Lord Byron’s “On This Day I Complete My Thirty-Sixth Year” -The Toast

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Oh My God You Guys, I’m Fucking Thirty-Six Now
I Have To Like…Oh My God

I’m officially too old to love, I feel like
No one is even in love with me right now,
which is garbage,
okay some people are obviously but none of them count
oh my god what if I’m too old for sex, I’m almost F O R T Y
are there even ages after forty or do you just turn into a tree

Is anyone ever going to have sex with me again
oh my God, my body is like autumn
like when all the leaves are falling off the trees
only what’s falling off of me is hotness
why don’t I just DIE
why don’t you all just set me on fire
that’s the same thing as being thirty-seven

ugh who could have guessed that repeatedly abandoning my sex partners would result in so much loneliness


maybe I will just move to Greece
honestly I could just move to Greece and die in battle like a Spartan
and then everyone would want to have sex with me
only it’ll be too late
because of how dead and in Greece I’ll be

oh my god my life is a mess
I need to just be more like Greece
and then I’ll be fine
or dead
or both



being thirty-six and embarrassed is the worst thing I can think of
I used to be twenty and not care about anything
if I start caring about things now I’ll be ruined
the hottest thing in the world is not caring
and then being like, seventeen
a seventeen-year-old who’s never had a feeling is the only acceptable way to live, sexually

honestly if I’m not careful I’m going to end up being thirty-seven
better just go die in a field
in Greece or wherever

lol Annabella is gonna feel so bad when she sees how dead I am
Lukas too
turn ME down
does he even know how many things and people I’ve not cared about hotly
I’ll get stabbed by some Ottomans or whomever
that’ll show em all

N.B. Lord Byron died in bed.

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