118 Comments

  1. MilesofMountain +130

    I have never been so disappointed to see there wasn’t a page 2 to this piece. I want more (without actually buying a copy)!

  2. beachlass +189

    Glamour Stations of the Cross:

    Sleep
    Good smelling shower stuff
    Denial
    Disguise
    Lipstick
    Compromise
    Coffee
    Really Great Shoes
    Fuck You Attitude
    A Well Fitted Bra
    Beyonce
    Knowing Yourself
    Eating Popcorn for Supper
    Wearing a Sleeping Mask

    1. Mrs_Peel +13

      “Eating Popcorn for Supper ”

      YESSSS, I am well on the road to glamour. Only 13 more to go.

    2. moxycrimefighter +47

      My personal benchmark for “glamour” is “100% nice underwear with no period stains.”

      1. EnchiladaTaco +9

        I have a dream of only wearing pretty, matching, bra and undies sets.

        I am more likely to be eaten by a shark than to fulfill this dream.

  3. aqwaplop +66

    THE REVIEWS ARE IN:

    “…an obsession with horseflesh…”

    “…tally-ho…”

    “…trundle… ‘cave-dwellers’…”

  4. MsSeaport +79

    Is there some reason you cannot simply get moving and annotate the entire book? Pls get on this posthaste. Thx.

  5. Andy M +54

    In honor of Tina Brown and all the Georgetown cave-dwelling EFG-listers, I just tried to trundle squatly down the hall of my workplace. As a naturally willow-y gentleman, I just know that it didn’t have the desired effect.

    I’ve also decided that my entire wardrobe will be made of lurex, once I figure out what that is. It sounds really sheen-y and I know I’m going to love it.

    1. aquamarinaveen +31

      i have some lurex tights, they are glittery gold and whenever i wear them everybody always stops me on the street to compliment me. i got them at a dance supply store.

      1. AfterPlumcake +81

        But are they ESCADA lurex dance tights? They have to be Escada for maximum squatness while trundling. It’s like you’ve never even BEEN the wife of a head of state.

    2. whizzdumb +14

      Hold on a sec *finishes order for horse-skin jacket on other tab*, alright equestrian ladies I’m all yours.

  6. zolora +67

    I just got to the line where she calls Elizabeth Hurley a “second-act siren.” I’m going to enjoy this.

  8. middlemarch +97

    “An Obsession with Horseflesh.” Welp, there’s my first album name.

    My band’s name, of course, is The Tally-Ho Exhilaration.

    1. mlitiagrl +14

      Is it wrong that all I can think of is the “I’m dating a horse” guy, from the same series as the “I’m dating my dad” article?

  9. mabissam +50

    “The Diana Chronicles, By Tina Brown. Story narrated by a snarky teenager sitting far, far away from all the other douchebags at school.”

    This is what I’m waiting for, Audible.com.

  10. anhaga +233

    oh my god I always knew Rita Skeeter HAD to be referencing a real person and now I can finally rest easy, secure with the knowledge that I was right.

  11. freshwaterpearl +21

    Can anyone tell me what “lurex Escada knits” are? And how can they be dowdy with such an esoteric name?

    1. helenin +46

      Lurex is that one really specific itchy sparkly yarn that somehow manages to be both plasticky and knitted and causes a full body rash when worn next to the skin because of its texture and the way it holds all bodily moisture in like microwave rice. I personally associate it with small children’s party cardigans and poo-brown twinsets worn by your maths teacher at parents evening.

    2. AfterPlumcake +27

      Escada is, or at least was at the time Tina Brown wrote, a very staid but expensive fashion line geared more towards a woman of a certain age and income bracket. Think Barbara Bush. Sensible, expensive, well-made but not chic. A lurex knit is a knit fabric with a metallic fleck in it.

      1. freshwaterpearl +32

        That makes sense! I still am having a little trouble reconciling “conservative luxe political wife wear” with “sparkly yarn,” but maybe it would make more sense if I had paid attention to what rich people were wearing in the nineties. (Honestly I don’t even know what they’re wearing now. Probably not dalmatian coats.)

        1. alicia +22

          I associate this kind of boxy, sparkly garment with upper middle class German housewives (who seem to have worn it nonstop since “Dallas” was in its original run).

    1. Es_Petal +30

      I think I might have been doing it wrong for the last 32 years, going by what this woman thinks. I do a fair amount of gallopy gallopy stuff and I’ve even been hunting but it never makes me randy.

    2. sarapyle +51

      (I had only recently turned nine) We are all squat here, even those of us who are willowy, because squatness is the incarnate representation of taking-no-bullshit.

        1. breakfastpumpkin +12

          I was 25. It took me way too long to figure that out, even though I had the year right. Today is not a good day for arithmetic.

          1. Es_Petal +7

            I only knew because the first result that comes up on google for her has her year of death as ’97 and the one thing I do remember about myself is that I was born in ’77! (Although actually, it was summer, wasn’t it, so I was 19…)

          2. breakfastpumpkin +9

            The reason I remembered that it was 1997 is because it was during a time in my life where I moved every year, and I remembered what apartment I was in. It was a long weekend; my boyfriend came over, and we spent the whole three days playing Final Fantasy VII and eating snacks, blissfully disconnected from all sources of news. We didn’t hear of her death until we rejoined the real world on Tuesday morning (she had died on Saturday evening, Canada time), and it was like stepping out of a time machine.

          4. donkeywork +9

            27! You’re off the hook. Drinking beer and laugh-crying through “Dante’s Peak” with friends, and when the video ended we were instantly so sad.

          5. whizzdumb +14

            All this talk of old/young got “What’s my age again?” in my head and now I’m furious at all of you for that and even more furious at myself for it.

          6. dancingcrowdesigns +41

            I was nearly forty, because I remember her being my age when she married, and you are all my GRANDBABIES.

            La, the age, it adds up on one…

            I am squatter than squat.

            Also riding horses does not have that effect on me at all.

          7. bottleredhead +6

            ALSO 27, went out, no news, saw the Sunday paper and bizarrely called my (32-year-old AHEM) sister, who was living in London at the time and asked if it was true. Bc the NY Times is known for falsely reporting stuff like that

          8. madgehowlet +3

            I was also 25 but had to grab a calculator to make sure. I do remember that it was right after my birthday because terrible things always happen around my birthday! I am a chaos vector!

    5. RoseCamelia +32

      ::whispers:: Diana and I were born only a year apart.

      And I was horrified when she married and had babies. *I* was too young for that shit, therefore, she must have been as well.

      Seeing myself out now.

      1. dancingcrowdesigns +26

        YES!! We are sisters in age and squatitude. We are RICH RESOURCES for these youngsters. So.

      2. bookwormV +11

        My mother got married in the same year as her, at the age of 20. She likes to be smug about how her marriage lasted, despite seeming just as unprepared.

    6. aurorabirdialis +32

      I’m the same age as Mallory and have done nothing, NOTHING as great with my life as Mallory does in a single art history post. Sob.

    7. Teka Lynn +8

      I was a month from turning 30. I was working the evening shift and took the bus home. My husband met me at work, and we rode the bus home together as he told me Diana had died.

      I had watched her wedding on TV at 3 AM when I was thirteen.

    8. EllaAstor +4

      I was 34, and having my usual bout of insomnia. Whatever I was watching, it was about 1:30am –> network news broke in with … news … of a car accident in France, and early reports had Princess Diana walking away from the scene, unharmed. Every single rumor was dissected and obsessed over in the early hours … . I watched the TV nearly continuously for 2 days, I nodded off only with the confirmed reports of her death.

  15. crawlkill +57

    I have Lovecraft-level difficulties parsing some of these sentiments of hers

    do you think the impression would change significantly if she’d implied Monica Lewinski was squamous and rugose

    1. Misst_123 +5

      Or the queen gibbous and eldritch.

      (To clarify, I actually have great affection for the queen; it’s just outweighed by my enjoyment of the image of HP Lovecraft: Gossip Columnist.)

  16. carmencicero +41

    I loooove this book. I especially loved the description of the Sloane Rangers and all their slang. Saying they’re “absolutely livid” when they’re not, and calling boring people “heavy furniture.” Oh, to be young aristocracy in 1970s England.

  17. bird_internet +68

    ‘Washington is SO unfashionable.” Translation: “I come from an echelon of society so rarefied that I think your standard business suit is pedestrian and tacky. Also, I will only visit a neighborhood if it is full of mega-rich white people.”

    When I first moved here I remember thinking “everyone looks so rich and fancy!” Only in comparison to the unwashed masses I used to live among, I guess.

  18. ArsenioB_Ham +60

    I feel like I would understand even LESS of this if it weren’t for a solid grounding from Bridget Jones’ Diary.

    Signed,
    A squat, dowdy DC girl

  19. redheadedwolf +72

    I second the person who wants you to annotate the whole book

    also:

    A woman should be a tree carrying a briefcase.

    That’s it. I’m going to use one of my blank notebooks to inscribe, in my best handwriting, a collection of Mallory Ortberg’s aphorisms, one per page. Then I will flip through it every day for inspiration to get through the tribulations before me.

  20. littlehuntingcreek +54

    The Lurex dig reminds me of the snide comments New Yorkers would make about the wives of big Republican donors and their “mother-in-law sequined jackets” when the Reagans were here. I’ve lived in DC since the 90’s. While no one would say we were fashion victims, I think we mostly look nice, in a serious smart woman way.
    The men in DC however, need to up their rumpled suit game.

    Tina Brown is the kind of woman who likes to hate other women. She’s the British Regina George.

  21. voltairineballis +12

    So, years ago, I read Lemmy’s autobiography (http://www.amazon.com/White-Line-Fever-Lemmy-Kilmister/dp/0806525908/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1422912901&sr=8-2&keywords=white+line+feve — is it annoying to include the link? I just really like this band.) and in it he describes how as a teenager he worked for a summer camp teaching horseback riding to girl guides. He makes the EXACT SAME ASSERTION about young girls getting all sorts of sexually excited after a day of horseback riding…and describes hooking up with the girl guides after working with them all day. Maybe this is something all British people just “know” about women who ride? But if that’s the case, why are they discussing it in such detail? Maybe its accepted by the horse-riding class, but since that’s not everyone then it has to be explained to those who can’t afford ponies? More things to ask Lemmy if I ever get to meet him…

      1. voltairineballis +3

        You. you’re why I inserted a link to the book! The fact that Freud (and other horse-y people apparently) had also made this assertion about girls and horses seems to explain everything…and I feel as if I should have guessed that Freud came up with it, as though I was supposed to know despite never having studied much psych. It has that ring of the obvious.

    3. Ms__M +2

      I don’t know who Lemmy is, but it’s certainly something that’s jokingly referred to among people who ride. Older people who ride who are not mothers of teenage girls, anyway.

  22. doublehoagie +7

    I recall watching Saturday Night Live and the headline that Diana had been in a car accident being broadcast during the show. This could be an imagined memory but I do recall calling my buddy down the street and talking to his dad about it. Also, is the horse/sex thing weird? I’ve definitely assumed that before. I’ve also sat on a horse and mostly recall it being painful. What does that mean?

    1. elsamac +2

      I recall watching Saturday Night Live and the headline that Diana had been in a car accident being broadcast during the show. This could be an imagined memory

      I have the same memory. I wasn’t really watching SNL, just had it on in the background while I sat on the sofa leafing through some work, and when the news broke in with the announcement, I assumed at first that it was a particularly tasteless sketch starting. I think it’s unlikely we both have the same false memory.

      1. doublehoagie +1

        Yeah! That’s right. Now I remember that I was confused about that too, whether it was real or not. Thank you for the confirmation.

  23. ljarnseth +66

    As a very squat trundler, I’ll tell you now I wouldn’t be able to handle throbbing, galloping animal vitality near my undercarriage. My people are not meant for such excitement.

  24. Orla +37

    I too am an old, and so old that I recognize that Tina Brown apparently binge-read Jilly Cooper before writing her own book. Especially the stuff about horse riding. And while thinking that, my next thought was “What if Mallory read Jilly Cooper?”.

    My head may have exploded.

    Mallory, if you are still unwell and be-couched, and have not yet met Rupert Campbell Black, may I suggest RIDERS as a palliative measure. It’s both terrible and wonderful. In a good way. Mostly.

    1. dyingofthatroar +9

      If Mallory hasn’t read Jilly Cooper…omg that would be an experience. I would recommend ‘Emily’, which is incredibly 70s (including marital rape). Also ‘Harriet’ is crazy too.

      1. Orla +8

        Oh gosh, yes. The name books too. I don’t remember them as vividly, though. The Campbell-Black books were filched from parental shelves and devoured in secret. First by me, and a decade later by my sister. It was all so alien and decadent to us non-U types on the island across the way.

        1. dyingofthatroar +2

          I was in college when I read them – my friends & I were in our final year, supposed to be studying for our exams… but really we had started a Jilly Cooper reading group and blasted through all of them while laughing at the silly bits.

          I think if I have kids I may have to lock all my books away – I remember all the inappropriate things I read as a kid & think ‘how did I not turn out really screwed-up?’

    3. toomanybicycles +3

      I would love to hear what Mallory thinks of “Class”.

      Personal fave is Score! (followed closely by Appassionata), but that’s cause it was the first one I read. So I always think of Rupert as Slightly Grody Older Sex Dad type if I re-read the first four or five.

  25. mizchalmers +77

    I’m here to represent Women Who Like Horses Because Horses Are Almost Completely Unlike Men (Especially Geldings, Those Snuggly Boo Bears Who Wouldn’t Oppress A Fly.)

  28. nikkidubs +22

    I now feel overwhelmingly uncomfortable thinking about the girl I was in love with in ninth grade, who was (and still is) a shameless equestrian.

    Meanwhile, I took a riding class in elementary school and absolutely hated it (I could never get the hang of posting). And now I’m wondering, somewhat problematically, if that should have been my first indication that I’m a big homo.

  29. Unreadaethel +17

    There are no other Stations of the Cross, because Glamour needs only three.

    It’s possible that she’s trying to tie the Stations of the Cross more closely to the Trinity itself. Or that she is unfamiliar with the actual Stations of the Cross.

    1. malloryelis +20

      30 Rock, ‘Rosemary’s Baby’:

      Rosemary: Women in their 50s go on spring break and get laid by a bunch of grateful eighteen-year-olds.

      Liz: Oh, god.

      Rosemary: Yeah, exactly. I predict opening weekend, a million dollars.

  34. damanoid +24

    I’m unable to ignore that background person in the photo, peering over Tina Brown’s shoulder. Her grin is so cruel, so knowing. IS she in the background? Does anyone else see her? Isn’t the left shoulder usually where the cartoon devil perches? Is she Tina Brown’s alchemical homunculus, a spare head to take over when Tina’s own head becomes painfully enlarged by world-class celebrity? Is this what she means about how obsessive looking changes the way your face and body are assembled? Limbs and organs sprout at random, the body becomes squat and mute, Tina Brown trundles her squat, heavy bulk through her dank subterranean labyrinth deep beneath Georgetown, her twitching flanks a nightmarish melding of lurex Escada knit fabric and live, sweating horseflesh. She bellows her challenge into the vast deeps, claiming these caverns as her own. The tiny heads protruding across her back and shoulders, spawn developing within her swollen flesh in the manner of the Surinam toad, chirp and murmur their agreement. They sing, constantly, an eldritch close harmony rendition of Hanson’s greatest hits, echoing throughout the dripping underworld. As they mature, a head will begin twisting and flailing, slowly pulling free of the membranes binding her to the fleshy gestation socket, pain that is agonizing yet pleasurable. The other heads shrill in unison, a mixture of fear and encouragement. At last the fetus works its way free from the seething mass and pauses to rest, as her tiny wings absorb enough moisture to fledge. At last the wings twitch, and she launches herself into the sewers, to complete her metamorphosis into a willowy, compelling celebrity. The wings are shed quickly during the post-migratory phase, and the spawn now appears fully formed, a willowy child to all appearances about eleven years old. She now seeks to embed herself into human society, using her instinctive talents at denial, disguise and compromise. She flourishes, laughingly deflecting questions away from the almost imperceptible wing-scars between her willowy shoulder blades. With unearthly charisma, she carefully assembles a cult of followers– attendants who will follow her into her eventual squattening phase, warriors to guard her spawning ground, drones to tend her lurex and groom her sweating horse flanks. Always, she listens for vibrations from underground. On the surface the years are long and fruitful; but one day the cycle will begin anew.

  35. GruntledDave +9

    People who can be described as squat usually have the potential to be very good at doing squats, so anyone who is squat, just become a lifter and play to your obvious strength as a superhero-in-training!

  36. Mrs_Peel +4

    I just wanted to point out that you can read a thinly veiled account of Tina Brown’s seemingly-glamourous-but-actually-very-sad personal life in “The Devil Wears Prada”. At least, I’m 90% sure that was based on her.

  37. somenerdygirl +16

    This is definitely not the first time I’ve heard the “girls like horseback riding because it reminds them of sex” thing. However, it is the first time I’ve heard the “getting famous literally makes your head bigger” thing.

    1. bitzyboozer +5

      Yeah, I thought the horseflesh love/burgeoning vajeene feelings connection was pretty widely accepted.

  38. briliantmistake +20

    You can tell that Tina Brown lives in fear of being mistaken for a Washington wife, and that her deepest fear of all is being mistaken for Hillary Clinton.

  39. bibliobotic +1

    I was in high school with Diana died, and I distinctly remember it being the first time in my life I ever looked at a newspaper headline and said, “Oh no, [famous person] died, that’s terrible!” My mother looked at me like I’d grown a second head.

  40. isabelcooper +5

    Bruno Bettleheim said the same thing about horses, pretty much, and I read my Dad’s copy of The Uses of Enchantment when I was eleven because hey fairy tales!

    …fucked with my head *forever*.

  41. thejcar +5

    Oh my god I just devoured this book and my actual favorite part of it (or more accurately, of anything I’ve ever read) is Tina Brown saying that she knows Camilla didn’t first introduce herself to Charles by saying that her great-grandmother and his great grandfather slept together because SHE WOULD NEVER HAVE LEAD WITH SUCH A BRAGGISH REMARK ABOUT HER OWN PEDIGREE. Because THAT aspect would be too gauche to be believed!!

  42. EnchiladaTaco +7

    I rode nearly every day from the ages of 7 to 21, and the best part of riding was the fact that all the males were under the age of ten, over the age of 45, or geldings. It was a magical wonderland where it didn’t matter that I had a dirt smear on my face and smelled like a combination of sweat and liniment and saddle soap.

    The most consistent male relationships I’ve had in my life have been with horses and dogs.

    I REJECT YOUR THEORIES, TINA. I BITE MY THUMB AT THEM.

  43. Madge Howlet

    I was also 25 but had to grab a calculator to make sure. I do remember that it was right after my birthday because terrible things always happen around my birthday! I am a chaos vector!

  45. Elsa is Emily

    I recall watching Saturday Night Live and the headline that Diana had been in a car accident being broadcast during the show. This could be an imagined memory

    I have the same memory. I wasn't really watching SNL, just had it on in the background while I sat on the sofa leafing through some work, and when the news broke in with the announcement, I assumed at first that it was a particularly tasteless sketch starting. I think it's unlikely we both have the same false memory.

  47. gillianlmac +1

    The amount of snark is KILLING me. I never thought I would ever have this much of an urge to read a full Diana bio. Tina Brown, who are you and how do you come up with this magic?