Images by Matt Lubchansky, who makes comics and occasionally leaves his apartment in New York. His work includes Please Listen to Me and New Amsterdam Mystery Company. He’s on Twitter, and doesn’t expect you to get his name right.
Tags: artwork, horror, matt and mallory, matt lubchansky, nature
I WILL TRADE YOU A WINTER FOR AN AUTUMN RIGHT THIS INSTANT. AND I WILL EVEN THROW IN A SUMMER TO MAKE IT EVEN.
(My wife is allergic to nature. Mosquito bites swell to the size of golf balls. Early in our relationship, I took her to my parents’ farm and we went for a walk. She proceeded to get hives all over her legs. But we only walked through grass, I exclaimed, have you no parks in the city? Yes, but it’s country grass, not city grass, she explained.)
😀 😀 😀
Real talk, you guys: the eyes of potatoes make my skin crawl and my scalp feel all creepy. YOU THOUGHT YOU THWARTED US BY PICKING US AND PUTTING US IN A DARKENED BOX, BUT WE’RE GROWING. WE HAVE EYES, AND TENTACLES WILL START GROWING OUT OF THEM, IF YOU DON’T COOK AND CONSUME US SOON.
February 13, 2014: the day I publicly admitted my potato phobia.
(I love to eat them in all forms, however.)
That’s why you MUST eat them, so that they don’t outnumber you.
Allow me to point you toward my potato nightmare, a.k.a., three seconds from a Lovecraft story. It’s almost the most disgusting thing I’ve ever found in my pantry, and easily the scariest.
*tries to scream but no sound comes out *
http://www.newyorker.com/archive/1994/06/27/1994_…
Allow me to share with you this fine piece of fiction, Subsoil, by Nicholson Baker, who apparently dreams much as you do. It is collected in the short fiction book American Gothic Tales, should you want to burn a book today.
Now I feel bad for the trapped witches. :-/
They don’t feel bad for you.
They just feel for you, always and unceasingly, in the light and especially in the dark, feeling and fumbling and groping for you always, their hands stretching up and down and always a fraction of an inch closer.
You know how people sometimes joke, “Haha, that tree really jumped out at me!” when they run into a branch or something? They shouldn’t joke; they unknowingly stumbled upon a terrifying truth.
Oh my god, the garden gif.
Oh my god, this whole comic.
I love you guys. I love everything. Except nature, because it is the worst.
Arbor Day? More like modern-day Salem Everywhere Day!
Free the witches! Pull up all trees everywhere.
What in the name of frozen witch-claws is horrifying about a pizzagarden? I am going to take all these leftover pizza crusts and go plant them right now.
fuckin’ nature. I try to have as little to do with it as possible.
Finally I can say that 90% of my furniture is made of witch claws.
I am going to say that every day forevermore.
I’m telling you, in the future, people will not see any humor in this at all.
One time a dog I was dog-sitting came in from outside and projectile-vomited five times in a row. I still don't know what she ate. Fuck nature.
Every time someone tells me how "clean" my dog's mouth is, I tell him/her, "You wouldn't think so if you'd seen what my dog eats outside."
My new yard has a fig tree, and no joke – in winter there is no way anyone could mistake it for anything other than a very angry witch.
Creating an account because OH GOD someone has to supply the appropriate Rilke poem:
We are involved with flower, leaf, and fruit.
They speak not just the language of one year.
From darkness a bright phenomenon appears
and still reflects, perhaps, the jealous glint
of the dead, who fill the earth. How can we know
what part they play within the ancient cycle?
Long since, it has been their job to make the soil
vigorous with the force of their free marrow.
But have they done it willingly? we ask. . .
Does this fruit, formed by heavy slaves, push up
like a clenched fist, to threaten us, their masters?
Or in fact are they the masters, as they sleep
beside the roots and grant us, from their riches,
this hybrid Thing of speechless strength and kisses?
tl;dr dead people make your fruit and vegetables, and probably hate you.
PUSHES FOOD AT ME VERY SLOWLY
/dead
Now that we know the Truth About Trees, what about cacti? Especially giant, grasping, wonderful, terrible saguaros?
Now that we know the Truth About Trees, what about cacti? Especially giant, grasping, wonderful, terrible saguaros?