BABY: [knocks plate off of table]
ME: that’s right
in postmodernism we reject the notion of ‘totality’
ME: what book do you want to read
do you want to read ‘Go, Dog, Go’ or ‘Pat The Bunny’
BABY: buhh
ME: are you saying Bunny?
BABY: buhh
ME: that’s right
resist the metanarrative
here is no such thing as outside-of-the-text
the dog can go nowhere
ME: looks like you’ve outgrown these jammies
BABY: [kicks]
ME: have you also outgrown epiphenomenalism?
BABY: [kicks]
ME: are you kicking the notion of a hierarchical system of cause-and-effect away from you
is that what you’re doing
BABY: [kicks]
ME: good
BABY: hi
ME: what else
BABY: hi
ME: …degger
ME: what is that in your hand
BABY: block
ME: very good
and what do we do with blocks
BABY: [gnaws block]
ME: that’s right
we experience the merging of subject and object, self and other
BABY: [rips up paper]
ME: excellent
explore the text
BABY: [eats paper]
ME: oh VERY good
Tags: child development, how to talk to babies, yelling at babies about theory
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BABY: [spits up paper]
MALLORY: Interrogating the adaptation vs. appropriation discussion. Derivative but good.
Oh man. Friends and I were perusing listings in a real estate agent’s window, and one listing described the living space as “post-modern” (or “postmodern”).
I was like guy that word does not mean what you think it means
I would 100% buy Mallory’s “how to talk to your baby” book.
and give it as baby shower gifts
Oh yeah. I’ve already thought that if I do ever have a baby, I’m going to print out some of these posts and frame them for the nursery wall. And I’ll say “wow. have you queered anything today” To my baby a lot.
It makes me wish I had access to a baby to talk to, but I’d be ok applying the lessons of this book to my cats.
I already talk to my cats like this.
I talk to my cats like I’m a villain in a knock-off Bond spy film and I have them trapped in my lair.
I talk to my cat like he’s a neighbour who came over to complain about something trivial, and won’t leave.
I’m sorry. As soon as we hit epiphenominalism all I could think of was Funny Face. My entire knowledge of post-modern philosophy and how to say its isms comes from a fifties musical.
I’m officially done now.
tbh my partner is in philosophy and the stuff in funny face is pretty accurate.
His work parties are insufferable and usually you can find small groups of muggles huddled in the corners comforting each other
But do they break into dance when they feel like expressing themselves?
What IS dance, really?
You haven’t lived until you’ve seen someone narrative dancing at a work retreat.
MrChouffe’s first wife got her phil PhD when they were married and to this day, he speaks in hushed tones of just this kind of gathering.
And now I’m deep into writing “How to talk to your baby about Buddhism.”
You and this guy. My 2-year-old makes me read “red teddy bear book” every damn night, but unfortunately I don’t think she’s engaging with the principles of non-attachment since her main takeaway seems to be “TOYS!” and “CAKE??”
I have those books on my “if I ever have a baby” list.
How To Talk To Your Baby About Buddhism
BABY: [gnaws Buddha statue]
ME: That’s right
you are Buddha
all beings are Buddha.
BABY: [screams]
ME: Well that just shows your ignorance of your true nature.
ME: Which book do you want to read? This one or that one?
BABY: [grabs two books]
ME: Very good!
Reject duality!
A++, would talk to my baby like this again
Thanks to your user name, I will spend the rest of my internet day looking up articles about the Bell Witch.
Jon J Muth is the best! I do not have kids nor do I really want them, but I own a lot of his books. They are absolutely beautiful. His Halloween one (Zen Ghosts) is my favorite.
I love a lot of things on the Toast but How To Talk To Babies may be my all time favorite.
rock-a-bye baby
in the tree top
the tree is a tree
and not a metaphor
when the bough breaks
the baby will fall
and it seems unlikely
that survival is an option
for a small child
“How to talk to your baby about Scott Walker”
Eating the jellybeans of his idol to gain his strength. Is that postmodern?
oh VERY good
brb dying
Mallory, this post makes me want to be friends with you.
Up next: the Marxist babysitter.
And after that, the Marxist Babysitters’ Club.
Book 1: Boy-crazy Stacey confronts Kristy about the relations of production. Dawn teaches the neighbourhood children about the praxis of papier-mâché.
So great. I can’t wait to fast-forward to the part where the babysitter realizes she must sit on the baby in order to teach it about dialectic. Dawn cries, goes back to California or something. She goes to USC, meets a nice MBA named Jeff. He wines and dines her, and accepts her “quirky” veganism. She wears flowy dresses, and stares at the wall while he plays video games in their apartment, bought with a joint bank account. They get married. They buy a small cabin on the beach. They are happy until Jeff brings up wanting to have a child.
“What is wrong with you? Or is it your ovaries? Or is it my sperm?” he screams at her. The fish tacos, imported, of course, go flying. Cabbage sits, mixing with specks of dust on the floor.
Dawn just stares off into the distance, wrecked by her time with the Marxist Babysitters club. She thinks, she cannot bring a child into this world.
Haha, that is an unfortunate ending. I prefer to think that the Marxist BSC sparked a full-blown world revolution.
“Are you sure we can overthrow bourgeois rule before my curfew?” Claudia asked.
“Definitely,” Stacey said, “nothing will hold us back -not diabetes, and not a curfew!”
The last word went to Mallory, who sat idly in the corner, fiddling with her red friendship bracelet: “The last capitalist we hang shall be the one who sold us the rope.”
The time had come for action.
Bravo. It is always good to see that there are some who believe in action.
Why is Mallory even there tho.
The other day my SIL posted a photo of my Tiny Nephew gazing contemptuously at a book called Elephant and Friends. At just 5 months, he’s ready to move on to the gritty urban realism of Babar. I’m very proud.
That will teach him nicely about the toxic influence of colonialism, and the way it alienates the self.
I like to imagine that these posts are representative of Mallory’s relationships with Nicole’s children.
I had not realized just how heteronormative Pat the Bunny was until I got a copy for my wee one, who thought it was great for three days and then moved on to 100 First Words. Next up: Foucault!
I was stuck in an airport and I overheard a Dad reading Pat the Bunny to his toddler and the toddler kept trying to turn the pages before he was ready and he cried out “No! We can’t skip Mr. Scratchy-face! It’s the only time he’s in the book!”
This is beautiful
Ah, but how do they talk back?
(This is a reply to walrathem–looks like Intense Debate is throwing its weight around)
Me to three-year-old: “If you’re happy and you know it clap your hands!”
Three-year-old: *silence*
Me: “If you’re [three-year-old’s name] and you know it, clap your hands!”
Three-year-old: “How me know it?”
A little later:
Me: “If you’re thirsty and you know it, drink your water!”
Three-year-old: “That funny!”
We need more philosophers parenting children.
I wrote a college paper on “The monster at the end of this book”
I wrote a college paper on "The monster at the end of this book"
Baby: (shits)
Me: I am disappointed. That is SUCH a reductionist view of Derrida.
It is also an architectural term.