- “Hey, guys, have fun at water polo practice, don’t let Coach hassle you too much, I know he can be hard on you but he really just wants you to do your best!”
- “You guys look like you’re having a really nice night!’
- “WHAT WOULD YOU SAY IS YOUR FAVORITE MONTH OF THE YEAR, IF YOU HAD TO PICK ONE”
- “Be sure to drink plenty of water you guys! YOU GUYS!”
- “I REALLY LIKE THAT YOU’RE ALL WEARING DIFFERENT COLORED PASTEL SHORTS, YOU GUYS SEEM LIKE YOU HAVE A FUN FRIENDSHIP”
- “Guys, you are going to be late for water polo practice if you don’t hurry!”
- “I hope your night is magical!”
- “Palm the ball, Dylan!”
- “I have a really good feeling that you guys are going to pass the bar!”
- “You should treasure your friendships with each other, dudes!”
I can report that 100% of the time the response is momentary shock followed by pure delight, feel free to try this at home sometime, if you feel like it.
[Image via]
My partners and I often sit on our front stoop grumbling about the “unsupervised youth” who roam the sidewalks. We are apparently more crotchety folk than you. You just keep bringin’ that delight to these young men, Mallory! Make this generation better than the last!
“I have a really good feeling that you guys are going to pass the bar!”
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohhh OUCH.
ETA: Any advice for what to yell at young lacrosse players?
TBH I’m studying for the bar right now and I can’t tell you how much I would enjoy it if random people hollered this at me.
Right, but you read The Toast. Obviously *we* have a good feeling that *you* are going to pass the bar.
This. I even felt a tiny little uplift when I read the sentence. (We’re probably going to pass, right?? RIGHT??)
You’ll do great!!!
You’re going to do great and you definitely deserve that treat you got yourself yesterday/will get yourself tomorrow because you have to be mentally healthy too do your best.
I am absolutely certain of it.
GINTHIRTY! WORK THAT SHIT, YO! YOU ARE FULL-ON GOING TO PASS THE BAR!!!!!!!!! DO IT!!!!
P.S. A friend of mine just did this last year and… really, that bodes well for you.
“Palm the ball, Dylan!”
DYLAN! Of course there’s a Dylan, followed by teammates Blaine, Spencer and Rutger AKA Rugger the Bugger.
“Put a little more whip in that stick!”
(I’m a coach. Boys like discussing whip.)
D’oh, that was for the lacrosse question above. Darn phone!
I FOUND IT ANYWAY.
I actually know a Dylan who plays water polo, so yep.
I’d like to think it would look something like this madness:
http://www.insidelacrosse.com/article/2015-lacros…
“I REALLY LIKE THAT YOU’RE ALL WEARING DIFFERENT COLORED PASTEL SHORTS, YOU GUYS SEEM LIKE YOU HAVE A FUN FRIENDSHIP” D’awwwwwww. Bros 4 life!
One time, in Kansas City, I got stopped by two young-ish men as I was walking past them. I did my best to walk around them but then one of them said “We just found out we’re having a baby! Which name do you like better, Adam or Jaden?” They were so damn excited that they practically shouted it at me. By far the best interaction with random stranger dudes I’ve ever had.
Adam, right?
You know it.
OMG obviously.
Uuuuugh Jaden you’d think the gays would have more taste.
Jaden is the salmon shorts of names.
The only Jaden I know in real life is in his late 20s, gay, and awesome, so I have no such bad feelings about the name.
Incorrect, we all “know” Jaden Smith, in our hearts.
The older I get, the more entitled I feel to just say whatever is on my mind to youngsters, whether in packs or on their own. I have found there to be zero repercussions from my actions.
I fully support you, Mallory. And I bet you’re right. I bet those guys really are having a fun friendship. Bless.
Every winter I have to fight harder against the impulse to tell younger people that they really should put on a sweater, young man.
I am not yet 30.
But they should put on a sweater.
I just want to tell them to pull their damn trousers up. I am 25.
“Be sure to drink plenty of water you guys! YOU GUYS!”
This is really important because dehydration can be very sneaky when you’re playing a sport in the water.
Thank you, Mallory, for always being mindful about a stranger’s risk of dehydration.
I played a sport not-in-the-water, but I used to yell at my college teammates that I wanted them peeing clear at the end of the day if I thought they weren’t drinking enough water. My goal was to be mortifying enough that they all just drank enough water so I didn’t start asking them about the color of their urine, but mostly it didn’t work because eeeeeverybody knew I was a giant weirdo already, and my college team was bad enough that talk of urine was just not the most mortifying thing going on that day. (most days, anyway).
I worked at a Girl Scout camp and we used the “your pee’s gotta be clear!” line all the time. Sure, kid, you may think I’m a weirdo NOW, but you’ll be thanking me on that hike later.
Sounds like my high school cross country coach– “I want everybody to have to duck into the woods for a quick pee at the starting line! Otherwise you’re dehydrated.”
The version I love is “when your pee is clear, hydration is near”, because it conveys that hydration is a *process*, not an endpoint.
Oh goodness, I was also obsessed with trying to convince everyone to set *process* goals rather than *outcome* goals, so I love this too!!!!
My high school choir director was fond of saying “Pee clear, sing clear!”
The best interaction I’ve had with random dudes was in Vegas, during a visit in February. My group – mostly lesbians – was wearing fleece because it was chilly, and the dudes were like, “You’re cool, we’re from Canada in town for a street hockey tournament, and we’re going to a strip club. We have a chartered bus; come with us! We’ll pay for your lap dances and drinks all night!”
Sadly and probably smartly, I as outvoted and we didn’t go.
I am sad for your loss.
i wiggled my eyebrows at my laptop screen after reading “Palm the ball, Dylan!”
Now I dream of wandering around the streets of the Bay Area with a pack of bros, waiting for Mallory to yell at me.
Many people have that dream.
I’m reminded of Carmen Esposito’s excellent bit on street harassment
“I like you for you!”
“YOU CANT POSSIBLY KNOW THAT”
This is beautiful and perfect and I love it and I want to try it.
I am going to use this, for sure, the opportunities in my city are limitless: “I REALLY LIKE THAT YOU’RE ALL WEARING DIFFERENT COLORED PASTEL SHORTS, YOU GUYS SEEM LIKE YOU HAVE A FUN FRIENDSHIP”
“AND YOU EACH HAVE DIFFERENT SEA CREATURES EMBROIDERED ON THOSE SHORTS! GOOD WORK GUYS”
There’s a chap at work who has taken to wearing pastel capris (I think they’re bermudas but they are cut more like capris) with deck shoes (in the Irish “summer” which is currently mostly lashing rain) and I keep wanting to ask him if he’s bought a yacht yet, which would be mean. Instead I can now ask him if he has ever played water polo which seems a kinder, more curious option.
Also fun: holding doors open for dudes. They get SO CONFUSED.
I have guys who have straight up frozen in confusion and a few who refuse to let me hold the door open for them, they will stand next to me practically demanding I go first. Pretty sure I’m known as a weirdo in my office and I cherish every moment of it.
I did that at prom, after guessing how long it would take my (male) date to go through it. TWENTY SECONDS OF VISIBLE CONSTERNATION. It was awesome.
I have had many wonderful conversations with strangers when I do this, mostly consisting about how sometimes the chivalrous thing to do is to let someone else be chivalrous regardless of one’s penis or lack thereof.
See, this is weird to me. I thought holding the door was just common courtesy, not a chivalry thing. I hold the door open for whoever’s nearby, and I expect everyone else to hold the door for whoever’s nearby. When I hold the door for dudes they walk right through and say thanks, just like everyone does. Maybe it’s a Canadian thing?
When I hold the door for dudes who aren’t coworkers or friends they frequently grab the door right above my head and insist I go through before them, which is awkward as heck
Ugh, I hate that move. Stranger armpits in my face!
Me too. You just hold the door for everyone. It is just a common courtesy thing. Doesn’t everyone do it? I’ve never had anyone refuse to go through. Likewise, I’ve never refused to go through a door being held if I already intended to go through it.
Go figure.
Oooh oohh ooooh I’ve gotta tell my favourite door-holding story, it is so great.
I work as an archivist and the company I work for does a bunch of different schools/orgs/colleges/clubs etc. I was at an Extremely Fucking Snooty Golf Club a couple of years ago, pulling a trolley of boxes and things, heading for the archives storage space, which – crucially – was gotten to by entering the MEMBERS ONLY door and taking a side exit before you got to the old sweaty dudes’ common room. Old Dude approaches from the other direction, holds the door for me, and simultaneously says “You can’t come in here, it’s men only”. BUDDY IF I CAN’T COME IN WHY ARE YOU HOLDING THE DOOR. Also I can come in, that is the purpose of my being there. Screw you, old dude.
This is the kind of place that forbids the wearing of jeans and answering of mobile phones on the premises. Joke’s on them, I wear black jeans and a long cardigan so they can’t see the rivets on the jeans, and I answer my phone if/when I need to, since my boss is usually on the other end.
I think there’s some sort of unspoken difference between going through the door and then holding it open for the person coming in behind you, versus getting to the door, holding it open, and letting the person go ahead of you. The former is fine to most dudes, but the latter seems to consternate them. I do the former for a person of any gender walking in behind me, unless they’re pushing a stroller or otherwise need the extra hand.
Related: when there is a mixed-gender group waiting for a bus or elevator, and a man holds the door open for the women of the group and then either a) gets in as soon as there are only men waiting to get on or b) gives the men who take advantage of the courtesy a funny look.
I offer to share my umbrella when it’s raining and I am the only one who has thought to come prepared for this. SO MUCH CONFUSION. This is all happening around UVA, right in the center of lacrosse country, so they get extra confused.
My favorite ever interaction with would-be hecklers: I was walking down the mean streets of Evanston, IL, with two female friends. Two guys were walking the opposite direction, and one said “Two girls? I’ll take one off your hands!” as they passed. I turned around and said “Go ahead. I’ll take one of you.”
This is hilarious but it also makes me vaguely uncomfortable because I know my dad played water polo in college. Did he have a fun friendship with guys in pastel shorts? Do I want to know if he did?
This is especially delightful as my default mental image of water polo players is burly mustachioed Hungarians.
“PALM THE BALL, JANOS!”
the summer here in Eire has not been great! I do think that asking about water polo would delightfully confuse the fellow so have at it!
This is what I’m picturing
http://saybrennana.com/?comic=water-polo
This is what I'm picturing
http://saybrennana.com/?comic=water-polo
I think there's some sort of unspoken difference between going through the door and then holding it open for the person coming in behind you, versus getting to the door, holding it open, and letting the person go ahead of you. The former is fine to most dudes, but the latter seems to consternate them. I do the former for a person of any gender walking in behind me, unless they're pushing a stroller or otherwise need the extra hand.
GINTHIRTY! WORK THAT SHIT, YO! YOU ARE FULL-ON GOING TO PASS THE BAR!!!!!!!!! DO IT!!!!
P.S. A friend of mine just did this last year and… really, that bodes well for you.
I am sad for your loss.
Many people have that dream.
I am absolutely certain of it.