Notes On Other Household Appliances From William Carlos Williams -The Toast

Notes On Other Household Appliances From William Carlos Williams

ByDaniel Mallory Ortberg

on January 8, 2015 in Poetry

I have visited this well before.

the dishwasher is broken
which we kept under the sink
i tried starting it but it makes that
thwumpa-thwumpa sound
i have left the dishes in the sink
which you were probably hoping
to use for dinner
i would wash them myself but
they never seem to get as clean
as when you do them
probably because i do a purposefully half-hearted job of scrubbing
in order to get you
to do it
without asking me
for help
-wcw

we are out of toilet paper
but instead of buying more
i plan on tearing
strips
of paper towels
and laying them carefully over the old toilet paper roll
(which i will not throw away)
i will do this indefinitely
until you buy more toilet paper
-wcw

i have hit START on the clothes in the dryer
which were already finished drying
but which
i did not wish to fold
this way
when you get home
it will sound like they have just finished drying
and you will be the one to fold them
-wcw

i have intentionally lowered my standard of living
so that when you say things like
“this place is a mess”
rather than acknowledge your implicit request
for acknowledgement
and respect
and help
i can simply grunt
half-heartedly
neither agreeing
nor disagreeing
and not having
to do anything
knowing that you will do the work necessary to make yourself happy
-wcw

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.

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+109 Vote up Vote down

aravisthequeen 134p · 533 weeks ago

I can't tell if this is "Asshole Roommate Poetry" or another edition in Mallory's famed "Woe, I am a man and cannot be expected to do humble chores, I am a special snowflake among all humanity for loathing housework, my wife is simply so much better at it because our cavemen ancestors something something [head explodes]"

Here I shall boast about my husband because I do all the cooking and he washes all the dishes. All of them. I have not washed a dish in YEARS except when he is gone away and it is GLORIOUS. He doesn't whine or complain, just does it, better than I do, and he gets all excited when he finds a new dishwashing implement (like our self-dispensing soap brush).

28 replies · active 533 weeks ago

+35 Vote up Vote down

dorianneemmerton 111p · 533 weeks ago

I have lived with Men, I know this to be accurate poetry. So I suppose "accuracy" and "poetry" aren't mutually exclusive concepts after all.

+17 Vote up Vote down

Danielle B. · 533 weeks ago

AAAAAUUUUUGGGHHHHHH the passive-aggresiveness just skitters down my back like a solitary beetle has been dropped down my shirt. Resulting explosion as well.

+217 Vote up Vote down

Frumiosa 141p · 533 weeks ago

OH MY GOD MALLORY he ate the plums like ONE TIME

3 replies · active 533 weeks ago

+61 Vote up Vote down

littlehuntingcreek 135p · 533 weeks ago

These are from Mallory's upcoming book, "Poems of Male Privilege"

1 reply · active 533 weeks ago

+47 Vote up Vote down

damanoid 134p · 533 weeks ago

For all I know, William Carlos Williams may have lived an otherwise sterling life; but this is immaterial. I may know little to nothing of poet laureates, but I know much of horrible roommates, and Williams evokes them perfectly with his one poem about eating someone else's plums and then gloating about it. He evokes them so perfectly that I want to punch him forever.

1 reply · active 533 weeks ago

+12 Vote up Vote down

doublehoagie 100p · 533 weeks ago

When I lived alone, I did things because no one else would. Now that I have a husband, I do things because otherwise it wouldn't be fair to get mad at him for not doing the things that I don't want to do either. Although I did snap at him like a French waiter earlier to close the window whilst I sat on the couch doing nothing. And I make requests for more tea only after he's sat down.

2 replies · active 533 weeks ago

+10 Vote up Vote down

dupreema 118p · 533 weeks ago

Somewhat tempted to try that dryer trick, except I never get home first :\.

2 replies · active 533 weeks ago

+50 Vote up Vote down

thebellewitch 122p · 533 weeks ago

I have done
The dinner clean-up
Except, inexplicably
one lemon rind on a cutting board
Which I will leave you to deal with
After a full day of watching the baby and working while she slept.

(My husband is pretty damn good you guys and probably does not deserve my anonymous mockery on the Internet but GODDAMMIT JUST FINISH THE JOB)

(Full disclosure, his pet peeve about me is I don't put the new toilet paper roll on the holder, so I am also a monster.)

11 replies · active 533 weeks ago

+95 Vote up Vote down

winterbymorning 133p · 533 weeks ago

My absolute favourite WCW parody to date hails from Tumblr and is in my opinion the crown jewel of the Spiders Georg meme. I can't find it among my liked posts but it went something like this:

this is just to say
I have eaten the spiders
that were in my cave
and which you were probably counting
for statistical purposes
forgive me
I am an outlier
and should not have been counted.

3 replies · active 533 weeks ago

+55 Vote up Vote down

paddlepickle 119p · 533 weeks ago

Once when I lived with my best guy friend, I went away for the weekend and we were out of toilet paper. I came back after the weekend and we were still out. I asked how he had been pooping all weekend and he said "Oh. . .I guess I've just been waiting till I go out places". He found it more convenient to only poop at restaurants than to buy toilet paper. MEN.

1 reply · active 533 weeks ago

+8 Vote up Vote down

benwolfson 121p · 533 weeks ago

I have been longing for a Toast thread where I could post the following link!!!! Here is the link:
http://thesearejusttosay.tumblr.com/

it is "This Is Just To Say" multiply rewritten on the models of other poems (sonnets and ballads and whatnot).

+37 Vote up Vote down

FreezinginChicago · 533 weeks ago

So much depends
upon

Not doing the
dishes

Covered with old
food

In the full
sink

1 reply · active 533 weeks ago

+5 Vote up Vote down

ljndawson 111p · 533 weeks ago

My partner and I have to eat different meals each night because I have health issues and his daughter won't eat any of my food (whole grain pastas, tofu, etc). So I cook for me and he cooks for them. He washes all the dishes because I generally don't make a mess. I do the laundry and fold it, but he puts his and his daughter's away. We have a cleaning lady so we don't fight over chores. And when the dog-hair tumbleweeds get too thick, whoever's bothered by it the most does it.

Pretty chill.

7 replies · active 533 weeks ago

+17 Vote up Vote down

soinavoice · 533 weeks ago

Both my flatmate and I do numbers 1, 2, and 4, which is why we have the filthiest and most harmonious flat in the East End. The secret to being a disgusting slob without being a douche about: live exclusively with other disgustingly slobbish persons.

3 replies · active 533 weeks ago

+72 Vote up Vote down

seapartridge 105p · 533 weeks ago

thank you for reminding me that this exists:

Married to the Sea

1 reply · active 533 weeks ago

+20 Vote up Vote down

amanita 110p · 533 weeks ago

So I don't think a man should have to be tricked into doing chores, but hey I will take what works and our house has not been cleaner since we started playing habitRPG. My dude can buy now fancy armor with the gold he earns from mopping the floors and folding laundry? Those floors STAY clean. Also maybe I have to be tricked into doing chores, too, because now I have a pet dragon and a pet wolf and glorious lady armor and I love it.

7 replies · active 533 weeks ago

+7 Vote up Vote down

RoseCamelia 123p · 533 weeks ago

Powdered sugar on the floor - any food bits on the floor, really - this is what dogs are for.

1 reply · active 533 weeks ago

+9 Vote up Vote down

thedaela 124p · 533 weeks ago

According to this I am A Man? I don't really do chores. My husband cooks, washes the dishes, takes out the trash, and picks up my clothes.

But I'm not passive-aggressive about it! So maybe I'm just doing really well at Womaning.

+4 Vote up Vote down

mayalowy 0p · 533 weeks ago

If y'all liked these, check out the Koch parody, which will always be my favorite: http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/248446

+14 Vote up Vote down

Bryan Rasmussen · 533 weeks ago

This is just to say,
Can you lay off about the plums,
It's been years and anything
I do wrong
Leads back to those plums
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm Sorry!

And the worst thing is
I had diarrhea for the rest of that day
And I think it was the plums,
those goddamn plums.
Why does so much seem to depend on those Plums.

+6 Vote up Vote down

Danielle B. · 533 weeks ago

I would be afraid this would be his last roomie note, taped to the door:

this is just to say

I have keyed your car
which is outside
it was clean
and so smooth
(& I was sick of
hearing about the plums,
I mean, damn.)

0 Vote up Vote down

Tlexochtli · 533 weeks ago

genius

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