“An account of the genealogy of Jesus, King Shit of Fuck Mountain, the son of David, the son of Abraham.”
“When King Herod heard this, he was frightened, and all Jerusalem with him; and calling together all the chief priests and scribes of the people, he inquired of them where the King Shit of Fuck Mountain was to be born.”
“He said to them, ‘But who do you say that I am?’ Simon Peter answered, ‘You are the King Shit of Fuck Mountain, the Son of the living God.’ And Jesus answered him, ‘Blessed are you, Simon son of Jonah! For flesh and blood has not revealed this to you, but my Father in heaven.'”
Then he sternly ordered the disciples not to tell anyone that he was King Shit of Fuck Mountain.
“Jesus answered them, ‘Beware that no one leads you astray. For many will come in my name, saying, “I am King Shit of Fuck Mountain!” and they will lead many astray. And you will hear of wars and rumors of wars; see that you are not alarmed; for this must take place, but the end is not yet.'”
“As the people were filled with expectation, and all were questioning in their hearts concerning John, whether he might be King Shit of Fuck Mountain.”
“When day came, the assembly of the elders of the people, both chief priests and scribes, gathered together, and they brought him to their council. They said, ‘If you are King Shit of Fuck Mountain, tell us.’ He replied, ;If I tell you, you will not believe; and if I question you, you will not answer.'”
“She said to him, ‘Yes, Lord, I believe that you are King Shit of Fuck Mountain, the Son of God, the one coming into the world.'”
“And Paul went in, as was his custom, and on three sabbath days argued with them from the scriptures, explaining and proving that it was necessary for King Shit of Fuck Mountain to suffer and to rise from the dead, and saying, ‘This is the King Shit of Fuck Mountain Jesus whom I am proclaiming to you.’ Some of them were persuaded and joined Paul and Silas, as did a great many of the devout Greeks and not a few of the leading women.”
“Then I heard a loud voice in heaven, proclaiming, ‘Now have come the salvation and the power and the kingdom of our God and the authority of his King Shit of Fuck Mountain, for the accuser of our comrades has been thrown down, who accuses them day and night before our God.'”
Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.