Friend of the Toast Sara Cantor (she's single, ladies) just guest starred in her first-ever music video, describing it to me thusly: a "disco witch sex coven commits femme-on-femme glitter bondage." Reader, I watched it.

This is the story of how an awkward, funny-looking teenager became an awkward (funny-looking but working it) woman who loves make-up, nail art and all things sparkly. Now, darlings, when I say I was awkward, I feel like you don't yet understand the severity of the situation. Please see conclusive evidence below:

Is that clearer now? May I direct your attention to the glasses which covered approximately 99% of my face?

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