Women In Western Art History Who Are Pretty Much Finished With Samuel’s Whole Deal, Whatever He’s Trying To Do -The Toast

Women In Western Art History Who Are Pretty Much Finished With Samuel’s Whole Deal, Whatever He’s Trying To Do

ByDaniel Mallory Ortberg

on May 25, 2016 in Western Art History

hm1

Samuel? Yes, I seem to recall him and his bullshit, I believe, but it’s been such a long time

hm2

Whenever you’re ready to stop, Samuel, that’s when we’ll be finished. You tell me

hm3

Samuel…Samuel…Samuel and all of his shit…no, I’m sorry, that doesn’t ring a bell

hm4

Samuel, I can honestly just straight up can say “bless your heart” now about you and your whole deal, I honestly mean that, good luck with whatever you’re doing

(c) The Royal College of Surgeons of England; Supplied by The Public Catalogue Foundation

Samuel! Ahh, who could forget Samuel and his whole, I guess, situation, I mean besides me I guess

hm6

I honestly don’t know who you’re talking about

hm7

I’m not kidding, I’ve never met anyone named Samuel in my life

hm8

Samuel!! he was so fun, but there’s no need to give him my new number, no

hm8

who

hm9

i’m so sorry, you must be mistaken, i’ve actually never met anyone in my whole life

hm10

Sam…u…el…

Screen Shot 2016-05-24 at 9.27.30 PM

I’m terribly sorry, I can’t hear anything when I’m facing right, Samuel who?

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.

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+190 Vote up Vote down

aquamarinaveen 115p · 465 weeks ago

totally gonna use "I’m terribly sorry, I can’t hear anything when I’m facing [left], Samuel who?" on my brother whose name is samuel because i am deaf in my left ear

2 replies · active 465 weeks ago

+87 Vote up Vote down

falcofield 135p · 465 weeks ago

I love #2's straight up refusal to even do an artfully disdainful pose.

7 replies · active 465 weeks ago

+48 Vote up Vote down

larsgarvey 104p · 465 weeks ago

Ah, yes, that Samuel. Right, of course. Oh, we're still talking about him?

+200 Vote up Vote down

sausagedog 127p · 465 weeks ago

"who" lady is GOALS in all aspects, from brows to sleeves to disdain to plaster wall decorations

5 replies · active 465 weeks ago

+30 Vote up Vote down

Zueignung 109p · 465 weeks ago

Is painting #1 Samuel himself?

4 replies · active 465 weeks ago

+33 Vote up Vote down

bleucrayon 124p · 465 weeks ago

So OVER your shit, Samuel.

+96 Vote up Vote down

MothsAndStars 100p · 465 weeks ago

This is especially delightful because so many of these women look like ancestors of mine. I don't think there are any Samuels in my family line, and I have just now decided that it's because all of my foremothers just disdained him right out of existence.

+27 Vote up Vote down

builtahouse 123p · 465 weeks ago

laugh-crying in recognition of all of this.

you could do male-name bingo and it still applies. why.

+60 Vote up Vote down

Samuel · 465 weeks ago

wut?!

1 reply · active 465 weeks ago

+28 Vote up Vote down

grumblyqueer 139p · 465 weeks ago

Why does Woman Number Two look like Lin-Manuel Miranda in high drag?

3 replies · active 465 weeks ago

+74 Vote up Vote down

emmysuhweeks · 465 weeks ago

Something tells me Samuel has one or two STDS, an aversion to dishwashing, and an overbearing mother.

1 reply · active 465 weeks ago

+6 Vote up Vote down

PomoFrannyGlass 104p · 465 weeks ago

#10 = goals

+43 Vote up Vote down

atlasblue85 140p · 465 weeks ago

*early 2000s Mariah Carey voice*

I don't know him.

1 reply · active 465 weeks ago

+16 Vote up Vote down

rebeccalibrarian 97p · 465 weeks ago

I really want that red flower/hair decoration thing in #11 because I consistently wear giant flowers in my hair and that would just go really well in my collection.

+9 Vote up Vote down

Unreadaethel 127p · 465 weeks ago

Is the last one wearing a football mouth guard/sticking her tongue behind her lips in that way you do when you're making a monkey face at a small child?

4 replies · active 465 weeks ago

+4 Vote up Vote down

Iris · 465 weeks ago

There's an upper lip that does that, and when the mouth is at rest you can see the teeth. I think it's a lip shape thing, rather than a buck teeth thing, but maybe I'm wrong.
How come some single features are reproducible like that? But they don't have names.

1 reply · active 465 weeks ago

+61 Vote up Vote down

Siana720 136p · 465 weeks ago

#2 gives me life, so I did some internet sleuthing.

Her name is Ilona Zichy and she looks equally disdainful in all her google image results and I am in love.
http://vaol.hu/data/cikk/123/4890/cikk_1234890/0....
https://szikmblog.files.wordpress.com/2014/11/bar...

4 replies · active 460 weeks ago

+11 Vote up Vote down

RunGracieRun 93p · 465 weeks ago

The exoticism in #5 is kinda troubling, but she also looks like a total badass. So.

+12 Vote up Vote down

shellygrrl 98p · 465 weeks ago

#9 looks like she is a million percent done with Samuels and how DARE anyone bring that name up to her.

+30 Vote up Vote down

Frumiosa 141p · 465 weeks ago

Except now I want to know what Samuel's whole situation was.

1 reply · active 465 weeks ago

+20 Vote up Vote down

rishabree 85p · 465 weeks ago

Sorry, Samuel, but I'm too busy being intensely in love with #2's dress to worry about your problems.

+46 Vote up Vote down

samburgers 117p · 465 weeks ago

i’m so sorry, you must be mistaken, i’ve actually never met anyone in my whole life

correct

+40 Vote up Vote down

v_d_budenmayer 127p · 465 weeks ago

Not only do I actually physically resemble the woman in the second picture, but I am a high school teacher, so I am 99% sure that is a portrait of me.

+27 Vote up Vote down

houseplanted 107p · 465 weeks ago

I want a print of that haughty, satin-duvet-wearing woman with the black hair. I will hang it next to my front door as the last thing I see before leaving my house each day. For inspiration.

"Who" indeed.

+58 Vote up Vote down

brasspaperclip 95p · 465 weeks ago

Samuel: "you girls are so pretty, you should smile more"

1 reply · active 465 weeks ago

+11 Vote up Vote down

RLT · 465 weeks ago

I wish wish WISH I knew someone named Samuel so that I could forward this to him. Oh god, it hurts not to be able to forward this to a Samuel, or even better someone that used to date/fuck/be married to a Samuel. Why could this not have been to Matthew or Michael or Chad or Steve?

+31 Vote up Vote down

iiiiimnotsorryy 127p · 465 weeks ago

Ok I used to date a Samuel and these ladies are taking exactly the right attitude towards him

+27 Vote up Vote down

PettyVengeanceFetish 88p · 465 weeks ago

When the toast shuts down these are what I'm going to miss the most

+2 Vote up Vote down

BiadeMedici 98p · 465 weeks ago

#2 is so gorgeous and fierce! Wow.

+22 Vote up Vote down

Apfelmoose 105p · 465 weeks ago

There are several Samuels in my past who I can't quite recall just now.

From time to time, they ask third parties to pass messages to my inbox because they think that maybe my email address has changed (it has not). To a man, these Samuels wish to declare that we shared something special and that, of everyone they've lost contact with (wonder why?), they miss me the most. The best and most hilarious thing is that, because they never thought me special enough to, say, get to know my friends or anything about my life outside of them, the third party is never a close friend or, indeed, anyone who ever was a close friend. Rather, it is always ALWAYS a slightly baffled but well-meaning former acquaintance who maybe worked at the same company or went drinking in the same bars as me a decade ago.

Oh Samuel.

+14 Vote up Vote down

Samuel · 465 weeks ago

I feel vilified.

+20 Vote up Vote down

Samuel · 464 weeks ago

Anyway, here's Wonderwall.

1 reply · active 438 weeks ago

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