Previously: How to talk to babies about gender theory.
BABY: want book
ME: that is the rankest consumerism
BABY: book
ME: oh you want to be a subject?
you want to just be a subject that consumes blindly?
BABY: book
ME: sure
fine
you realize you’re resisting literally nothing right now
BABY: want green book
BABY: [sleeps]
ME: HAVE YOU QUESTIONED ANYTHING ABOUT THE DRIVE TO ACCUMULATE CAPITAL TODAY
BABY: [sleeps]
ME: no of course not
you just CONSUMED and PASSED OUT
like a plutocrat
BABY: [sleeps]
BABY: bbbbb
ME: i really need you to check your cognitive biases right now
BABY: bbbbb
ME: ok youre not even reevaluating your original premise here
BABY: bbbbb
ME: youre just repeating your previous work
BABY: bbbbb
ME: this is self-plagiarism
ME: what do we think of German idealism
BABY: [grasps own foot]
ME: come on
you know this
what do we think of Young Hegelians
BABY: [releases foot]
ME: I KNOW YOU KNOW THIS
BABY: [spits up]
ME: thats right
very good
BABY: [builds tower with blocks]
ME: ok this is very good
under capitalism massive building projects are constructed through wage slavery
and through their sheer size and scale intimidate and pacify the masses
so this is a great comment
BABY: [knocks over tower]
ME: that’s right
[The baby is taking a bath]
ME: okay
which one of these floaty toys represents alienation?
BABY: [splashes]
ME: baby
which one of these floaty toys
represents
alienation
BABY: [grasps duck]
ME: well this is just
the rankest commodity fetishism
i’m taking the duck back
youre obviously not ready
BABY: [cries]
ME: are you ready to tell me which floaty toy represents the alienation of the worker?
because if you’re not ready for that
youre not ready for the duck
BABY: [cries]
ME: oh, honestly
just — here, take it
BABY: [chortles]
ME: now i represent the alienation of the exploited worker
well played baby
BABY: [nurses]
ME: okay this is a great illustration
of profit and exploitation
BABY: [gurgles]
ME: YOU ARE COMPLETELY DISREGARDING THE LABOR THEORY OF VALUE
YOU ARE A BARNACLE
BABY: [nurses]
BABY: [tears apart newspaper]
ME: that’s very good
the apparatus that props up capitalism will destroy itself some day
Tags: advice, babies, critical thought, how to treat children, marxist theory, yelling at babies about theory
Yeah, but a baby is the only creature naive enough to believe in labor theory of value.
I don’t know republicans are always telling me rich people deserve their money because they work so hard.
And what theory of value are you naif enough to believe in?
In demanding knowledge rather than the lecturing of authoritarian figures, the baby is in fact more of a resistor than the pedagogue: it is resisting the very idea of compulsory resistance.
I want to go paint “sleep like a plutocrat” banners above the cribs of my friends’ babies now.
Man, my dog never builds block towers to comment on wage slavery. The pope was right; it’s selfish to have pets instead of children.
My cat tears up the office chair, is that a comment on something?
My dog does eat a lot of bugs, I guess. If ants and bees aren’t a metaphor for the working class, I don’t know what is. So he’s…a plutocrat?
Mickey’s dog left a plutocrat on his carpet once.
All cats are despots, let’s not kid ourselves.
I also love this picture usage.
I like to imagine the guy is yelling the last syllable in “PLUTOCRAAAAAT” and Green Shirt is gently flecked with spittle.
Yes, me too 😀
I keep reading these and feeling like this is exactly how I’d be if I had a child.
Submitting request to have “How to Talk to Babies About __” book for us childfree folks to give our breeder friends as witty shower gifts.
I would buy many copies of this book… WAIT A MINUTE. DAMMIT.
I obviously did not listen as a baby.
I am a blindly consuming subject…
I just wanted the book.
I can’t wait to sob “YOU ARE A BARNACLE” at my newborn at 2:30am tomorrow morning.
NEVER LET THE BABY FORGET ITS TRUE NATURE.
I have in fact had that exact thought while nursing.
Me too. It’ll be a nice change from “MAMA LOVES YOU BUT I’M GOING TO MURDER YOU, NO I DIDN’T MEAN THAT, I LOVE YOU I’M SO SORRY.”
Parasitic worm was the phrase I may have used.
No one exploits women’s bodies and unpaid labor more than babies. Open your eyes, comrades, they are the true enemy.
This PSA is brought to you by the Lisa Frankfurt School.
The fact that you refer to the baby as ‘baby’ makes me imagine that Sterling Archer is yelling at a baby about communism. Which would be amazing.
Also I’m glad the baby got some things right this round.
Stealing “like a PLUTOCRAT” to make my snacking and napping sound fancy and full of capitalist decadence.
My baby is critiquing Young Hegelians all over the damn place today.
She’s also investigating the concept of sleep collectivism, but we’re having problems with the fair distribution of REM.
Verily, you are a magician! And yes, it seems like the Pope is a sleeker version of the Apostle. This feels deeply appropriate.
I AM GOING TO STEAL THAT LINE SO HARD.
Mickey's dog left a plutocrat on his carpet once.
This is probably the only empirically correct way to raise a child.
Just you wait until babies of the world unite! That should be entertaining.
babies all over the world join hands start a love train love train
Just you wait until babies of the world unite! That should be entertaining.
They deserve it because of STYLE.
Romney owns a dancing horse for crying out loud.
Oh that we had more to give them.
“You are free to teach on any of the great socialist thinkers provided you make it absolutely clear, they were wrong!” — Prof. Bruce, philosophy department, Univ. of Woolamaloo.
And what theory of value are you naif enough to believe in?
Well I just trollposted this to a frugal mommies forum, so the time of reckoning is nigh.
this reminds me of the time i watched anastasia with my 6 year old cousin and tried explaining why rusputin should kill anastasia. it didn't go well.