Previously in Dead Pet Chronicles: Aristotle the Turtle. “Are fish supposed to look like this?” My two roommates appeared by my side, our faces almost touching as we peered into the tank, so close our breath fogged the plastic. The three of us peered into the one-gallon tank on my dresser, full of neon pink rocks, a fake plant, a gray plastic castle, and a purple-maroon Betta, our beloved Wanda, the mascot of…

This week I went out for dinner with my family to celebrate my brother-in-law's birthday and was served an entire fish. Afterwards, I took a small piece of pasta, stuck it in the fish's mouth like it was smoking a cigar, and moved the fish's dead jaws up and down while doing a fair-to-middling impression of Edward G. Robinson.