I'm Anthony Bourdain. I wear a leather jacket on my heart and I have cigar eyes. I've done a lot of drugs, so you can trust me. I'm your Food Man. I once used Courtney Love as a board to windsurf down to Baja to satisfy a craving for these perfect little fish tacos they sell on the beach outside of Rosarito. Join me next week on No Reservations as I slip through the wardrobe to…

Previously in this series: How to tell if you are in a Muriel Spark novel. You have no legs and your name is alliterative. Your father and mother have died at least once in the last year. Your only friend is a prostitute with a terrible wracking cough, and you have never had anything to eat even once. You are a thinly veiled caricature of Hans Christian Andersen. Someone you have always believed…

Previously in this series: How to tell if you're in a Hemingway novel.

There's a woman in the room that you trust about as far as you'd trust a snake. But like all snakes, she can be charmed. Someone's been shot with a gun. You're not sure who did it, but you're pretty sure that whoever it was had a gun with them. You're just drunk enough to tell the truth, and she's…