I have a lot of issues with the people on Tiny House Hunters. I’m not even that against living in Tiny Houses! Lots of people feel too entitled to too much space on this crowded planet of ours. But something about the ~consciousness~ of it all irks me. Or maybe it’s because they are living in glorified trailers but seem like they would judge people who live in trailers. Or maybe it’s because I grew up in what would be classified as a Tiny Apartment not because of cutesy eco-living, but because that’s what my dad could afford. Or maybe it’s that sometimes their tiny houses are not even that tiny, they’re like 650 sq. feet and that’s totally reasonable!

ORRRR it’s because I’ve watched too many episodes and have concluded that nobody in Tiny Houses can have sex.

Alice, how do you have sex in there? If you put a futon down that’s still at least another three inches you lose, and then what? What possible position could work here?

I understand the comfort and security of a crib is very enticing, but c’mon. This is like trying to have sex in a birdcage.

Nice try, sir, but you cannot fit up there and neither can any sexual partner. Good luck finding space for floor boning.

Okay imagine this. Imagine you’re having sex up there and you hit your head, because you 100% will. And then in that still-horned-up, banged-head stupor you have to CLIMB DOWN A LADDER LIKE YOU’RE ESCAPING A DANG FIRE to attend to your wounds.

Let’s run down what kind of sex you could reasonably have in a space like this. I think the only one is spooning, right? Because anything where you’re sitting up, on your knees, or standing is absolutely out, and even with missionary you need to have a little space to move around, which you obviously do not have. So if you like spooning, get a tiny house. Or I guess have sex outside.

You try something a little rougher one night and that is straight up gonna fall down.

Why are you being such a square, Jaya? Why do they have to have sex in a bed? Okay hot shot, let’s take a look at where else is possible. There is no kitchen counter space, so not there. It’s possible on that bench, if one person can comfortably reach the floor with their feet, or if their height lines up right so one of them can be bending over. And maybe on the floor? Maybe if it’s wide enough? But it’s probably not and sometimes you do not want to have sex on the floor where feet have been all day, you want some nice cushioning underneath you.

Also oh my god all the families with kids who live like this. What if your kids turn into horny teens and all of you are het up all the time in your quaint loft space???