Gabrielle Union opened her eyes, having trained herself to wake the instant the sun crept over the horizon. She stretched across her linen-wrapped divan and looked over at Marcus Aurelius, who had returned from the dead in order to read to her while she ate breakfast. "You're sure you don't mind?" she had asked when he appeared carrying her perfectly poached eggs and six roasted asparagus spears last March. "Please," he said, raising his hand…

There are times I feel very sure that if I were to let a copy of Bring It On rest against a copy of But I'm A Cheerleader, some sort of lesbian osmosis will take place and I will be able to watch a version of this movie where Missy and Torrance make out in the last scene. That is how close Bring It On's subtext comes to text. (An aside: did you know that there are four…

Strategic use of scenes beginning with a whispered "I will not cry" and ending with crying: A Strategic use of professional yet whimsical blazers: B+ Strategic use of throwing that cheating bastard out of your house: A+ (extra credit for strategic use of garden hose) Strategic use of more crying in front of the TV: A Strategic use of a busy business woman drinking from an enormous glass of red wine in a cavernous, empty…