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Home: The Toast

It’s important to be very rich but have almost no items in your home. This will confuse vengeful spirits that come looking to destroy your possessions.

Also, if you have too many items in your home, helpful ghosts may be unable to find you, as clutter interferes with their echolocation.

Have you ever owned anything? This is why you cannot forgive any of your former lovers. Things like “having chairs” is preventing you from living your best life, and also you should throw away any item of clothing you’re not currently wearing. If it’s not on your skin, you don’t really love it, do you?

I am going to teach you how to get rid of clutter and live so abundantly that you will disgorge fruits and sheaves of wheat and minimalist mid-century furniture with clean lines every time you open your mouth. Urchins will caper after you in the street in a perfect spiral pattern. Your life will become so abundant, you’ll be like a human gift basket from Harry and David – the one with the spiral tower of chocolate-dipped pears.

Kitchen

  • How many of the spices lining your pantry have you ever actually used? “Most of them?” Get rid of them. Every one. If you’re not using a spice right now, it’s not important. Your lymph nodes should be covered in turmeric 100% of the time, but you don’t even know where the lids to your Tupperware containers are, do you? Look at the moon. That’s all of the spice you need.
  • How many of your spoons produce deep joy and fulfillment in you when you eat groats with them? Two, at most. Give the rest away on the street while dressed in strips of linen and crying hysterically. Hold the remaining two spoons against your belly and laugh as hard as you can. Harder than that. Spoons should make you laugh from your knees.
  • What’s in your kitchen cabinets? Pots and pans and handheld graters and hateful trash that’s preventing you from calling your estranged sister. Throw them all away. Replace them with a single sunflower seed.
  • Your kitchen floor should be a single bone from a roan-red veal calf that was struck by lightning. Anything less is unacceptable clutter. Get rid of it.
  • Possessions are 100% fatal. Turtles don’t keep anything they can’t use, and they helped Charles Darwin discover the Galápagos Islands. Throw away all of your grandmother’s jewelry. Now she can sleep in peace.
  • Only consume apples that really speak to you.
  • Thank every item in your refrigerator deeply – kiss each one of them softly and slowly with your mouth – then prepare for each item a small Viking funeral. Set them adrift on a blazing ship into the waters of a very cold lake. In the future, when you are hungry, eat your memories. The only thing that belongs in your refrigerator is mindfulness.
  • Place every cloth napkin you own in a sacred circle on the cleanest table you own (tables should be either a rock from the sea or a book that is enchanted by one or fewer spells). If the napkin does not rise up of its own volition and perform a flawless Japanese tea ceremony for you, you were not meant to be. You should burn it, along with all of your professional regrets.
  • Empty your cupboards. You are ready to nourish yourself now.

Living Room

  • Chairs are rigid and static. Chairs lack suppleness. A chair is a frozen emotion. Every chair in your house is a locked-up resentment you sit on every day. Get rid of them. You don’t need them. Throw them out the window. You’ll find you’re now several inches taller, and that the chairs never even hit the sidewalk – they evaporated several stories down, even if you live in a first-floor apartment. They disappeared because you’re capable of forgiveness now.
  • Replace your couch with a pile of the least frustrated lentils you can find; no more than seven lentils.
  • The only furniture you need is a single smooth stone that reminds you of your mother.

Bathroom

  • If you have ever used a lotion, even once, get rid of it. Messy applicator tips are preventing you from practicing forgiveness. From now on, the only lotion you need is total acceptance of life on life’s terms, and also a bottle of argan oil you have made yourself (you can produce argan oil by letting go of anger)

Bedroom

  • Throw away everything in your dirty laundry hamper. If a piece of clothing really mattered to you, you wouldn’t let it get dirty.
  • Discard all the old eggshells and severed doll’s head and menstrual blood and dirt you keep in a shoebox under your bed. Why do you even save those things?
  • There is no need for a bed in the truly de-cluttered life. You should hover gently several inches above the floor in perfect harmony with your surroundings during your yearly nap, like a seahorse.
  • Free all of the old lovers you’ve kept shackled in the crawlspace at the back of your closet. Let them take any pairs of shoes you haven’t worn in the last calendar year with them.
  • If you’ve ever used them to hold a smartphone in bed, consider getting rid of your hands. They clutter up the arms.

[Image via Firstwefeast]

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