Gabriella Paiella's previous work for The Toast can be found here. I had a nice childhood. I didn’t want for much, save for three things that my parents refused to budge on. They were, ordered by the magnitude of associated tantrums that I threw: 1. an Easy-Bake Oven 2. an American Girl Doll 3. a movie ticket to Spice World I eventually came to understand that my first two white whales were just exorbitantly…

A camera panning over a lush, green California landscape paired with a saccharine female commercial voiceover: I was certain we were heading somewhere similar to Hidden Valley, the mythical birthplace of ranch dressing, when this ad started to play. About fifteen seconds in, I was horrified to find that the voice belonged to the Sun-Maid Raisins Girl -- but not the radiant version I had grown up with. This woman was creepy and

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