Your Weekly Influence Summary is now available! Klout believes you are influential about travel. Please do not let Klout down in its high opinion of you.
A reminder that a failure to influence others may result in the loss of Klout Perks!
A reminder that if you do not claim your latest Klout Perk! by Wednesday at midnight, it will expire.
Your Klout Perk! has expired. You now have a Klout Deficit! and owe the company one Klout Favor! redeemable at any time.
Your Klout Favor! has been redeemed! A Klout representative will stop by your house today while you are at work and store a small package for safekeeping somewhere on the property. Do not worry about letting her in. Do not look for the box. If you should accidentally find the box, do not touch the box. Thank you for performing your Klout Favor!
Update: Klout feels that you could be more influential about technology. Do you feel like you’re trying your best?
A reminder that you should not be looking for the box.
The Updated Klout Rolls Out Today! During the past several months, we’ve focused on making updates to improve the accuracy, functionality, and ability of Klout. Today, we’re proud to launch major updates to the Klout Score and new product features. These upgrades are an important step toward helping everyone discover and be recognized for their influence. One way you can show your influence is to walk out of the meeting you’re in right now. That’s right. Close your laptop. Don’t answer any of their questions. Don’t worry about reading the rest of this email. You’ll know what to do next.
Your Klout Score has gone up. You are now eligible for a Klout Surprise! You have 42 hours to surprise us.
Reminder: there is a tide in the affairs of men, which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune.
Thank you for being a part of the Klout community! If you ever have questions or concerns, please don’t hesitate to contact us at
Update: Scientists have reported that the moon appears to be growing slightly but distinctly larger. Not closer. Just larger. This should not affect your Klout Score.
Update: Your latest Klout Perk! is now available. Your Klout Perk! is that you get to perform another Klout Favor! Sign into Klout now to receive further instructions.
A reminder that it is forbidden for a member with a Klout Score above 70 to speak to anyone without a Klout account. Failure to observe this rule will result in additional Klout Perks!
Update: You have received a Klout Change! Something in your house will be very different when you get home tonight. What do you think it is?
[Image via Wikimedia Commons]
Tags: klout, klout perks, the internet, updates
Klout’s going to clean my bathroom?
Klout’s not going to clean my bathroom, are they?
Alert: Our records indicate that you are scheduled to receive a Klout Clout! Please present your head or other crucial extremity as target.
Of all the manifold social media sites, Klout is the one that gives me the most feelings of existential sorrow.
I read this entire thing in the dulcet tones of Cecil Baldwin.
I 100% also did this.
*A reminder* that spelling everyday words with a K where a C is correct still makes reasonable people think about violent white supremacy and cross burning! +K in American History and Elementary Grammar!
If you go to the Klout homepage, the headline says “Influence your world,” over a picture of a couple taking a selfie. This is the best metaphor for Klout I have ever seen. So the real question: is Klout self-aware? Do you think that instead of having a pinwheel of death or whatever “working” symbol, the Klout office computers show a little cartoon club repeatedly bouncing off the head of a little cartoon Klout user? (This is what I always think of when I see Klout anything, anywhere. Klout marketing intern hits send on “The Latest from Klout!” mass email. ::BONK, BONK, BONK, BONK:: “Your email has been sent.”)
I didn’t even realize Klout was an actual thing until I read your comment.
I am sorry to be the one who has taken your innocence from you. You can never get back your previous, blissful state of not-knowing.
me either, I assumed Mallory invented the whole thing, just like with that double coffin witch.
I wonder if Klout knows that its name sounds exactly like something Mallory would invent to make fun of social media. It is a mockery of itself.
But, like, totally influential.
I could most definitely see Klout eventually evolving into Skynet.
I could most definitely see Klout eventually evolving into Skynet.
Yessss, now do Flattr >:D
Yessss, now do Flattr >:D
So you’re just straight up auditioning for “Welcome to Night Vale” now, aren’t you?
Ah, you are the second person the mention Night Vale to me in a few days! I had never heard of them until the Awl ran that article last week and now I’m worried that I shouldn’t! Should I? Is it great?
Between this and the Olive Garden post, there is a distinct possibility that you have been unwittingly possessed by the glow cloud, is all I’m saying.
(Yes, do check it out! It is the greatest!)
I don’t remember my life before I started it last week. Though that could be because I was talked into visiting THE BROWN STONE SPIRE.
In fact, we should all go down to THE BROWN STONE SPIRE
Don’t do it, it’s a PODCAST, ugh
Between this and the Olive Garden post, there is a distinct possibility that you have been unwittingly possessed by the glow cloud, is all I'm saying.
(Yes, do check it out! It is the greatest!)
And menthol cigarettes