Texts From The Lorax -The Toast

Texts From The Lorax

ByDaniel Mallory Ortberg

on September 23, 2013 in Texts From

Previous entries in the series can be found here.

THAT’S COMPOSTABLE YOU KNOW
I’m sorry?
POST-IT NOTES ARE ACTUALLY COMPOSTABLE
SO YOU SHOULDN’T THROW THEM OUT
Who is this?
I AM THE LORAX
the what
I SPEAK FOR THE TREES
okay well
thanks for the advice

DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN ALSO COMPOST YOUR OWN HAIR
I didn’t know that
YOU CAN
SO ARE YOU GOING TO TAKE THOSE POST-ITS OUT OF THE TRASH THEN

DID YOU GET THAT EMAIL I FORWARDED YOU
ABOUT THE DANGERS OF E-CIGARETTES
What email?
CHECK YOUR SPAM FOLDER
SOMETIMES MY EMAILS GET STUCK IN SPAM FOLDERS
I thought you spoke for the trees
I SPEAK FOR A LOT OF THINGS

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
HOW MANY TAMPONS THE AVERAGE WOMAN USES IN A YEAR
I’m in class right now
I can’t talk about tampons
TAMPONS CAN’T EVER TALK
THEY DON’T HAVE MOUTHS
THAT’S WHY I SPEAK FOR THEM
okay
ENOUGH TAMPONS TO MAKE A TRUFFULA TREE
THAT’S HOW MANY
HAVE YOU CONSIDERED THE DIVA CUP
That’s really personal, Lorax
NOTHING IS PERSONAL WHEN YOU SPEAK FOR THE TREES
and tampons?
AND ALSO TAMPONS AND SOMETIMES E-CIGARETTES YES
I’ll think about it
THERE’S ONE IN YOUR PURSE IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND
JUST IN CASE YOU NEED ONE TODAY
You put one in my purse?
You went through my purse?
OH YOU MEAN YOUR LEATHER PURSE
YOUR PURSE MADE OUT OF DEAD SKIN
this is too weird
I’m throwing it out
DON’T
don’t what?
DON’T REACH IN YOUR PURSE
Lorax if I reach in my purse what will I find in there
DID YOU KNOW THAT YOU CAN MAKE YOUR OWN SOAP OUT OF DISCARDED COCA COLA SYRUP
WHICH MOST RESTAURANTS WILL GIVE TO YOU FOR FREE IF YOU ASK NICELY
Lorax are you in my purse right now
YES
Why
I FELL ASLEEP WHEN I WAS PUTTING THE DIVA CUP IN THERE
YOUR PURSE IS REALLY SOFT
oh wow
are you okay?
NOT REALLY
LEATHER IS REALLY SOFT
I DIDN’T REALIZE HOW SOFT IT IS
I’m sorry I made you touch leather
SOMETIMES I GET SLEEPY SPEAKING FOR THINGS
IT WAS JUST SO SOFT AND I WAS SO SLEEPY
Do you want me to let you stay in the purse for the rest of the day
YES PLEASE
I WOULD LIKE THAT VERY MUCH
Okay
CAN WE PLANT A TREE LATER THOUGH
I MEAN IF YOU HAVE TIME
JUST ONE TREE ON THE WAY HOME
Maybe
OKAY
BECAUSE I THINK MAYBE SOME OF MY FRIENDS WILL COME BACK
IF WE DO THAT
Maybe they will
I JUST HOPE SOME OF MY FRIENDS COME BACK
I know
YOU’RE MY FRIEND NOW TOO THOUGH
I know
SO I GUESS IT’S WORKING ALREADY
I guess so
MUST BE ALL THOSE POST ITS WE COMPOSTED THIS MORNING
Go back to sleep
OKAY THANK YOU

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.

Comments (41)

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+39 Vote up Vote down

icebergmama 113p · 600 weeks ago

IT WAS JUST SO SOFT AND I WAS SO SLEEPY

I feel you, Lorax. Where can I find a purse big enough to sleep in?

2 replies · active 600 weeks ago

+16 Vote up Vote down

I smell bread. 81p · 600 weeks ago

Pssst... it's called "under your desk"

+17 Vote up Vote down

jhsaxena 136p · 600 weeks ago

Are thneeds compostable?

+7 Vote up Vote down

lyetteann 112p · 600 weeks ago

FYI: The very first line made me laugh so loudly that I scared the cat.

+15 Vote up Vote down

meetapossum 110p · 600 weeks ago

Wait, CAN you compost your own hair? Doesn't it take forever to decompose? I'm calling bullshit, Lorax.

3 replies · active 600 weeks ago

+5 Vote up Vote down

I smell bread. 81p · 600 weeks ago

Definitely pet hair, according to an announcement posted in my building. I would imagine (???) that human hair's compostability would depend on the amount/kind of product stuck to it?

+10 Vote up Vote down

meetapossum 110p · 600 weeks ago

Possibly. I did some brief Googling, and it seems to depend on the environment. But I know the reason Victorian hair weaving and jewelry is still in good shape because hair decomposes so slowly to skin and organs (because it's already dead).

+11 Vote up Vote down

Abanthis 108p · 600 weeks ago

I think it's one of the things you're meant to put in the garden to drive badgers away.

+29 Vote up Vote down

anachronistique 115p · 600 weeks ago

I was laughing, and then I thought of a talking tampon and now I'm never sleeping again.

+5 Vote up Vote down

QuadsForDays 64p · 600 weeks ago

Composting draws in bugs. Lots of them. I live near a farm. So the bugs can stay at the farm, or they can come roll around in my compost bin.

So do I throw stuff away and not compost OR do I use bug spray?

You can't tell me neither. I'm doing one or the other.

12 replies · active 600 weeks ago

+26 Vote up Vote down

MalloryOrtberg 121p · 600 weeks ago

I do not compost, and I feel no shame. I have no desire to keep a bag of wet mystery smells in my home.

+25 Vote up Vote down

NicoleCliffe 145p · 600 weeks ago

Composting if you don't have a garden is pointless. If it'll decay in your compost, it'll decay in a landfill. Your eggshells are not contributing to pollution.

+31 Vote up Vote down

pedantic_oyster 89p · 600 weeks ago

Nooo this is not true. Organic matter in landfills tends to break down anaerobically into methane, while compost piles produce carbon dioxide. Methane is a much more potent greenhouse gas than CO2.

If you're OK with having hundreds of wriggly little pets living in your home, earthworm composting can be done indoors and isn't very smelly.

+55 Vote up Vote down

MalloryOrtberg 121p · 600 weeks ago

WHAT ON EARTH WOULD MAKE YOU THINK THAT I WOULD BE OK WITH THAT

+32 Vote up Vote down

NicoleCliffe 145p · 600 weeks ago

I would rather stop consuming organic matter altogether.

+26 Vote up Vote down

toomuchnick 107p · 600 weeks ago

It's OK Mallory, you already live with millions of microbe and bug friends! They are so small you can't see them, but they are on your furniture, clothing, and skin! Thank you for accommodating them.

+13 Vote up Vote down

MalloryOrtberg 121p · 600 weeks ago

I have no problem with that.

+31 Vote up Vote down

pedantic_oyster 89p · 600 weeks ago

Sometimes, when the worms become unhappy with the conditions inside the compost bin, they will crawl out of their bin in search of better environs, and when you come home from work you will find desiccated little corpses littering your floor.

/nothelping

+8 Vote up Vote down

LeastBittern 120p · 600 weeks ago

The oyster is correct about methane. I am less sure about the worm composting - seems equivalent to maintaining a sourdough culture, but you never get bread.

+12 Vote up Vote down

I smell bread. 81p · 600 weeks ago

You keep a tiny compost bin on your kitchen counter, like to put peels in while you're cooking. Then you take it to the outside bin when you're done so it isn't in the house long enough to attract bugs. And also you use... I don't know, soap? Boric acid? Essential oils? One of those, probably. To line the doorway/seams in the kitchen to keep the bugs at bay. (Or, you live in a building that does compost the same as they do trash and recycling, so you just have to walk it down the hall to the trash room!)

+4 Vote up Vote down

DancingNarwhal 58p · 600 weeks ago

Oh god I hated taking the trash out when I was a kid because the compost bin behind our apartment building always had maggots all over the inside of the lid ew ew ew ew.

+11 Vote up Vote down

DancingNarwhal 58p · 600 weeks ago

Also I heard you can put it in a bag and freeze it. And just add to the bag and when it's done compost the frozen block. See if there is a farmers market near you that takes the compost, than once a week you can go to the market and gift them your frozen block of filth

+8 Vote up Vote down

pete 111p · 600 weeks ago

I read this in a meeting. That was a poor choice because of the stifled guffaws and red face and the tears.

+29 Vote up Vote down

ayaggy 95p · 600 weeks ago

Thanks for letting the Lorax sleep in your purse, even though he's kind of passive-aggressive and needy. He's been under a lot of stress lately.

2 replies · active 600 weeks ago

+10 Vote up Vote down

mbculver 114p · 600 weeks ago

The passive-aggression and neediness really come through in the bold caps.

+12 Vote up Vote down

I smell bread. 81p · 600 weeks ago

Mallory I really loved this one! Especially since it is basically making fun of me. I am a Lorax, kind of. I can appreciate the humor in that.

+79 Vote up Vote down

figwiggin 114p · 600 weeks ago

I saw an e-cigarette store in a strip mall this weekend and it was called Just The Tip. That's all I have to share.

2 replies · active 600 weeks ago

+10 Vote up Vote down

TARDIStime 64p · 600 weeks ago

I just got the "sorry you've already voted on that comment" message. :(

+49 Vote up Vote down

hubbit 0p · 600 weeks ago

So, Compost-It Notes basically. :)

2 replies · active 600 weeks ago

+13 Vote up Vote down

icebergmama 113p · 600 weeks ago

A++ please make Compost-It Notes, all the hipster-hippies would buy them!

+6 Vote up Vote down

dakimel 122p · 600 weeks ago

Yeah, you need to patent that pronto. You're gonna be rich! Invest all your profits in Mallory's library so she can keep this series going as long as possible.

+34 Vote up Vote down

QueenElisatits 85p · 600 weeks ago

YOU’RE MY FRIEND NOW TOO THOUGH

This whole thing is really sweet and I love it.

2 replies · active 600 weeks ago

+17 Vote up Vote down

combledore 103p · 600 weeks ago

I know, right? Poor sleepy Lorax.

+9 Vote up Vote down

toomuchnick 107p · 600 weeks ago

Well, it's about time I made an Evernote folder titled "re-read when you need to have a good, healthy cry."

+7 Vote up Vote down

foiledthoughts 102p · 600 weeks ago

Ugh, the lorax movie (the real one, not the Taylor Swift/Zefron abomination) always made me cry. I could not handle the idea of Suessian urban sprawl eating up all that I loved/was beautiful.

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