1. No. No. No. No. No no no. No. NO.
3. Full-body flashbacks and terror-driven night sweats.
4. The Season One hairstyles are as bad as you remember, but the wardrobes are even worse. It’s all mirrored sunglasses and peasant tops and dragon-print bandanas and Tevas (TEVAS!) and linen shirts with hummingbirds on them.
5. The secret villain of this show, I have concluded, is not the obvious Jenny, but TINA. Mealymouthed, passive-aggressive, “I’m straight now” TINA, who is an actual racist and reveals herself to be one less than forty minutes in and DOES NOT DESERVE BETTE, NONE OF US DESERVE BETTE, HER SKIN IS AS LUMINOUS AS THE MOON AND HER EYES ARE HUGE LIMPID POOLS OF PERFECT EYES AND ALL OF HER CUFFS EXTEND PAST HER WRISTS, WHICH I ABSOLUTELY LOVE.
6. Eric Mabius’ body is terrifying, and I hate it.
7. Pausing the party scene and telling the person you’re watching The L Word with who is seeing it for the first time that “That’s Melissa Etheridge’s ex, who wrote furious and inappropriate poetry about her on her blog after their divorce a few years ago,” then taking a twenty-minute break to go find and read said poetry.
8. There is so much telegraphing within the first four episodes that it feels like you’re standing in the middle of a Western Union.
9. I suddenly want to call every queer girl I knew from the years 2005-2009 and see what they’re doing on Sunday night.
10. I hate Ilene Chaiken, as do all right-thinking people, and yet I cannot do without her. Ilene Chaiken gives, and Ilene Chaiken takes away, and I cannot bring myself to bless the name of Ilene Chaiken. It will be at her hand that I finally perish, I know it.
11. HATING THAT THEME SONG IS THE PUREST FEELING I HAVE EVER KNOWN
12. I would love to be above loving Shane. Who wouldn’t? Shane is so OBVIOUS. Shane is for straight girls who wouldn’t know Helena from Paige. Being attracted to Shane is like thinking Marilyn Monroe is beautiful: there’s nothing interesting about it, and it does nothing to set you apart from the faceless and undeserving masses. Shane does that thing that certain Los Angelenos do where instead of answering a question they put their hands in front of them in a namaste position and sort of half-bow their head at you, which is an objectively awful thing to do, and yet I cannot resist her.
12. THUS SPAKE SARAH SCHUSTER ugh ugh ugh ugh somebody just drown Jenny five seasons early, please.
13. Dana is a JERK. Why didn’t I remember what a jerk Dana was? Can I count on my memory to tell the truth? Also, what happened to all the women I used to watch this show with? What happened to, like, the woman I used to be while watching this show, you know?
14. “Those bone-white button-down shirts whose cuffs extend past the wrist almost to the first knuckle” that Bette wears all the time is a valid sexual orientation.
15. I wish this show lasted for a thousand years. I wish it was on the air right now, and I could wake up angry about it every morning, and that Tasha was my girlfriend and she was waiting outside my apartment building on her motorcycle right now. This is the way; it’s the way that we live, and love.
Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.