I trust I have made no secret of my love for sword-and-sandal flicks. They are my lodestar and my true north. So if you want to know how I felt when I heard that this year would contain not one movie about Hercules in 3D but two – just think about how Marge Simpson feels about parades. It brought out so many emotions in me: joy, excitement, looking…
This has everything a Hercules movie should have (no disrespect to the Kellan Lutz adaptation, which had a scene where Hercules was fighting all the bad guys and there was a storm and Zeus struck his sword with lightning and it turned into a lightning whip-sword and he whip-sworded all the bad guys with God’s electricity, so I have absolutely zero complaints to make there). What the people want in a Hercules is just the straight-up Twelve Labors, no fillers, with the exception maybe of the Aegean Stables. And if you can’t fit in all twelve, we want the Hydra and the Nemean Lion. We want a ripped dude wearing a lion for a hat fighting a dragon with a million heads, preferably outside of a cave, and we want it to rule.
Lion hat? Check. Those weird leather wrist cuffs Kevin Sorbo wore on the television series? Check. Dragon with a bunch of heads on it? Check. THE ROCK? DOUBLE CHECK. I want to see a Men’s Health cover sometime in the next six months with a HERCULES WORKOUT on the cover, and I can almost guarantee that this will happen, because we live in a good world that takes care of us.
Tags: gifts from the earth, gladiator movies, hercules, movies, the rock
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Ominous soundtrack that sounds like flatulent dragon: TRIPLE CHECK.
The Assolation of Smaug.
It sounds like Pharmakon!! aka Margaret Chardiet, which HOLY SHIT would be the best. I think it’s a remix of “Crawling On Bruised Knees”.
That photo made me think Dave Grohl was in it.
what if I say I’m not like the others
what if I say I’m not just another one of your plays
you’re the pretender
what if I say I will never surrender
Someone should make that version, so that my husband (who is secretly in love with Dave Grohl) can drag me to see it as payback for me inevitably dragging him to see this one.
oh good catch that was doing my head in
“Aegean Stables”
Augean, though. But I share your desire not to see them depicted in film, because: gross.
ehhh whatevs
I really want to know how many pancakes The Rock ate during the filming of this movie. I bet it was a lot.
One of the updated Twelve Labors. Eat a stack of pancakes worthy of a Rock cheat day.
THE ROCK. I AM HERE FOR THE ROCK.
(what i say every time i walk into a room)
I AM SMELLING WHAT HE IS COOKING. AND WHAT HE IS COOKING IS AWESOMESAUCE.
COULD ALSO BE PANCAKES.
I think my love for him has grown every year I’ve been alive. His performances in the Fast and Furious films were magnificent.
Mallory, I came across this on my Tumblr yesterday and instantly thought of you. It looks AMAZING, and I can’t wait for it to come out so we can all talk about it.
The fact that it’s the MOTHERFUCKING ROCK playing Hercules is what made this film go from “meh, another greek/roman myth film” to “OMG I HAVE TO SEE THAT.”
Hercules workout = 12 reps each of the 12 labors, to be performed daily for 12 months.
The Rock Hercules workout
It’s not officially endorsed, and it could use a Men’s Health cover-style photo, but perhaps it will tide you over until the real thing appears.
(There’s also this almost completely different workout that is presumably based on the same tweets, but it has fewer pictures of The Rock.)
Dude packs a lot of work into one hour of lifting. Damn.
Maybe! The workout was apparently pieced together from tweets and instagram photos, so I wouldn’t swear by its accuracy.
In hindsight, it would be a little more sensible if what was listed is essentially a menu that he picks from for a workout in any given week.. so maybe he does like, half of what is listed on a given day.
I kind of enjoy the idea of him flitting around the weight room like the World’s Largest Hummingbird, knocking out 20 reps of dumbbell flies in quick succession before he sprints over to do some cable flies.
bzzzzzz
bzzzzzzz
I’m Dwayne Johnson, the World’s Largest Hummingbird ™.
Awwww yeeeaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Whyyyyy isn’t it summer yet so I can go see this.
I think I just wet my pants.
Yes. yes. yes. yes.
YES.
I need to sign all of my work emails with that picture, btw.
Has anyone here seen The Scorpion King, the ur-Rock vehicle? It definitely puts the “cheese” in “cheesecake”–but also the “cake.” It’s really good, okay?
(Supporting testimony from Matthew Bird:One of the reasons why prequels always suck is because we know how they have to end, right? But that’s what I love most of all about this movie! This was supposed to tell the story of how the Rock became the titular monster who had menaced Brandan Fraser in The Mummy 2. But then, at the end of this movie, the Rock avoids that curse! Even [heroine Kelly] Hu is shocked. She reminds him that he’s destined to end up cursed, but he just cocks his trademark smirk and assures her: “Then let’s make our own destiny.” What a great testimony to free will! The hero not only triumphs over fate, he triumphs over continuity itself!)
OMG, I might have to watch that movie now that I know that the Rock can triumph over continuity.
It actually apparently turns out that guy was the Mummy’s Scorpion King’s grandfather or something.
I am not ashamed to say I own that movie.
I saw it in a drive-in at the age of 15 and I think it irrevocably altered my sexual preferences.
So here was the thing about the last (I think) Fast and Furious movie. You have Paul Walker, who you look at and think, that’s a ripped dude. And then he stands next to Vin Diesel, and you think, oh, Paul, you’re just like fit or whatever, Vin is an actually ripped dude. And then they stand next to The Rock and you think, every man I have ever seen or known is a tiny boy, including these two, and only the Rock is well and truly Ripped, now and forever.
I really enjoyed the idea of the last two Fast and Furious movies just because they have Vin Diesel and the Rock and all I can think is “biracial muscle man lovefest time.” Because, you know, that’s what it should be.
[I haven’t seen the most recent one but I really want to!]
You should see it! There is a lot of them getting up and angsty in each other’s faces. There is Tension. All laws of physics are ignored. It is beautiful.
6Fast6Furious was probably my favorite movie of this summer, with the exception of the unimpeachable White House Down.
Horrifyingly, I did not see White House Down, but between 6F6F6 and Pacific Rim and Much Ado About Nothing I had a completely amazing Summer 2013 At The Movies.
I may or may not have started a fanfic involving their two characters after FF5, which was The Rock’s first appearance. *cough*
Unless that’s not the kind of lovefest you meant in which case NOTHING TO SEE MOVE ALONG
I haven’t seen any of these movies, but I have the kind of love only a geek girl can have for a gorgeous ripped guy who admits to playing WoW for Vin, so I cannot explain to myself WHY I have not seen these movies.
Now that I know the Rock is in some of them? *grabby hands*
FUCK YES THE MOTHERFUCKING ROCK. LOOK AT THIS SEXY BITCH AND HIS GODDAMN MUSCLES. LOOK AT HIS EYEBROW. LOOK. AT. THE. PEOPLE’S. EYEBROW.
THIS CHISELED GOD WILL LIFT YOU UP LIKE A FEATHER AND THEN KNEEL DOWN TO KISS YOUR FEET LIKE THE FUCKING FAIRYTALE GODDESS-QUEEN YOU ARE. AND THEN HE’S GOING TO SLATHER YOU IN CHOCOLATE AND EAT YOU FROM THE INSIDE OUT LIKE A DELICIOUS FUCKING PANCAKE.
I- I’m sorry, I saw The Rock and I think I faded out there for a couple of minutes
Something was speaking through you, like unto the Oracle of Delphi.
or the Oracle of Deltoids
wink
I’m just gonna put this here and see what you do with it.
oh, oh God, I can’t even concentrate. Devour me like one of your epic cheat meals, you glistening god.
this comment gave me my LIFE and an attack of the giggles, you magnificent creature!
Missed opportunity: the Rock did not bust his way into the MGM logo and throttle the lion with his bare hands.
I trust this will be corrected in the final cut.
That oversight right there should get someone at MGM fired.
Guys, I am SO excited for this movie and so sad that I have to wait until JULY for it that late last night I started watching this documentary on The Rock’s time in WWE despite having zero interest in pro wrestling simply because there is so little The Rock available on Netflix Watch Now and I needed to see him. It was either that or just watch the trailer over and over again.
“Those weird leather wrist cuffs Kevin Sorbo wore on the television series?”
Those are called leather wrist bracers, and they’re usually for archery.
Also, we should get a goddamn Xena movie sometime.
WHERE IS THE XENA MOVIE
I WANT IT
The closest we ever got was that terrifying but awesome animated one that had Kevin Sorbo AND Lucy Lawless
OMG I HAVEN’T EVEN HEARD OF THAT!!
FEAST YOUR EYES
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0119283/
It’s beautiful.
This movie needs to be a success and then there needs to be a sequel where Hercules has to save the world by wrestling Thor somewhere muddy.
SOMEONE GET A PRODUCER ON THE PHONE
There is an intense training sequence where they do pushups in a river, and then yell in the rain.
Jello wrestling? Mud wrestling? Wrestling in the water in slow-motion while wearing white tshirts? I’m not saying we have to pick just one…
WE’LL MAKE IT A TRILOGY. QUADRILOGY.
CO-SIGNED.
Muddy? How about rolling in the surf?
God I hope this comes to the Netherlands and somewhere around the correct time. I want a couple of Grolsch and this.
Well of course there is another one. Those sets are a bitch to build. Use ’em or lose ’em. The first time it rains you’ve got nothing but plaster-mud up to the highest strap of your strappiest gladiator sandal.
Has someone made a website/magazine/ regular column about movie/tv/other media workouts? My only contribution right now is a Pepper-Potts-from-Iron-Man-3 workout (end goal: be able to do a pull-up to save yourself from certain death off of a precipice + dem abs), but I’m sure I could come up with others.
Not only is is Hercules, BUT AM I WRONG OR DOES IS SOUND LIKE PHARMAKON WROTE THAT SOUNDTRACK
NOISE LOVERS HELP ME OUT, I’LL FREAK IF IT’S TRUE
Can we please get a Hercules movie with a flashback of baby Hercules fucking up some snakes in his crib?? Come on!
I honestly did not know the Rock could have hair. Or a wig. I thought it would just evaporate if it touched his head.
Based on his tweets (that he was kind of in hiding while filming this due to hair…. somehow being a dead giveaway…? I don’t know) I think it’s his own hair.
As a card-carrying classicist I AM SUUUUUUUUUUPER PUMPED FOR THIS MOVIE!
I, too, give it the Classicist Seal Of Approval. IN fact I think that picture should BE the CSoA.
I’m in a cafe and I look like a weirdo trying to stifle my laughter at this ridiculous trailer I love it. Must create drinking game and sneak in beer to the theater.