How To Talk To Babies About Post-Structuralism -The Toast

How To Talk To Babies About Post-Structuralism

ByDaniel Mallory Ortberg

on March 4, 2015 in How to Talk to Babies

How soon is too soon to begin introducing basic theory and Lacanian self-definition to an infant? A primer.

ME: what do we need to understand before we can understand post-structuralism
BABY: fnehhh
ME: very good
we need to understand structural linguistics
now what does “fnehhh” mediate between
BABY: fnehhh
ME: that’s right
it mediates between abstract ideas and reality
BABY: fnehhh
ME: you’ve made your point, don’t belabor it

ME: show me the red block
BABY: gehh
ME: show me the red block
BABY: [gnaws on blue block]
ME: good
interrogate the binary oppositions of the supposed system

ME: what do we say to critics who argue that post-structuralism is concomitant with nihilism
BABY: [spits up]
ME: that’s right

ME: wake up
wake up
BABY: [sleeps]
ME: HAVE YOU DESTABILIZED ANYTHING YET TODAY
BABY: [sleeps]
ME: PASSIVITY IS AN ACTIVE CHOICE IN ITSELF; YOU CANNOT ISOLATE YOURSELF FROM THE SYSTEM
BABY: [sleeps]
ME: i may disagree with you but i admire your commitment to this position

ME: what does this plate symbolize, baby
BABY: [picks up a single Cheerio]
ME: that’s right
HEGEMONY
what do we think of hegemony
BABY: [smashes chubby baby fist against Cheerios]
ME: thats right
WE SMASH IT

BABY: want book
ME: where is the book
show me where the book is
BABY: [points at book]
ME: very good
now show me where the author is
BABY: [puts finger in mouth]
ME: VERY GOOD
now i’ll read to you about sheep

BABY: want juice
bring juice
ME: the juice is here
this is your opportunity to synthesize something
BABY: give juice?
ME: use the means at hand
what are the instruments you find at your disposition?
BABY: [slowly grasps bottle]
ME: BRICOLEUR

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.

Comments (22)

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+151 Vote up Vote down

jonahblues 142p · 527 weeks ago

BABY: (grows up)
ME: ugh how campbellian

1 reply · active 525 weeks ago

+23 Vote up Vote down

dakimel 122p · 527 weeks ago

need more thumbs. fat baby thumbs for thumbs ups.

+65 Vote up Vote down

sausagedog 127p · 527 weeks ago

When my friends start having babies, I swear that this series of articles will provide the only unsolicited parenting advice I will ever give them.

1 reply · active 526 weeks ago

+4 Vote up Vote down

pigeonsquid · 526 weeks ago

So swear we all.

+52 Vote up Vote down

sparkwoodand21 127p · 527 weeks ago

Or just show them https://vimeo.com/17431354. "Fuck your father, fuck his narrative, fuck his authority, and fuck his essential structure."

9 replies · active 526 weeks ago

+17 Vote up Vote down

betsymore 124p · 527 weeks ago

"Poststructuralism is like 'Motherfucker, you can't step outside of history'" YES BEST VIDEO

+16 Vote up Vote down

sparkwoodand21 127p · 527 weeks ago

"Post-structuralism need to know which good old days you talkin' about."

+9 Vote up Vote down

Goomaly 113p · 527 weeks ago

Post-structuralism is like "YOU ARE THE FATHER"

+3 Vote up Vote down

keshchev 90p · 527 weeks ago

HOLY FRICK, THANK YOU FOR THIS VIDEO! *.*

This is everything that was lacking my whole life.

+6 Vote up Vote down

SallyRides100Tampons 102p · 527 weeks ago

I want a TED talk from this gentleman, posthaste.

+1 Vote up Vote down

Bangjangsen · 526 weeks ago

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g_jp9wAig4E

You're welcome.

+1 Vote up Vote down

hardlyknowem 120p · 526 weeks ago

Is... is that one of the rappers from Plastic Little? It's a small Internet after all.

+1 Vote up Vote down

tinarivers 74p · 526 weeks ago

Yes. It's Jayson Musson, in the guise of his online art-project persona, "Hennessy Youngman."

+1 Vote up Vote down

OrpheustheMute 92p · 526 weeks ago

I did not expect the Devil Wears Prada reference.

+18 Vote up Vote down

betsymore 124p · 527 weeks ago

But I thought I was never to bring a post-structuralist into this house?

+5 Vote up Vote down

AntoniusMajor · 527 weeks ago

Now, it might be my seminar on Derrida talking, but that last one brings me to tears of laughter.

+3 Vote up Vote down

mmmkat · 527 weeks ago

favorite series.

+6 Vote up Vote down

grumblyqueer 139p · 527 weeks ago

Baby is actually doing what's expected of it for once!

+37 Vote up Vote down

DeLoreanGrey 127p · 527 weeks ago

now show me where the author is
BABY: [puts finger at butt]

that's how i feel about franzen tbh

1 reply · active 527 weeks ago

+24 Vote up Vote down

DeLoreanGrey 127p · 527 weeks ago

or more relevant to the topic at hand:

now show me where the author is
BABY: [puts finger at cemetery]

+41 Vote up Vote down

madgehowlet 95p · 527 weeks ago

This is remarkably similar to how I run a first-year seminar. Note to self: Incorporate more juice boxes into lectures. We already have plenty of cats.

+4 Vote up Vote down

Michael Berube · 526 weeks ago

They're so cute when they're in the mirror stage! But true, they don't destabilize things then. They think they're all whole and complete and stuff.

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