Someone Find This Citation About The Almost-Threesome Involving Dick Cavett and Marlon Brando Immediately

by Mallory Ortberg · March 18, 2016

Nothing has ever been more urgent. Someone find me this citation at once:

“Cavett once related an anecdote that he and Marlon Brando were having dinner at a restaurant when a female fan approached the two men and made an advance. The men almost partook in a threesome with the fan, but Cavett decided against it because they had not finished their soup.[citation needed]”

THIS IS SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT THAN THAT MARLON BRANDO-JAMES DEAN D/S THING (which, okay, obviously happened, but is also OBVIOUS), I NEED DETAILS POST OF HASTE.

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Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.


47 Comments

  2. sparkwoodand21 +136

    That must have been some really good soup. Forget the citation; gimme that recipe.

    1. thebeagee +104

      I feel like “finish the soup” is a misdirect here. What they’re really say is: the prospect of a threesome is SO COMMON in the lives of these fellows that a threesome with some random fan is not worth leaving a perfectly good bowl of soup.

      1. isabelcooper +62

        Right? Like, well, threesomes we get every day, but they put a little cardamom in this pea soup and it’s *amazing*.

        1. cosetthetable +38

          Not just ever day, but also multiple times per meal. Like, no reason asking this nice lady to stick around, by the time we finish the dessert, someone else lovely will have come by.

  4. SilentTrystera +108

    Can you imagine being this woman and coming so close to having this threesome only to be denied because of soup?

    1. thebeagee +88

      “Oh, so you’re not interested? I mean, I could make some soup at home after- oh. Oh, yes, I see. Yes, cioppino mmhmm. Yes, I understand the clams are really fresh. I mean, if you’re interested in CLAMS…Ok, fine. Bad euphemism. I’ll just be on my way then.”

      *shuffles feet*

      “I mean, you could just take it to go? No no, I get it. Fresh is fresh. Okay then.”

  5. jjblack +43

    It was, unfortunately, borscht.

    Sacks, Mike. And Here’s the Kicker: Conversations with 25 Top Humor Writers on Their Craft. Writer’s Digest, 2009.

  6. Bonnie +49

    I’m on the trail…

    The Imus Show
    Thursday, October 24, 2013

    8:41:56 a.m. – The GREAT Dick Cavett, who is officially, one of the most charming and interesting people on the planet, is here. He tells half the famous Marlon Brando story. The other half involves a woman fan, who offered her ‘services’ free of charge, to both Mr. Cavett and ‘Marlon’ (As Sir Richard calls him) to which, Dick said… “Thanks…but I’d like to finish my soup.”
    http://bit.ly/1nUkVnN

  7. ophelias_ghost +20

    Here’s the link

    Also, Googling “Dick Cavett Marlon Brando threesome” also turns up
    this delightful interview in which Cavett recounts a night out in Chinatown when Brando punched a paparazzo in the jaw

  8. 30Litresof +44

    So I didn’t know about the Marlon Brando/James Dean D/s thing (which yes, is far more obvious) and I looked it up and sounds like Brando was straight up abusive to James Dean 🙁 Why must everything in my Old Hollywood spank bank be ruined by the actual people having been assholes?

      1. 30Litresof +21

        I don’t really know anything about him tbh other than he was a hot dude, so yeah probably.

    2. NovemberDecember +85

      If it helps at all James Dean also apparently once had a threesome with Eartha Kitt and Paul Newman, which was probably lovely.

    3. alula_auburn +19

      I’m just reading about it this second, and I’m not sure what it says about me that “made Dean loiter outside like a puppy dog*, hoping to be invited in to have sex” makes me so much more sad than “burnt him with cigarettes” or “made him watch while Brando had sex with other people.”

      *just the loitering was puppy dog-ish, I assume and hope

    4. dameacademyalumna +9

      Did the D/s part actually happen or is it just from a Brando/Dean equivalent of Full Service or Sappho Goes to Hollywood?

      Marlo Brando was often said to be an asshole so I believe that part.

      1. Mallory Ortberg +32

        ARE YOU SUGGESTING THAT THERE IS A SINGLE LIE IN “FULL SERVICE” BECAUSE IF SO KINDLY EXIT MY WEBSITE

        1. dameacademyalumna +26

          I WOULD NEVER

          Except for the parts about Katharine Hepburn. She was a treasure and her skin was soft and unblemished because bathing in the blood of your unworthy enemies will do that.

  9. ofTrebond +58

    Everyone’s focused on the soup, but if they hadn’t finished their soup they probably had other courses coming. They would have had to sacrifice their whole meal if they left the restaurant at that point.

    When I type it out like that it still doesn’t seem like a very good reason to forgo a threesome. They could have gotten pizza after.

    1. dameacademyalumna +19

      I wanted to know this too but since nobody would tell us I had to go research this. It’s apparently from a book called James Dean: Tomorrow Never Comes where they had an on-off D/s thing going and Marlon Brando was abusive to James Dean.

      Somehow, nobody ever told me this book existed and maybe I don’t have any real friends.

    1. thebeagee +16

      “I don’t WANT cock-a-leekie, I don’t LIKE cock-a-leekie!”

      (Where is a The Witches .gif when you need one?)

  12. owlbrick +31

    Still doesn’t hold a candle to that Eartha Kitt/James Dean/Paul Newman threesome thing you wrote about a while back, imo.

    1. dameacademyalumna +37

      I’ve been around the old Hollywood gossip block a few times and nothing holds a candle to that story. Probably because it’s one of the few gossip things that are both plausible and not about someone being a douche.

    2. eGillianh +15

      But wouldn’t they cause a hotness singularity? Eartha Kitt by herself, but Paul Newman one of the most attractive men of all time? Plus poor little James Dean. /me wanders off to ao3

  13. Ivans_Sister +4

    This is the second Dick Cavett reference I have seen today, and it’s not even 9am. (The first was on the Throwing Shade podcast.)

    1. beaucoup1314 +14

      So am I. Dick Cavett was very good at low-key responses to the most outrageous remarks and behavior.

    2. Unreadaethel +17

      Same. “Ah, yes. Er. I’m flattered, really, but you see, I…have to finish this soup. Yes.”

  15. crawlkill +49

    I feel like if you’re James Dean you probably feel a pure and pristine moral responsibility to bottom for as many people as possible

  17. dameacademyalumna +10

    I think Dick Cavett just really liked food. He once told a story about trying to talk to Greta Garbo by asking her a question about vegetables (it’s on YouTube).

  18. Mikey +45

    And yet if a woman turns down a threesome because of soup she’s considered “frigid” and “weirdly into soup”. smh.