How To Talk To Babies About Marxist Theory -The Toast

Previously: How to talk to babies about gender theory.

BABY: want book
ME: that is the rankest consumerism
BABY: book
ME: oh you want to be a subject?
you want to just be a subject that consumes blindly?
BABY: book
ME: sure
fine
you realize you’re resisting literally nothing right now
BABY: want green book

BABY: [sleeps]
ME: HAVE YOU QUESTIONED ANYTHING ABOUT THE DRIVE TO ACCUMULATE CAPITAL TODAY
BABY: [sleeps]
ME: no of course not
you just CONSUMED and PASSED OUT
like a plutocrat
BABY: [sleeps]

BABY: bbbbb
ME: i really need you to check your cognitive biases right now
BABY: bbbbb
ME: ok youre not even reevaluating your original premise here
BABY: bbbbb
ME: youre just repeating your previous work
BABY: bbbbb
ME: this is self-plagiarism

ME: what do we think of German idealism
BABY: [grasps own foot]
ME: come on
you know this
what do we think of Young Hegelians
BABY: [releases foot]
ME: I KNOW YOU KNOW THIS
BABY: [spits up]
ME: thats right
very good

BABY: [builds tower with blocks]
ME: ok this is very good
under capitalism massive building projects are constructed through wage slavery
and through their sheer size and scale intimidate and pacify the masses
so this is a great comment
BABY: [knocks over tower]
ME: that’s right

[The baby is taking a bath]
ME: okay
which one of these floaty toys represents alienation?
BABY: [splashes]
ME: baby
which one of these floaty toys
represents
alienation
BABY: [grasps duck]
ME: well this is just
the rankest commodity fetishism
i’m taking the duck back
youre obviously not ready
BABY: [cries]
ME: are you ready to tell me which floaty toy represents the alienation of the worker?
because if you’re not ready for that
youre not ready for the duck
BABY: [cries]
ME: oh, honestly
just — here, take it
BABY: [chortles]
ME: now i represent the alienation of the exploited worker
well played baby

BABY: [nurses]
ME: okay this is a great illustration
of profit and exploitation
BABY: [gurgles]
ME: YOU ARE COMPLETELY DISREGARDING THE LABOR THEORY OF VALUE
YOU ARE A BARNACLE
BABY: [nurses]