Bible Verses Where “Verily” Has Been Replaced With “Fuckin’ A”

by Mallory Ortberg · June 9, 2016

Genesis 42:21

“And they said one to another, ‘Fuckin’ A, we are guilty concerning our brother, in that we saw the anguish of his soul, when he besought us, and we would not hear; therefore is this distress come upon us.’”

 

Exodus 31:13

“Speak thou also unto the children of Israel, saying, ‘Fuckin’ A, my sabbaths ye shall keep: for it is a sign between me and you throughout your generations; that ye may know that I am the Lord that doth sanctify you.’”

 

Judges 15:2

“And her father said, ‘Fuckin’ A, I thought that thou hadst utterly hated her; therefore I gave her to thy companion: is not her younger sister fairer than she? take her, I pray thee, instead of her.’”

 

2 Kings 4:14

“And he said, ‘What then is to be done for her?’ And Gehazi answered, ‘Fuckin’ A, she hath no child, and her husband is old.’”

 

Psalm 39:5

“Behold, thou hast made my days as an handbreadth; and mine age is as nothing before thee: Fuckin’ A, every man at his best state is altogether vanity. Selah.”

 

Psalm 66:19

“But fuckin’ A, God hath heard me; he hath attended to the voice of my prayer.”

 

Isaiah 45:15

“Fuckin’ A, thou art a God that hidest thyself, O God of Israel, the Saviour.”

 

Matthew 6:5

“And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Fuckin’ A, I say unto you, They have their reward.”

 

John 3:3

“Jesus answered and said unto him, ‘Fuckin’ A, fuckin’ A, I say unto thee, Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God.’”

 

1 John 2:5

“But whoso keepeth his word, fuckin’ A, in him is the love of God perfected: hereby know we that we are in him.”

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.

43 Comments

    3. tabbylavalamp +3

      People keep talking about deleted comments. Is there a place they are normally posted that I never see?

  2. amygriz +89

    Thank you Mallory, for I now have the title of my memoir. Fuckin’ A, She Hath No Child, and Her Husband is Old: the Life of Saltheartedbarmaid.

    1. godzillas_pizza +10

      I *just* came down here to remark on the beauty of that one, as well! I want it on a t-shirt, personally.

  4. perianwen +40

    So, down the road, can we expect the Mallory Bible which brings together all of the “replaced” words posts?

    2. Goomaly +12

      I would buy a copy of Mallory’s “replaced words edition” of Elisabeth Cady Stanton’s “Women’s Bible”

    3. sausagedog +21

      I would buy the leather-bound, gilt-edged, Renaissance patron version of this Bible. Like the Borgia edition. Please make this.

      1. godzillas_pizza +20

        The Borgia edition comes with hidden compartments for bottles of poison. I mean, it’s just GOT to!

  5. clariyandchaos +25

    “But whoso keepeth his word, fuckin’ A”
    I want this on my body.

  6. tabbylavalamp +35

    Psalm 39:5 Look, buddy, thou hast made my days as an handbreadth; and mine age is as nothing before thee: fuckin’ a every man at his best state is altogether vanity.

    1. Chance_Hale +37

      Next up: Bible Verses Where “Vanity” Has Been Replaced With “Bullshit”

  8. whollyword +12

    This gets at the exasperation I’ve always heard in Matthew 6:5 much more effectively than “verily.”

  9. Givemebackmehat +20

    I am commenting because I have both the time and energy to be outraged about someone replacing one word with another in a book that has literally been translated multiple times, from multiple sources, in multiple languages in order to be explicable to me at all!

    But actually I’m really excited for those comments.

  12. j_bird +7

    I need to create some toasties at my workplace so we can use “Verily” as a euphemism in daily conversation.

  14. LackStratagem +5

    These really match the groove of Annie Vallotton’s illustrations for the Good News Bible! I would like nothing more that to put up proof of this, but can’t figure out how to put an image in the post here.

    1. whollyword +2

      That was my first bible! Okay, my second, after the illustrated Taizé. But it was her illustrations I imprinted on– I remember them as being very Protestant (about as far from icons as you could get), while also being stylistically something that could conceivably be in the New Yorker.

  15. halloweenjack64 +41

    Suggestion: verses where “Woe” or “Alas” have been replaced by “Sucks to be you.”

      1. halloweenjack64 +3

        Sucks to be them who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter.

  16. Big Rig and Jesse +3

    I love that this is getting saucier and saucier. It would probably be a bit too far to hope for a Deadwood tribute Bible replacement post, but that doesn’t keep me from replacing “bless him” with “blow him with soap” I’m my own head.

  18. Halloween Jack

    Sucks to be them who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter.

  19. MopRocks +3

    “Jesus answered and said unto him, ‘Fuckin’ A, fuckin’ A, I say unto thee, Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God.’”
    ded.