What In The Hell Animal Is This, Please -The Toast

What In The Hell Animal Is This, Please

ByDaniel Mallory Ortberg

on September 3, 2015 in Art

As you know, I spend an immoderate amount of time trawling Wikimedia Commons for old-timey paintings what I can crack jokes on, so I’ve seen my fair share of imperfectly-rendered animals, but this one here has taken the majority of my cakes.

WHAT IS IT.

I know what you’re thinking, it’s a Weird Cat, and that’s what I was leaning toward for a while, but it can’t be, it just can’t.

Arguments for it being a Weird Cat:

– yes okay those are definitely, kind of, cat paws (WHY ARE THERE ONLY THREE??)

– and I’ll grant you there’s a fair amount of Cattishness in the head-region of the beast

– END OF LIST

Arguments for it being definitely Not A Cat but some sort of I Don’t Know What It Is:

– NO TAIL, NOT EVEN A WISP OF A TAIL

– What is happening with its BODY??? it’s MASSIVE in proportion to its head/feet extremities. And I don’t mean it’s just a fat housecat (which I don’t imagine were super common back in the hundreds of fifteen, just on account of PEOPLE were still starving to death at the time, but honestly I don’t want to make a lot of sweeping claims about historical animal weight), there’s a serious MUSCLE LUMP on its back right behind the head? It has like, a BADGER BODY, or like one of those really muscular dogs you see pictures of sometimes

– It kind of looks like a weird, squat wolf? Is this what wolverines look like?

– I searched “weird animals Europe” but I didn’t really see anything that looked like it, if that’s helpful

So far my other guesses are: muscular rabbit, badger thing, wolverine, NOT A CAT, ????

[Image via]

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.

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+246 Vote up Vote down

Frumiosa 141p · 500 weeks ago

Morbidly obese cat who has eaten all of that poor woman's clothes. And the "paw" on the right is actually its tail.

13 replies · active 500 weeks ago

+149 Vote up Vote down

wakatopatopa 145p · 500 weeks ago

Totally a cat. A cat with some horrible thyroid condition, its belly full of tumors. (This happened to a cat I had.)

Painter obvs finished the lady and was like "welp I'm real tired of idealized realism, fuck it, here comes a giant nightmare cat, I will say it signifies SATAN"

+340 Vote up Vote down

queenofbithynia 137p · 500 weeks ago

Did they fatten up ermines before making ermine stoles out of them? because it is white like an ermine and I judge its ears to be ermine-like.

ha but seriously it's a cat that ate like twelve rabbits because it is the naked lady's favorite cat

addendum: it was considered immoral in the 1500s for cats to pose for portraits so they would bring in a low, immoral animal like a wolverine or an opera dancer, or a wolverine that was an opera dancer, for the body, and then they'd paint the cat's portrait onto the head, much like you see Michelangelo's women painted from models with big manly musculature because of the mores of the day. not a lot of people know this, cats had a pretty restricted social sphere back then and were also not allowed to perform cat parts on stage, those were all performed by other mammals whose morals were not felt to be put at risk by theater life.

6 replies · active 500 weeks ago

+54 Vote up Vote down

30Litresof 132p · 500 weeks ago

It's defo a cat Mallory, calm down and look at some photos of real things so you can remember what stuff looks like. Or I guess you could like, go outside or something but that might be taking it too far.

3 replies · active 500 weeks ago

+63 Vote up Vote down

mzMorg · 500 weeks ago

I agree with morbidly obese cat. And the woman is looking on her Samsung phone/iPad mini for "low-calorie cat-food delivery service."

+75 Vote up Vote down

literarysara 119p · 500 weeks ago

Well, since the lady is naked with a lute and a book, I'ma guess that we're supposed to read her as a symbol of vanity and the weird cat as a symbol of her swollen, misshapen soul.
So: not a wolverine but a warning. Naked ladies might be beautiful to look at but you should feel terrible for looking at them because something something sin.

2 replies · active 500 weeks ago

+105 Vote up Vote down

jfgameosity 0p · 500 weeks ago

Actually, I think there are 2 paws and the thing on the far right is its tail. The other 2 appendages have toes, while the third is curved and toeless. I think the other 2 paws are hidden by the perspective and general fatness of the cat (but really, are we here to fat shame a cat?)
I think the cat is rubenesque.

1 reply · active 500 weeks ago

+67 Vote up Vote down

newglasses · 500 weeks ago

Catweasel. They are now extinct.

Seconding the motion that the 'paw' on the right is its tail.

Even though it is a catweasel, my cats, if looked at from above, will have that odd muscle lump and two lumps thing going. They are not even particularly fat, or muscular, it's some odd thing their skin does when pushed up against their shoulder blades (the two lumps). I'd try to take a photo of it, but a camera in my hands is the sign for cats to request many pettings. Why look at them if I am not inclined to pet them?

5 replies · active 498 weeks ago

+9 Vote up Vote down

Absotively 112p · 500 weeks ago

Cat. My guess for the fatness is that it's good at catching rats.

+38 Vote up Vote down

Either_Ada 139p · 500 weeks ago

Poor lady. Two of her three props echo her junk, as drawn and figuratively.

(Unless that book is her yum folder, then it's 3 for 3.)

3 replies · active 500 weeks ago

+125 Vote up Vote down

threatqualitypress 136p · 500 weeks ago

it's a catsheep

11 replies · active 499 weeks ago

+54 Vote up Vote down

betsymore 124p · 500 weeks ago

It's the little-known Umbrian three-legged sheep-cat. Renowned for their soft wool and general laziness.

1 reply · active 500 weeks ago

+24 Vote up Vote down

KappamakiFawkes 103p · 500 weeks ago

It's either a weirdly painted sullen cat with its hind legs hidden by its supremely un-catlike girth and a tail weirdly drawn into the side so that it doesn't look like a two-legged puffball except that it still kind of does OR it's a jaguarundi or coati, the standard go-to's for "weird mammal that nobody recognizes."

+46 Vote up Vote down

PonyAlong 102p · 500 weeks ago

Deleted comment of the day goes to 30Litresof, congratulations!

+52 Vote up Vote down

Merripat 115p · 500 weeks ago

Maybe it's this sheep from Australia that got lost and grew 40 kilo of wool due to not being sheared.

2 replies · active 499 weeks ago

+21 Vote up Vote down

walrathem 106p · 500 weeks ago

I think it's an angora cat. A cat bred for its fur to be used to knit things. I've never heard of such a beast actually existing, but why not? People knit with cat hair now and who knows what kind of cat breeds have been lost to time?

4 replies · active 497 weeks ago

+10 Vote up Vote down

Dr. Awkward · 500 weeks ago

According to my cat-expert husband, it DOES have a tail! Isn't the rightmost appendage (from our perspective) actually not a leg but a curling tail? Of course, the Mystery of the Other Two Legs remains unsolved, unless they are somehow hidden behind its weird massive body...

1 reply · active 500 weeks ago

+51 Vote up Vote down

bighairnoheart 123p · 500 weeks ago

It looks suspiciously like my sister's cat. Little cat head? Check. Bull neck? Check. Tiny pin paws? Check. Massive body? Check. Probable desire to kill all humans? Check.

2 replies · active 498 weeks ago

+31 Vote up Vote down

irishbreakfasttime 128p · 500 weeks ago

tbh at that time in history I would've wanted my cat to be fat & muscular, on account of its catching and eating all the plague rats in the town.

1 reply · active 500 weeks ago

+5 Vote up Vote down

Munchlette_Belle · 500 weeks ago

I think that the thing to the side that looks like a third paw at first glance is actually a tail.

So either it has no back paws, or its back paws are obscured by its massive body.

+156 Vote up Vote down

Beth 130p · 500 weeks ago

My vote is for really fat stoat.

14 replies · active 499 weeks ago

+109 Vote up Vote down

sednarea51 128p · 500 weeks ago

Cat gradually emerging from pile of mashed potatoes.

+84 Vote up Vote down

hapsatou 113p · 500 weeks ago

Cat see living proof:

2 replies · active 500 weeks ago

+53 Vote up Vote down

Sean_Sullivan 142p · 500 weeks ago

Theory: it's supposed to look messed up. Hans Baldung, the artist, was known for painting weird stuff:

He was responsible for introducing supernatural and erotic themes into German art. He often depicted witches, also a local interest: Strasbourg's humanists studied witchcraft and its bishop was charged with ferreting out witches. His most characteristic paintings are fairly small in scale; a series of puzzling, often erotic allegories and mythological works.
Possibly the cat is supposed to be a demon or familiar; so Baldung, who displays a reasonable grasp of the theories of perspective elsewhere, consciously inverted those principles to make the cat look deeply wrong.

3 replies · active 500 weeks ago

+28 Vote up Vote down

MilesofMountain 121p · 500 weeks ago

Bleached wolverine, definitely bleached wolverine. Actually, I just felt like posting these photos of a wolverine being cute:

+5 Vote up Vote down

Sultana Brian · 500 weeks ago

STEROID CAT

+7 Vote up Vote down

Cassodragon 90p · 500 weeks ago

Cushingoid cat, explains the neck lumpitude and girth

+34 Vote up Vote down

alula_auburn 106p · 500 weeks ago

I don't know, but it reminds me of my niece seeing a Yale bulldog logo on an old shirt of my brother's and asking "Does it want to eat me?"

1 reply · active 500 weeks ago

+9 Vote up Vote down

Jessica Lanay · 500 weeks ago

It is Kafka's sheep-cat creature from one of his unpublished short-stories.

+22 Vote up Vote down

cosetthetable 121p · 500 weeks ago

Mallory, don't you HAVE a cat? Shouldn't you be able to recognize one?

.... Is, perhaps, your current cat defective?????

+11 Vote up Vote down

emmastanfordx 124p · 500 weeks ago

Please start providing citations for these images. I know it spoils the joke a little, but it's irresponsible not to.

2 replies · active 500 weeks ago

+6 Vote up Vote down

ScriptioPlena 122p · 500 weeks ago

Is it a cousin of Puppycat from Bee and Puppycat?

+41 Vote up Vote down

bighairnoheart 123p · 500 weeks ago

9 replies · active 499 weeks ago

+12 Vote up Vote down

KateS · 500 weeks ago

A horrible, spoiled, grotesquely bloated cat that has eaten several previous owners. She had better watch out, she looks pretty succulent.

+28 Vote up Vote down

britomartian 138p · 500 weeks ago

Real talk: that's a lot like what my cat looked like before we realised that he does not have the right temperament to be free-fed. Except that my cat is piebald and splotchy like a children's-book cow, and also doesn't generally consort with nude lutenists.

1 reply · active 500 weeks ago

+14 Vote up Vote down

RudyRed 124p · 500 weeks ago

It's been long established that cats can make their limbs disappear at will.

1 reply · active 500 weeks ago

+8 Vote up Vote down

rapunzel · 500 weeks ago

You mean you've never heard of the catpolarbear?

+29 Vote up Vote down

chasgoose 119p · 500 weeks ago

I just wanted to put it out there that my cat doesn't have a tail (we adopted him off the street and whatever happened to him before us resulted in his tail being so damaged that his nerves were exposed, it would have taken so long to heal, during which time our cat would be in constant excruciating pain that our vet told us the most humane course of action would be to cut it off. He's been way happier ever since) CAT IDENTITY DOES NOT REQUIRE TAILS.

Also, the answer is SHEEP.

6 replies · active 497 weeks ago

+26 Vote up Vote down

Hellianne · 500 weeks ago

Most pet cats in the U.S. today are neutered before puberty. They probably didn't do that in the Renaissance. I've seen a few tomcats that got neutered later and then were kept as pets. They were very muscular! Start with a breed that tends to be bulkier (like a Maine Coon), leave his testicles in place, give him a pampered life.... Well, I think that painting could be a fair representation of a cat. Or at least as fair as the representation of that woman-- I have questions about the relative lengths of her femurs.

+10 Vote up Vote down

celery · 500 weeks ago

Oh man, at first when I looked at that painting, I was really confused why this animal took the cake, because it looked like a pretty normal cat to me, especially by some of the animals in paintings in these art roundups! But I just had one of those weird perspective-altering moments like the duckrabbit picture where you suddenly see the duck after only being able to see the rabbit. And it's *weird.* So now I understand.

+15 Vote up Vote down

Bryan Bingham · 500 weeks ago

I believe it is a cat. I have seen many cats that looked quite similar from the appropriate angle of view. The instrument is a treble viola da gamba, not a lute. It is unusual too, the tone holes are far too low and somewhat small. No bow is visible. Gambas were kind of new but popular so it is possible this is from life and the example wouldn't play particularly well. It is also possible that the book she is reading is actually a part-book with music printed on it -- I can't really make it out but it looks like it could be a set of running figures very common in the music of day.

2 replies · active 500 weeks ago

+49 Vote up Vote down

caatness 98p · 500 weeks ago

Tangentially related, I have an enormous grey cat who is very muscular and still sleekly cat-like, but, you know, HUGE. And eerily dog-like. Or dude-like. Chris Evans as a cat, really. When someone comes by to install cable or repair a thing or do some stuff, when the cat comes into the room, they usually flinch and/or do a doubletake before laughing nervously. In order to quell his nervousness, one guy kept saying over and over, "That sure is a big grey cat, there." At regular intervals said cat would knock over his tool pouch and wander away with a pair of pliers in butch solidarity.

6 replies · active 500 weeks ago

+6 Vote up Vote down

rawrbook 125p · 500 weeks ago

Clearly that's a dog

+86 Vote up Vote down

halcrain 113p · 500 weeks ago

I think it is an angry little cloud.

1 reply · active 500 weeks ago

+11 Vote up Vote down

Kay · 500 weeks ago

It's not a lute, y'all, it s a viola da gamba. There's symmetry here, see? The instrument with catgut strings and the very large cat from which said strings could be made. Actually, most strings were lamb, but it's still not a sheep.

2 replies · active 500 weeks ago

+32 Vote up Vote down

gregm91436 102p · 500 weeks ago

That is a fox.

There were three other people in the original painting.

The fox ate them.

By this, I do not mean "the real-life fox, while posing, ate three real-life models." NO. THE PAINTING-FOX ATE THE PAINTING PEOPLE. AND NOW IT'S COMING FOR US. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, MALLORY. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE. ALL HAIL FAT PAINTING-FOX AND PLEASE DO NOT EAT ME.

1 reply · active 500 weeks ago

+57 Vote up Vote down

alicia 114p · 500 weeks ago

*pushes glasses up onto forehead, coughs with gravitas*

Perhaps it is a predecessor to the modern cat, in the way that an aurochs is to a modern cow. Aurochs survived until 1627, so urkatzen (or so I have named this species) could easily still have been roaming Europe at the time this was painted.

+2 Vote up Vote down

witabif 15p · 500 weeks ago

i'm p sure it's just a badly drawn cat, but also it does have a tail, the 'leg' on the right is coming from the back of the body. the other legs are hiding behind all that... cat, i bet.

+8 Vote up Vote down

Mrs_Peel 117p · 500 weeks ago

My best guess: some sort of Island of Dr. Moreau -style catstoat.

+11 Vote up Vote down

fenixdawn 116p · 500 weeks ago

This is a cat that has eaten all the other cats.

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