"Hey, guys, have fun at water polo practice, don't let Coach hassle you too much, I know he can be hard on you but he really just wants you to do your best!"

On Saturday, not for the first time, my dad offers to buy me a gun. I’m still in my running gear, sitting on my bed, certain I’m leaving sweaty ass-prints on my good quilt, but I’ve got no choice. I have to sit here, crammed against the wall’s one outlet because my phone can’t hold a charge, and I have to call him. He’s my dad, and I want him to make me feel better.

Wait, that sounds terrible. Obviously, we mean you can now purchase Mallory Ortberg and Matt Lubchansky's comic masterpiece for the low price of $20.

Give one to a friend! Give one to someone who harasses you on the street!

The Toast does not endorse giving presents to street harassers. --Nicholas Pavich, publisher.