The Eight Types Of People You Meet In Every Office

by Mallory Ortberg · October 28, 2014

officeThe Product Manager Who Fights An Invisible Enemy Every Morning

He’s so funny! Who is he swinging his arms wildly at? Is he screaming silently, or trying desperately to breathe because something is choking him? No one knows, because by the time he joins the office meeting at noon, he’s in no shape to talk about it. (He’s usually very badly beaten!)

The Woman Who Lives Under The Glass In The Copy Machine

Every office has one of these — a woman whose head is only visible when you lift the cover off the copy machine in the morning and see her staring up at you from underneath the glass. How does she fit in there? What is she mouthing silently at you? Nobody knows, but it’s better not to be alone with her for too long.

The Assistant Who Is Slowly And Painfully Turning Into A Giant Bird

You still have one human hand! You can still answer my emails!

That Guy In Marketing Who Disappeared One Day And Came Back…Changed

I don’t want to talk about him. I don’t…I just don’t want to talk about him. Okay?

A Fox That Knows Your Name

Never mind what a fox is doing in the hallways of a mid-level consulting firm — why is the only word in the entire English language it can speak your name? Also, where does it go at night?

Your Boss, Whose Mouth Is Constantly Filling Up With Blood No Matter What She Does

I don’t like working here.

I wish I could leave.

I wish any of us could leave.

I wish that tomorrow would be different.

Your Own Twin, Who Never Speaks, And Who Only Appears In That One Hallway, And Who Has Death In Its Eyes

The real problem is what are you going to do the day your twin doesn’t appear? You’re safe, as long as you see him, but once he disappears, that’s when the trouble starts.

The Flayed Operations Manager

Where is his skin??? What is his jangling ring of keys attached to if he doesn’t have a belt?

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98 Comments

  3. maccrocodile +74

    This is so true! I have to share this with the copy machine guy (it’s a man in my office, but otherwise, spot-on!)

    1. sagerenee +25

      I was just coming to ask that. Actually it’s got to be in Desert Bluffs. So much blood!

  6. rolotomassi5 +45

    So the girl turning into a bird is pretty much Sweet Dee, am I right, guys?

    (Someone give Kaitlin Olson a goddamn award already. Get on it, Internets!)

  7. Sanjay +146

    The page title is “The Nine Types of People You Meet In Every Office” and everywhere else it is eight.

    There’s one type of office person unaccounted for. One missing.

    This is highly disconcerting.

  8. missemish +15

    The person who notices that the tab label says there should be nine types and is not at all tortured by it, nosireebob.

  9. Lily_Rowan +58

    You still have one human hand! You can still answer my emails!

    That’s what I’m screaming.

    1. nopemobile +13

      This is going to be my go-to explanation for any typos/weird lack of capitalization/inappropriate punctuation from coworkers going forward. You have one human hand, I’m just glad you’re answering my emails at all.

      (I believe hyperbole and a half has an explanation of what happens to the emails once the assistant turns ENTIRELY bird)

  10. thewhelk +29

    I assume this is being passed around the SCP offices with lots of bemused sighing.

    Or maybe just that office those Cabin in The Woods people work at.

  11. osutein +72

    “The Woman Who Lives Under The Glass In The Copy Machine”

    I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I would read the hell out of dark fantasy novel written by Mallory.

  12. alex_geedee +53

    I DID NOT SEE MY TWIN WHO HAS DEATH IN HER EYES THIS MORNING WHAT DO I DO WHAT DO I DO.

  13. winterbymorning +287

    This seems like an appropriate place to mention that I finally worked up the nerve to open the mysterious door in the hallway near my desk, only to find that behind it is another, smaller door.

    (whoa I didn’t expect it to be this huge sorry about that)

      1. winterbymorning +186

        TRUE STORY: when I went back to see if I could open the smaller door, I found that the bigger one had been closed again, and locked. Obviously someone does not want me to find out the truth!

        9. Unreadaethel +28

          Never go near that door again. Never think about that door. Do not try to discover its secrets. Your ignorance is the only reason you are still alive and in possession of all of your extremities.*

          *unless you were already missing one or more extremities. The Door will only take more of them.

    2. alex_geedee +78

      I feel like if you go through the smaller door you might Become John Malkovich. Proceed with caution.

        1. Unreadaethel +20

          More whimsical* scenario: you open the small door, behind which you find a still-smaller door. This continues until you reach a door small enough for, perhaps, a small, frail child. You open this to find a blank wall, which may or may not be bleeding.

          *I swear to god, I tried to make that scenario whimsical, but the eldritch horror just happened anyway.

    7. alex_geedee +45

      WAIT – new theory: if you go through that door you will be in a dead end hallway and will have to struggle for a while before going back through the door you entered; then you will be in a new hallway with a much smaller door that will open to reveal a giant chocolate factory and Gene Wilder. Ugh, I’m so jealous of you.

    9. bibliobotic +43

      I don’t mean to alarm you, but I think you should leave that building immediately and never go back.

    13. Ordinarily +37

      What scares me is that there’s no doorknob on the inside of the big door. Don’t shut it behind you!

    14. tenyaluna +11

      This reminds me of once upon a time, I was told to drop off some paperwork in an office I didn’t know the location of, and got some vague “oh it is down that second hall on the first floor if you kind of make a left and then go straight and right and another right” directions, so of course end up hopelessly lost, and ended up down a short hallway without a light and a door at the end with ominous clicking noises behind it… I thought “this is how people die in horror movies” and decided to head in the complete opposite direction. I did eventually find the office on the complete other side of the building.

        1. queenofbithynia +39

          I was going to say, better be careful because the flayed man needs a new skin suit and guess who’s just walking around the office with all her skin on like she owns the place

          boasting about it on the internet even

          1. houblonchouffe +14

            He can have the keys. I’ll give him the keys. He can manage operations without skin just fine.

            I mean, it’s easier with skin

            that’s why he needs mine oh dear god what have i done

          2. queenofbithynia +22

            oh just divert him before it comes to that. you know who doesn’t need skin is interns. they got so many organs they haven’t learned to use yet. youth is wasted on the young. youth and other parts.

          3. houblonchouffe +15

            he could go to the library next door
            it’s full of old people
            their skin is looser anyway, easier to deal with

  16. sausagedog +56

    Ughh my Silent Twin is out sick this week and I don’t feel so hot myself, but I feel like people expect me to pick up her workload in addition to me own? I’d bring this up with my manager but I think the invisible enemy gave him the flu, too. More experienced Toasties, how do you guys assert yourself in this situation??

    1. Ballerina Dentata +57

      If the flayed operations manager is in, try to detach his keys from his flesh. Unlock the Mirror Door to the basement and look for a very old music box. Wind up the box, and recite the incantation burned onto the wood in time with the music. If all goes as planned an Ancient One should arise and bestow harsh judgment on all who reside there. Good luck! 🙂

        1. Ballerina Dentata +8

          Huzzah! If only I could access my IntenseDebate account on my work computer and preserve my victory until time immemorial!

    2. silverandsnow +28

      Unless already agreed upon by you, your coworker, and your boss that you are to cover her workload, DO NOTHING. If someone has a SPECIFIC request and you have the time/knowledge to comply then go ahead. In my experience, the person who takes on extra work without being asked only ends up with too much work. And stress. With nothing extra to show for it.

      Or, Ballerina Dentata’s plan might work. Wish I’d known that ritual while at my former workplace.

  17. Sif +6

    definitely want jenny holzer to come do an installation in front of my companies windows. glass buildings, man. ugh the 90s.

  18. whizzdumb +8

    I think it’s safe to assume that that guy in marketing didn’t just get a nice haircut on his lunch break.

  20. queenofbithynia +113

    remember if you read one of those and you are like “ugh at least I don’t have THAT one in my office” that means it is you.

    1. sneftel +13

      Oh man, tell me about it. People get SO defensive when you try to politely explain to them that they’re turning into a giant bird! It’s like, stop trying to make this about ME!

  21. Frumiosa +54

    The Woman Who Fucks Her Life Away on the Internet

    She flees from the pressures of her job by endlessly searching for meaning on buzzfeed until she one day she finds that it has eaten her soul entirely.

  22. badmuthahydra +18

    Blech. I work at a Cenobite NPO (well, unless you count human souls as ‘profit’) and I am just about DONE.

    I can’t even tell you how many phones I’ve had to replace this year because my pinheaded boss never remembers to put them on loudspeaker.

  23. thedaela +36

    That Guy Who Always Breathes Through His Mouth

    Because his mouth is a gill-shaped organ. Somehow the gills behind his ears just aren’t good enough. This guy, amirite?

  24. nopemobile +15

    At my office there’s a marketing (ok technically sales, I feel it still counts) guy who’s already been missing for 6 or 7 weeks. Another team has taken over his office; I can’t even remember the last time anyone got an email from him. Before reading this article I was looking forward to seeing him again, but now I not going to be around when he comes back. Heck no.

  25. gregm91436 +5

    This is amazing. I work in an office but it’s too boring. I did, however, once write a novella called “StrangeOffice” where a new employee starts and the first thing they do is sacrifice a goat.

  26. queenofbithynia +43

    The Woman Who Lives Under The Glass In The Copy Machine

    speculation: if you have a haunted copy machine this is what happens to you when you get drunk at the office holiday party and decide to photocopy your boobs

    that’s why every office has one

    1. Unreadaethel +88

      “Oh, we don’t disturb Mother. Mother doesn’t like to be disturbed while she’s resting.”

    2. QuinonaNox +4

      “Do not rouse the Machine Mother. All incidents must be reported to HR immediately to begin cleansing rites and paperwork.”

  28. QuinonaNox +23

    The Guy Who, When You Get Too Close, Fills Your Ears With Disembodied Screams of Terror

    My desk is next to his. You tune it out after a while.

  29. literaltrousersnake +17

    Your Boss, Whose Mouth Is Constantly Filling Up With Blood No Matter What She Does

    That poor woman. I’m sorry her wisdom teeth removal went so poorly, so often, and how they keep… growing back. Where does she keep them all?

  30. jennlynnster +27

    There’s also the old man that refuses to retire. He remembers how it used to be and how it could be again. He might be a time traveler. He is ancient and terrible.

  31. gripyfish +40

    “Do we need any more mannequins or are there enough in the basement?” is apparently a common (if terrifying) question when you work at a design school. Also “Do they need their heads?” and “Put it in the corner with the tentacles.”, apparently.

  35. twoburgers +33

    The sad fact is that even if I were slowly and painfully turning into a giant bird, people *would* still ask me to schedule them meetings.

    1. jennlynnster +13

      Or why didn’t you schedule them before you began the bird transformation process? You knew you were going to become a bird, right? #solidarity

  37. rolotomassi5

    I just assume some nightmare House of Leaves scenario and run the other direction as fast as I can.

  39. RebTree +6

    This is excellent and also makes me miss “A Letter from Chris Kimball.” What happened to him? Did the children take him?? Was that the end?

  40. JEReich1 +5

    I am somewhat convinced that each of these tidbits is actually a synopsis for a short story concocted by either Karen Russell or Chris Adrian, written on an index card and stored away in a super secret file cabinet, that one day either she or he will write. SOMEWHAT convinced.