ok before we start this prayer
everyone remember
you hate god
you hate food
you hate everyone in this room
hello, God
bet you didn’t expect to hear from me again
did you, fucko
these sons of bitches will never pray in this town again
I have prayed for a bigger hat for the last time
perhaps something more persuasive than prayer is necessary
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee, blessed art thou amongst women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our lobster
“you can’t go walking into town with us, you have to finish your prayers”
ill show them
ill show all of them
i pray that town fucking explodes
it’s just you and me, God
you and me and this hankie against the world
dear
uh
God
I thank Thee on this afternoon for
mm
beds
and such
Sincerely, etc
This isn’t a decorative quarterstaff, ladies
I suggest you get to praying
maybe now they’ll think twice before they ask me to lead matins again
i cant read this shit
this book isnt even facing me
slow down, heaven dove
I SAID
I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW
I’ll get you for this, God
It might take a while
but I’ll wait until you’ve forgotten about me and then BAM
bam
Tags: artwork, prayer, religion, women in western art history
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oh jeez SO MANY GOOD ONES
but especially the second, fourth, & penultimate ones
okay, okay, and the last one, too
“no one asks me to lead matins without regretting it..”
I can’t think of any possible explanation other than the obvious. Someone please tell me nuns burning down buildings was a thing people were worried about.
A little tracking it down gives me this, which if anyone’s German is better than mine, HAVE AT IT: <a href="http://www.leo-bw.de/web/guest/detail-gis/-/Detail/details/DOKUMENT/labw_kloester/369/Zisterzienserinnenabtei+Friedenweiler;jsessionid=2286B8C0FE8F77145C6C3894678C5CEF" target="_blank"> ;http://www.leo-bw.de/web/guest/detail-gis/-/Detai…
Looks like basically, the abbey burned down a few times. I’m betting, based on a vague art history-fu, that she’s one of the abbesses and is holding plans for the new one. It’s one of those “compress a sequence of events into one painting” scenarios. It totally wasn’t her fault, you guys! These things are always catching on fire!
If “Women Praying Furiously” isn’t a Bible Study class at some open & affirming church in the Pacific Northwest, IT SHOULD BE
I really suck at praying
and I would go to that
Welp, you just gave me the class idea for my commissioning bible study that I will be forced to do. Bless you.
I really like the panting where the woman’s purse is hanging from the back of the chair. It’s nice to know that women have hung their purses from chairs for as long as there have been purses and chairs.
Now I just need the 19th century equivalent of the bra hanging off the doorknob.
“corset on the bedknob”?
Or across a chair/on the floor. After a well-spent semester staring at georgian satirical prints, pretty much all I learned is that “stays casually tossed across chair” equals 18th century visual code for “hey y’all, sex happened.”
“Just underwear everywhere.”
I like to think that the thing on that chair is an empty glass flask, and she is going to bed before sundown because today has just been the most ridiculous day, and she told some colleague to kiss her ass when she left work early while whipping that flask out of her bag.
The family in the first one doesn’t even use starch. Their ruffs stay perfectly crisp through the sheer force of their collective anger.
OK but seriously what is the lobster for????????
I can only assume it’s a bib from a seafood restaurant that the woman has prayed into sentience.
Medieval hover text. Someone paid the artist to paint him and his wife while they’re cosplaying saints, but to make it clear who this is really about, the artist (one Mr. Dürer in this case) added the family crests. Don’t ask me why the von Melems chose a friendly crustacean as their very own symbol.
medieval hover text
marry me
Teh Interwebs point me to a 19th-century book called The Heraldry of Fish. Apparently “argent, a lobster gules” is the description of the heraldry of the Von Melem family of Frankfort, and the diagram in the book is a pretty good match for the shield the nun is praying toward.
…I’m going to try to figure out how to work “argent, a lobster gules” into conversation sometime soon.
I think you just did
I just spent like way too much time trying to figure this one out, because I’m at work and a librarian and this is what we do. The image is from the Heller Altar, and I would guess that it’s the coat of arms for her family. Either that or he used the lobster as a way to show that this rich lady he was painting as a saint was a real swell dame. The lobster symbolizes temperance, because (as we all know) it’s the natural enemy of the serpent, or sin (gotta love medieval heraldry).
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heller_Altar
Because I know art historians are known for their pranks: if someone were to hang a framed copy of that painting on the wall at Red Lobster, it might take a while for anyone to notice…
I havetotally enjoyed all of the responses to this thread but this one is my favorite, so thank you Toast!
Oh my god, the second one
worthy of printouts forever
She looks PISSED – “come on. god, in my 20 years as a nun I ask you for ONE THING . . . . “
Someday I would like to be so awesome as to have the crest of my house be a rampant lobster.
I see the last nun as a Liam Neeson type.
“I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I took a vow of poverty. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long vocation. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. Catechism, confession, a hundred ways to martyr a man. I’ll get you, God. Someday. And when you least expect it.”
Sister Mary Francis Joseph is back and this time she’s taken a vow of vengeance. TAKEN 2: HAIL MARY
You are a secular saint.
I would absolutely, positively go to see that movie at the theater. Then I would buy a DVD of it, and give DVDs of it to everyone for Christmas. If the poster was this painting I would hang it in my home.
The boy sitting at the table on the right in the first painting is gonna kill his whole family in about 10 years, assuming they don’t die of dysentery first.
I’m 90% sure he’s already possessed by a demon, and if he’s not, he’s jonesin’ for it.
“I told you not to keep dressing me like my dyspeptic twin. You didn’t listen. This is what you get.”
And the MC Hammer is right back in my head. My little cousin started it yesterday doing his Easter grace.
Penultimate and Ultimate Nun there get even more interesting when you google image search them. No spoilers here. Just do it if you haven’t already.
Thanks for the tip, they were interesting indeed!
Oh, I am so very glad I did. I understand those expressions much better now.
ULTIMATE NUN
THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE
Snitches get…..well, killed, actually.
Halp. I don’t know how to image search. I want to learn. Thank you.
https://images.google.com/
You can upload pictures simply by dragging them to the space where the little camera icon is–I usually download the pictures from here to my desktop long enough to upload, then delete them so my boss doesn’t lean over and ask why my desktop is full of angry nuns. If someone knows a more efficient method, I’m all ears.
I did it! It worked! You taught an old Toast a new trick. Thank you.
If you use Chrome, you can right-click on an image then select “Search Google for this image” from the pop-up menu.
Thanks for that, as it led me, eventually, to this: http://www.the-athenaeum.org/art/detail.php?ID=10…
It is delightful, and I don’t even know why (well ok, because butts).
Butts need no other explanation.
So I did and now I’m here halp: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nunsploitation
Whoa! Sister Mary Francis Joseph really was out for vengeance. 😀
I also love how both her rosary and her hair match the lobster perfectly.
See, this is where art history would have been useful in college, but I majored in music which meant NO TIME FOR OTHER ARTS!!!
Whoops, meant to be a reply to mdingler’s helpful response above…
Matching hair, lobster, rosary: painter efficiency. Mix only one bright color. Saves time and effort.
This is me. Every single one of them is me.
all right god
men got tanks, nuclear weapons, and walking on the moon
it’s our turn
I will be turning that first one into my Misandrist’s Dinner Party Prayer. My guests will bow their heads and recite it or I will lead matins on their asses.
i hate god
i hate food
i hate everyone in this rom
YesAllMen
Can I come to this party?
Quarterstaff abbess appears to have a tattoo on the back of her right hand. Was this a thing among 18th century German nuns?
Before she was a nun, she was known as Gertrude, the Scourge of Mecklenburg, and ran a protection racket.
“you can’t go walking into town with us, you have to finish your prayers”
Is this Amy from Little Women? I just feel like this one is entirely up Amy’s Revenge Alley*
*A great name for a Harry Potter locale, I think?
This isn’t a decorative quarterstaff, ladies
I suggest you get to praying
FAVORITE
Mother Superior #1 has some bitchin’ tats.
The last one reminds me of angry Lorde.
Family #1: Now we’re gonna take the beginning of this prayer and do it nice and easy. But we’re gonna do the finish nice…and ruff.
#2’s prayer stance is basically the same attack maneuver that Captain Kirk used to club Klingons and lizard-men into comas. Just out of frame, I’m pretty sure there’s an unconscious bishop on the floor of the vestry.
We’ve circled back to ladies with big hats! YES!
God + Big hats = perfect!
I’m getting some Yom Kippur flashbacks from these pictures. (Fasting has never made me especially spiritual.)
oh my god
wait
no that is not my comment!
Do not want to risk incurring further wrath of angry praying women
#1: “(sigh) …If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands…” (incredibly long Dutch pause) clap … clap
I admire the artistic choices that went into this family portrait. “Now, some of you are going to be meeting the gaze of the viewer, while some of you can not give a shit and will just be looking at whatever. …No, you can’t ALL not give a shit, I am not going to sign off on this portrait unless some of you at least pretend to care. Let’s say, at least 30 percent of the family giving a shit? That seems fair. Let’s draw straws.”
I might sometimes laugh harder at the comments than the articles. You stupendous, witty humans.
#1 is some Children of the Corn shit.
Does #8 have a TATTOO? Please tell me there was some system of medieval monastic tattoos, like in Russian prisons.
Thanks for the holy giggle fit. Well done. Quarterstaff crone is going to give me nightmares. And my favorite, #2, looks like an enraged Frodo in a wimple.
(hi other Mel!)
We all need more enraged bewimpled Frodos in our lives!
you and me and this hankie against the world
*dies*
*dies*
They’re all so good but I can’t stop laughing at the second to last one!
Mr. Beardface (he objected to the term dudefriend, so I changed it) would like to point out that the mother superior looks like Rowan Atkinson.
Cannot unsee.