Posts tagged “babies”

  1. MAN: here comes the airplane!
    here it comes! here comes the airplane!
    BABY DERRIDA: to pretend, you actually do the thing
    you have therefore only pretended to pretend

  2. BABY FOUCAULT [knocks over blocks]: anarchy
    BABY FOUCAULT [kicks blocks into corner]: post-anarchy

  3. Turned in my arms to find a breast to suckle. Finding nothing, he sucked at the air instead, gaining neither nourishment nor satisfaction.

    Writhed against his confinement whether he was swaddled or not, as though trying to free himself from bonds that were interior to his psyche.

    Reached out new hands for something firm to grab onto; found nothing but emptiness.

    Screamed for hours without stopping.

  4. Warm Up

    Vigorous walking

    Muscles worked: Hamstrings, quadriceps

    Required equipment: Shoes (any kind, high heels preferred), bag of some sort (paper, cloth, or leather preferred, plastic strongly discouraged), at least one toddler

    Arrive at your friend’s house. Set down bag and remove shoes. Walk 10 steps into kitchen. Walk 10 steps back to living room, remove phone from toddler’s grasp. Close bag.

  5. lol i have unLOCKED SEO with this post already, just gonna watch the pageviews roll in No, let's be serious, though! I have a lot of opinions on having sex after you have a baby, and now you get to hear them. Let us begin with a brief litany of disclaimers: 1. I don't know your life. 2. There are a billion emotional and psychological aspects to having sex after giving birth which this post…

  6. Nicole's first birth story can be found here. You should also read Meaghan O'Connell's, it's a triumph of the genre. The last few weeks of pregnancy are pretty bad. Even when you've already had a baby, it's hard to remember that they're easier to look after while they're still inside your body, because you have to pee constantly and your back hurts and your feet hurts and you can't shave anything you…

  7. Previously: The Comment Section For Every Article Ever Written About Intimate Grooming and Tipping and Recipes and the Third Trimester. Nicole is happy to report that after not being able to breastfeed Kid One, Kid Two is breastfeeding like a champ. LIFE IS A RICH TAPESTRY. Breast is best. Your issue sounds like a tongue tie, go get it snipped. Three pediatricians have examined him and said he doesn't have a tongue tie.

  8. Teri Vlassopoulos's previous work for The Toast can be found here.

    If you are growing a human, from about 30 weeks onwards it should be head down in your womb, biding its time until it’s ready to smash its way through your vaginal canal. Unfortunately some babies are lazy, have a poor sense of direction or just want to mess with you and your plan for a perfect unassisted home birth and

  9. My son was a planned surprise, which means I wanted him but didn’t think he could ever happen. What was even more unexpected were the feelings that arose around my ability to care for him. It took years for me to figure out that a lot of my struggles as a new mother were directly related to my history as a sexual assault survivor.

    One of the unanticipated difficulties was breastfeeding.

  10. Previously: The Comment Section For Every Article Ever Written About Intimate Grooming and Tipping and Recipes. 1. I'm 36 weeks and ready to EXPLODE, I need self-induction tips. I've tried rough sex, pineapple, bumpy roads, walking, evening primrose oil, castor oil, eggplant, nipple stimulation, the Coffee Potty, reflexology and I spend four hours a day on my exercise ball. Ladies, help! 2. Who else is getting their boy circumcised? NO NEGATIVE COMMENTS PLS.

  11. So you’re thinking about - or perhaps already planning on! - welcoming a new life into the world, but you’re not sure how a baby will fit into your novel. Well, dear reader, wonder no more.

    1. Babies are an adorable and efficient way to make sure your relationship with your husband is running as smoothly as possible. Telling him you’re pregnant or taking your delicately conditioned self on a reckless horseback

  12. Previously: How to talk to babies about gender theory. BABY: want book ME: that is the rankest consumerism BABY: book ME: oh you want to be a subject? you want to just be a subject that consumes blindly? BABY: book ME: sure fine you realize you're resisting literally nothing right now BABY: want green book BABY: [sleeps] ME: HAVE YOU QUESTIONED ANYTHING ABOUT THE DRIVE TO ACCUMULATE CAPITAL TODAY BABY: [sleeps] ME: no of…

  13. The lie started with the birth announcement: “We are already very much in love.” This was the script; what we were supposed to feel. We were very much in love, weren’t we?

    It was a hot night in July. I attached two photos—one of me with the baby, one of her with my husband, selected from the 75 or so we’d already taken with our new camera, bought especially for this event, as

  14. How soon is too soon to begin introducing basic gender theory and Lacanian self-definition to an infant? A primer.

    BABY: dont want u want daddy ME: GENDER IS A SPECTRUM OF BEHAVIORS NOT A FIXED IDENTITY STOP DENYING MY AGENCY BABY: want juice ME: I'M GONNA READ JUDITH BUTLER TO YOU AGAIN BABY: [nurses] ME: you realize youre literally consuming me BABY: [nurses] ME: wow its like de Beauvoir never even wrote The Second Sex…

  15. I’ve known Kate since high school, where we were friendly and I also silently worshipped her from afar. Kate, now an attorney, is still lovely and funny and smart and she appears to have passed her good genes onto her daughter, whom she calls Poppy. Of course, many children are cute, beautiful, charming, and so on, but in this case, Poppy is professionally so. At not even two years old, she is a full-on baby…