Jesse Berney’s previous work for The Toast can be found here.
Gotham Citizen #1: Did you see the news about that guy who dresses like a bat, wears sophisticated body armor, drives a military-grade vehicle, and beats up criminals?
Gotham Citizen #2: I did! Did you see that magazine profile of Bruce Wayne?
Gotham Citizen #1: You mean the young billionaire defense contractor who mysteriously disappeared for several years with no explanation?
Gotham Citizen #2: Yes, the one who returned to Gotham not long before this so-called Batman appeared.
Gotham Citizen #1: I did see that! So who do you think this “Batman” is?
Gotham Citizen #2: I wish I knew.
***
Gotham Citizen #1: Whoa, did you read the gossip column this morning?
Gotham Citizen #2: No, what happened?
Gotham Citizen #1: Apparently Bruce Wayne’s house was burned down by ninja criminals.
Gotham Citizen #2: How odd! The same ninja criminals who tried to destroy Gotham? The ones Batman thwarted?
Gotham Citizen #1: Yep! Who is Batman, by the way?
Gotham Citizen #2: No idea.
***
Gotham Citizen #1: My goodness.
Gotham Citizen #2: What is it?
Gotham Citizen #1: Says here that Batman went all the way to Hong Kong to capture this guy who was banking for the mob.
Gotham Citizen #2: Wow. That must have cost taxpayers a pretty penny.
Gotham Citizen #1: I don’t think it works that way. I think he pays for everything himself.
Gotham Citizen #2: Who could afford all that?
Gotham Citizen #1: I know, right? Speaking of rich folks, guess who just went on a yachting trip off the coast of Asia?
Gotham Citizen #2: Billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne? I bet that guy could fly off to Hong Kong whenever he wanted.
Gotham Citizen #1: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Gotham Citizen #2: Chinese for lunch?
Gotham Citizen #1: Totally.
***
Gotham Citizen #1: Ha!
Gotham Citizen #2: What?
Gotham Citizen #1: Bruce Wayne smashed his Lamborghini.
Gotham Citizen #2: Oh man! Is he OK?
Gotham Citizen #1: Yeah, he’s fine.
Gotham Citizen #2: What happened?
Gotham Citizen #1: He ran a light. His car was totaled by a truck trying to run into the police car carrying that guy who was going to reveal Batman’s name.
Gotham Citizen #2: How lucky for that guy who knew Batman’s name that Bruce Wayne happened to be driving irresponsibly through that intersection.
Gotham Citizen #1: It gets weirder. The guy who knew Batman’s name used to be a lawyer who worked for Bruce Wayne.
Gotham Citizen #2: That’s crazy! How do you think he found out who Batman was?
Gotham Citizen #1: I guess we’ll never know.
***
Gotham Citizen #1: I was just reading in the paper that billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne has been holed up in his mansion not talking to anyone for eight years.
Gotham Citizen #2: Wow, eight years? That reminds me of a story I saw on the news last week that Batman hasn’t been seen since for eight years.
Gotham Citizen #1: What a strange coincidence.
Gotham Citizen #2: So who do you think Batman is?
Gotham Citizen #2: Heck if I know.
***
Gotham Citizen #1: Really sick of this curfew.
Gotham Citizen #2: I know. Why doesn’t Batman do something about this Bane guy?
Gotham Citizen #1: Who knows? He hasn’t been around for a while.
Gotham Citizen #2: Just like now-former billionaire Bruce Wayne, who was targeted by these criminals as well.
Gotham Citizen #1: What a shame.
Gotham Citizen #2: Maybe Batman is busy helping Bruce Wayne get his money back?
Gotham Citizen #1: Yes, that would explain everything.
***
Gotham Citizen #1: It’s so sad that Bruce Wayne died, isn’t it?
Gotham Citizen #2: Yeah. Not as sad as Batman dying, but definitely sad.
Gotham Citizen #1: And on the same day, too.
Gotham Citizen #2: I know.
Gotham Citizen #1: Think we’ll ever find out who Batman was?
Gotham Citizen #2: Probably not.
Tags: comics, humor, jesse berney, movies
Shhh! Let’s just let them gossip in peace. Bless their hearts.
This is excellent. I think Bruce Wayne himself tops the list of clueless Gothamites:
Ra’s Al Ghul: To join the League of Shadows, you have to execute this murderer.
Bruce Wayne: No, I don’t kill people **proceeds to blow up the building, killing dozens of people, INCLUDING THE DUDE HE REFUSED TO EXECUTE**
Batman: I don’t use guns. I don’t kill people.
Catwoman: You just shot Talia’s truck driver with the guns on your plane. You riddled him with bullets and now he is dead.
Batman: I don’t use handguns. And ninjas aren’t people… I decided.
“I decided”
snort
To be fair to Batman, I think it’s probably the case that actually blowing it up and killing everyone was kind of an accident.
The Batplane guns…I got nothing. Sorry.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=1byycwl8qgc
I’ve been just mildly traumatized by all the comic book adaptations. . .in the old X-men cartoons they were very adamant about NOT KILLING ANYONE. Granted this is probably because it was a children’s prime time cartoon but it instilled in me the idea that superheroes work very hard to not just murder everyone, even bad guys, willy-nilly. And then this happens. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1zVVACpSevA
“That masked crusader’s chin looks awfully familiar…”
Batman’s chin in the Animated Series could cut glass.
Batman is obviously Bruce Wayne’s personal hitman protecting his plutocratic interests in the name of “justice”. WAKE UP SHEEPLE.
Will thumbs-up any Toastie comment ending in “WAKE UP SHEEPLE”
Mandatory XKCD Sheeple Reference
Gotham Citizen #1: Did you see Bruce Wayne on Good Morning Gotham?
Gotham Citizen #2: No, I missed it. Anything interesting?
Gotham Citizen #1: Not particularly, but I think poor Bruce had a cold, because his voice was so raspy. It made him sound a lot like Batman. It was kinda funny.
Gotham Citizen #2: That is so random! I wonder if we’ll ever learn who Batman is.
Michael Keaton is the only true Batman.
Kevin Conroy is the only true Batman.
Adam West is pretty much the only one I’ve enjoyed.
Different super hero, but I’ve always enjoyed this:
“Those first two people, the ones who said: “It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” What were they so excited about?”
To be fair, everyone in my family gets *extremely* excited about birds. So maybe somewhere out there, there are people that get equally excited whenever they see a plane.
I imagine in 1933 they probably still got pretty excited whenever they saw a plane.
“He’s looking at every bird he sees and wishing it was a plane.”
On no, not this again. We’ve been through this before. Lance Hunt wears glasses.
A++
That doesn’t make any sense. He wouldn’t be able to see!
There is an excellent scene in the 1960s Batman series in which Batman and Bruce Wayne have to speak to each other on the phone. It’s wonderful. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tgCkmUS1IYI
I’m going to bookmark this video and watch it whenever I feel sad.
Adam West is excellent. As batman, and as catman.
I’m loving the idea of having a phone conference by putting two phones next to each other. This is excellent.
Citizens of Metropolis are dumber, given that in the 60’s Superman confessed he was Clark Kent by CARVING IT INTO THE MOON with his heat vision and everyone just…forgot about it for no reason?
Maybe he carved it on the wrong side of the moon so nobody saw it.
He pointed at the ground and then flew up and rotated the moon around while no one was looking.
Gotham Citizen #1: Did you see that article about how people suspect Batman is working closely with Assistant DA Rachel Dawes?
Gotham Citizen #2: The same Rachel Dawes who grew up with Bruce Wayne and is his only friend?
Gotham Citizen #1: The same. Huh. I wonder if *she* knows who Batman is.
Gotham Citizen #2: Nah.
…
Orphan #1: What do you mean you think Bruce Wayne is Batman?
Robin: I dunno. Remember how he came to the orphanage that one time and seemed like he was uncomfortable and wasn’t enjoying it? Usually when mega rich assholes visit the orphanage they seem right at home and really love talking to poor kids. Just totally in their element. But not Bruce Wayne. It was like he was wearing a mask, like the emotions he was expressing weren’t the emotions he was feeling. So, he must be Batman because no other human being does that.
Reading the headline I thought it might be a piece about why people elect to live in Gotham when they’re getting hit with nerve gas or whatever every other week. Low rent I guess.
I have similar questions for the residents of Sunnydale.
Buffy’s entire senior class should’ve gone to school out of state.
::At Bruce Wayne’s Birthday Party::
Old Lady: Bruce, there’s someone here you just have to meet. Am I pronouncing this right? Mr… Ra’s Al Ghul.
Bruce: Ra’s Al Ghul is dead. I watched him die.
Old Lady: Well, I guess I will just nonchalantly walk away now that you’ve said that. I mean, how boring! I thought I was introducing you to someone interesting and alive, but it turns out you already know him and you literally witnessed his death, so I have no further interest in this conversation.
That part has literally ALWAYS bothered me. Like maybe the woman got distracted by the cheese platter going around (could happen to anyone) and completely missed the fact that Bruce and Ra’s were having a weird conversation about death and Gotham’s soul or whatever.
I still think this scene could have been made 1000% better if the woman had stood there the entire time like “???????????”
Maybe the boom mic just failed to pick up her exclamation, “Ooh, look, artisan gouda!”
It doesn’t bother me as much as the scene in The Dark Knight when the Joker throws Rachel out the window, and Batman leaves all the guests up there with the Joker to save her. AND THEN THEY CUT TO THE NEXT SCENE!!! There were a lot of people up in that penthouse with the psychopath, INCLUDING HARVEY DENT!
I never thought about that, him leaving the Joker up there with them. That scene has always bothered me too, though. Bruce Wayne jumped out the window, but Batman saved her … everyone saw Bruce do it, so how did they not figure out he’s Batman?
Like, how are there no plucky young journalists out there putting the pieces together? Has that ever even been a plot in a Batman thing?
Whatever happened to plucky journalist Vicki Vale? Was Kim Basinger’s performance somehow so unbelievably definitive that she’s literally the only piece of the BatMythos that can never under any circumstances ever be rebooted?
I smell a CONSPIRACY.
(Didn’t she die?)
She was in the second Arkham video game. You had to save her from getting shot by Joker’s goons because of course you did. Then you see her again later, interrogating a character from the first game. You, as Batman, and as a person, have zero patience for her.
Trixie Dixon, Girl Detective, would have figured this out right away.
They’re all in Metropolis.
I bet in Gotham there are people that say they know Bruce Wayne is Batman but they are also the same people complaining about 9/11 being an inside job and Benghazi is the worst thing to happen to Gotham (not the handful of crazy criminals running their town and going on murder sprees) so no one takes them seriously.
#batghazi
“They’re onto me. Release the bearded sweaties.”
So to be fair people figure out who batman is in the comics all the time. Bane originally figured it out by just following him home one night and noticing that the bat cave must be under Bruce Wayne’s house, or some random geriatric millionaires.
Hugo Strange figured it out by think ‘him who has the resources and the personal trauma to become batman, let me look up the police records’
Ras a ghul just looked at who kept ordering batarangs off amazon.
Can’t stop laughing at the last line.
It’s true, though, in the comics, people are all over that shit. He actually tries to tell Jim Gordon at one point, and Gordon’s willfully ignorant – he knows, but he doesn’t want visual confirmation.
And then when Dick Grayson becomes Batman post-Batman Incorporated, even more people know who he is, because he’s so clearly not normal Batman. The Joker’s like, “Hey, that’s just Robin! Who do you guys think you’re fooling?” (That’s how the Joker talks in the comics. Weird, right?)
Also, IIRC, doesn’t Tim Drake become Robin because he figures out who Batman is?
I’m not sure, but it’s possible. Tim’s the Robin I know least about. (That’s right, I haven’t watched Teen Titans, get at me.)
He figures out who Batman is because he had a megaboner for acrobat Dick Grayson and I believe he recognized a move of Robin’s as being one only Dick could do. Figuring out Batman was easy after that. and “Batman needs a Robin” so he becomes Robin after Dick fucks off to Bludhaven as Nightwing (or so I’ve gathered from fanfiction and letting friends drunkenly ramble at me.
That all makes a LOT of sense. Tim’s backstory is almost identical to Dick’s, actually. They have so much in common! They should bone down!
Tim wasn’t an orphan though! Until recentlyish? (again, fanfiction/friends as sources). And I’m 10000% Dick/Babs and Tim/Kon. He tried to clone his best friend when he thought he was dead! how incredibly normal, Timothy!
wait, _bludhaven_? that is a _thing_?
Um this is amazing & perfect
they’re just comic-book movies, why can’t you guys just enjoy them for what they are
Yes, after criticising nursery rhymes, local newspapers, and serendipitous typos, let’s draw the line at huge, culturally influential movie franchises, because they are just that little bit too frivolous.
Have you not…read this website before, or…?
To be fair, I think we do. But doing this is fun too. Recognizing the holes does not necessarily mean that you’re letting the holes ruin your enjoyment of the movie.
ACTUALLY, they’re also multiple TV series (including animation and live-action), and……..
hello, this is how we enjoy things
I think this comment is sarcasm…?
Monk #1 — hey what does Batman look like
Monk #2 — he’s like all chin just a severly square jaw and it’s always like he shaved five hours ago
Monk #1 — and the ears, what are they like
Monk #2 — like a dirty tomcat who takes this whole thing very serious
Monk #1 — and his dialogue
Monk #2 — goddamn
D:
YES
Okay, thanks to you I am now aware of All Star Batman and Robin the Boy Wonder. And my life is simultaneously made much better and much worse by knowing that this is a thing in the world. So thank/screw you.
If it makes you feel better it was never completed.
Gotham Citizen #1: And why doesn’t Batman dance anymore?
So I just rewatched Batman Begins. From what I gathered, there was a chemical introduced into the water supply that when inhaled caused terrifying hallucinations and extreme psychosis. The bad guys were detonating a microwave something that vaporized the water supply and made everyone crazy. So…..wouldn’t everyone who boiled pasta, sat in a steam room, or taken a hot shower become hallucinating psychos before everything was triggered? I mean, who needs a microwave when you just have to wait for the teenagers to fire up the jacuz.
There would have been some serious madness at the spa. This is on par with the Twilight vampires who go crazy at the smell of one drop of blood but have no problem navigating a high school full of teenagers who menstruate.
Batman is a time-traveling Dumbledore. It’s the only thing that makes sense in this crazy world.
I’m going to miss Christian Bale’s Batman, but BatFleck is going to have some pretty sick toys. nrdfeed.com was talking about some of the one’s that have been released so far (and some that haven’t), and I’m super excited.
Well, the fact that the entire citizenship of Gotham is really dim at least helps to explain why their plan in TDKR was ‘send literally every cop we have in town underground, that’s a great idea! Totally not walking literally every last cop (seriously ALL THE COPS) into an obvious trap!’ Your police force is only going to be as bright as the pool of people you can choose them from, after all.
Well, the fact that the entire citizenship of Gotham is really dim at least helps to explain why their plan in TDKR was 'send literally every cop we have in town underground, that's a great idea! Totally not walking literally every last cop (seriously ALL THE COPS) into an obvious trap!' Your police force is only going to be as bright as the pool of people you can choose them from, after all.