I MISS MY SPINAL CORD

We bought my mom a laptop for Christmas last year and helped her set it up. She was having trouble getting to her email, though. I found this phrase typed into the google search bar : "MY EMAIL"

Pretty much all of my lipstick is something my mom bought and decided against. I never wear lipstick, so it's just an elaborate ruse where I hold it in a drawer for 2+ years and then throw it away, but she never has to feel wasteful. It's the least I can do.

My mother constantly sends me videos from MSN.com and the screen is either completely blank or the link just goes to the MSN homepage, EVERY TIME. And every time I email her back and say "The video didn't load," and every single time she emails me back and goes, "Oh, sorry. Are you cranky? You sound cranky."

Holy crap, between "I miss my spinal cord" and "did you mean: 'clinique samples'" i'm about to laugh/cry over here.

Since I recently smashed off part of my finger during an accident in a weightroom*, I worry that I'm going to be a permanent Moogle search result for "why women shouldn't lift heavy things" for my mother and every mother in my extended family with the exception of my sister, who is apparently married to a man who has butchered his fingers extensively over the years.

o_O

*do not let this scare you off of barbells, none of them were involved in this accident.

I'm fairly sure that my mother's internet only connects to cruise related websites.

I thought I was the only one with the mother who was the compulsive article clipper. She does this even after more than one conversation asking, "So did you want this," and I say no. And the Clinique stuff. Since I've been saying no for the past 30 years, she offers it only occasionally now.

Although this is utterly different from my own Mom-related experience*, it is nonetheless wonderful.

*My Moogle would have a feature that recognizes any song you are currently humming and then starts singing along at full volume. It would also have a feature that automatically refilled my wineglass while Doctor Who is on.

I am intrigued by this whole "Jewish correspondent for a Christian humor magazine." I could do that.

I'd send this to my mom to make her laugh, but I'm afraid she'd be genuinely distraught that Safeari Adventures aren't a real thing.

My mom has fully embraced the internet circa 2004. She spends a large amount of her time on eBay and Facebook, where she messages me to make sure I got her text messages. eBay she mostly uses to find Muppets memorabilia, but she does very nicely send me new non-slip waitressing shoes when she finds them, since as a fellow waitress she knows the value of a good pair.

The Clinique moisturizers! It was Mary Kay products in our house. The fact that it was so prolific actually drove me away from makeup for awhile, only to lead to my current state of not knowing how to properly apply makeup to this day.

I actually just got a Clinique bonus from my mom recently! I get so excited about them. Not sure why after so many years... But they always bring me happiness, maybe because I remember being a little kid and getting all excited about makeup.

...Kupo?

(I'm sorry.)

(I'm not really sorry.)

My main takeaway from this article is that I should suggest my Mom switch to Clinique in hopes of bonus gifts in the future.

My mom recently graduated to Estee Lauder, and now so have I! But only at free sample time, because that is as much makeup as I need.

My mother expects the internet to move at the approximate speed of thought, and will often click on something 125 times while waiting for a page to load.

Several years back, this searing impatience resulted in her purchasing 9 Sephora e-gift cards simultaneously for my sister's birthday, and then shrieking that the website "KEEPS SENDING ME SPAM!!!!" when she was emailed all of her purchase reciepts. Then, upon checking her bank account, lost her mind over how Sephora stole her identity.

I just. Ma.

My mom doesn't have the internet. Or a cell phone. They laugh at me for doing things like checking the traffic overlay on google maps before heading out for the long drive home from their place, because why wouldn't I just listen to the radio and wait for a traffic report like normal people?

Also, I think this writer is amazing both for the story, but also that bio.

My mom calls me the Pony Express because she doesn't have internet at her apartment and so relies on me for news of the world when I come over for dinner (usually once a week). My most recent visits have included explanations of #Gamergate and "Too Many Cooks." I love my mother.

I just cry-laughed through this whole thing. Can you please do this every month? PLEASE

Ha! I get "Goblin sends her love." Goblin is a cat who most definitely does NOT send her love. Maybe some vague disdain if she even remembers me, since I live 3000 miles away and they adopted her after I moved out.

I made the rather dreadful mistake of getting my mom a password manager because her passwords were AWFUL. I set it up for her. Walked her through set up and use three times. Have reminded her how to use it at least three more (twice from memory of the site over my phone). Now she blames me by extension every time something goes wrong with it. Doesn't matter if it was operator error. Sigh.

Never again. I love my mom, but NEVER AGAIN.

My dad is a sort of a DIY techie early adopter type, and Mum's a top-notch typist, so computers were always around in my youth. I have a very vivid memory of once visiting my mum in the computer room while she was typing a Very Important Document, and pressing the Big Red Button on the keyboard that we had been EXPLICITLY told at every junction not to touch. Memory doesn't extend to what happened afterwards...

I've often wondered what the Big Red Button was for, and whether my memory of it being on the keyboard is accurate, or if I just pressed the power switch on the computer itself after having it pointed out to me as a Thing Not To Do. Either way, my mum doesn't get mad very often, but I'm fairly certain that was one of the times.