Texts From Hieronymus Bosch -The Toast

Texts From Hieronymus Bosch

ByDaniel Mallory Ortberg

on May 21, 2015 in Texts From

i painted you something
you did?
oh good
I’m glad to hear that you have been keeping busy
do you want to see it
oh
I
what’s the painting of?
just a regular bird
oh okay
I’d like to see that

what do you think
pretty regular huh
oh it’s
see the owl is me
and the egg-beast sprouting nude arms and legs and cherries and genitals, that’s you
so it’s a painting of a bird but it’s also a painting of our friendship
mmm
where do you want me to hang it
mmm
good idea
i’ll surprise you

i made another painting
what’s this one called
“Cutting the Stone”
oh
okay that sounds –
here it is

the stone is inside of his skull and driving him mad
so they have to cut it out of his brain
i see
why is the woman wearing a book on her head, though
well it was either put the book there or give it scissor-feet and show it eating pig-babies in the background
oh
do you think i should have given it scissor-feet?
i’ll repaint it
no
no i think the book looks great where it is
really?
very normal place for a book

what do you think heaven looks like
oh
i don’t know
peaceful, and green, and –
do you think dozens of terrified nudes have to flee inside of an egg to escape the fanged mermaids
i
i’d have to check with a theologian
but i don’t think so

i bet in heaven sometimes people are crushed by a great strawberry
do you think that’s something that happens a lot?
in heaven?
im pretty sure

remember the temptation of st. anthony
sure
what do you think he was tempted by
i feel like you’re not really asking because you want to know what i think
what
i feel like maybe you already have a really specific idea in your head
and you’re just going to wait for me to suggest something and then you’ll yell out the very specific thing you think it was instead
no no i would never do that
i really want your opinion for this painting
okay
well
i think maybe worldly riches
ok
what else
maybe women
and????
i think that’s it
i think those are the only two t–
WHAT ABOUT FISH SOLDIERS

I THINK MAYBE FISH DRESSED UP LIKE SOLDIERS WERE A BIG PROBLEM FOR ST. ANTHONY

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.

Comments (147)

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+224 Vote up Vote down

leslieellenjones 109p · 514 weeks ago

I think old Hieronymus needs to have a chat with the Two Monks.

2 replies · active 514 weeks ago

+28 Vote up Vote down

laurenipsum 109p · 514 weeks ago

YESSSSS

But why the Heironymus Bosch?

26 replies · active 499 weeks ago

+102 Vote up Vote down

anotherkate_sf 96p · 514 weeks ago

I know fish soldiers are a big problem for me.

2 replies · active 514 weeks ago

+35 Vote up Vote down

Jessargh 101p · 514 weeks ago

Please paint me with scissor-feet.

1 reply · active 514 weeks ago

+114 Vote up Vote down

grumblyqueer 139p · 514 weeks ago

I feel like our buddy William Blake should get into an art exchange with this dude.

3 replies · active 514 weeks ago

+207 Vote up Vote down

threatqualitypress 136p · 514 weeks ago

Hieronymous Bosch is such my favorite.

"Wait hold on, I am really good at painting -- why should I keep painting regular things that people can see just by looking at them? Why don't I use this power to paint ANY CRAZY THING THAT I WANT?"

8 replies · active 511 weeks ago

+106 Vote up Vote down

alula_auburn 106p · 514 weeks ago

I do have to appreciate how well he captured Book-Head-Lady's absolute indifference to the proceedings.

1 reply · active 514 weeks ago

+110 Vote up Vote down

v_d_budenmayer 127p · 514 weeks ago

This is so timely because in one of the classrooms I teach in, there is a poster of The Garden of Earthly Delights and occasionally one of my 9th grade students will... notice it, and become scandalized by it and start whispering about it to other 9th graders. This just happened a few minutes ago and then I walked into my office, opened up The Toast, and here this was!

2 replies · active 488 weeks ago

+88 Vote up Vote down

winterbymorning 133p · 514 weeks ago

When I went to the Prado I spent more time staring at the Garden of Earthly Delights than with all the rest of the artwork there combined. Everywhere you look, there is more indescribable lunacy. Bosch is the best.

5 replies · active 509 weeks ago

+59 Vote up Vote down

Mrs_Peel 117p · 514 weeks ago

What do you think, Toasties-- was he one of those artists who went crazy bananapants from syphilis or was he just... you know, like that?

21 replies · active 503 weeks ago

+147 Vote up Vote down

grantimusmax 123p · 514 weeks ago

I feel like Bosch would be that guy at the party that seems really well put-together and calm and then he invites you over to see his collection of rare historical surgical instruments.

15 replies · active 493 weeks ago

+104 Vote up Vote down

irishbreakfasttime 128p · 514 weeks ago

hey girl do you want to come over and model for me sometime
for my paintings
i'll pay you
hmmmmm i might have plans
when?
hang on i gotta check with the oversized fish-bird that's gonna be devouring you
wait what?
nah you just gotta lie in his mouth face first for like three hours
you there
i SAID i'd pay you

+32 Vote up Vote down

sausagedog 127p · 514 weeks ago

I think we all knew a Heironymus Bosch or two in high school art class

1 reply · active 514 weeks ago

+40 Vote up Vote down

Frumiosa 141p · 514 weeks ago

Heironymous Bosch is glorious proof that hallucinogens were present and plentiful in the 16th-century Netherlands. Unless he was just hoarding all of them himself, which, yeah.

1 reply · active 514 weeks ago

+210 Vote up Vote down

connorjoel 126p · 514 weeks ago

THANK GOD for surrealist paintings minus the TEDIUM of 20th century surrealist drug narratives. THANK GOD FOR HIERONYMOUS BOSCH.

2 replies · active 514 weeks ago

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winterbymorning 133p · 514 weeks ago

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

Everybody go read this article and listen to the recording right now: Bosch's 600-year-old butt-music from hell.

5 replies · active 514 weeks ago

+29 Vote up Vote down

hussified 119p · 514 weeks ago

Every time I use my Bosch dishwasher, I think of what old Hieronymus would think of a kitchen appliance.

2 replies · active 514 weeks ago

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MissCrystal 108p · 514 weeks ago

Do you know I discovered Hieronymus Bosch? The liner notes of Savage Garden's self tilted album. They used close ups from The Garden of Earthly Delights as the backdrop the lyrics were printed on. It was in black and white but still. 14 year old me spent hours looking at those liner notes while listening to the album. They even called their 1998 world tour The Future of Earthly Delights Tour and I saw them when they came to my area. I eventually got a poster of The Garden of Earthy Delights, hung it by my bed and then spent hours looking at it.

4 replies · active 513 weeks ago

+29 Vote up Vote down

littlehuntingcreek 135p · 514 weeks ago

When I look at art at the NGA here in Washington this weekend, I'll just say to my husband, "Needs more fish soldiers"

1 reply · active 510 weeks ago

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rookstone 136p · 514 weeks ago

The pizza place in my home town had a Bosch print on the wall. I think it was The Garden of Earthly Delights, but I'm not sure. I know it was very weird and I'd always want to sit at the table closest to it so I could try to learn all the details. Pretty sure there were some winged fish somewhere in there, too.

Pepperoni and winged fish have an important connection to one another in my childhood, at least.

+9 Vote up Vote down

beaucoup1314 92p · 514 weeks ago

Why in 'Cutting the Stone' is that man wearing the Tin Man's hat? The book on the the head I can roll with, but what's with the 'Wizard of Oz' allusions?

8 replies · active 514 weeks ago

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anninyn 124p · 514 weeks ago

I love Bosch. One of the things that cemented my husband and I was that he had a book about Bosch with colour prints of the art and I talked about it with him and we both loved Bosch.

I just... I just love how he must have seen the world.

+7 Vote up Vote down

Alexis · 514 weeks ago

THIS IS THE BEST ONE

but not including the Hell triptych is a missed opportunity, dude

+7 Vote up Vote down

somenerdygirl 101p · 514 weeks ago

Man, that monk in the middle does NOT approve of cutting stones out of people's heads. Or maybe he just thinks the Tin Man isn't doing it right.

+11 Vote up Vote down

crawlkill 129p · 514 weeks ago

I deeply miss the "the." the implication that "Heironymous" is a descriptive epithet was enormous.

+15 Vote up Vote down

suejaymostest 1p · 514 weeks ago

I signed up for intense debate just to tell you, Mallory Ortberg, how much I love you. It's been raining here for, like, forever, and this Heironymous post made me postpone my decision to go on a muddy rampage against weather and all things water related. Thank you.

+3 Vote up Vote down

eldritchhair 45p · 514 weeks ago

OH MY GOD, I'm so unreasonably happy to see this! I celebrated my birthday yesterday by checking out an exhibit of works by followers of Bosch, all the while thinking that Mallory Ortberg's jokes would pair splendidly with his sort of Netherlandish art. I was too preoccupied with my earthly revelries to catch this post earlier, but still, THANK YOU!

+7 Vote up Vote down

MissCrystal 108p · 514 weeks ago

Well it's probably for the best he's not Hannibal-esque. Hannibal is a great fantasy, nobody wants that in real life. But down for talking about weird shit, that's awesome in the real world.

+4 Vote up Vote down

Greta Christina · 514 weeks ago

My wife and I sometimes call our cat "bird" or "sugar bird." I think now we're going to start calling her "regular bird."

2 replies · active 514 weeks ago

+5 Vote up Vote down

William T · 514 weeks ago

Jeff Mangum must have saw this at one point and said "hey now there's an idea"

+3 Vote up Vote down

tylerhudsonblog 2p · 503 weeks ago

Mallory, awesome post. I must've read it three times through, laughing more each time. Refreshingly humorous

0 Vote up Vote down

Christopher Cook · 477 weeks ago

Whoever you are, you are freaking brilliant.

+5 Vote up Vote down

hnayfeld 143p · 468 weeks ago

I like to revisit this post every few months or so, just to remind myself of its utter brilliance. It never gets old.

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