Matthew 1:1
“An account of the genealogy of Jesus, King Shit of Fuck Mountain, the son of David, the son of Abraham.”
Matthew 2:3-4
“When King Herod heard this, he was frightened, and all Jerusalem with him; and calling together all the chief priests and scribes of the people, he inquired of them where the King Shit of Fuck Mountain was to be born.”
Matthew 16:15-17
“He said to them, ‘But who do you say that I am?’ Simon Peter answered, ‘You are the King Shit of Fuck Mountain, the Son of the living God.’ And Jesus answered him, ‘Blessed are you, Simon son of Jonah! For flesh and blood has not revealed this to you, but my Father in heaven.’”
Matthew 16:20
Then he sternly ordered the disciples not to tell anyone that he was King Shit of Fuck Mountain.
Matthew 24:4-6
“Jesus answered them, ‘Beware that no one leads you astray. For many will come in my name, saying, “I am King Shit of Fuck Mountain!” and they will lead many astray. And you will hear of wars and rumors of wars; see that you are not alarmed; for this must take place, but the end is not yet.’”
Luke 3:15
“As the people were filled with expectation, and all were questioning in their hearts concerning John, whether he might be King Shit of Fuck Mountain.”
Luke 22:66-68
“When day came, the assembly of the elders of the people, both chief priests and scribes, gathered together, and they brought him to their council. They said, ‘If you are King Shit of Fuck Mountain, tell us.’ He replied, ;If I tell you, you will not believe; and if I question you, you will not answer.’”
John 11:27
“She said to him, ‘Yes, Lord, I believe that you are King Shit of Fuck Mountain, the Son of God, the one coming into the world.’”
Acts 17:2-4
“And Paul went in, as was his custom, and on three sabbath days argued with them from the scriptures, explaining and proving that it was necessary for King Shit of Fuck Mountain to suffer and to rise from the dead, and saying, ‘This is the King Shit of Fuck Mountain Jesus whom I am proclaiming to you.’ Some of them were persuaded and joined Paul and Silas, as did a great many of the devout Greeks and not a few of the leading women.”
Revelation 12:10
“Then I heard a loud voice in heaven, proclaiming, ‘Now have come the salvation and the power and the kingdom of our God and the authority of his King Shit of Fuck Mountain, for the accuser of our comrades has been thrown down, who accuses them day and night before our God.’”
OH MY GOD King Shit of Fuck Mountain
Also, did anyone else initially read this as King of Shit-Fuck Mountain?
the whole time
Yes. I did and now I can’t stop.
Just decided to go all-out baiting the Deleted Commenters, eh, Mallory? I cannot say I disapprove.
I swear to King Shit of Fuck Mountain, if we don’t get at least one in the LR I’m going to be distraught!
Can we get a Mallory Bible printed up now please?
BEST YET (best ever? will this be the last?)
*HEART EYES EMOJIS FOR DAYS*
It’s a very serious day in my office and me trying to suppress giggles is truly a struggle.
Well I for one can’t wait for the deleted comments.
Thumsbs up!
He is not the King Shit of Fuck Mountain, he is a very naughty boy.
(could not resist, sry)
SOLID REFERENCE, A+++
Totally heard it in the right accent, too!
Is this what it looks like when Mallory stops giving a fuck? CAUSE I AM HERE FOR IT.
senioritis Mallory is the best Mallory
2nd term Mallory is killing it.
Weird Mallory=Best Mallory
I’ve been MIA and I just found out about the closing and I AM DEVASTATED and I so I just joined the subreddit even tho I have SERIOUS DRAMA with reddit and just I feel so lost now???
Yes, everything is terrible. I’ve gone back into denial though.
You know, if this had been the translation of the Gospel of Matthew my students had read, maybe they would have enjoyed writing their essays about it more.
I cannot tell you how this warms my cold and terrible heart. (Would Jesus Christ have called himself King Shit of Fuck Mountain? I argue that as a human being, he absolutely would have. At least once, probably while drunk with some of his favorite disciples.)
Dirtbag Jesus. You know it happened.
OMG WE NEED A DIRTBAG JESUS.
where G=KSoFM, of course (old habits).
I mean, he did bring that one kid back to life to clear his name, then straight-up ice him again.
I love that this will be searchable. For all time.(?)
MALLORY. I am DYING.
waiting for the deleted comments like
MALLORY
THIS IS A MR. SHOW REFERENCE, NO??? Because the Rev. Winton Dupree was very formative in my general upbringing. “What is up Satan’s ass?”
Swear to God!
“Can I get a fuckin’ a?”
“All he wants to do it fuck us up, the dick-licker!”
One of my all time favorites! So much funny.
Ah, this reminds me of the mythical line from Ten Commandments:
Where’s your King Shit of Fuck Mountain now, Moses?
Going out with a bang, I see.
Do we still use the term “flame bait”? Because that phrase was the first thing to come into my head after reading that headline.
Oh my goodness, does this mean that Nicole will write her own flame bait masterpiece before she goes? It would be nigh impossible to better “Books That Literally All White Men Own” but I would love to see her try.
“Phrases literally all white men have said”? And then just watch them pop up in the deleted comments…
That would work. It’s just so tragically easy…
It could be nothing but that headline and a comments section that only guests could reply to, and the final result would almost certainly be indistinguishable.
This makes it seem like the New Testament occurred in the video for WuTang Clan’s Gravel Pit. https://youtu.be/Of-lpfsBR8U?t=20s
This is my kind of translation.
Read the title of this and literally spit coffee on to my keyboard. It is upside-down drying while I use a backup. Christ on a cracker
So your next book will be the Ortbergian Bible, y/y?
I’m so excited for the deleted comments.
this reads extra great when i have my jailbreak the matriarchy browser extension toggled on
I’m meeting with a bishop next week about my future, and I’m not going to tell him that I snorted tea out of my nose reading this. He would…..probably not be pleased.
He may well snort tea out his nose in horror.
For some reason this reminds me of that George Carlin bit where he ends with “I am fuck! fuck of the mountains!” Genuine thanks to you, The Toast and my brain, for the reminder.
Never has there been a more accurate description of what being the messiah would actually be like. And as true today as when it was written: the world is so Fuck Mountain, and any king, no matter how awesome, would be King Shit of it.
So good. This is exactly what my little black heart needed today. Thank you.
Handel’s King Shit of Fuck Mountain.
I went to Catholic school for thirteen years. Catholic guilt tells me that I am going to burn in Hell for laughing so hard at this.
#NORAGRATS
I went to Catholic school for thirteen years. Catholic guilt tells me that I am going to burn in Hell for laughing so hard at this.
#NORAGRATS