Everything Is Better With Goths

by Mallory Ortberg · April 14, 2013

This Classic Toast post originally ran on August 28, 2013.

GOTHS

Concept and text by Mallory Ortberg. Images by Matt Lubchansky, who makes comics and occasionally leaves his apartment in New York. His work includes Please Listen to Me and New Amsterdam Mystery Company. He’s on Twitter, and doesn’t expect you to get his name right.

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.


58 Comments

  1. anninyn +7

    I went through a goth phase. I never really gave it up. I mean, I wear more colour and less makeup now, (I sometimes even wear brown! Mainly because of steampunk. Which is what happens when older goths discover brown.) but when I dress up it’s still all black lace and ridiculous boots and too much eyeliner.

    Goths certainly do make life better. It sure as hell made my final-year school photographs way more amusing. (picture skinny white girl with her mouse-brown hair plaited into about twelve stubby plaits, wearing thick black eyeliner… and a bottle-green school blazer)

    1. tragicallyludicrous +8

      My goth phase coincided with my passport photo being taken. I have to get it renewed this year and I’m almost sad to be losing that picture.

      1. anninyn +3

        My parents did NOT purchase the picture of me where I dressed like that. They preferred the other goth-stage pictures, like the ones where I actually wore stuff that looked good and stopped applying my eye makeup as if someone had poked me in the eye with a coal-scuttle

  5. Yet To Register +12

    My dog could not look goth if she tried; that basset hound has it going on, though.

    Dogs okay for goth:
    bassets
    corgis
    german shepherds
    mutts
    akitas
    huskies
    beagles
    shar peis
    mastiffs
    pomeranians
    greyhounds

    Dogs not okay for goth, they can’t pull it off no matter what the collar:
    afghan hounds
    shiba inus
    golden retrievers
    bulldogs
    scotties
    irish setters
    pitties
    bearded collies
    st. bernards
    shelties

    1. gojetta +5

      A greyhound might be able to pull it off, but my Italian greyhound could never– he is waaay to prancy for that.

      1. Yet To Register +3

        My pittie is a furry superball, so she’s off the list. No eyeliner could conquer that. She could be debate team president and on the varsity field hockey team, she’s that kinda girlie.

    2. icebergmama +2

      add to not ok for goth: chow chows! (too fluffy). My late mini schnauzer would have made a good goth dog, I think, his eyebrows gave him a sulky air.

    3. EPWordsnatcher +5

      Idunno, I could see a goth bulldog happening. Also possibly a goth French bulldog.

      The thought of a goth Golden Retriever is totally laughable, though (Labradors, too)

      Our now-deceased Jack Russell would’ve made a great goth dog, especially in her later years, when she gave zero shits about most things.

      1. Yet To Register +1

        gonna need photographic evidence of the goth bulldog

        (google image is disappointing me right now)

        1. EPWordsnatcher +4

          I mean, it’s slightly more biker bulldog than goth, but picture it with EYELINER.

        1. Yet To Register +22

          this corgi is so over the couch, remembering the bitter smoker’s lung on the corner of the meanest street, wondering if cvs even sells black enough eyeliner anymore

          where did i put my anarchy starred black pleather collar

      2. mbculver +3

        Totally with you. My corgi has perfect Goth eyeliner, but she’ll never ever master “I don’t give a shit.”

      3. quadrophonicsound +2

        Most corgis (at least, ones with red and white markings on their heads) have great natural eyeliner. Mine even has that line that extends outwards from the corner of the eyes.

        Sometimes mine is emo, but I don’t know that he’ll ever be goth, even if we do like to characterize him as a petulant teenager a lot.

    5. robotosaur +47

      goth golden retriever is trying SO HARD to be goth and will never understand that trying hard is the opposite of goth.

      all cats are goth.

      2. tragicallyludicrous +1

        not convinced my cat has the wherewithal to be goth. he’s too much of a hyperactive diva.

        2. anninyn +4

          he is a cybergoth or possibly a graver.

          Do you keep finding little wraps of speed and tiny UV-sensitive pieces of jewelery?

      3. EPWordsnatcher +32

        Googled “Goth golden retriever” and this was the closest thing I could find:

        Which seems, y’know, right.

        1. Yet To Register +14

          THIS IS FLAWLESS BEAUTIFUL PERFECTION

          LOOK THEY’RE EVEN TOO CHEERY TO BE AMERICAN GOTHIC

          MY HEART IS MELTED

      4. aekessler +2

        My cats are definitely goth. They always have their “bitch, please” faces on. It’s hard to tell if they are happy or not (other than the constant purring).

    1. Yet To Register +4

      I imagine you slouching around with your goth cat observing from a fire escape and a goth husky attached to your wallet chain by a piece of dirty clothesline, too goth to do anything besides a fang baring lip curl and eye the chain link fence surrounding the porn shop’s parking lot.

      i could fucking scale that

      like a motherfucking druid bitch i’d scale that in a second

      but what even is the point

    3. anninyn +13

      One of the young goths in my city has a pet raven. It looks pretty cool until you see his back. He is covered in raven poo.

      I still want a pet raven.

  8. mattielubchansky +11

    Goth Dog Goes to (Goth) Camp
    Goth Dog Scared Stupid
    Goth Dog and the Search for Goth Curley’s Gold
    Goth Dog’s Big Adventure

    1. MalloryOrtberg +19

      I just want to do more “Phantom Tollbooth” style things. Goth Hobbit. Goth Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler. Goth Bridge to Teribithia (the bridge is goth).

      2. prost +6

        Toast mashup potential – Jaya Goth-Catches Up: Goth Secret Garden (Mary and Colin aren’t too much of a stretch but Goth Dickon would be something).

        1. jhsaxena +26

          “Fuck your garden, the birds are the only ones that understand me. The birds and the weeds. All that’s inside me are worms, and all the grows around me is chaos.” – Goth Dickon

  9. EPWordsnatcher +4

    Don’t mind me, I’m just quietly dying at the thought of Goth Phantom Tollbooth. (Phantom Tollgoth?)

  10. pete +5

    If you see the word goth enough times in a post or in comments, it starts looking and sounding REALLY WEIRD.

    Fact.

  11. mbculver +5

    “Goth Patrick Swayze has trouble with lifts due to severe anemia and a pack-a-day habit.”

    Of course. Of course he does.

  14. mclloyddavies +27

    When I was in middle school, I dressed up as a goth for halloween. Regrettably, I went around telling everyone I was a necrophiliac–I’d looked at the roots of the word and figured it meant someone who loved or was obsessed with death.

  15. amitygardens

    My cats are definitely goth. They always have their "bitch, please" faces on. It's hard to tell if they are happy or not (other than the constant purring).

  16. kay em

    This image is no longer available, and my heart can't bear to miss out on the joke. Any way it can get reposted?