Look At Texts From Jane Eyre; Look At It Now -The Toast

Look At Texts From Jane Eyre; Look At It Now

ByDaniel Mallory Ortberg

on April 1, 2014 in Texts From

Here is friend of the Toast and literary person Rachel Fershleiser holding an early copy of Texts From Jane Eyre, the book that I have written with these two hands. Ignore the John Grisham poster in the background; John Grisham is a distraction. John Grisham, like all men, is the past. I and my kind are the future. We will ascend on the backs of male humorists and scryers and wordsmiths and culture critics into some kind of super-heaven, like Coin Heaven in Super Mario.

Should you care to pre-order it (the book comes out in November), you may do so here. Should you care to briefly look at the description and decide the book is not for you, you may also do that. “I do not need another bathroom book making jokes about telephones,” you may decide, and that decision is right for you. “I can read Buzzfeed lists for that.” (This is also an appropriate place to discuss how terrific Rachel’s outfit is, and how well it goes with the cover of my book.)

There are a great many books in the world, and I cannot be expected to write a book that satisfies one and all. I am merely one woman with hair as beautiful and as red as Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman’s, and I wish you joy on your chosen path.

In my seventh grade yearbook, Mark Iverson once wrote:

I’m smarter than you
I’m a better speller than you
I can read faster than you

Mark, those were lies and you knew them to be lies in your heart when you wrote them. Clearly you cannot read faster than me, or else you would have written this book first. You also made fun of my Nickelodeon-brand shoes that had the little puddles of Gak on the toe because they were “boy shoes.” They were not boy shoes. You’re boy shoes.

I have held onto my grudge for these thirteen years and I will never forgive you for it. Consider this my rebuttal. Your move, sir.

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.

Comments (91)

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+91 Vote up Vote down

spectralbovine 140p · 574 weeks ago

Hold on a second, how could Jane Eyre be texting anyone? Is this book not historically accurate? I don't know about this, Mallory.

2 replies · active 574 weeks ago

+39 Vote up Vote down

RoseCamelia 123p · 574 weeks ago

Congratulations, Mallory! Your success is no surprise. I am very happy for you. Did Rachel specifically dress to match the book?

1 reply · active 574 weeks ago

+55 Vote up Vote down

robot_dinosaur 115p · 574 weeks ago

*preordered*

I will spend the next seven months in glorious witchlike solitude contemplating the future majesty that will be mine through reading this book.

+43 Vote up Vote down

Allisonnn · 574 weeks ago

Congrats!! I too hold a grudge against a boy from my adolescence for once asking if I was a lesbian because "you wear a lot of blazers and Ellen Degeneres wears a lot of blazers."

2 replies · active 574 weeks ago

+14 Vote up Vote down

chickpeas · 574 weeks ago

that book! those tights! Also Mark Iverson sucks.

+49 Vote up Vote down

thebellewitch 122p · 574 weeks ago

"Should you care to briefly look at the description and decide the book is not for you, you may also do that. “I do not need another bathroom book making jokes about telephones,” you may decide, and that decision is right for you."

That decision is right for no one.

+8 Vote up Vote down

sdpowell1 112p · 574 weeks ago

Yay!

Also I would like Rachel's dress post haste.

+36 Vote up Vote down

newvirago 74p · 574 weeks ago

*runs to Google Mark Iverson*

8 replies · active 574 weeks ago

+53 Vote up Vote down

chaismolokom · 574 weeks ago

John Grisham is forever. He tipped me $10 on a to-go order once when I was working at a sushi restaurant in Charlottesville and earned my undying loyalty.

+173 Vote up Vote down

EPWordsnatcher 126p · 574 weeks ago

According to that author bio, our own dearly beloved The-Toast is described as a "cult-favorite" website. Are we a cult? Is that what we are? Mallory, I thought you were going to tell us if we were a cult.

17 replies · active 574 weeks ago

+27 Vote up Vote down

archivesjulia 140p · 574 weeks ago

On Amazon page:
Mallory Ortberg (Author) <--- Hooray!!!!!

+67 Vote up Vote down

yahtzii 139p · 574 weeks ago

Mark Iverson, you have made a powerful enemy.

1 reply · active 574 weeks ago

+6 Vote up Vote down

dakimel 122p · 574 weeks ago

It's beautifully beautiful - congratulations!

+26 Vote up Vote down

icebergmama 113p · 574 weeks ago

yeah girl! no one is more deserving of ascension to Coin Heaven.

+31 Vote up Vote down

mkpatter 114p · 574 weeks ago

SUCK IT IVERSON.

Also....I kind of need to know where dear friend Rachel got her glasses, or alternatively how I can steal them off her face.

1 reply · active 574 weeks ago

+9 Vote up Vote down

Rianne 108p · 574 weeks ago

Congratulations and huzzah!
I will own this and put it somewhere prominent in my house and loan it to friends and lose it and need to purchase more copies.

+10 Vote up Vote down

greyhavens9 97p · 574 weeks ago

I have never pre-ordered anything in my life, but I am pre-ordering this.

+98 Vote up Vote down

safvn 121p · 574 weeks ago

"Mallory Ortberg, the co-creator of the cult-favorite website The Toast,"

GUYS WE'RE A CULT
WE'RE A FAVORITE

1 reply · active 574 weeks ago

+10 Vote up Vote down

ArsenioB_Ham 125p · 574 weeks ago

Goddess bless Amazon Prime and 1-Click ordering. Such instant gratification will slightly mitigate the sadness I feel at having to wait until November to have the actual book in my hands.

+7 Vote up Vote down

tubatoothpaste 122p · 574 weeks ago

Those are some pretty boss yellow tights!

+31 Vote up Vote down

bsideboston 107p · 574 weeks ago

Future Me is going to be so pumped/surprised after I forget I ordered this and it pops up on his Kindle in November.

+28 Vote up Vote down

lyzlenz 117p · 574 weeks ago

Suck it, Mark!
Love,
The Cult of The Toast

But seriously. Awesome. Pre-ordered.

+59 Vote up Vote down

allabee 103p · 574 weeks ago

"So anyway, here's a thing I wrote."

(CONGRATULATIONS! SO GREAT!)

+15 Vote up Vote down

elsamac 121p · 574 weeks ago

I read through this thinking "thisisn'tthejokedon'tletthisbethejoke" even though you'd previously mentioned the book was in the works; such is my mental state on April Fool's Day.

+3 Vote up Vote down

bumbleblu 82p · 574 weeks ago

I'm so torn because I want to pre-order it right. now. but I don't know where I'll be living in November!! D:

But also aahhhhh congratulations Mallory!! We are going to make you so rich!!!!

1 reply · active 574 weeks ago

+9 Vote up Vote down

honey_cowl 85p · 574 weeks ago

CULT FAVORITE

1 reply · active 574 weeks ago

+60 Vote up Vote down

LaughableWalrus 92p · 574 weeks ago

Hey guys maybe if we keep talking about Mark Iverson in the comments, this article will move up in Google rankings until anytime you search for him The Toast comes up telling him he's boy shoes. THE ULTIMATE REVENGE.

also, book!!!!

1 reply · active 574 weeks ago

+18 Vote up Vote down

littlehuntingcreek 135p · 574 weeks ago

Congratulations! Iverson was even then threatened by your genius. Too bad The Cult has a long memory. A very long memory.

+4 Vote up Vote down

rallisaurus 101p · 574 weeks ago

Obviously I am very very excited for this book. But also, GAK!

+12 Vote up Vote down

samburgers 117p · 574 weeks ago

THIS IS GREAT NEWS

also MARK IVERSON because @LaughableWalrus is onto something here i think

+31 Vote up Vote down

Bébinn 95p · 574 weeks ago

I shall buy this through Amazon Smile, which donates a teeny amount of the proceeds to Provide, an organization that supports abortion access through medical trainings. Take THAT, The Patriarchy.

2 replies · active 574 weeks ago

+4 Vote up Vote down

logicbutton 128p · 574 weeks ago

According to the pre-order confirmation email, my copy will arrive the week before my birthday!

+8 Vote up Vote down

nightsstar 91p · 574 weeks ago

but now I really want to play Super Mario Bros. 2 until the book magically replaces the controller in my hands

+23 Vote up Vote down

figwiggin 114p · 574 weeks ago

I look forward to having a book published before my ex-boyfriend does. You know the one. Yeah, that guy. And then I'll have a copy anonymously sent to his home, with a big HA inscribed on the title page.

+7 Vote up Vote down

onruste 74p · 574 weeks ago

Congratulations!!!!

I've never heard of Mark Iverson but your one of me favourite people so suck it, Mark.

+23 Vote up Vote down

donkeywork 94p · 574 weeks ago

Not long ago I couldn't sleep and realized the reason was I was trying to remember how the whale noises were spelled in 'Texts From Moby Dick'. I knew The Toast had bitten me, but it was then that I realized I had seroconverted. Congratulations on the book and on being a cult leader as well, and yes, that outfit is to die for.

2 replies · active 574 weeks ago

+11 Vote up Vote down

steampunk sparrow 100p · 574 weeks ago

MALLORY YOU WITCH GODDESS HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT NOV 4 IS MY BIRTHDAY?!?!

Preorded like a mofo. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEEEEEEE!

+2 Vote up Vote down

sensiblysavoirfaire 57p · 574 weeks ago

Congratulations!!! Can't wait to read it! :)

+23 Vote up Vote down

mslizwatson 131p · 574 weeks ago

I bet my bottom dollar that Mark Iverson secretly liked and admired you, and would have been happy to worshipfully velcro up your Gak shoes every morning. But he knew in his little withered bean of a heart that you would rightly scorn him, so he masked his adoration in this copper-plated facsimile of animosity.

(Seriously, if you don't like someone, all your write in their notebook is 'Have a good summer'. To go out of your way to write something like that means you are all up in his brain-space. What Mark Iverson shows here is that he was watching your progress in spelling and reading intently and using it as a yardstick against which to measure his own paltry efforts.)

(Ugh. Boys.)

(Honestly.)

+27 Vote up Vote down

CurrerBelle · 574 weeks ago

"This item has not been released yet and is not eligible to be reviewed." - Amazon

I beg to differ, Amazon. I could tell you right this very moment what I think of this book."And lo, Mallory moved upon the face of the formless internets. She spake unto her cult, and we saw that it was good." Five Stars.

+3 Vote up Vote down

ginthirty 129p · 574 weeks ago

What a beautiful time to be alive. Thank you for this momentous gift to the world.

+2 Vote up Vote down

Doctor Jay · 574 weeks ago

Congratulations, Mallory! Being a total philistine that has never read Jane Eyre will, I expect, slightly dampen my appreciation of your brilliance, but only slightly.

Oh well, I have all summer to correct that deficiency.

+1 Vote up Vote down

hayleykrischer 2p · 574 weeks ago

Mark Iverson, Mommy Dearest, The Runaway Bunny's mom=all the same person!! Congratulations!

+1 Vote up Vote down

Alison Cooper · 574 weeks ago

Ordered.

+8 Vote up Vote down

HotDoom 108p · 574 weeks ago

Thing I will do post-haste: Use my powers as library staff to get this on order for the good people of southern England. We will have new members of the cult before long, friends.

+6 Vote up Vote down

I smell bread. 81p · 574 weeks ago

GUYS Mallory is a filthy liar and/or unable to accurately see (more than a year?) into the future. But I'm glad for that now, because all my dreams were dashed back when I saw this tweet.
https://twitter.com/mallelis/status/2767236895616...

+2 Vote up Vote down

Rosie 86p · 574 weeks ago

Pre-ordered!

+9 Vote up Vote down

mannequin_hands 52p · 574 weeks ago

The "Customers Who Bought This Item Also Bought" section is classic Toastie stuff: Jolie's book, My Life in Middlemarch, Veronica Mars book, Hyperbole and a Half, etc. Made me smile in solidarity with my cult sisters.

1 reply · active 574 weeks ago

+1 Vote up Vote down

slowseptember 103p · 572 weeks ago

Just pre-ordered mine! It was a good reminder that I also need to get Jolie's book one of these days, preferably before moving into my own home.

+1 Vote up Vote down

laylapalooza 93p · 561 weeks ago

Um, this gets released the day before my birthday. This is obviously going to be all I ask for this year.

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