Women Praying Furiously In Western Art History -The Toast

Women Praying Furiously In Western Art History

ByDaniel Mallory Ortberg

on April 6, 2015 in Western Art History

ok before we start this prayer
everyone remember
you hate god
you hate food
you hate everyone in this room

hello, God
bet you didn’t expect to hear from me again
did you, fucko

these sons of bitches will never pray in this town again

I have prayed for a bigger hat for the last time
perhaps something more persuasive than prayer is necessary

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee, blessed art thou amongst women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our lobster

“you can’t go walking into town with us, you have to finish your prayers”
ill show them
ill show all of them
i pray that town fucking explodes
it’s just you and me, God
you and me and this hankie against the world

dear
uh
God
I thank Thee on this afternoon for
mm
beds
and such
Sincerely, etc

This isn’t a decorative quarterstaff, ladies
I suggest you get to praying

maybe now they’ll think twice before they ask me to lead matins again

i cant read this shit
this book isnt even facing me
slow down, heaven dove

I SAID
I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW

I’ll get you for this, God
It might take a while
but I’ll wait until you’ve forgotten about me and then BAM
bam

[Images via]

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.

Comments (73)

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+46 Vote up Vote down

jekyllian 141p · 523 weeks ago

oh jeez SO MANY GOOD ONES

but especially the second, fourth, & penultimate ones

okay, okay, and the last one, too

+88 Vote up Vote down

Hieu 117p · 523 weeks ago

"no one asks me to lead matins without regretting it.."

2 replies · active 523 weeks ago

+131 Vote up Vote down

oneclockworklemon 127p · 523 weeks ago

If "Women Praying Furiously" isn't a Bible Study class at some open & affirming church in the Pacific Northwest, IT SHOULD BE

2 replies · active 523 weeks ago

+110 Vote up Vote down

bnharrison32 124p · 523 weeks ago

I really like the panting where the woman's purse is hanging from the back of the chair. It's nice to know that women have hung their purses from chairs for as long as there have been purses and chairs.

Now I just need the 19th century equivalent of the bra hanging off the doorknob.

4 replies · active 523 weeks ago

+251 Vote up Vote down

zolora 155p · 523 weeks ago

The family in the first one doesn't even use starch. Their ruffs stay perfectly crisp through the sheer force of their collective anger.

+80 Vote up Vote down

jennycieplak 120p · 523 weeks ago

OK but seriously what is the lobster for????????

12 replies · active 523 weeks ago

+24 Vote up Vote down

literaltrousersnake · 523 weeks ago

Oh my god, the second one
worthy of printouts forever

1 reply · active 522 weeks ago

+48 Vote up Vote down

Beth 130p · 523 weeks ago

Someday I would like to be so awesome as to have the crest of my house be a rampant lobster.

+297 Vote up Vote down

Vyola · 523 weeks ago

I see the last nun as a Liam Neeson type.

"I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I took a vow of poverty. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long vocation. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. Catechism, confession, a hundred ways to martyr a man. I'll get you, God. Someday. And when you least expect it."

Sister Mary Francis Joseph is back and this time she's taken a vow of vengeance. TAKEN 2: HAIL MARY

2 replies · active 514 weeks ago

+85 Vote up Vote down

RosemarysFav 121p · 523 weeks ago

The boy sitting at the table on the right in the first painting is gonna kill his whole family in about 10 years, assuming they don't die of dysentery first.

I'm 90% sure he's already possessed by a demon, and if he's not, he's jonesin' for it.

1 reply · active 523 weeks ago

+7 Vote up Vote down

deleted182847 101p · 523 weeks ago

And the MC Hammer is right back in my head. My little cousin started it yesterday doing his Easter grace.

+24 Vote up Vote down

sorrycassandra 116p · 523 weeks ago

Penultimate and Ultimate Nun there get even more interesting when you google image search them. No spoilers here. Just do it if you haven't already.

14 replies · active 523 weeks ago

+32 Vote up Vote down

jennycieplak 120p · 523 weeks ago

I also love how both her rosary and her hair match the lobster perfectly.

See, this is where art history would have been useful in college, but I majored in music which meant NO TIME FOR OTHER ARTS!!!

2 replies · active 523 weeks ago

+9 Vote up Vote down

lammoa 53p · 523 weeks ago

This is me. Every single one of them is me.

+22 Vote up Vote down

JGlo · 523 weeks ago

all right god
men got tanks, nuclear weapons, and walking on the moon
it's our turn

+80 Vote up Vote down

timehoodie 132p · 523 weeks ago

I will be turning that first one into my Misandrist's Dinner Party Prayer. My guests will bow their heads and recite it or I will lead matins on their asses.

i hate god
i hate food
i hate everyone in this rom

YesAllMen

1 reply · active 523 weeks ago

+19 Vote up Vote down

Gzortenplatz 104p · 523 weeks ago

Quarterstaff abbess appears to have a tattoo on the back of her right hand. Was this a thing among 18th century German nuns?

1 reply · active 415 weeks ago

+34 Vote up Vote down

emmysuhweeks · 523 weeks ago

“you can’t go walking into town with us, you have to finish your prayers”

Is this Amy from Little Women? I just feel like this one is entirely up Amy's Revenge Alley*

*A great name for a Harry Potter locale, I think?

+25 Vote up Vote down

redheadedwolf 115p · 523 weeks ago

This isn’t a decorative quarterstaff, ladies
I suggest you get to praying
FAVORITE

+14 Vote up Vote down

Unreadaethel 127p · 523 weeks ago

Mother Superior #1 has some bitchin' tats.

+17 Vote up Vote down

Frogandtoad 58p · 523 weeks ago

The last one reminds me of angry Lorde.

+28 Vote up Vote down

AfterPlumcake 105p · 523 weeks ago

Family #1: Now we're gonna take the beginning of this prayer and do it nice and easy. But we're gonna do the finish nice...and ruff.

+34 Vote up Vote down

damanoid 134p · 523 weeks ago

#2's prayer stance is basically the same attack maneuver that Captain Kirk used to club Klingons and lizard-men into comas. Just out of frame, I'm pretty sure there's an unconscious bishop on the floor of the vestry.

+11 Vote up Vote down

caterpillargold 59p · 523 weeks ago

We've circled back to ladies with big hats! YES!
God + Big hats = perfect!

+8 Vote up Vote down

Mira · 523 weeks ago

I'm getting some Yom Kippur flashbacks from these pictures. (Fasting has never made me especially spiritual.)

+4 Vote up Vote down

MissConstrude · 523 weeks ago

oh my god

wait

no that is not my comment!

Do not want to risk incurring further wrath of angry praying women

+41 Vote up Vote down

damanoid 134p · 523 weeks ago

#1: "(sigh) ...If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands..." (incredibly long Dutch pause) clap ... clap

I admire the artistic choices that went into this family portrait. "Now, some of you are going to be meeting the gaze of the viewer, while some of you can not give a shit and will just be looking at whatever. ...No, you can't ALL not give a shit, I am not going to sign off on this portrait unless some of you at least pretend to care. Let's say, at least 30 percent of the family giving a shit? That seems fair. Let's draw straws."

+29 Vote up Vote down

Katie · 523 weeks ago

I might sometimes laugh harder at the comments than the articles. You stupendous, witty humans.

+10 Vote up Vote down

fcjaugusta 103p · 522 weeks ago

#1 is some Children of the Corn shit.

Does #8 have a TATTOO? Please tell me there was some system of medieval monastic tattoos, like in Russian prisons.

+7 Vote up Vote down

Melonie · 522 weeks ago

Thanks for the holy giggle fit. Well done. Quarterstaff crone is going to give me nightmares. And my favorite, #2, looks like an enraged Frodo in a wimple.

1 reply · active 522 weeks ago

+5 Vote up Vote down

Halloween Jack 115p · 522 weeks ago

you and me and this hankie against the world

*dies*

+2 Vote up Vote down

amyseybrown 0p · 519 weeks ago

They're all so good but I can't stop laughing at the second to last one!

+5 Vote up Vote down

Marie · 514 weeks ago

Mr. Beardface (he objected to the term dudefriend, so I changed it) would like to point out that the mother superior looks like Rowan Atkinson.

Cannot unsee.

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