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Home: The Toast

Previously in this series: Autumnal Shower

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To: Nicole; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Katie; Morgan L.; Jen
From: Ali
Date: November 20, 2014
Subject: Friendsgiving

Hi Ladies!! 

Can you believe it’s November already? I feel like just yesterday we were picking apples and feeling like we had the world at our fingertips. This holiday season is crazy already, between all the travel, galas, and regattas. I just wanted to write to my ~girls~ and tell you how much your friendship and support has meant to be this year. I am thankful for each and every one of you! Even Katie, although she is the worst at liking my instagrams ;) As Alanis said, “thank you frailty, thank you consequence, thank you, thank you silence.” I am most thankful this year for how well Jake Gyllenhaal has aged and also for my friendships, which I plan to cultivate much more in the New Year.

I am focused on clean and holistic living for the rest of 2014, but if anyone wants to do some pre-Thanksgiving vacay mani/pedi/Brazilian (blowouts/waxes) before Wednesday let me know! I’m just really looking forward to some R&R. But also I might be hitting up some bar the night before Thanksgiving and might be running into someone from high school that I heard is recently divorced, so I am planning a revenge fantasy of making Jeff want me, then brutally rejecting him, then going back home for clean living and gluten-free Thanksgiving. Anywho, let me know if anyone’s down!

Xo! Ali

“I clench his hands to the point of pain. “Stay with me.”
His pupils contract to pinpoints, dilate again rapidly, and then return to something resembling normalcy. “Always,” he murmurs.”
Suzanne Collins, Mockingjay

To: Nicole; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Katie; Ali.; Jen
From: Morgan
Date: November 20, 2014
Subject: Friendsgiving

This is SUCH a nice email Al! I like the idea of everyone emailing everyone else and saying what they’re thankful for! Personally I am really thankful for the free seltzer at my office, and that’s probably it for right now. 

In terms of NBT aka night before thanksgiving AKA thanksgiving eve, i’m sorry to say that I won’t be here. My dad bought me a flight home (yay daddy’s girl forever haha!) and I’m leaving Monday. I saw a post on Buzzfeed about doing a friendsgiving? Is anyone interested in this? was thinking we could skip the food and just go out for tequila shots? hahah I love the holidays!

I also don’t know if anyone recalls but I will NOT be going out the night before tgiving in my hometown and that is mostly because I do not want to run the risk of seeing Jacob, my high school ex. I keyed his car in 2001 and I’m almost positive he knows it was me. What’s the statute of limitations on a crime like that? I’ve been listening to too much Serial.

Good luck with Jeff, Ali! Don’t wear your pleather leggings, guys can’t handle those (in like, a bad way).

Morgan


To: Morgan; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Katie; Ali.; Jen
From: Nicole
Date: November 20, 2014
Subject: Friendsgiving

Do you think your dad can buy me a flight home too??? HAHA jk….

….a little…

love ya,

Nicole

PS – Ali I am game for WHATEVER


To: Morgan; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Katie; Nicole.; Jen
From: Ali
Date: November 20, 2014
Subject: Friendsgiving 

Hi Ladies!

I honestly have neither the emotional nor logistical bandwidth to plan a Friendsgiving feast this year. Also, trying to bring my BMI way down before Wednesday, and I’d really appreciate your support. Not all of us are all about the bass, you know. I’m on day 1 of a juice cleanse and I feel like I’m shedding SO many toxins already. I also feel pretty cranky and depressed but it could be cause I’ve been listening to “Stay” by Rihanna on repeat on Spotify.

I really appreciate your honesty in regards to my pleather leggings. Is it easy to hear? No. Is it good for me? Yes. Am I looking at those almonds in my desk with longing and a visceral hunger? Sure. Will I look fierce by Wednesday? Definitely.

Can everyone stop what they are doing and send me outfit options???? I want something that says “Oh. Hey Jeff. I forgot you were going to be here tonight. Weird. What’s that? Yeah, I just look this effortlessly fierce all the time, thanks.”

Also – according to his Twitter he is really into the “news.” Can someone brief me on news??

Love ya bbs!

Ali 

“There’s no place I’d rather be” – Clever Bandit

 *

To: Morgan; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Ali; Nicole.; Jen
From: Katie
Date: November 20, 2014
Subject: Friendsgiving

Hey Ladies,

Ali – I’ve taken the liberty of creating a few Pinterest boards for outfit options. I feel like this is what I can do for you in lieu of being available for brazilian waxes and also, it also sort of validates my talents in the social media environment. You can get me back whenever. The first board is called “Cute Flannel,” and you’ll see I’ve pointed out a few cute flannel shirts. I also feel like floppy hats deserve their own board but it really depends what you do with your hair so, obv, I made a board for your hair.

I’ve invited everyone via email to join the boards so everyone can add. Your success with Jeff is ours, also, if you guys communicate via text at all, can you send me screenshots? I’m looking for something on-brand with Thanksgiving eve that could also potentially go viral. This goes for everyone. I can source you if you provide images, of course…

As for me, I’m kind of stressed about going home and seeing my mother so I’ve been attending daily therapy appointments and two-a-day yoga classes. My goal is to really harness my chi and find a safe zone within myself to get to quickly if I panic. But if everyone could leave your phones on throughout the holiday week that would be helpful. I’ll send emergency snapchats.

Also, i don’t mean to be crazy about this but when I post think pieces to Facebook it helps if you “like” them. A lot of times I don’t read them myself but it’s really good to have an opinion on other people’s opinions. I mean, this is probably what Jeff does, if you’re looking to be briefed on the “news.” Just read a few grafs (journo speak) from some of the links I put on Facebook, you guys, I just don’t get why you want to make life sheltered for yourselves.

Katie


To: Morgan; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Ali; Nicole.; Katie
From: Jen
Date: November 20, 2014
Subject: Friendsgiving
 
Hey Ladies, 

It’s so cute that you are all going out to party and get cray cray before the holidays. Honestly when I was single (so long ago!) this is what I did, too. This year Brad and I are going to snuggle up, make a fire, and watch some Christmas movies. I know married life seems so boring but it’s just an amazing feeling to be with the one you love on holidays. It’s like…I just can’t explain the feeling. One day you’ll all get it!!!!!!! And then you’ll be like Jen, you were right!! and I’ll be like yeah I know.

Katie, I am adding a few things to your Pinterest boards for Ali. Ali do you want me to lend you some of my going out tops??? I have no use for them anymore (hahah Brad gets so jeal when I dress hot, so sweet!) so you are welcome to them! Plus I’m going through a really big oversized sweater phase. I’ve also started collecting cute dishes. One of my fav bloggers inspired me.

XO, Jen


To: Morgan; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Ali; Jen.; Katie
From: Nicole
Date: November 20, 2014
Subject: Friendsgiving

If you are getting rid of going out tops, I want some!

Nicole

To: Morgan; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Nicole; Jen.; Katie
From: Ali
Date: November 20, 2014
Subject: Friendsgiving 

Hi Ladies!

Katie, thank you soooo much for creating on-theme Pinterest boards. My only teeny tiny ish is I would literally never wear a floppy  hat. Maybe those are bigger in Westchester, but we have a totally different type of aesthetic in Connecticut. Check out GOOP for inspiration.

I will obvs screenshot all of our texts, and need everyone avail to me 24/7 during the holiday break. If things go well, would any of you be free to come to Greenwich for a pre-Thanksgiving brunch so I can recap our night?? Or should we do a google hang?? I’m so excited!!! Does anyone have xanax?? I wonder what Jeff and I will get each other for Christmas?? Do you think he’s a Blue Apron guy?? Do you think he’d move to New York for me??

Jen, thank you for the offer of going out tops! Are they small or extra small?? One of my resolutions for 2014 was to get in shape, so I have a  month left to accomplish all my goals (besides becoming fluent in the Quebecian dialect of French), and I’d really appreciate your support.

Katie, I really don’t have time to skim the news – can you just give me a topline?? Something is happening with Ashton Kutcher and Uber right? Is ISIS still happening?

Does anyone wanna meet up after work for some girl talk/colonics?? 

Love!

Ali


To: Morgan; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Nicole; Jen.; Katie; Ali
From: Ash
Date: November 20, 2014
Subject: Friendsgiving

Ali,

GOOP is out, Blake Lively’s Preserve.Us is IN (and she’s from Westchester!!) 

Ash

PS – I love floppy hats!!! I am trying not to feel offended by your comment but it’s really hard to ignore. Can you contact me for a one-on-one to flesh this out?


To: Morgan; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Jen.; Katie; Ali; Ash
From: Nicole
Date: November 20, 2014
Subject: Friendsgiving 

I’m on Ash’s side. That was really insensitive. 

That said, to save some money, I’d totally give you a homemade colonic if you wanna come over later!! We could give them to each other lol?

xx

Nicole


To: Morgan; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Jen.; Nicole; Ali; Ash
From: Katie
Date: November 20, 2014
Subject: Friendsgiving

What’s a homemade colonic entail….????

Katie


To: Morgan; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Jen.; Nicole; Katie; Ash
From: Ali
Date: November 26, 2014
Subject: Friendsgiving

Sorry for not writing back. I’ve been SoulCycling, shopping, and waxing non-stop. Nicole — can you send me an RFP for the homemade colonic night for when we’re back though?

Jen — you are so lucky all this is behind you. Are you nervous about all your relatives at Thanksgiving asking about when you are gonna start trying for a baby?? It’s like — that’s none of their business, lol. But yeah, when are you planning on getting pregnant? You guys have been married almost a year and a half, and it doesn’t seem like you’re super leaning in to you career. I think you guys should start trying now, so you can have a summer baby and we can do a late spring baby shower!!! LMK if you need fertility app suggestions.

Anyhoo — I’m at the airport right now, I’ve already taken two xanaxes and I’m on my second Chili’s Too Mango-rita. I’m so excited for tonight!!!!!

Love! Ali


To: Morgan; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Jen.; Ali; Katie; Ash
From: Nicole
Date: November 26, 2014
Subject: Friendsgiving 

Happy Thanksgiving Eve!!!! Have you guys been listening to Cereal?? Are you all deleting Uber cause of feminism?? Should we take Lyfts? Do you want my code so I can get free rides?? YAY!!!! (I am so druuuuuuunk right now) I love Thanksgiving Eve and my bbs!!!!

xoxo Nic


To: Morgan; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Jen.; Ali; Nicole; Ash
From: Katie
Date: November 26, 2014
Subject: Friendsgiving

Can everyone please remember to send me your potential viral content? I have to work Thanksgiving day (so busy!) and would really like to scoop the rest of the digital media world (haha lmk if you don’t know wtf i’m talking about)

Katie


To: Morgan; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Jen.; Ali; Nicole; Katie
From: Ash
Date: November 26, 2014
Subject: Friendsgiving

I can live-tweet a fake conversation and you can write an article on it and then we can go viral?? Is that how this works? So fun!

Ash

ps- Ali, its already midnight HOW IS YOUR NIGHT GOING TELL ME EVERYTHINGGGGGGGG

To: Morgan; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Ash.; Ali; Nicole; Katie
From: Jen
Date: November 27, 2014
Subject: Friendsgiving 

I woke up (went to bed at 9, B and I were sooo tired!) to check in and see what is going on with you, Al…CHECK IN???? – JEN

To: Morgan; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Ash.; Jen; Nicole; Katie
From: Ali
Date: November 27, 2014
Subject: Friendsgiving

Hiiii bbs!

So Jeff looooks sooo cute! I luuuv him so much! I kept pretending I didn’t notice him, then I went up to him and said all seductive that our relationship reminds me of The Fault in Our Stars. I only saw the trailer but they seemed so cute and in love! He’s still talking to Molly and has been for hours, hahha classic The Game. It is ON


To: Ali; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Ash.; Jen; Nicole; Katie
From: Morgan
Date: November 27, 2014
Subject: Friendsgiving

OMG…what you need to do now is walk back and forth a few times and glare at Molly. Guys love when girls fight over them. Spill a drink on her!!!

Morgan


To: Ali; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Morgan.; Jen; Nicole; Katie
From: Ash
Date: November 27, 2014
Subject: Friendsgiving 

This is so cute!! Super Ross and Rachel!!!

Ash


To: Ali; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Morgan.; Jen; Ash; Katie
From: Nicole
Date: November 27, 2014
Subject: Friendsgiving

Hi Ladies!

This is so crazy! So last night I met this guy who graduated like five years before me, and he’s one of the co-founders of this app that just got bought. He kept talking about VD investors and how his app just got bought. VD — Katie, what does this mean??! I hope he doesn’t have like, crabs or something. Anyway, he’s so cute! 

We’re going out when we’re back in NY!!!!! I just facebook friended him, so can everyone login now and tell me if I am prettier than his ex-gfs?? I’m so excited!!!!

xx, Nic


To: Ali; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Morgan.; Jen; Ash; Nicole
From: Katie
Date: November 27, 2014
Subject: Friendsgiving 

It’s VC and I’ll send you a one-pager about it later. Also I’ve read a few articles about him and he seems pretty douchey!!! But they always say men will change for the right woman so I wouldn’t worry.

K


To: Katie; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Morgan.; Jen; Ash; Nicole
From: Ali
Date: November 27, 2014
Subject: Friendsgiving

Hi Ladies,

So Jeff ended up leaving with Molly — which is so all’s well that end’s well. I can’t believe I did this — but I hooked up last night!!!!!! With one of my dad’s recently divorced friends. I am such a Padma. Do you think I should tell my parents during Thanksgiving dinner that we’re not dating?? Do you think he’ll text? Wait. Do Baby Boomers know what texting is?? 

OMG what if I’m a step-mom?? That seems like a really fun relationship that usually isn’t too complicated, cause the kids usually love you and don’t resent you right??

Please advise. I am such a Catherine Zeta Jones Douglas.

Ali!


To: Katie; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Ali.; Jen; Ash; Nicole
From: Morgan
Date: November 27, 2014
Subject: Friendsgiving

Omg they always say older men are sensual love-makers. Did you feel really like, connected? Did you make eye contact? Did you think about your dad????

Morgan


To: Katie; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Morgan.; Jen; Ash; Nicole
From: Ali
Date: November 27, 2014
Subject: Friendsgiving 

Ladies,

OMG it was so connected! Like crying (me) and setting the mood with CNBC in the background (him). I was picturing Jeff during only 80% of it. Should I text first?? Do older men know about emojis??? It’s just so refreshing to meet a guy who is looking for a true partner — why else would you date a woman significantly younger, right!

PLEASE ADVISE!!!

Katie — I need you in particular. I know you know about older men cause you dated like a million TAs in college.

Ali


To: Ali; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Morgan.; Jen; Ash; Nicole
From: Katie
Date: November 27, 2014
Subject: Friendsgiving 

Okay hold on I’m on deadline and then I’ll email you back after I file. Also CNBC????? hmmmmm……

K


To: Katie, Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Morgan.; Jen; Ash; Nicole
From: Ali
Date: November 27, 2014
Subject: Friendsgiving

Hey Ladies!

I’ve never dated a baby boomer — should I get him something from the SkyMall catalog for Christmas??

Please email me back by EOD if you would like to me organize our holiday soiree this year! I’ll price out some private rooms in the Meatpacking!!!

SO glad Thanksgiving is behind us!!

YAY DECEMBER!!!!!

<3 Ali 

ps – Nicole can you please stop emailing me about the at-home colonic idea? I like you, just not like that lol

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Caroline Moss is the deputy editor of culture at Tech Insider. She's also written for the New York Times and Cosmopolitan. She's tweeted over 100,000 times. Michelle Markowitz is a comedy writer, storyteller, and bachelorette party apologist in New York. She can be found subtweeting Cory Booker @michmarkowitz.

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