Your father comes outside only to tell you that the orchard has closed. He finds you in the backyard, drifting through the pool on a half-deflated float and finally finishing Franny and Zooey. There is little else to do when you come home to visit your parents; it’s also probably time for you to return the waterlogged paperback to your friend, as she sent it to you in the mail two years ago. You have…

“Beach read” is right up there with "guilty pleasure" on the list of book-related phrases I wrinkle my nose at. Partly because I live in Kansas, where beaches are absent; partly because, in my experience, the concept is gendered: men don't have to wait for warm weather to mainline mass-market thrillers, but women are often assumed to spend the rest of the year on sad historicals and "I did a thing for a year" memoirs. You…

1. Misshapen $9.95 blouse from H&M purchased without trying on and incapable of entertaining more than one breast at a time 2. Set of faded beach towels with name labels sewn in from summer camp featuring a) butterflies b) dolphins c) sunset or d) all of the above 3. Inner thigh friction and other jort-related injuries, including but not limited to severe camel toe requiring gynecological intervention…