I’m Anthony Bourdain. I wear a leather jacket on my heart and I have cigar eyes. I’ve done a lot of drugs, so you can trust me. I’m your Food Man.
I once used Courtney Love as a board to windsurf down to Baja to satisfy a craving for these perfect little fish tacos they sell on the beach outside of Rosarito.
Join me next week on No Reservations as I slip through the wardrobe to Narnia unnoticed and eat Mr. Tumnus. Does the man half taste different from the Faun half? I’ll find out.
I’d describe my fashion sense as “the saddest wizard in the world.” I wear a big watch on my arm, because I’m the Time Man. I don’t smile.
I’m tall Man with many hairs. Nothing good enough for me, I have many hairs on my head, as Man.
I’ve made balut with the ducklings from Make Way For The Ducklings. It was an experience, although I can’t say it blew my socks off or anything.
I was once publicly flogged in Singapore for refusing to fasten the top three buttons of my shirt. I’d do it again.
Hunting humans for sport? I’ve tried it. Sure. But I still won’t eat at Chili’s.
My eyes are sleepy, but my heart’s awake, and it hates you.
I only eat in war zones, or if a tsunami is visible on the horizon. Otherwise? I don’t eat. It’s boring.
I’m not afraid to use swears. I’m not afraid of anything, except for covering up my neck and the top of my chest.
I tattoos. I Tattoo Man. Tall and strong Tattoo Man, with many hairs, from Man. I eat testicles right off of live bulls in a field, no sauce no napkin hands. I eat food that’s no good because I’m tall, strong also tall.
I don’t like anybody. Put another leather jacket on me.
Sex? Hoo, buddy, I’ve had some of it with women all of the place.
[straddle-sits on backwards-facing chair]
I once raised Sid Vicious back from the dead just to get him to eat Hákarl with me.
When I was a lad, I ate four dozen eggs every morning to help me get large. Now that I’m grown, I eat five dozen eggs, and I’m roughly the size of a barge. Stop thinking, LeFou. That’s a dangerous pastime. I know.
I’ll go to jail for any crime. I don’t care.
“The Very Hungry Caterpillar”? That’s bullshit. I’ve been hungrier than that, and I’m not even a bug, I’m a man. I’m Anthony Bourdain. I would eat a very famous horse, like Seabiscuit or Aslan. I only eat the appendix of poisonous snakes, nothing else, not potato chips, very boring. I eat cocaine, no big problem.
Tags: anthony bourdain, cooking, food, loving parodies, men, the macho chef, travel
That is excellent A.B.B.A.B.
A single tear just rolled down my face because I am trying so. hard. not to laugh out loud in my office.
SAME
I make no reservations. I sit wherever, whenever. Table for two. Me and my leather jacket.
Let no reservation interrupt the sanctity of the union between a man and his leather jacket.
I patiently wait in line.
I humbly submit this profile of his wife, Ottavia Busia, as a counterpart to this letter. Both pieces left me feeling like I was covered with a layer of beef fat.
Behind every good man is a strong woman, and behind Anthony Bourdain is a woman so strong that — if she put down her three stacks of hamburger patties, five cartons of canned meat, and wheel of Cambozola — she could crush him with her pinky finger.
GOOD GOD
“I follow a very low-carb diet — no pasta, no bread, no sweets, and no fruit”
I am not joking when I say that this is the polar inverse of my own diet (she says, polishing off some Easter candy after finishing a banana and some pasta).
“On the airplane, I eat a little cheese. I start watching Roman Polanski’s Carnage, but quickly switch to the totally awesome 21 Jump Street. “
I can totally get behind this, though.
Yep those are pretty much the only things I eat. Plus cheese.
This woman sounds like the opposite of me constitutionally, spiritually, and dietetically.
Which is as it should be, because I don’t think I could stand to be anywhere near Anthony Bourdain for any length of time whatsoever.
Oh, my god, she has a *favorite* canned meat. I am impressed.
As (accurately) described by Julie Klausner, the theme song of No Reservations is performed by a talking horse. I presume that Anthony Bourdain eventually ate that horse.
my only exposure to Anthony and Ottavia is through Julie Klausner, and for that I AM GRATEFUL.
I still re-read her Hairpin F/M/K column on Bourdain every couple of months–I don’t think I’ve ever agreed with anything more heartily.
The perfect, crystalline Tony Bourdain: “Hunting humans for sport? I’ve tried it. Sure. But I still won’t eat at Chili’s.”
“When I was a lad, I ate four dozen eggs every morning to help me get large. Now that I’m grown, I eat five dozen eggs, and I’m roughly the size of a barge. Stop thinking, LeFou. That’s a dangerous pastime. I know.”
YESSSSS Anthony Bourdain as Gaston is BRILLIANT. You captured his essence so, so well.
Also “a very famous horse like Seabiscuit or Aslan” ahahahaha
As a child I could never understand what was so wrong w Gaston! For French providential life he seemed to have all of his ish together.
Is “Gaston” the most underrated Disney song of all time? Clearly.
Also, did anyone else who watched “True Detective” keep humming, “I use antlers in all of my DEEEECorating!”?
Just me?
I’M ESPECIALLY GOOD AT EX-PEC-TOR-A-TING!
I USE ANTLERS IN ALL OF MY DEEEECORATING
MY WHAT A GUY THAT BOURDAIN
I AM DYING.
“I would eat a very famous horse, like Seabiscuit or Aslan.” crying with laughter
“I’ve done a lot of drugs, so you can trust me.”
Ain’t that the truth though.
Would still hit it.
I’d feel greasy and ashamed afterwards, but … yeah.
YES, he is such an asshole & I loved this, but he can get it.
Between him and the character of Greg House, I can’t really explain my love for grizzled macho Jersey assholes. I think that’s just how it goes here.
Co-signed
I think I am attracted to him because I actually want to BE him.
I’d hit that so hard you’d need a back hoe to dig it out again.
I refuse to believe Anthony Bourdain would write a letter. Unless, perhaps, he dictated it to a child scribe, who he then ate.
This is not a letter, this is a transcription of his morning mirror mantras.
I lost it when I got to LeFou. No one’s neck’s as incredibly thick as Bourdain’s!
These are all good points, and yet my horrible crush on this man remains.
SOLIDARITY!
Whoo!
Also, he’s not completely clueless when it comes to gender and class in the food world, so yeah.
*Hides in the shadows to admire from afar*
*Also checks out Ottavia, considers MMA*
The perfect fish tacos are outside Ensenada, in a tiny place with no sign, no visible building, you enter through a wormhole between dimensions. They don’t take credit cards; you pay with blood
oh man i thought this was a real recommendation im ashamed at how far into that I was nodding my head
The best ones really are in Ensenada, but I have reliable sources who say the fish tacos in San Diego are pretty good too
True Story: I saw him speak on tour a couple years ago.
He’s TALL, even if you are in row 22.
He was very gracious to a drunk man who incoherently rambled on during Q&A.
He confessed to loving KFC.
He loves his daughter and gushed over her as any new dad would.
He mentioned that he’s terrified of pissing off his wife.
My love for him continues to flourish. <queue Celine Dion>
The list was hilarious enough, the comments are causing me to cackle (not silently enough!) in my office. (It’s okay, my work colleagues all think I’m insane already. Never hurts to reinforce that belief.)
I’m rupturing with repressed laughter about making balut from Jack, Kack, Lack, Mack, Nack, Ouack, Pack, and Quack.
Isn’t balut made with unhatched eggs, though? Would the ducklings’ mother name her unborn children? Must look up balut recipe. No, on second thought, must not.
Join me next week on No Reservations as I slip through the wardrobe to Narnia unnoticed and eat Mr. Tumnus. Does the man half taste different from the Faun half? I’ll find out.
Someone has written that. Not the part where Anthony Bourdain eats Mr. Tumnus, but the part where Anthony Bourdain goes to Narnia for an episode of No Reservations. It was glorious.
oh my gosh, that is wonderful! So lovingly crafted.
This is what the internet is FOR.
I write separately to concur. This is wonderfully well written.
Ahhh so good. Reminds me of this! http://lky.ph/post/49514799371/the-last-in-our-li… (MARK BITTMAN)
My favorite tangental-to-Bourdain story is that his Romania episode was notoriously shitty and my Romanian friends told me all about it while I was there and eating the really nice food that somehow he’d failed to find. Mostly because he had a Russian lead him around Romania which is a shitty idea because not only do the Romanians dislike the Russians, no one speaks it as they had their own communist dictator. I had fun there thinking about what a dumbass he was.
“My eyes are sleepy, but my heart’s awake, and it hates you.”
annnnnd I’m dead.
Malloryyyy it’s called “A.C. Slatering”
Urbandictionary would have you believe it’s a very specific context but no, it’s general in nature
Malloryyyy it's called "A.C. Slatering"
Urbandictionary would have you believe it's a very specific context but no, it's general in nature
Is "Gaston" the most underrated Disney song of all time? Clearly.
Also, did anyone else who watched "True Detective" keep humming, "I use antlers in all of my DEEEECorating!"?
Just me?
“aslan”
Tom Waits would enjoy your writing. I can’t stop my compulsive comment praise. Helps me.?