The strong woman did a bunch of roundhouse flips across the bar and kicked me right in the face. "That's what I think of you," she said, kicking me a bunch more. "Sexually, you're real indiscriminate, which I don't respect, and your code of honor is just balls." Then she shook my hand. "I guess we have to be teammates." "I guess we do," I said, then checked out her body, because even though I'm…

I trust I have made no secret of my love for sword-and-sandal flicks. They are my lodestar and my true north. So if you want to know how I felt when I heard that this year would contain not one movie about Hercules in 3D but two -- just think about how Marge Simpson feels about parades. It brought out so many emotions in me: joy, excitement, looking...

Last night, I saw another campy gladiator movie. There was a real missed opportunity inasmuch as no character ever uttered the line "Sometimes, I really gladi-hate you." Last night, I had a dream, and in my dream I wrote a teen comedy set in a gladiatorial school. There was a surly North African gladiator one day away from freedom, a Spaniard with a murdered family, a one-handed Celt with something to prove, a female…