Previously: Things I have yelled at Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries.
“THAT’S NOT WHEN HENRY FITZROY DIED, WHAT THE HELL”
“ARE YOU ACTUALLY SUGGESTING THAT MARY BOLEYN INTRODUCED THE BLOW JOB TO ENGLAND?? BECAUSE STEREOTYPES ABOUT NATIONAL SEXUAL HANGUPS ASIDE I’M PRETTY SURE THE ENGLISH KNEW WHAT ORAL SEX WAS”
“LOOK I GET THAT THERE ARE CERTAIN LIMITATIONS TO PERIOD ACCURACY AND DON’T WANT YOU TO ASK THE FEMALE CAST TO PLUCK BACK THEIR HAIRLINES BUT IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK THAT MARGARET TUDOR NOT BE TAN WITH FRESH LIP FILLERS”
“DON’T GET ME WRONG THAT ACTRESS IS OBJECTIVELY BEAUTIFUL AND HER LIP FILLERS ARE VERY GOOD BUT THEY’RE DEFINITELY FILLERS, NO ONE HAS AN UPPER LIP LIKE THAT NATURALLY”
“I MEAN I’M SURE SOMEONE SOMEWHERE DOES I DON’T WANT TO UNIVERSALIZE THINGS UNNECESSARILY”
“ALSO I KNOW IT’S REALLY HARD TO GET RELIABLE WORK PAST THE AGE OF 35 IN HOLLYWOOD AND I DON’T WANT TO CONDEMN THIS ACTRESS FOR MAKING A CHOICE THAT WOULD EXTEND HER MARKETABILITY ON AN UNFAIR PLAYING FIELD”
“HONESTLY THAT’S A RIDICULOUS EXPECTATION TO PUT ON ANY ACTRESS, OBVIOUSLY THEY’RE GOING FOR MODERN BEAUTY STANDARDS IN A WAY THAT’S HELPFUL FOR A MODERN AUDIENCE RATHER THAN ASKING US TO ADMIRE WOMEN WITH PLUCKED-BACK BROWS AND BONE-WHITE PAINTED FACES, I RETRACT MY CRITICISM”
“FRANKLY WHO AM I TO TELL ANOTHER WOMAN HOW SHE SHOULD OR SHOULDN’T LOOK”
“OKAY BUT SUGGESTING THAT MARY/MARGARET TUDOR STRAIGHT UP MURDERED THE KING OF PORTUGAL IS A BRIDGE TOO FUCKING FAR”
“IF NOTHING ELSE THERE IS NO WAY SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN LEFT ALONE WITH HIM DURING HIS AFTERNOON NAP, THERE WOULD BE AT LEAST SEVEN COURTIERS THERE TO OBSERVE HIS NAPPING”
“NATALIE DORMER YOU ARE AN EXQUISITE JEWEL”
“ALTHOUGH HENRY AND ANNE WORE YELLOW ON THE DAY OF KATHERINE’S DEATH IT HAD MORE TO DO WITH SUMPTUARY LAWS AND ANGLO-IRISH REBELLION THAN IT DID WITH POSTHUMOUS FUCK-YOUS ALTHOUGH I WILL GRANT YOU THAT YOUR CHOICE IS MUCH MORE DRAMATIC”
“JONATHAN RHYS-MEYERS DO YOU HAVE A FACIAL EXPRESSION THAT IS NOT A FATUOUS SMIRK”
“JONATHAN RHYS-MEYERS I CAN’T TELL IF I HATE YOU BECAUSE HENRY VIII WAS THE WORST OR BECAUSE YOU ARE A PREENING BASTARD ”
“JONATHAN RHYS-MEYERS I FEEL SORT OF BAD FOR YELLING AT YOU WHEN YOUR DRINKING PROBLEM IS PROBABLY LIFE-THREATENING BUT ALSO I WOULD LIKE TO KICK THAT AWFUL GOATEE OFF OF YOUR FACE”
“JONATHAN RHYS-MEYERS I THINK THAT MAYBE YOUR CASTING IS SORT OF GENIUS BECAUSE HENRY DEFINITELY THOUGHT OF HIMSELF AS AN IRRESISTIBLE BABE AND YOUR WOODEN GRIMACING REALLY CAPTURES HIS AWFULNESS, IT’S SORT OF LIKE WHEN NO ONE TOLD CHARLTON HESTON ABOUT ALL THE GAY STUFF IN BEN-HUR AND IT CAPTURED THIS TABULA RASA PERFECTION THAT CAN ONLY BE PRODUCED BY THE UNAWARE”
“Oh UUUUGH you can just TELL they’re going to give not-Chris Martin a terrible afterthought gay plot and – yep, there it is, right on time”
“WHY WOULD THIS GUY WANT TO MAKE OUT WITH THOMAS TALLIS’ LITTLE RAT MUSTACHE AND SCRAGGLY HAIR”
“THOMAS TALLIS REMEMBER HOW LITERALLY FIVE SECONDS AGO YOU WERE SOBBING AT YOUR DEAD BOYFRIEND’S GRAVE, WHY ARE YOU HITTING ON TWINS NOW?”
“HI I’M THOMAS TALLIS AND I’M ALLERGIC TO REMEMBERING MY DEAD BOYFRIEND”
“The Tudors, I don’t mean to suggest that there is a wrong way to grieve, but COME ON”
“THOMAS MORE HAD ALL OF HIS DAUGHTERS CLASSICALLY EDUCATED! MARTIN LUTHER SET UP HIS THESES TWENTY YEARS AGO! WHY DOES HIS DAUGHTER NOT KNOW WHAT PROTESTANTISM IS?”
“NATALIE DORMER YOU ARE MADE OF SCORN AND RUBIES AND I DO NOT DESERVE TO EVEN LOOK AT YOUR FACE”
“Sam Neill you were SUCH a great Wolsey and I feel like your great work is lost in a sea of hot actors but I just want you to know that I appreciate your competence!!! Also I’m sorry they made you kill yourself on the TV show because you just got sick and died!”
“NATALIE THAT DRESSSSSSSS”
“Are you SERIOUSLY asking us to believe that Anne Boleyn INTRODUCED HENRY VIII TO THE WRITINGS OF WILLIAM TYNDALE? THE SAME WILLIAM TYNDALE WHO WROTE AGAINST HENRY’S DIVORCE IN 1530?”
“Wait but bless this sequence for giving us Jonathan Rhys-Meyer’s ‘I am LEARNING’ face!”
“KING FRANCOIS NEEDS TO BE IN EVERY GOD DAMN SCENE, MORE KING FRANCOIS FOR EVERYONE”
“NATALIE DON’T DIE I DON’T WANT TO HAVE TO LOOK AT THAT SIMPERER JANE SEYMOUR”
“WHY WOULD YOU GO TO ALL THIS TROUBLE OF REPEATING THE OLD LIE THAT HENRY DIDN’T SLEEP WITH ANNE OF CLEVES BECAUSE SHE WAS UNATTRACTIVE ONLY TO HAVE HIM AHISTORICALLY SLEEP WITH HER A SEASON LATER?”
“HEY JONATHAN RHYS-MEYERS THANKS FOR RESTORING MY DISCOMFORT WITH AND INDIFFERENCE TO HETEROSEXUALITY”
IF MARGARET TUDOR DIES NOW, HOW THE FUCK IS JAMES GOING TO HAVE ANY CLAIM TO THE THRONE WHEN ELIZABETH DIES?
Yes but Jonathan Rhys-Meyers is PERFECT. I could stare at him all damn day, and I know this wasn’t the point but this post has inspired me to start a re-watch.
Poor JRM. I keep worrying his feeling are getting hurt because he gets cast mostly because of his willingness to take his shirt off on-camera.
He is a poor man’s Cillian Murphy. Now THAT is a perfect man.
UGH CILLIAN MURPHY *swoons*
“ARE YOU ACTUALLY SUGGESTING THAT MARY BOLEYN INTRODUCED THE BLOW JOB TO ENGLAND?? BECAUSE STEREOTYPES ABOUT NATIONAL SEXUAL HANGUPS ASIDE I’M PRETTY SURE THE ENGLISH KNEW WHAT ORAL SEX WAS”
The makers of The Tudors didn’t come up with that on their own though, right? I’m sure I’ve heard it before (and/or possibly about Anne?).
“Are you SERIOUSLY asking us to believe that Anne Boleyn INTRODUCED HENRY VIII TO THE WRITINGS OF WILLIAM TYNDALE? THE SAME WILLIAM TYNDALE WHO WROTE AGAINST HENRY’S DIVORCE IN 1930?”
Time travel!
I have heard that too! About either one of the Boleyn sisters. I have less than zero idea of its truthfulness but I think it may be one of those Scandalous Factoids surrounding Henry VIII?
THAT IS SO RIDICULOUS
Wait, but. XD
You introduced oral sex to England, probably.
But, yeah, that’s a (fun!) old myth, I think. 😀
(Haha, HTML, you thought you could defeat me, but I prevailed.)
no no it wasn’t like they hadn’t hEARD of oral sex, it was just socially incorrect to up and start doing it without being introduced to it by a Boleyn first. it’s like how you couldn’t waltz at Almack’s until a patroness had granted you permission by tipping her fan at you. different era, same old England.
Oh! No, that makes perfect sense. Did you need a Boleyn to start things off once per session, as it were, or just once to cover your entire lifetime?
If the former, it seems irresponsible for Henry to treat the family so shabbily, I must say.
Well if it was a Royally-granted monopoly, like wool-dying or whatever, I assume Henry could just re-write the Oral Sex Guild’s charter to change it from a Boleyn monopoly to a Cromwell monopoly, or whoever was convenient at the time.
Scandalous Factoids is the perfect description.
I have not seen The Tudors, but this lovely rant pretty much takes care of it for me.
(also I panic googled Sam Neill because I thought he was ACTUALLY DEAD for 2 seconds. Don’t do this to me, Mallory.)
This rant actually makes me want to watch it because a) I forgot Natalie Dormer was in it and I need more of her in my life until Elementary finally gets her back (hopefully! please!) and b) I’m assuming not-Chris Martin is that werewolf guy from Lost Girl and I have great interest in seeing him in a gay subplot even if it is a terrible afterthought.
thank you for reminding me where I had seen not chris martin
I did that too! The wording was ambiguous.
Life…finds a way.
I should pack up and tell my boss I’m going home for the day, because that last line? My Monday, nay, my LIFE can only go downhill afterwards.
I yell a lot of things while watching The Tudors for the 870th time, but NATALIE THAT DRESS has to be the primary yell.
Nobody really has to watch The Tudors when there’s this excellent summary available. JR-M slinking around in those thigh-high boots to the tune of a 90s pop remix of Alice Cooper’s “Poison” preeetty much distilled the series for me.
I gave up on this show despite my undying and passionate love for all things period drama, but that video is amazing.
So, he’s redoing Velvet Goldmine? Not bad.
This is glorious.
I’m a Weir fangirl and according to her there were rumors that Henry was thinking about reuninting with Anne of Cleves (though the rumors were almost certainly false), so I figured the show was going for that. I did like that it emphasized his childishness: only wanting something after he didn’t have it/them anymore.
Natalie Dormer is AMAZING and is indeed made of scorn and rubies.
Henry VIII was still trying to get divorced in 1930??????
(also, and I hate myself for noticing this, but there is a zero instead of a letter O in “Anglo-Irish Rebellion.” Otherwise everything about this is completely perfect.
I’ll show myself out.)
Not here for the top lip hate. When your own father asks if you’re getting lip fillers the patriarchy has gone too far.
THEY’RE NATURAL but they were actually put in a catalog of a plastic surgeon I worked for and I know at least one pop star who has purchased them for herself.
That is kind of cool but so weird. Not your lips, the fact that someone else has purchased them.
It’s really weird when I see pictures of her standing all fish mouthed in the woods like some strung out nymph and I’m like HEY THAT’S MY MOUTH ON YOUR FACE
Is it Lana Del Rey? Please tell me it’s Lana Del Rey.
HIPAA says that I can’t confirm that… but I see no other likely candidates, do you? 😉
Wait can you talk a little more about how you(r lips) got into the catalog? Like, one day your boss comes in and says “hey everyone who comes in here is asking for your mouth [YES I MEANT TO DO THAT], can I please take a pic?” This fascinates me so much.
That’s pretty close – two other ladies who worked in the practice had gotten filler based on me (it was a perk for admin workers – if there was excess filler or Botox that was going to go to waste, staff got free treatments), so the doc had taken pictures for reference during those procedures and one day basically said that I was genetically blessed and asked if I would mind being in the catalog.
Now, I think (and thought at the time) that it would have been more accurate to put an “after” in, since my mouth is not the result of modification, but I didn’t really care. Now I just wish I got royalties!
For clarification – I was not public-facing staff, I had no patient contact, so it’s not like randos were dragging me back to the exam room like “do THIS”. It came about because of my lips’ popularity with the secretarial staff.
“because of my lips’ popularity with the secretarial staff.” I LOVE YOU
Oh my god I love this. This is even better than my imagining of the story!
I didn’t think this Tudor shouting article could get better, but IT DID.
do NOT tell me that the lana del rey lip filler debate has actually been settled in the middle comment of a Toast article about the TUDORS.
before.
I think it’s pretty well settled.
“HIPAA says that I can’t confirm that… “
HIPAA says all sorts of things. The question is, I think, whether we’re going to trust what they say or not.
But see, your lips go with the rest of your face. Gabrielle Anwar’s lips do not go with the rest of her face.
I had not heard of lip fillers before this column.
“Not-Chris Martin.” Spot-freaking-on. (I also screamed upon last rewatch when I realized it’s the same actor who plays Dyson on the absolutely BONKERS and delightfully Canadian Lost Girl.)
they were both Chris Martin and both TERRIBLE and why did they waste the gay subplot on those berks when Henry and the French king wrestled naked, it was RIGHT THERE
At least Lost Girl had the decency to have characters rag on him in-show for the resemblance. When will the Tudors take this simple step?
It’s not that they didn’t tell Heston about teh gay in Ben Hur so as to produce that “we-are-not-talking-about-this” discomfort; it’s that Heston was a homophobe and he never would have gone with it if he knew.
I think we can embrace Heston’s homophobia AND limited acting abilities as twin causes
I am so glad I am not the only one who has thought that guy looks like Chris Martin and why the hell is he attracted to rat-beard guy?!
Natalie Dormer is a Gift and this show is what gave her unto us so I am grateful for it (I also watched it religiously and gleefully because it is the opposite of historically accurate but SO MUCH FUN)
PREACH
I’ve finally realized what it is about her face that’s always seemed so unusual to me (other than the fact that it’s made of scorn and rubies and perfection). When she makes ‘o’ sounds, the right side of her mouth joins the left side of her mouth in the ‘o’ing a bit late.
I’ve always assumed she might have had a spell of Bell’s palsy at some point or something – the right side of her mouth and cheek pull down a tiny bit. But it’s one of those things that just makes her that much more radiant, so
Yeah, I only noticed it because of my own bout of it a couple of years ago. I got very creative about working around things.
The first thing my church choir sang, of course, was “The Paper Reeds by the Brooks.” Great, awesome, oh, and the alleluias at the end are a fun challenge, this’ll be great.
NATALIE THAT DRESS is pretty much the rallying cry ’round these parts as well.
Your screamings are much more coherent than mine when watching this show. Mine are more like
JONATHAN RHYS-MEYERS UGH WHY GOD JUST JUST GO AWAY WHY CAN’T ANNE JUST RUN AWAY WITH MARGARET, AND THEN ANNE’S SNEERING LIPS CAN TEACH MARGARET’S LIPS HOW TO BE HAPPY.
I would watch this spin-off yes good.
Why couldn’t all Henry’s wives go live at Anne of Cleves party castle? And Henry could do a Kelly Taylor and choose himself.
Velvet Goldmine is my favorite movie of all time and mostly Jonathan Rhys Meyers is perfect in it (in that his woodenness fits the character) but he almost ruins it by being a little too “no homo” closed-mouthed in his big kiss with Ewan McGregor. So I’m more than happy to see him yelled at in this manner.
But Ewan is so gloriously full homo for that whole movie and so gorgeous it makes up for everything
Thank god for Ewan McGregor showing his peen and pulling more than his own weight kissing JRM and sodomizing Christian Bale on a rooftop and feeling his oats in those tight silver pants.
A like is not enough for this comment. That movie is MAGICAL.
i watched that movie in high school, when i was super into david bowie (not that that’s changed) and was confused because he took all the sexy glam and made it so. boring.
One of my favorite guy friends, way back in the day, was following a discussion board where some guys were lamenting that Heath Ledger as the Joker would make The Dark Knight “too gay.” The illogic of that aside (both in that appearing in one movie as a gay character = gay or gay forever, and that Batman, as far as I can see from my vague learnings, has plenty of homoerotic tension to start with), I will always love dude friend for the equivalent of an online shrug as he pointed out Obi-Wan Kenobi had already fucked Batman on a rooftop, so. :mic drop:
Natalie Dormer is a treasure and the only good reason to watch The Tudors.
Wellllllll, that and for the time when Henry Cavill’s beauty fully overshadowed his horribly wooden acting.
But that face tho, that faaaaaace
OH MY GOD YES HENRY CAVILL. Also Henry Cavill naked banging anything that moves. That was a very important part of history that is often overlooked/
He had a man bun at one point on that show and it was just … pretty great.
That man bun was extremely important and excellent. It was a REAL man bun, with long hair on more than just the top of his head. The nonsense some men claim counts as a man bun these days is very upsetting. (I clearly have some Feelings about proper man buns.)
And … then he spoke French, n’est-ce pas?
(I have to admit I didn’t see the appeal. Then I saw him in his Superman … uh … attire. It was on TV, now, and I was Holidaze decorating, hush.)
My only complaint is that they kept him too clothed in the later seasons.
Also, that face is mostly why I own the man of steel on DVD.
One of my younger brothers is a 6’4″ bodybuilder with this exact face. (LADIES.)
So I can’t enjoy Mr. Cavill as he deserves, even in the later seasons when “20 years of aging” was portrayed by “somewhat unkempt beard.”
But still.
Yep, most of my yelling at The Tudors consisted of “Oh GAWD, Henry Cavill!”
MY LORD OF BUCKINGHAM: WHEN IS YOUR NEW CROSSFIT GYM OPENING, AND WILL YOUR FUEL COVER BAND BE PERFORMING AT THE RIBBON-CUTTING?
I hate Jonathan Rhys-Meyers so much. SO MUCH. so.much. I cannot with that sneer. I mean it is perfect for the part, but also I just can’t deal.
DON’T WANT YOU TO ASK THE FEMALE CAST TO PLUCK BACK THEIR HAIRLINES
Well, I do, just wax it off already if you cannot be bothered to make a beautiful fivehead hair by hair the way they did in old times.
how does the verse go, lead on the face, belladonna in the eyes, this is beauty’s rare disguise / bare of brow and bald of head, that’s how Tudors go to bed
that’s thomas wyatt I think?? this isn’t even my SUBJECT.
YES I AM HERE FOR THE THEORY THAT JONATHAN RHYS-MEYERS SERENDIPITOUSLY PORTRAYED SOME OF THE MOST RIDIC ASSHOLISHNESS.
I STILL THINK THE REDHEAD DUDE WHO GETS THE AXE IN EPISODE ONE WOULD HAVE BEEN A BETTER HENRY.
EVEN IF JANE WAS BORING, CATHERINE HOWARD’S CHILDISHNESS MADE ME ACTIVELY CRINGE.
switch to whisper: I hate being That Person, but there’s a typo in the year Tyndale wrote–1530.
I didn’t like Catherine Howard during my first watch of The Tudors, but oddly, found her much more sympathetic in a recent re-watch. She’s so young and foolish and naive that her untimely death does tug at even this weary old battleaxe’s heartstrings. The scene where they alternate images of her dancing in slow motion with her brave procession toward execution is just heartbreakingly lovely. It made me shake my fist at that dead, brat of an old wife-murderer yet again.
Though I heartily concur that the actor who portrayed the Duke of Buckingham would have made an excellent Henry: just as loutish, but more physically close to Henry Tudor than the eensy, dark Rhys-Meyers.
Oh gosh, Catherine Howard was perfect in the show. I am here for her, yes. The scenes where she’s really TRYING before she gets swept away in love are so poignant to me, and I don’t blame her for being young and stupid because god knows I was once too.
I didn’t mean cringe as in not liking her, really; I meant literally, it frequently crosses a line for me from the campy ridiculousness of the rest of the show, which is upped by the actress’s particular mannerisms. That might be good in the sense of the story but bad for the reason I watch The Tudors, you know?
(I think even in my Elizabeth I/Six Wives obsession as a kid I had problems with the Catherine Howard chapter being really squicky, for lack of a better word. Anne Boleyn’s story at least had this sort of high drama/Greek tragic aspect, and Catherine Howard just makes me feel yucky, even if my head-canon Catherine is a little less overtly childlike in her voice and mannerisms.)
I hate-watched this show while it was on. But I will say that I thought the show/Jonathan Rhys-Meyers did a really fantastic job of portraying what I really believe was Henry’s very unique gift of convincing himself that what he wanted was also what God wanted/was best for England. Because he very rarely goes, “I want this and so it must be.” It’s this whole process of, “I want this, but it cannot be. But maybe… It can be? Because how could anything that I want truly be wrong on account of how I am King? How could I be so successful if God did not love me? If I were wrong, God would definitely give me a sign about it and I definitely haven’t seen a sign so… FOR THE GLORY OF ENGLAND I MUST DO THE THING I HAVE WANTED TO DO THIS WHOLE TIME!”
One of my favorite movies of all time is Anne of the Thousand Days (which I strongly recommend to all and sundry!!! Richard Burton was born to play Henry VIII and Genevieve Bujold is more glorious than even Natalie Dormer!) and there is a scene where Thomas More warns Thomas Cromwell to tell the king what he should do, but never what he can do. And so obviously then Cromwell is like, “but what if you made yourself head of the church in England?” and Thomas More is just like, “…well, there it goes.”
Genevieve Bujold is a much better Anne Boleyn than Natalie Dormer.
And Natalie Dormer was way better than Natalie Portman.
This is even accounting for the actual scripts of all three pieces.
“Yes! Elizabeth shall be Queen, and my blood will have been well spent!”
I was like, “Well. I think we’re done here.”
HI I AM HERE TO COMMENT A HUNDRED THINGS:
1. YES, Gabrielle Anwar (I think) who plays Mary/Margaret Tudor — how can you cast someone who clearly has a 21 century face in a period piece? Her reasonings are her own and she is justified in having them, but she clearly looks out of place in a period drama.
2. Natalie Dormer is INDEED a jewel, and this is where I fell in love with her. You can tell she has a lot of sympathy for the character — and that comes through. There were moments when I hated Anne, and moments when I loved her, when I pitied her and when I yelled WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS.
3. Thomas Tallis’ plotline in Season One always struck me as something they were trying out when they were still trying to figure out how they wanted the show to go — there was a lot more mysticism in that first season too (remember Henry seeing creepy ghosts everywhere during the plague?) and in Season Two, they were like, uh, yeah, this isn’t working for us, byeeeeeeeeeeee. That tiny rat mustache though. Terrible. TERRIBLE.
4. I was really, really glad they recast Jane Seymour in Season Three. Season 2 Jane was perfect for HATING in Anne’s downfall, but there was no way that same Jane could have played sympathetic as the main female role in Season 3.
IN CONCLUSION, I just really, really love this terrible, wonderful, mess of a show, I literally was watching Season Two (THE ONLY ONE THAT MATTERS, really) last night.
I really dislike Gabrielle Anwar’s face. The plumpness of her lips goes poorly with the extreme angularity of her everything else.
I love her as Queen Anne in 1995’s ridiculous and delightful The Three Musketeers, wherein she had pale skin and the subcutaneous fullness of youth to go with her regal posture.
But ten years on, her lips are at least as big as they were then, while everything else went all tan and bony in a very Real Housewives of Hollywood way that begs for an in-show explanation. Maybe have someone sneer about her Spanish blood, or summer in Nice, or “peculiar beauty” or something…still thought their boning on the ship was hot though. 😉
And yes, Season 2 FTW. Or FTB, where B stands for Badass Boleyn Bitch-queen/Beheading.
JONATHAN RHYS-MEYERS- SUMMA CUM LAUDE GRADUATE OF SMELL THE FART SCHOOL OF DRAMATIC TRICKS
Yes! He has exactly two expressions throughout the series: 1) fart-enjoying smirk 2) nostril-flared fury. He’s also got to be the yelliest Henry Tudor ever cast. It’s like he was trying to make himself seem larger and more imposing vocally.
best comment of the year, and the competition was stiff
he’s like the wickerman nicholas cage of tudor drama
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8XtYhUunq30
I stopped watching the show because I couldn’t take any more of his constant yelling, and general lack of acting ability.
Myself, I can’t resist making a loud “Ta-daaaah!” or ZINNNGGGing noise whenever J R-M suddenly, dramatically, STANDS UP FROM HIS THRONE in the credit sequence. It’s just so utterly ridiculous I feel like applauding. “Behold! I RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISE!!!”
There needs to be a Toast Commentary with all DVDs, like they have Director Commentary. Because things like this need to be in it.
Also, I will never fully get over literally every single aspect of what they did to Mary Tudor.
Her name is the same as his daughter and/or mistress? Give her his other sister’s name!
We already introduced the young, sexy King of France so she can’t marry his elderly predecessor? No one knows anything about Portugal, have her marry a king of there instead!
Not exciting enough television to have him die of old age? Have her murder him!
For my feelings on all of this (and really most of The Tudors in general), see the “Flames… flames… on the side of my face” bit that Mallory so helpfully posted earlier!
I enjoy the fact that my first instinct on hearing the name Henry Fitzroy was to think of Blood Ties, and then when I googled that the first image for the wikipedia description was from the show.
In conclusion, Natalie Dormer.
I have so many thoughts re: Natalie Dormer. She is SO BEAUTIFUL AND PRECIOUS. And I want to put my mouth on her mouth. But also? Her face is confusing to me? Like almost unreal or manufactured in an alien expedition way? But also I don’t care and I want to kiss her real bad.
See? Lots of thoughts.
I had not heard of her either, then I googled pictures of her face and it’s like asymmetrical but in a charmingly insouciant way. In a reddit AMA she says her sister has the same lopsided mouth. Some sort of genetic one-sided facial-muscle weakness? Sexy as hell, whatever caused it!
/dies of happiness
As an art historian of the period, I actually can’t watch this for fear I might die of apoplexy. Give me Wolf Hall – where they actually eschewed modern lighting and based costuming off of Holbein’s paintings.
And Damien Lewis was a great Henry! Henry was supposed to be the larger than life golden boy who everyone legit loved, who could charm people like the devil himself. Lewis was that guy. You could see why people would want to be near him and would risk his anger just to give him what he wanted. JRM was definitely not that guy. When he got angry you just want to send him to time out.
You should definitely NEVER watch Reign.
I’m not even a historian and the costumes (and a million other inaccuracies) still makes my eye twitch.
Were the transparent veily things Anne and her crowd wore accurate? Because they were the one thing that looked off to me, and I couldn’t remember seeing them before in either a painting or on TV. But no one said anything about it and everything else was clearly right (except that I think there was too much boot-wearing?) so I guess it was fine?
Can we talk about how Margaret being made to have unwilling sex with the King of Portugal was PLAYED FOR LAUGHS? Super messed up. I actually don’t think that kind of flippancy would make it into a tv show today, though, given the outcry about the rapes in Game of Thrones. Progress, maybe?
Not getting the appeal of Natalie Dormer is like my one break with The Toast. She has the same single-expression smirking problem as Jonathan Rhys-Meyers! Is this how the non-Hamilton fans around here feel, omg.
(My heretic Dormer opinions aside, this piece is perfect.)
I didn’t like her Anne very much, and didn’t really continue in the season. I’m a little more inclined to blame the writing, because I like an Anne with a little more agency than we saw in the Tudors until I got bored with it. (The Anne in Wolf Hall is perfect.)
Yes to Wolf Hall Anne! I am also a huge fan of the Henry in Wolf Hall.
::pats empty space on a lonely bench:: you can sit with me
Hello my friend!! I love Hamilton but I will join you in the Meh on Natalie Dormer tea circle.
Her face is also very..unsettling. It looks like a tangram. You do you, tangram lovers I guess.
That is probably how I didn’t recognize her as the same person in this, Elementary or Hunger Games…
I dunno the smirking is hot when a girl does it.
I stopped watching around Season 3 but my favorite part of The Tudors was always the bananas costuming. I do not require historical accuracy in my modern television programming but… just….
Sorry to pick on Anne but dang
I’m sorry, but is Henry wearing a pleather tunic? Because I think he’s wearing a pleather tunic.
I thought it was a bin liner.
Either way, it’s not acceptable in any way.
A bin liner with the word “honesty” haphazardly attached. Hmmmm….
“NATALIE DORMER YOU ARE MADE OF SCORN AND RUBIES AND I DO NOT DESERVE TO EVEN LOOK AT YOUR FACE”
Yes, this is just an accurate statement for everyone always. We should all get this on our tombstones.
I’m not sure if this counts, but a few years ago I was discussing the historical Tudors with some friends and one yelled at us to stop talking about wives 3 – 6 because she didn’t want to hear any spoilers for the TV show.
If you want to have seizures over period incorrect casting, I offer you Julie Christie in Dr. Zhivago.
Natalie Dormer continues, in all cases, to look like a sexy mouse, and it distresses me so.
Or an anthropomorphic rabbit? http://gifsec.com/funny/gif-natalie-dormer-looks-…
I feel exactly the same way about Jonathan Rhys-Meyers as Mallory does about Tom Hiddleston, and I made myself watch a few episodes of The Tudors because I knew people who were extras in it.
I. could. not. deal.
I remember watching him win some acting award (the cognitive dissonance gave me a nosebleed) at a fancy ceremony (the Emmys?) and he was ostentatiously chewing gum and said something like, “Yeah…thanks.” and I wanted to slap him.
I muttered, “Yer a feckin’ BOWSIE, you are!” at the telly.
If there were a walking embodiment of the Irish slang term “gurrier” it is him. Urgh.
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WILL YOU WOMEN PLEASE COVER YOUR HAIR! ALL OF IT! ALL OF YOU!
Maria Doyle Kennedy is really nailing down the “unwanted wife” roles, isn’t she?
i can’t do it. just can’t watch. not even in jest. it is possible nothing has ever made me feel more scholarly snobbery. i am not a neurotic lady – or not *too* neurotic, i don’t think – but i feel actual anxiety watching bits of this, in spite of my earnest desire to join in on the appreciation of bananas costumery & dormer scorn.
wolf hall or bust.
(apologies for the double-commenting as I sort out how to comment as a real toast person as opposed to occasional hairpin-pining lurker.)
I’mma leave this here: http://www.harkavagrant.com/index.php?id=230
1. I recently found an Etsy shop that makes replica accessories from TV shows and this
INCLUDES ANNE’S CROWNS.
2. Mallory I really think you should watch Reign, it is an Experience.
Oh! Anne’s spiky crowns! I loved them so. They made her look like a very beautiful, glamorous hedgehog.
And yes, Reign is delightful if you thought The Tudors was not absurd and ahistoric ENOUGH. I LOVE IT AND I AM NOT ASHAMED.
Jonathan Rhys-Meyers always makes me feel there was some terrible mix-up. His face is so interesting — handsome but in a strange, haunted way — intense pale eyes. This was clearly the face God MEANT to give an interesting, powerful actor. But God’s hand slipped, I guess, and J-RM is so one-note and boring I can’t watch him.
Christian Bale is not quite as bad but basically the same. The bone structure writes cheques the acting can’t cash.
That’s how I feel about Henry Cavill. Ridiculously gorgeous face, terrible acting skills.
It wouldn’t be so bad if they were just sort of blandly handsome in a chunky, smiley, Riley-from-Buffy sort of way. But aquiline, sensitive, Byronic faces somehow give you the impression the person underneath must be capable of something awesome.
I feel worse for Christian Bale — not only does he have the face, he also TRIES! REALLY! HARD! Like that film the Machinist, where he was playing a guy who hadn’t slept for a year, and he lost a frightening amount of weight. And he ended up conveying a man who had lost a frightening amount of weight, and absolutely nothing more.
Tom Hardy is kind of the opposite. Good, thoughtful actor! Apparently, very nice person! Such unmemorable good looks someone typically has to nudge me and say “that’s Tom Hardy”.
I agree. It really is a tragedy when an actor so clearly has a perfect face for film but no skills to back it up.
However, my opinion differs from yours about Christian Bale and Tom Hardy. I’ve seen Christian Bale give a number of great performances (off the top of my head, Laurel Canyon, The Fighter, 3:10 to Yuma, Velvet Goldmine, American Psycho, etc., etc.) He’s a great actor who takes lots of risks in the roles he chooses. Some of them pan out, and some of them don’t.
I totally agree that Tom Hardy is a wonderful, compelling actor, but I’ll never understand anyone who thinks Tom Hardy’s looks are unmemorable – I mean, those lips alone!
“But God’s hand slipped, I guess”
*ded*
*will be using; perhaps overusing*
Mallory why is there no ‘Dirtbag Henry VIII’? Not enough of a challenge?
I didn’t want more than one episode of Tudors because as a historian of Tudor and Stuart England I thought I might just die of inaccuracy poisoning. But after reading this, I kind of want to.
high heels! loose hair! no petticoats! it is death by a thousand glorious, bejeweled paper cuts.
I only came to this post because my entire family (including me) was in Tudors at some point. Like if you see a particularly handsome yoeman at any point and are thinking ‘Hmm, that boy is very pretty and also good at standing still beside JRM’, that boy is my brother.
I was also in a scene with JRM and Natalie Dormer (I think…) at a point in my life when I was in the ‘I frantically want to bone JRM and his sneery face’ phase. And then they put me in smelly wench dress and a knock off nun’s habit. So that was a fun day.
I am so very tempted to send this to Brother and SIL as she worked on the entire run of Tudors and and now works with all the same crew on the latest ridiculous american period drama filmed in Ireland.
Also fun fact: The girl who shag’s Henry in the first episode (and shows everything.) was an Irish actress who was promised that Tudors would never broadcast in Ireland. About six months later there was a big Irish tv premiere and her dad got to watch her bone JRM totally naked.
Wait, are we talking about Katie McGrath? I vaguely remember her having a cameo in The Tudors. She went on to star in Merlin and I think she may be friends with Natalie Dormer (they did the Ice Bucket Challenge together in a video that transcended all sexual orientations and made me want to fall down and worship at their feet).
TBH I have no idea; i only watched that episode that then we all gave up on watching Tudors (We did not give up taking their money though, so much money for standing around looking wenchy)
HOW MANY MINUTES OF SEASON FOUR ARE SPENT FURIOUSLY UNDRESSING WHILE PANTING?
I would like a percentage
I am still to this day convinced that the writers of the show was a Henry VIII/Charles Brandon shipper.
Also, OMG HENRY CAVILL HE IS SO GOODLOOKING.
TBH I have no idea; i only watched that episode that then we all gave up on watching Tudors (We did not give up taking their money though, so much money for standing around looking wenchy)
Henry’s sister didn’t even marry the King of Portugal, much less murder him. But hey, they were never going to let the facts stand in the way of a good story 🙂
I'm in the UK, where it's at the back end of the cable offering, along with Parliament TV. Folks elsewhere might be out of luck, which is a shame because it's a whole new world of TV viewing.
Ohh TV like real TV
I shall find a way!
Please write one of these for Vikings. That show is written with the same dedication to historical accuracy (sarcasm) as The Tudors (considering that both shows were created by the same guy) and if show on needs something to scream at it, it's this one.
At least they accurately portrayed Anne of Cleves’s attractiveness, the likely real reasons for Henry being dissatisfied with her, and just how out of left-field and incomprehensible the rest of the court saw Henry’s insistence that he was dissatisfied with her because she was ugly and smelled.
Show!Cromwell really dropped the ball on pushing for Henry to remarry so soon after losing Jane, that whole fiasco looks to be the ultimate root of why Show!Henry suddenly became so irritated and perturbed by Show!Cromwell and had him executed.