The Desert Fathers

by Mallory Ortberg · February 23, 2016

ANTHONY THE GREAT: let’s all move to the desert
there’s more God where sand is

PACHOMIUS THE GREAT: what if we all lived alone
but together

ANTHONY THE GREAT: what

PACHOMIUS THE GREAT: obviously mostly alone
but maybe a LITTLE bit together
so we don’t all have to build our own wells

ANTHONY THE GREAT: spiritually I don’t even want to talk about any food that isn’t bread
the greatest prayer of all is shutting up

DIOCLETIAN: more like the Desert Bothers

ATHANASIUS: [braids rope in total silence] ah man God’s gonna love this

BROTHERS: father Anthony
please give us your wisdom
instruct us
speak to us

ANTHONY THE GREAT: never
…you’re welcome

MACARIUS: I don’t want to talk to ANYONE who isn’t God
or maybe a bird God sent to visit me
or another monk who has seen a God-bird and wants to tell me about it
but that’s IT

PAUL OF THEBES: i’m going to go build a hut by myself and spend the rest of my life not leaving God alone

PAUL OF THEBES: God
God
God
hi God
hello God
hi God hi
God
God are you still there
hi God
God
God
God
God it’s me your old pal Paul of Thebes

SIMEON STYLITE: brothers it’s VERY important to God that i live on the smallest place there is
this sand isn’t enough anymore
gotta sit up on a stone wall and hurl prayers at God til he sends birds after me

ANTHONY THE GREAT: excuse me, fellas
gotta go look at some demons with my stern face
turn em into smoke
show em what’s what

DISCIPLE OF ARSENIUS THE GREAT: more like Ar-sinlessness the Great

MONK #1: you know what i hate

MONK #2: what

MONK #1: cities
and fellowship
living near someone

MONK #2: oh my wow
me too

MONK #1: oh wow

MONK #2: we have so much in common

MONK #1: ok well see you next year

MONK #2: talk then

JOHN COLOBOS: [silently basket-weaving] gonna fill this with holiness

HILARION: what is this
TWO cloaks?
what am I
the emperor??
i’ve only got one body and one God
what do I need two clothes for

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.


102 Comments

  3. sednarea51 +134

    “spiritually I don’t even want to talk about any food that isn’t bread” forget the Bible, this is the ancient teaching that speaks to me. bread or gtfo

  4. bighairnoheart +46

    I’m pretty sure Monk #1 and #2’s conversation is my mother’s goal when it comes to human interactions. Seriously. I think aspiring to hermitude is in the blood.

    Don’t like cities or fellowship or living near someone?

    Move to a mountain in Vermont.

    1. Kathleen +27

      I think we might be siblings. In a recent (read:over a year ago) conversation with my mother, she proudly and relievedly crowed that she had finally, FINALLY got rid of all her friends, and that it was the best feeling EVAR.

      And yet. She works at a job, lives in a city, and has a crushing sense of humor.

    2. howardbann1ster +30

      No! The mountain is full–if you send any more then I’ll have a neighbor! A NEIGHBOR! Would you do such a thing to me? No more!

      1. fcjaugusta +37

        When I was in high school we moved to a field in the middle of nowhere, and then my dad got upset when someone built a house a quarter mile away.

        1. arlette +28

          Well, yeah, looking at a parcel of land and just *knowing* there’s someone there even if you can’t see them, they might as well be coming over and talking about the weather and pressing unasked-for food on you in good Tupperware that you just know they used so you’d have to bring it back to them.

          This is why I wrap baked goods I give away in brown paper.

          1. fcjaugusta +3

            Kind of. More like a wannabe Jedediah Smith. When I was very young we lived in a “town” of maybe 50 people in the middle of the forest.

  5. popelizbet +37

    In my current faith crisis I have become Paul of Thebes, and it’s bugging me so it’s nice to read this and laugh about it instead.

  7. Deborah +75

    It was the favourite most obvious pun in my undergraduate divinity days to refer to Simeon Stylite’s days as the high point of monasticism.

    We were all so witty.

  8. crawlkill +101

    monks really need to learn some texting discipline. maybe God’s just not that into you? you gotta pray hard to get, man.

    1. Jungle_Red +82

      Right?

      Paul of Thebes: hi God hi
      God
      God are you still there

      God: …..

      Paul of Thebes: fuck you you’re too fat to be my deity

  11. tabbylavalamp +52

    I find it difficult to believe all these Men Went Their Own Way without complaining about women all the time.

    2. leslieellenjones +29

      I thought the whole point of being a Desert Father was the being tormented by visions of lascivious women trying to tempt you from your austerity. Otherwise, why bother?

  12. lesliejroot +35

    I went to Episcopal kindergarten, and our Bible Time featured lamb and lion puppets named Agnes and Athanasius. I loved them so much that my parents got me my own lion and lamb stuffed toys that I named the same names (I still have them). I finally got the Agnes pun years later and it slayed me, but I never knew who Athanasius was and now I am going to go look him up. #coolstory

    1. beachlass +39

      One of my teachers in theology school referred to The Creed of Athanasius as:
      “We believe in God. We believe in God a lot.”

  13. Kathleen +45

    This is fantastic. And I think it might be time for a Judy Blume style, “Are You There, God? It’s Me, Paul of Thebes.”

  14. Unreadaethel +54

    Oh fuck, this reminds me that I have a sermon to write. For tomorrow. I haven’t looked at the lectionary in about a month, so I don’t even remember what my readings are, but I think they’re all about sin and how it’s terrible.

      1. Unreadaethel +50

        The parable of the sower is also one of the appointed readings, so I think I’ll talk about proper composting techniques. And also bread.

          2. popelizbet +9

            If you make this work my long standing good opinion of you will only increase. And it is still BHM.

          5. Unreadaethel +11

            It really should. I parsed “BHM” as belonging to the previous clause about your opinion of me, and couldn’t figure out what the acronym meant in terms of internet-buddy-approval.

            Looking at the chapter summaries is actually helping me articulate my planned message of “work for positive social change needs to accompany evangelism, to create as fertile a soil as possible for any good news,” but I’m not sure how I’d work the novel specifically into a 10-15 minute homily without it seeming like awkward shoehorning.

          6. FeuerroteZora +11

            How about “Let us consider the Parable of the Sower – no, not the brilliant Octavia Butler novel that everyone should read, ha ha, no, the other one.”

            Oh yes, I am *known* for my smooth transitions.

          7. Unreadaethel +5

            I’ll probably just mention this conversation during dinner afterwards, as the conversation will no doubt turn to social justice and the most effective way to create widespread change. I mean, it would do that anyway, but now I’ll mention Octavia Butler.

    2. beachlass +5

      I was hoping to at least get the liturgy done today and look up Sunday’s readings, but tomorrow is another day.

          1. Unreadaethel +5

            The Epistle for this evening commands us not to allow sexually immoral people to hang out with us, so I’m just going to ignore that completely. Because um, Paul, yeah, you need to stop that.

          2. Unreadaethel +10

            UPDATE: I basically preached that if we expect to change any hearts and minds, and/or bring the good news of salvation to all people, we have to enrich the soil of humanity with the rich compost of social justice to create a garden worthy of God’s word. I also only typed up 350 of my actual ~1,000 words, and a large part was just winging it based on previous cogitation. Afterwards, our organist told me I’m very good at speaking without constantly referring to my notes, lol. But yeah.

    5. smiavs +12

      “Oh fuck, this reminds me that I have a sermon to write.” Might be the first time that particular phrase has ever been used.

        1. sorrycassandra +10

          So my church caught on fire last week and even though I saw the windows broken and smoke pouring out and firefighters everywhere I couldn’t quite take it in, and when I talked to someone at work and they were like “yup, church is on fire, been on fire all morning, that church right over there,” I was all

          HOLY FUCK THAT’S MY CHURCH

          and the wording was for some reason greeted with surprise, but seriously, have they never met a potty-mouthed church lady before??? This is 2016!

          1. Unreadaethel +8

            Our associate rector told us, in a sermon, that her husband refers to her as his “potty-mouth priestess.” While this is charming, I sort of wish I didn’t know it.

            Also, I said “motherfucker” really loudly in the parish hall once (I wasn’t yelling or anything, I just have a big voice), and a church lady and the former associate rector overheard me and quietly moved a few feet away. It was awkward as shit.

          3. sorrycassandra +2

            I
            ​ was all, “Yes, I did just say that, and I have a tattoo of my favorite hymn, so there.”

            Thanks for the sympathy–it’s still pretty devastating. We don’t even know the extent of the damage because the structure is so unsafe. 🙁 We’re going to come back from this, but right now, the grief and loss are pretty overwhelming.​

          4. Unreadaethel +3

            Do you have a temporary worship location while you sort out the damage? I’ll keep you in my prayers.

          5. sorrycassandra +2

            Thank you for the prayers and thoughts–yes, we have a temporary worship location with a congregation on the other side of town that is looking at shutting down, they’re so tiny. :/ The pastor there told us she’d been praying for the pews to be filled, but didn’t want it to happen like that…

            We also have a lot of ministries that are really specific to the neighborhood where the church is located, and we didn’t want to move those to the other side of town, but the Theologically Very Different church a couple blocks away has welcomed us enthusiastically to their space. So! Ecumenical!

            We’re still sorting out the damage and will be for a long-ass time yet, but we’re still in this.

          6. Unreadaethel +3

            Hooray for ecumenism? I hope this tragic situation has a silver lining for both of your churches, then.

          7. sorrycassandra +3

            I mean, there are a lot of things on which we disagree with the nice people down the street, but we can both agree that feeding people who need food is something we were kind of explicitly told to do.

          8. Unreadaethel +2

            You have to start somewhere, and starting with feeding the masses before working your way up to theology is probably the best way to do it.

  15. walrathem +21

    I really think the who stylite fad thing is just so very, very *odd*. I’m not sure where it came from or how it stopped being popular I mean, I get the history part of it but psychologically I don’t see how it caught on.

    From the Wikipedia: “There seems no reason to doubt that it was the ascetic spirit manifested in such examples as these which spurred men on to devise new and more ingenious forms of self-mortification.”– Yeah, I think that it wasn’t the ascetic spirit I think YouTube hadn’t been invented yet so they couldn’t film themselves doing crazy stunts.

      1. walrathem +6

        What a great photo! And what a pretty kitty!

        I was kinda a stylite in high school! When stressed I liked to sit on top of walls and things. Apparently my monkey brain association of height = safety didn’t get sifted out in the evolving.

        1. msbias +8

          Oh, my partner is like that! I once came out into my parents’ garden to find that my dad had left the stepladder out and my girlfriend had absent-mindedly climbed it and was stood at the top reading her book.

          Desperately hoping that the toddler does not inherit this tendency.

          1. walrathem +3

            Well, neither of my parents were like that as children according to them. And it shows up pretty much as soon as the kid starts moving around on its own. Thankfully my parents had already bolted the furniture to the wall because of earthquakes so when I tried to climb the bookcases it was relatively safe. Good luck!

  16. nopemobile +61

    what do I need two clothes for

    Thank you, Mallory, for the mental picture of a bunch of monks running around the desert naked every laundry day. I shall treasure it always.

  17. alula_auburn +48

    “the greatest prayer of all is shutting up.”

    Honestly sometimes I totally am onboard with this.

    Although I believe I learned via a previous Mallory post Anthony the Great had servants with him, and I still feel that surely a hermit who takes servants is not a hermit in whom one can have complete confidence.

    1. Tarragoner +23

      I have had a long-simmering desire to plan a Global Day of Shutting Up. No talking, no texting, no communication. Everybody stay home and shut up. I know this presents problems. Children will have a hard time. Maybe I should change it to Global Day of Not Expressing Your Opinions. You can still tell kids not to stick the fork in the outlet.

  18. twoburgers +55

    I very desperately need a sign/framed cross stitch that says “the greatest prayer of all is shutting up.”

    1. Unreadaethel +17

      I’m trying to decide which clergyperson of my acquaintance would most appreciate this cross stitch.

    2. threeforgirls +9

      OMG. I’m so tempted to do this and give it to my father, but his sensitivity to religious humor is changeable at best. ALAS.

  19. bird_internet +17

    For some reason the words “cenobitic” and “eremetic” have lodged themselves into my vocabulary. I’ve never had a reason to use either, and this is probably the closest I’ll ever get.

    1. freshwaterpearl +18

      I used “eremitic” once and I was so proud of myself that now I never need to use it again.

  20. ChloeKEvil +29

    None of these guys had a patch on St. Mary of Egypt, whose life story was the first place I learned the word ‘fornication’ from.

    1. ChloeKEvil +32

      I guess mostly they didn’t have a patch on her because she spent like fifty years in the desert buck naked.

    2. Bint Alshamsa +8

      St. Mary of Egypt is my Matron Saint! I love telling people that my Matron Saint was a sex worker.

  21. sueyres +26

    I’m not saying there’s a direct link between climate and temperament, but once you visit any desert it becomes exceedingly clear why all the Abrahamic religions began in a sweltering, dusty moonscape.

    1. Kiwiace +26

      “When you look at the planet from low orbit, the impact of the Himalayas on Earth’s climate seems obvious. It creates the rain shadow to beat all rain shadows, standing athwart the latitude of the trade winds and squeezing all the rain out of them before they head southwest… parching not only the Gobi to the immediate north, but also everything to the southwest, including Pakistan and Iran, Mesopotamia, Saudi Arabia, even North Africa and southern Europe. The dry belt runs more than halfway across the Eurasia-African landmass — a burnt rock landscape, home to the fiery religions that then spread out and torched the rest of the world. Coincidence?”

      – Kim Stanley Robinson, 2312

  23. gclouts +22

    “TWO cloaks?
    what am I
    the emperor??
    i’ve only got one body and one God
    what do I need two clothes for”

    This might be the funniest thing I have ever read

  25. cleoreads +12

    I once had the privilege of driving famous monk and big fan of the Desert Fathers, Fr Thomas Keating around for the afternoon when he was in town (I got a little lost but he was very gracious about it).

    I proudly told him that my centering prayer group was reading a book about the wisdom sayings of the desert fathers and mothers. He asked me why we chose that and what we were getting out of it, and I was like, umm…..idk?

    I get that the wisdom sayings are like zen koans and I have the same problem with those too – I’m too literal to get the spiritual message.

  26. l'inconnue +11

    This is amazing and beautiful and Bede is either laughing his head off or spinning in his grave, possibly both, along with a large number of fellow western hagiographers.

    Will there be a Desert Mothers edition?