Song Lyrics Improved By Replacing Proper Nouns With Cats -The Toast

Song Lyrics Improved By Replacing Proper Nouns With Cats

ByDaniel Mallory Ortberg

on August 19, 2014 in Music

Previously: Song lyrics improved by cats.

The world is a dark and a terrible place. Horrible, morally insane things are happening. Let us resist them as best we are able, and in the meantime replace various nouns in the lyrics of well-known pop songs with the word “cats,” that we might whistle against the coming of the night together a while longer.

cats keep a-fallin’ on my head
just like the guy whose cats are too big for his bed
nothing seems to fit
Oh, cats keep a-fallin’ on my head
keep a-fallin’

cause I just done me some talking to the sun
and I said I didn’t like the way cats got things done
catting on the job
Oh, cats keep a-fallin’ on my head
keep a-fallin’

it won’t be long
til cats and cats
come up to greet me

Because I’m free
cats aren’t worrying me

I was just a skinny cat
never knew no good from cats
But I knew cats before I left my nursery
left alone with big fat catty
cats were such a naughty nanny
cat big woman, cats made a cat boy out of me

Oh, won’t cats take me home tonight
Oh, cats beside your red fire light
Oh, and cats give it all cats got
cat bottomed girls, cats make the rocking world go round
cat bottomed girls, cats make the rocking world go cat

If I could save cats in a bottle
the first cat that I would pursue
is to cat every day ’til eternity passes away
Just to spend cats with you

But there never seems to be enough cats
To do the things you want to do once cats find them
I’ve looked around enough to know
That cats the one I want to cat through time with

cats love cats (cats, cats, cats)
cats love cats (cats, cats, cats)
cats love cats (cats, cats, cats)
and with a cat like that
you know you should be cats

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ChmceF00gGc

cats never meant 2 cause u any sorrow
cats never meant 2 cause u any pain
cats only wanted 2 one time see cats laughing
cats only wanted 2 see cats laughing in the purple rain

Purple rain purple cats
Purple cats purple rain
Purple cats purple cats

what have cats done for me lately

let’s give cats something to talk about
let’s give cats mysteries to figure out
let’s give cats something to cat about
how about cats
cats
cats

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.

Comments (82)

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+11 Vote up Vote down

tubatoothpaste 122p · 554 weeks ago

This is my everything.

+47 Vote up Vote down

Frumiosa 141p · 554 weeks ago

In a similar vein, I really really want would pay someone real money to raid a lab or a pet store and do a Mice Bucket Challenge. I think this is what humanity needs right now.

1 reply · active 554 weeks ago

+13 Vote up Vote down

anninyn 124p · 554 weeks ago

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jjg4V-7mc1k

And I heard your cat
As clear as mew
And cat told me I should concentrate
It was all so strange
And so purr-eal
That a cat should be so cat-tical
Kitty if for a night

+49 Vote up Vote down

thecoppertop 127p · 554 weeks ago

We can't go on together
with suspicious cats
And we can't build our dreams
on suspicious cats

+62 Vote up Vote down

Sean_Sullivan 142p · 554 weeks ago

And if a double-decker cat
Crashes in to us
To die by your cat
Is such a heavenly way to die
And if a ten ton cat
Kills the both of us
To die by your cat
Well the pleasure, the feline is mine.

2 replies · active 554 weeks ago

+22 Vote up Vote down

rubeseatsinfo 116p · 554 weeks ago

For a long time we've been
marching off to battle
In our thundering herd
We feel a lot like cattle
Like the pounding tweets
Our aching feels aren't
easy to ignore
Hey, think of instead
A cat worth fighting for
Huh?
That's what I said
A cat worth fighting for

2 replies · active 554 weeks ago

+2 Vote up Vote down

katharineduckett 110p · 554 weeks ago

I bought my girlfriend a shirt for Valentine's Day that confirms the greatness of Purple Rain, Purple Cats: http://www.pinterest.com/pin/522839837961529151/

+40 Vote up Vote down

anninyn 124p · 554 weeks ago

My masterpiece - the entirety of Radioactive, only about cats.

I'm waking up to purrs and paws
I wipe my brow and accept the claws
I'm breathing in the kitty breath
I'm breaking in, shaping up, then checking out on thekitty bus
This is it, the cat-ocalypse
Whoa

I'm waking up, I'm stroking up their fur
Enough to make a kitty purr
Welcome to the cat age, to the cat age
Welcome to the cat age, to the cat age
Whoa, whoa, I'm kitty-oactive, kitty-oactive
Whoa, whoa, I'm kitty-oactive, kitty-oactive

I raise my flags, don my clothes
time to fill the cat bowl, I suppose
We'll collar her to fit right in
Whoa
I'm breaking in, shaping up, then checking out on the kitty bus
This is it, the cat-ocalypse
Whoa
(rpt chorus)

All kittyies go, sleep in the sun
chase catnip mouse, have some fun

(rpt chorus)

1 reply · active 554 weeks ago

+16 Vote up Vote down

JGlo · 554 weeks ago

You have rumbled the secrets of my lyricism! Curses! Though what I really do is replace the nouns of songs with Scrambles, the name of our cat. My husband and I tell people that all our songs are Scramble songs.

Off the cuff example:
I'm so Scramble, you already know
I'm in the fast lane, from food dish to couch-io.

Not my best work, but most of the songs are of this quality.

1 reply · active 554 weeks ago

+15 Vote up Vote down

testingwithfire 98p · 554 weeks ago

I grew up in northeastern Pennsylvania, where my Brooklyn-dwelling Aunt Rita would come to visit during the late spring and summer. Her version of "Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head" replaced "raindrops" with "inchworms."

Thanks for the much-needed smile and pleasant memory, Mallory.

+8 Vote up Vote down

AddieJoy 104p · 554 weeks ago

I have never understood why someone would be nostalgic for the eighties until that Janet Jackson video.

+5 Vote up Vote down

Es_Petal 120p · 554 weeks ago

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5RIlRhXXQjg

If all the kittens in the world camped out in your back garden,
Would you write and tell the king or would you grab a cat and join 'em,
I can see that all the possibilities for kittens,
Could just sway your first decision to subject them all to oblivion.
And do you feel your cat is threatened by fabricated stories,
Dreamt up by the sons of campers that you killed back in the forties,
I could see that all the possibilities for kittens,
Could just back up your decision to subject them all to oblivion.

I can't stand the things the cats do to me,
I won't wait for Jesus to prove to me.

When all the kittens in the world move out of your back garden,
Would you celebrate the passing of your life as Mr. Catman,
You could see that all the possibilities in peacetime,
Should force a new decision don't subject them all to oblivion.

I can't stand the things the cats do to me,
I won't wait for Jesus to prove to me.
I can't stand the things the cats do to me,
I won't wait for Jesus to prove to me.

Oh goodness, my gracious, I hope its not contagious,
Although it seems its cat-ching it's best not to get careless.
Oh goodness, my gracious, I hope its not contagious,
Although it seems its catching it's best not to get careless.

(doo-wop, bop a doo-wop)

4 replies · active 554 weeks ago

+26 Vote up Vote down

katiemcgillicuddy 125p · 554 weeks ago

Cats, caaats will keep us together
Think of me babe whenever
Some sweet talking dog comes along, barkin' her song
Don't mess around,
You gotta be strong
Just meow (meow), 'cause I really love You
Meow (meow), I'll be thinking of you
Look in my heart and let cats keep us together

1 reply · active 554 weeks ago

+52 Vote up Vote down

Frumiosa 141p · 554 weeks ago

Cat! In the name of cat.
Before you cat my cat.

1 reply · active 554 weeks ago

+10 Vote up Vote down

Allpha7 102p · 554 weeks ago

I don't mean to seem like I care about material things, (like a social status)
I just want
Four walls and adobe slabs
For my cats

+4 Vote up Vote down

Vair · 554 weeks ago

This is basically what I do every day. I tend to put my cats' names in the lyrics instead of generic cats though. Always makes me feel better!

+6 Vote up Vote down

turanga_leela 121p · 554 weeks ago

Needs more cats!

+9 Vote up Vote down

sunfastrose · 554 weeks ago

I just replace all the words with "meow".

+60 Vote up Vote down

betsaroo 124p · 554 weeks ago

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Cats;
They are trampling out the bones of a hundred thousand rats;
Cats have loosed the fateful lightning of Their terrible swift wrath:
The Cats are marching on.

Glory, glory, hallelujah!
Glory, glory, hallelujah!
Glory, glory, hallelujah!
The Cats are marching on.

3 replies · active 554 weeks ago

+17 Vote up Vote down

elsamac 121p · 554 weeks ago

To go with Nicole's Eagles fever:

Life in the cats lane
Surely make you lose your mind
Life in the cats lane, every kitty all the time

1 reply · active 554 weeks ago

+9 Vote up Vote down

Bacerboo · 554 weeks ago

Cat bottomed girls seems especially appropriate in light of yesterday's discussion of Catundra.

+9 Vote up Vote down

Catandrist 125p · 554 weeks ago

Ain’t nobody fuckin’ with my
Cat, cat, cat, cat, cat
Ain’t nobody fresher than my motherfucking
Cat, cat, cat, cat, cat
As I look around, they don’t do it like my
Cat, cat, cat, cat, cat
And all these bad bad cats, man, they want the (cat)
They want the (cat), they want the (cat)

+7 Vote up Vote down

two_ogres 103p · 554 weeks ago

caaatway to the cat zone
gonna take you right into the cat zone

1 reply · active 554 weeks ago

+8 Vote up Vote down

madgehowlet 95p · 554 weeks ago

First, every video auto-played for me when I opened this page and it was a magnificent cacophony (catcophony?).

Second, this is not replacing proper nouns, but I have made up cat-centric lyrics to the lyric-less Baseball Tonight theme:

Ezzzzzra the CAT
Heeeee's made OF CAT
(repeat)

+24 Vote up Vote down

lauralizabethm 119p · 554 weeks ago

How d'you do, I see you've met my faithful kittycat
He's just a little brought down because when you knocked
He thought you were the tunaman.
Don't get strung out by the way that I look,
Don't judge a cat by its fur
I'm not much of a cat by the light of day,
But by night I'm one hell of a purr-er

I'm just a sweet catssvestite from catsexual, catsylvania!

3 replies · active 554 weeks ago

+3 Vote up Vote down

hopitaglass 90p · 554 weeks ago

i feel like this is a safe place for this: https://www.youtube.com/user/weirdsong2sing2urcat
(lol)

+18 Vote up Vote down

Toft 126p · 554 weeks ago

Fire up that meow! Another round of spats...

TURN DOWN FOR CATS

1 reply · active 554 weeks ago

+5 Vote up Vote down

deleted7410012 111p · 554 weeks ago

my cat is the evenin' breeze touchin' your skin
the gentle, sweet meowin' of catnip in the wind
the purring that calls after you in the night
and bats at your ear in the early moonlight
and cats don't need to wonder, cat's doing fine
my cat, the feline's mine

let cats go craaazy on ya
craaazy on you
let cats go crazy, crazy on you, meooww

+6 Vote up Vote down

celery · 554 weeks ago

I said caaaats
cats cats cats caaaats
cats cats cats cats
cats cats cats
cats cats cats
cats cats cats caaaaaats

1 reply · active 554 weeks ago

+6 Vote up Vote down

angryporcupine 113p · 554 weeks ago

"But there never seems to be enough cats
To do the things you want to do once cats find them"

this seems very profound somehow.

+5 Vote up Vote down

Mike · 554 weeks ago

Mallory, thank you so much for making me feel like I'm not the only person who puts cats in songs.

Personal favourite:

Amazing cat, how sweet the cat...

1 reply · active 554 weeks ago

+11 Vote up Vote down

Sean_Sullivan 142p · 554 weeks ago

Daft Punk is playing with my cat
My cat
They'll tickle yer nose, cat
Tickle yer nose

+23 Vote up Vote down

actualmeg 113p · 554 weeks ago

another caturday night and i ain't got nobody
i got some tuna cause i just got paid
how i wish i had someone to pet me
i'm in an awful way

ETA: Also, I have been known to hold my cat up like Simba while singing "I THROW MY KITTEN IN THE AIR SOMETIMES, SINGING MROW MROW, GOTTA MROW MROW." He...does not appreciate the humor.

+15 Vote up Vote down

Frumiosa 141p · 554 weeks ago

2 replies · active 554 weeks ago

+22 Vote up Vote down

vine fruit 107p · 554 weeks ago

Every kitty (yeaahhhh)
Rock your kitty (yeaahhhh)
Every kitty
Rock your kitty right
CAT STREET'S CAT, ALL RIGHT

+6 Vote up Vote down

highfivesforall 98p · 554 weeks ago

Oh it's a marvelous cat for a cat dance
with the cats up above in your cat
a fantabulous cat to make kittens
neath the cover of October cats

+18 Vote up Vote down

figwiggin 114p · 554 weeks ago

soyyyyy un gatitooooooooo
I'm a kitty babayyyyyy
so why doncha pet mayyyyyyy

+22 Vote up Vote down

theowlofderision 103p · 554 weeks ago

I sing repurposed rock classics to my cat, viz:

TAKE ME DOWN TO THE PURRADISE CITY
WHERE THE TREATS ARE FISH AND THERE'S NIP FOR KITTY
TAAAAAKE
MEEEEEE
HOOOME

Also some old school Bossa Nova:

Small and brown and fat and fluffy
The cat from Ipurrnema goes prowling
And as she's prowling, each cat she passes goes
MEOW

1 reply · active 554 weeks ago

+3 Vote up Vote down

Household_Opera 104p · 554 weeks ago

I wish I'd thought of this one, but I love the cartoon illustration:

My milkshake brings all the cats to the yard
And they're like, "Meow"

+15 Vote up Vote down

superfishely 0p · 554 weeks ago

A friend got us hooked on a similar thing in which you replace the word "love" with "lunch."

Cause what the world needs, is lunch, sweet lunch

No you can't hurry lunch, oh you'll just have to wait

I want your lunch and I want your revenge, you me can make a bad romance

AND IIIIIIIIII WILL ALWAYS LUNCH YOOOUUUUUUUUUU

All you need is lunch. Lunch is all you need

1 reply · active 554 weeks ago

+2 Vote up Vote down

ToTheIsLand 97p · 554 weeks ago

Did anyone else grow up with the "Songs of the Cat" album which had Garrison Keillor and Frederica Von Stade (seriously!) singing a combination of folk songs and classical music with cat-related lyrics? Memories of it can still stop my mom and me dead in our tracks with fits of giggles in the middle of a serious setting (like a church service).

Hallelujah, I'm a cat
Hallelujah, a cat I'm
Hallelujah, pass the sardines, I think it's lunchtime

+5 Vote up Vote down

betsymurgatroyd 81p · 554 weeks ago

My entire life has been validated by this one post. It also makes me feel less weird about writing little ditties that I sing to my cat.

+5 Vote up Vote down

germanrocketcat 110p · 554 weeks ago

I know you really wanna be your own cat
kitty you could never look me in the eye
yeah you buckle with the weight of the words

STOP DRAGGIN MAH, STOP DRAGGIN MAH, STOP DRAGGIN MAH CAT AROUND

Kitties runnin round loose in the world,
ain't got nothin better to do than make a meal out of a bright eyed cat
you need some cat lookin after you

+10 Vote up Vote down

merrite · 554 weeks ago

here I go, here I go, here I go again
Girls, what's my weakness? CATS!

1 reply · active 554 weeks ago

+4 Vote up Vote down

chareth · 554 weeks ago

I'm so glad I'm not the only one who makes up cat-themed lyrics. I invented cat versions for basically every song on Beyonce's latest album. Who could forget such classics as "Kitty Hurts" and "Drunk In Heat"?

+1 Vote up Vote down

Seth · 554 weeks ago

Stray cat strut. I'm a ladies' cat
I'm a feline Casanova, hey

<a href="http://grooveshark.com/s/Stray+Cat+Strut/4H0mwv"><abbr title="Those are the original lyrics, aren't they?">Wait a second...</abbr>

+1 Vote up Vote down

Samk12345 114p · 554 weeks ago

mallory, where is the cats the musical tag? =/

+2 Vote up Vote down

laylapalooza 93p · 554 weeks ago

1. "As Long As You Love Cats" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Gl2QnHNpkA)

Cats don't care who you are (who you aaaaare)
Where you're from (where you're from)
What you did (don't care what you did)
As long as you love cats.

2. "I've Just Seen a Cat" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SbKGsEK_T9g)

I've just seen a cat
I can't forget the time or place when we first met
She's just the cat for me
And I want all the cats to see we've met,
Mmmmm mmmmmmm.

Had it been another cat, I might have looked the other way
And I'd have never been aware
But as it is I'll dream of purrr tonight
Li li li li li

3. "You've Got to Hide Your Cats Away" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jz7IjXu0DfQ)

Here I stand cats in hand
Turn my cats to the wall
If cats are gone I can't go on
Feeling two foot small
Everywhere cats all stare
Each and every day
I can see cats laugh at me
And I hear cats say
HEY!
YOU'VE GOT TO HIDE YOUR CATS AWAY

4. Making Cats Out of Nothing at All (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qEd6QUbK2Mw)

Everytime I see you all the rays of the cats are
Streaming through the cats in your hair
And every cat in the sky is taking aim at
Your eyes like a spotlight
The beating of my heart is a cat, and it's lost
And it's looking for a kitty like you
You can take the darkness at the pit of the cat
And turn into a kitty burning endlessly bright
I've gotta follow it 'cause everything I know
Well, it's nothing 'til I give it to cats

This is my favorite game, that is all.

+5 Vote up Vote down

tinypaperme 106p · 554 weeks ago

Felines
Nothing more than
Felines
Trying to pet my felines with love

Felines
All my life I'll have felines
I wish I had more felines
More will come again

Feeeeeelines! Whoa-oh-oh feeeeeeelines.

+3 Vote up Vote down

draqul · 554 weeks ago

Cat bottomed girls

CAT BOTTOMED GIRLS

I think my lesbosity just reached a whole new level

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