Previously: Lift like a serf, eat like a baron – My Medieval Diet Plan.
9 Quick And Easy Dinners That Involve Sewing The Top Half Of A Pig Onto The Bottom Half Of A Peacock [Slideshow]
Fish: Is It Meat?
How To Cook Literally Anything With Buckwheat Groats Because That’s The Only Thing You’ll Be Eating For The Rest Of Your Life, Peasant
Shoving Bodies On A Spit And Turning Them Over A Fire For A Long Time: A Great Way To Serve Dinner And Justice
Water: Only If You Have To (Are You Drinking Too Much Of It?)
DIY Everything Because That Is Your Only Option
Stabbing Your Host And Seizing His Lands: The Dos and Don’ts
Tearing Bites Out Of A Big Old Roasted Turkey Leg And Yelling “More Wine!” With Your Mouth Full: A Primer For The Newly Ennobled
Tomatoes: What Are They, Can We Trust Them, Are They Poison
Breakfast Is A Sign Of Weakness
Fill An Oxen With Quail
Sumptuary Laws And You: Take Off That Hat, Your Grandfather Was A Blacksmith
Put Herring On Everything
How To Make All Of Your Own Clothes Because That Is Your Only Option
Porridge vs. Pottage: The Debate Rages On
The Six Most Common Mistakes First-Timers Make With Fountains Of Spiced Wine
Tired Of The Same Old Weeknight Dinners? Why Not Serve A Rabbit Trussed To Look Like Pegasus?
Miniature Edible Castles And You
How To Make A Cold Supper That Tastes Just As Good After Three Weeks In Your Saddlebag Riding To The Holy Land As It Did Last Night
Salt And How To Use It
Fill A Roasted Bear With Gilded Apples, Then Carve It At Table To Surprise And Delight Your Guests From Nuremberg Who Will Die Of Summer Fever Later That Evening
Tags: advice, food, lifestyle blogs, not all medieval stereotypes may be 100% accurate, the middle ages, using the term medieval pretty loosely here
“The Smell: How To Ignore It”
“This Years Plague: Gods Punishment, or Gods Test?”
“How Faith Protects YOU From Leprosy”
Now I’m kind of digging on the idea of writing a short horror story called THE SMELL.
OMG I clicked on that link and now I need to bleach my eyeballs.
You have to Google it for pictures but the pictures are incredible
Different aesthetic standards over cultures, indeed
http://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/201…
“Rats: Man’s Best Friend”
“Exciting Innovations for your Prison”
“Protestantism: What is Up With That?”
“How to Prevent Peasant Uprisings Without Sacrificing Your God-Given Right to Exploit Their Labor”
“Get Your Case Heard in Ecclesiastical Court Using This One Simple Trick”
Point/Counterpoint: Should We Stop Shitting On The Street?
No, For Only the Saracens Practice Hygiene.
I love and eat buckwheat groats all the time, actually.
Let me subscribe to this magazine, I need more ideas about what to do with the old, gross rushes on my floor.
Don’t throw out those old rushes just yet! You can extend rush life up to six weeks with the daily application of an all-natural, DIY elixir. Just combine:
-IV parts vin aigre
-III parts pine resin
-I part dockweed liqueur
-I part calf sputum
To apply, pour the mixture on a dog and shoo it into the middle of the room to be treated. The dog, in shaking itself dry, will shower the rushes with the elixir! (Great halls and chapel naves might call for two to six dogs.) You should see immediate improvements in rush color, springiness, and odor; your dogs’ coats should see similar benefits, though white dogs may turn slightly green if used for multiple applications.
(Whatever you do, don’t use commercial rush treatments like Hey-Nonny-Nonny and Saracen’s Secret. They’ve been linked to wens, buboes, and witch-eyes!!!)
If all my cows have died of an illness, can I substitute sheep sputum for calf sputum?
Dunno about sheep sputum, but recent studies have associated the breath of sheep with dancing mania. Better not chance it! Use squirrel phlegm instead.
You’re a little TOO good at this.
::eyes you warily::
It’s a witch! Burn it!
Went down the cockentrice wikipedia rabbit hole to discover this gem: “There is a variation on this dish called the Helmeted Cock in which the bird is made to ride the pig in military regalia.” Well. That’s a festive meal.
Also this gem. “Around 500 auks are put into the seal skin intact, including beaks, feet and feathers, before as much air as possible is removed from the seal skin, which is then sewn up and sealed with grease, with a large rock placed on top to keep the air content low. Over the course of seven months, the birds ferment, and are then eaten during the Greenlandic winter, particularly on birthdays and weddings.”
Who wants to get married in Greenland?
I wonder if it’s like cutting the cake when you slice into the seal skin to reveal all the deliciously fermented dead animals?
I’ve had hákarl so I am up for this challenge.
And… how was it? Did you eat more than one piece? Were you drunk at the time? More information!
I did eat multiple pieces, and wasn’t drunk! It smells really strongly of ammonia, but tasted like blue cheese so once I was chewing it I got over the smell. The friend I was with basically downed hers in one gulp so she got all the smell and none of the taste which I do not recommend. I like fermented foods and strong flavors in general so I am probably an outlier but I would eat it again.
That is awesome! I am not sure I will ever get the chance to try this, but I totally would.
I’ve tried it before. It was…a thing. Not as bad as I was anticipating but not that great either, but I don’t really like blue cheeses or that kind of thing so it was probably just not for me.
It’s in the wikipedia category “Meat Stubs,” which is the best possible name for a wikipedia category.
And also for a punk band.
Aren’t auks like…giant? How many auks can fit in a seal?
I dunno about 500, but I bet you could get a good number of one of the smaller species of auk in there. Lookit these lil guys: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Little_auk#mediaview…
“how many auks can fit in a seal” is the new “how many roads must a man walk down”
It’s a Zen thing, like “how many babies can fit in a tire”, you know, the old joke.
Clearly a limited number of ways to kill yourself in Greenland, but they kept trying because it’s Greenland and the sun doesn’t come up for three more months
The phrase “this dish called the Helmeted Cock” kind of makes me think my next boyfriend should be uncircumcised so that I might have an excuse to use it.
Coqz Heaumez, or, For to Make an Helmeted Cock Upon an Roasted Piglet. Now that be some right gode cookery.
“5 Hot New Plagues Everyone Will Have This Fall”
Fish: totally not a meat, at least according to the Catholic church. So you can feast on salmon, lobster, and all the other expensive seafood your heart desires, and still fulfill your Lenten Friday obligations!
Because the original point of that totally wasn’t to donate the money saved by not eating meat to those less fortunate than you or anything.
Also, beaver? According to the church, totally a fish. A tasty, tasty fish.
Also, capybara. If they weren’t so adorable I’d find a way to eat them during Lent one year…
During a spontaneous class discussion of holy relics including Milk of the Virgin, the Foreskin of Christ Removed at his Bris, and the obsession of medieval monastics over the hymen of the Virgin Mary (there were 5 of us, and we just started having this conversation, as one does), my professor spaced out for a minute, then said, very thoughtfully, “it reminds me of the medieval debate about whether or not it’s ok to eat beaver on a Friday. [beat] I mean the mammal.”
We all just blinked a lot. Oh, Prof. Baker, you weird, weird man.
I spent a semester researching medieval cookery and diet, and one of the most entertaining recurring subjects was the reasoning by which various sea creatures or mammals were lumped in as “fish” for the purposes of delicious, meaty fast days. Dolphins, seals, other sea creature? Yeeeah, okay, clerics, there’s some plausible deniability there. Beaver tails? Barnacle geese? NOPE NOPE NOPE.
My family’s dinner every Friday of Lent: fried fish and homemade mac and cheese. Truly, we were letter of the law, not spirit of the law, people.
My girlfriend works at a seafood restaurant, and Good Friday is one of their busiest nights because of those kind of Catholics. (She was also raised Catholic, but more of the “let’s probably not spend $30 on lobster to commemorate Jesus being brutally killed mebbe and instead actually fast” type of Catholic.)
Plague FAQ: Bubonic or Pneumonic, how to tell the difference if you are still alive to wonder
If this were a REAL Middle Ages lifestyle blog, some male commenter would pompously point out that tomatoes came to the Old World as part of the Columbian Exchange, and that would technically be after the Medieval period, since it necessarily was after 1492. But since pompous male commenters are not allowed here, I’ll just helpfully and non-confrontationally mention it, to show the pompous male types how we make polite comments.
Turkey’s legs too! I’m pretty sure turkey’s are not part of European fauna but I could be wrong
yes, finally my history major is useful for something
Turkeys, corn beans squash tomatoes, potatoes, chocolate, vanilla, true red dyes and many many more things did not exist in the Old World until after the Spanish brought them back, (or as my lefty professor said “LOOTED”)
Surely Mallory was referring to the guineafowl, aka the turkey fowl, and not the bird from the Americas, called the turkey after its resemblance to the turkey fowl, though. So it would be all cool ANYWAY.
Ughh, I wrote something on the Middle Ages once and absolutely got these pompous comments about the precise definition of “Middle Ages,” and LOOK I wrote that there are slightly varying definitions so I was just going with one, plz deal.
Obviously, you are right about the tomatoes, I just had to vent.
I feel your pain, I have Been There in “Pompous Male Commenter Land”
I have even been corrected on something I MADE UP. They have no shame.
Ugh no you didn’t, get it right.
Also we post links to people who care about historical accuracy but are not averse to taking the piss: The Supersizers Eat Medieval.
Well ACTUALLY, not ALL tomat- *transmutes into cloud of butterflies*
To which I would reply, “DEPENDS ON WHICH MIDDLE AGES, PEDANTIC MAN.”
I have rarely been so annoyed by a restaurant menu as I am by the menu at Medieval Times, which is full of potatoes and tomatoes and beans.
Is it pompously male to point out she did make a note about accuracy in the tags?
Isn’t it amazing, being on a blog with no pompous male commenters? It’s like putting down a heavy backpack, and suddenly remembering what your shoulders felt like at the beginning of the day.
A couple of these items bring back my days in the SCA, I have to say.
The Best Shovels for Digging a Grave for Your Dead Infant
“Bathing: Are you doing too much of it?”
Get fit with dancing mania!
Make penance in style with these fashionable hairshirts!
You don’t need to be literate to appreciate this charming miniscule calligraphy!
Tomatoes are most definitely poison.
i do love herring though.
yeah it’s been Herring Season where I live and it’s great
Mandrake: A Witch’s Best Friend
“16 Bold New Ways to Fold Your Wimple”
“How many husbands is too many? Exclusive Interview with the Wife of Bath”
“IHTM: My Swain Kissed My Naked Arse Full Savorly–and It Was Hilarious”
Don’t forget the bacon!
Flagellation: A New Hot Summer Trend!
Pepper – Not Just For Keeping Maggots Off Meat!
101 Hot Tips to Drive Him Wild in the Pile of Straw and Ragged Blankets Everyone Sleeps On.
So You’ve Been Accused of Witchcraft: Make it Through Your Burning at the Stake in Style
“Fish: Is It Meat?”
I am a vegetarian and once was at a meal where the main course was fish. It was buffet-style, and as I was sitting down, this conversation ensued:
Guy: “Why aren’t you having the fish?”
Me: “I’m a vegetarian.” (he knew this)
Guy: “But I thought vegetarians ate fish.”
Me: “Oh, sorry! Yeah, some vegetarians do, that’s being pescetarian. Personally, I just don’t eat animals.”
Guy: “But fish aren’t animals.”
Me: “Well, I mean, they are.”
Guy: “But not REALLY.”
Me: “Well, they’re not very smart, but – ”
Guy: “This fish is so good.”
Me: “I am so glad! It looks great! I just don’t eat animals so I’m gonna just have some pasta.”
Guy: “But fish aren’t even animals.”
This was literally, almost word-for-word, our conversation. He continued to plague me for FIFTEEN MINUTES.
I have no issue with meat-eaters, am not an evangelical vegetarian, but Jesus Christ I think we can all agree that when you get right down to it fish are animals.
(sorry for the derail, this was great, more medieval everything please)
If fish aren’t animals, what ARE they?
NO ONE CAN SAY
What is Water? It’s a difficult question because water is impossible to describe.
Thanks, Brunhildenburg.
Thunhildenburg.
This is some epic Mansplaining! “Hey Jim, what… what ARE animals? Are fish rocks? Are you eating a rock? EXPLAIN LIFE TO ME JIM”
Ugh food policing makes me so mad. What business is it of anyone else what you do or don’t choose to eat? ROAR.
You know what’s the greatest, kindest, most persuasive thing in the world? Sitting at a meal with a person and trying to logic them out of their particular dietary preference and needs OH WAIT MY MISTAKE THAT IS THE WORST UGH THAT GUY SHOULD SHUT IT.
I will never understand what compels some people to make these futile efforts to pick apart someone else’s dietary choices.
IDK, it sounds like most fish are smarter than that guy.
I traveled through Spain with a vegetarian and every night at dinner that was pretty much the conversation. “I’m a vegetarian” “Oh, we’ll get you some fish.” “No, I don’t eat fish, I don’t eat any animals.” “…. So you just want vegetables on a plate, then?” “…sure.” Eventually she figured out she could ask for an omelet.
I feel you, my vegetarian comrade. I feel you. I once had a similar argument with my aunt when I was trapped in a car with her and could not escape from her insufferable self.
Is This Family Of Thirteen Ready For A Second Bed?
“5 More Ways Bathing Can Kill You”
Special Shopping Edition: Where To Find The Best Cauls To Use As Lucky Talismans
Exclusive Interview With John Wycliffe: Putting The LOL In Lollardy
5 Tips For Successfully Looting The Corpses Of Those Recently Executed In The Town Square
You Won’t BELIEVE What This Witch Did With The Hanged Man’s Severed Tongue!
10 Airbnbs You HAVE To Stay At On Your Way To The Holy Land
This Season’s Sexiest Executioner’s Cowls
My neighbor told me, out of nowhere, that her son was born with the caul (she didn’t say caul, obv, because my neighbors are normal and I am not). I had about 2 seconds of “…” followed by “you know he’s going to become a werewolf, right?”
Obligatory link to Supersizers, greatest Bristish TV show about food of all time. Sue Perkins is my best ladycrush.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oH5O_fCstyI
It’s SO British. Let’s dress up In costumes and eat baffling foods and learn about history!
Sue Perkins. God yes.
Literacy is for Monks! How to Stop Reading this Right Now and Get Back to Work
Legit tried to click “Shoving Bodies On A Spit” because I wanted to read more.
This says something truly awful about me, I’m sure.
Medieval Lifestyles: SPECIAL CLERGY EDITION!
Stigmata? You Gotta! : Holy Visitations And You
You Won’t Believe What This Monk Did to Keep Himself From Talking for 3 Months!
Talking to Animals: 10 Tips from Our Exclusive Interview With Francis of Asissi
Popular Vacations: 15 Monasteries So Austere You’ll Have to See it to Believe It!
flayers gonna flay.
prayers gonna pray.
self flagellators gonna flate.
“Stigmata? You Gotta! wins it.
l love how in the picture the fellow comes in all “look, I have something’s leg” and the woman just indicates that he should talk to the hand, regardless of what thing’s leg it might be. that’s what marriage was back then.
“Cook it thyself, Padraigh; I’ve been sweating over this spit all day.”
“Gooooosh, Padraig, you’re the wooooorst.”
Inside: Two Monks Invent Advice Columns!
OMG!
“Dear Monk 1 and Monk 2, I’m really having a tough time with this manuscript I’m illuminating…”
Wait for my thinkpieces in medievalcrunch on how the Catholic Church cut out the middle-(son)ofman and was able to #disrupt religion with indulgences…and then how one man disrupted the Catholic Church with just 95 theses
Water: not even once.
Lesbian Nuns and Faked Stigmatas: Should You Really Send Your Daughter To A Nunnery?
(Context: I am reading this book right now)
Rye is THE BEST. Medieval castle, Lamb House (the home of both Henry James and E.F. Benson, leading to), the real Tilling of the Mapp and Lucia books, site of a fascinating 18th century murder mystery … a Toastie's dream vacation.
My girlfriend works at a seafood restaurant, and Good Friday is one of their busiest nights because of those kind of Catholics. (She was also raised Catholic, but more of the "let's probably not spend $30 on lobster to commemorate Jesus being brutally killed mebbe and instead actually fast" type of Catholic.)
Nothing testifies to my Eastern European serf ancestry like the fact that I would happily eat buckwheat groats for every meal.
Mmmm, kasha!!
I don't know about Western and Southern Europe, but I do know that in Scandinavia and Eastern Europe saunas were popular. Maybe in Southern Europe there were still Roman style bathhouses? Some medieval information is really unreliable because gossip and political skullduggery have amazing staying power.