-esque tone. But I’m still gonna read the sequel. (I assume there will be one since the title calls it “A Sorceror Royal Novel” which indicates more?) And now I’m reading The Argonauts by Maggie Nelson and I want to roll around in this forever.
So excited to read We Love You Charlie Freeman! I hope you enjoy it. I’ve loved all of Kaitlin’s articles I’ve read, and her older sister was my playwriting professor and I just adore that family.
I’m reading The Blind Assassin by Margaret Atwood! I’m loving it. I’ve read maybe 6 of her books before but this is my first time for this one
I’m reading The Little Red Chairs by Edna O’Brien and it is lovely so far!
I just saw this Genetic Sexual Attraction story and it’s so awful I needed to share (you’re welcome). http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/mo…
I just did the Tina Belcher, “Uhhhhhh….” thing
“It’s not incest, it’s Genetic Sexual Attraction!” IT’S BOTH.
*endless screaming*
I just. . .she found an article and was like, “Oh, awesome! No biggie”?
Dude’s poor wife.
Important Mitford question:
I recently read ‘The Pursuit of Love’ and ‘Love in a Cold Climate’ and I desperately want to read more Mitford sisters’ stuff, but I don’t know where to start.
Suggestions?
I’ve had Nancy’s letters to Evelyn Waugh sitting in my to-read pile for ages, I feel like they will be amazing because two hilarious people writing to each other? But I can’t recommend as I am terrible and haven’t read it.
Ahhh! MITFORDS <3 I am here for this question.
Cannot recommend Jessica Mitford’s Daughters and Rebels enough. One of the best memoirs ever. She is a badass and my queen. (I am obviously biased about who my favorite Mitford is). Her nonfiction work The American Way of Death is also super intriguing–expose into American funeral homes and all of that.
Highland Fling by Nancy is also delightful, as is Debo’s memoir, Wait for Me.
I’ve also got a massive books of letters (Letters Between Six Sisters) that’s really fun and gives great insight into the family.
GOOD LUCK ON YOUR MITFORDS JOURNEY.
If you can find Nancy’s _Wigs on the Green_ it is my favourite of the lighter ones, because she mocks the British fascists and it is very, very funny.
I think I would only read The Blessing out of the rest of Nancy’s novels – The Pursuit of Love and Love in a Cold Climate are by far the best, but it’s quite good as a third. In terms of non-fiction, Decca’s Hons and Rebels is a classic. The biography by Lovell isn’t bad (although quite pro-Diana. Debo’s writing is quite good (although I find her painfully conservative) – her books about Chatsworth, The House and The Estate, are fascinating. Another good book is Letters Between Six Sisters, a collection of their letters.
Any other grad school Toasties that are struggling to find motivation at the moment? I have a huge research paper due at the beginning of May, along with tons of other things, but just can’t bring myself to do the amount of work I need to. It doesn’t help that the professor I’m writing this paper for is a really scary grader, so every time I try to write, I just think of her scary correction pen (woooo anxiety). Any tips or just commiseration would be appreciated. I’m almost through the second year of a three year program, and am looking so forward to the end being in sight.
I am just past the half way mark of a slightly over 3 year long part-time program (meaning I work full time too). I am struggling immensely. I keep telling myself I need to figure out how to enjoy life now instead of spending everyday wishing these 3 years are over. I think I made a big mistake going to grad school, but I took a shitty university job to pay for it, so don’t have any good job experience if I wanted to just drop out and get a new job now. So I feel trapped and just so weighed down. I am so FUN to be around lately.
All I can say is, feedback is good!! Why are you in school if the professor don’t help get better and learn? I took a course in undergrad that was critique intensive (like live critique from classmates right after you give a presentation), it was horrifying, but good!
(I say this as someone who would also be scared of the red pen, not trying to belittle your feelings at all).
Advice from a scary professor: start writing. Even if it is crap. Give yourself a word count to get to each day. One of the number one things I tell my students is writing is a process – you often have to get several crappy versions out of your system before the clear one emerges. Get your thoughts down, then see how you can reorganize them – where the holes in the argument are, etc. The idea of perfect writing is the ABSOLUTE ENEMY of productive writing practice.
Thank you for this. I will attempt to start a draft this weekend with your advice in mind! (and try to tell the perfection monsters to leave me be).
Also, something that always got me motivated was the fear of failure, and concrete deadlines are a great motivator for me. So, I would set up an appointment with the writing center because they usually make you turn it in at least a day before your appointment. This gives you the advantage of actually having to write something down, AND you get some advise and revision!
Boyfriend just called me, we had an appointment for our maybe Maine Coon/porch cat mix to get a grooming at petsmart. She’s been shedding her fur and getting matted but is too much of a wiggle worm for us to brush thoroughly, despite our nice furminator.
Now, she is a very friendly cat who loves new people, but she is also very loud and hates being held down. So I guess they just shaved some of the mats out, brushed her real fast and handed her back because she was “scary” without giving her a bath. Which I understand and am fine with (especially since it’s cheaper), the big problem has been solved and she makes some HORRIFYING sounds that I’m only ok with because I know she’s all bark and no bite. I am just her laughing to myself in an empty house because That’s So Agnes.
I am also mad at boyfriend for not singing my cat happy birthday on Wednesday. He “didn’t know he had to.” Well I wasn’t there and it was her birthday, what did you think you were supposed to do! Poor old lady cat.
My medium haired cat also hates being held down and refuses to let me brush her or trim out her mats. However, at the vet she behaves like a perfect angel and utterly charming, so I just get them to do it now. They seem not to believe me that she is a hellcat at home when I try to do it.
old lady cats are the BEST cats
Perhaps I am biased because 2/3 of my cats are old lady cats but YEAH THEY ARE
I miss my old lady cats like crazy. One died last year at 23 and one this year at 19. My current old ladies are NOT PURRY AND MELLOW, and are only 9, 11, 13.
Man, I wish I could just paste a photo, because they were utterly gorgeous.
Hahahaha, we also have a Maine coon/tabby mix who is generally sweet and friendly but turns into rage incarnate at the vet. They usually bring an extra vet tech in to hold her down so they can check her out thoroughly, and she screams bloody murder. It is horrifying but hilarious.
We have our maine coon sedated for his grooming, which consists of a yearly lion cut, which he just had, and he is SO EFFING CUTE RIGHT NOW. Little chaps and boots and all.
But yeah, we cannot brush him nor cut his claws for fear of mauling, so once a year we wrap him in a towel and shove him in his carrier and pay $$$ to have him shaved from stem to stern.
Pelmeni!!!
I started watching Deep Space Nine recently. I’m pretty shocked at how much I love it?! I’ve been a sorta-Star-Trek fan for a while. I’ve watched bits and pieces of TOS and TNG (research suggests that I should have skipped ahead to when Riker grew his beard, but I didn’t know that at the time).
But DS9 is awesome. It’s gotten to the point that I finish every episode with the emotional equivalent of I love everyone in this bar. Bashir the oblivious munchkin! Major Kira, who came here for a fight and is honestly having such a good time right now! Commander Sisko, Space Dad Extraordinaire! Every interaction between Odo and Quark! Also, I don’t want to erase nice platonic female friendships or anything, but I totally think there’s something going on between Kira and Jadzia?
Any other fans here?
I really must watch it, I was a TNG fan but keep hearing that DS9 is better. ETA Do you listen to the WomenAtWarp podcast? It’s about women in Star Trek, and they interviewed the actress who played Kira.
No, I’ll have to look it up!
SAME, I’m in season 4 and have started really loving it and feeling very invested in the characters. This has been a shock for me because I previously felt very loyal to TNG (in a way that involves a LOT of making fun of it, because it can be pretty ridiculous), and especially to Picard. But at some point in season 3 something shifted and now I LOVE DS9. So much character development, and moments that actually tug at my rusty old heartstrings! And of course, Space Dad <3
I am the opposite! I couldn’t get into DS9, but I have watched like 5 episodes of TNG now (piecemeal, based largely on the metric “what my friend the Star Trek expert recommends”) and I’m ALL IN.
It is true though, I just watched a pre-beard episode and it was… not right. Like I said, I have seen literally 5 episodes and this was the 5th, but it was obvious even to me that everything was juuuuust slightly off from where it should be.
I have always been a huge TNG fan, ever since I was a little kid, and when I was young I hated DS9 because I thought it was boring. (All the did was stand around and talk!) But I’ve been rewatching DS9 as an adult and holy wow it’s good. I just wasn’t old enough to appreciate what it was doing the first time I saw it.
I got so many queer vibes as a kid from Jadzia and Kira. I dunno if they were just FWB or what, but um there were lots of thinky pantsfeels in my little queer body when I watched them together.
i loved it and was so sad during the last season. i feel like it was the only show that really tried to mirror the difficulties of international diplomacy.
also, the kardashians weren’t famous yet, other than robert as oj’s lawyer, so when they first came into the news, i was like “you mean cardassian’s? wtf?”
Waterstones for the win!
Edit: embedding the tweet did not work so I’m just linking to it.
it worked in my email comment delivery. for awhile there were a bunch of those jokes, and i tell ya, i never get tired of them!
HERE for DS9 discussion! Things get weird and religiousy in the last season, but I love all of the characters so damn much. Especially Garak, who I read as 1000% gay, but they took that in an…odd direction. Gul Dukat was an EXCELLENT villian with shades of gray, and I really enjoyed Damar’s arc the last season. Not to mention Kai Winn and Martok’s general excellence. I echo all of your sentiments about the main cast! Sisko is indeed Space Dad Extraordinaire!
My favorite episode is probably The Visitor. I cried buckets of tears. There are so many great ones though.
I’m only on the second season right now so I haven’t seen much of Garak, but I’m glad we see more of him! I have no idea what his deal is right now, but his interactions with Bashir so far have definitely had a flirty-sinister vibe.
Ahh I have so much to look forward to!
Andrew Robinson was playing him as gay, and then the network basically noped out on that and the writers had to give him a girlfriend. Robinson wrote one of the really excellent Trek novels that are out there, about Garak after the end of the war, called A Stitch in Time.
I cried so much at The Visitor that my cat got in my face and yelled at me.
Also Garak is amazing 😀
Eee! My husband and I are working our way through DS9 right now. There are 139 episodes on our DVR and we’re halfway through season 2. I watched tons of TNG when it was on TV the first time, but missed a lot of DS9 because of timing and stuff. I actually stopped watching it before it got into all the stuff with the Dominion so I missed everything!
I love watching from the beginning (even the crap episodes) and seeing how everything gets set up! I’m here for Bashir and Garrick!
Excellent, husband and I are on the final TNG season, and I think DS9 is next. I’m looking forward to it! There’s one TNG-DS9 crossover episode that we watched recently and I was SO EXCITED to see Bashir being Bashir.
(My sister watched a lot of it when we were growing up and I pretend to hate it because it was on when all my friends were watching Friends and I couldn’t be cool and watch Friends too, but, uh, in retrospect I am way gladder I watched DS9.)
Also, may I recommend some funny Star Trek Youtubes?
Drunken Star Trek: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCp4hYZgABgsSM5RP…
Gazorra’s edits: https://www.youtube.com/user/gazorra
Has anyone here ever gone on a solo road trip/hiking/camping adventure? I am a lady in my mid 20s and want to go on a month-long road trip through Montana, Nevada, Utah, Arizona and New Mexico this summer and I think I will be doing at least most, if not all of it by myself.
I’m totally comfortable driving long distances alone and regularly go on day hikes alone, but I have never camped alone and am worried mostly about safety (like breaking my ankle while hiking or getting lost and no one knowing where I am) and fear (I am very worried about being murdered even though rationally I doubt this will happen).
Any success stories/advice?
I have done lots of traveling and several backpacking trips alone – successfully. I also have fear of injury etc., so my thing is to bring my dog. I have a (probably irrational) belief that she would go for help. I also usually don’t go more than a few days out (so like 15 miles max) to increase the chances someone would stumble upon me if I needed help. Definitely sign in at the trailhead and/or let the ranger station know where you will be hiking, roughly! And tell a family member or friend when you expect to be out of the wilderness so they can call in help if you don’t appear. But give a little buffer so they don’t freak out unnecessarily.
ETA: Have a blast!
Thanks! That’s good advice and another reason that I MUST get a dog 🙂
That sounds amazing! If you’re hiking in national parks, let the rangers know where you’re going and when you expect to be back. If not, and you have people you can check in with, let them know the same info, so if they don’t hear from you you’ll only be broken/stranded for a day or so before the search teams start looking.
And yeah, get a dog!
Although most national parks won’t let them on the good trails with you, but they’re fine to hike in national forests!
Have a tent/equipment that you can set up and put away by yourself. Most fellow campers would be more than happy to help, but you can’t always count on having neighbors at the campground, and I think it also advertises more that you’re alone if asking for help. And keep bear spray and a whistle with you at all times (bear spray–not just for fending off bears). With the very rural states, especially areas of Nevada or Montana, where accommodations/campgrounds, eating places and gas stations might be few or far between, definitely plan ahead with where you need to fill up or sleep; and keeping a gas can in your car is a good idea.
With the excitement over the new Star Wars trailer and just the (oh so slow) emergence of awesome female characters in general, I want to nerd out over my favorite show/character.
So when I was 15 or so, I found a dvd in the library for two episodes of an anime called Slayers Try. It was in the middle of an arc so I had no idea about the plot, but I fell in love with the main character Lina.
She was one of those characters I didn’t know I wanted. She’s incredibly rude, selfish, short tempered, and obnoxious (a jerk with a heart of gold, really). But she’s super competent so all her arrogance is pretty justified. I never saw a character like her before and I was all heart eyes. To this day, this is a series I’ll rewatch once a year when I want to feel like a happy nerdy teenager. I could go on more, but I’ll end up writing a novel.
Tell me about your pop culture heroes.
SLAYERS!
Have you watched Slayers & Slayers Next? Next is actually my absolute favourite of the three.
Yes! Mine too.
I’m working out an urban(ish) fantasy story and I’m always in danger of making my main character an exact copy of Lina.
I would be there to read this story!
One of my favourite things about Lina is her working relationship with Xellos — they could have made it so ugh and instead they are actually functionally professional towards one another despite the whole different paradigms.
I generally love how relationships work on that show. There are so many annoying tropes that are avoided and oh man, I am rewatching a few episodes tonight.
Do any toasties have advice on handling a veritable smorgasbord of mental health issues, ie. depression (currently on prozac), anxiety, alcoholism… and trying to finish the last weeks of my undergrad degree while also coping with huge personal-life stressors? Oh man… 🙁
*hugs*
I finished my last two months of undergrad during one of the most depressed periods of my life, so it can be done. I’d recommend journaling. It’s a little thing, but it helped me a lot. Also, I don’t know how great health services is at your school, but maybe talking to a counselor would be good?
There’s also lots of good anxiety management apps–I like Pacifica and Calm, as well as a lot of really playlists. There’s one on 8tracks that’s actually called Anxiety and Panic Attacks that has saved me from many full on breakdowns. (Muse and Motion City Soundtrack are also great bands for shitty days, if you’re into music as a coping mechanism).
And it sounds silly, but just try and do little things that you know make you happy. Watch cute animal videos, buy yourself a something fun, even if it’s small, watch a good show, or anything else that you know can help you calm down.
Good luck!!! Again, I’ve been there and know how hard it can be, but just remember to take it day by day. (another thing that I’ve found helps is telling myself “right now in this moment, I am okay,” which again, sounds kind of cheesy, but does seem to help with focus and taking each moment as it comes).
Been there also — I just did day by day. Did as much as I could manage, each day. Somedays, I did OK and got all my homework and papers done, and somedays, I skipped class and laid in bed. But I passed, and I made it — just try and push yourself to do a few things each day, and don’t fault yourself when you can’t do more.
Do you have a good support system? On campus therapists? Talking to someone(s) helped me a lot, just to offload al the bad I was feeling. Getting it all out of you can make the load easier to bear.
I didn’t have the best grades that year, but when I walked across the stage to get my diploma, I was SO proud of myself, because I knew how freaking hard it was to get there.
Best wishes to you.
I’m afraid I don’t have any advice, though I’m going through similar stuff myself (last year of university, MH stuff) but just to say, if it can be of some help:
a) you’re not alone, and b) you got this *fistbump/insert preferred display of solidarity here*
Oh, jeez. Massive sympathy in your direction–I was in a similar situation while in my last year of undergrad.
I ended up doing chunks of work in between self-soothing activities (calling supportive parents, browsing the internet for custom content for the Sims–substitute whatever you find mindless and numbing/relaxing). And I skipped as many classes as I could without getting dropped, honestly.
And I guess it helps to remember that you don’t have much time left in the semester. You only have to hang on with tooth and nail for so long. You can make it through this five minutes; you can make it through this day; you can make it through this week–and there are so few weeks left.
Podcast recommendations? I’ve never really gotten into podcasts, as I prefer music when I’m driving, but I’m playing a game now that requires a lot of mindless grinding. I need to listen to something as I play. There are so many podcasts, though, and I’m kind of overwhelmed with choices! I’m thinking history podcasts, but if at all possible, ones that include women without any of that, “you’ll be so surprised to hear women did this!” subtext. Any podcasts where I get to learn cool things about the world are also welcome.
Stuff Mom Never Told You! Learning cool things about the world that involve women, as discussed by . . . two women. It is great.
If you like film/20th century history, You Must Remember This is great. The current season is about the Blacklist, and you can dip in and out.
If you’re not anti-NPR, Invisibilia is also good! It’s currently on hiatus, but it tackles a wide range of “learn cool things about the world” topics.
Criminal (true crime stories, made by women), You Must Remember This (Hollywood history, also made by a woman), Radiolab (science-y, well-known, occasionally problematic). I also really enjoy Chris Hardwick and Alec Baldwin as interviewers, I always recommend browsing through their episode lists for guests that interest you. Also, Jessica Williams and Phoebe Richardson just started a comedy podcast called 2 Dope Queens that has made me happy this week.
!!! I didn’t know this about Jessica Williams!
I really, really like the CBC podcast Writers and Company which is Eleanor Wachtel interviewing a different creative/artistic person every week — usually an author but sometimes filmmakers. A lot of them are women — there was one in January about Martha Gellhorn who I had never heard of before, she was an AMAZING female war correspondent starting in the 1930s and going until she died in the 1990s.
I really like Stuff You Missed In History Class for history podcasts, or Ideas from CBC Radio for other general learning things. The New Yorker Radio Hour is surprisingly good, and You Must Remember This is also great.
Criminal or Reveal for investigative reporting podcasts, Storywonk podcasts if you’re into storytelling breakdowns (their buffy the vampire slayer podcast is one of my faves), Sex Nerd Sandra if you wanna learn about sex stuff.
General interest podcasts that are fantastic: Call Your Girlfriend, Another Round.
I listen to far too many podcasts and am consistently two weeks behind so that was about…a quarter of what I try to listen to regularly? Augh.
here are my favorites right now:
Call Your Girlfriend
Death, Sex and Money
Open Source
Another Round
Dear Sugar Radio
Reply All
Criminal
Love + Radio
i feel like toasties who like the radiotopia stuff would also like [in addition to those previously listed]
+ allusionist
+ everything is stories
+ radio diaries
+ smartest man in the world [a joke title, by greg proops]
I will always recommend “No Such Thing As a Fish” which is a panel of British fact-finders with dumb facts every week. It’s never let me down- it’s by the elves that make the show QI if that means anything to you!
“The Allusionist” is also good with a woman talking about language and words. A lot of other people have covered my other favs!
Most of my favorites have already been listed, but to add a couple more:
99% Invisible (An architecture/design podcast, which makes it sound boring, but it isn’t.)
The Longest, Shortest Time (A parenting podcast, that is so not just for parents)
The Memory Palace (Another history one. More story-telling style than Stuff You Missed in History Class)
many of my favorites have already been mentioned, but one I recently started listening to and like is is Flash Forward.
It’s hosted by a woman (Rose Eveleth) and the premise is to investigate the real-world science and implications of imaginary sci-fi futures. So, for example, one episode this season, the topic was, “what if we eliminated all the mosquitos in the world to get rid of mosquito-borne diseases?” Each episode starts off with a short radio play set in that week’s imaginary future, and then the host interviews scientists and other experts about whether a future like that could actually happen, and what it would be like to live in that future.
Oh also, there’s a fairly new podcast called Sampler, hosted by Brittany Luse, which is literally a podcast about podcasts. She has on guests to talk about what their favorite podcasts are, and plays segments from them. I’ve found some podcasts I like just from listening to that.
Flash Forward sounds good! Thanks for the recommendation!
My must-listens are:
– Reply-All (Start with “Shine On You Crazy Goldman” then “Today’s the Day”)
– The Slate Culture Gabfest
– 99% Invisible (these are best when you mainline them and listen to like 10 in a row, so soothing)
– Surprisingly Awesome (start with the one about “Tubthumping,” it’s gold)
Not for everyone, but worth a try:
– Song Exploder
– Judge John Hodgeman
No Such Thing As A Fish and Another Round are basically the only ones I keep up with, I love them so much and definitely learn things from every episode.
One from the Vault by Morgan M. Page looks really good. It’s a trans history podcast and looks like it is super interesting, though I have not found time to listen yet.
The History Chicks! <a href=”http://www.thehistorychicks.com” target=”_blank”>www.thehistorychicks.com Each episode covers a different woman from history (with absolutely zero “You’ll never believe a LADY did this!!” subtext) and I’ve learned SO much from it. The hosts are great together, and I just cannot recommend it highly enough.
Everyone’s already made great recommendations! BUT I’ll add that if you feel like something news-y, I’ve really been enjoying the podcast version of the Rachel Maddow Show. Not sure if you’re in the US, but her coverage of the election has been fantastic.
If you want a fiction one, Welcome to Night Vale is really excellent and really weird. The premise is a community radio show in a very strange small southwestern town. It’s like Prairie Home Companion/Vinyl Cafe meets Twilight Zone.
It’s really good with representation too, with gender and relationship diversity treated like it’s no big thing.
The same folks recently started a new serialized fiction one called Alice Isn’t Dead. It’s also creepy, but also good, and similarly queer-friendly content.
The history podcasts I listen to are pretty dude heavy (I can recommend lots of great women-led SFF ones…), but with that in mind, some recommendations:
– In Our Time – 45 minute introduction to random historical subjects by 3 academics of the topic led by host Melvyn Bragg – the most recent few have been The Sikh Empire, Agrippina the Younger, Aurora Leigh & Bedlam. The academic panel seems to alternate 2:1/1:2 women:men.
– History of English – a history of how the english language developed, with the context of what was happening in England at the time. Full of random interesting tidbits. It goes chronologically and is currently in the 12th Century. No need to start at the beginning.
– The Reith Lectures – every year the BBC does a series of 2-5 lectures from a prominent person and they are all available online, back to 1948. Stephen Hawking & Dr Atul Gawande were the last couple of lecturers. Aung San Suu Kyi’s pair on Liberty and Dissent from 2011 look interesting – off to download them now…
Thank you everyone!! So many cool-sounding recommendations.
I am really late on this, but I have to recommend Mystery Show. Starlee Kine ostensibly solves mysteries but mostly has amazing and highly entertaining conversations with all kinds of people.
After a week of compulsively checking new listings and having NOTHING acceptable come up, we are going to see a promising house close to a nice running trail in an hour. Pls send good Toast-thoughts, I would like a place to live next year!
Anyone else put off their taxes to the last minute?
I’m facing a dilemma. This is my 3rd year of toughing it through taxes on my own, and the last two years my taxes were simple enough to be done free or fairly easily through a combo of HR Block/Turbo tax, checking what I owe the federal govt, checking what I owe the state, and then submitting through the cheapest method possible for free/max 20 bucks.
This year though I have an HSA and APPARENTLY that means that TurboTax needs me to buy the bloody $50 version of their software to file my federal taxes. So I wanted to stick it out on my own and do them old school by hand, but that just means I’ve been putting it off. I wanna try and do them this weekend but now the lazy part of me is also saying just pay the $50 and save your documents and do it by hand next year. I can afford it, but the stingy part of me is very much against paying for something I could do myself.
Sigh. If anyone has any thoughts, advice, or commiseration I would appreciate it!
I had a similar situation and ended up using TaxACT instead. I still had to pay (when did I get semi complicated taxes?) but their “premium” software was WAY cheaper than turbotax. I was frustrated with having to redo everything, but it didn’t take that long since I already had everything in order.
Seconding TaxACT.
thirding them! TaxAct was pretty cheap and really easier than TurboTax.
I run into this dilemma every year – I work in a different state than I live in so I have to file in both states so it gets expensive. But then I remember that TurboTax already has all my info, which makes it so much easier and faster that I just end up eating the cost instead of looking for alternatives.
You will have to take some time to do it by hand – learning and actual execution – is the time and effort spent learning worth saving $50? For ME, that answer is NO. I’ll take the financial hit and move on to something more pleasant.
See also: roadside assistance. I KNOW how to change a tire, but I’d much rather pay a small extra on my insurance for roadside assistance, and have someone in a wrecker come and change it for me.
I agree with biting the bullet to do TurboTax for convenience’s sake, but you should also look around to see if you qualify for any coupons to get a discount. For instance, my insurance company offers a code to get something like $20 off, and I think there are other, rather freely available discounts out there.
oh this is a great point, thank you!
I feel your pain. I put it off for so long that I felt I had no choice but to use Turbo Tax. I am pretty sure they ripped me off, but I just. Cant. I will accept it this year and hopefully next year will be the year I learn to do my own taxes.
Makers thread! What are you working on? What’s the next project you’re excited to start??
I finished a ton of stuff last weekend- from sewing to house diy stuff. Which means I finally get to start the baby quilt I’ve been super excited about! It’s a gift, and the parents are super science nerds so I got science nerd fabric and I love it and I cannot wait to start.
I’m a quilter and want to know more about this science nerd fabric.
I pulled a couple fabrics from this line, plus one from a line from Joann’s that’s apparently already gone, plus some really cute blenders. http://www.robertkaufman.com/fabrics/science_fair…
Are you in the middle of any quilts right now?
Oh how cute! I’ve used some adorable Robert Kaufman fabrics before. Are you going to have a certain pattern?
Yep, I’m making a quilt that’s just rainbow colors, all squares. I like just squares, letting the fabrics speak for themselves rather than making patterns. It’s going to be similar to this one.
That’s so cool!
Thank you!
Pretty! That seems like a great quilt for using up scraps!
I’m going with a super simple pattern because the fabrics are all so busy. Just horizontal stripes broken up with squares framed by solids. It should be incredibly quick to make, instant gratification quilting!
Thanks! Yes, I like simple patterns. And instant gratification is excellent! (Also, busy fabrics are great for baby blankets so they won’t show stains.)
I remember seeing some fabric that looked like watercolor images of plant cells viewed through a microscope. I’m sure they were just abstract designs, but I loved the idea of them being specimens.
I did some embroidery this week! Earlier this year I did a screen printing class and some of them didn’t come out all the way so I am using those prints on fabric and embroidering them in, like a sewing colouring book, and it’s lovely.
And this morning I got up early and taped together and traced a pattern I have been wanting to work on for AGES and I’ve cut out a muslin of the bodice to test the fit so I can hopefully use the pattern to make a dress for the wedding I’m attending next weekend.
The embroidery sounds so cool! And a perfect use of incomplete prints!
I’m making a baby quilt for my cousin’s little girl. It was supposed to be done when I saw them last weekend, but due to many external challenges I just had half the top done, but it was enough to show them how it would be. Plus it accidentally matches her room!
I’ve got an anime convention this weekend so I’ve been finishing up sewing my costume and my fiance’s! The big thing was hand-sewing star patches to the front of my shirt and his knees! Hand-sewing is so so calming. I should do it more often.
I love hand sewing too, way way more than machine sewing.
I started knitting a sweater this week for the first time in 2 years, because my younger cat is finally old enough that I don’t spend more time batting her away from the yarn than I do actually knitting. (She has spent most evenings this week sulking in the hallway or bathroom.) It’s a v-neck, raglan sleeve pullover in a steel gray cotton/linen blend and I’m trying the top-down method for the first time. I’m about to the armpits and so far so good …
And then when I’m done, I need to start installing the fake tin ceiling tiles I’m putting up over my popcorn ceiling. I’ve had the tiles for more than a month but I keep having freelance/performance/social demands on my weekends. But dammit, by next weekend, I’m going to at least get the hall done. (Assuming the sulking cat will allow me.)
Will you report back on the tin ceiling tiles?? I have extremely ugly 70’s ceiling tile and putting pretty tile over it sounds infinitely better than tearing it down, making a giant mess and likely have to resurface and repaint!
Just for starters, I got the tiles here: http://www.antiqueceilings.com/oscommerce/index.p… (I got unpainted Lisboa)–I heard about them on Jen from Cake Wreck’s other blog, Epbot, where she documented her and her husband putting them up and they looked great and easy and cheap–I’m doing my whole 730-sq-ft apartment (except for the kitchen and bathroom) for under $700.
My spring project is bread-baking! Or it will be. I haven’t started yet. But soon! I’ve also been nesting for several weeks now (I’m not pregnant… no idea why this is happening) so I’ve been doing a lot of home-bettering. Scrubbing hidden corners, buying stuff I’ve been putting off buying, picking out paint colors… it’s great.
The spring cleaning bug is definitely a thing! Another toasties mentioned baking break upthread so I think this means I should get a loaf on no-knead going…
Toasties, may I grump about Rogue One for a minute? I started to post about this yesterday, but I’ve gotten grumpier about it in the past 24 hours.
On the one hand, you’ve got sad little MRA turds whining about the new movie having a female protagonist. On the other hand, you have people doing fist pumps about it passing the Bechdel test in the teaser trailer.
I’d like to stop and point something out. The IMDB page for the film has 25 actors listed. Two out of those 25 are women. And both of those women are white.
Two out of twenty five. Okay? Let’s not get over excited about how damn progressive they are/how they are ruining things forever for having another female protagonist. Two white women out of twenty five listed actors is not exactly an achievement.
Yes, I completely feel you on this and hope that maybe I’ll see a character that is a (or the) WOC lead of a SW film (or major sci-fi or fantasy film franchise) before I die. Like, hooray for Forest Whittake and Donnie Yen (and an actress playing Mon Mothma??? she looks like Mon Mothma) but.. could we just have more POC (and WOC) in this universe at all?
Exactly. And two out of twenty five?! You’re telling me none of those dudes could have been women?
ABSOLUTELY NOT, being male was absolutely crucial to their characters use of.. something. Flying spaceships? wielding weapons? PFFFFFFTTTTTT
The male to female ratio in scifi films/books, WOC especially, is still so so incredibly skewed. I don’t know if you saw this, but John Boyega called Kelly Marie Tran the “new lead” of Episode 8. Which would be absolutely amazing if that’s really true. http://www.themarysue.com/kelly-marie-tran-ep-8/
It’s a pretty stark illustration of just how low Hollywood’s standards are.
Relatedly, for anyone who is still around: http://polygraph.cool/films/
Gardening Toasties? Anybody garden? Wish they could garden? Wish it would stop snowing so they could garden? Let’s talk sticking things in the dirt.
I put down dwarf yaupon holly, a KnockOut Rose (the only kind that grows well where I had to put it), Texas sage, various perennial flowers like sea pink and coreopsis, and planted herbs in pots this week!
For the potted herbs, I spray-painted the rims of old clay pots I had different brilliant colors. It looks so Pinteresty on my porch that all I want to do is bite my fists and squeal. Oh, and I hung three dozen mirror balls in cascades on either side of the porch fascia, too. It’s amazing.
Yay! I’m starting my peas indoors this weekend as we’re supposed to get several inches of snow.
My sister ordered me a bunch of plants for my birthday and for some unknown reason they’re starting to arrive already? I have so many plants in my house right now, it makes me so happy! I will also be happy when I can plant them outside and get my countertops back!
I planted a bunch of bulbs last year and they are blooming now! The squirrels did not eat them all, only some of them!!! And the three trees we planted our all blooming and Not Dead. Hooray!
I am currently planning our vegetable garden. I’m thinking one plot with herbs and maybe some lettuces and greens, and then some tomatoes against the fence.
(as if not obvious….newbie home owner over here, who is very pleased when anything in the house/yard turns out right!)
I am waiting for it to stop freaking snowing all the time and then my partner and I will start our vegetable garden! We’re using the Square Foot Gardening method – have you heard of it? I’m really looking forward to it because the book the inventor wrote is really good and he seems like a Classic Dad and everything seems to make sense.
tell me more all i want is a good ol dad to explain plants to me
So it’s basically like, you gotta get rid of the single-row method (AKA what we’re used to seeing where you plant a ton of each veggie you want all in straight lines over a huge area) and instead you divide up however much space you have into square-foot boxes. The boxes are each dedicated to one plant based on how many comfortably fit, and then you mix together a special soil and you’re golden. There’s a website! http://www.squarefootgardening.com/
i love this even purely in aesthetic terms, i am picturing a through-the-looking-glass-esque patchwork of deliciousness
also yes this mel bartholomew guy is clearly the daddest dad who ever dadded
On Fri, Apr 8, 2016 at 12:52 PM, Hannah Christensen <[email protected]> wrote:
i love this even purely in aesthetic terms, i am picturing a through-the-looking-glass-esque patchwork of deliciousness
I do not have the ability to start seeds indoors (not enough space), but I’ve had past success sowing straight into the ground so I thought I’d do that this year. *looks outside* Yeeaaaah that’s not gonna happen. I’ll just buy some plants from the farmer’s market.
Relatedly, I’m tempted to try planting some of my garlic cloves just to see what happens.
i COULD start seeds indoors but i’m too lazy/get stressed out by the mess of potting little things inside and having to clean up all the dirt instead of just brushing it into the grass. i have some flower seeds waiting on deck to be planted straight into the ground but THIS DAMN CITY IS NOT HELPING with that goal. HAIL yesterday?! seriously!?
buying seedlings after last frost date it is!
Same; I have been putting off indoor seeding because of my moving kerfuffle and I have no idea how much space I’ll have after this weekend. But I really should; I bought a bunch of seeds already and have extra containers.
You can still do winter sowing in milk jugs! Even when it’s snowing. I still haven’t taken my winter sown seedlings out of their jugs yet here in NC, apart from the peas. Such weird weather.
i feel bad following all this snow-is-me posts, but we don’t have snow and my garden is about 6 weeks in. some early tomatoes are getting really leafy, some squash vines are about to actually vine out from the cluster of baby leaves they’ve got going now, and my 1-year-old artichokes each have about 4 baby artichokes popping out from the center.
i went to our local tomatomania talk & sale and picked up some interesting varieties. looking forward to striped red+orange / green+yellow tomatoes sometime this summer. they also said to cut big stems and place in a glass of water and after 3 days it will grow roots, if you want to propagate from a certain plant. i think i’m going to try it!
we did kinda have an aphid situation on the artichokes [turns out they are very succulent, perfect for aphids] and i noticed a bunch of ladybugs on aphid-covered weeds in the park yesterday. i’m thinking i might today’s steps on a foraging walk with a mesh-capped jar today and bring some home.
Tomatomania! That sounds amazing!
I just have a little area on my fire escape, so the past few years all I’ve done are containers of herbs. This year I think I’m going to try a couple of cherry tomatoes! Anyone have any experience with Smart Pots for container gardening?
Guys, guys, guys!
I grew tomatoes!!! I have like 20 fruit hanging off my plants – so thanks to all of you for all your advice a few weeks back when I was in tomato despair. Also rocket/arugula is coming up nice, leeks looking good (though do I have to thin them? any leek advice?) Herbs also seem to be doing well, though my rosemary is looking a little pink…??
I am trying not to garden in my current (rental) house because we are moving this summer to the new permanent house, and also trying not to plan too much for the new house just in case the mortgage falls through. But once things are settled I am going to get /very/ excited because our lot is much bigger than I realised and goes up a hillside, which is covered with young trees and native wildflowers and such, and eventually I am going to pull out most of what is there and make an actual orchard. Also I want to do an in-ground herb garden. Also I want to plant bulbs in the front. And and and.
chicago toasties, WHAT is this weather. fuck it, i’m turning my heat up to 65. (LUXURY)
this is a long shot i know, but does anyone have a rec for a good black line/detail tattoo artist in chicago? i’ve been trolling the internet and pinterest and i’m frustrated by how prevalent the colorful airbrushed look seems to be around here vs the west coast :-/
I’m done with this, it is spring, they are playing baseball, DAMMIT, give me sun.
Insight Studios is really good with traditional linework. I got my most recent piece there and am very satisfied.
yay! will check out, thx 🙂
at this very second the sun is shining but by the end of my comment I expect it to be snowing again.
sadly no advice in that tattoo department but as to the weather, I’ve been getting by by pretending I live in Scotland. it makes it less terrible to have to wear rain boots and a winter coat every day.
i’m pretty sure it doesn’t hail in scotland it just rains beautiful red-headed men in kilts
Seriously, yesterday within 4 hours I experienced rain, sleet, sunshine, and snow. Spring is the worst, I don’t know why anyone likes it.
Speakeasy tattoo, Sean. He did a largeish back piece for me with beautiful line work!
OH. I actually have this! Louis Barak at Royal Flesh Tattoo & Piercing. I lucked into getting him on a walk-in, and he did beautiful work on a rather small/detailed piece. All of my 5 tattoos are blackline, and his was really impressive.
yayyyy will check him out!!
Yes, this chicago weather is fucking with my fibro symptoms and my damn brain. I know Chicago weather exists to be obnoxious but enough already.
I just ended a 10 year relationship. I know you’re supposed to not make big decisions or do drastic things after stuff like this, but I’m not one to follow the rules. I’m doing drastic things! I’ve already booked international travel (UK and Iceland) AND scheduled a girl’s weekend for my bday (not that drastic, but not particularly within my budget at the moment. I’m going to look at adoptable dogs tomorrow. I’m considering cutting my hair short AND dying it (strawberry blonde).
Anyone have good experiences with doing the drastic thing after a major life shakeup?
I broke up with a long term boyfriend, changed my major to gender studies, went vegetarian, and cut off 12 inches of hair in a week. It was very liberating and I felt like a walking stereotype but it was all very, very good.
Okay, don’t do something drastic that will have long-reaching (like, lasting for years) effects. It sounds like, the worst that could happen is that your hair will look awful for like 2 months? It probably won’t, but YOU WILL SURVIVE THAT if it does.
Okay, you might need to tighter your budget for a while because of travel and girls’ weekend. shrug. no biggie.
Literally nothing bad will happen with a dog. Dogs bring sunshine and happiness and are better than romantic partners and the best cuddlers. This is an A+ choice.
If you’re gonna go drastic after a major breakup, just make sure you get a book deal out of it!
This stuff doesn’t seem all that drastic.
Maybe the dog. But the dog will be great company and make you less rushed about finding a person to snuggle. So do it all.
There are other extreme choices I’m considering (e.g., Foreign Service job, moving to a new city, becoming a hermit in the woods to finish my YA trilogy), but they will take a long time to come to fruition and I’ll have plenty of points during which I can reconsider. But the dog and hair are things I could do this weekend that would affect my life for a while.
I spent all the money I had been saving for our wedding on a vacation and clothes for that vacation.
Also some of my best haircuts have resulted from ends of relationships.
Oh, God, yes.
Split up with husband of nearly ten years, moved from a 3200-square-foot ancient farmhouse to a 700-square foot apartment, chopped my hair off, started lifting weights, and generally remodeled my entire life.
Best thing I ever did. I travelled a lot that first couple of years, too, and have tons of good memories.
I got my tattoo post-breakup. I love my tattoo.
Yup I am one month post-breakup(ish) and about to chop off all my hair and go skydiving. No idea how things will turn out but on a similar thread a few weeks ago another Toastie said they BOUGHT A HORSE in the wake of a breakup, so I feel like whatever you do cannot possibly top that and if it does you will definitely become famous or get a book deal at the very least.
I went through a break up, cut my hair, and then spent a year working my ass off to get enough money to move to the UK. I live there now. It’s great.
These sound like the best life choices in the universe, like such great choices that I am a tiny bit tempted to divorce my wonderful husband just so I can make them too (although we did go to Iceland and we do have dogs, and I just chopped off my hair, so I guess I don’t have to divorce him, but SUCH IS MY VICARIOUS EXCITEMENT at your life choices that I had to talk myself down a bit).
I moved across the country and got a new job post-breakup and it was the best decision I ever made. Sometimes a breakup gives you the push to do what you’ve always wanted to do all along
Those all seem like great things to me. I think the “no drastic changes” advice refers to stuff like quitting your job or moving to a new city, not traveling, which I always support. The haircut is slightly permanent but hey, you can always change it again!
8ish years ago I dyed my blonde hair auburn after a breakup and it was awesome and except for a 1.5 year hiatus into pastel peach I have been a redhead of varying shades ever since!
Totally off topic, but what the hell: your username sounds a LOT like Molly of Buddha Doodles 🙂
Moved into an intentional community, after having a low-key interest in cohousing for quite some time, and would be happy to live with the people in it for as long as I can. I would be traveling internationally if I could afford it.
Buzzed my hair (which had been waist length) after a previous breakup. That was actually pretty awesome: Then-Ex hated it, and I couldn’t hide behind a curtain anymore, and thus got much braver in a way I liked.
Ran away to California because I was listening to a lot of Joni Mitchell. Best decision I’ve made so far in my life.
Today a dude in my department decided to do something that I KNOW Ask A Manager wouldn’t like. We’re looking to hire a new teapot engineer, to use AAM terms, and the candidate most of us preferred was the one with less experience but more enthusiasm. This dude is the holdout and is concerned with the lack of experience, so he decided he wanted to give the candidate a teapot design problem as part of the interview process. This problem he’s set will take at least 10 or 20 hours to do and he wants it in a week. These candidates are in grad school, so not sitting at home with plenty of free time. Everyone else in my department seemed fine with it, but I told him I would find it incredibly off-putting. He argued it was okay to ask because this candidate was already doing work for free for a friend’s startup, so she’s clearly willing to design teapots for free. (Oh yeah, this candidate is female, which isn’t helping with how irritated I am about this, because I’d like to not be the only female engineer here and I will be so mad if he drives her away.) I had to go to a meeting at that point and I am so mad I didn’t get to stick around and argue that just because someone’s already taking advantage of her doesn’t mean we should too. At least it won’t directly benefit the company? It’s basically redoing an existing design, so we won’t wind up using the end product, but it makes me so uncomfortable. I hate crappy work situations where all you can say is “well, at least I voiced my objection”.
Does HR know what this dude is up to?
That is an excellent question! I am displeased that the answer is we don’t really have an HR department. We’re a smallish, family-owned company that has grown to really not be that small anymore, but there are some weirdnesses left over and that’s one of them. I know that our boss knows, but I’m not sure who else would know/could do anything.
Oh I have so many problems with take-home interview tests. That’s WAY too many hours to be uncompensated for. If she MUST prove she can do the work, she should do so on site, with one of your current engineers assisting, and for no more than 1-2 hours.
That would’ve been a much better idea! I have to say, I’m really displeased that he brought it up when I said I didn’t have time to discuss, heard me voice my objection, waited for me to go to my meeting, and then made his decision and sent it to her before I came back. I’m also really surprised he went that way, because right before I left another engineer was saying “that’s the point of the probation period, to see if she can do it” so I thought we were all seeing reason. If you want someone to do a ton of work to see if she can, do it while you’re paying her.
That is awful, and way too much free work to ask for. in my field, you can bring someone in for a paid trial gig for a couple of days as a skills test but they are fully paid days. Agree with above that an hour or two is all the free project work that is appropriate as a “test”.
I present, a Very Dad Text Exchange on the eve of my birthday:
Dad: Happy almost birthday! I wanted to be the first one! *balloon emoji*
Me: Well I just got a card from [sister] and Mom texted me earlier, so you’re third and it’s not even my birthday yet
Dad: I meant your 2017 birthday *gift emoji*
DADS!!
That’s adorable. I texted my dad that I wasn’t sure I did my taxes correctly and I might go to jail… he said “I’ll bake you a cake with a file in it :)”
TOASTS
CONNIE WILLIS IS HERE ON THE CAMPUS WHERE I WORK
AND LATER I WILL GET TO MEET HER AND AWKWARDLY ASK HER TO SIGN MY BOOKS
I AM FREAKING OUT WITH GLEE NERVES
EEEEEEE tell her hi and I love her and ask if she’s going to do more Oxford time travel??
I’m not sure how forming words with my mouth is going to go in her glorious presence but I will try!
Have you read the Blue Moon short story, where someone has trouble talking and starts just forming new language at the person they love? Just do that. Or write a note and hand it to her.
The first time I met one of my favorite French-speaking musicians, I was having trouble articulating in French all my feelings. He said something like “You’ve come quite a long way for this concert!” and I didn’t know how to answer in polite French that I didn’t mind, all I knew how to say was a sweet, shy “I don’t give a f***.” (Je m’en fous. Thanks French friend who taught me that phrase.) He laughed.
:-O
eeeee, how great! She is a lovely person (I met her at a reading back when All Clear came out), and I hope you have a great time!
AAAAAAAAAAA oh yes more Oxford time travel please??????
So envious!
Ditto to begging for more Oxford Time Travel and please report back with all details!
So it looks like I’m not actually going to see her, because attending was terrifying to begin with (hello I am Sara I cannot be around people or I make the terrified horse face and die)… and then I went home to discover I’ve lost my copy of Blackout. I don’t think I can walk in there with no book to prove I’m not just some crazed idiot stalker. I’m so mad at myself right now I could cry.
How infuriating, but you can totally go without a book! (although yes, have also backed out of cool things because too scary). Sending good vibes, whatever you decide
It’s ok, there must have been a time travel reason that you couldn’t see her, like when Mike and Colin couldn’t manage to talk to Polly, and like when all of them just could not get manage to find John Bartholomew even though he was RIGHT THERE in the stairs. I bet it’s because you’re going to meet her in the future. Also, I bet she is actually Mr. Dunworthy.
She came to my college eons ago and she was amazingly gracious and kind for what it’s worth.
I have spent the entire week in a state of near-constant anxiety. For absolutely no reason, too, since I’m still unassigned at work and have just been studying for my upcoming exam.
I just keep feeling this urge to pack up and run away.
I just chose the university I’ll probably be going to in september, which is terrifying!!! I realize many of you are American (as am I, just in a different country) but if any of you have any experience with Cardiff University, i’d love to hear them!
No personal experience as a student, but if you’re at all interested in medieval Welsh stuff, Sioned Davies is a delight.
I think I figured out where I’m attending as well! Go us!
What will you be studying? I don’t know the uni particularly, but a GREAT colleague recently started there in the English department. They seem like they have some fun stuff happening in that area.
I’ve applied to study history, which they’re pretty good in the league tables for! I’m glad to hear that there are good staff in general though!
I have a friend who went to Cardiff and loved it!
How do y’all cope with the combination of homesickness and imposter syndrome? How do y’all cope when you’re already trying to cope with those things and then straight men on the internet decide to be creeps and or asshats? (I used lots of passive-agressive full stops in responses telling them not to contact me any more) I feel like I’ve been running on the sort of over-tired energy that toddlers get before they nap and now i just want to curl up and cry then get on a plane back home, which I can’t do because money. I’ve reached the point where even things like the two year old I nanny saying things like “that’s silly!” to me is really distressing me, and i can’t go out without being stressed by the fact that amsterdam bike-etiquette is different to my-hometown bike-etiquette. All two of my local friends are out of the country the whole weekend.
Actually it seems writing out everything I’m feeling on The Toast is pretty helpful, but if y’all have self-care ideas that can be done for 0 money, or tips on coping with feeling burned out and stressed by the high-pitched yells of little girls when looking after said little girls is your actual job, please let me know!
Sleeping, talking to The Toast (seriously! It’s like group therapy), drinking tea or another soothing beverage, baths, walking outside in sunshine. Also excercise, especially if it can also tire out the screaming kids. Some big public garden where they have to run run run, touch the red tulip, now run back and touch a yellow one, hurry! Now run back, go go go! And also pretend games where you have to whisper because the scary monster is going to find you.
And tell the straight men that you also are a man, actually. I did that to a guy on a discussion board once, a guy I would regularly see online so I couldn’t just avoid him unless I left the group. Then after he freaked out, I said “Just kidding, haha!” and then a few minutes later, “Or am I?” He couldn’t trust anything about my gender after that so he didn’t bother me again. (Edit: I’m a woman. Also he thought I was a teenager, and then he was confused when I mentioned having finished grad school a few years ago. I just hadn’t bothered to correct him, because I felt that one ought to be just as polite to a teenager as to an adult.)
Oh this is fantastic, definitely going to use it next time!
Any sewing toasties? I bought this midi shirtdress from Target in some silky, poly fabric that I absolutely love in terms of cut and versitility. This was despite reviews that the seam, which runs down the back, is prone to separating.
“Surely not, I will be the exception,” was probably not the correct thing to muse because…yeah. The first place it separated was mid-back and I patched it. The second place was RIGHT on the butt and I took it to my seamstress for more professional intervention.
Thought everything would be fine but now it’s coming apart in a slightly lower location. The dress FITS, but I guess is not meant to be sat upon because that is why the seam separates. This seems impractical.
Despite all that, I am determined to persevere. Any advice? I am just fine at basic sewing but not so much sewing problem solving. I think basically the whole back seam needs to be reinforced with something wide.
You could have it turned into a very stylish tunic that is juuuust short enough that you don’t sit down on it!
I mean, I’m certainly no expert, but I would just re-sew the whole seam unless the problem is that the fabric is too weak and it’s raveling and pulling away from the seam. Is that what’s happening?
That is basically what’s happening. I think the fabric is basically too slippy/weak, so when there’s any pressure on it, it just unravels and slips out of the stitching. The patch I put in seems to be working pretty well, in part (I think) because it was an iron on so the threads were first bonded to the sticky part before I stitched around the edges for reinforcement.
One option, which may be much more work than you want to put into a Target dress, would be to take apart the dress at the back seam, reinforce it with strips of organza, and then resew it. That would probably preserve the drape better than reinforcing with iron-on patches the whole way down the seam.
Oh but it’s something your seamstress could do easily!
Anyone else watch season 2 of Happy Valley. I am so glad that the woman who was kidnapped and raped in season 1 is in season 2 as a 3-dimensional character and not just a victim, in fact hardly a victim at all. Such a good show. If you have not watched it, go to Netflix and watch it now!
YES! So, so good. I love Catherine so much. Wonderful characters and great acting.
The woman who plays Catherine was also on The Paradise and her two characters could not be more different. She is so good.
She stars in Last Tango in Halifax as well, which I also love. Sarah Lancashire FTW! Binged all of HV Season 2 over a weekend.
Oh, that is really good to know! I’m partway through season one and am just so furious and appalled on her behalf, knowing that her character has more (hopefully positive? I’m going to believe positive) developments coming her way is really helpful.
Yes, can’t get enough of Happy Valley! I really hope there is a season 3!
Ugh the BBC is just knocking it out of the park lately. Happy Valley is so, so excellent.
I’m a regular lurker/rare poster, but I’m gonna be away from regular internet pretty soon, so I just wanted to say that The Toast is the best and I’m gonna miss my daily reads. And I love reading the comments just a much as the articles! This is the best online community I’ve ever seen.
My job moved to a new office, which is closer to me, so I’ve been waking up a little later because it’s more convenient, but it also means I’ve missed many of the roundups this week, and they are my favorite thing, and it has made me very sad, because hanging out here is a consistent delight.
Ugh, relationships.
I have been engaged in an unfortunate period of exting recently (exting=texting one’s ex, like sexting but without the fun), and he keeps sending me flirtyish texts in the middle of the night like we’re not even broken up, and I don’t know what to do. Every time it makes me really anxious and sad, and otherwise I’ve been doing fine, so I should probably just tell him to knock it off, but also I really don’t want to not talk to him at all?
I’m probably too late to get any advice on this but if anyone is around I’d really love to know if anyone has thoughts on how to stay in touch with a recent ex or if it’s just a bad idea.
Can you block his texts for a little while? If it’s making you feel anxious and sad, then it’s something you don’t need. And you shouldn’t have to explain anything to him about it.
Stay in touch later, if you want. But if talking to him is making you feel bad right now, I’d take a break from that for a while.
Like, if I told him to not talk to me, he would stop, which is clearly the right decision, and yet not what I want to do at all? I’m so confused and I have so many feelings.
What if you put a time-limit on it? So you’re not just deciding to never talk to him again, but just for the next month (or whatever).
I know what you mean, though. It’s really hard, to suddenly stop talking to somebody you used to talk to all the time.
Yeah, that’s probably a good idea (maybe the best idea). Just trying to actually go through with it, which is hard.
I’m a big proponent of no contact, even though it can be really challenging and sad. It’s totally weird and jarring to cut someone who was your best friend/confidant/etc. out of your life completely, but you CAN adjust to it (if you decide it’s the right thing for you). I’ve been doing it since my breakup in December, and while it occasionally makes me feel kind of guilty/cold, the reality is that I’m in a much better place at this stage in the process than I’ve been in past breakups when I’ve tried the whole keeping in touch/trying to be friends thing. All of this is despite the fact that this was a way more serious relationship, and a much greater loss, than what I’ve experienced previously. It’s obviously really hard, but I framed it for myself as, the only thing I can control is how I react to this breakup, so I’m going to make sure to do it in as healthy of a way as I can, and I’m going to prioritize what I need/my own well-being above all else. And ultimately I know (as it sounds like you might, based on what you said above?) that no contact will ultimately make me feel the best, so it’s what I’ve been doing. It doesn’t mean ruling out the potential for future friendship, but kind of acknowledging that right now it would not be a great idea for me. (I keep telling myself that I could only do the friend thing if my ex were like, “Hey, I’m dating a person!” and I were in a place where I could be like “Cool, I’m happy for you!” and mean it. Soooo maybe never?! TIME WILL TELL. OR SOMETHING.)
I think the most important thing is to be kind to yourself, not beat yourself up for anything you’re feeling, and try to prioritize your own well-being. (Fun fact: this is all easier said than done!) Sending big virtual hugs your way.
Thank you for this very helpful and thoughtful comment.
We’d been together ~4 years, I don’t particularly want to have broken up, it feels complicated but is in fact very simple.
I think whether or not it is a bad idea depends upon the ex. If you can tell him, “Look, you mean a lot to me and I would like to keep being friends with you, but it is really painful when you flirt, so please do not.” and he listens, then that seems awesome! And if he won’t listen, well, then probably you need the space, because that is a very reasonable boundary he should be listening to.
Thank you for this advice! Flirty is maybe the wrong word? More, like, he continues to talk in the way he did when we were together?
I’m very confused about everything, including what I actually want out of this situation.
Are his flirty texts in the middle of the night thinly veiled booty calls?
I think a period of no contact is usually a good thing, even just a month to cool off. Especially if his texts are making you anxious and sad! If he’s a good dude he’ll understand and respect whatever boundaries you need.
We didn’t talk for the first three weeks after we broke up, maybe I just need more time.
They’re not literal booty calls since he’s several hundred miles away, but I think they’re like, emotional booty calls? They’re more romantic than just flirty, I guess.
Chiming in belatedly to Nth the “take a break from all contact” advice–even though you’re still both great people and it will be nice to be friends eventually, you and he both have to do a lot of rebuilding and you con’t do that if you’re still stuck on the pieces of your old relationship. I know it’s not fun to hear and it’s probably worse to do–but it is worth it. Maybe prepare yourself in advance by making fun plans with other friends or finding a new show to binge-watch the day you’ll let him know?
Adding another voice to the chorus: having a long period of no contact is critical to processing, healing, and moving on, and it should probably last longer than you think it should. Even when you think you’re ready to re-engage him in any context, wait some more. Try not to worry about staying in touch or what your relationship with him might be like in the future. If you all are meant to continue a relationship as friends at some point, that will reveal itself to you at the right time.
In my experience, it’s super hard to tell someone you love not to contact you when they’re the only person you really want to hear from, but it’s so important to focus on adjusting to a new situation and it’s nearly impossible to do that when you feel like you’re still in your old situation because you’re still in contact. (This is especially hard to do when a break-up is amicable, which it sounds like this one is.) Slowly, though, you will adjust, and it will be okay.
YOU GUYS HILLARY CLINTON WAS IN MY OFFICE BUILDING TODAY.
I saw her, she waved. I didn’t get any work done today at all. Everyone was milling around trying to get a glimpse or a photo of her.
Ugh I can’t figure out how to upload a picture, but it was great. She’s so lil’ IRL!
That was totally me. Also everyone. We were trying to figure out which elevator she was using so we could skulk around and snag a picture or handshake (unsuccessfully – a really handsome and nice secret service guy totally shut us down).
We didn’t even know she was coming until this morning, she was allegedly going to the local cancer research institute but a change of plans put her in our building instead!
Toasts! I was venting some anxiety in the open thread a couple weeks ago about how my mother seems to dislike my boyfriend for completely mysterious reasons. Her visit went way better than expected! They bonded over (of all things) tactics for lobbying the government to spend more money on Zika preparedness and whether mosquito gene-drives were a viable options for eliminating the virus. Hugs all around. I’m super relieved.
Was just thinking, maybe this will be the day I figure out how to embed a gif, as this is certainly cause for one. And now I don’t have to!
Pelmeni, yesss!!! Finally, Americans are discovering the magic that is pelmeni.
If you’ve never had them, head to your nearest Russian or Ukrainian grocery now. Get the “Siberian” kind — that’s the classic pelmeni recipe. Drop them into well-salted boiling water. After they come up to the surface, cook for 6-8 minutes. Take them out with a slotted spoon, dress with butter, sour cream and a sprinkling of vinegar. (The vinegar is essential.) Have the epicurean equivalent of a religious experience.
By the way, some people serve pelmeni in their cooking liquid. Boiling pelmeni produces a really yummy broth.
Is it pretty much just a dumpling? What’s the filling?
Siberian is a combination of beef and fatty pork, which produces a very tender filling. Some people also add raw onions, which, when cooked, contribute to the tender texture.
That sounds awesome! I love any and all dumplings, and that sounds like a hella good dumpling.
Is there such a thing as vegetarian pelmini?
Vareniki. Potato dumplings, which are just as delicious.
excellent. Thank you!
I’ve seen vegetable (e.g., mushroom) and cherry ones at the Russian grocery store here.
I live in a Russian neighborhood that sells these loose in giant freezers. I’ve always been too confused to try them but I think tonight is the night! Sounds yummy.
I PUT IN MY NOTICE AT WORK!! I AM MOVING TO SOLANA BEACH, CALIFORNIA!
I also need friends, if any of you Toasties are in that area and don’t mind taking in a stray (for friendship purposes. I already have a place to live).
not in the area, but also quitting my job and moving to the west coast. HIGH FIVE!
WOO ROCK ON! West Coast, best coast ( I am very annoying, as you can see).
HELLO. I think maybe you posted about neighborhoods not that long ago, yeah? I’m down in the city proper, so I’m waving north.
YES I remember you! Thank you for your suggestions! I ended up finding a teeny tiny apartment a block from my work. It’s the size of a thimble, but its walking distance to a lot and across from the beach, so I’m not complaining.
You are living the dream my friend.
Thank you, I know. I’ve spent the past 3ish years in North Carolina aka the foul birth place of HB2, so it its definitely time for me to go.
Solana Beach is so pretty!! Congrats!
Hey Toasties! I need some advice. I applied for a gap year program in October and I unexpectedly got in. It’s completely free and in a country since always wanted to go to. But I’m really unsure I want to do it. I’m really happy with the college I’ve decided to go to and I’m so excited about the classes and the city that I can hardly wait till September to attend. I don’t want to be stuck in a 5th year of high school but I also don’t want to regret turning down a (FREE) year studying abroad for the rest of my life. I know that college will be there in a year but I’m not burnt out at all.
Go go go. I regret turning down a cool gap year opportunity just because I was in a hurry to go to college. College will, as you say, be there. Go! You will NOT regret it.
Personally, I would do it. That sounds so exciting and it’s free! No only will college still be there in a year, you’re not going to miss out on anything social or academic at all. “Your” class will be the one you enter with, not the one you graduated high school with. And in all likelihood, the classes you want will still be available (if not next year, then your sophomore year – a lot of classes alternate years in availability). Living abroad is an experience that is so hard to replicate and, I think, so valuable.
Good luck with the decision! I have complete faith that you’ll choose whatever is best for you, whether it’s going abroad or not.
Studying abroad was one of the best experiences I had in college, and I think independent travel really helped me grow as a person. And FREE! you should totally go. Most colleges will also give you a deferment for a year, especially if its for an educational program, so I would check into that to allay any concerns there.
I really hardly ever post but I always read…but today I just need to vent a little bit. This is the end of my first week back at work after 12 weeks of maternity leave.
I miss her and it’s going to be like this forever, that 12 weeks was all I get.
This isn’t possible! I cannot do this. I am MAXED and I have done NOTHING but work and see my baby for 3 hours a day. Every second of my day is spoken for and if the tiniest thing goes wrong it will all FALL APART.
And I am so lucky! I am confident in her daycare, I make plenty of money and my workplace is pretty supportive, I have a spouse who is pretty supportive. I get to go feed her at lunch every day. How does anyone do this.
I am currently still on maternity leave and therefore have no advice, but I have empathy – it sounds so, so hard. Good thoughts for it getting easier soon!
I did this – you can too! It does get easier when you don’t have to feed them every 2 hours and when sleep, blessed sleep returns to your life. You become faster and more productive. It is the super power of parenthood.
AND
if ‘all’ you have done is work all day and SUSTAINED A HUMAN LIFE, then cut yourself some slack sister. That is A+ productive livin. You don’t need to be also working on solving cold cases and redefining capitalism. YOU HAVE MADE A HUMAN.
It is very hard.
I got through the first few years by remembering that I was in child care for the bulk of my formative years (when not in school, of course), and I maintain a (fairly) positive relationship with both my parents.
This will not scar your child for life. And in two years, when Baby Girl is old enough to talk back and you’re exasperated by having to tell her to get her shoes on for the umpteenth time, you may actually be grateful for the “downtime” that is work. May. (It still sucks to leave your babies.)
DID YOU ALL KNOW ABOUT ROASTED BROCCOLI AND DIDN’T TELL ME?? >:|
Oh my god it is SO GOOD I’m never eating anything else again.
ROASTED BROCCOLI! Who knew!?
YES! When I discovered broccoli, I spent a brief time hating my parents for always steaming it when I was a kid. So many years of missing out on the best thing ever.
Take it up another notch with Smitten Kitchen’s Broccoli Roast.
That’s how I found out about it! I’ll eat anything that blog tells me to.
Ah, good to start out on top!
did you try the eggs in purgatory recipe she posted the other week? It was *chef fingertip kiss thing*
Alas, I cannot eat tomatoes, so I did not. It looks amazing though!
just wait until you try roasted CAULIFLOWER
I always thought cauliflower was a waste of effort to eat (like crunchy water) until I tried it ROASTED.
I just tried this a couple weeks ago! Big thick roasted rounds with garlic butter and herbs. It was a revelation *___*
There is a Persian buffet I go to and 80% of the reason I go is they serve roasted cauliflower and you can drown it in hummus.
Unfffffff.
yussss!!!!
One of my favorite recipes EVER is Melissa Clark’s Roasted Broccoli with Shrimp. It is also on The Wednesday Chef’s blog. It is so much more delicious than it has any right to be!
That and roasted Brussels sprouts have been a revelation.
You can also roast CABBAGE. Quarter it, drizzle some olive oil, roast it until it’s tender and starting to caramelize on top. nom nom nom
Basically i <3 brassicas
????????
*A WHOLE NEW WOOOORRRRLLLLDD* 😀
Yes!
My favourite is roasted romanesco but the romanesco we get from our CSA are so tiny it is usually gone in about 5 minutes because our daughter loves it too.
I love it! I’m making some tonight. <3
http://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/1015248-roaste…
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TRY THIS: http://www.bonappetit.com/recipe/roasted-and-char…
(I had a friend who stayed with me for a month and left me both several copies of Bon Appetit and some nutritional yeast. I was like WTF is nutritional yeast?! and then I saw this recipe and tried it and it was amazing.)
It’s also delicious sauteed with red pepper flakes and served with couscous! Broccoli was a REVELATION once I realized there was life outside my mom’s lifeless steamed veggies.
yes, and i’m sorry i didn’t tell you. there’s also grilled broccoli, which i think is best if you do it with broccolini. it has all the great things about the roast, but also, the char!
Apparently all my notifications suddenly started going into my spam folder.
So like everything I posted never got commented on, and I thought I had suddenly become exiled from The Toast. Or I was posting really lame things. Happy to find out that isn’t true!
The same thing has happened to me and I would never have figured it out if it weren’t for your comment. Thank you!
Toast, tell me your favorite Dad Jokes. Or bad puns, I’m not picky.
Here is my dad’s favorite joke (which he claims to have made up himself, whether or not this is true is questionable):
Why does the ocean roar?
You’d roar too if you had crabs on your bottom.
I LOVE IT
thank you
I’ve been listening to The Adventure Zone podcast and it is RIFE with dad jokes. It’s literally these three brothers and their dad sitting around playing D&D, and the dad goes for every pun imaginable. None spring to mind, but I highly recommend it for when you need that fix!
ooh, thank you!
My own favorite puns I have made:
At book club: “Ah, well, I never metaphor I didn’t like.”
After working on a research project about nuns: “All of this research is inspiring canonization jokes. Those tend to go over like a lead ball, though. I guess I’m just hitting the wrong audience.”
Deep down, I am a Dad just trying to escape
Q: What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs having a seizure?
A: Jocelyn.
Is…this a joke I am not understanding or is it just making fun of disabled people? (I am hoping I am just not understanding it.)
It’s a classic (i.e. old and incredibly outdated/dumb) joke setup and structure that mainly serves as a delivery system for a terrible pun/play on words. They’re not great jokes, but there’s no offense intended. In this case, it’s Jocelyn (sounds like jostling).
Example:
What do you call a guy with no arms & no legs lying in a pile of leaves? Russell.
Why did the fixie-riding hipster have the right of way?
He was into the intersection way before you were.
What’s the body temperature of a Taun-taun?
Luke-warm
I have already retold this once. I thank you (but my office doesn’t (groans all around))
None of my friends appreciate it either, but my dad loved it as much as I do.
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
[wait for person you are telling the joke to to say ‘Arrrrrr’]
Ah, you may think it be R, but his first love be the C.
They also treasure X
And if you want to get really nerdy with it… But what they love most of all is making people walk the h (where h = Planck’s constant)
I used to tell the paired joke:
Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Interrupting cow
Interrupting c–
MOOOOOOO
Knock-knock
Who’s there
Interrupting coefficient of friction
Interrupting coeffic–
MUUUUUUUU
also interrupting starfish: grab the person
and interrupting sloth – which is just so slow everyone cracks up
my phone (Cortana) told me this one
A Roman soldier walked into a bar, held up two fingers, and said “I’ll take 5 beers please”
This is the joke my father told my mother on their first date. I am kinda surprised there was a second date:
There was a kind who felt it was time for his only daughter to marry. The only problem was that there were no eligible princes in any kingdom for miles and miles around. So he called in his committee of trusted advisors and asked them what he should do.
They think and think and finally one of them says, “You know, I heard a story about a princess who kissed a frog and it turned into a handsome prince.”
“Great idea!” the king says, and orders the royal hunters to round up every frog in the kingdom.
A few days later, they fill the throne room. The royal pages try to number them and line them all up in rows but with limited success, because the frogs all just jump around and don’t follow directions very well.
“Now, daughter,” the king says, “I want you to go in there and kiss all of those frogs.”
“Why?” the princess asks.
“So you can get married,” the king tells her.
The princess gives him a funny look but goes into the throne room anyway.
There are hundreds of frogs of all colors, shapes, and sizes. She starts to kiss them, one by one.
After two days of continuous frog-kissing, the king finally decides to check up on his daughter.
He goes into the throne room and asks her, “How is going, my dear?”
She shrugs and carefully picks up a little green frog with brown speckles, kisses it on its head, and says, “Well, I guess I’ll marry this one.”
My Dad (sweet, sweet, wonderful man that he is) will laugh and laugh and LAUGH and laugh at:
“Two peanuts were walking down the railroad track. One was a-salted!”
Pun of the Month, March 2016:
My husband and I are driving down the back roads to visit my mom. It’s nighttime, but the sky is clear and the moon is full. The highway is empty and we’re moving at a good clip. My husband notices a flock of sheep in a field to our left.
HUSBAND: Look! Sheep!
SINGARIELSING: *rouses from her dozing, whips her head around* Where?! Oh man, I missed them.
HUSBAND: I guess they passed you . . . like sheeps in the night.
Actual conversation:
Wife: the nuns [who sell pastries at our local grocery store] haven’t been here the last few weekends…
Me: maybe they’ve changed their habits
Wife: well i HOPE so!
Also: What do you call a depressed therapist? (A down comforter)
Relevant to current teaching:
What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws; a comma is a pause at the end of a clause!
I broke my left foot last Thursday night, so I’ll be on crutches for the next 5 to 7 weeks. Bleh. I did get a temporary handicapped parking placard, though, so that helps.
Then this morning, I ran my tongue over my teeth only to discover I’ve lost a chunk of one of my premolars. Great. No clue how it happened. Fortunately, it doesn’t hurt, but I still want to have it looked at, so I scheduled a dentist appointment for early next week.
My bones are weak and I will not survive the winter.
Solidarity on foot injuries. I’m finally getting back to normal after foot surgery and it was so demoralizing. I was shit at crutches so if I had to be on them for longer than my 2 weeks I would have looked at getting one of those knee scooter things.
The knee scooter helped when I was busted, but not as much as I’d hoped it would. Being on crutches made me a lot more aware of why the ADA is necessary but not sufficient. The post-crutches rehab was not much fun either, although I got some very nice PTs who didn’t take it personally when clients were tetchy and frustrated. (One told me that he once got popped in the face by a client, but she was a frail lady in her 80s and followed it up by kissing him on the cheek, then demanding to know why he’d made a pass at her. I at least didn’t do any of those.)
With you on the ADA thing. Between my very short stint on crutches and a weekend around someone in a wheelchair, I am convinced that curbs are the devil and I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for someone to navigate that shit all the time.
And there are things that try to be accessible, but then fall short when you need to use them. Case in point: the door to my office building. There’s an auto-open button a few feet from the door, but the door needs to be unlocked for it to actually open. To unlock it, you need to scan your keycard at the reader right next to the door. You have to do these things within a few seconds of each other, so it’s very very difficult to manage if you have a mobility impairment.
Hi Toasties! My advisor is being super helpful and recommending people to talk to at the summer program I am going to, even though it’s at another school and why does he know all of them, and I am so excited!
I even sometimes believe that I can do math a little bit.
Long time lurker, first time poster. I’m writing to get advice – my husband told me two weeks ago that he loves me but doesn’t want to be married to me anymore. For context, we got together in high school, got married 6 years later, and this year was going to be our 10th anniversary. So I’ve been with him forever, never truly been with anyone else. So I’m pretty much terrified.
I’m also pissed, even though I understand where he is coming from. I was always the one who had my shit together, earned the money, had the cool job, the college degree, and he was the emotional support. Our last move, it took him 3 years to find a job, any job, and I stuck with him even though I knew he was lying to me about applying for work. The last couple of years have been really rough on me professionally (though I think I’m finally beginning to turn a corner!). I know I’ve been depressed, and the last 6-9 months I truly have been needing to work ALOT to keep my head above water, while he’s been making friends and going out with people from his new job. Which I support! But I feel like he’s bailing on me the second I got weak and vunerable, and its bringing all of the perfectionist tendencies back to the surface. People tell you not to worry and its all in your head but here when I started to fail, really for the first time in my life, the worst DID happen.
The last few months he’s been totally checked out – I realize now he was trying out a mental separation without telling me. He says he didn’t want to impact my life knowing I was struggling at work, but in the meantime it totally wrecked my self-esteem to see that he was distancing himself from me but not knowing what was wrong. Still don’t really…no specifics from him. The really sad thing is I ALWAYS knew it would be this way – I even told him, multiple times when he was overdoing it telling me how much he loved me for years and years, that he would finally get his shit together, and leave me the second I turned 35. For the record I was off by a year. Turns out if you are enabling a man-child for over a decade his growing up may be a future without you in it.
So now I’m staying in another apartment thinking about what to do. I know in my heart that divorce is probably the best option but I just can’t bring myself to be the one who quits, on anything – its probably both my best and worst quality. I’ve asked him to see a therapist and I’m trying to see one too (supposed to have 1st appointment Tuesday, I called ahead and I wasn’t on the schedule at all, grr…). I was thinking each of us seeing someone separately, then trying a couples counselor would be best.
He says he isn’t sure if he wants to ultimately stay married, continue to be a romantic couple, or just stay friends. He swears he’s still physically attracted to me, though I have my doubts (for the record no radical changes to my looks lately). For my part, if there’s not a romantic relationship or attraction on his end I’d rather initiate divorce proceedings now and move on with my life, terrifying as that is. I guess I’m asking for practical advice on how to proceed, and how you know when it’s time to give up?
YOU are not the one who quit! You said it yourself–he quit on you months ago. Do NOT go to a couples counselor—he’s already bailed on you, why put yourself through trying to figure out why?
Trust your inner voice. Give yourself the respect to not try anymore.
You don’t need to justify a thing. You don’t need to have a reason. You don’t owe him any “trying”. You don’t owe him, period. You are not quitting. You are respecting yourself by not putting up with his equivocation.
This is awesome, excellent advice.
It’s such a shock now, but once you start picking up the pieces and moving onward and upward into life sans the manchild, I really think you’ll see that quitting is sometimes the smartest move. Lots of love to you!
You especially also do not owe him being friends, or letting him be the one who decides if you guys can be friends. What he actually means is that he wants to keep getting your emotional support while not actually having obligations to you (and/or he wants the validation that if you’re still friends, he must not have done anything truly unforgivable). Be friends if you want! But ONLY if you want, and ONLY if it will be a friendship that is as beneficial to you as it is to him.
Thanks for the kind words. I’m trying hard to focus on me right now, but I guess why I’m hesitating on pulling the trigger is I can see where he has legitimate grievances. I have bailed on some social stuff that in retrospect was really important to him over Winter break when I nominally had time (I behaved really badly at New Years in particular). Its just so strange because he was super supportive, and then suddenly in January he turned into a different person. I wish he would use his words and tell me what happened then, and if he was having problems say “this is what I need to stay in this marriage…can you do this or not.” I guess if he isn’t even willing to have a conversation or if he’s been holding things in for years and can’t do it anymore then I can’t do anything.
No matter how badly you fucked up (which, for the record, not having the energy to go to something that you only found out in retrospect was important to him is not fucking up, it is at worst inconsiderate), he doesn’t get to dump all this on you when he apparently hasn’t even thought far enough through the consequences for divorce to have occurred to him. It is not fair for him to ask you to help him work through this – you’re not a neutral party, and you shouldn’t have to be.
Of course he has legitimate grievances! Everyone does after 10 years, and so do you.
But he’s not handling those grievances gracefully, IMO. Telling you after he has already emotionally left is pretty gross.
Edited to add: Hugs for you, if you would like some.
I want all of the hugs thank you!
Bailing on stuff and behaving badly occasionally comes with the territory of being a human being, and husbands are supposed to support you in that endeavor. He hasnt been doing his job. Fire him.
“Give yourself the respect to not try anymore.”
I love you and you are a genius person.
aww, thank you! Not a genius, though, just the voice of bitter experience.
Well, you write that experience out really beautifully 🙂
That sounds awful. It sounds like therapy is a good idea, who knows, he might have all kinds of other things going on that therapy will help with. I imagine it’s really hard to try to stay level-headed and not just set him on fire. Focus on yourself, what you want your life to be, what you need in a partner. It might be that you weren’t getting that all along but your professional success was able to gloss over it.
I recently had a work fail that was pretty world-rocking. Try to keep the two things separate and deal with them on their own. His reaction to your work struggles go in the him bucket, not in the work bucket. It sounds like you’re getting your work mojo back, now you just need to get your love mojo back, which may or may not include him. Good luck, and hugs.
I don’t have any answers but *toasthugs for you*
Also I’m furious on your behalf, fyi. Manchildren. Ugh.
Oh dear. This sounds so hard.
Has he filed for divorce? I mean, he says he doesn’t want to be married anymore, but has he actually filed the paperwork? Or is he waiting for you to do it?
I hope you are still planning to go to therapy by yourself. It will really help to talk it out and cry it out with someone who is a compassionate listener. And if you have a session with a therapist who isn’t that, find another one!
No, and he seemed super alarmed when I mentioned it. My parents came to town last weekend (just passing through). They know everything, and he, completely of his own volition, offered to come to lunch and see them and everything. I have zero idea where his head is now.
Well, I’m not sure he has any right to be surprised, when he mentally checks out of your relationship and then says he’s not in love any more, divorce or separation is a very logical next step.
It sounds like you are doing a lot of the heavy lifting in the relationship– maybe you’ve made mistakes too, but it’s his responsibility to call you on that instead of just avoiding you for months. My guess is he is starting to realize that instead of you frantically working to fix the relationship (probably on your own, or with a small amount of input from him), the relationship might actually be over.
Also, sorry, I’ve been through a bad divorce, so I probably am projecting a lot, but when he’s offering to come to family things and he’s all on his best behavior, I worry that he’s playing “good guy” in front of your friends and family. My ex drove me into the ground with his abuse, and then went around telling all my family that he was thinking of having me committed because I had gone crazy (i.e. and that’s why I left him). I couldn’t talk to my mom for a year because he got to her first. It’s good that your family knows everything! be sure to keep them informed– that’s the only thing I’d do differently if I could go back and do it all again. Definitely keep Team You in the loop.
I’m so sorry you went through that awful situation! I’m 100% confident that my parents have my back no matter what. After ugly crying to my mom on the phone for a few hours when this first happened she is now calling me once a day, so they are most definitely in the loop. I’ve been really humbled by how supportive my friends and family have been – I’m not the best at keeping in touch and I can see now where I could have been a better friend in the past, and I’m so grateful for the other people in my life (and nice people on the internet!)
Oh god, I could have written all of this. I’m so sorry you went through that too.
The more I read about this guy, the less I like him. I suspect you’ll start to see that at some point too, but be gentle with yourself in the meantime. Your Team You sounds super, and you sound really intelligent and on top of things and I am sure you’ll look back on this and just be like “wow I am so much better and happier now!”
One of the things I’m still angriest about re: my divorce was that he said “I’m not in love with you anymore” and clearly hadn’t thought beyond that. I had to be the one to be like, “are we getting divorced?” and “you have until x date to tell me if you want to stay married” and “you get to do all the work, since you’re the one who wanted this” and “hey, just fyi I’m taking $50 out of the money I owe you because I got fined for missing a court date you didn’t tell me about.” Ass.
That’s pretty typical. Awful, nasty, selfish, annoying…but it seems to be standard. Manchildren, indeed.
Oh, Fish, I’m so sorry.
The first thing that came to my mind is: the last babying of him you every have to do might be breaking up with him properly, as he does not seem to be able to do it himself.
Oh, Fish, I’m so sorry.
Having been where you are, I have this to say: get a divorce. No counseling or negotiation is going to help a man-child you’ve raised for ten years who *is still not mature enough to handle his own shit.* Because, as plenty of other people have already pointed out, he’s expecting you to do all the emotional labor here, just as you’ve done all the other labor.
Don’t expect him to grow up suddenly and be a good friend to you, either. SarcasticFringehead has it dead on the nose with her advice.
Getting divorced and being on your own for the first time is terrifying in a lot of ways. You’ll learn to be by yourself, though, and end up having a hell of a good time. Not just a “good time” good time, but *good* times.
Wise words above, and I have nothing to add except
I have no wise words, but my forever bestie is going through something similar, plus three kids, two of whom are special needs (not to minimize your situation if you don’t have kids, it helps sometimes to know other people are dealing with similar shit). Just know it wasn’t anything you did/didn’t do. He got to this asinine epiphany all on his own.
And hugs. ❤️
Fish, I’m sorry. I agree with others here that couples counseling is *not* called for. And you get major props for getting yourself into counseling.
You’ve been together since you were teens, since you were children. You’ve grown up to be a very fine, responsible person. He was not required to grow up at all, with you being the adult. He did mature a little, but not much. He’s still assuming you will do all the adult chores. He’s likely unaware of that assumption. Manchildren.
He’s had how many years with you? That he is not your equal by now is how you know it’s time to give up.
How to proceed? Talk with divorced *women* who can recommend their lawyers. Check out the faculty at the nearest law schools and universities, looking for someone teaching law with an interest in women’s rights. Call that professor’s office and ask the staff to recommend a divorce attorney.
::Toasthugs::
Late, but let me chime in with get some therapy on your own. Not couples, nope. You may not realize exactly how exhausted you are by the emotional heavy lifting until you have the chance to talk it through with a professional. And that can make a huge difference in the decisions you make for the long term.
I just had an awesome meeting with my advisor and another faculty member about possible dissertation projects, and it went so well, and I finally feel like I might actually graduate and not hate my life this last year of school!!! Just sharing with toast friends as I’m not going to see anyone today and have to let some of my bubbling happiness overflow a little.
Wishing you all a marvelous weekend!!
I found the last year of school with dissertations sooo much better than the others! Wishing you luck, good projects and supervisors!
THRILLED for you!!! #gradcore
So Toasties this has been A Week.
I realized that a friend who I’ve known/been close to since high school has morphed into an unpleasant person to be around. I’m taking a break from her for now but having that realization at all is still unpleasant.
Then on Wednesday I had my first truly creepy street harassment incident. I’d noticed an unstable guy walking behind me and talking to himself as I walked to the subway. I ignored him and kept going. As I stopped at a corner, a woman came up next to me and said “That guy’s been following you for three blocks. I’ll walk with you.” She walked me to a restaurant and waited with me until I got a cab.
So many feelings regarding this but the main 2:
1) Gratitude for the bystander. So much gratitude. The situation might have never escalated but she certainly kept it from doing so.
2) Anger at the people who when I told them of this responded in ways that made me feel at fault. Seriously, y’all? I’m an anxious human who skews hyper vigilant. I was aware of my surroundings, And I did nothing wrong.
On the plus side, I received the pencil sketch of a piece of fan art I commissioned last month. It is Princess Leia with a light saber and I love it so dearly. I’ll post when I get the finished piece
Ugh I’m sorry that happened. That sounds really unsettling and scary. That said, I’m so glad that someone awesome stepped in to help you out! It’s a good reminder that while some people (that dude, for example) are the worst, many people are not! I had an experience a few years ago during which a coworker and I were leaving work (in a pretty empty part of East Harlem) after working late, and a dude started following us. We didn’t really want to go back to our office and have to spend time getting out our keys, unlocking the building, etc., so we just ducked into a dollar store, walked around the aisles for a few minutes until we lost him, then hauled ass to the bus. I honestly don’t know what I would have done if my friend hadn’t been there.
I’m so glad that lady not only recognised it could have been a dangerous situation for you but also stepped in to help!
I had an encounter a few years ago (I was early 20s) at a train station with a guy who either just did not understand basic social cues or was willfully ignoring them (while I was pointedly reading THE SHINING and saying no I don’t want to talk, no I don’t want to tell you about my book, and making zero eye contact and minimal conversation beyond “mmhmm”) – eventually I picked up my bags and told him very directly “Oh look there is my friend! Goodbye!” and walked to the furthest away single female I could find on the platform. I walked up and told her that a man was bothering me and could I just stand near her until the train arrived. Thankfully she said absolutely and even insisted on sitting with me on the train until my stop, such a kind thing for a stranger to do!
Hi. Lax is going unpredictably and it’s snowing a lot and going to be 28 F tonight. We have 5 games scheduled for this weekend and 8 inches of snow due and I have nothing to tell parents yet re: cancelled games.
I got in touch with son’s counselor. I will need to call CFS. Basically I have completely collapsed, have absolutely no ability to tolerate humans at this point (when the phd student offices are too loud for you…), and I can’t stop sob-hiccuping trying not to bawl. Apparently I found my limit, and it is today.
Jedi hugs. So many Jedi hugs.
Sending you all the gentle thoughts. None of what you are dealing with is fair.
*hug*
Can you cancel a game or two? Just because you need some rest? But tell the parents is weather-related. ::Toasthugs::
Today’s games were cancelled. I’m still waiting to hear about tomorrow’s–it depends on whether the sun melts the snow on the turf (like 4 inches worth), or if we get another wave of snow before tonight.
The stress is that both days were round-robins, which means 8 schools’ worth of “are we or aren’t we” reply-all emails on top of parents calling/texting and my kids dropping like flies to the stomach flu.
I am glad to have today to regroup, I’m having a lazy morning, doing my taxes, and then rewarding myself by buying those captain america leggings someone mentioned in the link roundup this week.
Then we’ll see how tomorrow goes.
I think the reaction yesterday was all the reaction I’ve been holding in since the kids came back home and I found out about her foot, and once they left again I could let it out, but it had built up.
ETA: official snow record, 7 inches. We’ve had Aprils where we got 4 feet overnight, so I guess I should be grateful?
Wow, I live in upstate NY in a lake effect snow band and we haven’t had as much April snow as you! Hang in there, toastfriend. Glad you got some games cancelled and got some breathing room.
Has anyone ever gotten their sinuses flushed out via surgery? I’ve been dealing with this nonsense since November and I FINALLY will feel some relief at the end of the month. Is the recovery period really rough? My boss basically commanded me to take the entire week off.
Okay, I’m doing it. I’m getting back into Fallen London. It’s been a few years.
Oh man, everything is changed! I can’t find the travel button! What’s going on?!
Oh! Apparently I just made my way through the “recordkeeping” questions and now things are settled.
Welcome back, and let us know your username so we can shower you with invites!
(Theoretta Rizing, at your service)
Unsurprisingly, I’m Kayjayoh there, too. I’m oddly fixed on my username, and get made when I sign up for something and SOMEONE ALREADY HAS IT. [*cough*intensedebate*cough*]
Just wanted to say thank you to everyone who gave support and happy ending stories from biopsies in last weeks open thread. I still have a few weeks to wait, but I’m feeling less panicky about the whole thing. I decided I’m telling my mom but only once she’s back from holidays.
Toasts, this is very random and I normally don’t post in open threads, but I just finished Visitor, the new book in C. J. Cherryh’s Foreigner series and I want to squee about it on the Internet, whether or not I have anybody to squee with. I’ve commented on the author’s blog, which is, as far as I can tell, the liveliest forum for discussion of her books – but there isn’t a hugely active fan community, and it’ll probably be several days, at least, until there are more than a handful of other reader comments about the new book, judging from past blog activity.
I have no idea if anyone here reads these things, but AHHHHHHHH and also wtf????? and SWEET JESUS YES and this is definitely a game-changer, this book. I won’t post spoilers unless other people want to talk about this book, but if you’re considering reading it and haven’t, seriously, there is a thing that happens near the end that is HUGE and plants the seeds for a really big change in the series going forward.
p.s. if you don’t know what I’m blathering on about but like anthropological scifi where there are also gunfights and explosions and space ships and whatnot, please do check this series out, but DON’T start with Visitor; it’s number 17 in the series and you will be confused. (You might be able to go back to Tracker, number 16, since the series is written as a collection of trilogies and Tracker was the first book of the trilogy we’re currently on. Personally I’d recommend just starting from the beginning though.)
Idly started watching “Black Butler” on Netflix, then fell *hard* for the manga and I have been reading it non-stop for a week on my Kindle. It has everything I like: capable-yet-fucked-up people, supernatural protectors, cool outfits and tea parties.
Very simple question for the commentariat: Is “Kraft dinner” the same thing as macaroni and cheese? I’ve wondered for too long and now I must know.
I think so? But I’ve always just called it macaroni and cheese, so. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I have known several Canadians (disclaimer: I am not Canadian) who use the term “Kraft Dinner” to mean Kraft macaroni and cheese, so it might be regional/national.
This is indeed the Canadian term, or at least in my neck of the woods. I had no idea this wasn’t universal.
Yep, this is what I know of it.
From what I recall of my grocery store’s mac & cheese aisle, I think so! (I live in the northeastern US) But I have never bought it, I always go for the store-brand 50 cent box of mac & cheese which tastes just as good.
yep! I recommend reading the “Canadian Culture” section of the kraft mac & cheese wikipedia page for much regional hilarity
Wow! That is all so specific and weird. Favorite new bit of knowledge is that the UK calls it not cheesy but “Cheesey.” I guess like “witchAY” as opposed to merely “Witchy Woman.” At any rate I know what I’m eating this weekend and I will raise my fork northward in solidarity.
Canadians call Kraft mac and cheese “KD”. Is there another Kraft Dinner usage in the states?
Nope, “Kraft Dinner” doesn’t mean anything in the US.
It meeans you are listening to that Barenaked Chili Peppers song and feeling vaguely uneasy because what exact food are they going to buy for a million dollars (and also is the monkey going to end up in it)?
It’s the great Canadian/ American shibboleth.
Super late, but, Toasties! Just wanted to share how positively gleeful I am about my new living situation this summer. Through sheer good luck and friends of friends, I will be living with a lovely lady couple. Just to rattle off some reasons why I’m so excited: they have a beautiful DOG who I can SMOOSH, it’s a HUGE apartment (I’ve been living in a BOX), they’re glorious and funny and social but introverted, they’re being very generous about how much the Boy can sleep over, and it’s only four blocks away and incredibly affordable for this part of NYC! I just can’t wait to bask in the estrogen and cuddle their pupppppp.
Feeling minorly guilty that the Boy hasn’t figured out his apartment situation yet, but proud that we have made this difficult but healthy decision. Now I can travel next year and we can both devote more time to ourselves – not to mention that we will DATE and MISS each other again after almost three years together/two cohabitating. I’ve known for some time that the Conventional Relationship Path will not work for me – at least, not now, not at this age – and damn if this step doesn’t feel Right and Good.
Late post (I was considering going into fertility woes in 2-uterus 0-sperm households, but I’ll save that for another day)–instead, any baking suggestions for the weekend? I’m in a cold, rainy/snowy place and my wife has decided she is rejecting all chocolate cakes except our sour-cream chocolate birthday cake…help!
Someone on yesterday’s thread asked for cake advice and got a million suggestions! SO MUCH CAKE second comment down.
Cold/rainy/snowy? I’d go for making bread, personally.
Thanks! I was stuck on a bus for 4.5 hours yesterday and would have totally missed this if you hadn’t pointed it out! Alas, my apartment is probably too cold for bread to rise properly. 🙁
When I get desperate I put my bread dough in a bowl over a pan filled with hot water and drape the whole thing with a towel. Just have to keep an eye on it to avoid over rising.
I’d make cinnamon rolls…
If you can get a large styrofoam ice chest and a measuring cup full of steaming water, you can make a proof box. The chest needs to be big enough to hold the water container next to the bowl of dough.
I bought the All Cakes Considered book because when I got it from the library I made the first cake in it — Sour Cream Pound Cake — four times and it was PERFECT each time. So there is another choice, and also the book is full of other wonderful cakes, except just use butter all the time, even when she says crisco.
I was stewing over this at work and I thought, ‘Yea verify, THIS is a question for The Toast if ever there was one!’
The Christian monopoly on beauty, specifically.
I recently deconverted and for some reason this is really bugging me. There seems to be this idea, particularly in Christian sci-fi, that Christianity has a monopoly on Beauty/meaning (think C.S. Lewis/Tolkien). In Lewis’ That Hideous Strength, there are very direct conversations in which one protagonist realizes that Christianity has the true, vital beauty and her previous secularism was really dull, boring, ugly. The ‘evil’ in that book is portrayed as uniform and mechanical. There is a discussion about ‘unisex’ gender relations and how the true beauty lies in (traditional) masculinity and femininity.
There is a dreadful Reconstructionist post-apocalyptic fiction book called “Heiland” in which the evil secular US government is just unbearably ugly, postmodern, utilitarian, and it is the Reconstructionist Christian rebels who have a monopoly on beauty and meaning (even as they drop a bomb that destroys an entire city full of secular ‘sheep’–truly disturbing stuff).
So my question: do any of you have more examples of this idea, or other general thoughts on it? I realize this is such a little issue by comparison to other issues of religion but I have been pondering it for a while.
I will try to post a fuller answer later but in brief I’d say it is because anyone who prioritized a hierarchy of the Beautiful has read a heckuva lot of Plato (and maybe the neoplatonists) and that means there is a decent chance they were educated by Jesuits or in the English clerical tradition. It’s a category that just doesn’t have that kind of resonance for other people.
(I believe i am quoting Lewis when I now say “it’s all in Plato!)
You are quoting Lewis, specifically the Professor in the Chronicles of Narnia series. 🙂
@chai_party , there’s also a historical context to consider regarding when Lewis was writing–architecture, design, and art in the late 1950s moving generally moving towards Brutalism or minimalism, and many of the intellectual elite believed that “beauty” was an old-fashioned concept, and that “progress” was more valuable than anything else. It’s actually part of the reason why we’re in OMG climate change territory now, because the natural earth and her beauty were not valued as much as profiting from the resources that could be taken from her.
CS Lewis saw this happening in post-World War II Britain, and the implications of it terrified him, appropriately so, in my opinion.
Thaaaat said, I don’t agree with Lewis regarding traditional gender roles, but I do believe (as a Christian) that submission is a “hideous strength”, and that it is to be valued, acknowledged, and treasured.
You know, I had never thought about submission being the ‘hideous strength’ in the title – I may be misunderstanding you but it sounds like a really interesting interpretation.
Yup! It’s the only way I can think about submission and obedience without wanting to set the world on fire, because (again, as a Christian) it takes so much strength to accept that I am not an infinite being, and I do not know God’s will.
(If more people (men) in the Western church thought about submission in this light, and particularly about their own call to mutually submit to their sisters in Christ, I am convinced that many of the issues the church has with women would be booted right out of the sanctuary doors)
You are so right! I used to know a wonderful Christian man who would say “The great God of the universe is too big to fit inside your tiny pea brain.” (Meaning anyone’s brain.) And that is comforting. I don’t need to understand, and I can’t, but it’s ok because God has it all under control.
And there are some men who do get it about submission. Their wives are lucky, and the guys know they’re lucky to have such great wives. (But as for me, I’m happy to stay single forever.)
This very strongly. It draws from a very classical strain of thought in Christian theology that not all Christians are totally comfortable with; it does get bastardized and passed on to people who don’t even know that it’s what they’re drawing from and appropriate the ideas in a pretty bizarre fashion, at times. People who still draw on this in contemporary times often face pushback even from within Christian circles because it can get pretty patriarchal in terms of its application in the real world.
It’s related to, but distinct from, a strain of thought among Christian writers who are suspicious of an overly empirical approach to the world that catalogues and quantifies everything–but this is often associated more strongly with industry and capitalism than just the big bad secular world, and these authors are often critical of the institutional church’s collusion with these entities.
Yes, and he is also echoing stuff the nineteenth century had been chewing over a long time: you see it in H.G. Wells with his ugly Morlocks and helpless, beautiful Eloi, and in Dickens lamenting factory towns overrunning natural beauty and replacing imagination with fact, and so on. There is a big debate running back to the late 18th century about whether science and rationality will necessarily trample beauty and humanity and spontaneous joy. Lewis identifies his expression of resistance to the industrial/bureaucratic/scientific complex as Christianity versus secularism, but it’s really very like other viewpoints that aren’t as uniformly Christian or even religious, but are pro-spiritual, I suppose. Here is Wordsworth more than a hundred years before:
One impulse from a vernal wood
May teach you more of man,
Of moral evil and of good,
Than all the sages can.
Sweet is the lore which Nature brings;
Our meddling intellect
Mis-shapes the beauteous forms of things:–
We murder to dissect.
Speaking about personal beauty, also in Dickens it seems like beautiful characters are always good (even surprisingly so, like the low born barely educated Lizzie Hexham, remarkably beautiful and good, and rewarded with a good marriage.) Likewise I feel like all the ugly characters in Dickens are bad, and have names like Mr. Starkwallop and Mrs. Mudcrutches. (I just made those up.) And it was the era of phrenology when they believed the shape of the head could indicate if you would be a criminal.
And even earlier, in fairy tales like Snow White or Cinderella, the most beautiful character is the GOOD character. Any time someone disguises herself as an ugly old crone, it’s a TRICK because everyone is supposed to believe an ugly old crone is bad.
So, I’m guessing anyone who is writing a story where they want you to side with the protagonists, it’s a quick shorthand to make beauty on the side of the good guys. Even Emperor Palpatine is ugly! And Darth Vader is deformed, and Jabba the Hutt is hideous, etc. Princess Leia is beautiful, Ewoks are cute. Hobbits are cute, Elves are beautiful, Orcs are ugly, Mordor is a wasteland, the Shire is beautiful. Gizmo is cute, Gremlins are ugly, Smurfs are cute, Gargamel is ugly, He-Man is handsome, Skeletor is ugly. And in Beauty and the Beast, the beast only turns beautiful once he has found meaning and goodness and love.
Just a super quick post before I run away to a meeting and forget, have you looked at Lewis’ “Till We Have Faces”? (The protagonist and narrator is an ugly woman.)
That is one of my favorite books of all time, and it makes me weep.
Isn’t it wonderful! I got to be in a play of it during college! It was so much fun. But not as wonderful as the book itself.
Also, C.S. Lewis himself became a Christian after being an atheist for many years, so it may be that the comments about the dull, boring and ugly secularism were his own thoughts on his previous beliefs.
It’s been years since I read “That Hideous Strength,” but one of the most memorable parts to me was near the end (I think?) when the women were getting dressed in a room full of fine clothes but no mirrors, and they realized they were supposed to be each other’s mirrors, to see each other’s beauty rather than look at themselves. I love that.
I’m super late to this party because I forgot I was going to ask the Toast this, but: my household started using YNAB this year, so now we have a budget, so now we have actual money set aside every month to give to charity!
So far, I’ve (because I tend to be the one who remembers this) only given to abortion funds, which are great and which I will continue giving to until abortion is accessible to all women, but I wanted to check if others have favorite causes they give recurring donations to?
I use patreon, which I love, and I also donate regularly to the toast! Other than that I usually donate to whoever asks in my various social media feeds and try to keep it reasonable for my own budgets.
The local food pantry, because what they can do with a dollar is just astounding. And my local women’s shelter/ domestic violence advocacy/ rape counseling & kit collecting organization because they do lots of important things.
I know a bunch of incredibly smart people who work at GiveWell, which is an evidence-based charity evaluation website. Their whole deal is finding out which charities save the most lives per dollar, which is not everyone’s goal, but it’s pretty cool. http://www.givewell.org/
I started giving to Scarleteen when they did that big donation drive. I like that they’re working directly against everyone who thinks teenagers and young adults should only get judgemental and limited info about sex and sexuality and gender and relationships.
I give to my local food bank and also to “we the protestors” – two places where my money goes a long way and I feel like I really trust people to do good things with it.
All The Toasties! I was at Cornell last night and I met Nicole and saw Mallory IRL again and it was super glorious! I’m the woman from Northern CA who Mallory talked about on Twitter and WOW guys, everyone (speakers and audience) there was amazing and smart and charming beyond measure. I heart The Toast so hard it’s crazy. Thanks for making this comments section the best community online.
I would like to share my celebrity crush, electrical engineer and successful entrepreneur Limon Fried, aka Lady Ada:
https://vine.co/v/iBLAtxxrBin (or you can go to http://www.adafruit.com and click on literally anything. Hope you needed a new hobby.)
OMG she is super and we use Arduinos to teach girls STEM and make science!
I will see you Lady Ada, and raise you Simone Giertz!
I’m late again, but I just wanted to say thanks again for the pen pal advice!
In other news, I am in love with this lunch box and fully intend to buy it for myself with my tax return: http://www.potterybarnkids.com/m/products/mackenz…
I’m late, but does anyone have stories of successfully getting their security deposit back from a reluctant ex-landlord? It looks like I’m going to have to take ex-landlord to court, as it’s been over a month since I vacated the place and she’s not responding to any of my correspondence.
This is super jurisdiction-specific. In my jurisdiction, there is a special tribunal for landlord-tenant rights, and you can’t even bring those disputes to court. Generally landlord-tenant law has quite a few resources out there – I would start by googling resources in your area.
Are you a student, by chance? I had really great luck getting a damage deposit back from a reluctant landlord by using by university’s legal aid clinic (the reason he didn’t want to return my deposit was because my neighbour had BURNED HIS APARTMENT DOWN, seriously damaging mine, which my landlord counted as damage, but that’s another story)
yeah, it’s by state and by city, but in LA we have a rule that if they don’t address the issue within 21 days, they are supposed to pay the entire thing, so look for your local landlord tenant handbook. ours is managed by the department of consumer affairs.
There’s also a rule about having to pay a penalty percentage (maybe even double?) for any amount improperly withheld after the amount of time allowed. I had a hard time with an old roommate (who owned the house) until I put in my email “as I’m sure you’re aware [you’re going to owe me big $$$]” and got a check within a few days.
Look up renters’ rights for the city in which you rented. Most laws are generally protect tenants, but you’ll need to know which specific statues you can apply to your situation. Also, I’m sorry, and that blows. 🙁
I just wanted to think everyone who was so nice and supportive and thoughtful last week, when I was having a meltdown about managing my 360-persons office phone list on excel. I did get forced into a meaning sooner than I wanted, and it started really badly but ended up in some potential resolution–long details in reply.
–she insisted I couldn’t be stressed by the phone list because I “wasn’t doing it” [in a timely enough fashion,] that she used to do it herself (when we were at least under 200 people; possibly more, and at least three fewer offices) so she knows how long it should take, that my concerns it was being affected by a fibromyalgia/anxiety thing didn’t matter because she has peripheral neuropathy (which I have also had!) and “we all have our crosses to bear.” When I suggested that I’d gotten some advice that there might be a different way of doing it, she snapped “This is the database” and icily asked me if I knew how to use Access; to which I said no, but I would rather learn that from scratch than keep fiddling with Excel, so she asked what I thought woud be different about this magical database, and I said well, would it be possible I wouldn’t have manually enter or delete the info for each time someone appears. So she said that would be possible, but then flipped around to saying it wouldn’t make a difference I’d still be unhappy about having to call and e-mail people multiple times, I said that was true, but I was trying to think of ways to mitigate even part of the problem, but also maybe we could look at how the info is collected. So she asked what I would change and I said it would help to have people contact me, and I’d tried to do so, and she gave me this really nasty smile about how it’s not so easy to get people to do things, is it? (Which does leave off any discussion of whether it should be clearly made and written down whose job it is, or that the “request” could come from the managing partners and they could send out a “fear of God” e-mail every time people started to slack off–since when they’ve done that for other things, like the trial reports people are supposed to send me (both to publicize and also to somehow, without any real guidance, sort and organize in a bunch of ways)–they totally slack off, managing partner sends an e-mail saying “this is a requirement” and lo and behold suddenly I have 15 in the space of an hour. (It would be even nicer if the managing partner coordinated with me on WHEN to do this, but okay.)
But anyway, then she did made kind of an exasperated gesture and said “Fine! It’s taken away from you!” and then went into this whole thing about how if I’m not doing the phone list, I no longer belong even peripherally in the IT group (the website I guess doesn’t count, even though certainly at this point the technical stuff would matter more to making a productive change; nor does stuff like training people to use constant contact, manage client mailing lists, building an accessible library of marketing materials everyone can access, and other things I’ve done or have been mentioned) and she didn’t know WHAT was going to happen to me, because she works so hard to protect her people, and suggests that she’s been “protecting” me from the lead secretary (who has no problem sending me guilt-tripping e-mails about how everything needs to be accessible and 100% updated to all attorneys at all times because that represents the firm and they are relying on me) and then my boss switched to this tack of how she never hired me, I was “given” to her after having been hired as a paralegal and then leaving that department for reasons she knows nothing about. So I said, no, I was hired with the specific task of looking at every page on the website at that time for errors, designing a specific format for the attorney bios, examining competitor sites to propose a round of changes we could do without an external designer, all of which I did, at which point it was then suggested I work on rewriting other site and brochure materials–although again, without much guidance, I couldn’t do that much for true overhaul rather than style and clarity. ANYWAY, originally I was a “paralegal” in so much as the attorney who signs the paralegals’ time cards and steps in to make assignments/deal with power-mad attorneys as needed, was the one signing my card. We very briefly explored having me act as an emergency paralegal for court filings, but after two or three runs with the head paralegal–who I physically couldn’t keep up with, especially in January, I said that without more formal training, I wasn’t comfortable with that because I was really concerned that I might make a mistake with significant consequences, and everyone agreed to drop that. And I ended this by looking her in the eye and saying “It was not that I was dismissed as a paralegal and moved here,” and she got super-defensive about how she didn’t mean anything like that, she was JUST SAYING all she knew was that I started as a paralegal and then wasn’t and she hadn’t been advertising for anything, but she was willing to find work for me–although that move happened about two years before she assigned me the list, so apparently the web stuff I was doing then did count, although then she went on another tangent and said normally a firm would have HR or payroll do this, since they directly get the information and she just does it for. . .reasons, including keeping me in the department.
So then I said (I think–a lot of my memory of this got very fuzzy) that well, my focus when I was hired, and as conveyed through the managing partner, was that the website and then additional marketing work was the heart of my job, that it was for my writing and my research, it felt really disheartening and punitive when she decided abruptly in January to cancel the plans we were making to move to a new website–something I’d spent a lot of time working on in the fall) because I was struggling with the phone list and then went and told the managing partner/my dad without allowing me to be in the conversation, she interrupted me angrily and said she NEVER said that, because she doesn’t talk like that, and she did that just so I would have less stress and it doesn’t count because she and MP/my dad were talking about a whole bunch of other things that day so it’s not like she intentionally excluded me; I said that wasn’t my understanding and I’d especially made a personal note of it at the time, because I was so disappointed, and that when MP Dad mentioned it to me, it was already contextualized in this “it’s okay, don’t worry about it” and I felt I had no recourse to say, well, no, that’s not how I feel about the situation, looking into moving the site is not the cause of my stress, and actually having to deal with our awful hosts and bad tech indefinitely would be much more stressful, and I’d like to look at other organizational possibilities. So she said, well, she didn’t care I wrote it down, because it’s completely and totally not true.
So at that point, I just kind of broke eye contact and started talking to the wall behind her head and said something like, “Okay, you’ve said I can’t possibly be stressed by the phone list; that it has to be something else, and so maybe this is it, maybe we have a fundamental communication problem and I am willing to take responsibility for that, but if that is the case, that makes it all the more obvious I should either ask for a leave of absence or just resign, because being in a situation where any suggestions I make about either tasks as a whole or specific aspects are going to be immediately dismissed, where I’m going to be told that my memories of conversations and my understanding of my work and my feelings about the job are just wrong is so much more fundamentally unhealthy for me I should go. Because now I’m in a position where I can’t discuss work issues with anyone else, since my boss is your boss and I don’t want to be scolded for going over your head, but I also can’t even talk to my father about it as my father because that has also caused problems in the past, so I’m essentially, as far as I can see, stuck, having my sleep and my pain levels and mental healthy continuing in freefall, and again, if that’s a communication issue, I will take responsibility, but it also shows that this is just no longer tenable, and I should leave so that I can put adequate time and energy into advancing my writing and teaching jobs.
AND THEN she switched gears completely and started to cry and said she didn’t MEAN to make me feel bad, she just didn’t know and assumed I was just having a bad attitude about the phone list as a part of my job I disliked (I didn’t point out that I’d brought up the moving between tasks as a fibro problem before) and gosh, it shouldn’t be like that and I should talk to anyone I want and they don’t want to lose me, and if everyone is so much more excited about marketing than they were five years ago, I should just do that, and maybe they should even hire someone part time I can train, and then I could work from home two days a week as long as I answered my e-mails IMMEDIATELY (which is still not necessarily a solution to other aspects, but okay) and to talk to my dad and tell him she gave her blessing to whatever we decided. So on the one hand, phone list gone! And apparently she already took away the birthday list but hadn’t bothered to tell me! And maybe this will lead to a solution where I can someday leave this job.
On the other hand, at the end I had to reassure her that I understood she hadn’t meant to make me feel bad, which I don’t even really believe, and still feel like the whole thing involved so much gaslighting my head is still swimming.
There’s some other stuff going on as well, including that I majorly fucked up other job today–was going to attend a program and RSVPd; when I went to go to bed last night the Damn Cat had peed again, so I decided to sleep on the couch and set my phone, computer and radio to be alarm clocks and fucked up with all of them so I overslept and missed it, and am pretty clearly having some depressive avoidance/inertia stuff going on touching but not exclusively about this. And, in all honestly, some of this is upsetting in a way I am embarrassed to admit, but I don’t absolutely need this job. I lucked out being born to a father that makes a lot of money and I have a trust; not Paris Hilton/Pritzker family rich, and I don’t live off it now, but there’s enough I definitely could quit, buy insurance on the market, spend several months just writing and trying to teach a few more classes/up my teaching game and the cats and I would not freeze or starve, and then just maybe I could become a legitimate candidate for teaching more AND getting my book to agents–I’ve gotten so much really good feedback but am just stuck, because inertia/depression/avoidance. And maybe find a new doctor who doesn’t treat me like shit and might consider prescription marijuana, and a dentist, and actually have enough time for self-care instead of being on the verge of complete collapse. And in a way, it feels really hard to invest in reinventing this job when so much of me just doesn’t want to be there, and part of me feels like it’s just kind of playacting. And then I feel like the most spoiled brat in the world.
So! Literally off to therapy again–I printed out your comments, my therapist read some, and said she is super-impressed by our little community. And tonight I will read the rest of the thread and be less about me.
So, way tl;dr–thank you for giving me the courage to at least not just keep drowning in this, whatever happens next. You are lovely and amazing.
Okay, so she (1) dismissed your concerns because she assumed you have an attitude that you don’t have, even though you brought a number of concrete suggestions on how to make the work easier; (2) called you a liar when you reminded her of actual events of which you have actual evidence; (3) suggested that you’re incompetent and other people don’t want to work with you because you said you weren’t comfortable doing high-stakes law stuff for which you’d never been trained; and then (4) as soon as you called her on it, turned it into a situation where she was the wronged one and you had to comfort her?
This is a bad boss, and it sucks that you have to deal with her, and I hope the situation gets resolved in a way that works for you (and I know it’s not your problem anymore, but who honestly expects a manually-updated comprehensive contact list for 350+ people to be up-to-date every minute, that is ridiculous).
Your trust allows you some flexibility. You are enduring abuse at your current job. Stop enduring and resign. Decide whether your resignation should include an offer to return as a part-time, work from home employee with a job description *you* write. Describe only the projects you want to work on or that will help you get a better job. Then start a job hunt with the extra time that comes with your resignation and/or part-time status.
You deserve better. You are a rock star, with your ability to speak truth to power and your responsible attitude about getting therapy. ::Toasthugs::
Soooo I have just taken a job in L.A. and am going to have to move there soon. I know a bit about neighborhoods in the west and north, but new position’s in Southeast L.A. (like east-of-the-710) and commuting from somewhere like Highland Park doesn’t seem feasible. I’d really like to be able to walk to a few things in the neighborhood (I’m considering Whittier, e.g.). Do any of the L.A. Toast contingent have fave SE L.A. neighborhoods?
I spend a lot of time in Downey for work and it seems like it has some promising pockets of walkable streets?
Sweet–thank you! That’s actually where the position is, so I’m happy to keep that on the list of places to look. I’m currently in San Diego and planning to drive up to scout places the next couple of weekends.
I live in NELA but would consider parts of East LA and Boyle Heights near gold line stops, just because you’d be commuting from east of downtown primarily against traffic, and those areas will make the rest of your life in LA more convenient. If you think you might take the train, the blue line goes south and connects to the green line, which goes through south downey via the 105 freeway. i understand if that sounds like a long shot, though. or if you’d be into a commute straight down the 710, alhambra is a nice area and you get the benefit of fantastic dumplings.
i really wish I knew more about points south, but there’s that huge industrial swath around vernon that kind of takes the idea of a halfway point north-to-south out of the equation. i agree, whittier doesn’t look like a bad option, though downey itself has some old-LA charm to it. a different side than what most people are used to here, but still.
looking at the map, i see a porto’s bakery right on downey & firestone, you’re going to want to hit that up right quick.
Welcome!!!!
Check out Long Beach, too–it’s a pretty nifty city, and has a thriving queer community. Tons of adorable mid-century houses in walkable neighborhoods, and your commute shouldn’t be too bad going north to Downey. Rosemead and Alhambra are also pretty great, but a bit pricier.
I finish grad school in just over a month (degree is in social work administration and planning – not clinical practice – this is an important distinction as most social work jobs are clinical and I’m not qualified to do that, nor do I want to). I’ve been job hunting for two months. I was turned down from one job because I applied too late. I was turned down from another and they cheerfully asked me to apply for an unpaid internship instead. I exercised great restraint in not telling them to die in a great big fire. No one else from the 20+ places I have applied to has responded in any way yet.
Until. Yesterday I applied for a job that I thought was a bit too much of a stretch and got a call back within 90 minutes. I have an interview next Wednesday! Yay! My old boss sent me the job announcement a couple hours ago and when I told her I already had an interview her response was “For THIS job??!” which I am assuming is a good thing. (A followup request for any insight she can share hasn’t been answered yet.)
Anyway I’m totally stoked for a lot of reasons but I also am a little bit sad and scared because at least two of my classmates also applied and one of my besties has an interview on Thursday. We’re doing equally well in school but I’m a stronger candidate overall. This is giving me weird feels, TBH.
Non-clinical social work FTW! I wish we had a SW admin program within my MSW; that would have been awesome.
Congrats on the interview! I totally feel you on the application pain: it took me a year of applying, interviewing, and part-time gigs before I got my (underpaid) full-time job. You rock! And major good vibes for your interview! Getting one for a job that feels out of reach is a major boost.
Today I went to the dentist for my annual checkup and was in and out in about two minutes; comments I received included “Spotless!” “You have no tartar at all” and “I’m looking for problems, but I can’t find any!”*. It was a massive self-esteem boost, even though I know it is almost certainly genetics rather than effort on my part. What things have cheered you up today?
*This sort of thing is why I have never quite grasped dental phobia, as all of my dentist experiences so far have been very brief checkups with no intervention needed. One day I will have to have work done and suddenly get it.
That’s great! I feel so morally superior when they tell me how great my teeth are. And on bad visits, I hate myself after the “you aren’t flossing enough” scolding. Who are these people who wield so much moral power, dammit?
Yes, it makes me feel so morally superior (even though I know it’s probably mostly down to genetics – I very rarely floss, for one thing), but I know that if I ever have the slightest thing wrong I will be filled with shame and feel like I have ruined everything. Dentists’ power is weird.
That seems as unlikely as ever finishing a tube of chapstick. Two minutes? No tartar at all? You’re a unicorn.
Basically all of my dental appointments have been like this, but my current dentist (who I have only seen twice) is extremely complimentary about my teeth, so it is very comforting. (I hadn’t really realised it was weird before! I don’t think I’ve ever had a checkup that lasted more than about five minutes, as there’s never been anything wrong.)
Life is kind of… Nothing’s [i]wrong[/i]–my kid continues to be amazing*, I am doing well at work, my job search has all but concluded (awaiting the official offer letter), and we’re slowly getting our place in some kind of shape to move.
I’m a little surprised by how hard my due date approach is hitting me. I am not okay. Next week, I will be at a professional conference where I will be expected to network and be interesting/interested from too early in the morning to too late in the evening. All I want to do is crawl back under the covers of my bed and stop interacting with the world. I should go back on my antidepressant, but I’m not even motivated to do that.
*I took her in to get her ears pierced last week. We went to an actual piercing and tattoo place rather than a Claire’s because I’m SUPER-bougie. My child, my seven year old child, informed me on the walk to the place that I was not to “tell stories about [her] life” because she wanted to do all the talking. She had a *slight* crush on the piercer; giggled and blushed her way through the experience. I will not be able to handle her in six years when she becomes an actual teenager.
I actually found that it was easier to have something to concentrate on that kept me focused and moving and didn’t allow me to sink down into inactive sorrow. Not that it’s possible to avoid, but having something “in the moment” that was keep-busy or keep-faking-it work helped me to not break down until the actual rawness of the date had passed and subsided a little. I will be thinking of you next week. If you need antidepressants, then use them, but also allow yourself to be sad without having to “fix” it, because it’s a sad thing. If you use antidepressants you aren’t denying the sadness or grief, and you aren’t making it go away, but you are giving yourself tools you need to cope with the loss. It doesn’t minimize the event or make you feel it less or somehow make it less of an event. I’m not sure where I’m going with this except that I was always afraid that getting through the day without completely collapsing was like denying it, and that was crazy thinking on my part.
Hello Toastfriend. I’m concerned about you and very happy you chose to lean on all of us Toastpeople here.
Good work with the adorable six-year-old. You are a very good mom. She feels welcome to tell you her desires and you chose a rockin’ location for her ear piercing.
After your first priority (little daughter), please make packing your antidepressant a very close second priority. You deserve to feel better. And your daughter deserves a mom who feels better. So that moves into high priority the treating of your depression, right?
Tell us Toastpeople how we can help.
Tell us how you might duck out of the conference for a little alone time. Can you ask your partner or a friend to research places near there that can serve as a retreat? A nearby park or garden. A tea shop around the corner. A spa where you can get a massage. Or plan to order room service instead of the conference lunch.
It’s OK to struggle with your due date. I’m sorry it hurts so much, but I’m not surprised. It is understandable. You made all the right choices; I am absolutely certain of that. Not that you need any confirmation from a stranger. How you feel is not wrong, though it is not pleasant. You will find a way through those feelings and you will survive to reach the other side. You will be okay again. Meanwhile, you have us here. ::Toasthugs::
Does anyone else watch Call the Midwife? I’ve been marathoning it this week and wept shamefully when Sister Bernadette ran into the Doctor on the road.
“I was lost, I took the wrong bus.”
“I was on the right road.”
*swoon*
*weeps*
Yes! I am just a few episodes ahead of you. I cry about once an episode. My partner watched it with me for the first time last weekend (I normally save it for when he is out) and loved it; we both sat there weeping at it.
I know this is suuuuuuper late but I also know there are weightlifting toasties, so can anyone recommend an online source for weightlifting gloves that have those wrist support straps? They are what I used to have and I cannot find mine, so I went to Dick’s and they only have men’s mediums, which kinnnnd of work but are really too big. I had the guy check and none of the stores or the online inventory had any smalls. There aren’t really any other sporting goods stores near me, so I’m thinking online is my best option. Halp?
A lot of ladies at my gym like this brand, but the ones without wrist straps: http://www.amazon.com/Weightlifting-Gloves-Workou…
Disclaimer: I have never tried them because <3 callouses.
Thank you, those look perfect! I do note as well that they come in pink and teal lol 🙂
Sorry for such a late post in the OT, I will repost on Monday in the LR.
A hospital where I used to work has a (ridiculous, imho) policy in which placentas from all deliveries are held for a minimum of 7 days in a refrigerator, in the event that the newborn will develop a complication. New parents who have asked to have their placentas released to them within the first 24 hours have been denied.
I’m not a big fan of change.org in general but please consider signing this petition asking the hospital to change its policy. (Note that there is some predictably gendered language in the petition and even in its title.)
Today I was trying to remember the name of Aunt Acid in a brainless moment, and instead I came up with Aunt Agonist.
Thanks! I suppose I mainly wanted a discussion of how it works from the point of view of people who are respectful adults and choose their words. I knew this was the place and I benefit from all y'all's wisdom and explanations. The "worried about more people's feelings, instead of no one's feelings" point makes perfect sense to me, and is pretty much the polar opposite of my now-former-acquaintance's approach toward everyone everywhere, except for her little girl. I do not miss her but I do miss her daughter, and I hope the divorce fallout has not been too hurtful to her.