By Andrew Palmer and Brian Platzer

Andrew Palmer and Brian Platzer wonder what life would be like if they were muscular. Their work has appeared in The New Yorker, Salon, Slate, and elsewhere. Follow them on Twitter @ifiwerebuilt.

  1. If I were built, I'd own guns. I'd be a hunter. I'd own a partially wooded acreage in the country. The woods would be full of animals and I'd shoot them, I'd shoot those animals with my guns for pleasure. Deer, raccoon, owl—you name it. I'd shoot anything that moved on my partially wooded acreage. If I were built, my partially wooded acreage would be a place of great tranquility. The woods would be a…